[Shelly7435]

Ro828: My questions is how are you? How have you coped? I don't mean to pry but you have been through so much it would be nice to hear how you are.

[Snowdrop]

Our Vanisher went off like a tornado 5 years ago and never seemed to look back.  Rid himself of anything and everything to do with his then current life.  Don't think he spies on me as there is nobody around the kids and I (his family didn't even speak to the kids when he was here so no surprise they don't do it now - red flags right there), and I don't have any social media accounts.  I don't think he cares one bit, although he and OW are probably just biding their time waiting for payday when we sell our home.  He has a fight on his hands when that day comes as I won't back down.

When S contacted him recently to tell him about the man he is becoming (how sad is that), H had no clue about anything to do with the kids, not how old they are, which school, nothing.  Not a single clue.  The conversation was shallow from start to finish.  H still in dreamworld with OW and no sense of remorse at all.  As if nothing happened and he did absolutely nothing wrong.  Referred to some of the items he left behind, rambled on about some system of how to pay for healthcare costs where he lives.  WFT?  Who does that, and especially to a child you have abandoned and not spoken to in years, and one you don't pay support for.

I do think he has gone for good.  My intuition feels that we will always have a bond and that yes he thinks of me on my birthday and maybe Mother's Day.  I am most probably wrong but I just feel it.  Doesn't change anything.  There is no reason for our paths to ever cross as he lives hundreds of miles away...which I am thankful for as it helped with our healing.

We definitely live as if he isn't coming back.  I'm okay with that now.  Never know what tomorrow brings but I am sure not sitting around waiting to find out.  Our lives are more peaceful and we are somewhat happier.  Not walking on eggshells as we once did.  I am also a firm believer in things are meant to happen and that we have no control over others, only ourselves.  This is his journey, and I am on mine, and it isn't for me to decide his path - we had over 20 years together and I always said I would never want to be with a person who didn't want to be with me.  Wasn't as I'd hoped for and the way it happened caused so much pain, but it happened.  I detest what he did, especially to the kids, but he has gone - all I can do is be there for them and make their lives as good as I can as a single parent.  We struggle to pay bills and we go without, but in the end, they are loved and have a warm home and food - so life is good, we are lucky.

Us LBS's are a tough bunch.  So proud of us!

[stillbaffled]

Us LBS's are a tough bunch.  So proud of us!

Yes, yes we are, Snowdrop.  Thanks for reminding us all. 

[BrenM]

Us LBS's are a tough bunch.  So proud of us!

Yes, yes we are, Snowdrop.  Thanks for reminding us all. 

Yes we are...until the masks temporarily falls off, we then pull ourselves together again and solder on.  We are selfless individuals despite the hurt and betrayal. ❤️

[Ro828]

Thanks Still!


Shelly,

To answer your question the first four years were pure hell.  I dealt with the shock of it all, the newness of being single again.  Got myself a great IC and really mourned the death of my marriage and what I thought my life was supposed to be.  I didn't rush the process and really felt the pain.  I journaled, read a lot, reacquainted myself with God and began reading his word, prayed and surrounded myself with loving family and friends.  Still, I don't believe one ever truly heals from this experience.  It forever changes you.  Good and bad.

Today, I accept what happened but I can still get angry about how it played out.  I don't miss my ex any longer but at times miss my old life.  I do wonder how he is, if he's happy, healthy.  I do deep down believe he knows he messed up.  Even if he'll never be able to verbalize it to me.  You can't trade in someone like me to be with someone like he has now and be happy in the long run.  Just my opinion though.

Since my D I started two businesses, went to Europe a couple of times, have been able to spend quality time with my aging parents and got my CPL just to name a few.  I have many friends and a solid family. Yes, I've dated but came to realize I'm not willing to settle for any man just to be a couple.  There are a lot of broken men in my area and this experience has given me razor sharp abilities to read them (LOL).  I'm open to prospects though.  I have no desire to remarry.  I don't ever want to be financially tied to anyone.  One day I hope to find a companion but I'm not in a rush.  Right now I'm enjoying life.  God has me right where he wants me and when he wants to change course it'll happen.  I can honestly say I am happy and content but a continuous work in progress.

[stillbaffled]

Ro - you sound like you are doing very well. 

Like I said before, I hope you'll stick around and share your wisdom, your experiences and your positive attitude.  You'd be a great addition to our family. 

[beyondblessed]

Ro...sounds to me like you've done everything right.  You accepted that this was a situation beyond your control and then left him to live his life as he chose to do.  It is so hard in the beginning because we knew the MLC'er as they were prior to going off the rails.  That is the big thing that many a LBS struggles with in letting go.  I am truly glad for this board though because if not for it, I might still be twisting in the wind waiting for my xh to come to his senses.  That is not a tell pleasant or productive place to be.

[nah]

It forever changes you.  Good and bad.

Yes. 

Ro828.... we could use your wisdom.  You seem like a very strong woman.

[BrenM]

I am truly glad for this board though because if not for it, I might still be twisting in the wind waiting for my xh to come to his senses. 

I don't consider myself twisting in the wind - the kids and I are moving forward but are standing for our family - trusting the process - and yes I do believe that he will come to his senses, whether we are still standing then or not is another story.  Don't write them all off completely beyonddone.

[beyondblessed]

I didn't say all.  I speak for no one but myself.  I no nothing of anyone else's situation, except what they share, and that hardly qualifies me to pass that kind of judgement.  However, if someone chooses to share how cruelly they are being treated, and they seem complacent to it, I will call them out on that.  Abuse in any situation is plain unacceptable, but what one chooses to allow will continue.