[Nas]

Well nah, like they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

We're all still around so......

Totally off topic, but Norm MacDonald's latest stand up comedy special on Netflix has a hilarious bit about "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  Anyone in need of a laugh should check it out.

[BrenM]

Well nah, like they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

We're all still around so......

Broken....but getting stronger each day to fight for happiness and content for my family ❤️

[lawprofessor]

One thing that sticks out clearly for me is how many have the added factor of an addiction.  In those people I tend to think of it as two monsters coexisting in one body. 
Two because addiction isn't a necessary or always factor of MLC commonly listed in the writings.  Perhaps its an underreported symptom.  And I wonder if its more common in those who vanish?  Both those who vanish for a period of time and those who vanish seemingly forever?  Escape and avoid is common in addiction. 

Its the manner of exhibiting love that differs with people in relation to the addict.  I prefer and put into practice the AA style method.  Distance, detachment, self care, ownership of consequences, and dare I say tough love.  I firmly believe that because I did that J is alive, healthy, sober, clean, and well into Acceptance. 

I recorded my actions with him and his progress here on HS.  And I took quite a beating from those who saw my actions as mean and without love or even compassion.  Especially when I recorded that he was laying on the bedroom floor trying to crawl to the bathroom to vomit.  And my response was to step over him and let him struggle and depend on himself.  Oh boy I was heartless and mean and nasty and lashing out because I was "still hurting".  Nope.  Dead wrong answers.  He had to choose to live.  He had to remember how awful and low his addiction had caused him to fall.  He had to kniw he achieved soberiety through his own strength.  It gave him pride and his manhood and dignity and self esteem back.  I did what he needed and what was best for him, not what was easiest for me or what came naturally to me at the time.

And he is alive and sober, happy, healthy, and at peace.

Love is exhibited in different ways.  Some seem to forget that in their surety that love is always kindness and compassion and providing a soft place to land.  I know for certain most of the addicts I deal with wouldn't be clean if they were assured of a soft place to land.  And I personally know none who got clean and sober because they were loved.  They got sober and clean when the faced the consequences and had landed hard. 

You have a different approach?  So go with it.  Its your decision.

At the Al anon meetings no one there doubts the love we feel for the addict.  No one claims not to be worried about the addict.  No one is looking for ways another might be hurting them or judging them. Its about sharing experiences.  Neither is it about recounting the events of the week and having people tell how strong and well someone is doing if there is no action involved.  Action means active response, solution based thinking, what would you do, the same and or differently the next time.

There, there is no badge of honor or strength for deciding to live in hell for years.  For accepting physical, emotional, psychological, and or sexual .  In AA that's your choice and you get to own that.  But that is not strength.  True strength is shown by having the courage to change the things you can.  That's part of the serenity prayer.  In AA as well its well understood its a support group not a tell everyone what they want to hear group.  There's a reminder on the wall that the greatest friend you have is the one who twlks you hard truths not the one who powders your a$$. 

I like that total outlook and interpretation since it takes the focus off victimhood and puts the person in charge of her destiny and future through highlighting options for action.  It empowers, if the person chooses. 

If its not your approach preference, that's up to you. 

Now before someone screams that I'm telling them not to stand, that's not what I'm saying at all.  Change what you can, if you choose to, and then own your decision.  Embrace it.  Whatever that may be.

That's what BeyondDone has done.
That's what Stayed did.
That's what Nah did.
That's what my favorite Brazilian Lady has done in spades.  (And please no more behind the back cracks about my being her lap dog.  I've heard them all before so they aren't funny anymore.)
That's what I have done.

MLC and addiction in a family is not a life long sentence of pain unless you choose it to be. 

Each of us took different routes and showed love differently at different times.  That doesn't mean we loved our husbands any differently or to a lesser or greater degree.  It means we've taken different paths and we all will own the consequences of our actions.

With j I have no regrets.  I hope that is true for everyone.   

Lp

[BrenM]

Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Forum post from a female MLCer

I should point out that an MLCer MIGHT also pretty much stop talking to whomever they were closest to. They may get a whole new circle of friends. Or they might push everyone away.

I stopped talking to my sister, who has always been my best friend. But by the time that happened, I'd pushed my husband so far away he couldn't have known that was happening. We lived apart and I'd been out of touch with him for a long time except regarding the house or kids. There was ZERO communication with him unless I HAD to and I would go to great lengths to avoid that. I didn't like the man. I know now that what I really didn't like were the things he made me see about myself.

I should also note that when I stopped talking to my sister was when things were beginning to change INSIDE of me. I was getting the first inkling that my story (my rewriting of the marital history) wasn't going to hold water much longer. The cracks were starting to appear. That's when I stopped talking to EVERYBODY.

In my case, through the initial period of deep MLC (March 2002-2004), I'd spun such brilliant BS that everyone thought I was right to want a separation/divorce. In March '04, my husband left for the second time. I was crashing hard and fairly regularly. I still managed for another year to outrun reality though it did creep in occasionally. My husband stopped fighting for me when he left the second time. That was the biggest jolt. By summer 2005, I was coming apart at the seams. Completely. I'd exhausted myself with the things of the world that had enticed me, I was looking at families and missing my own. For the first time, I started to see that there had been good times. I had REALLY forgotten them. MLC stole a big chunk of the good things about my marriage. I did not see us as my husband saw us. So you spouses really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your marriage and your life together. You're the only one who is going to understand when your spouse comes back. You're all that's going to be familiar and if you're not there ...

After a while, I started seeing how I had contributed to the bad times. By October 2005 I was completely broken and flat on my face in repentance. Thinking of it still makes me cry.

I was a mean MLCer. I convinced myself and everyone around me that my husband was the biggest SOB that ever walked. I BELIEVED it. I twisted every argument we'd ever had.  I had all my family in support of my efforts.  Eventually, and it took a long time, I convinced my husband we were really through.  He stood for over 2 years, though.  Alone.  Without a message board or a clue about MLC. He just believed in me and in us.

It wasn’t until he had to let go to save his own sanity that I started waking up.

If you’re new to MLC, I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, your MLCer will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person. You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you.

Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to be the person your MLCer can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love really is unconditional.

While she's lost, you have work of your own to do. Work on yourself.

http://whatismidlifecrisis.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/forum-post-from-female-mlcer.html

[heroIam]

If you’re new to MLC, I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, your MLCer will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person. You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you.

Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to be the person your MLCer can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love really is unconditional.


Very much agree with this. Thanks for posting Rossbren.

[BrenM]

Thanks HeroIam - As i always say "we need to trust the process...have faith"

It is so fire trucking hard at times! Many people have theories and more theories on MLC, it is just so confusing.  Mlc changes everyone...it is just so very sad.  Yes we all need to move forward. But we should never give up hope.

My children and i are standing for our family....we have faith that the man we know so well will find his way back to us.  Our love will be what brings him back.  Our life, memories and love for each other can not be replaced.  He can run from his guilt and shame, but he can't run forever.  He can try to. O stern at us all, trying to get us to hate him, but it won't work...love is unconditional. This is his journey, he is searching for happiness and peace, he has not found it in OW -he looks like $h!te - the answer is right beneath his nose, but he needs to find his way.

[Shocked]

I have been feeling a lot of guilt over this past weekend of my daughter's graduation. I hadn't seen or heard from my vanisher since August. Last week Sunday he had sent a text Saying He was coming from a meeting, Maybe talk sometime and he would be a graduation on Sunday. I answered back I heard the meeting went well, that my daughter appreciated he was coming to the graduation and I would see him Sunday.
I was thinking he only wanted to talk to make it more comfortable for himself at the graduation? Should I have said yes to talking? Do I send him a note thanking him for coming now? He did not stay til the end of graduation. I never saw him that weekend.

[nah]

First of all, you focused on your daughter, as you should have, nothing to feel guilty about there.

I understand the leave them to their lives, let them twist in the wind theories. I still always believed a small olive branch here and there for a vanisher never hurts.  As long as it's not cloaked with guilt or expectations and of course light, breezy and not too often.

Something like, " there was so much going on at daughter's graduation I never got a chance to see you but I heard you were there. Thank you so much for coming".

And leave it at that.

If he responds fine, if he doesn't, oh well.

[Not Applicable]

I find these insider quotes so revealing.

I should also note that when I stopped talking to my sister was when things were beginning to change INSIDE of me. I was getting the first inkling that my story (my rewriting of the marital history) wasn't going to hold water much longer. The cracks were starting to appear. That's when I stopped talking to EVERYBODY.

I wonder why she did this at this point. I mean were her thoughts so disturbing to herself she felt she could not open up to anyone?

My MLCer is not a vanisher but I am seeing something similar. H was very much into OW until February. Then he and I had a big blowup at the beginning of March that made him realize he could lose me and he spent the month pushing OW away to the point where he kicked OW out for a few days at the beginning of April. Those few days led him to become so chummy with MIL in April it was as if MIL had become the OW, now he is running away from all of us in May and burying himself in his work...That's a bit of an oversimplification but that's the general trend I have seen.

What I do know is that this month started off with two big disappointments about his relationship with OW for both of them and him having a projecting spew at me after seeing a religious book on my nightstand that certainly would have reminded him of what he was doing. He's stopped making any mentions of divorce or ending it with me now for about a month yet he is much more distant too. He did have a brief panic for 45-60 minutes about our relationship in the future about a week ago and I was able to reassure him by asking him if he trusted me (he always used to say he trusted me more than anyone, even his mother) and he said he did and immediately snapped out of the panic.

So maybe the fantasy is really starting to crumble?

[nah]

So maybe the fantasy is really starting to crumble?

G, you have a much different lens than most of us on this thread.

You get to make up close observations.

Some of us (like me) observe mostly from a distance by getting information from the grapevine and a sprinkle of interactions.

Some on here don't see a thing b/c their MLCer has completely left the building.

The only thing ALL of us have in common is none of us can actually see what is really going on in that MLC brain.  I'm not sure if the MLCer themselves know.

We will only know for sure when we are able to look back.