Author Topic: My Story Still listening carefully... and trying to find the steady path.  (Read 7440 times)

Offline Seeing The LightTopic starter

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It's strange how time seems to move along in the midst of all of the MLC havoc that goes on.  I've found myself stepping away from HS for quite some time and then coming back as the path gets uneven for me, and H, on our journey.  In a lot of ways, this year has been wonderful for me because I'm becoming the person that I want to be... focused on the present, staying content with myself and my decisions, becoming more mature.  And yet, it's also been one of the hardest years of my life so far.  I don't mean 2017... I mean the year since BD.

I'm currently in the middle of my two BD "anniversaries".  When I got married, I never thought that I would have other anniversaries than our wedding.   ::) :o  These two anniversaries are ones that I would never wish on anyone, including my worst enemy.  Having to live through what my H is going through, how he treated me and acted around me during the early time after the two BDs was just... well I guess we all know. 

We are both doing better in our own ways.  H has long stopped monstering at me unless he is deeply scared or upset about something.  He appears to be happy and is laughing again and is taking very good care of me.  We are able to make plans for things in the future.  However, MOW2 is still around, but to much less of an extent. 

I'm trying to find a steady path by keeping my expectations as low as possible and continue to live present moment.  Hope is strongly here now... H keeps feeding it as he continues to settle into whoever he is going to be.  So far, I like the person that is emerging from the tunnel very much.  He is a kinder, gentler version of my H, more mature.

The challenge, of course, is MOW2 is still around.  She keeps popping in and out of our lives.  Currently, she has managed to get a job at the same company as my H.  She's using this as an excuse to be able to text my H about things that she needs "help" with, since her H told her she could talk to mine as long as it is work related.   ::)  The texting is not anywhere what it used to be, but it still happening, so it is what it is.  I have to let him work his way through this, I can't control him.  I do give him truth darts about her when I can.

So to sum it up:

OW1 - PA - 6 Years - Over, found out about it after H and I started to reconnect.

MOW2 - EA - Never went anywhere even though I think H wanted to initially.  Now, he is at the point where he considers himself her friend and tries to be supportive, but not getting drawn into her personal drama.  This has backfired with him in the past to the point where he blocked her out completely, but a couple of months later she apologized and they are talking again.  So it's just a matter of time that this will probably happen again.

H is back in our bedroom, has been for 8 months. 

1st BD was March 2016, 2nd BD was June 2016 and H moved out of the bedroom. 

Based on conversations we have had since we started reconnecting, I believe his MLC started about 6 years ago with a big life change happening 3 years ago that pushed him hard into replay.

I had/have my own issues that I have been working on for the last 5 years, but BD pushed me to get IC and forced me to work on myself even more.

My Story up to this point:

Part 1
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8025.0
Part 2
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8189.0
Part 3
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8533.0
Part 4
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8678.0
"Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."  - don Miguel Ruiz

The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

My Journey: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9093.0

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Still listening carefully... and trying to find the steady path.
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2017, 11:30:46 AM »
Welcome to your new thread Seeing :)

continue on your journey as your H works through his!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Still listening carefully... and trying to find the steady path.
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2017, 11:32:44 AM »
Welcome to your new thread

Attaching   :)
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline No expectations

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Re: Still listening carefully... and trying to find the steady path.
« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2017, 03:27:27 PM »
Hi STL,

I wouldn't miss your journey.   You are so inspiring!
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline sparklestar

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Re: Still listening carefully... and trying to find the steady path.
« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2017, 09:39:46 AM »
Attaching For the journey STL you're doing so well!

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Still listening carefully... and trying to find the steady path.
« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2017, 10:15:28 AM »
STL--Wow. I knew your H has been in MLC for a while but didn't know it was 6 years. I am happy you are reconnecting but I know it is a lot of heartache. And MOW2 is a constant thorn in your side. If your H becomes the person he is working so hard to be, and I think he will, he will soon want nothing to do with her drama at all.  I wouldn't be surprised if he is already there. But then feels the need to "defend" her to you.  :o

You got this friend.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Seeing The LightTopic starter

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Re: Still listening carefully... and trying to find the steady path.
« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2017, 12:40:39 PM »
31, Faith, thank you for following along! :D

NoEx, I'm glad that you are here. :D  I think you're just as inspiring with all of the work that you have done with yourself and the progress with your H.  Hugs my friend!

Sparkle, thank you!  I feel like the "Little Engine that Could" sometimes, gotta keep making forward progress even when it's uphill. lol

KIT... It floored me when I started putting the pieces together and could finally see the timeline of things happening.  Honestly, it took me coming out of my own head and looking at things to understand that stuff was not good for a lot longer.  Plus, as H started sharing things with me as we started to reconnect, I realized the length of the time in detail.  I think that the only thing preventing a BD 6 years ago was because he started the PA with OW1.  If that had been a true "affair" and not a MLC thing, he would have left me back then.  He was not someone that would have been comfortable with being in an affair with someone and being married at the same time.  He would have just ended our marriage. 

Journaling

After spending some time reading on HS for the last couple of weeks and focusing on myself, I'm back to a more stable head space again.  I get these patterns going in my head that I have to forcefully break myself from doing... thinking about H and what's going on with him... thinking about MOW2 and her BS... thinking about toxic SD and the memories of her doing things or saying things as I do stuff in the house... it's like my head gets into this toxic wave pool experience, where it gets calm and then suddenly these waves of negativity just overwhelm me. 

I normally HATE IT when I get a song stuck in my head... but these last two weeks, it's actually been helpful for me to get one stuck because I can use it to break me out of the wave pool.  When I get too focused on H and what's going on with his interactions with MOW2, "Pon De Replay" by Rhianna is one that I can insert in to stop it.  It reminds me that he's in Replay, to not stay focused on him and his actions.  Instead, I can overwhelm it and focus on me and what I'm doing, thinking, feeling. 

Toxic SD really isn't an issue anymore in my head... just things or actions I might do in the house will cause mental reactions to things that she would do or say about me.  It is truly hard to understand how negative someone can be until they are gone from your life... how manipulative they are in their actions and how they interact with you.  When things come up about her in my head, I just tell myself "She's gone, I don't want to think about her" over and over until it stops. 

MOW2... well, there's that.  I just imagine her as a cowering chihuahua.  She doesn't do what she needs to do to get things done in her life.  She just keeps doing the same patterns over and over again, manipulating people, letting others manipulate her.  It's really pathetic. 

I guess right now, I'm in the stage of really focusing on controlling what my head is doing instead of it controlling me.  It's not as easy anymore for me to go negative/pessimistic as it was in the past.  I'm more optimistic now.  I do have to fight with my fears... Fear is such a powerful thing.  It's so controlling that for me, it can literally make me NOT do something.  I have to tell myself "you can do this, you can take that step" and then make myself do it.  I don't mean in dangerous situations... my fear lies in the "what if" world.

What if... I put the vehicle in the wrong gear and it roles backward?  What if... I don't tie the ropes right and this thing comes lose?  What if... I make the wrong decision about the clothes I want to buy and I spend to much money?  What if... I tell my H that I don't agree with this decision or that decision and he blows up at me?

Yet, when I force myself OUT of the what if world and put the vehicle in gear like I know how to do, it doesn't role backwards.  I tie the ropes right because I know HOW to do it and the thing doesn't come lose.  I buy the clothes and yes, I spend a little more than I want to, but I need the clothes for work.  I force myself to tell my H that I don't agree with him on something and he calmly listens to me, then we discuss it.

I don't know when Fear became such a controlling factor in my life.  And yet, since BD2, I've been forced to confront my fears.  I've been forced to accept that not everything is going to go right.  I've been forced to accept that I must get help for myself.  I've been forced to accept that I can live on my own and be a happy, healthy person.  I've been forced to accept that I can live in the moment and be content with this space.  I've been forced to accept that I will talk to my H about things, that I have to be open to hear what he has to say without judgement... to just LISTEN and consider his point of view along with my own.

I guess I've been forced to grow up.  Why did it take me so long to do so?
"Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."  - don Miguel Ruiz

The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

My Journey: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9093.0

Offline Never say never

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Re: Still listening carefully... and trying to find the steady path.
« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2017, 02:34:36 PM »
STL, following along on your journey.  It didn't take you so long to grow up.  It just takes a lot of time to move forward, accept our reality of what has happened and deal with it head-on.  You are doing so well.  I love your journaling.  MOW2 will be a thing of the past, and I can't wait for the karma bus to head her way.

Offline sparklestar

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Re: Still listening carefully... and trying to find the steady path.
« Reply #8 on: June 02, 2017, 03:28:33 PM »
STL you really are doing amazingly well.

I've been reminded of the 'this is our journey too' lately and I know I wouldn't have done some of the things I have if this this hasn't of happened. In many ways there is a gift for us in all of this. I feel I have Grown and found myself again in many ways.

 Im a firm believer that life has a funny way of forcing you to face stuff eventually esp when you haven't been 'listening' why does it have to be so harsh? Well perhaps it has to be else we wouldn't have listened.... I dunno but there's sense in there somewhere...

X

Offline No expectations

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Re: Still listening carefully... and trying to find the steady path.
« Reply #9 on: June 02, 2017, 04:56:12 PM »
STL,

You really do sound so good.  I'm glad you're back more regularly, but I'm not glad that you need the stabilization.  Still, things continue to move forward, for you as well as in your R with H.  You're so right, we've all had to grow up more since our BD.  And that is the silver lining in this cloud of MLC.

When I look back just a few short months ago, I remember my first IC telling me that I need to thrive.  I took offense at that at the time, how did she know what I was or wasn't doing?  Of course I was thriving, and living my life the way I wanted.  But now, I see that I wasn't.  I had turned my life into a very small space, basically working and coming home.  Not doing much of anything else, definitely not growing and expanding my horizons.  And now, I've also had to come to terms with living alone.  I've been strong enough to take care of Mom, get her ready for surgery and get her through it.  I've traveled by myself and had a blast doing it.  I've lost weight and feel really good for the first time in years.  And I'm exercising regularly and loving it.  None of these things would have happened if it wasn't for MLC.

I'm so glad I came to this site and met you and so many others through this cyber world.  You have helped me, cheered me on, inspired me.  I wouldn't be the person I am without you and others.  And I like this person.

Thank you! 
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

 

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