Author Topic: My Story Chapter 4 continued  (Read 4887 times)

Offline MadeTopic starter

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My Story Chapter 4 continued
« on: June 16, 2017, 12:39:40 PM »
I am pissed off - what else is new, right? The incident seems petty but its the pattern that is bothering me.

The latest example > My neighbour (an old man) comes over to complain about the noise I am making while sanding my fence (I have been at it for an hour and have sanded a total of 3 panels for a total of 3 hours on 3 separate but not consecutive days). I tell her if he does it again I will insist he fixes his firetrucking lawnmower which is causing both noise AND air pollution every week for the last 16 years!  - its running on 1/2 a cylinder.

She tells me I shouldn't cause he makes coffee for the poor every week. I accept this > feeling guilty and then realize I have been doing for others for hours every week for nearly 15 years) but my neighbour can complain without thought to my service to the community but I can't complain to him because of his service to the community? This is typical of her treatment of me. Never mind I have been doing the same for others > I am to feel bad about complaining to others while they can complain to me? She likes to throw me under the bus. It pisses me off and she has done this so many times for so many years, I am just realizing the pattern and my pattern of feeling guilty and poorly about myself. 

The 2nd issue is related, I woke up with scratches to my forehead and I just assumed it was from my work in my cedar hedges, she did not see me in the morning but when I got home she asked me what happened and I told her. She correctly but suspiciously told me I had been sanding the night before not working on the hedge. I was stumped how it happened so I said maybe I scratched myself in the night as they were there in the morning, she said "now I was just saying anything" suspiciously instead of assuming that something legitimate happened she is thinking I did something nasty like cheat on her to cause this.  This issue was related to the 1st because I figured out when I was taking off my hearing protection to talk to my neighbour about his complaint, the ear muffs (which are ripped) scratched my head and I did not notice.

I also did not notice the bruises I had on my forearms from my kettle bell workout last week which she was also suspicious about. AS I have mentioned before she is also suspicious of my beard, my muscles and my leather wrist band.

Which brings up the last subject on my tirade. If I was cheating on her - she would be GONE in a heart beat, its obvious in her suspicions last night > there would not be even I thought of standing, let alone standing through all the $h!te I have stood through the last 3 years. She would never fight for our marriage like I have done. She would truly make my life a living hell and we go back full circle on BD#1 ie: "go through a bitter and ugly divorce" I am sure she has had an affair but she would not consider it cheating. It would be an affair, a dalliance, a romantic interlude and so on. It would not be firetrucking around or cheating it would be the former. WTF is that? and what makes up a LBSer stand versus an MLCer who would never stand?

By the way, I am so not interested in having ANY kind of relationship with anyone else ever again since I have being through her MLC $h!te for the last 3 years. NOT interested in the crap, the drama, the baggage or the relations ever again.

I want to speak to her about these things, the question I have for you is > should I or should I just bury them under the rug like I have all her other crap for so long?

Pissed off, I am



http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8596.0
« Last Edit: June 16, 2017, 12:43:30 PM by OldPilot »
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Never say never

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2017, 01:32:16 PM »
Made, I have not followed your thread before so I don't know anything about your story except for what I read just now.

My suggestion is you are not going to get anywhere in trying to speak to her right now.  It's not like you are sweeping it under the rug ... you just need to wait for the appropriate time to talk to her.  I know, three years is a sh$$-load of time. 

I also feel for you about the cheating aspect.  If I cheated on my husband, I'd be kicked to the curb instantly.  It just isn't fair, but life isn't fair.

I guess the question is, do you want to still stand for your marriage or are you done with all of the crap you are being put through?  One thing I would not tolerate is her suspicions of you.  Usually, that is just them projecting their guilt onto you.  They can't understand how we can be faithful while they are out there doing what they please.

If she accuses you of something, I would not even waste my breath trying to talk to her.  Ignorance is bliss.  Let her wonder, but leave it alone.

Offline Watcher

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2017, 05:00:19 PM »
Hi Made,

It really depends on you. I agree with Never that your really not sweeping it under the rug. Your comments are going to fall on deaf ears most likely at this moment. Don't listen to her advice. If you want to confront the man, then do so. It's your prerogative.

As for the bruises and cuts let her think what she wants. I'm going out to get a kettle bell myself now. I could use some bruising.  ;)  I lived with that suspicion for many years and I also know the throwing under the bus very well.

Unfortunately, we all have been dealt the short stick and life is really not fair. Remember, they are broken. Burying it will only make you angry. You will have to choose your time wisely and release it.


« Last Edit: June 16, 2017, 05:22:30 PM by Watcher »

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2017, 10:22:17 PM »
Isn't this chapter 5?

But I digress.
Stupid neighbor: you have every right to say "I'll be sanding until the fence is sanded. Do you want to help so it will go faster?"  As to your W, I don't care what she thinks. Maybe you shouldn't either. Just a thought.

You have endured so much, Made.  You are entitled to be angry, but these are not the swords to fall on. Suspicions cannot be quantified without accusations. Addressing them would just sound paranoid. Saying anything about the neighbor's volunteer work validates her point. It was smoke and mirrors.

All relationships are not like this.

Kettle ball anyone? 
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2017, 05:29:20 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Made.

This MLC gets old after 3 years, doesn't it?   ::)

I'm not quite understanding what exactly you want to tell her.  Just how PO'd you are??
If it's to get it off your chest, maybe it would do YOU good, but like everyone said it will fall on deaf ears.

So don't think for one minute it will change anything.  I'm sorry, I know how very frustrating this all is.
Maybe buy a punching bag?   :-\
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2017, 06:31:14 AM »
Thanks everyone for the wisdom and perspective.

Let me say I love the response
Quote
Do you want to help so it will go faster?
, I am always so shocked when people are @$$holes I never know what to say, I was at his house raising money for the heart and stroke foundation just a couple of months ago which we had an important conversation about giving to others and caring for your neighbours...

Quote
I'm not quite understanding what exactly you want to tell her.  Just how PO'd you are??
Yes,  and to have my back for a change...you know she does this with our kids too, no matter what circumstance they find themselves in, it is always their fault somehow, it is getting VERY old and I am telling her

Quote
Addressing them would just sound paranoid.
yes you are right, thanks

Quote
As for the bruises and cuts let her think what she wants. I'm going out to get a kettle bell myself now. I could use some bruising. 
Its good for the soul, better than a punching bag

Quote
Isn't this chapter 5?
Thanks for following along OR, I thought it might be but nothing has really changed since the New Chapter had begun

Quote
It just isn't fair, but life isn't fair.
Truth, that's why I don't believe in karma

So my S19 brings up the subject at dinner cause apparently she told him and I made it clear to everyone at the dinner table how it really is and how it really will be - without being whiny or nasty , just as a matter of fact. My S19 needs to know his old man stands tall, on his own and he should too.

You know what is really weird - she is terrified of confrontation with everyone EXCEPT those people in her family especially me. You would think she would go tear strips off anyone doing anything wrong at anytime considering how much she criticizes me, the kids and my family but she runs away instead. She is incredibly loyal to all, even strangers (neighbours) except us - isn't that strange?

Thanks again - it really helped.

But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2017, 09:44:27 PM »

You know what is really weird - she is terrified of confrontation with everyone EXCEPT those people in her family especially me. You would think she would go tear strips off anyone doing anything wrong at anytime considering how much she criticizes me, the kids and my family but she runs away instead. She is incredibly loyal to all, even strangers (neighbours) except us - isn't that strange?

Thanks again - it really helped.
BBM:Funny thing. My H was always like that. Always. Would throw any of us under the bus, while agreeing with people who were 100% wrong. They need to look good in others eyes, because they can't fool us. Just once, I would have liked for H to have one our backs.

I've said it before, it must be he11 living in their minds.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #7 on: June 18, 2017, 07:18:02 AM »
Thanks OR

Case in point D21 has decided to go back to college and was accepted in an art program for undergrad (she would like to get her masters in art therapy) and instead of making this the big deal that it is to her sister on the phone yesterday, she poo pood it and the school to her. Every time her sisters adult kids take a pee (and believe me, we know about it) her whole family jumps cartwheels and sings the hallelujah chorus. She has gotten indoctrinated, that everything they do is fantastic and everything our kids do needs to be put down or not mentioned. This comes directly from her parents who actually, clearly, have favourites, which are directly related to how much money you make or what your job is. She knows this but still follows along, that is what the big family fight from last June was based on. She (and us) have been ostracized ever since. I am trying to help heal this by being a good host when her parents come in a month, it will be a challenge.

I told her to be positive and be excited to her family about D21 acceptance, she said "well D21 could end up quitting or failing or what ever, I don't want to make a big deal about it" Yet she makes a big deal about her sisters kids college programs to her own kids, how do you suppose our kids feel about her not being excited about their programs to her family? Not good...

I will keep on the program of lifting my kids up whenever possible without being a fool (unrealistic) about it.

Thanks again.

Peace.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Lost

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2017, 07:19:11 AM »
Strange, that is what I felt about H too, even all along, that he was not really loyal. Or rather being more loyal and reliable for others than me and the kids. More important for him to look good to outsiders than actually acting good. And this behaviour increased drastically after BD.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #9 on: June 18, 2017, 11:40:24 AM »
I hope you have a Happy Father's  Day, Made.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #10 on: June 18, 2017, 02:04:17 PM »
Thanks OR. Happy Fathers Day to all the great Dad's out there.

Just want to say I feel like I am complaining a lot which is really not like me but here I get to vent everything that's on my mind and no one knows us so I don't feel like it's being disloyal to her. I would never put her in a place that is embarrassing, disrespectful or difficult . 

Maybe it's an illusion, but I am glad to be able to put things down like a diary, it helps me. Thanks for your patience.

BTW The churches music director asked me again to play bass during worship > I told her I don't know how to play bass BUT I do have a beard so I said I would consider it. We had a good laugh. I am considering it but I am also considering getting serious about Crossfit so that I can take a run at qualifying for the games in 2 years time when I turn 60. I can't do both as I don't have the time and it's now or never for both commitments. Asking G what He wants me to do.

Peace
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #11 on: June 19, 2017, 07:37:19 AM »
NEVER feel ashamed to vent...if you don't you'll explode!

And just always try and remember...Never Argue with Dumb People...They are better at it then you...More Practice.

You just keep doing what you want with the facial hair you want, earning the cuts & bruises you want.  This is YOUR TIME.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #12 on: June 20, 2017, 06:43:10 AM »
Thanks BBHelp

Yesterday we found out the nodules that have been in her lungs for the last 3 years have grown to a size large enough that they want to remove them. Quite a shock but after some research have learned that they are almost always benign. Afterwards she put her arms around me, thanked me for caring about her health so much and said ILY without me saying it first. Later in the day she laid down beside me and put her head on my chest and I held her there for a while > something she has not done in at least 4 years. We had fun together the rest of the day. Perspective? In the night I had a dream she was going out on a date, I helped her get ready...
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #13 on: June 20, 2017, 10:52:13 AM »
The date dream came from her hair style yesterday. She put it up in a french braid and I did NOT compliment her on it on purpose as she usually dismisses my compliments instantly or with a negative attitude.  I normally mention anything positive on anyone person. So she asked me what she thought of her hair.

It seemed to me that she was more interested in my opinion from the buddy point of view not a husbands one. In other words it was not for me. From Thunders comments about women dressing for men I could not help but think she would be wearing that hair style to her work depending on my response to her. Of course it looked beautiful, that it framed her face wonderfully and added a very feminine attractiveness to her every day appearance. Hence the dream.

I keep going, peace.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Never say never

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #14 on: June 20, 2017, 11:10:21 AM »
First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your wife's medical condition.  You've got my prayers for you and your wife and your family.

My perspective is that when she found out about the nodules, it may have shaken her brain back into reality and this may be the start of her rock bottom.  I think it takes something very drastic to get Mid-Lifers to hit their rock bottom.  Let's pray that this is a win-win for all of you, meaning she gets a clean bill of health after her surgery and she comes back to her senses.

We are here for your venting ... please.  If you don't let it out, you will get yourself sick.

I have to laugh at BB with his comment about arguing with dumb people!!  How true is that? ;D ;D  Something I will definitely have to remember.  Goes with my mom's saying that the smart one shuts up!


Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #15 on: June 20, 2017, 02:41:46 PM »
Thanks Never,
I appreciate and accept any prayers for her/us esp. in this situation. I am sure she will be fine and that these are benign nodules but surgery is never easy or guaranteed. I am confident despite her many medical problems, of which this is the most serious,  that she will outlive me by 20 years. We are supposed to be seeing the surgeon quickly.

This may be a beginning to chapter 5, time will tell. She is very stubborn so may not budge even under these circumstances.

Thanks for the understanding about venting, it is appreciated.

I understand about arguing with dumb people but she is the opposite of that > she is really really smart.

Thanks again.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Never say never

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #16 on: June 28, 2017, 08:40:17 PM »
Made, just following up on your thread and wondering how you are doing???  I started from start to finish and I'm concerned. 

Just let us know you are okay, okay???  I'm sure your wife is very, very intelligent.  I am just praying for her health right now. 

All of this just sucks ... just sucks...

Big prayers and hugs ... xoxox

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #17 on: June 28, 2017, 10:32:55 PM »
Thanks for your concern Never,
We are waiting for the cancer agency as the surgeon wants a PET scan 1st to determine if any of the nodules are malignant or not. Then she (the surgeon) will do the surgery according to what we are up against. She is a specialist in minimally invasive surgery for this type of lung surgery. The wait, the specialist and the slow growing nodules all indicate a benign problem but we wont know for sure until the PET scan.

If you read my story all the way through then I am impressed with your patience. I cant reread it. Its too weird. Thanks so much for your concern. Pray please for a quick scan and consult with the surgeon and that all nodules are benign. Then I will ask for prayers for a successful surgery. We have not told our families or our employees yet. We would like more info before we get the whole world worrying.

Pray also please that my w gets off my S19s ass, she is really riding it these days. I think with her parents coming she feels pressure for her kids to measure up, which of course they do not need to. It could be a big problem if she carries on this way while they are here. I am trying gently and diplomatically to tell her to lay off but she is like a dog with a bone when she gets going like this.

I was doing my work today and realized how up $h!te creek my family would be without me and without me running our business. Unknowingly she phoned me to give me $h!te about something trivial, a lost staple gun. I told her not to do that again. Which led me to tell her what would happen of I could not run our business for one reason or another. She still did not appreciate me. That is her though, never give an inch. I have to be SUPER patient these days though considering what we are up against.

Thanks again and peace to all.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Whyus

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #18 on: June 28, 2017, 11:47:15 PM »
Hi Made. About trying to look good on the outside for friends and neighbours! I had a 90 minute phone call with W a few days back. She was in "Normal old W mood". When shes like this we can really talk. I pulled her on how false and over happy she is when in company. She admitted that she wears a mask because she cannot let anybody know how she feels, she really opened up about her feelings for the first time. I told her its a bit much and its embarrassing because its like an act. She thanked me for telling her this and said she would turn it down a notch!!!

Strangely enough. W has to have the house absolutely spotless when potential buyers come to view. She doesnt want anybody saying our house is dirty (it is and was never dirty)! On the other side she doesnt care that people we know simple think she is a $l()t!!!! "I dont care what others think, they should take a look at theyre own Rs"
Very warped!! I would personally have a dirty house and be faithful than have a clean house and have an affair. Maybe im the warped one here!!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Never say never

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #19 on: June 29, 2017, 10:29:54 AM »
Thanks for the update, Made.  Prayers continue.

Whyus ... you definitely are not the warped one.  How their brains think, I just don't get it... I really don't. 

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #20 on: June 30, 2017, 07:08:46 AM »
Today is my 59th birthday, three years since BD. It has been disappointing for years as she puts in minimal effort and little, if any, emotion, much like fathers day, Christmas. I find ways to find joy in the day and am grateful for what I have and am.

2 years ago I forced her to accept that my family would be invited to our house to celebrate my birthday. Its the only way I can have them over without going through a major fight with her. She has to accept this one day I demand as its my bday wish. It's much better for me to have them here instead of going somewhere to celebrate as I enjoy having people over especially my family. She is always embarrassed of our house which is a strange and frankly ungrateful, the usual lack of appreciation considering our house is worth 7 figures.

Anyways they are coming on Sunday and I am looking forward to having them here. I like the idea of giving gifts to others on birthdays, something small that says "I appreciate you, thanks for being part of my life". I have not figured out exactly what that would be but the BBQ at my house is one way.

Peace to all and thanks for being there as I can keep my sanity.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #21 on: June 30, 2017, 09:15:57 AM »
Happy Birthday Made!

Enjoy the day and don't look back look forward.  You have come a long way!

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline Watcher

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #22 on: June 30, 2017, 11:54:11 AM »
Happy Birthday Made

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #23 on: June 30, 2017, 08:24:03 PM »
Happy Birthday! Enjoy your  BBQ.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #24 on: July 01, 2017, 10:05:46 AM »
thanks guys

our family tradition on birthdays is to go to a specific small independent owned restaurant and have dinner. Last night my D21 asked how we met, my w got embarrassed as she always does but I preceded to tell the story and it goes like this.

 In 1991 my friend invited me to a party where she arrived, she was drop dead gorgeous Ill spare you the details but (I remember every bit like yesterday) she had the looks that all men would say holy $h!te when she entered a room. Anyways as I was introduced to her she looked everywhere except at me. I thought okay then and proceeded to enjoy the party. Then the next year in 1992 I was invited to the same friends Blue Jay game 7 World Series game which they won and throughout all the incredibly emotional celebrations, she hugged everyone in the room except me. Well I got the message loud and clear, she was not into me, disappointing but that's the way it goes. The next year I was invited to the same friends party where we were celebrating among other things here 29th birthday. I was totally chill that night and even though someone who was beautiful AND interested came to the party I stuck like glue to her and we ended up talking all night. I eventually asked for a birthday kiss and the rest is history.

However I always was under the impression I was basically the last man on earth and even though she tried to love me > she always felt we had something like an arranged marriage hence the lack of intimacy for the last 7.5 years and when she approached 50 she had her MLC and her affair(s?) and now we have our platonic relationship which I believe will never change.

I believe I will no longer be able to accept this soon and once we get through her lung surgery for benign nodules I will have that frank honest and realistic discussion and we will divorce. We may be able to keep our business if I can keep my emotions out of it, she would have no problem with that arrangement.

It's really hard to realize this as the truth but it is and actually really always has been.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #25 on: July 01, 2017, 12:12:50 PM »
sorry BBHelp, I ignored your advice and looked back
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #26 on: July 05, 2017, 10:42:14 AM »
just an update, the BBQ went well, everyone had a good time, my cooking was a big hit and the grand nephew was the star of the show. She even posed for pictures with me and our kids although she would not really talk to anyone except my nephew (Yes that nephew) and the mother of my grand nephew.

Last nights workout was awesome but I love the next day best - the stomach is flatter, the arms, back and legs bigger and the lovehandles smaller. They got a beating ! I especially like my neck (of all things) muscular and veinous, weird right?

Peace all
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #27 on: July 05, 2017, 10:44:46 AM »
Look back at the good times Made.  They happened and they were real!

The platonic thing feels like it will last forever...but nothing does my friend!  Just keep taking it day by day.

Stay Strong.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #28 on: July 06, 2017, 06:42:24 AM »
Thanks BBHelp,
You are right, there were good times and they were real. I remember telling her that at BD as she reflected only the negative, now I only reflect the negative and have forgotten the positive. I have to make an effort to remember any of them now.

The platonic thing will last as long as we are together, I am sure of that, but I will be back keeping it day by day. Thanks for the reminder.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #29 on: July 08, 2017, 09:47:46 AM »
Your opinions please.

We have our bi-annual sales meetings with suppliers this month and on Thursday is our series of meetings at a trade show. I have purposely booked her to be somewhere else when we meet with OM #1 (?) as I have had enough of him hitting on her since he tried to touch her while (stealthily) while we were at our last meeting together, she put up a block which I saw also and both were undeniable however I never confronted her on it.

My question is, she knows she will not be at that meeting for the 1st time in 15 years but has not said anything to me.
Should I bring it up or let it slide as she appears to be doing > also on purpose?

I have (made up) a legitimate excuse for booking this way that I can use a reason to everyone but everyone knows the real reason.

Bring it into the light?
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #30 on: July 08, 2017, 11:17:15 AM »
Let it slide, imo. Is there any upside to mentioning it? Are there any downsides to not mentioning it? If she blocked him last time, she might be relieved not to have to deal with it.

And I don't really understand, who is this "everyone" who would have any idea of what the "real reason" would be? Why would they care, specifically?  You are business people and switching meetings and schedules come with the territory, even after 15 years.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #31 on: July 08, 2017, 12:14:29 PM »
thanks OR > everyone is he she and me
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Watcher

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #32 on: July 08, 2017, 06:36:39 PM »
You are working out like a beast Made.  :) The next day and the results are the absolute best. Keep it up !

Offline rosecoloredglasses

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #33 on: July 08, 2017, 10:27:23 PM »
Hi Made,

I am sorry to hear about your wife's lungs.  I hope that everything will go as smoothly as possible and that it will be okay.  You are a very patient man dealing with her comments about suspecting you are cheating.  Good for you!  She sounds like she is coming around!
M-45
H-54
D-13
S-10
D-6

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #34 on: July 09, 2017, 09:25:12 AM »
thanks RCG and Watcher
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #35 on: July 10, 2017, 06:53:45 AM »
she pinched my ass!

I said something funny and headed up the stairs and she followed and pinched my ass. I think it was involuntary and I think she was as shocked as I was as neither knew what to do, I just said heyyy pretending to be assaulted, like back in the old days. Thats not a platonic move...BBHelp may be right after all

Her parents arrive tomorrow and she will be forced to sleep with me in our marriage bed. All sorts of things will be a little crazy for a while.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #36 on: July 12, 2017, 06:19:31 AM »
Hi Made,

I was reading some of your story and just wanted to offer prayers for your W's surgery.
Hope everything is benign and she gets a clean bill of health.

You're a good H, Made.

Keep up the work outs!  Results are always awesome to see. 

Had to laugh about the pinch on the bootie.  I remember the 1st race my H did after bd.  I automatically kissed him good luck, like I always did.  He bent right into it.

We both quickly backed up looking like 2 deer in the headlights.  WTH just happened?  ha ha
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Never say never

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #37 on: July 12, 2017, 12:27:22 PM »
First of all, Made, happy belated birthday!! 

As to whether to bring it to your wife's attention about purposefully having her be somewhere else during the meeting with OM1, what's the point?  No need to bring anything up.  In fact, the less you mention the OP, the less chance they will give them any head space.

Good luck with your in-laws arriving and having your wife sleep in the marital bed.  That will definitely be interesting!!

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #38 on: July 14, 2017, 04:35:24 PM »
thanks Thunder we have Aug. 2nd for the PET scan, it will tell us of the urgency to remove them - malignant or benign? we accept all prayers gratefully

I never brought up the meetings and neither of them said anything about it even though it is VERY usual not to meet together when we have these sales meetings - actually we never do that. I wanted them to say something, anything, why didn't they!?

She puts the comforter between us so there is no accidental touching in the middle of the night! You never know where that will lead. On the plus side the last time we had to sleep together > she slept at the other end of the bed with the comforter between us so the glacier like movement that BBHelp describes may (or may not) be happening.

BTW the night before the sale meetings I lifted extra heavy and hard. LOL
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #39 on: July 14, 2017, 07:19:35 PM »
Oh the old comforter border not to cross.  Typical move.

Don't go sleep on the couch or in another room...that would be inconvenient.  No stay here and put up borders.  They can be so insensitive sometimes.

Of course they are not going to say anything about the meeting.   ::)
I would just let it slide.  You have a reason if you need it.  No need to explain yourself.
Why would you?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #40 on: July 15, 2017, 12:49:00 PM »
Thanks for the B' day wisheds Never Say Never

those dates were always the goals in the 1st couple of years post BD, just make it til Christmas, just make it til D21 b'day, just make it til mothers day, til S18 graduation and so on and so on. I have made them all and still keep going.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Whyus

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #41 on: July 15, 2017, 11:59:57 PM »
Hi Made.
Funny thing about the seperated in  bed.
In Germany it's " normal" for couples to have 2 seperate Single quilts on a Double bed. W and I always had a king size quilt because we wanted to be Close to each other. One of the first things w done after bd was buy 2 Single quilts. Broke my heart, it was a massive Signal that she had emotional left.

I Wish your and your W all the best for the PET scan
..
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #42 on: July 16, 2017, 07:56:21 PM »
Thanks WhyUs, emotional left, I guess thats why they cheat and think its not cheating...

She has a habit of having favourite TV shows where the hero is an adulterer. Tonight I said something like "why do you seem to watch TV shows where the heroes are slimeballs" (after her married hero kisses another woman) she says something like oh you are so black and white. I said that is just adultery and if you don't think it is then we need to discuss it. She said nothing but I can see a tiny little smile come across her face and leaves to drive D21 to her BFs She likes another show where the hero is a priest and also an alienator. That one really bugs me cause one of the suspected OM on my list was our parish priest.

I know, don't do that, but it really pisses me off that her mind can file adultery in the ok segment of her brain. She also like to quote (to anyone who will listen) that the divorce rate is 50% with a casual ease of when she said it at BD. The actual rate is 33% in our country and is 35% lower in people who are active in their church than those who are not. The press likes to add the 16% to the total which is actually the number of people who have been divorced twice.


Grrrrrrrrr
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #43 on: July 17, 2017, 11:43:00 AM »
Been there...done that...crappy T-shirt!

SOOOO Frustrating.  My wife did the same damn thing and it would really pi$$ me off.  But next time when you feel the need to have that talk, that argument, to make that point...just go outside and find a big beautiful tree and tell IT exactly how you feel.  that way if it doesn't make you feel better you can bang your head off of it and see if that helps.

Just kidding of course...but it really is a useless conversation.  For her to admit different is to call herself the worst imaginable things.  Her current state of guilt and foolishness will not allow that.  So in the end it doesn't build up anything...because it only frustrates you and shines a light on what she cannot deal with yet.  So I would simply avoid the conflict all together.  If she is watching something you don't like...go do something else.  Remove yourself from the situation.  If it comes as a surprise ad she wants to mention it...just give her an "I'm sorry you feel that way"...and then leave.

Best fights are the ones avoided in her current state.  Not much you can win...but more that you can lose.

Stay Strong my man!

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #44 on: July 18, 2017, 07:02:09 AM »
Thanks BBHelp, I normally do that, leave, but you are right I need more discipline than to try and shine a light in that foggy fog she now calls moral and normal and whats the big deal. She quoted the 50% thing again yesterday while in the car with her folks and I corrected her but she refused to believe it. Rather than push it with her folks there I left it alone.

She is doing a good job of putting a goood couple front in front of her folks. Just a little affection here and there but nothing real, a lean, a touch, a laugh, a knowing smile. But its all for the show. She does it when she wants them to see it but as soon as that opportunity has passed she moves clear away again.

I do deal with the reality with a sense of humour sometimes for example> she sees and set of dishes on TV and says hey I have those exact dishes (not we). I keep my sense of humour by saying weird so do I

A little glacier movement...we change for bed, she hides in the bathroom to change as usual (I admit she is not completely hiding her chest as she usually does) and I wait, out of respect for her, until she is in bed with her back turned and drop my pants, well guess who was sneaking a peak at my glutes (flexed btw) last night. Different than the last time she experienced by naked backside.

 I spent most of last night wondering why in the world would a women, whose husband so obviously loves her, deny that essential part of life (intimacy) together. What a waste of life we are doing. It could be great instead of this foggy fog. I can not understand why she is so stubbornly holding on this lack of intimacy with her husband...an essential ingredient in the recipe of married life...you would think with her medical issues she would drop all the bull$h!te and dive into a complete and healthy marriage... stubborn fool.

What will todays adventure hold?

Thanks for listening, it really helps.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #45 on: July 18, 2017, 07:48:51 AM »
Oh man Made, we've all felt like that.

Just WAKE THE HECK UP!  Look at what you have before it's too late.

Does no good, though.   :-\

Hope you have a good adventure today.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Never say never

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #46 on: July 18, 2017, 11:21:25 AM »
Made, yes, we all do feel like that.  Just wake the F up and be normal again.  Unfortunately, it's not gonna happen like we want it to :( :(

I did have to laugh at your comment about the dishes!!!  That's a good one.

As far as the percentages, not even worth bringing up to her.  She is not listening.  The more you talk, the less she listens and justifies her behavior in her mind.  After all, you are the wicked on.  Remember? 

It is absolutely disgusting that she likes shows like that.  I would not engage her in any conversation, though, on whether it's right or wrong or you are black or white.  Discuss it?  Are you kidding, Made?  It's a discussion you will lose, so don't waste your breath.

Good luck.

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #47 on: July 19, 2017, 06:41:31 AM »
Thanks Thunder, Never Say Never, good reflection that I am not the only one who is thinking - WAKE UP !

Peace
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #48 on: July 19, 2017, 09:51:36 PM »
I do deal with the reality with a sense of humour sometimes for example> she sees and set of dishes on TV and says hey I have those exact dishes (not we). I keep my sense of humour by saying weird so do I
Thanks. I needed that!

I don't know how you do it. I'm getting close to feeling normal, and mine's been out of the house nearly 10 months. I thought I was OK while he was here, but I was existing, not living. You are an incredible man.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #49 on: July 20, 2017, 06:47:56 AM »
Thanks OFFRoad! I think so too but in a humble way, my God has given me a lot of abilities in these circumstances, thankfully.

Her and her Mom had a big fight yesterday over something stupid, essentially it was about being in control. She won't give it up to her Mom even for 2 weeks. Evidentially her Mom started to get hysterical like she did during the "Big Fight of 2016" and started flailing her arms around which my wife actually moved to hold her arms from doing that. I will speak to her in a couple days when emotions have simmered down a bit but physically preventing someone from doing something is stepping over the line IMO. Anyways she is angry and the "shark eyes" have reappeared. I have not seen then since the "Big Fight" but they are back now. The in-laws are here for another week.

More ability please God.

Peace
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #50 on: July 20, 2017, 07:29:38 AM »
I'm praying for that, Made.

What a strange relationship that is, huh?

Not quite as strange as Watcher's W and MIL, but still strange.

Is there anywhere you can hide for a week?   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Watcher

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #51 on: July 20, 2017, 08:33:21 AM »
Time for extra kettle bell  ;D Exit stage left Made. Let those 2 have it out. Maybe your W needs to have it out with her mom. Oooooh, I cannot wait for that in my situation. ;D

Seriously, they are all about control. My W controls the in-laws, the boys and anything else that she can get away with in her environment.

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #52 on: July 20, 2017, 11:41:13 AM »
Quote
Time for extra kettle bell  ;D
LOL

Thanks for listening guys. MLC is like a whirlpool, she is stuck in it going round and round, no matter how many lifelines I offer she refuses all of them and stays in the whirlpool. I'll stay out of it (the Fight) so that it doesn't suck me under too.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #53 on: July 22, 2017, 11:44:20 AM »
Here is a real thing happening to me.

I have always been smaller than every one else but I have never really thought of it, it never stopped me from doing anything I have ever wanted consciously. Now unconsciously it probably lowered my confidence level but I don't think I ever knew it or let it in my consciousness. Most of the time people always treated me as they treat most others. Some didn't but I suspect that is true for a lot of people. I always stood up for myself and for others including confrontations that get physical. People have always underestimated me. However in this last year I have noticed that I am thinking of my size a lot more than usual and seeing how small I really am. I now see myself as a small man in physical stature but I have never noticed that before. It could be because I am now lean, muscular without a lot of body fat but it is revealing my actual size... That's number one.

Number two, I have always thought of myself as good looking, attractive, pleasant to look at, no George Clooney but never had a problem attracting, attractive women (back in the day that is and I have already said my wife was a 'stop in your tracks beauty' and still is "a very attractive woman as an older male friend described her, sometimes I look at her and have to stop myself from telling her how beautiful she is, cause she doesn't like me to say anything like that, unless she asks) ANYWAYS, I now look at myself and at picture of myself and see myself as ugly. That's hard to admit but that's what I am thinking.

I think this must be coming from the last three plus years of rejection and all the BDs and monster things she has said to me or maybe its just the truth that I never knew before. Maybe my confidence in myself has found a way to overlook this things.  I am recording this as a way of confessing what I am thinking. The question is what to do about it. I carry around a piece of paper that describes "character" as being my goal always so I am solid there and I know God loves me because of my heart not my outward appearance but I find these two new self-descriptions to be disturbing.

What does it mean and where will it take me?

Thanks I can't say these things to anyone else and most certainly not my wife, so thanks for listening.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline 1phoenix

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #54 on: July 22, 2017, 12:22:30 PM »
Made,

Don't be so hard on yourself. 

Was told recently, you either have self confidence or you don't. 

You have it, take it off of the shelf, dust it off and put it back where it lives...in you!

Maybe this will help, but often times people think about others and go...wow, if only I had the x that they had, Why don't I have that?  You need to stop and remember, someone with great skin may have a bad foot.  There are things about you that others envy.  NONE OF US ARE PERFECT!!!!!

Go back to childhood and remember that sticks and stones rhyme.

Just being able to post what you did shows self confidence and pride.  Put them back on!  Don't let anyone strip those from you. 



I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #55 on: July 22, 2017, 12:36:28 PM »
It's odd that you are focusing on your appearance, when you have so many other incredible qualities. It's almost like you are trying to find the things you cannot change to pick on yourself about. Kind of sounds like your W, doesn't it?

Re: 'smallness' When you are slim, you look smaller. Your height may remain the same, but your overall silouette is smaller. Having more mass give the impression of being bigger, so yes, being more lean means you will appear less large.

Re:unattractiveness. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The truth is that having someone else tell us we "are not worthy" is verbal abuse. 3+years of that is going to wear on anyone, even when it's not true and we know it isn't true. Most of us got plenty of that before BD, and for myself, it changed me in a way that left me feeling like I wasn't enough. Now that my MLCER is not around,  I'm still old and fat. And yet other people like me, just the way I am. Some even think I'm beautuful. Go figure. I figure if I'm going to be old and fat, I will do it well dressed, with my standards intact, and sharing my enjoyment of life with others. Oddly enough, that seems to make me attractive, not just to others but to myself.

If you live in a constant barrage that you are not good enough for your W, and you have not 100% detached  from anything she thinks about you, how can you feel good inside? And if you don't feel good inside, how can you look good to yourself outside? It's a thought.

It's who you are that matters.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline rosecoloredglasses

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #56 on: July 22, 2017, 12:59:16 PM »
Hi Made,

I have to agree with OR and everyone else on this one.  Beauty is absolutely in the eye of the beholder!  Please don't ever feel you are small and unattractive.  You are amazing in so many ways and dealing with your W for all of these years is taking its toll on you.  When someone we love can't see the light we have inside of ourselves, then we start to feel that maybe the light isn't there.  But it's not about us at all.  It's about the fact that we love broken people and as strong as we are, living with them is wearing us down. 

We actually have similar timelines and you can see on my page that I'm starting to lose it a little after so long of... nothing from my H.  I promise you are not ugly and I've never seen you before.  How do I know?  I read your words here and see the way that you carry yourself in the world.  I see a strong man with a beautiful soul. 
M-45
H-54
D-13
S-10
D-6

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #57 on: July 23, 2017, 06:43:20 AM »
Thanks for your very kind and supportive words.

I see myself as this as well
Quote
I see a strong man with a beautiful soul. 
and it could be that
Quote
It's almost like you are trying to find the things you cannot change to pick on yourself about
and I do know this
Quote
You need to stop and remember, someone with great skin may have a bad foot.

whether the vision is I am seeing is true or not the disturbing thing is that I am seeing myself this way for the 1st time in my life and I (like everyone) has gone through a lot in life but have never seen myself as I see glimpses of myself now. I find that very disturbing. Perhaps I AM in that whirlpool and getting sucked down. When I start hating myself (not my refection in the mirror) I will know that this stand is over.

If that happens and you read it on my thread, please remind me of that statement.

Thanks again

Today I play golf with my in-laws which is usually a pleasant experience.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #58 on: July 23, 2017, 07:22:04 AM »
Made,

I'm sorry you are seeing yourself this way right now.  That makes me sad.

I believe it has EVERYTHING to do with rejection.  There has to be some reason why my W rejected me, so you're looking for valid reasons, when there are none.  She married you, she picked you to be her H. 
She is just in a crisis now and can't see you as she did before, but you haven't changed.  She has.

You stated you never had a problem attracting attractive women.  So how can you honestly think you look ugly, or like a little man? 
Never stopped them or you before.

I agree it's just a shattered self-confidence right now.
You're still a good looking man, inside and out.  Believe in yourself again.  We all believe in you.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #59 on: July 25, 2017, 07:54:24 AM »
Thanks Thunder, I appreciate your kinds words and support. I am hoping this is just a phase but perhaps I should be looking at self help with these, I will monitor myself for negative thinking.

Today her folks went home. The healing that happened during their stay here can not be understated, not just for my W or in-laws but for my kids too. I believe I helped lead them all to that healing. My kids were seething with anger before they got here and after a few well timed and well worded conversations and texts throughout their visits they opened themselves up to drop the grudges and let by gones be by gones (Their mother is terrible at letting things go, grudges last a lifetime). They wont forget the way the family treated them or their mother a year ago but they saw how to take the higher road and gain freedom from anger and resentment. I'm not sure if my w gained anything except relief thinking that she could still have a relationship with her own parents, I showed her the way. And as for my inlaws I raised them up, cheered them on, laughed at their jokes, was joyful with their time with us, all as a way of forgiving them for their outrageous behaviour of a year ago. They are 80 and are deserving of respect despite their behavior last year. I know if I had been at the "Big Fight" it would not have digressed into the cage match that it was. Should my W  have heard what she heard from her family (it was a gang beat down), but my kids did not deserve to be there for it, they did nothing to deserve that kind of experience and the only resentment I still carry is that they were there.  I also know if any of the other grandchildren were there it would not have happened. Thats the way their family is > a hierarchy of favorites stemming directly from her parents.

Anyways I know that my character and the type of man I am has helped with the healing for all parts, whether they know it or acknowledge it or not.

Peace.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #60 on: July 30, 2017, 07:14:05 AM »
She said she was bragging to her poisonness friend yesterday about my fitness level "my muscles on muscles, and crazy six pack" and how my workout levels have helped heal me from my brachial plexus injury of three years ago.   Does anyone remember me talking about my fall down the stairs a month after BD2, 3 years ago? (my wife pretended not to notice it happened)

My neurologist told me she does not need to see me anymore as I am as healed as I will be., she also told me she thought when she first saw me that she was going to have to get me nerve graft operations and pin my scapula to my ribs because my left arm was going to be useless. Weird she would not say that until she released me from her care...anyways its good news. If I don't workout I get residual pain from the injury so it will be have to be a way of life whether I need the exercise for my marriage situation or not. A good thing.

We went to the movies last night and she leaning into me the entire movie with her whole side, legs, arms, shoulders. And then after words nothing. 3 years ago touching me at a movie would send her horrified to the other side of the chair. I guess thats good too?

So stupid that she would shout to me from "her" bedroom when we went to bed, so stupid. She is back to covering up her boobs now that she is not sleeping in the same bed as me and her parents are gone, so stupid.

Peace
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #61 on: July 30, 2017, 07:39:51 AM »
Yes, it is stupid, but I'm glad to hear about your fitness level and how it has helped you. 

Just keep at it.  Isn't much you can do about her MLC but you can take care of you.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline rosecoloredglasses

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #62 on: July 30, 2017, 01:23:53 PM »
You sound good, Made.  Glad all went well with the in-laws and that your wife is softening up a little.  It sounds like she may be changing.  I hope it sticks.  My h hates sitting next to me.  It's so immature in some ways.  I feel like he is acting like a school-boy when he does that.
M-45
H-54
D-13
S-10
D-6

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #63 on: August 01, 2017, 07:11:27 AM »
thanks Rose

Yesterday was her 53rd birthday and we have come a long way since her 50th. That year I came home from work to find a wife staring right through me and who never looked so guilty and so smug at the same time after announcing her thighs and butt were really sore from going on a long "bike ride" which she never did before or since. She had changed that day. This was between BD1 in June and BD2 in September.

As she blew out her birthday candles this year I said "at least there are no boyfriends" and she grabbed my arm and said "well just one". My S20 was there and said "I find it hard to believe you guys ever had sex." I had a MILLION things to say then and there but walked away instead.

Later she brought up our wedding photo album and insisted I look at it. She said "well?" I said "you were truly remarkably beautiful that day and you look very happy." She asked "are you glad you married me?" What could I say except yes. She said "well I am very glad I married you" and then kissed me. Once on the cheek and then on the mouth!? All I could think about was her words in Jan. 2017 about saying she would be prostituting herself if she was to ever have an intimate relationship with me.

Later when it was time for bed, she hid her chest and went to sleep in her own bed.

I am taking one day at a time (most days anyways.) Tomorrow we get her long awaited PET scan.

Peace
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #64 on: August 07, 2017, 06:53:50 AM »
A few months ago she hurt her back and I had been pestering her to go physio which she finally did last week. She was given exercises to do at home and last night she overdid it and was in a lot of pain so much so she asked me to rub myoflex on her back - once she had changed for bed. So I did, for about 20 mins. This is the longest I have touched her in 7 years and she did not tell me to stop even when I had told her the cream had been absorbed. Then she asked me to lie down with her. WE have not been in a bed prone touching in 8 years. I protected myself from rejection by not thinking of it as a big deal and after 10 minutes, got up, kissed her on the cheek and said goodnight. I see this as progress.

We see the MD on Wednesday about the results of the PET scan. I am sure it will all be benign but a few prayers would be helpful.

Peace
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline rosecoloredglasses

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #65 on: August 07, 2017, 08:33:52 AM »
Praying for positive results on the PET scan, Made! 

Your wife has made a lot of progress.  I can't believe she let you rub her shoulders and then snuggled into you.  You have amazing will-power and restraint.  I don't know if I could have just gotten up, left, and gone to bed. 

You are handling things well, Made!  It sounds like your W is making a lot of progress with letting you be close to her and you are being the model of no expectations.  Can't wait to read more updates.  😊
M-45
H-54
D-13
S-10
D-6

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #66 on: August 07, 2017, 08:57:22 AM »
Good job Made.  Slowly but surely.

NO EXPECTATIONS and No Pushing.  Just keep doing what you are doing and let her keep doing what she is doing.  You are BOTH making progress.

Stay Strong.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline Watcher

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #67 on: August 07, 2017, 10:18:19 AM »
I will also be praying for positive results Made. Very encouraging signs from your W. Keep up the good work.

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #68 on: August 07, 2017, 12:56:50 PM »
thanks ya'll.

By the way she treated me this morning I believe she was telling me that she appreciated me for not pushing her further than either of was ready for. I will just accept it as it was and not interpret or expect anything else. Today at least :)

BTW is prone the right word? I don't even remember its been so long...

Thanks for the prayers

also BTW, wasn't the Crossfit Games fantastic this weekend?!!
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #69 on: August 09, 2017, 07:12:35 AM »
she said thank-you for holding me the other night while we were waiting for the doctor,
I said you needed a hug?
she said I needed my hero husband to hold me for a while

We got the diagnosis and we told the kids after. She asked all of us to not say anything to anyone outside of family until we have to so I will respect her wished here. I won't likely post much on my thread for a while (although I will be reading along and chiming in on your threads) as it all seems unimportant now. Your prayers are very welcome and appreciated.

Peace
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #70 on: August 09, 2017, 08:34:32 AM »
Prayers are with you and your family my friend.  You are a good man...and the right man for this moment.

God Bless.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #71 on: August 09, 2017, 12:55:47 PM »
Made,

May God be with you and guiding you as you take the battle into other areas now.

I agree, MLC fades when faced with this kind of challenge.

God bless you both!
M 57
H 57
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 4 continued
« Reply #72 on: September 03, 2017, 07:15:34 AM »
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

 

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