Author Topic: My Story Journey continues for sparklestar - life with a vanisher 4 'let go and let god'  (Read 7129 times)

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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So thread 4. I had kind of hoped that I never had a need for a fourth thread but alas, I’m still here, still in ‘Vanisher MLC land’ and while there isn’t a huge amount to update on the Vanisher himself, this first post is likely to be a long one.

I’ll start off with the title which is where my head is at right now ‘let go and let god’ for me god is non religion specific, agnostic if you will but more ‘universe.’ I am trying to remind myself on a daily (often hour by hour) basis to just hand it over to a greater power and trust that what manifests for me is for my highest good and happiness.

This stance allows me to let go of the notion of ‘standing or not standing’ and any justification that goes with it.

So I find myself in ‘limbo’ not because I’m waiting but because I’m ‘in between.’  I didn’t want or expect to be where I am. I have been placed in a situation that was unwanted, unexpected, uncertain and unplanned. I don’t know what’s next, none of us do at any point in our lives really. All I do know is that I am experiencing grief. With a side order of betrayal and hurt. I’m trying not to get caught up in the ‘race’ to be healed. It’s ok to not be ok. If I have learned anything from all this it’s to do the very opposite of what our MLC spouses do and that’s to face the pain, the grief and all those demons that lurk inside. I know that my healing will be all the stronger for it.

I cycle. I have good days and bad. There’s not really a day where I don’t think about all this. It’s always there lurking just sometimes I’m more detached from it than others. On occasion I am still utterly shocked at what’s happened and the ‘did this really happen.’ But bombs do damage. So it’s expected, its normal and I’m ok with that though sometimes I wish away the pain so badly in an ‘eternal sunshine of a spotless mind’ kind of way.

I have found that learning as much as I can, gaining understanding has helped me a lot. I need to understand as much as possible ‘why’  I want to share a lot of that on this thread so I can refer back but also because I know it’s helped others to. I have a good IC, I have a friend who is a clinical psychologist that also knew my H a little. It’s been valuable insight.

I do the whole ‘is it MLC’ thing again and again. A Vanisher that looks ok and seems to be functioning well is sometimes hard to imagine in MLC. But for those of you who know my threads, that ‘Vanisher’ appears to have gone back to being a lad - young friends, stereo typical bimbo OW, perma tan, gym addiction, sports car, cocaine – he even filmed himself rapping. So he’s pretty stereotypical / textbook. It’s just because I haven’t seen a wallowy, clingy, dishevelled mess of a man (yet) that I doubt it is MLC. That and the fact he seems to be settled and just living his new life. So the questions circle around my mind ‘was it an exit affair’ ‘did he just get bored’ ‘is he happy in his new life’ ‘what did I miss’ ‘was I awful’ and then I remember that upping and leaving your life, without one word of there being an issue isn’t normal. That the way he started to behave wasn’t normal (for him). That the person that exists now is quite different to the one I knew and married and that’s verified by family and friends. So when I add together some if the insight into ‘what causes MLC in terms of personality and upbringing’ and what I have seen happen – he’s a prime MLC candidate and he’s so far graduating with honours.

Yet sometimes I even doubt the entire thing. There are tonnes of people that get bored, think the grass is greener, go off realise after 1,2,3 years it isn’t and then reappear. Understanding what makes it MLC influenced vs not is another mind twister. As I understand it its 60-80% of affairs once discovered end and the cheating spouse begs forgiveness while an MLCr once discovered/announced runs off but I doubt that’s a hard and fast rule.

I’m trying hard to take my attention off of MLC and OW. I’ve tortured myself in the past. I realise that with every will in the world not looking at what’s going on will be hard for 99% of the population so I slip up. I look mostly for any sign that its going wrong but as I have been told again and again I’m not likely to see that if it was. So it’s a 'fall off and on the wagon' process for me. The latest snooping yielded an initially devastating response but 24 hours and some reassessment later it’s actually a prime example of how messed up an OW can be. What hurt me immensely upon first reading now actually provides me with some comfort that OW is deluded. I will share with you to round up this first post.

Sunday (yesterday) was Father’s day in the UK. Social media is full of father’s day posts as standard. OW (currently away on holiday without H who went home for his Grandad's funeral on Friday) shares a selfie of them (where she is front and centre and H lurks behind her) with the following (wording is entirely hers and not my bad spelling/articulation):

‘I can’t thank you enough [H’s name]. I sadly don’t have or haven’t had a relationship with my dad for years now albeit various reasons and him not really being a great dad which is sad. Not many people know this affected me in many ways over the years with my relationship with men and trust, however when I met this gorgeous man he completed me in every way, I know today is Father’s day a special day for many and a sad day for some but one thing I know is you are the most grounded, special man I know and you will make an amazing father one day and I will be even prouder than I am already by being your girlfriend. You are the perfect boyfriend/partner I could ever wish for, caring, loving and so supportive, looking after our beautiful Bella (dog) in hospital while I’m away, nothings ever too much and you are a complete rock to me, I was so proud of you Friday and I’m sure your family and most importantly your grandad was watching down on you so proud of you, I’m so grateful to have you in my life, Bella and Bertie (dogs) are too. I cant wait to come home now and get our girl Bella (dog) home with us again. Love you so much you amazing human #fathersday’

Few facts that will give colour to this story:

H’s grandad sat and cried when he found out what H had done. MIL told me this. H knows this. Not exactly proud.

H’s inability to be supportive was an ongoing joke between us – he left when I was trying to support my family after a 4 month period when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, my mum had a near breakdown because of my grandmas dementia, that grandma then passed away, my sister lost a baby and had to endure life saving surgery AND I was going through all the IVF final tests.

So, posting an almost ‘award acceptance speech’ post about a BF on Fathers day? WTF? I think it’s clear my H is daddy replacement.

Supportive?  It’s a miracle

Proud? Of what? A cheating man who left his wife after knowing you for all of 8 weeks and it being abundantly clear that we had a strong relationship that wasn’t ‘on the rocks’ (our social media)

H has completed you despite all your trust issues? Again, a cheating man who left his wife after knowing you for 8 weeks blah blah blah.

Possibly the most ironic post I have ever witnessed. It's laughable.

Yesterday this post floored me. It filled me with utter dread. I created the ‘perfect’ set up of H and OW in my mind. I felt utterly sick. Today, I am thanking the universe for revealing to me just what a deluded, self-centred air head this women really is. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that she posts this while she is away – she is known to do insecure stuff when she is away from a BFs and this creams 'staking my claim'. The sick dog Bella isn’t H’s. She’s had it years, its seen several boyfriends come and go. And above all else, it’s all about her. How she has been ‘saved’ by a cheating MLCr who wants to be 25 again. Score.

Oh and my H’s response. A heart emoji. That’s it.

I think this demonstrates perfectly well just what OW are like.

Previous thread (if its worked): http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8998.0



Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Holy cr*p my linking threads worked. I've graduated newbie status....

Offline Still Half full

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I'm following along SS

Your post is such a good description of where I'm at too, I've recently said to a very close friend that I'm in a limbo of my own making, I could start the divorce process, but I don't want to. I could chase H ( I know that he's not happy, but not strong enough to do anything ) but I don't want to. I don't know if I'm standing, I feel like I'm just coping day to day, so limbo it is

I'm pleased you were able to see stupid OW's social media post for what it is, thank goodness for this site, we learn without realising and slowly see that we are progressing from the initial rawness ( I still recommend not looking at OW or H's social media, I don't think you ever find the truth there and it nearly always hurts, I haven't looked on any sites since the very beginning ) I can see your progressing, which is really good, but so difficult, accepting you're not in a place that you ever expected to be in is mind boggling

We will continue to progress, we'll continue to get stronger and we will be ok ( hopefully 😊)
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline serenity

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Well done Sparkly for linking your threads...

I've been on here for years and still can't do anything clever like that.

I'm such an old technophobe!!!

X

Offline Thunder

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Attaching

Good job, Sparkles.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Tyks

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Awesome post, Sparkles. It is awesome that you actually got perspective from her view lol... daddy issues for sure.

You are doing well... and I am here travelling along with you :)
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline Dumbfounded

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Attaching Sparkles...

I found your interpretation of the OW's post very mature. It might have thrown me for an LBS loop but you see it for exactly what it is. My favorite part is the "perfect boyfriend/partner" - I think I snorted. Yeah except he is married!!

Wow!  I feel like someone understands the limbo thing.  I feel like I have been marked as a non stander on the forum but really I haven't a clue what I am doing about my M. I think Still Half Full explained it nicely - I am not divorcing him and I am not chasing him. I am just doing my own thing here on a day to day basis.             
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline 31andcounting

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Jumping on board...Your h is clearly a savior to that father less girl isn't he??
geeeezz!   These OW Never cease to amaze me!

A relationship that is set to fail for sure!!
You handled the FB post very well, I applaud you!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Tyks

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I have been thinking about your post a lot the last hour or so. I like to say that i am not a stander because I dont want to be blowing steam, meaning how can I stand if I date? But the more i think abiut it the more I realize that I am just living day by day. I think that that is what we are all doing until if and when we have just had enough and want to get one with our lives with or without the mlcer.

It really is a tricky situation and as discussed on this board plenty, there really is no right way or wrong way. We are all grieving and grieving is done at everyone's personal pace.

I just get so fed up with the situation and having a vanisher as you know is frustrating that i say pi$$ on it I am done.I dont know whether I am coming or going most days lol.

What I do know is I am so angry for what he has/is doing to my girls. It is such a frustrsting thing to be the one here picking up the pieces when it wasnt your own doing.


Anyway, sorry for blabbing but your post was so awesome that it got me thinking lol
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Glad to have you all along for the journey 

I thought long and hard about how to articulate where I am, how I feel, the standing vs not standing. I think maybe this part exhausts me more than any other so I decided I have no answer really, well, I do in that the answer is I have no definitive. It serves no purpose to try and force a decision either way which would in all honesty be deceiving myself so for the now, I’m ‘staying open to all possibilities, while I get on with other stuff’  Let go and let god.

The only thing I am certain of is that my goal is happiness and the best life for Sparkles. Sometimes I feel far from happiness when I feel sad and down but in all honesty outside of the MLC stuff I am much happier, I am less angry, less stressed, I feel more easy going and that’s been great – point to Sparkles.

The other thing I am certain of is that I do not need any one to ‘complete me.’  Those words OW used jumped off the page and smacked me in the face – why? Because I knew then that I had 100% reached a stage where I don’t need a man. No human completes another. Relationships are about people complementing one another not completing them. Worst case scenario and I never have a relationship again then you know what, I’ve learnt to like me, be my own best friend, I actually enjoy my own company. This is a big leap forward for me. I know hand on heart that I won’t be with someone just for the sake of it, or not to be alone or any other reason. Don’t get me wrong sometimes I feel very lonely, on a down day etc but its nit all the time. Once upon a time I would have hated my H even being away for a day, now I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if he was away for a week in fact I would enjoy it – that’s a gift I have received from this. It’s like one of those ‘shadowy/broken’ bits of myself healed. Another point to Sparkles.

So I can really see how healing for us takes place to. I often wonder whether the trixie Universe works in such a way that sometimes we are forced in to a situation to ‘heal and grow’ I’ve mentioned that on my last thread. Who knows, but I know that I wouldn’t likely have worked on these things if this had never happened.

So yes, its living day by day, no right or wrongs, no race, no rush just keeping going...

And thank you for your kind comments about OWs post. I did completely spiral down at first but I seem to have reached the ‘firetruck it’ point and can see it for what I think it is. I think this is how it works for me, I get down or upset or whatever but I eventually just burn out of it and end up at the ‘firetruck it’ point and too tired to think about it.

Just shows you though – there are some seriously desperate, deluded OW out there.

One thing I wanted to ask the way more clever than me community of LBSs out there is what’s the thoughts on the HB theories below – it all sounds a bit ‘out there sci-fi’ to me but I am interested in whether this comes from any actual theories? Is this the shadow self stuff (Jung etc). It’s a useful read in any case for anyone interested in gaining understanding…

https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-children-of-the-mid-lifers-issues/
https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/a-deeper-look-at-the-children-of-the-mid-lifers-issues/

 

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