Author Topic: My Story Journey continues for sparklestar - life with a vanisher 4 'let go and let god'  (Read 7110 times)

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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So thread 4. I had kind of hoped that I never had a need for a fourth thread but alas, I’m still here, still in ‘Vanisher MLC land’ and while there isn’t a huge amount to update on the Vanisher himself, this first post is likely to be a long one.

I’ll start off with the title which is where my head is at right now ‘let go and let god’ for me god is non religion specific, agnostic if you will but more ‘universe.’ I am trying to remind myself on a daily (often hour by hour) basis to just hand it over to a greater power and trust that what manifests for me is for my highest good and happiness.

This stance allows me to let go of the notion of ‘standing or not standing’ and any justification that goes with it.

So I find myself in ‘limbo’ not because I’m waiting but because I’m ‘in between.’  I didn’t want or expect to be where I am. I have been placed in a situation that was unwanted, unexpected, uncertain and unplanned. I don’t know what’s next, none of us do at any point in our lives really. All I do know is that I am experiencing grief. With a side order of betrayal and hurt. I’m trying not to get caught up in the ‘race’ to be healed. It’s ok to not be ok. If I have learned anything from all this it’s to do the very opposite of what our MLC spouses do and that’s to face the pain, the grief and all those demons that lurk inside. I know that my healing will be all the stronger for it.

I cycle. I have good days and bad. There’s not really a day where I don’t think about all this. It’s always there lurking just sometimes I’m more detached from it than others. On occasion I am still utterly shocked at what’s happened and the ‘did this really happen.’ But bombs do damage. So it’s expected, its normal and I’m ok with that though sometimes I wish away the pain so badly in an ‘eternal sunshine of a spotless mind’ kind of way.

I have found that learning as much as I can, gaining understanding has helped me a lot. I need to understand as much as possible ‘why’  I want to share a lot of that on this thread so I can refer back but also because I know it’s helped others to. I have a good IC, I have a friend who is a clinical psychologist that also knew my H a little. It’s been valuable insight.

I do the whole ‘is it MLC’ thing again and again. A Vanisher that looks ok and seems to be functioning well is sometimes hard to imagine in MLC. But for those of you who know my threads, that ‘Vanisher’ appears to have gone back to being a lad - young friends, stereo typical bimbo OW, perma tan, gym addiction, sports car, cocaine – he even filmed himself rapping. So he’s pretty stereotypical / textbook. It’s just because I haven’t seen a wallowy, clingy, dishevelled mess of a man (yet) that I doubt it is MLC. That and the fact he seems to be settled and just living his new life. So the questions circle around my mind ‘was it an exit affair’ ‘did he just get bored’ ‘is he happy in his new life’ ‘what did I miss’ ‘was I awful’ and then I remember that upping and leaving your life, without one word of there being an issue isn’t normal. That the way he started to behave wasn’t normal (for him). That the person that exists now is quite different to the one I knew and married and that’s verified by family and friends. So when I add together some if the insight into ‘what causes MLC in terms of personality and upbringing’ and what I have seen happen – he’s a prime MLC candidate and he’s so far graduating with honours.

Yet sometimes I even doubt the entire thing. There are tonnes of people that get bored, think the grass is greener, go off realise after 1,2,3 years it isn’t and then reappear. Understanding what makes it MLC influenced vs not is another mind twister. As I understand it its 60-80% of affairs once discovered end and the cheating spouse begs forgiveness while an MLCr once discovered/announced runs off but I doubt that’s a hard and fast rule.

I’m trying hard to take my attention off of MLC and OW. I’ve tortured myself in the past. I realise that with every will in the world not looking at what’s going on will be hard for 99% of the population so I slip up. I look mostly for any sign that its going wrong but as I have been told again and again I’m not likely to see that if it was. So it’s a 'fall off and on the wagon' process for me. The latest snooping yielded an initially devastating response but 24 hours and some reassessment later it’s actually a prime example of how messed up an OW can be. What hurt me immensely upon first reading now actually provides me with some comfort that OW is deluded. I will share with you to round up this first post.

Sunday (yesterday) was Father’s day in the UK. Social media is full of father’s day posts as standard. OW (currently away on holiday without H who went home for his Grandad's funeral on Friday) shares a selfie of them (where she is front and centre and H lurks behind her) with the following (wording is entirely hers and not my bad spelling/articulation):

‘I can’t thank you enough [H’s name]. I sadly don’t have or haven’t had a relationship with my dad for years now albeit various reasons and him not really being a great dad which is sad. Not many people know this affected me in many ways over the years with my relationship with men and trust, however when I met this gorgeous man he completed me in every way, I know today is Father’s day a special day for many and a sad day for some but one thing I know is you are the most grounded, special man I know and you will make an amazing father one day and I will be even prouder than I am already by being your girlfriend. You are the perfect boyfriend/partner I could ever wish for, caring, loving and so supportive, looking after our beautiful Bella (dog) in hospital while I’m away, nothings ever too much and you are a complete rock to me, I was so proud of you Friday and I’m sure your family and most importantly your grandad was watching down on you so proud of you, I’m so grateful to have you in my life, Bella and Bertie (dogs) are too. I cant wait to come home now and get our girl Bella (dog) home with us again. Love you so much you amazing human #fathersday’

Few facts that will give colour to this story:

H’s grandad sat and cried when he found out what H had done. MIL told me this. H knows this. Not exactly proud.

H’s inability to be supportive was an ongoing joke between us – he left when I was trying to support my family after a 4 month period when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, my mum had a near breakdown because of my grandmas dementia, that grandma then passed away, my sister lost a baby and had to endure life saving surgery AND I was going through all the IVF final tests.

So, posting an almost ‘award acceptance speech’ post about a BF on Fathers day? WTF? I think it’s clear my H is daddy replacement.

Supportive?  It’s a miracle

Proud? Of what? A cheating man who left his wife after knowing you for all of 8 weeks and it being abundantly clear that we had a strong relationship that wasn’t ‘on the rocks’ (our social media)

H has completed you despite all your trust issues? Again, a cheating man who left his wife after knowing you for 8 weeks blah blah blah.

Possibly the most ironic post I have ever witnessed. It's laughable.

Yesterday this post floored me. It filled me with utter dread. I created the ‘perfect’ set up of H and OW in my mind. I felt utterly sick. Today, I am thanking the universe for revealing to me just what a deluded, self-centred air head this women really is. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that she posts this while she is away – she is known to do insecure stuff when she is away from a BFs and this creams 'staking my claim'. The sick dog Bella isn’t H’s. She’s had it years, its seen several boyfriends come and go. And above all else, it’s all about her. How she has been ‘saved’ by a cheating MLCr who wants to be 25 again. Score.

Oh and my H’s response. A heart emoji. That’s it.

I think this demonstrates perfectly well just what OW are like.

Previous thread (if its worked): http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8998.0



Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Holy cr*p my linking threads worked. I've graduated newbie status....

Offline Still Half full

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I'm following along SS

Your post is such a good description of where I'm at too, I've recently said to a very close friend that I'm in a limbo of my own making, I could start the divorce process, but I don't want to. I could chase H ( I know that he's not happy, but not strong enough to do anything ) but I don't want to. I don't know if I'm standing, I feel like I'm just coping day to day, so limbo it is

I'm pleased you were able to see stupid OW's social media post for what it is, thank goodness for this site, we learn without realising and slowly see that we are progressing from the initial rawness ( I still recommend not looking at OW or H's social media, I don't think you ever find the truth there and it nearly always hurts, I haven't looked on any sites since the very beginning ) I can see your progressing, which is really good, but so difficult, accepting you're not in a place that you ever expected to be in is mind boggling

We will continue to progress, we'll continue to get stronger and we will be ok ( hopefully 😊)
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline serenity

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Well done Sparkly for linking your threads...

I've been on here for years and still can't do anything clever like that.

I'm such an old technophobe!!!

X

Offline Thunder

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Attaching

Good job, Sparkles.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Tyks

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Awesome post, Sparkles. It is awesome that you actually got perspective from her view lol... daddy issues for sure.

You are doing well... and I am here travelling along with you :)
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline Dumbfounded

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Attaching Sparkles...

I found your interpretation of the OW's post very mature. It might have thrown me for an LBS loop but you see it for exactly what it is. My favorite part is the "perfect boyfriend/partner" - I think I snorted. Yeah except he is married!!

Wow!  I feel like someone understands the limbo thing.  I feel like I have been marked as a non stander on the forum but really I haven't a clue what I am doing about my M. I think Still Half Full explained it nicely - I am not divorcing him and I am not chasing him. I am just doing my own thing here on a day to day basis.             
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline 31andcounting

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Jumping on board...Your h is clearly a savior to that father less girl isn't he??
geeeezz!   These OW Never cease to amaze me!

A relationship that is set to fail for sure!!
You handled the FB post very well, I applaud you!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Tyks

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I have been thinking about your post a lot the last hour or so. I like to say that i am not a stander because I dont want to be blowing steam, meaning how can I stand if I date? But the more i think abiut it the more I realize that I am just living day by day. I think that that is what we are all doing until if and when we have just had enough and want to get one with our lives with or without the mlcer.

It really is a tricky situation and as discussed on this board plenty, there really is no right way or wrong way. We are all grieving and grieving is done at everyone's personal pace.

I just get so fed up with the situation and having a vanisher as you know is frustrating that i say pi$$ on it I am done.I dont know whether I am coming or going most days lol.

What I do know is I am so angry for what he has/is doing to my girls. It is such a frustrsting thing to be the one here picking up the pieces when it wasnt your own doing.


Anyway, sorry for blabbing but your post was so awesome that it got me thinking lol
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Glad to have you all along for the journey 

I thought long and hard about how to articulate where I am, how I feel, the standing vs not standing. I think maybe this part exhausts me more than any other so I decided I have no answer really, well, I do in that the answer is I have no definitive. It serves no purpose to try and force a decision either way which would in all honesty be deceiving myself so for the now, I’m ‘staying open to all possibilities, while I get on with other stuff’  Let go and let god.

The only thing I am certain of is that my goal is happiness and the best life for Sparkles. Sometimes I feel far from happiness when I feel sad and down but in all honesty outside of the MLC stuff I am much happier, I am less angry, less stressed, I feel more easy going and that’s been great – point to Sparkles.

The other thing I am certain of is that I do not need any one to ‘complete me.’  Those words OW used jumped off the page and smacked me in the face – why? Because I knew then that I had 100% reached a stage where I don’t need a man. No human completes another. Relationships are about people complementing one another not completing them. Worst case scenario and I never have a relationship again then you know what, I’ve learnt to like me, be my own best friend, I actually enjoy my own company. This is a big leap forward for me. I know hand on heart that I won’t be with someone just for the sake of it, or not to be alone or any other reason. Don’t get me wrong sometimes I feel very lonely, on a down day etc but its nit all the time. Once upon a time I would have hated my H even being away for a day, now I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if he was away for a week in fact I would enjoy it – that’s a gift I have received from this. It’s like one of those ‘shadowy/broken’ bits of myself healed. Another point to Sparkles.

So I can really see how healing for us takes place to. I often wonder whether the trixie Universe works in such a way that sometimes we are forced in to a situation to ‘heal and grow’ I’ve mentioned that on my last thread. Who knows, but I know that I wouldn’t likely have worked on these things if this had never happened.

So yes, its living day by day, no right or wrongs, no race, no rush just keeping going...

And thank you for your kind comments about OWs post. I did completely spiral down at first but I seem to have reached the ‘firetruck it’ point and can see it for what I think it is. I think this is how it works for me, I get down or upset or whatever but I eventually just burn out of it and end up at the ‘firetruck it’ point and too tired to think about it.

Just shows you though – there are some seriously desperate, deluded OW out there.

One thing I wanted to ask the way more clever than me community of LBSs out there is what’s the thoughts on the HB theories below – it all sounds a bit ‘out there sci-fi’ to me but I am interested in whether this comes from any actual theories? Is this the shadow self stuff (Jung etc). It’s a useful read in any case for anyone interested in gaining understanding…

https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-children-of-the-mid-lifers-issues/
https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/a-deeper-look-at-the-children-of-the-mid-lifers-issues/

Offline Mae

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I think this is a great first post on your third thread SS. It shows a lot of reflection and growth and how far you have come already. And you are right, nobody chooses this path willingly, but the opportunities for growth are amazing and sometimes I have to be grateful for that even as I hate having to go through so much pain to get through to the other side. The other side however is worth it.

As for OW.....boy has she hit the jackpot with Replay Rapper and all that gushing about how great and wonderful he is, well that's a comedy act right there. It should have had you in TEARS......of laughter of course. I'm glad you were able to get some perspective on it.

Like you I hated having my H away for the night in my old life and now my own time and space is what I will miss the most when he comes back.

Cheering you along SS.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Offline No expectations

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Sparkle,

You sound so good.  You've really come a long way in a short time.   We all do grow through this, don't we.  That's the risk our MLC'ERS take, they expect us to wait on a shelf somewhere in case they want to come back,  but we continue to grow.

As far as standing  vs not, I have read over and over here that standing is for us, until we can feel strong enough and healed enough to make a decision.  Even then, standers can decide they've been through enough,  and move on. 

So in the meantime,  keep doing what you're doing,  live for Sparkle.   Continue to grow and heal.  We're all here,  cheering you on!
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Shelly7435

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Attaching for your journey!
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline UrsaMajor

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Attaching....

Now, please give me a bit of slack today as, for some unknown reason, I haven't slept so poorly since ABD as I did last night... UGH! Not a full moon so that isn't it...

The gushing gooey professions of Schmoopieness make me wanna but, in going with the "Leaky Bucket" theory of MLC/Narcissism, it fits as the OW/OM is fulfilling the Mid-Lifers need for external validation....

That whole "You complete me" nonsense is also -worthy... If one is not a complete person, then no firetrucking person int he world is going to fill that void for long... They can cover it over for a while but, itn the end, it's like trying to cover a sucking black hole of emptiness... At some point, they too will get sucked into the Event horizon, get chewed up, squashed, discombubalated, destroyed and spit out ...

Finally, on the humorous side, because of different terminology / cultures, I have to giggle every time I read someone talking about being a Stander... or not.... In German, a "stander" is a slang term for  ... uhmmmmmm ... well.... uhh..... you know....  :o
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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I agree 100% with you and everyone else. 

Perfect MLC relationship.  She has her daddy back and he gets the adoration he needs to feel like the Knight in Shining Armor.
Now what on earth could go wrong there?   ;D

I agree with UM's "puke's"  ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Ha ha that's why I wanted to share OWs post because it perfectly demonstrates the daddy issues, the external validation an OP gives an MLCr and the delusion of their circumstance. As painful as it was to see and the fact it did cause me to wobble and the paranoid part of my brain still wobbles thinking it's all 'walk of into the sunset' for them,  I can see it for what it is.

I actually think it's pretty sick and twisted. She's clearly linking being abandoned by a father to feeling whole again by a boyfriend - that's gross!

The really ironic part is that my h is NOT good at being supportive. So either it's a major personality transplant or she is seeing him just being there, being passive and laid back, saying the right words as supportive? He must be lapping up the attention but at the same time it all sounds very claustrophobic and smothering.

If he felt trapped before surely reading that will make him freak! It's pretty clear where her heads at.

And UM not sure what the weathers like in Germany but it's absolutely boiling here and I think everyone is struggling to sleep....

Offline Blondie

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Sparkles, reading what your H's OW posted has given me one of the biggest laughs since I joined this site.  She really is deranged and reminds me of my H's OW1 who constantly posted happy FB selfies and tagged H all the time. I blocked the pair of them and came off FB but mutual friends would be so aghast that they'd tell me stuff anyway, even though I preferred not to know.

She would constantly proclaim how much she loved him, what a great Stepdad he was to her children, how supportive they were of each other, what an evil wife I was! One of my H's lifelong friends said it was like OW1 was her and H's PA!

Omg, it's just pathetic, your H's OW is pathetic, what simpering rubbish from an actual grown-up and his 💜 as a reply comes across as 'help, how do I respond'!! I bet he is really embarrassed.... as he should be!!
Together 23 years, Married 18 years at BD
M 49, H 49
D17
D14
1st BD April 2014 (EA probably PA) left OW May 2014, came back home June 2014, 2nd BD August 2014. Lived with OW1 for 2 years, now with OW2 (half his age).

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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I'm really glad that others can see what a ridiculous statement that was from OW. It's not just me that thinks it.... (look who's seeking validation now)  ;)

I'm thankful for being handed that piece of information as much as it riled me.  I've had to use every last bit of willpower not to respond BELIEVE me I have wanted to but I won't. I won't give that delusional idiot one smidgen off my energy and I have promised myself from day one that I will never be the 'terrible wife' I'm so sure she wants to believe I am. I hope my silence makes them both uneasy. Part of me thinks maybe H thinks he's got away with it because I have remained silent but I am not fuelling that fire in any way shape or form.

My sister sent me this today, it helps describe narcissism which is such a feature in MLC
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=arJLy3hX1E8


Offline CanLetGo

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Following Sparle. Ugh, OW post ridiculous. Good on you for processing it and getting on with things. I understand what you say about being less stressed about things, I have learned that too, and not sure I would have without MLC. Also your thoughts on standing - we are just being for now, and that's ok. Take care, love your thread and your writing Sparkle, that you are just a lovely person leaps off the page x
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Ah what a lovely thing to say CLG :)

I think we really do have to stand back, count our blessings and realise the utter nonsense that most of this all is. These MLCrs are broken in one form or another pure and simple.

Offline FaithWalker

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Hi SS...I saw your question to me on DF's thread, so I figured I would come here and post the link for you.  Velika shared it on her thread and I realized I bookmarked it back in the fall after reading it then.

I think the blogger condensed some information found here at our site, but it really is a helpful article.

http://whatismidlifecrisis.blogspot.com/2013/07/signs-of-depression-in-mlc.html
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Never say never

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SS, I am following along on your journey, though a bit late.  I just read through it all.  My, oh, my, those OWs are really something, aren't they?  They sure are a piece of work.

But you sound like you are doing well.  I say well because you, like me, have your moments of ups and downs, but in reality, the down times are okay.  That is when God is giving us strength to get through this and to realize that this journey is about us ... not our spouses.

As far as the articles from HB regarding the children of the Mid-lifer and the deeper issues.  Those are incredibly well-written articles which mirror my husband to a T.  I have absolute proof that my husband has such serious abandonment issues and is reliving his past, using me as his punching bag.

I have posted before that my husband has come out in a couple of different ages.  When he is about six or seven, he asks for spaghettios and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  He looks right through when he does this.  He is not nasty, but sad ... very sad.

When he is a teenager, he punches holes in the walls and yells that no one was there for him growing up, watching his baseball games, supporting him, making sure he went to college, blah, blah, blah.  That is when he looks at me and I am frightened at what I see. 

I posted all of this early on in my thread.  I don't mean to highjack, but it is very important, I think, to shed some light on these "children."  I have said it before and I'll say it again.  I think my husband has two OW in his life.  He has used me as the mom he hates and he has used OW as the mom he wished he had.

He takes out his anger on me for his abandonment.  OW gives him the nurturing, comfort, love he never received as a child.  I don't think his relationship meant to become sexual.  It was a nourishing relationship to give him the childhood he never had.  By it turning sexual (if it has ... no proof ... but, duh) that made it more complicated because he now is sleeping with his mother in his mind.

I know ... cray-cray. 

I just wanted to let you know I have read her articles and they are all very on-point.  You are really doing so well, SS.  Thanks, also, for following along with me on my journey.  Hugs

Offline UKStander

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Hi Sparkle

Wow that post from your OW was crazy indeed. Like you, I was struck by her teen-like idolisation of your H and that she is definitely 'staking her claim'.   :P   Also that he 'completes me'. Oh YUK, YUK, YUK. Silly fool, she is. This will never happen. I can't wait for the shallowness of what they're sharing to be revealed and for it all to fall apart. Roll on Rock Bottom, say I !!   :)

Keep your chin up and head held high. She's food chain hamburger, and you're fillet steak.   :)
BD June 2011
Affair discovered; three moves out and three attempts at return during 2012, culminating in "I'm not coming back" statement. Then DIY separation agreement - Feb 14 - which I wouldn't sign. He moved in with OW in 10/14 and I heard little more. I instigated D in 2016.  He's still living in rental with OW and her D but the cracks are starting to appear.

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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I didn't want my next update to be such a negative one. But it is.

This morning the letter I feared would land on the doorstep did. It was From a solicitor stating my H wants a divorce. He's willing to let me petition on the grounds of adultery with an unnamed party (conditional) and he will pay the fees. He wants his share of our house. If I disagree he will petition on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour (not stated as to what that unreasonable behaviour is) and I will he responsible for costs.

It's basically blackmail.

Tomorrow he goes to one of our friends weddings with her. The irony.

He didn't even have the decency to try and discuss this with me. A bolt from the blue. That's vanisher cowardice for you.

He asked to meet a friend of mine a few weeks ago we don't know why but my friend didn't respond (he also didn't tell me about it which caused a bit of upset but that's by the by) That friend was the one he spoke to back in December when he looked like he was full of regret and had made a mistake. My friend, feeling bad about ignoring my Hs text ended up calling my H 2 nights ago (which I wish he hadn't but never mind) my H mentioned nothing of this, he must have literally just been to the solicitors in the days before. My H and friend chatted and my H suggested a drink next week possibly out of politeness because my guess is his original reason for contacting my friend was to try and soften the blow of all this. Again utterly spineless. He would try and use my friend to levy what he was planning - im stunned.

So now I'm obviously shocked, very hurt and confused as of what to do.

In the U.K. You can defend a divorce petition. If I refuse and let him lie and file on unreasonable behaviour I can defend it but it will cost a lot and I understand that the courts don't really care and don't check the detail. That said there was a very public case a few weeks ago where an 'unreasonable behaviour' petition was successfully defended and even an appeal against that decision failed. So these cases to have an impact on future rulings I think.

Divorce will force the sale of my house. I don't want that. I have worked so hard to create it. Why should he walk away with half he did firetruck all there. My feeling is that I should not file, I should let him actually do it. If he wants his divorce I want the house signed over to me first. I have texted him to say I want to talk about this - so far nothing. The solicitors letter actually states he wants me to contact him directly to arrange collection of his stuff so I have but he may just ignore me.

So right now my situ seems pretty dire. I didn't think I would be here and I cannot believe after the sheer hell he has put me through he now acts in this utterly spineless way. I just do not recognise this person. And she (ow) must be living this which makes my blood boil.

Feeling very lost and could use some advice.  :(

Offline Blondie

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First of all Sparkles, big hugs. I firmly believe the OW/OM push this. My H left saying 'we are just separating, we don't need to get divorced'. One week later he was texting me asking for a divorce, I was in disbelief at the insensitivity (looking after two distraught Ds, and myself)! I told him 'no', too soon and we (Ds and I) need time to adjust. H would carry on emailing and texting every month or so insisting on a divorce.

I went to see a solicitor four months after he left and she said basically I couldn't stop him divorcing me. I'm in the UK and my solicitor is a woman my age (49). She's happily married with children but she said that if her husband wanted to divorce her on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, then he would be able to.

She said years ago it was harder to use this 'tactic' and that the behaviour would have to be along the lines of spousal abuse or alcoholism. The courts are apparently way more lenient and virtually anything can be seen as unreasonable behaviour.

It still took me another four months to file and I didn't name the OW (apparently the courts don't agree with the third party being 'shamed').

It's not the end though. I filed for financial reasons, fed up begging my H (on his triple figure salary) to pay child maintenance. This was April 2015 and it's only just gone through. H   delayed all the way through and if my brilliant solicitor hadn't kept pushing I'd probably be married for a long time to come. Whatever happens, I firmly believe divorce doesn't have to be the end. My H's brother actually divorced and remarried the same woman a few years later! Bonkers.

Our home was the thing I was most worried about. Because our Ds are still at school, we get to stay in the house for four years and then it's being sold and split 65/35 to me. I do hope to remortgage and buy him out in the meantime.

I wouldn't wish this crap on anyone 😔 X
Together 23 years, Married 18 years at BD
M 49, H 49
D17
D14
1st BD April 2014 (EA probably PA) left OW May 2014, came back home June 2014, 2nd BD August 2014. Lived with OW1 for 2 years, now with OW2 (half his age).

Offline No expectations

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Oh Sparkle,  I'm so very sorry that you're going through this.   I have no idea what advice to give,  other than to see your own solicitor asap.  At this point,  you do need legal counsel.

These freaking cowards.  I really hate this.
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Blondie

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They are cowards No Ex, you're right. My H's OW even started texting me telling me to accept it was over and that I needed to let divorce commence! She was the one that ended up filing my H's papers because he kept putting it off and was threatened with fines and imprisonment. She told everyone they were going to get married. Well that didn't happen because within a month of splitting up with her, he was onto OW2. I know it's all really sad but sometimes I have to laugh at the absurdity of all our situations  ::)
Together 23 years, Married 18 years at BD
M 49, H 49
D17
D14
1st BD April 2014 (EA probably PA) left OW May 2014, came back home June 2014, 2nd BD August 2014. Lived with OW1 for 2 years, now with OW2 (half his age).

Offline Dumbfounded

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I agree with NoEx. Get yourself legal representation and take care of you. In the meantime, I would write back to H's solicitor and tell him you have contacted H on such and such a date to arrange for the collection of his things and H has not responded. Put the ball right back in his court.

No doubt it is the OW pushing for a D after her social media love declaration.

((Hugs)) I am sorry this is happening to you.  Just cowardly the way these MLCers trash their lives and let the OW run them around in circles.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline CallingHeart

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Quote
He's willing to let me petition on the grounds of adultery with an unnamed party (conditional) and he will pay the fees. He wants his share of our house. If I disagree he will petition on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour (not stated as to what that unreasonable behaviour is) and I will he responsible for costs.

Hi Sparklestar
Please get yourself legal advice before you proceed with your H.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking that either option above is going to result in:
1) an unwanted D for you and
2) him getting "his share" of the house :(

The only thing he is offering is for him to pay the costs and who knows:
1) whether he really would follow through
2) whether he might have to pay them anyway if he files for unreasonable behavior

Are there any other financial assets to consider?  would he owe you alimony / cost of living expenses?
If not, then shoot - let him petition! 
That way he owns the work of the D you don't want, and you're not going to just jump up and do what he wants you to do.
His letter sounded controlling, but it's probably his solicitor's way of handling things to be less costly.

Definitely seek legal help.  Your solicitor can advise how to handle everything. 
Perhaps there is benefit in you filing vs him.  Either way, it just SUX!!

Sorry this is happening to you. 
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline FaithWalker

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I'm so sorry ss.  I agree, take the letter to your solicitor.
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Shocked

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Jumping on but I think we should start calling you Sparky!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline Never say never

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SS, I'm so sorry you are faced with all of this, but please re-read what Blondie and CH posted.  Right now, you have got to take your heart out of the matter and put your head in the game.  This sucks ... yes, it does, but it's reality right now, and 'WE' will get through this together because we are the strong ones.

Hugs, SS xoxo

Offline Strongcurrent

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Hi Sparklestar
Read your post and just wanting to offer support.

I didn't want a divorce
I didn't want to lose  my house
I didn't want any of this to happen

I am not in the UK but UKs and blondie can probably offer the best advice.

All I know is that it was better once ExH come and took his gear.  It was like a cleansing .  I always thought I would lose my house but I got a good lawyer.  I have my house, I have my superannuation secured (pension?) and I now have a future to look forward to.

So seek legal advice, don't do nothing, do what is smart for you and your future. 
I have accepted that my H as vanished for good - he simply not in his right mind - its all maddness - salvage what you can.

Take care
SC x
« Last Edit: June 30, 2017, 08:21:17 PM by Strongcurrent »

Offline Blondie

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One of the first things I did Sparkles, when H left, was to change ownership of the house to 'Tenants in Common' and not joint ownership. I did this within approx a month of H going. I was partly being petty, if anything happened to me I didn't want H to automatically get my share of house and move mad OW in. I also made a will and made sure he'd get nothing of mine. I was angry and bitter but I think it made me feel like I had (at least) *some* control. I think we have to be ruthless, which is hard to do when you love someone.
Together 23 years, Married 18 years at BD
M 49, H 49
D17
D14
1st BD April 2014 (EA probably PA) left OW May 2014, came back home June 2014, 2nd BD August 2014. Lived with OW1 for 2 years, now with OW2 (half his age).

Offline Savoir Faire

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MLC is the gift that just keeps on giving. 

I often wonder why we wait for them to come through this?

It's a love game - we love them but they pretend to hate us and for no good reason. 
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online stillbaffled

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Just caught up on your thread, SS. 

I'm sorry to hear about the latest development with your MLCer. 

I would also advise legal counsel ASAP so at least you know what your options are.

I totally understand your wanting to keep your house.  I also felt that way and had to take on a 30 years mortgage to buy him out.  Sending support. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Hey all.

I really didn't know whether to post. Thank you for all that replied to my last one. I've been keeping a low profile this last week.

So today I met H, I requested we do so to talk about the solicitors letter that landed on my doorstep.  We met at a beautiful pub we've been to many times. He looked well, more than I expected, his eyes were a little odd perhaps.

We chatted, I was calm, nice. It was all a bit weird.  He seemed focused on moving forward, he wanted to 'do things properly' hence the solicitors letter, I made the point/s he should have tried to talk to me first. He said he was scared to. I said he had no need to be, that it was me, and that of course we could talk.

He wants what's legally his, I tried to counter that with what's morally right (I paid more over the years, made more effort) he was dismissive of that (but v calmly) and kept focused.

I stated that I meant my vows, would stand by them and wouldn't be the one to end them. I wouldn't file. but that if he was willing to, to lie then that was up to him. He never responded to my points but seemed focused on the fact it didn't really matter what the reason was and who filed just that, that's what people do.  He didn't seem to have any grasp of the seriousness of it all. what it meant. Very detached but always nice. Always calm. He got a little unsettled at the suggestion I could fight it and lawyers would get nasty and it would cost a lot - he still said he would defend himself (he has a solicitor so don't know quite where his heads at here).

At points we were jovial, there was banter and at one point when we seemed to have stalemated on the what he wants figure wise (nicely)- he was laughing and joking with me. The pair of us sat laughing and it was just so weird. We clearly get on, I was nice to him, he to me but yet it felt like I was nothing to him, just someone he knew. No real connection to who I was i.e. his wife.

I did say that the person I knew, loved and married would not have done the things he had and were seemingly attempting to do and that what did he compromise to be able to do the things he has.... no answers (all of this was said very calmly and nicely). 

He said at one point that a couple we knew were breaking up and I said that's really sad and that people should really work on things - he agreed!

He referenced how marriages break down all the time - quoted a statistic of how many marriages fail, I corrected him and said ours didn't fail, he walked out on it. No response.

It was so, so weird. a meeting where we both chatted, caught up, where he stated he wants to move forward and continue this divorce but I said I didn't.

OW was hardly mentioned - he kept well off subject and only when he said to me that we can communicate now I said I felt uncomfortable knowing that someone could be reading what I sent and I didn't understand why he would have showed anyone my rev letter. He said he didn't know how she did either. I said she must have, I don't know if she looks at your phone or emails or whatever its none of my business but its not cool. He looked quite dismissive of her and said she must have seen his email.

The only other reference was when he said mentioned if I stopped buying designer bags I would have more money (we were talking about finances and having enough money etc) and I said 'that's rich coming from you, buying your gf mulberry bags' and he said he hadn't that 'that wasn't true' (referring to her social media post) I gave her some money towards it. He seemed to want to keep way off of her - no 'she's the one' stuff there.

It was left that he would write to me with a figure of what he wants and we would try and work things forward ourselves at this point.... I have just been made redundant so I need some breathing space and requested he just hold off the legal sh*t for now. He said he would.

So, now I feel very strange. I'm not sure he's MLC. He seemed ok, normal, unbelievably detached granted and like I was just someone he knew and that was very hard but I was calm, funny, detached as much as I could have been. It seemed crazy that we chatted and caught up yet we are in this situ?

He doesn't blame me, there's no 'my life is $h!te' he seems ok, he said he's fed up with his work and that its all changed but didn't seem angry, so I am struggling with the MLC thing?  He's the calmest MLCr ever if he is so I worry I'm wrong, maybe he is just an abandoning husband? Or is he just in major denial?

Sorry if that's long and garbled but feeling a bit all over the place with it frankly....


Offline LongWayHome

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My H seems like that too, but he hasn't pursued divorce.  When he moved out, he was so calm and detached about it.  He gave me a lot of the 'these things happen', 'it's not anyone's fault' type things, and was only a monster once or twice.  So sometimes I think maybe he just wants out, but the behavior is so unlike my H, that it keeps me thinking MLC.  The behavior is just so weird, like twilight zone.
Together 15 yrs, Married 13
Me 40, H 42
3 kids between us (none together but raised together-ish)
SD19, D18, SS15
BD 3/4/2017
H leased apartment with cousin 4/3/2017 (1 year lease)

Offline 1phoenix

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Sparkle

You have every right to be all over the place.  This is your husband and your marriage. Sorry, but it is not other woman it is a mistress and adultery.  Label it for what it truly is.   

I cannot begin to imagine how painful and confusing that conversation had to be. Have a hard time believing that he is not as confused and hurt as you are now.  Truly think that they put on a good show.   

Remember vanisher = coward/avoider.  Your choice to make it easy or hard.  Please always remember that YOU will need to look at yourself in the mirror the rest of your life...make your choices and decisions ones that you will always accept and be good with.  One moment of feeling good does not always mean it will feel good forever. Sending great big hugs and a shoulder

1P
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline Busy_Bee

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Sparkle,
They truly the masters of compartmentalization.
Maybe he was brainwashed by OW...
You need to let go of that man...a zombie .."unbelievably detached, granted"..no emotions. He is dead inside.
He was calm and not argumentative because he wants things to be done quickly. He wants out and you have to comply. Sorry, there is nothing you can do. Your H has made his decision ( in reply :)). We all know what it means.

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Busy Bee, you mean give up?

Thanks 1p and LWH.


Online stillbaffled

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SS - sorry that you are dealing with this. 

I well remember when my MLCer came to the house 2 months after BD to meet with me to "divide" things up.  He sat at our dining room table like he was conducting some sort of business deal with a salesperson he didn't even know.  It was so bizarre.  Like you, I was calm and I had a list of things we needed to cover.  He had already initiated the divorce.  I have not been in his presence and talked directly to him since then.  That was in late February of 2016. 

I do think they start out being calm and agreeable because they just want it over quick. 

I also think that as things drag on they become less cooperative and downright greedy. 

You have to do what you feel is best for you.  You told him you wouldn't file and that you didn't want this D.  I hope it helps that you got the opportunity to at least do that.  He will do what he's going to do.  If he's like my MLCer it won't make much difference what you do. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline CanLetGo

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You did so well Sparkle, answered him strongly and some truth darts there. I'm so sorry it went the way it did. It still doesn't mean it's not MLC and that's it, but he's obviously a wallower/vanisher, so I think it's harder to read them. I think saying oh, splitting up is normal, everyone does is script. Hang in there, can only try your best to GAL, live the best happiest life you can for you Soarkle. Hugs x
« Last Edit: July 07, 2017, 06:55:44 PM by CanLetGo »
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline And breathe

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SS.. I don't post often...but do still read as it still gives e comfort

Your conversation sound so like one I had with my soon to be XH last weekend.

He monstered at the beginning May 2016 but is so calm, assured (apart from couple of moments).

We are close to a financial settlement...

He wants to sel the house, divorce...I DONT but really no choice.

We talked last week, we can talk so calmly, have a joke etc but yes he has totally detached from me and it is all too weird.

He has said he will file for D after 24/07 (sons 18th birthday) his solicitor has asked if I was paying half filing fee??

I told H face to face, his divorce, what he wants and money well spent for him, why would I want to pay half of something I dont want?

His response " I never wanted a divorce"!!!

So I said "Why are you getting one then?"

No response to that....

We where having this conversation whilst I was weeding (for the umteenth time) the garden , he actually said " The one thing I miss about here is the peace and quiet" I'm on a busy  road!!! ...

I had no words to that...  (YOUR CHOICE H ) UNBELIEVABLE came to mind...

I do not want to sell...do not know where I'll be living with Son and he comes out with that?

I also said to him "You have not once told me why all this is happening"

His response : He was not happy

He went to brush this conversation off and said " I dont wnat to lay blame"

I responded assertively " I need to have this conversation"

I told him I had given the marriage 110%.. stood by him through thick and thin even when he gave me cause not to I had always seen the core person within him.

Again..no response ( I did not have any expectation of a response ... really what can he say?)

I just need to have my say as I see the finality drawing every closer.

Sorry if I have hijacked ... just wanted to share ... as many of us we are all going all this path ... some starting the journey.. some further along

Hugs xxx












Offline Still Half full

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SS I'm so sorry that your H has done this, totally spineless

I'm in the UK and when my MLC first ran I went to see a solicitor, she was great at reassuring me that I was in a good place financially, so I suggest you see someone as quickly as possible, it does help if you feel a bit more secure legally and financially

My solicitor also understood it was MLC and after checking that I was legally quite secure she advised me not to do anything for a bit, that was 2 years ago and nothing has changed

She also advised me to try to do everything as amicably as possible, she said that going through the courts is always a risk because you don't know what the judge's views are, and in UK courts in can come down to if the judge you see hates his wife it could colour his view, that was just a warning scenario, but she did recommend mediation when I was ready

She also gave me some comfort about the alternatives to losing my home, so I think the sooner you get legal advice the better

Your meeting with H is bound to unsettle you, especially when you're able to get along well. I think some people are able to compartmentalise better than others, I agree with Busy Bee that they just want an easy life, but I don't think that means give up, I think that means don't antagonise because it won't get you anywhere, if you can keep things light and pleasant the MLC has less ammunition to blame you

I remember saying to my H that it sounded like someone was dripping poison into his ear, he knew exactly what I meant, if they are only confiding in OW she is able to manipulate things, this really rubbed up my H the wrong way and he shouted that he would never let OW speak badly of me, that seemed really weird. I think the MLC is so lost that they are influenced by the person they're speaking to at that time. If you can keep communication with you H light and non confrontational you might be able to influence him more ?? But what do I know, I'm not having a MLC thankfully 😊

I'm sorry you're going through this x
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Mae

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Not much more to add from me Sparkle.

So he's gone from replay rapper to brisk businessman? That is another reason to see he is so messed up but you are just fine.

You handled that beautifully Sparkle, and now that it's out of the way you can move on. I felt so much better when I had removed myself from my H's life. We are back together it's true but from a healing point of view it was necessary to untangle me from him as much as possible in every way I could.

I hope you are doing ok.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Bb,SB, CLG, AB, SHF thank you all.

You know what, I AM proud of myself. There aren't many who would be so restrained. I'm doing it for me. My power, my feeling good, my resolve, my determination to handle myself with dignity and grace. NOW I FEEL BADASS!

I didn't mention that earlier that morning I was told my job was gone - redundancy looms in a month. That's 11 years in my current employer and so another huge change. A scary one.  So that meeting with H was even harder.

It's funny because when you anticipate bad things or worry about things when they happen you end up in a way sensing relief because well the anticipation is always torture. Sometimes maybe life forces the hand to break a cycle or change something?

It would be easy to now face what next with fear, with worry? Resist, fight, be bitter. But instead I desire to be excited, maybe nervous but know that I am strong, I am a good person, I deserve something amazing now. And why shouldn't I have it. I really now than ever before want to focus on me.

I used to pride myself in being strong and resilient and driven that's what I want to try and recapture. If I've done it before I can do it again.

I'm done with going over and over what happens, why, analysing it to death, the whys the wherefores what matters now is handling the now and looking forward to the future.

I know what I want, I think many of us do. The goal is to start having some fun or feeling good and seeing what comes. THATS my goal. Ok if I cycle down then I know I have cycled up before and will continue to do so.

If I can feel good for 5 minutes great. I can again. That 5 minutes will become and hour. Even better and that hour will lead to several and grow and grow. I'm just going to trust now, and set my self a goal for the next 30 days that I will attempt to let go, thinknof positive things, be grateful and trust the tools I need to feel good will come.

That's my challenge, that's my focus.

Sparkles

Offline 1phoenix

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Great use of the law of attraction!
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline No expectations

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Hi Sparkle,

You are definitely moving forward into something good, for you!  No matter what the future holds, you are the only person that can and should be responsible for your happiness.  And you're so right, sometimes it's only five minutes at a time, but then we can add to it, stretch it out, and keep extending those happy moments.

I wish you the strength and resilience that you are looking for in yourself.  And I know you will get there!
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Online stillbaffled

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You're sounding great considering you were told your job is done.  With your attitude you'll find a new one in due time.  Keep up the good work, SS. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Tyks

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Sparkles, you are an inspriation and you do deserve something amazing and there is no reason why you shouldnt have it !!

I really do hate the "everything happens for a reason" especially bc that is one of the things h said so much after bd. But in reality there is truth to it. We just dont know the reason yet. Hopefully we all find out soon :)
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline Mae

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Yes I agree your positive attitude and your courage to face the future with excitement and hope is key, you will be fine Sparkle and I look forward to your posts.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Offline Dumbfounded

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I lost you Sparkles... need to catch up
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline UKStander

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Sparkle, I'm sorry I've not dropped by your thread sooner, as I am in the UK, of course!, and very recently (last week!) was finally divorced completely - so I may be able to offer some help and definitely support. I've been where you are, I think, in the early days when H first managed to get the word 'divorce' to cross his lips (it was almost a whisper). 

I understand completely your desire to keep your home - I was the same. We put a lot of work into our homes and when this mlc thing hits, they become our rock.

I'll just list some features of my long road to D, as I don't know which of them may be of help to you. Please feel free to PM me if you want more info privately.

- my H forewarned me (in a PS to a letter he sent when he moved in with OW in 2014) that his plan to split the finances would 'probably be followed by a divorce'. See how he was still keeping his emergency exit open at that stage? I ignored...

- later, his intentions were reluctantly made official by me - mainly because financial circumstances forced me to draw a line financially . . . .  I had to initiate the legal process. I think he was mainly 'separating' because he was running out of money and wanted to do a 'table top' agreement only. But, eventually, I was frazzled by living in limbo for 3/4 years, so I actually took the bull by the horns myself and initiated the D process.

- at times, he seemed to want money in instalments. I suspect, with hindsight, this is because he didn't want to take the whole lot off me, in case, again, OW didn't work out and perhaps he wanted to return. Not sure, but this seems possible.My solicitors said paying him over a long period was not advisable (can't remember why). Everyone was urging me to 'draw a line under it'. So I did. I don't regret that. Because we know there's no predicting when and if he and OW will crumble. 

- he threatened me if I didn't go along with giving him 'half the house'. This was back in 2013, I think. I think when they threaten, they do mean it. Not because they want to hurt us, but if they don't get their way, their world falls apart. They are, after all, holding everything together by a few strands.

- I spent a lot of solicitor fees preparing for the worst. I needn't have. By and large he kept to his initial word, and he got half the house profits at a fair valuation. He could have pushed for more (one estate agent valued it higher) but he didn't.

-  Doing the divorce did, at least, put me in control, and I think that was better than receiving letters from HIS solicitor all the time. Almost nothing unpleasant came through my letter box - I know others have had horrible experiences.

- I managed to buy him out of the house  - it's my rock and S19 needs it too, for now - so I made that trade-off. It still hurts that I've had to pay off the guilty party (H) but that's divorce law for you. It needs an overhaul. I got the Decree Absolute just last week, the whole process has taken 2 years, which is ridiculous and caused mainly by solicitors taking holidays, me dragging my feet (because my heart wasn't in it) and H's solicitor RE-WRITING the whole Consent Order at one stage because they felt it could be better worded. The courts took four months to APPROVE the order that H and I had both signed. That is chronic.

So what am I trying to say is, much as we don't want the divorce, it's sometimes best to take control and do it when you can see that the spouse is one of those who NEEDS to break completely free in order to feel they've escaped their past, and then realise the loss of all they had. Read 'Surprised by Love' - a true story about an American couple who divorced and later reunited - to see that even divorce is not always the end, and you need not fear it completely  (though financially it's horrible).

I left some seeds of friendship with my H, and said to him during one of our last meetings: look, I've heard these things (i.e. new life with OW) don't always work out so well. 'If you ever can't find a friend, I'm here for you - but only if SHE is not in the picture.'  He said nothing in reply. I hope he took it on board. He has few friends and seems to hang out with OW's crowd all the time. He will, as our S says, be very lost one day - and quite possibly, eventually, homeless.

I think now, if I could do it all again, I would have made him face up to the question much earlier. As far as I can see a strong, clear-sighted spouse who is ready to lose the mlc-er has a greater chance of them waking up (early on). I think if I'd have made his choice plain in the early days, it might have had more effect. And I'd have actually had to pay him less (because the house value was lower back then).

Through it all, the thing I now see as driving H's muddled thoughts and actions is that he had a vision of these awful events in his head that remained unaffected by ANYTHING I said or did. Like Stayed's husband once wrote, it was like 'being in a movie' for the mlc-er. That's how it's been and still is. He is unfurling a movie about divorce, reel by reel. He used to vehemently hate the film Kramer v. Kramer and I never understood why - now I wonder if he hasn't anticipated this ending to the film of his life since the day we got married....  :(

In other words, there's sometimes no stopping them. Sending you strength and a hug.
 


« Last Edit: October 07, 2017, 03:29:07 AM by UKStander »
BD June 2011
Affair discovered; three moves out and three attempts at return during 2012, culminating in "I'm not coming back" statement. Then DIY separation agreement - Feb 14 - which I wouldn't sign. He moved in with OW in 10/14 and I heard little more. I instigated D in 2016.  He's still living in rental with OW and her D but the cracks are starting to appear.

Online Treasur

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So I find myself in ‘limbo’ not because I’m waiting but because I’m ‘in between.’  I didn’t want or expect to be where I am. I have been placed in a situation that was unwanted, unexpected, uncertain and unplanned. I don’t know what’s next, none of us do at any point in our lives really. All I do know is that I am experiencing grief. With a side order of betrayal and hurt. I’m trying not to get caught up in the ‘race’ to be healed. It’s ok to not be ok. If I have learned anything from all this it’s to do the very opposite of what our MLC spouses do and that’s to face the pain, the grief and all those demons that lurk inside. I know that my healing will be all the stronger for it.

I cycle. I have good days and bad. There’s not really a day where I don’t think about all this. It’s always there lurking just sometimes I’m more detached from it than others. On occasion I am still utterly shocked at what’s happened and the ‘did this really happen.’ But bombs do damage. So it’s expected, its normal and I’m ok with that though sometimes I wish away the pain so badly in an ‘eternal sunshine of a spotless mind’ kind of way.

I have found that learning as much as I can, gaining understanding has helped me a lot. I need to understand as much as possible ‘why’  I want to share a lot of that on this thread so I can refer back but also because I know it’s helped others to. I have a good IC, I have a friend who is a clinical psychologist that also knew my H a little. It’s been valuable insight.

I do the whole ‘is it MLC’ thing again and again. A Vanisher that looks ok and seems to be functioning well is sometimes hard to imagine in MLC. But for those of you who know my threads, that ‘Vanisher’ appears to have gone back to being a lad - young friends, stereo typical bimbo OW, perma tan, gym addiction, sports car, cocaine – he even filmed himself rapping. So he’s pretty stereotypical / textbook. It’s just because I haven’t seen a wallowy, clingy, dishevelled mess of a man (yet) that I doubt it is MLC. That and the fact he seems to be settled and just living his new life. So the questions circle around my mind ‘was it an exit affair’ ‘did he just get bored’ ‘is he happy in his new life’ ‘what did I miss’ ‘was I awful’ and then I remember that upping and leaving your life, without one word of there being an issue isn’t normal. That the way he started to behave wasn’t normal (for him). That the person that exists now is quite different to the one I knew and married and that’s verified by family and friends. So when I add together some if the insight into ‘what causes MLC in terms of personality and upbringing’ and what I have seen happen – he’s a prime MLC candidate and he’s so far graduating with honours.

Yet sometimes I even doubt the entire thing.


I know that things have changed in your situation throwing up some new challenges, SS. I don't know if this is still how you feel but it's a perfect snapshot of where I am right now.

I think dealing with a disappearing spouse and silence mostly does save us from some of the crazy Monster spew. But maybe it also makes it harder to trust our instinct or judgement about MLC. I doubt it too sometimes and as more time passes, I begin to forget who my H was before this 'new normal' or what normal life was like. Usually then I get a helpful 'gift from the universe' - my STBXH does something weird, or a friend tells a story and stops to shake their head wondering aloud how the person they knew could do this, or I find a note or a photo or hear a piece of music.

My doubt is more about my helplessness, I think, not about MLC. This is not the man I lived with for 18 years. It just isn't. Not loving me doesn't require the level of destruction he has wrought in his own life - friends, interests, home, car, money, health. The only thing he has 'kept' from 20 years is his job. Everything and everyone else has been traded in for a life on medication enabled by psychiatrists, OW and new friends who didn't know him before. He destroyed everything that he treasured most and every anchor. I am amazing, but even I'm not arrogant enough to believe that my absence from his life would rewrite his personality or require him to erase every bit of the last 20 years! I suppose, in the end, you judge something by its' fruits...and if it quacks like an MLC duck, chances are that is what it is. It doesn't change the current realities but maybe trusting that helps us to know that it wasn't our fault and we couldn't save someone we love from it.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Treasur

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How are you doing, Sparkle?

I've gone through your posts from the beginning and some of the similarities are OMG..I'm uk based too, BD and D abut 6 month earlier than you...STBXH in City job too, and cocaine. New life seems to be a mixture of replacing me and borrowing her life plus OW trying to turn herself into me...

Big difference...you got arrested, I got anonymous death threats! Oh, and we were together for 18 years, married for 12 at BD. Otherwise reading your posts was like reading my thoughts/life
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir Faire

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Hi Sparkle,

Don't worry that your H doesn't look like a homeless person yet.  My H looked good at the beginning too as he was doing the work-out at the gym thing and finally looking after himself. 

I haven't seen him for a couple of years now but last time I did (It's been over four years since BD), he was looking old, had stopped the gym stuff (I think) and had a full beard which made him look very old.

Eventually they all look a lot older than they are - the change in brain chemistry has a devastating effect.

Hope you are doing OK.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UKStander

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Sparkle. Support still here and waiting for you when you return. Hugs. Strength. Hoping things are OK....  Keep the faith - LBS's can and do survive everything.
BD June 2011
Affair discovered; three moves out and three attempts at return during 2012, culminating in "I'm not coming back" statement. Then DIY separation agreement - Feb 14 - which I wouldn't sign. He moved in with OW in 10/14 and I heard little more. I instigated D in 2016.  He's still living in rental with OW and her D but the cracks are starting to appear.

Offline serenity

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Just to let everyone know and reassure you sparkle is doing really well and is very happy in a new life. I’m sure she won’t mind me saying that she’s totally moved on.

I have told her you’ve been enquiring after her and she said she’ll update at some point. She’s been so busy enjoying herself that she’s not had the time to post.

X


Offline No expectations

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Thanks for the update, Serenity.  How wonderful that she is doing so well!
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Well Hi there - if there is anyone still there that is  :)

So It's been a year since I updated my thread and I have just passed the 2 years since BD. I have thought about this forum and coming back and updating for so long but I just didn't want to, I had to let the overanalysing of MLC and all the crazy go, it was painful to keep reliving it over and over and to be honest I found myself on a different path to the one that I expected. So where to begin...

When I last updated I had been hit with an unexpected Divorce - papers that landed on my doorstep unannounced in late Spring 2017 filed under my unreasonable behaviour (my then H had offered to accept Adultery and file with that but I ignored it and instead he filed under my unreasonable behaviour which was a sick joke). Despite the advice here and what many others have done I wasn't going to be a victim of this and let the end of my marriage go down in history as being my fault so I filed instead with adultery as the reason he couldn't dispute it because at the same time I discovered that the OW was of course pregnant. I kind of always knew it would happen - that was her way to finally trap him.

So most of last year and this year was fraught fighting a very bitter divorce battle. My H went for as much as he could, I shouldn't have been surprised based on what you read here but I truly was and his and his solicitors behaviour was disgraceful. At the end of course there was a social media outpouring from OW as to how the 'Divorce' was finally over and I was no longer part of 'her' family - she made it all about herself of course deluded as always. Yet nit a word from him not that I follow anything he does thats something I learned ages ago - STOP LOOKING!!!!

Anyway the divorce was finalised in May the same week as my wedding anniversary which was weird. 

In this whole time I have never had a word from my H he stayed true to his cowardly vanisher ways since entering MLC... But there is a twist in all this. For so long I was in the dark as to the true nature of this MLC and this is partly why I wanted to come back and update. I doubted and wondered so much about it all and whether he could truly have lost his mind as so many do. I was aware of replay activity and some cocaine use but again I wondered whether I had overthought it - maybe it wasn't as bad as people made out and maybe it wasn't really MLC. This doubt plagued me for so long until earlier this year when I began to learn more...  One of his best friends girlfriends reached out to me and asked to meet me - we had been friends but hadn't really been in contact since H left, what she told me stunned me.

She basically confirmed how awful the OW actually was, self centred and deluded a car crash of an individual. H's friends were under no illusion that what he had done to me and to our marriage was wrong and that they all thought he was in some kind of MLC (they don't know the true extent of MLC). She confirmed that both his and the OW's behaviour was erratic - for example she had got hold of his phone and sent pictures of her boobs to his friends WhatsApp group (they have a lads chat thread) and he kept sending pics of himself out drinking and doing cocaine and even of himself with other girls (OW wouldn't have known). My friend also confirmed that his cocaine use had escalated and in late 2017 a couple of his friends wanted to stage an intervention as he had gone off the rails (bear in mind this was at the time when he broke down to another if my friends and said he had fire trucked his life up) but it got left as the majority wanted to 'stay out of it.' She also confirmed that when he had to tell his friends that OW was pregnant they were all shocked and horrified and he said to them that it was 'ok, it didn't mean he had to stay longterm and he could always leave when the kid was a bit older' I mean who says that....

The most important thing that she said to me was that don't for a second think they are happy - his body language speaks volumes he is always away from her, she is always trying to cling on to him and that he isn't happy. He's just drinking, doing drugs and she lets him and states what cool girlfriend she is for letting him do what he wants. Then I had another person reach out to me she had heard about what had happened and she was an ex colleague of OW - she told me how OW was known for going after married men and that she had tried it with 2 of their work colleagues - both married with children and even pregnant wives. She really is a nasty piece of work.

Anyway the baby was born in February so the surprise divorce timed perfectly for when they would have found out she was expecting. In the height if the divorce he ended up leaving his job as his employer wanted to sue him for fraudulent behaviour and while thats wine away now and he appears to have set up a business or be working again who knows what he gets up to now. He got a lot of money from me and thats been hard especially because I now know that he bought a large house although thats with his parents so they are all moving in together (I dodged a bullet there).

But there is a further twist. While all of the above was going on back in the summer last year suprisingly I met someone. I was THE LAST person to think that would happen. I was a steadfast stander, I empathised and excused my Hs behaviour like the best LBS and would get angry at the suggestion that I might meet someone else. No way, not me, I was loyal until the end and then quite accepting of never meeting anyone again. But then in a twist of fate I met an amazing man who I am still with. He's younger than me not that you would know but he is kind, mature and just lovely to me. I was cautious, v cautious and to a degree I don't think I will ever look at a relationship in the same way again - because I have learnt that you can never really be sure of what may happen and that life chucks you curve balls but here we are a year later and we are still together and literally it feels as though he was sent to me at the right time because he has been an incredible support through all of this. I was adamant I didn't want or need anyone and yet here I am.

So how do I feel about my now ex husband? Its a strange one. I wouldn't want him back, he is someone I don't know. My H basically died a few years ago and I have no positive feeling for the person that exists now. I don't know if I believe he will ever 'resurface' like its said they do. In MLC terms its still early days, its only been 2 years from BD who knows what's next for him. I get moments of sadness, I do feel anger at what he did, the hurt stays with you but it never gets in the way if what I have now. I still process, I still get affected when I hear something about them. I never check up on them, I haven't seen Facebook etc in over a year I don't care what they do. I do find out bits now and again from well meaning friends fro eg I did find out she copies me still and it irritates me but again I try and let it go with a 'whatever.' attitude.

But it is hard because as long as he is with OW it still feels like I don't have my vindication, She still thinks that she is the cat that got the cream - she thinks she has won him. And I know what we say on here ' we are the prize' etc but I don't know if I ever really bought in to that. I still struggle with her thinking she's won. I would still like that knock on the door for my H to admit he made a mistake, I do want that however daft that sounds. But what would my response be? I don't know. Part of me thinks that door would be slammed firmly shut in his face. Part of me is still intrigued as to what went to wrong in his head to do what he did. Part of me knows that a messed up H of old on my doorstep would pull at a heartstrings not in a romantic sense but in a compassionate way. I do know now that I would never take him back, I just don't feel that way and I am happy with someone else. Maybe I will get to be that LBS that doesn't reconcile because SHE's moved on. Maybe I will always carry the tinge of sadness of what once was, what got destroyed. When I recall memories they are always from years ago, never the most recent version of my H. But yet at the same time those memories are trashed. I don't look back with a 'ah they were great times' feeling because rightly or wrongly I can't cherish them because they were trashed when MLC happened.

So thats my journey so far. I am still in my home, I changed jobs and I am mostly happy now. I'm not fully healed yet and I wouldn't expect to be these things take time. BUT for any newbie here or anyone still standing and struggling - please, please go live A life. There is nothing you can do to change or stop this. I still don't understand it or how a flip ca switch seemingly overnight. I still want answers and need to understand but also have to make peace with the fact that I might never know. Cowardice may keep my H away forever or maybe he will end up happy in another life - it matters not because MY LIFE is not reliant on what HE does. I truly believe there are multiple paths to happiness. I shock myself with how faithful to the cause I was in the early days - I wish I had let go sooner and not been so patient or understanding. I followed this LBS 'rules' to the T then thought no, I'm taking charge if this now. So my XH probably doesn't think there is a door open for him, I am probably not a safe familiar place for him to come back to but I don't care.

Anyway, I've waffled for ages.... Its a very high level overview if my last year but I hope its been useful....Thank you SO much to those that stopped by to ask after me. It's kind of nice to be back and say hi :)

Sparkles x


Offline Not Your Monkey

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It's nice to have you back. I've often thought about you and wondered what had happened.
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline barbiedoll

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Welcome back!  I see you are moving along and ahead and it really is good that you have met a great guy. It is still shocking , but onward we go in life and accept the things that we simply cannot change ...no matter what.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline CanLetGo

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Sparkle! Good to hear from you, have been wondering how you are! Ah, the MLC script, I know it’s not rote...but i understand so much of your position from the LBS side of things. My D was within days of my wedding anniversary too! I never thought I would get over this, stop standing etc...but have and am seeing someone lovely too...a whole new world...not first choice of course, as in we didn’t just say oh well, that’s that then, moving right along...but how heartening to know happiness again after the pain and grief we have endured. Meanwhile, the MLCers still have chaos. Very sad. Wishing you ongoing happiness Sparkle, once again glad you checked in, so good to know you are doing well 😊
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline 1trouble

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Sparkle

Just saw your update before I go to work....I am another one who often wondered how you were...

I am so sorry for what you have had to go through, the divorce the baby (that particularly must have stung) but I am so happy to hear you have met someone.

You sound amazing considering the journey you have had to endure and the particularly nutty OW in your MLC'ers life...she really was and is a piece of work that's for sure..


Your feelings are so understandable though, I don't think there is any of us that do not want to hear that apology but its something we rarely get, though without it it leaves an open wound....
But what concerns me is the way you think the OW 'won'......what did she win exactly....?  and the "prize" she has got....whats that?

She has won a broken depressed coke addict to be blunt...she has won someone who doesnt care about her, doesnt love her and feels trapped.

She too is a very damaged empty person who doesn't know who she is and has to get pregnant to 'keep' a man and steal other people's husbands and copy other people's lives and tastes.....

(BTW don't be surprised if she doesn't go out on the prowl again soon for someone else's husband....the 'excitement' of her 'victory' will soon wear off believe me..)

I wont lie I too have had moments where I have felt the same, my MLC'er married OW in July....

But when I saw the wedding photos I felt sorry for him because he looks so lost...she hasn't 'won' anything but a broken man and I could see that...….he even sent me a happy birthday text last week so I know I am never far from his thoughts....
So the OW in my story.....thinks she has won....but she is already bored and trying to cause drama in other ways and like your OW will also go on the prowl soon for someone else......these relationships are toxic and we are best away from them ...even thinking about them..

I know you believe in energy and these feelings and thoughts toward the OW and believing she has 'won' are not doing you any good....try (I know its hard, but it is possible) not to think anything about her.....it will unravel and her day of reckoning will arrive...……….

Someone on here reminded me of the inadvertant energy I could be sending their way and also the negative energy field I could be getting from them....and I really dont want that! I have moments where it gets to me but I am learning fast not to even 'go there' and I quickly switch off any thoughts or feelings because I want all energy for me and only positive energy at that

I really wish you every happiness and thank you for coming back and updating us x
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Online Treasur

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Thank you for taking the time to come back and share.
Funny how the universe pops up with information isn't it? And I'm pleased that things are going well for you.

I guess ow - who is obviously a car crash of a human - probably does think she has won.
But her win is a cocaine-using, unfaithful man child who De facto got fired for fraud, whose friends think he's a disastrous mess and who is already planning to leave her with a child.
This is no prize at all.
Like you my xh was a vanisher and the divorce was insane...and like 1t my xh married ow...but I have often wondered if god protected me from even worse by removing him as opposed to my feeling of losing my h.
Yup, none of this is a normal end to a m and it leaves questions and damage that is hard for people in RL to 'get'
But I've always seen those little unasked for windows into my xh's world as a gift, reminding me that he is an insane destructive mess, that she is disordered and that neither is about me or what I'd want in my own life and not the man I married or lived with. There is a kind of closure and reassurance in that.
And if it's MLC? I guess it's their path and time will tell, but other than maybe delayed vindication, once we shut the door it no longer matters to us what happens to them does it?
I hope you enjoy your good sane life from here and that with time you can reclaim some of your good memories too.
« Last Edit: September 11, 2018, 12:10:24 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline serenity

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Hello Sparkle,

Good to see you posting. We all seem to gravitate back here whatever our outcomes. It’s our safe, comforting place.

Good to hear you’re still with your lovely chap and glad that he supports you so well.

It’s totally understandable that you’re still in pain and I believe we all are on here to varying degrees. We’ve all suffered the worst betrayal from the one person we trusted most in the world. The same person that promised to love and support us and be there for us for better or worse!

You’ve always had an amazing grip and understanding of this whole horrible mess and you’ve dealt with so much in such a short space of time. Your head must still be spinning from it all. But you’ve been strong and coped with it all.

Please never, ever think the OW has won anything other than a broken, addicted, shell of a man. A man in crisis and turmoil who doesn’t give a toss about her or his poor child. The only victim here is that poor, poor baby born to two selfish, sick people!

All this awful OW has is a man spiralling down into the abyss! Would you truly even want that Sparkle? I think not, none of us want that. We remember the lovely H’s we had for the years we were together when they were decent and whole and we had ‘real’ love with them. Not this sick, self serving relationships they now find themselves in. They are both in it for what they can get out of it.

There is every possibility he will turn up at your door one day. My H is back around yet again and trying to reconnect with our children and me. He’s destroyed his health and his life looks far from rosey. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything.

Must catch up soon and I’ll send you my new address as I moved a month ago.

Much love

X

Offline UrsaMajor

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Hi Sparkle!

Glad to see your post and that things are looking bright in your world.

Quote from: 1trouble
Your feelings are so understandable though, I don't think there is any of us that do not want to hear that apology but its something we rarely get, though without it it leaves an open wound....
But what concerns me is the way you think the OW 'won'......what did she win exactly....?  and the "prize" she has got....whats that?

She has won a broken depressed coke addict to be blunt...she has won someone who doesnt care about her, doesnt love her and feels trapped.

She too is a very damaged empty person who doesn't know who she is and has to get pregnant to 'keep' a man and steal other people's husbands and copy other people's lives and tastes.....
Quote from: Treasur
I guess ow - who is obviously a car crash of a human - probably does think she has won.
But her win is a cocaine-using, unfaithful man child who De facto got fired for fraud, whose friends think he's a disastrous mess and who is already planning to leave her with a child.
This is no prize at all.
Quote from: serenity
Please never, ever think the OW has won anything other than a broken, addicted, shell of a man. A man in crisis and turmoil who doesn’t give a toss about her or his poor child. The only victim here is that poor, poor baby born to two selfish, sick people!

All this awful OW has is a man spiraling down into the abyss! Would you truly even want that Sparkle?
These ladies said EXACTLY what I wanted to say as well....

What OW has "won" is exactly NOTHING THAT YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE!

And she is no prize either... Assuming that they (or she) even keeps the baby, he's going to dump her later and she's probably going to be on the prowl for her next victim before long...

You, on the other hand, are going to be the LBS - Living Better Sparkle!
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Thanks for the update Sparkle.

I agree with all the others. OW has won the booby prize for sure. Just what every good woman wants, someone who will say out loud to his friends that he doesn't have to stick around for too long.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Ahhhh Goner, Barbiedoll, Cantletgo, 1T, Treasur, Serenity, Ursa, DF - thank you and Good to see you all.

As always you ALL make valid points and I do get it I really do I guess its just the case that I get stuck with the - how on earth did he think that OW and that life was a better option - how did he want her more than me? I guess its the idea that I was disposable, he didn't want me and that whats still hard. Rejection sucks. But you are also right in that no I don't want the version of him that now exists, I don't even want a new one because he's changed forever and I have moved on. yet that still doesn't make the rejection any less?  I'm definitely stuck on this bit arghhhhh!

Of course OW tells it her way - the day of the divorce declaring on Social media how wonderful he was, how desperately unhappy he was and how he realised that when he met her and how they fell in love. Even I know how much bullcrap that is and she seems to have conveniently ignored the colossal amount of evidence to counter that which was visible until days before he left on our social media accounts which she studied closely but its just the fact she thinks its this fairytale that winds me up. I guess it is funny in a way but also so riling! and a couple of comments like 'people don't leave if they are happy' a trickier one to answer but then we know MLCrs aren't happy they just dont realise why necessarily.

Anyways you are so right - taking the attention off OW and not giving any energy is the right thing to do and that feels like the final part for me. I never look at anything she does its just knowing the odd tit bit always evokes the same feelings and theres always the 'what ifs' that make me wobble. What if they are actually happy, what if they have a great life now. I mean he has bought a whopping house and has moved his parents in as well (they are paying for a lot of it) that doesn't exactly scream I'm leaving this situation soon.

I am proud of myself though, I mean I'm astonished that I have navigated the storm as well as I did. I SUFFERED early on, I really do see with hindsight how rough I had it with the aggravated and complex situation I found myself in but I kept going and I've learnt I have strength I didn't know I have and that in a way gives you confidence in yourself, in life. And Im actually grateful in many ways because I have so much of me back. Like Treasur mentioned I wonder if H was removed from my life so that I could achieve more happiness in the long run. The world moves in mysterious ways and what felt like a curse can end up being a blessing. My mantra - trust the process...

and now I need to go and catch-up with your threads - I'd love to know what others are up to - has there been any returns or big things happen? Any more insight in to MLC or the minds of MLCrs  - What have I missed?

Sparkles x

Offline FaithWalker

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Glad to read an update SS.  He and his OW sound like major messes.  I agree with everyone else, she didn't win anything, but I understand why you might feel that way.

I'm betting that relationship will implode and I hope that you come back and share with us when it does.

But it also warms my heart to hear about you and what you are up to in your new life and R.  (((HUGS)))
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Savoir Faire

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Thanks for the update Sparkles, always good to read we are all going through the same thing, just at different times.

As far as any reconciliations, there are a few - have a look at the light purple threads, gives us all hope.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Happy New Year everyone, I’m still popping in occasionally, commenting here and there but I thought I’d come and update my thread with a wonderful bit of news I got today.

So guess who’s ex husband got caught on Tinder by their gf (the OW) yep you guessed it mine. Apparently he tried to get out of it by saying a friend must have set it up for a joke  ;D. Firstly, based on their background and the whole situation with cheating/adulterous relationships etc not likely that anyone of his mates would think that was a wise thing to do esp as he now has a child. Secondly, as far as I know (and I have no clue about tinder really) you either have to be on the app as yourself, a fake profile or use a special paid for website to check if someone is on there OR you are snooping on their phone to see if the app is there - either way hardly screams trust from the OW - she’s obviously checking up on him. And if it was the app on his phone she saw - not exactly likely a friend would have got his phone to download the app and set it up so either way seems a bit fishy!!!

But in true batsh*t crazy fashion the OW took to her Instagram to tell everyone about it but not to berate him but to say how funny it all was that one of his friends would do that - amazing. The crazy continues. It’s also worth noting that pre MLC the absolute last place in the world my ex would ever subscribe to was Tinder!!! Anyways it’s astonishing to hear these titbits come back to me by mutual connections. Thought it was worth sharing!


Online Treasur

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Good lord...you really can't conceive of people wanting to live like this can you? Well not over the age of 18 anyway....just more WTF reminders of how crazy the crazy train really is while we LBS are imagining something more like the best of our marriages perhaps when we have been replaced for a new better happy. Whatever they run to, these snippets show it isn't that is it?  ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir Faire

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I wouldn't think a 'friend' did this to him.  The ow obviously doesn't trust him.  Big cracks appearing  in his life' let's watch him self destruct!!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline barbiedoll

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Well you sure would not want to "win" what she has won ! He just continues to spiral deeper into crazy and he is now HER problem!  Can you even imagine still being caught up in all that insane behavior and drama? NO thanks! Enjoy your freedom from MLC hell ...looks like he is far from "cooked" .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Oh he’s far from ‘cooked’ he does quite a good job of trying to demonstrate to the world that all is great, he’s started a new company with colleagues, bought a huge renovation project (with the help form his mummy and daddy who he’s moving in with the OW and their baby - no separate dwelling they are in the main house all together (sounds like hell on earth) yet crazy stuff like being caught on Tinder is still happening. I don’t know how long ‘replay’ goes on for but it’s aporoaching 2.5 years...

He’s no prize!

Offline Savoir Faire

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Replay takes as long as it takes Sparkle, mine's been at it for over five years and no sign of it ending anytime soon ::)

He isn't a prize and you are, so keep living your life with love and integrity.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Sparkle,

I think I saw a picture of your xH recently....



He's on Tinder, his GF (OW) is snooping on him (or she is also on Tinder and saw his profile) and he says that "someone must have set him up as a joke"

Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Dumbfounded

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LB is going on three years of replay with no sign of slowing down.  LB is no prize either.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Oh my goodness Ursa that reply made me laugh so much!!!  I think for some reason (probably something I read somewhere I thought replay was about 2 years? I guess I view it all like a kind of science project - it’s fascinating to see if the stages play out but with the benefit of having a vanisher  so without too much of any drama.

Definitely, definitely not a prize!

Offline KeepItTogether

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....with the help from mummy and daddy who he’s moving in with the OW and their baby - no separate dwelling they are in the main house all together 


Hmmmmmmm. What could possibly go wrong in this scenario?  ;)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Ha ha ha KIT  ;D

Yep sounds heavenly doesn’t it  ??? ???

Offline KeepItTogether

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Yes, it could make those Tinder dates a tad awkward, what with your parents, baby and [IN]significant other, in the next room eh?
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Treasur

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Yes, it could make those Tinder dates a tad awkward, what with your parents, baby and [IN]significant other, in the next room eh?

Or maybe it is a package deal...like a Tinder Family swipe  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Oh god I can’t stop laughing! Treasur, KIT that’s too funny! Oh god it sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? What an absolute car crash!

Offline Dumbfounded

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You guys are cracking me up!! A Tinder Family. These men are a hot mess.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Savoir Faire

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Sparkle, replay is usually from 2-7 years, so he may have a way to go.  MLC is as long as it is, no shorter and certainly not fast.

Hope the Tinder family are doing well. ::)

Great if they have adjoining rooms with his parents,  a squeaky bed ans a screaming baby ;D  Bliss,..........
« Last Edit: January 21, 2019, 03:21:17 AM by Savoir Faire »
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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I’m pretty certain there won’t be many bed posts squeaking he always had issue in that department so in a way this is his perfect excuse - his parents being across the hallway!

I think at the moment they aren’t living together at all as the house is being renovated, he is away working (playing away on Tinder) and his parents are still waiting to sell their house I believe OW is with her mum. Who knows who cares all sounds a bit crazy to me!

Thanks for the clarification on replay 2-7 years wow! Well that sounds exhausting! Glad I’m not around to watch that!

Offline Savoir Faire

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Very lucky to be away from any replay behaviour Sparkle, way too many thing to do with our own lives to worry about the rubbish they carry on with ::)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Hello there,

I’m in a funk. I don’t really know why, I’d had quite a long time not really dwelling too much on all this MLC stuff. I don’t even know what I’m writing really I just know I’m in a funk.

It will be a year since the divorce was made final next month yet also my 10 year wedding anniversary. We were married and divorced in the same week only 9 years apart. I haven’t an update on my MLCr I haven’t a clue what goes on in his world our paths don’t cross and he is a true vanisher.

Maybe it’s because after all the activity of the BD, the crazy whirlwind of MLC and then getting through the divorce, it all drifts in to the past and time ticks along in what feels like a ‘lull.’ I know there are long times where there is no activity and while I’m thankful not to be experiencing a clinger or wallowing type it does create this nothingness.

Or maybe what’s sparked off this funk is that I have been finishing so many of the odd jobs that got left around the house we had renovated together. Or the fact that I was recently made redundant (again) and in a way feel angry with my MLCr about it - like that (false) security of having your husband that lessens the worry was taken away from me. We were partnership he was supposed to have my back, if he hadn’t of left then it wouldn’t have mattered so much if I lost my job because there is someone sharing the load.

And yet why do I care? I have moved on. I have been with someone else for over a year and a half, we are fine (we don’t live together and have a bit of a long distance relationship but see each other every week). I’m not waiting for my MLCr to return. I am in a way waiting for his relationship with OW to go bang (hoping) still, stupid I know.

And yet I also know I am probably expecting too much of myself to be totally over all the trauma that I experienced 2 1/2 years ago. I know it takes time. And I went long periods without thinking about it all much, yet lately it’s bothering me? And weirdly I started seeing ‘signs’ everywhere - his name everywhere (like car number plates) which may seem airy fairy but it’s always intrigued me. I even found a couple of cards from my exH that weren’t written long before BD and it’s just so odd to see those words, that sentiment and ironically in one he talked of ‘everything is always ok in the end’ and I just feel disbelief at this situ all over again. It’s like this stuff has come back to haunt me.

I also question my gut feeling. From the day he left at BD I was steadfast on that not being ‘it’ I just felt  that there was more to this story (that I hadn’t heard the last of him) even though I had moved on. That feeling lasted for so long but I just assumed that I was wrong.

And so recently I find myself on here more. Mostly observing, reading, commenting on the odd thread. My mind genuinely feels a bit frazzled and I feel like I’ve almost gone a bit backwards. I guess stuff has been stired up with the things going on but it’s caught me off guard.

So I don’t know, I guess I’m journaling....

Online Treasur

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A lot of us know that funk feeling, sparkle.
Of course you know it passes....but we go through a truly surreal experience, often one that RL folks can't comprehend. Seeing someone we knew and loved do things that we never imagined they could. Things that have nothing to do with getting divorced even. All while dealing with the practical fallout on our lives. And with usually very little sense of closure other than what we make for ourselves particularly with a vanisher or if we choose not to look or have contact.

I think the funk comes when we are safe enough and free enough from the crisis to feel the things we couldn't cope with earlier tbh. Our brain parked it and then it comes out later. Actually the funk feelings are a sign of your progress imho. Quickly re-reading your story, your xh is pretty textbook and acquired the standard MLC trappings pretty quickly - drugs, disordered ow with a bad history, debt probably, ob.....rationally this mix is unlikely to work out well in the longer term as you know. But this stuff IS surreal and it does turn a lot of our assumptions about life upside down. We probably live in a kind of survival mode for a couple of years, I guess, until we are ready to start shuffling around the pieces and find our new sense of normal. Lots of us here at the 3 year ish mark seem to be in the same process, so if nothing else, please be reassured that your funk is normal and healthy.  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Yep, what Treasur said....

Someone (BusyBee?)  was talking about how, arounf the 3-4 year mark, replay activities seem to loose their luster for the Mid-Lifer....

And a lot of us that are turning the 3 to 4 year corner are also in a bit of a ... fog? funk? thinky mode?  Maybe it is really the beginning of the final coming to terms with the whole pile 'o' poo that we have been dealing with for a while... Regardless, it is the situation that we find ourselves in at the moment....

Like everything else, it is something that we all seem to go through, chew on a bit, and then grow forward ..... So, this too shall pass... maybe like a kidney stone but it will pass....
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline Tyks

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Hey sparkles. Sorry you are in a funk. It still happens to me as well (pretty much same timeline as you) but it last for less and less time.

The whole situation is surreal. I honestly don't know how you have kept sane through this ordeal. Your mlcer is crazy, having a bay and all. Keep your chin up and focus on your new life. That's about all you can do.
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Treasur, Ursa, Tyks,

Thank you, those are reassuring words indeed. Just to know it’s normal to be feeling this way is a relief I was starting to worry about why it’s getting to me again. Once the crazy is over and the distractions less intense you are left to deal with the emotions and thoughts you had avoided for a while. I do tend to fight on with a brave face all the while underneath that’s not quite the story at the moment. I don’t want to feel like I’m failing for not feeling totally ‘over it’ or still wondering about it and get on with it or be feeling a bit defeated nearly 3 years down the line. But you are right normal real life folks just don’t get it.

I think while there is some acknowledgment that my exH had a personality transplant over night I do find people just kind of accept it as is and don’t really think too deeply about it or maybe assume he was always that person underneath yet I’m not stupid, I know he wasn’t. But this new norm of his just seems to be widely accepted. Well I don’t know details again it’s assumed.

It’s also hard to just carry on with life when there’s this whole ‘big bang’ abnormal situation that you have experienced. We didn’t just break up, we didn’t just get divorced. I absolutely don’t have a sense of closure in a way.

And so the whole ‘was it me’ ‘was it ever MLC’ thinking starts again. And in a way does it even matter we are as we are. If he had died it really would have been easier. These thoughts really do plague me.

I wonder if there is a timeframe around the LBS and like Ursa said a point at which final acceptance of the situation kicks in. I guess it’s significant with my situation being ‘done’ (divorced) and feeling like a year on that maybe it should be consigned to history but for some reason or another it’s seeming hard  to do at the moment....

And I thought I was ‘done’ and through it  :-\


Offline UrsaMajor

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We are "done" and indifferent when we are... Not before... This is 100% dependant on our own healing and growth. This is a process by which we move onwards with our lives and come to terms with the fallout of what has happened to us...
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Yep, I am almost at that 3 year mark too. I am not dating and my H is not quite a vanisher. Just a runner than insists on taking his S to school every am so I get that 1 minute contact on school days.  Most days I am fine. But some days, my heart feels like it is going to explode in sadness.

But this am I had to be the adult (as usual) vis-a-vis our S12. And it felt good. And for the first time in 3 years, I knew I was going to be fine without H. Not saying this feeling will last. But I definitely wouldn't have felt this way 3 years ago.

I agree with Treasur in that the funk comes at a point when we are moving forward. I think we absolutely parked many of our more uncomfortable feelings in a safe place b/c we too went into crisis mode.  How could we not? And we were/are in a fog too in a sense.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I get it. We all do. Just because time has passed or we have a new person in our lives, doesn't mean we are by any means "over it all." B/c this particular "all" was A LOT! Hugs,
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online stillbaffled

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I'm in year 4 and I have noticed that I seem to have "turned a corner" on this whole moving on and past this nightmare. 

I guess, as UM says, we eventually get to the final coming to terms with dealing with this whole pile 'o' poo! 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Dumbfounded

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What Treasur and UM said. I am just here for moral support. We heal when we heal...sometimes bits of the hurt have to be put away for later, until we are ready to grieve that piece of the mess. Healing takes a long time. It is a process. Remember mountains are not created without earthquakes. (Hugs)
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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So I thought I would come and do an update on my thread as it’s been a while but then when you have a vanisher what is there to report?!

I’ll start with me. 3 years on now and well, while I have been in a relationship for 2 years now (something I was fiercely against I might add) and am happy, I still carry a great sadness around. The disbelief and hurt are still there and I am still bothered that MLCr and OW are together and despite whatever crazy I have learnt about in the past they seem settled and mostly ‘normal.’ I know we don’t get to see the ‘truth’ through social media etc (and I rarely look) but the picture painted is of a happy one. Weirdly it’s all been house reno’s which was a huge part of my and my exes life towards the end and his and OW house looks remarkably like mine - same style etc. And she seems to continue to dress like me and I can only think she’s still watching what I’m doing. Honestly it’s like yep I have that outfit and that one and that one....?

I would say that MLCrs  ‘shark eyes’ seem to have lessened and he does write positive comments now like ‘my little family’ (they have a child) or ‘my girl’ referring to her where he never once would and I thought that was telling... they live with my exes parents together in the new house (I still think that’s crazy and odd) they didn’t live together until about a year ago with the in-laws moving in earlier this year but overall they seem settled annoyingly. Yes I heard that he is still out all the time, still taking drugs, he had been caught on Tinder a while back but you wouldn’t know anything was wrong now. He certainly doesn’t look as rough as he did though he has definitely aged. I can’t say whether he is still very different as I don’t hear very much at all and I never speak to him with him being a vanisher.

And it all makes me feel a bit crap tbh. I’m 3 years in, shouldn’t be bothered what they are doing but the feeling of being ‘erased’ is really hard to deal with. It really has made me question it all and maybe he is happier now, maybe he is out of MLC and just getting on with life now - like all the crazy before seems irrelevant. And her, once deemed the nut job, must be bearable? Maybe she wasn’t as nutty as people made out? Honestly it all messes with your head.

I do also realise that with a new child it’s much harder to walk away even if things were awful there, though he once told his friends he could always leave when the baby gets older..? And I guess because they all live together with his parents it’s again harder to ‘blow up’ your life (though it never stopped him before).

Should I care about any of this? Probably not. Should it matter to my journey probably not but it’s still the hardest part for me. I know that MLC takes a long time, that undoubtedly there are long periods where nothing happens and that shouldn’t matter either - I’ve essentially moved on BUT and this is something being discussed over on other threads inc the vanisher thread, for me knowing (whether from the MLCr directly or via a 3rd party) that my ex regrets blowing up his life and has real remorse would still make a difference to my healing. Simply knowing that he and OW were no longer together would be a massive sigh of relief and this is the bit I remain stuck on.

I’m not sure we will ever get over the trauma of it all. I even in a way feel like I haven’t the capacity to live again as fully as I once did. I was robbed of that and I think a part of me will always remain cold or shut away but maybe time will change that.

Weirdly if I see a picture of my ex now I kind of feel nothing, I don't even know if I would be attracted to him if I met him now yet there’s still a lot of feeling for an H I once knew and that’s very confusing.

I wonder why lately it’s all bothering me again so much, I guess it’s a combination of the distraction of a new relationship starting to settle down (see the Limerence thing is really real) and the fact H and OW seem ok still gets to me. Like questioning yourself all over again. And I kind of find myself going back and reading resources, watching vids on limerence on how affairs happen all stuff I did 3 years ago. It’s like my mind is still trying to make sense of it. I’m even doubting MLC again and thinking was it an exit affair?

Anyway, 3 years in, 3 years not just surviving but living, I haven’t sat around and I have tried to move on I would say I’m still haunted by it all and am very much aware of it all in the back ground it kind of pops up for a while and then I won’t care again for a while, it’s cyclical I guess.

 :)


Online xyzcf

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sparlestar, thank you for coming and expressing yourself. I find when reading the threads, that many LBSers question what is wrong with them? Why aren't they over this yet? (yet being relative....in my case it has been 10 years and although I am well, I am not over "it" and doubt I ever will be.)

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while I have been in a relationship for 2 years now (something I was fiercely against I might add) and am happy, I still carry a great sadness around. The disbelief and hurt are still there

I have heard other LBSers say the same. We don't replace one love with another and having another person in our life will not necessarily make us "happier" than if we choose not to.



Quote
And it all makes me feel a bit crap tbh. I’m 3 years in, shouldn’t be bothered what they are doing but the feeling of being ‘erased’ is really hard to deal with. It really has made me question it all and maybe he is happier now, maybe he is out of MLC and just getting on with life now - like all the crazy before seems irrelevant. And her, once deemed the nut job, must be bearable? Maybe she wasn’t as nutty as people made out? Honestly it all messes with your head
.

You are PERFECTLY NORMAL! We never got an explanation as to what the heck happened? Never had a chance to make it better...they were gone long before they let us know that they were done.....it seems impossible that they could not have known or given us some opportunity to work on our marriage..they just checked out.

How does one ever resolve that? Accept it, yes but it will continue to haunt us for it was never what we wanted, never what we expected.

Quote
I’m not sure we will ever get over the trauma of it all. I even in a way feel like I haven’t the capacity to live again as fully as I once did. I was robbed of that and I think a part of me will always remain cold or shut away but maybe time will change that. It’s like my mind is still trying to make sense of it. I’m even doubting MLC again and thinking was it an exit affair?

I am not the same person....I have had therapy and have built a great life...but I feel as though I am only a shadow of who I used to be.

Quote
Anyway, 3 years in, 3 years not just surviving but living, I haven’t sat around and I have tried to move on I would say I’m still haunted by it all and am very much aware of it all in the back ground it kind of pops up for a while and then I won’t care again for a while, it’s cyclical I guess.

Our brains store memories, they do not disappear and are brought back into our conscience in many ways...not really under our control really....

I am glad that you feel that you are living, moving forward and discovering a different life. That is what we all have to do...accept and move forward.

The betrayal of not only ending our marriage but also having another woman in their lives cuts deeply..had it not happened to me, I doubt I would ever really understand what it feels like. It is at a primordial level, deeper than I can inflitrate. It damaged me in ways that I cannot even measure....it will always cause a trauma for me.

I just read a book for my book club, fiction called An American Marriage. For most of the members in my bookclub, they will just read it and discuss it and I suspect most all will really be happy with the ending (as has been the case previously regarding the topic of infidelity).

I will stay silent. I saw the book through a much different lens than I would have before BD. People don't understand.

You take care. One thing that "comforts" me, I would still much rather be the LBSer than the MLCer.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Thank you XY,

I think first and foremost just hearing words along the lines of ‘you are normal / how you feel is normal’ is so reassuring. I think it’s possible to feel a little bit of pressure after a certain amount of time if you don’t feel as far forward as perhaps you should. Like if you keep thinking back, keep questioning or haven’t quite got past occasionally wondering what the MLCr is doing etc. I almost think of it as little relapses.

It’s interesting to know that you too don’t feel like quite the same person. There’s an innocence that’s robbed from us when we go through this and I’m not sure you can ever be quite the same again.

Offline Tyks

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Sparkles, xy said everything much better than I ever could. I am in the same boat. One day I think I'm over it and the next I'm like wtf? I haven't been standing still either, I have been living quite well, but something is still missing.

Regarding the new relationship, I am glad that you are happy and I get how it is not the same. Speaking from my own experience, I felt like something was missing always. So many different things in this new relationship than my marriage and yet I continued with it. I thought I was happy but I was not. For me, when I am truly healed (not gotten over it) I can have a new relationship. For now I just want to be. It took me a long time to realize that.

I am glad you are well. We have pretty much the same timeline and most of what you said rings true with me.
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline UrsaMajor

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It’s interesting to know that you too don’t feel like quite the same person. There’s an innocence that’s robbed from us when we go through this and I’m not sure you can ever be quite the same again.

We CAN'T be the same person we were before hand... the experiences we have "gained" force us to change... Besides, if we were the "same" as we were back then, we'd have NOT learned anything from all the wonderful <sarcasm>  experience we've had rammed down our throats... That doesn't mean that we need to be cynical or jaded or bitter but we are, by the dint of self-preservation, more cautious or attuned to things... One could call them triggers in some ways...
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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