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Author Topic: My Story Journey continues for sparklestar - life with a vanisher 4 'let go and let god'


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I think this is a great first post on your third thread SS. It shows a lot of reflection and growth and how far you have come already. And you are right, nobody chooses this path willingly, but the opportunities for growth are amazing and sometimes I have to be grateful for that even as I hate having to go through so much pain to get through to the other side. The other side however is worth it.

As for OW.....boy has she hit the jackpot with Replay Rapper and all that gushing about how great and wonderful he is, well that's a comedy act right there. It should have had you in TEARS......of laughter of course. I'm glad you were able to get some perspective on it.

Like you I hated having my H away for the night in my old life and now my own time and space is what I will miss the most when he comes back.

Cheering you along SS.
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Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

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  • One day at a time. And time is my friend.

You sound so good.  You've really come a long way in a short time.   We all do grow through this, don't we.  That's the risk our MLC'ERS take, they expect us to wait on a shelf somewhere in case they want to come back,  but we continue to grow.

As far as standing  vs not, I have read over and over here that standing is for us, until we can feel strong enough and healed enough to make a decision.  Even then, standers can decide they've been through enough,  and move on. 

So in the meantime,  keep doing what you're doing,  live for Sparkle.   Continue to grow and heal.  We're all here,  cheering you on!
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Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

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Attaching for your journey!
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M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

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  • Live like they are never coming back

Now, please give me a bit of slack today as, for some unknown reason, I haven't slept so poorly since ABD as I did last night... UGH! Not a full moon so that isn't it...

The gushing gooey professions of Schmoopieness make me wanna but, in going with the "Leaky Bucket" theory of MLC/Narcissism, it fits as the OW/OM is fulfilling the Mid-Lifers need for external validation....

That whole "You complete me" nonsense is also -worthy... If one is not a complete person, then no firetrucking person int he world is going to fill that void for long... They can cover it over for a while but, itn the end, it's like trying to cover a sucking black hole of emptiness... At some point, they too will get sucked into the Event horizon, get chewed up, squashed, discombubalated, destroyed and spit out ...

Finally, on the humorous side, because of different terminology / cultures, I have to giggle every time I read someone talking about being a Stander... or not.... In German, a "stander" is a slang term for  ... uhmmmmmm ... well.... uhh..... you know....  :o
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Me - 56
xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 9
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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I agree 100% with you and everyone else. 

Perfect MLC relationship.  She has her daddy back and he gets the adoration he needs to feel like the Knight in Shining Armor.
Now what on earth could go wrong there?   ;D

I agree with UM's "puke's"  ::)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Ha ha that's why I wanted to share OWs post because it perfectly demonstrates the daddy issues, the external validation an OP gives an MLCr and the delusion of their circumstance. As painful as it was to see and the fact it did cause me to wobble and the paranoid part of my brain still wobbles thinking it's all 'walk of into the sunset' for them,  I can see it for what it is.

I actually think it's pretty sick and twisted. She's clearly linking being abandoned by a father to feeling whole again by a boyfriend - that's gross!

The really ironic part is that my h is NOT good at being supportive. So either it's a major personality transplant or she is seeing him just being there, being passive and laid back, saying the right words as supportive? He must be lapping up the attention but at the same time it all sounds very claustrophobic and smothering.

If he felt trapped before surely reading that will make him freak! It's pretty clear where her heads at.

And UM not sure what the weathers like in Germany but it's absolutely boiling here and I think everyone is struggling to sleep....
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Sparkles, reading what your H's OW posted has given me one of the biggest laughs since I joined this site.  She really is deranged and reminds me of my H's OW1 who constantly posted happy FB selfies and tagged H all the time. I blocked the pair of them and came off FB but mutual friends would be so aghast that they'd tell me stuff anyway, even though I preferred not to know.

She would constantly proclaim how much she loved him, what a great Stepdad he was to her children, how supportive they were of each other, what an evil wife I was! One of my H's lifelong friends said it was like OW1 was her and H's PA!

Omg, it's just pathetic, your H's OW is pathetic, what simpering rubbish from an actual grown-up and his 💜 as a reply comes across as 'help, how do I respond'!! I bet he is really embarrassed.... as he should be!!
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Together 23 years, Married 18 years at BD
M 49, H 49
1st BD April 2014 (EA probably PA) left OW May 2014, came back home June 2014, 2nd BD August 2014. Lived with OW1 for 2 years, now with OW2 (half his age).

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I'm really glad that others can see what a ridiculous statement that was from OW. It's not just me that thinks it.... (look who's seeking validation now)  ;)

I'm thankful for being handed that piece of information as much as it riled me.  I've had to use every last bit of willpower not to respond BELIEVE me I have wanted to but I won't. I won't give that delusional idiot one smidgen off my energy and I have promised myself from day one that I will never be the 'terrible wife' I'm so sure she wants to believe I am. I hope my silence makes them both uneasy. Part of me thinks maybe H thinks he's got away with it because I have remained silent but I am not fuelling that fire in any way shape or form.

My sister sent me this today, it helps describe narcissism which is such a feature in MLC

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Following Sparle. Ugh, OW post ridiculous. Good on you for processing it and getting on with things. I understand what you say about being less stressed about things, I have learned that too, and not sure I would have without MLC. Also your thoughts on standing - we are just being for now, and that's ok. Take care, love your thread and your writing Sparkle, that you are just a lovely person leaps off the page x
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Me 46
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

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Ah what a lovely thing to say CLG :)

I think we really do have to stand back, count our blessings and realise the utter nonsense that most of this all is. These MLCrs are broken in one form or another pure and simple.
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