Author Topic: My Story Journey continues for sparklestar - life with a vanisher 4 'let go and let god'  (Read 7111 times)

Online xyzcf

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sparlestar, thank you for coming and expressing yourself. I find when reading the threads, that many LBSers question what is wrong with them? Why aren't they over this yet? (yet being relative....in my case it has been 10 years and although I am well, I am not over "it" and doubt I ever will be.)

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while I have been in a relationship for 2 years now (something I was fiercely against I might add) and am happy, I still carry a great sadness around. The disbelief and hurt are still there

I have heard other LBSers say the same. We don't replace one love with another and having another person in our life will not necessarily make us "happier" than if we choose not to.



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And it all makes me feel a bit crap tbh. I’m 3 years in, shouldn’t be bothered what they are doing but the feeling of being ‘erased’ is really hard to deal with. It really has made me question it all and maybe he is happier now, maybe he is out of MLC and just getting on with life now - like all the crazy before seems irrelevant. And her, once deemed the nut job, must be bearable? Maybe she wasn’t as nutty as people made out? Honestly it all messes with your head
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You are PERFECTLY NORMAL! We never got an explanation as to what the heck happened? Never had a chance to make it better...they were gone long before they let us know that they were done.....it seems impossible that they could not have known or given us some opportunity to work on our marriage..they just checked out.

How does one ever resolve that? Accept it, yes but it will continue to haunt us for it was never what we wanted, never what we expected.

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I’m not sure we will ever get over the trauma of it all. I even in a way feel like I haven’t the capacity to live again as fully as I once did. I was robbed of that and I think a part of me will always remain cold or shut away but maybe time will change that. It’s like my mind is still trying to make sense of it. I’m even doubting MLC again and thinking was it an exit affair?

I am not the same person....I have had therapy and have built a great life...but I feel as though I am only a shadow of who I used to be.

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Anyway, 3 years in, 3 years not just surviving but living, I haven’t sat around and I have tried to move on I would say I’m still haunted by it all and am very much aware of it all in the back ground it kind of pops up for a while and then I won’t care again for a while, it’s cyclical I guess.

Our brains store memories, they do not disappear and are brought back into our conscience in many ways...not really under our control really....

I am glad that you feel that you are living, moving forward and discovering a different life. That is what we all have to do...accept and move forward.

The betrayal of not only ending our marriage but also having another woman in their lives cuts deeply..had it not happened to me, I doubt I would ever really understand what it feels like. It is at a primordial level, deeper than I can inflitrate. It damaged me in ways that I cannot even measure....it will always cause a trauma for me.

I just read a book for my book club, fiction called An American Marriage. For most of the members in my bookclub, they will just read it and discuss it and I suspect most all will really be happy with the ending (as has been the case previously regarding the topic of infidelity).

I will stay silent. I saw the book through a much different lens than I would have before BD. People don't understand.

You take care. One thing that "comforts" me, I would still much rather be the LBSer than the MLCer.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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Thank you XY,

I think first and foremost just hearing words along the lines of ‘you are normal / how you feel is normal’ is so reassuring. I think it’s possible to feel a little bit of pressure after a certain amount of time if you don’t feel as far forward as perhaps you should. Like if you keep thinking back, keep questioning or haven’t quite got past occasionally wondering what the MLCr is doing etc. I almost think of it as little relapses.

It’s interesting to know that you too don’t feel like quite the same person. There’s an innocence that’s robbed from us when we go through this and I’m not sure you can ever be quite the same again.

Offline Tyks

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Sparkles, xy said everything much better than I ever could. I am in the same boat. One day I think I'm over it and the next I'm like wtf? I haven't been standing still either, I have been living quite well, but something is still missing.

Regarding the new relationship, I am glad that you are happy and I get how it is not the same. Speaking from my own experience, I felt like something was missing always. So many different things in this new relationship than my marriage and yet I continued with it. I thought I was happy but I was not. For me, when I am truly healed (not gotten over it) I can have a new relationship. For now I just want to be. It took me a long time to realize that.

I am glad you are well. We have pretty much the same timeline and most of what you said rings true with me.
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Online UrsaMajor

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It’s interesting to know that you too don’t feel like quite the same person. There’s an innocence that’s robbed from us when we go through this and I’m not sure you can ever be quite the same again.

We CAN'T be the same person we were before hand... the experiences we have "gained" force us to change... Besides, if we were the "same" as we were back then, we'd have NOT learned anything from all the wonderful <sarcasm>  experience we've had rammed down our throats... That doesn't mean that we need to be cynical or jaded or bitter but we are, by the dint of self-preservation, more cautious or attuned to things... One could call them triggers in some ways...
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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