Author Topic: My Story Journey continues for sparklestar - life with a vanisher 4 'let go and let god'  (Read 7109 times)

Offline FaithWalker

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Hi SS...I saw your question to me on DF's thread, so I figured I would come here and post the link for you.  Velika shared it on her thread and I realized I bookmarked it back in the fall after reading it then.

I think the blogger condensed some information found here at our site, but it really is a helpful article.

http://whatismidlifecrisis.blogspot.com/2013/07/signs-of-depression-in-mlc.html
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Never say never

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SS, I am following along on your journey, though a bit late.  I just read through it all.  My, oh, my, those OWs are really something, aren't they?  They sure are a piece of work.

But you sound like you are doing well.  I say well because you, like me, have your moments of ups and downs, but in reality, the down times are okay.  That is when God is giving us strength to get through this and to realize that this journey is about us ... not our spouses.

As far as the articles from HB regarding the children of the Mid-lifer and the deeper issues.  Those are incredibly well-written articles which mirror my husband to a T.  I have absolute proof that my husband has such serious abandonment issues and is reliving his past, using me as his punching bag.

I have posted before that my husband has come out in a couple of different ages.  When he is about six or seven, he asks for spaghettios and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  He looks right through when he does this.  He is not nasty, but sad ... very sad.

When he is a teenager, he punches holes in the walls and yells that no one was there for him growing up, watching his baseball games, supporting him, making sure he went to college, blah, blah, blah.  That is when he looks at me and I am frightened at what I see. 

I posted all of this early on in my thread.  I don't mean to highjack, but it is very important, I think, to shed some light on these "children."  I have said it before and I'll say it again.  I think my husband has two OW in his life.  He has used me as the mom he hates and he has used OW as the mom he wished he had.

He takes out his anger on me for his abandonment.  OW gives him the nurturing, comfort, love he never received as a child.  I don't think his relationship meant to become sexual.  It was a nourishing relationship to give him the childhood he never had.  By it turning sexual (if it has ... no proof ... but, duh) that made it more complicated because he now is sleeping with his mother in his mind.

I know ... cray-cray. 

I just wanted to let you know I have read her articles and they are all very on-point.  You are really doing so well, SS.  Thanks, also, for following along with me on my journey.  Hugs

Offline UKStander

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Hi Sparkle

Wow that post from your OW was crazy indeed. Like you, I was struck by her teen-like idolisation of your H and that she is definitely 'staking her claim'.   :P   Also that he 'completes me'. Oh YUK, YUK, YUK. Silly fool, she is. This will never happen. I can't wait for the shallowness of what they're sharing to be revealed and for it all to fall apart. Roll on Rock Bottom, say I !!   :)

Keep your chin up and head held high. She's food chain hamburger, and you're fillet steak.   :)
BD June 2011
Affair discovered; three moves out and three attempts at return during 2012, culminating in "I'm not coming back" statement. Then DIY separation agreement - Feb 14 - which I wouldn't sign. He moved in with OW in 10/14 and I heard little more. I instigated D in 2016.  He's still living in rental with OW and her D but the cracks are starting to appear.

Offline sparklestarTopic starter

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I didn't want my next update to be such a negative one. But it is.

This morning the letter I feared would land on the doorstep did. It was From a solicitor stating my H wants a divorce. He's willing to let me petition on the grounds of adultery with an unnamed party (conditional) and he will pay the fees. He wants his share of our house. If I disagree he will petition on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour (not stated as to what that unreasonable behaviour is) and I will he responsible for costs.

It's basically blackmail.

Tomorrow he goes to one of our friends weddings with her. The irony.

He didn't even have the decency to try and discuss this with me. A bolt from the blue. That's vanisher cowardice for you.

He asked to meet a friend of mine a few weeks ago we don't know why but my friend didn't respond (he also didn't tell me about it which caused a bit of upset but that's by the by) That friend was the one he spoke to back in December when he looked like he was full of regret and had made a mistake. My friend, feeling bad about ignoring my Hs text ended up calling my H 2 nights ago (which I wish he hadn't but never mind) my H mentioned nothing of this, he must have literally just been to the solicitors in the days before. My H and friend chatted and my H suggested a drink next week possibly out of politeness because my guess is his original reason for contacting my friend was to try and soften the blow of all this. Again utterly spineless. He would try and use my friend to levy what he was planning - im stunned.

So now I'm obviously shocked, very hurt and confused as of what to do.

In the U.K. You can defend a divorce petition. If I refuse and let him lie and file on unreasonable behaviour I can defend it but it will cost a lot and I understand that the courts don't really care and don't check the detail. That said there was a very public case a few weeks ago where an 'unreasonable behaviour' petition was successfully defended and even an appeal against that decision failed. So these cases to have an impact on future rulings I think.

Divorce will force the sale of my house. I don't want that. I have worked so hard to create it. Why should he walk away with half he did firetruck all there. My feeling is that I should not file, I should let him actually do it. If he wants his divorce I want the house signed over to me first. I have texted him to say I want to talk about this - so far nothing. The solicitors letter actually states he wants me to contact him directly to arrange collection of his stuff so I have but he may just ignore me.

So right now my situ seems pretty dire. I didn't think I would be here and I cannot believe after the sheer hell he has put me through he now acts in this utterly spineless way. I just do not recognise this person. And she (ow) must be living this which makes my blood boil.

Feeling very lost and could use some advice.  :(

Offline Blondie

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First of all Sparkles, big hugs. I firmly believe the OW/OM push this. My H left saying 'we are just separating, we don't need to get divorced'. One week later he was texting me asking for a divorce, I was in disbelief at the insensitivity (looking after two distraught Ds, and myself)! I told him 'no', too soon and we (Ds and I) need time to adjust. H would carry on emailing and texting every month or so insisting on a divorce.

I went to see a solicitor four months after he left and she said basically I couldn't stop him divorcing me. I'm in the UK and my solicitor is a woman my age (49). She's happily married with children but she said that if her husband wanted to divorce her on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, then he would be able to.

She said years ago it was harder to use this 'tactic' and that the behaviour would have to be along the lines of spousal abuse or alcoholism. The courts are apparently way more lenient and virtually anything can be seen as unreasonable behaviour.

It still took me another four months to file and I didn't name the OW (apparently the courts don't agree with the third party being 'shamed').

It's not the end though. I filed for financial reasons, fed up begging my H (on his triple figure salary) to pay child maintenance. This was April 2015 and it's only just gone through. H   delayed all the way through and if my brilliant solicitor hadn't kept pushing I'd probably be married for a long time to come. Whatever happens, I firmly believe divorce doesn't have to be the end. My H's brother actually divorced and remarried the same woman a few years later! Bonkers.

Our home was the thing I was most worried about. Because our Ds are still at school, we get to stay in the house for four years and then it's being sold and split 65/35 to me. I do hope to remortgage and buy him out in the meantime.

I wouldn't wish this crap on anyone 😔 X
Together 23 years, Married 18 years at BD
M 49, H 49
D17
D14
1st BD April 2014 (EA probably PA) left OW May 2014, came back home June 2014, 2nd BD August 2014. Lived with OW1 for 2 years, now with OW2 (half his age).

Offline No expectations

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Oh Sparkle,  I'm so very sorry that you're going through this.   I have no idea what advice to give,  other than to see your own solicitor asap.  At this point,  you do need legal counsel.

These freaking cowards.  I really hate this.
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Blondie

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They are cowards No Ex, you're right. My H's OW even started texting me telling me to accept it was over and that I needed to let divorce commence! She was the one that ended up filing my H's papers because he kept putting it off and was threatened with fines and imprisonment. She told everyone they were going to get married. Well that didn't happen because within a month of splitting up with her, he was onto OW2. I know it's all really sad but sometimes I have to laugh at the absurdity of all our situations  ::)
Together 23 years, Married 18 years at BD
M 49, H 49
D17
D14
1st BD April 2014 (EA probably PA) left OW May 2014, came back home June 2014, 2nd BD August 2014. Lived with OW1 for 2 years, now with OW2 (half his age).

Offline Dumbfounded

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I agree with NoEx. Get yourself legal representation and take care of you. In the meantime, I would write back to H's solicitor and tell him you have contacted H on such and such a date to arrange for the collection of his things and H has not responded. Put the ball right back in his court.

No doubt it is the OW pushing for a D after her social media love declaration.

((Hugs)) I am sorry this is happening to you.  Just cowardly the way these MLCers trash their lives and let the OW run them around in circles.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline CallingHeart

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Quote
He's willing to let me petition on the grounds of adultery with an unnamed party (conditional) and he will pay the fees. He wants his share of our house. If I disagree he will petition on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour (not stated as to what that unreasonable behaviour is) and I will he responsible for costs.

Hi Sparklestar
Please get yourself legal advice before you proceed with your H.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking that either option above is going to result in:
1) an unwanted D for you and
2) him getting "his share" of the house :(

The only thing he is offering is for him to pay the costs and who knows:
1) whether he really would follow through
2) whether he might have to pay them anyway if he files for unreasonable behavior

Are there any other financial assets to consider?  would he owe you alimony / cost of living expenses?
If not, then shoot - let him petition! 
That way he owns the work of the D you don't want, and you're not going to just jump up and do what he wants you to do.
His letter sounded controlling, but it's probably his solicitor's way of handling things to be less costly.

Definitely seek legal help.  Your solicitor can advise how to handle everything. 
Perhaps there is benefit in you filing vs him.  Either way, it just SUX!!

Sorry this is happening to you. 
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.

It's no longer all about MLC!  
Pfffffffftttt !

Offline FaithWalker

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I'm so sorry ss.  I agree, take the letter to your solicitor.
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

 

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