Author Topic: My Story "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne  (Read 8522 times)

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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My Story "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« on: July 02, 2017, 07:29:24 PM »
Link to previous thread:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8608.0

Well I've been busy for a couple weeks and come back to find my thread gone...hummm  :o ::)

Well time for an update I suppose....

Today I has been quite a day...XW nephew blessed his baby today and personally called and invited me to participate. So I went. Their family basically was late and missed the event. I was sad and stunned. Afterward the meetings was a family gathering of sorts to which XW told me she wasn't going as she had something else planned, so I decided to go since she wouldn't be there. While there I spoke with FIL for a little while and he told me that later today he was being called to serve as a counselor in his ward (congregation). I found it a little strange that he never actually invited me to go to that, so I didn't. I ended up dropping the kids off at XW's and then going home. Well the kids arrived home later, and D15 came in my room and was talking and sitting by me which doesn't happen often. After a while she told me that XW went to the DR today because she had lost a baby on Friday and her hormones were still out of control. I was floored. Stunned.

D15 continued to talk to me about it as I tried to absorb what she was saying. She told me that no one else knew about it but her and I was not to say anything about it. I still am just shocked. My thoughts are all over the place...XW and I lost 2 children pre birth..and it has been very difficult to say the least. Then my thoughts went to how XW has given up her children, can't care for herself really at all....Like I am stunned.

A week or so ago, D15 called me to come and help XW with her car that was leaking antifreeze in a store parking lot. XW never said a word to me, it was crazy really. I diagnosed the problem and helped and they were on their way. The next day when she dropped the kids off at my house, she didn't drive away like she normally does, but rather stayed outside by her car doing something. A few minutes later, S18 came in asking for my help again with the car. Of course I helped again. Unreal She never said thank you or anything. It's a very strange feeling to help someone that tries to hard to acknowledge you even exist, yet still keeps coming back for help. I have heard that XW nephew and GF are moving and XW has to find somewhere to live..She looked an apartment in here in the town me and the kids live..this after telling anyone that will listen to her how much she hates this town and everything about it the last 5 years. I don't think it went anywhere as she hasn't moved yet. I think she is starting to see that the real world is really expensive and takes a lot of work. I was told she also signed up for food stamps as well. That really bothers me too..here is a woman that makes $3k+ a month, seems to travel at will, helps support some foreign alien, hasn't helped with her kids basically in 5 years, and now is receiving assistance.. just crazy. Just reading this as I type it blows my mind. 

So back to my thread title....This message is more for myself and GOD than it is for anyone else. After hearing this news, my mind raced off to the dark side where I have struggled with the thoughts that the only way I am going escape this nightmare is to end my own life.  I'm trying to convince myself to not give up on me now. I'm trying to look at all the good thats in my life and how I have been blessed by all my hard work, good choices, and staying true to being a good father and person. Somehow MLC continues to pull me in...instead of letting me go....

Another unbelievable day closer to something....

(PS if some mod that is tech savvy will link my previous thread that disappeared...that would be nice)
« Last Edit: July 02, 2017, 07:40:51 PM by xyzcf »

Offline Never say never

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2017, 07:42:56 PM »
Superman, I don't know you ... I have never followed your thread ... but I had to read this twice.  I can't believe my eyes.  Are you kidding me?  Do you really have thoughts like that?  Please, think about what you are saying.  Imagine what your kids have been through ... already.  Would you even think of putting them through something so tragic?? 

You are the only parent your kids have now.  You have a responsibility.  Yes, you have been dealt a crap hand, I know that ... we all know that ... but you have been put here for a reason.  You are the special person that needs to have the strength right now to get through this.

I know, sometimes we want to be the weak ones and have someone take care of us.  I think we all know that.  But God IS THERE WITH YOU.  When you can't walk any longer, please ask God to carry you.  He will be there with you.

Keep posting here, Superman.  We will get through this one day at a time.

Online strongFaith34

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2017, 07:51:09 PM »
You are a strong father and good role model for your kids, yes what your wife is doing hurts but there are more important relationships to worry about, one day your situation will change, you may find someone new, your kids will be grown up, married, have kids of their own and they will have you to thank for being the strong parent for them. Let your wife run around like a teenager, connect yourself with prayer and God and be less dependent on people like your wife

Online xyzcf

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2017, 07:52:36 PM »
Hi Superman,

I linked your last thread to this new one. I think that the reason it was moved was because it had reached 15 pages.

You have had a shock today...really, to have your teenage daughter tell you that your xw had lost a child.....that is really hard.

I am surprised how things can still drag us down, even years and years later. I think that the connection we had with our spouse, somehow doesn't let us completely detach...I cannot seem to be able to although I am better than I once was.

One of the things that I have thought deeply about, is that life includes suffering as well as good times. But we do take the good times without given them much thought, the sufferings we really try and avoid and it is difficult to embrace something that hurts so badly.

Today, at mass, the choir sang about the beatitudes. Matthew 5:3-10
He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

I am grateful for the times when I feel ok...when I smile, find something joyful, have peace in my life..but dealing in any way shape or form with a MLCer knocks us off our place of safety...BUT IT IS ONLY FOR A WHILE, IT IS NOT CONTINUOUS although at times it feels that way.

The best thing that I have found that works for me is to not know anything at all about his life (but then my mind still makes up crazy thoughts) but with younger children, that option is not really easy for you.

Perhaps you can start by saying no to her when she has a "problem"...she can find some other way to get her car fixed. Limiting contact has really helped me to get stronger and find more peace. But it is hard to do.

I hope you feel better after some rest. Take care Superman!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2017, 08:02:51 PM »
Superman......you've made it so far, too far to throw it all away on something as meaningless and trivial as MLC.  You are responsible for YOU and your kids.....no one else.  You've done an amazing job keeping it all together, and no, it's not fair that life has placed this burden solely on you, but you've managed and even done great things in the midst of this madness.  You need to sit back and look at all you've done.  You are the one who took charge and made sure it all got done.  We never know what our future holds, but we do know who hold our future, and that's God.  He will be your rock, so lean on Him.  Your kids need you, this world needs you.  Have faith my friend, it will see you through.

Offline ForBetterOrWorse

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #5 on: July 02, 2017, 08:26:46 PM »
Hi superman,
I am new to your thread.
I am only 9 months into this since BD but I have been in that dark place as well. I had a friend get me out of that dark spot once when he said that ending your life is a violent act against the people you would leave behind. He is right. I could not imagine me inflicting that kind of violence on my children.

What you were put through today, sucks. I can only imagine how horrible that must feel but the pain is temporary. It WILL pass. You have no control over XW. BUT you do have control over you! Clearly you have been a good father who stepped up to the plate in the middle of a horrible crisis. Your children love you and need you. Hang in there, you CAN and WILL get through this for you and your children. The hard work and good choices you have made will help you through this.
Patience - The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.
Perspective - The capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance.

My Story: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9434.0

Offline living with Hope

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #6 on: July 03, 2017, 07:41:55 AM »
Oh my!
My heart aches for you and for your daughter.   She has been through so much and for her to know navigate this too...

No words to describe this journey and how it changes/shapes all that it touches.

I am sending BIG HUGS to you all.  I wish I had something I could say to take this pain away.
Mentor - Phoenix

Online xyzcf

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #7 on: July 03, 2017, 11:52:52 AM »
How is it going today Superman?
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline in it

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #8 on: July 03, 2017, 02:32:50 PM »
I was so very sorry to read you are struggling.

Those dark thoughts are a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Please think of your children and the message it may send to them.

You are a very kind, capable, caring man.  Maybe let your kids know that you are all done helping her so if she has problems again please do not contact you and drag you into it. Have them call a garage or Triple A. I know it isn't easy to put "no" in your vocabulary but it is necessary.

No more helping with her car or anything else. You have enough on your plate.

She may be the mother of your children? She appears to be pretty ungrateful to me. Not even a thank you from her.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #9 on: July 03, 2017, 08:41:29 PM »
Thank you all for your kind words and support. A few years ago when this broke out and I caught her with the young kid..I thought that this might occur. I just never wanted to believe that this would be a real possibility or remotely have a chance of happening.  I think one of the positives in all this...is that there really isn't much more me and the kids are going to have to face. Honestly the last 5 years I think we have gone through a couple lifetimes of challenges and problems. While I am heart broken, saddened, and stunned...I'm blessed.  I think the most frustrating thing is how XW has involved D15 in this newest mess...almost making XW problem D15's problem. I can't stand that. Seriously...it was only a few months ago my amazing D15 nearly ended her life because of all of this...she is just barely starting to get her feet back on solid ground...then this....Blam....nightmare.

Here is something interesting too....funny how God's timing works...today my boss informed me that he wants to change my job again and give me more responsibility as our company is exploding. I will be now running 4 locations...the 4 locations are probably the busiest locations in the world in our industry. 3 are pretty close together that I am very familiar with and help operate already, one is about 3.5 hour drive away and is pretty busy. The change will keep me very busy. I'll have 150 employees and responsible for nearly 10 million dollars annually in revenue. 

Life continues on...keep swimming...keep surviving...keep moving forward.  I am so thankful each and everyday that I am not in XW place...I have no idea how she can live with herself and her decisions. It is crazy to see how far and fast she has fallen..with no end in sight. Its going to take me a little while to process this newest turn of events. But just like all the other things I have endured...I'm sure I will endure this too. I can't wait to see and feel the happiness that life can offer to balance out this absolute misery....


Another day closer to something.....


Offline Whyus

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #10 on: July 04, 2017, 12:00:46 AM »
A good positive post superman. You have so many things to give and to live for. You got this mate. om sure you will find your happy ending no matter if with or without your MLCer... Head up mate. One day at a time.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #11 on: July 05, 2017, 06:00:14 PM »
Quote
Another day closer to something.....
.

I have never been on your thread or read your story either, but I was touched by your despair and pain and just being in a place of wanting to end it all. It is so painfully overwhelming and hopeless when we cannot see the "something" . We cannot see the outcome or the pot of gold or just where we are going to land at the end of this journey. What is on the other side of this anguish and despair? Who will will be after all this?   I guess it is important to just "be"... someones father. That will never change .

I too have been on the brink of the deepest despair a human should feel . Twice. I nearly changed everything for generations . Because that is what it will do. My pain cannot be bigger than the lives of family, my children and my sweet little grandchildren .. and those not born yet . I am told that what I do now can affect 3 generations . What saved me the 1st time was my daughter unexpectedly coming home and calling "mamma? mamma ?... come out of the rain. Can you see it's raining mamma?". No, I did not see.. but I sure heard my name . Mamma
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #12 on: July 06, 2017, 04:39:03 PM »
Thanks again to everyone--all is welcome here. I certainly appreciate any comments, opinions, suggestions and feedback. This takes it toll on a person.

I have come to realize that this is basically one of the last real big things that the mlc can throw at me...she is now down to 2 left....when she gets remarried...and when she dies. Those two moments are the only things left to go through now. I'm guessing that the first will happen sooner than later. D15 told me the loser is scheduled to come back again the end of august. D15 is mad that he will be here for her 16th birthday. She is mad about all of this. I just hope it doesn't send her spiraling down again just as she is finding solid ground.

XW actually called me today to "ask" if she could take the kids out of town for the weekend. Since she asked I told her that would be fine. She told me the plan and where they were planning on going and would update me with the final information. I guess I can thank the divorce decree for getting that much information from her.  After I hung up D15 turned to me to tell me that its because XW wants to escape from the recent events and is having a hard time I guess. XW also mentioned she wanted to take them as she would't be able to for a while soon...what ever that means.

XW has put her child support payments in the account and not taken anything from it for a while either. Again thanks to the divorce decree or she wouldn't be doing that.

Today I had another meeting with the school district regarding S18 injury from a few months ago. They are finally going to pay all the medical expenses and re imburse me in exchange for me signing a waiver that they aren't admitting responsibility and I won't seek further action regarding the incident. It has only taken a few months to get to this point. I told the administrator, all I wanted was the situation to be made right, and since it appears they are doing that I would be happy to sign the document with no further action needed. So at least one victory for me. It's a good reminder to keep moving forward and that things will find a way to work out.

It sounds like xw did not get the apartment in this town. It kind of sounds like she might be moving in with her older sister for a while. Thats going to be a crowded mess.  SIL, her husband, a 10 year girl, 2 kids under 2...XW...and the loser??? Fruits of their actions and choices.

My new job will begin very soon. I am kind of excited about it, but with my personality of giving a 100% to everything I do, I also a little stressed and nervous too. I need to learn to deal with that better so I can create a better balance in my life.  Goals to work on I guess.

Well another day closer to something....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #13 on: July 09, 2017, 08:22:12 PM »
The kids just arrived home from their trip. D7 came running the house searching for me and jumped on me for a great big hug. I missed them tremendously. It sounds like they had a good time...did a little hiking  (southern Utah is mesmerizing), plenty of swimming, and also went to a dinosaur museum. While its painful to see XW just basically play with the kids, at least there is starting to be some sort of relationship.

Today at church I found out I was released from my calling in helping with the young men (ages 12-18). I've spent the last couple years helping these boys learn and grow. We have done many activities, camping, learned skills, performed service, accomplished our duties. This calling takes a lot of time and energy each week, so it is nice with the job change that this change came too. I wasn't sure how I was going to pull it all off. I was then asked to help teach the little children in class each week at church which is something I did before young mens and I enjoy getting to know the kids in our area.

I'm starting to find my balance a little after the horrific turn of MLC events. I realize there is nothing I can do about any of this, all I can do is focus on providing for me and the kids and keep our future heading in a good direction. It is utterly painful though to watch XW slog through her mess of a life that she is creating though. I really wish I could have more distance from it all....but until D7 gets old enough...I think I will unfortunately have to deal with the MLC vacuum and gravitational pull. One step at a time always trying to move forward. I am focused on building my business and taking full advantage of the opportunity I have...Running this segment of our business could open up some tremendous opportunity for me and my team if we can continue to grow and build it up. That is no easy task as we face direct competition, and our business was already running at near peak capacity. Maintaining that is a challenge all in its own. 

This past week a childhood friend has started a new foundation and tradition in my home town. Over the week of the 4th of July he organized a group to honor those who have served, died, fought to provide us our freedoms. He has created an even to bring the community together to honor those heroes, and our great country. The group "Follow the Flag" is flying the worlds largest flag flown between 2 canyon walls spanning the canyon. It is enormous and quite the site when you see it flying in the breeze. Very humbling experience. I took the kids the other night and listened to a serviceman tell us about his life story, war stories, and his hope for our country and people while he play beautiful patriotic music on a baby grand piano. It reminded me of when I was able to see "Patriot Tour" with team Never Quit. Just inspiring.  A week long list of events to bring the community together all done volunteer. I would like to team up and support his cause if I can.  Search it of FB "Follow the Flag" pretty awesome!

Another day is coming to and end. It's....another day closer to something.....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #14 on: July 11, 2017, 07:59:17 PM »
Today d15 called me while I was at work. She has found another dog that she really wants. I can't even pronounce it. lol She has been working me for a long time to get her a dog. I keep telling her that a dog deserves a better home that can give it full attention. I said we are never home, I work too much, and don't think its a good idea. She promised me that she would take care of the dog...feed it , clean up after it, bathe it, and everything. She then sent me pictures of the listing and dog. D15 started to tell me about the cost....$1000! for a little dog. about blew my mind. Well I told her we would talk later as I had to work. Next thing I know, D15 texts me to tell me she has negotiated $750 which includes the kennel and dog bed it has been in too. She text that we could go over and see it tomorrow if that was ok by me.  So I replied back..."You have already started negotiating without me?' and she replied yes and that the offer was pretty fair. LOL. Goodness...I have a feeling I will have a pet dog soon that I never wanted or have the time for. The kids just got home and D15 is trying to add to her case by instantly starting to clean up her room and a few other areas of the house. I have to give her credit for trying. I guess we shall see how tomorrow goes..

Another day closer to something.....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #15 on: July 27, 2017, 06:04:36 PM »
Finally a few minutes to think and breathe....lol

D15 ended buying the puppy. So far I think its been a good thing as it has given D15 reason and motivation to get up and do something instead of staying in her room all day. I read her journal the other day and it now appears that her depression is shifting into possibly an eating disorder as she wrote about feeling better and quit taking her medications, but now doesn't like the way she looks and feels about her self and wants to eat less, diet, and exercise. Normally all healthy things but in the context of this situation, I am a little concerned. Keeping a close watch on her.

XW has been talking to D15 more I guess...specifically about her problems she is having. I guess she is still having health issues and has been to the emergency room a couple of times because of excessive bleeding. Today she told D15 that she is going to be having a surgery on Monday for it. The thing I hate about this...is it seems D15 is now her confident...talking to her and only her about things going on. D15 has let a little of it out to me because I sense she needs an outlet, but its so wrong. D15 told me she wants to know (help) about things. I feel it's because D15 still feels like she can help fix her mom, and feels responsible to help her. I have simply told D15 that the things happening in XW life are a result of the choices and actions she is taking. No one can change that except XW. I simply told D15 that this is why I choose to live the way I do...I go to work, I provide, I help others, I care for my kids, and don't make decisions that shoot myself in the foot as life is already hard enough. I'm not sure how much sunk in with D15, and it worries me, but I can only live my life and D15 will make her own choices that effect her life as well. I can only hope that she makes good choices and keeps herself on a good path instead of following in her mothers footsteps....

Today I took S18 in to the dentist for his pre mission exam. I knew it was going to be rough..it was. He has a broken tooth, a couple of cavities, a root canal & crown, and lastly needs his wisdom teeth removed before they will sign off and let him go. All in all it's going to cost me $6500.  Today we took care of some of the issues, next week we will go back for the more major things, and then a week or so after that I will schedule his wisdom teeth to be removed. I remind myself that it is all worth it, because S18 on his mission will be the best thing I can help him with in is life. He will learn and grow far more than I can help him now, and he will be able to escape this nightmare for a while and have chance to root himself to a better life. I think all said and done his mission is going to cost nearly $20,000 by the time its over. Yikes!

D7  has been great. She has been busy playing with the kids in the neighborhood most of the summer. She is such a great kid. I love to watch her interact with the other kids. I'm super proud of her. I need to also start getting D7 and D15 ready for when school starts up again in a few weeks (OMG can't believe how fast time flies). D7 will be going into the 2nd grade and D15 will be going into 10th grade. S18 needs to get a job to help pay for some of these things and to keep himself busy as he won't be in school this year.

Work is super busy. Our business has completed the purchase of several other locations so we now operate 11 sites when a year ago it was 3. The parent company also announced the purchase of a chain of 25 more locations in a different region. So in a years time they have gone from 0 locations here in the states to nearly 150. Their plan is to get to 500 locations in the next 2 years!  busy busy busy.

Me....emotionally I am struggling being this close to the raging mlc fire. I have tried to turn my emotions off and I operate like a robot going about the things I have to do each day for my family and career. I really am not sure what to do or where to start to change that, so I don't change anything. I would rather focus on my kids and work than throw it all away trying to make myself feel better, or to fill this giant void I feel inside having to basically watch this nightmare play out and not being able to separate myself and children from it any further. so I simply continue on.

Another day closer to something....

Offline Watcher

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #16 on: July 28, 2017, 01:38:41 AM »
Attaching

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #17 on: July 28, 2017, 04:05:09 AM »
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Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #18 on: July 29, 2017, 07:21:35 PM »
Today D15 told me that XW told S18 and a few others that she was going to have a D&C procedure done on Monday. D15 also said that XW was thinking about telling me about it too. She told D15 that she has had one of those before after D15 was born and before D7. That was a horrible time in life. It took a year for her to start to recover from it. XW couldn't hardly get out of bed and was depressed. I really hope that she keep this silent treatment towards me going for this case. I really have no idea how to respond to it if she actually decides to tell me about it. Quite a difficult place to be in really....

I realize how far I still need to go with my emotional health. When D15 initially told me, instantly my mind went back to that point in time in our lives and I relived those feelings and emotions quite strongly. I instantly thought about our 2 kids that never made it here and are waiting in heaven for our arrival. How I'm certain those 2 angels are guarding and watching over my family......then bam...I'm hit with the opposite feelings knowing the events surrounding this most recent one. So painful.  I then dwell on the time where XW told me that S18 might not be mine....That was unbelievable as it she had said that during that depressive episode following the miscarriage. And how at BD she through that in my face again trying to stir things up. How S18 has no idea...and that I can't bring myself to say a word to him about it. So many things have gone on as a result of mental illness and depression. So painful...I only hope that one day I can close my eyes and just feel happiness...pure...simple...real...happiness. Right now wether open or closed I can not seem to escape this nightmare and the sadness that comes with it. Breaking free from that seems impossible.


PS---Watcher...Ursa...don't just attach...lol...feel free to comment. sometimes even a simple comment helps to remind me that I'm human, and not alone.

Another day closer to something.....

Offline 1phoenix

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #19 on: July 29, 2017, 07:40:30 PM »
Superman,

Of course you are human, although, being from Krypton, one may question it.  :)

Maybe try to keep your feelings in check regarding XW.  No leaning allowed!  No response necessary.  Care but keep it to yourself.

Dealing with mental health issues in persons we love and care about is exhausting.  What are you doing for you today?  Come on, share with us, what is Superman flying around doing for himself?

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline OffRoad

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #20 on: July 29, 2017, 08:25:48 PM »
Hi Superman. I have a question. Do you believe all this is really happening? I mean, is it possible that XW is just reliving the horrible experience from before, and it's not actually....real? 

I ask because I had a miscarriage many years ago, before my D20. A friend of my H asked me about it several months later, and I told her my experience, for what reason I'm not sure. The following year, she was claiming she had just had a miscarriage, but used my exact descriptions for her supposed miscarriage. It was later discovered she had never been pregnant, she was just that messed up.

I suppose what I am getting at is that either way your XW needs support, but the kind of support needed might depend on whether this is an actual experience for her (double whammy of this happening plus all the memories of the prior experience), or if she's gone back in her mind to the prior experience and is projecting that onto her current life, searching for support or an answer she never got at the time.

I don't know if I'm making sense. It's a strange feeling I have because your XW has shared so much with your D15. That seems so misplaced. D15 wouldn't know truth from fiction, and it puts her in an odd place.

I apologize if this is inappropriate. It brought back my own memories.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #21 on: July 29, 2017, 09:30:20 PM »
1phoenix- With everything that is going on between my children and work, I really don't have much time for myself. I have been working 55 hours a week since we were acquired a year ago, and having kids ranging in ages constantly keep me running around when I'm not at work. I am focused on a few goals though that help motivate me to get up and give each day my all:

1- obviously my kids are number one. I want to provide for them, and create an environment where the see, feel, and experience unconditional love. I want them to have as normal a childhood as possible. I think I'm doing pretty good here.

2- I want to be 100% debt free. I am well on my way as I only owe on my house. I have zero debts other than that. Debt free is very motivating.

3- I want to be able to retire when I'm 50. This goal is the one that I'm starting to put my energy and focus into. If I stay financially disciplined, I think I can pull it off...

I use these three categories as filters when I make decisions. How will my choices effect these 3 goals?? I try really hard to keep on the path.

OffRoad--- What an interesting question.....I can honestly say that it is possible that XW is reliving this horrible experience and not real...Except..my instinct is telling me that this is really happening. I do believe that she would attempt to use this as a way to get me to react. I have felt since day 1 her mission...her goal... is to get me to hate her so that I will want to move on without her. I really believe a lot of what she has done was with intent to get me to react negatively and change how I feel towards her. Hence the secrecy in her actions still to this day. She tries so hard to manipulate things so that people on the outside (even her family) has no idea what is going on (justification), and tries hard to make it so it can't come back on her. The only problem with that is ....I don't react to anything she does. So eventually it always works its way back to her, and she is left thinking how she can attack again. I remember her telling her dad.."if I could take the kids from superman and never let him see them..I would"  This after telling me when I confronted her on her behavior "thank you for caring so well for our children. You are an amazing father and person" I have always remembered the advice from the therapist shortly after bd..."Only react when something actually happens" coupled with what we learn here on the site..."believe none of what they say and less than half of what they do" My choosing to not react really put me and my kids in the best possible outcome legally for sure.

As for her sharing with D15...I think that is partly because XW is lonely and has no support...she has always wanted D15 to experience life and "not make the same mistakes she did" regarding getting married and a young and and having kids at a young age. I also think in some twisted way XW believes she is rebuilding her relationship with D15 even though they have yet to be honest with each other and really deal the reality of all of this. XW has yet to see how these kids really feel. XW has yet to talk about why D15 tried to harm herself just like XW did. XW has yet addressed S18 in any way shape or form. XW has yet to acknowledge the abandonment and lack of ability to even care for D7 for these past 5 years. She thinks she can quietly sweep it under the rug while still living a life that is one lie after another. Unfortunately those worlds can't coexist. Which is why she is very stuck and continues to make the wrong choices and avoids everything she has created.

Today I went to get the mail.....guess what???...In the mail there was a package for XW. It was addressed to her, sent to my address, and she has yet to change her name back to her maiden name even though she made sure that option was selected in the divorce. So the legal decree states that she is to go back, yet she continues on. Only doing things that seem to be convenient for her. I am sending the package back on Monday with a note that says "not at this address, return to sender" Its so strange to me.  It is really just more of the same. 5+ years now of this irrationally and irradict behavior. While the madness is unpredictable....it really is predictable after a while.

Great thoughts and questions from both of you. Thank you for forcing me to think and look at things with a different lens.

Another day close to something...

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #22 on: July 31, 2017, 07:28:20 PM »
D15 called method afternoon to come help her as she was feeling overwhelmed with taking care of XW...the new puppy...and I guess xw' aister kept giving D15 her baby to watch and care for. So I went over to pick up the puppy and talk to D15 for a while. During the talks D15 told me the loser sent xw a message and she saw it. It was something like..."picking up your ring tomorrow". It made D15 mad and she told me she flipped the bird at the phone.  So it seems that an engagement will be coming soon. Ridiculous.   I can't understand how these people even survive. 

I really wish I could get further away from this mess.......the front row seat is impossible to ignore.

Another day closer to something....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #23 on: August 01, 2017, 10:17:17 PM »
well today I spoke with FIL on the phone for about 30 minutes. We talked about a lot of different topics. He is concerned about the kids and the things they learn from XW and her behavior. He is going to spend a couple hours with the kids tomorrow night to gauge how they are coping and where they are at. He also wants to see if the kids can go with him for a few days next week to Lake Tahoe to get away from things for a bit. I support both of those things as I think he can send the same message to the kids but from a different point of view or source. He wants to make sure they are on the right path as well.

FIL told me today that a while ago he told XW that she needed to learn to create her own life and only needed to take care of herself and her relationship with the kids, and that she didn't need someone else. It seems like she is looking for someone to take care of her instead of her solving her own issues...the magic pill that will poof....make her life just be grand. He told her that is not how things work and if she thinks it will she will regret it completely. He knows she is not in a good place and is worried about her influence on the kids.

When I got home from work..the kids were already here and seemed good. D15 seemed relaxed here at home, S18 was playing some video games and D7 was playing with her friend having a good time. At least our home is a safe haven for the kids and I can see that in their body language and behavior.

Continuing on the path...one baby step at a time....

Another day closer to something....

Offline Watcher

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #24 on: August 02, 2017, 01:28:44 PM »
Hi Superman,

I do like the debt free goal. That is something that I have been working on during my 2 years. As for your 1st goal I agree with you. You have done a wonderful job in that area. I see the body language and behavior with my 2 son's. They both look comfortable and that's what matters. Keep it up.

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #25 on: August 03, 2017, 01:13:03 PM »
Watcher,

Thanks...helping my kids learn, understand, and thrive through this is hopefully giving them the skills they will need to avoid going through this cycle later in their lives. As for debt free living....I told myself I was not going to be held hostage to anyone or anything again. The peace of mind that comes with that is amazing.

Round 2 with S18 at the dentist today. He got a lot of work completed. Now to schedule to have his wisdom teeth removed and we can check this off the list of things we need to do.

XW's sister is getting married tomorrow. FIL asked me if I was going to attend..I replied I haven't been invited, and if I was I'm not sure I would want to go. I don't support the decisions they have been making lately, and really don't want to be around that family as well. He understood what I was saying and agreed with me. He still want me to come.

D15 and D7 are registered for school. This summer has gone by so fast. Hard to believe that they will be starting school again in only a couple weeks. School will be good for them to get back into a good routine and give them things to learn and do. D7 is very excited about school..D15 not so much.

always on the move...

Another day closer to something....

Offline Musica

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #26 on: August 08, 2017, 05:14:41 AM »
Superman I just discovered your new thread on a rare visit here.

I'm so sorry that exW if putting so much onto D15, that is really selfish of her. D15 has enough to deal with being a teenage girl without having to support her mother. Such a selfish thing to do.

I'm glad your dark thoughts from a month ago have diminished, the world needs Superman, especially the world in the eyes of your 3 children, your family, friends, and community.
I need you too!

Back to school for the girls will be good, and hope your son finds interesting work before he goes off travelling!

Take care Superman, ... in some previous posts there was some advice about saying no ... e.g. When there's a problem with the car ... I know that goes against your belief in helping and would be so difficult for you ... even though it would take you away from the front line somewhat. Your exW never expressing gratitude is just downright rude tbh, she has problems for sure, I wish your D15 didn't try to solve them for her. She needs to say no too ... perhaps you can show her. Y example?

Lots of love xxx

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #27 on: August 10, 2017, 06:25:24 AM »
Musica,

It's nice to see your opinion and comments. I really appreciate it. As far as saying "no" to her and being and example to D15....I can see the logic behind, but you are right...it goes against me. I have spent my life learning that my true joy comes from help others with nothing expected I return. I want my children to see that while life is not always easy or goes as planned, that we get more personally out of helping others than we ever give. I want to be the change I want to see in the world.  I imagine a day where this world is filled with pure love and compassion instead of selfishness and hate. So while maybe saying no might send a message to XW (which I doubt she receives) saying yes and helping is sending a bigger more important message to D15. D15 is only trying to support her mom as she see and knows her mom has nobody in her life. I respect that. I only caution D15 that her mom has to learn from her own choices just like the rest of us, and that D15 needs to make sure she is choosing the right path for herself in life.

Today we are finalizing the deal with the school district regarding S18's injury. They will be paying for it and reimbursing me in exchange for us signing a nondisclosure agreement with them.

Later I'm taking the girls shopping to get all the things they will need to start school again in 2 weeks. Summer just went by too fast!

I officially am taking over 4 stores that are some of the busiest in our industry in the world. It will be a little change of pace, but also a lot of responsibility. I will be responsible to hitting the revenue goals set up in the sale of the business so the previous owner can receive his full payout...millions of $$$ at stake. We reached our 1st year goals so that was nice...now to reach the 2nd and final year goals.

Another day closer to something....

Offline Musica

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #28 on: August 12, 2017, 03:33:35 AM »
Congratulations on your professional success Superman I'm sure you are on target to 'retire' at 50 ... however I don't think you will actually retire 😂😂 not in the 'traditional' sense anyhow!! Ya know slowing down, fishing, ...   but it will be nice to not be tied to specific hours and to be able to work to your own priorities! Your kids will be pretty much grown up then too ... and you will have time & energy to do plenty I'm sure!

I really do understand what you say about helping and asking for nothing in return, I agree it's a great example to show. However, if by helping another (even her Mum) your daughter is harming her own psychological well-being, then I believe it's right to say no in those circumstances.

One of my Ds still feels the need to take anti-depressant medication as she was greatly affected by all the trauma we went through and couldn't help feeling involved in supporting me though I tried to never ask for her support. She was her and she saw ... he nature is to give but indoing so she suffered. I wish she had taken herself away from it somehow, as her other sister managed to do, be less involved, and save her own mental anguish.

I am concerned for my daughter's mental health more so than my own, I am good, but she still feels sad, anxious, and needs medication to live day to day. That's so sad for her, and somehow I feel responsible. If I'd made her less involved, if I'd put on a pretence, if I'd  dealt with things differently??? Would she be ok?  Or is this something that she would always have developed? Is this part of her nature?? So many questions!

I believe your W has sisters and friends to confide in, it would be more appropriate than using D15. I'm certain D15 has plenty of age appropriate ways of giving service to others which I know you would encourage. She's in a very tough situation with her Mum, as I know she'll want to support her, without realising that she can damage her own well-being in doing so.

Just giving an alternative point of view Superman. I absolutely respect your ideals and I know you have the best interests of your children at heart.

Lots of love xxxx

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #29 on: August 12, 2017, 09:00:08 PM »
Musica-- Thank you. Yours (and others), opinions are always welcome here. I'm quite positive I don't have any answers to any of this...or life in general. I only have my experiences to draw from whether they be good or bad.

First---I'm sorry to hear your daughter is struggling as well. Always questions as we go through the challenges with only possible explanations when we get through and look back. D15 and her mom???....I think for me when I look at things objectively as I can.....I'm not sure I would change my approach too much at all. D15 and I communicate and talk about things and feelings, choices, consequences, etc..quite often. We connect very well and have a unique bond between us. I give her direction and advise, but like many of things in life...ultimate I have to let her choose the path she wants to take. So I do not condone bad behavior, I also do not hold it forever either. I find it in D15 (and even XW) best interest to let her figure it out on her own through experience while setting an example she can see, feel, and call upon any time. I grew up with he model "actions speak louder than words" and I believe that, and try to live that.  So in that spirit, I don't want to change my core beliefs of helping others when I am able just to try and prove a point. Yes..I understand how hard this path is in this situation. There are plenty of times I want to scream at XW to wake up, or help her understand and feel the pain she has caused all of us....but....I know that reacting in that way is not the right thing to do. Sacrificing short term feelings for long term rewards... Personally I don't feel like my actions are enabling XW any more. I only help when asked...and that is not very often at all. When I lay down each night...I sleep just fine. I have no regrets, no should of...could of....I'm still following my path and goals I set up for myself when I was younger.  I remember when I left home at a super young age (12yrs) I made a plan of where I wanted my life to go...graduate school...graduate college by 25...buy a home by 30...retire early 50..... At 12 years old I had no idea how I was going to make that happen, I just knew that was the outline I wanted for my life. to be honest as I type this now...I'm shocked at the position I find myself in...nearly debt free...children growing and getting ready to spread their wings...have some money ready to invest...and even contemplating if I want to start my own business or not.  Blessings come to those who try their best and do the right thing even when that is the hardest thing to do. Based off of those experiences there is no way I will change from that. I learned my lesson...kindness..patience...honesty...forgiveness...effort....those are my ingredients to success.

Another day closer to something.....

Offline Musica

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #30 on: August 14, 2017, 09:17:46 AM »
🙂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🙂  You're right Superman. Of course you know you & your D best and make the best decisions and choices in your unique situation. Just putting some thoughts down, and I know you are open to other ideas.

Thank you for your good wishes re my D ... At times she's so strong & independent ... Like when she travelled alone for 3 months earlier this year ... Yet just last night she was in tears worrying about going off to university next month, saying it feels so final, that she's leaving home ... When in fact she can get home in a couple of hours, anytime she likes!  She has such peaks and lows, it's hard to just listen, as I know I can't fix her, but would love to be able to. Mental health is so important, and not really understood ... I wish she didn't feel the need to medicate but she does so I support her all I can.

Gosh I didn't know you'd left home at 12!  Isn't it amazing that all the goals you set then are working out! Obviously you're doing something right! 😀

Take care Superman xxxx


Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #31 on: August 19, 2017, 07:20:24 PM »
It's been a busy week here... trying to get the girls all ready for school to start next week. I took them in for a hair cut, and D7 decided she was going to tell them what she wanted and I had to wait outside until it was done. Well she chose to have about 6-8" cut off and to add some bangs. She looks so pretty and grown up with it, but I still about had a heart attack and fell over! D15 wants to add some color to her hair..some red highlights in her beautiful long dark hair. She will look nice as well. S18 started working with me for a few days this week. He only wants to work 3 days a week, I'm just glad he has taken that step so I'm not pushing him for any more.

The job front has been a little crazy. We are working on shifting our management crew around to help cover my position and put our businesses in a great place moving forward. So funny how I have offered people a better position with opportunity to learn, advance, and earn more and some people think the world is coming to an end. People really don't like change...even when it will benefit them. I think I calmed the seas with everyone and now starting to working putting the assistants in place to help them. Then its full steam ahead with the transitions. Hopefully in a month or so from now things will smooth out and people will thrive with their opportunities.

Busy week again coming up...hopefully all will go smoothly and we can get back to life, school, home etc.

Musica---yes I left home at 12...and never looked back. I have cared for myself since then. I truly believe that difficult experience set the stage for me to be able to handle some of the trials I have had to go through...especially this so called MLC. There's not much I feel like I couldn't handle anymore. I learned if I wanted to eat...I had to work. If I wanted something...I had to make it happen. Those lessons have stuck with me and drive me to keep moving forward...sometimes an inch at a time...

another day closer to something...

Offline Made

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #32 on: August 20, 2017, 03:07:09 PM »
12? wow I left at 18 and thought I had tough. Good to find you again Super
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #33 on: August 23, 2017, 08:36:32 PM »
Made-- Yes, I left home at 12...got a job doing landscaping that paid me cash and found a room to rent that I could pay cash. I got myself up for school and went, then after school went to work..then home again. It was tough. I bought my first car at 14..I remember driving it to school (middle school) thinking how much trouble I would get in if someone actually paid attention to me...but I didn't cause problems, so I went under the radar. From 12 - 16 or so was very tough. But I learned how to take care of myself, and get the things I needed. I put myself through school (3.7 GPA) and learned a lot. I wouldn't promote that lifestyle to anyone as it was very hard....but I also don't regret it and wouldn't change a thing.

Well its the first week of school for the girls. D7 was so excited for school to start again. The night before she kept telling herself to think of others things because she couldn't sleep as she was so excited. She is right back into the flow of it and doing very well.

D15 on the other hand...the night before school started...she had a huge anxiety attack. She was crying in her room and basically told me she wasn't going to go to school. We spoke for quite a while and was able to calm her down a bit. She has made it through the first few days, and tomorrow I told her I would go with her to talk to the counselor and make a plan of action to help her. So we will see how that goes.

S18 has been working hard and doing a great job. It's been nice to see him doing his best. He really is a great kid.

Transitions are beginning to move along. I have 200 employees at the sites I now over see. I am learning to shift my view to a bigger picture than I had before, so that is nice to exercise my mind and get out of my comfort zone a bit.

I do wonder though.....will life ever slow down again?? Goodness..life in the fast lane at mach1.

Another day closer to something....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #34 on: August 29, 2017, 07:30:22 PM »
update

Super busy as usual the last few days. D15 had a major meltdown the first few days of school. I went last week and met with the counselor and vice principle to help create a safe action plan for when she has anxiety attacks. I think it helped her to calm a little and see that I am an advocate for her. It was a pretty conversation and I think they will be more aware of D15 and her needs. One of the trigger events was a teacher telling the class.."when students act like...or do....it makes me want to kill myself". That sent D15 spiraling down. I told the administrators that I'm sure it was just a passing comment but in this situation its totally uncalled for to communicate with students this way. So I made them craft an email to the teachers reminding them to be professional with the students as you never know what the students are dealing with.  Since that meeting, D15 has been doing better and seems to be progressing. I can only hope it can keep up....

D7 is doing great. She loves going to school. I'm super proud of how strong she is.

S18 has been doing great as well. He has been doing a great job at work, and tonight came with me to my personal training session...he did awesome. It was a lot of fun to see him put effort in and work hard.

XW........I guess the loser is back in town again today....yuck. It sounds like this visit will include a proposal... I am beyond belief by it really....but I guess I always knew it was a possibility. Honestly though as I see it today...even if XW changed...I don't think I could ever have her back.  All of her choices, actions, consequences, or so not me and what I stand for..I just wish I didn't have to have any contact or have our lives cross at all. 

But...I'm healthy, happy, and life is headed in a good way. So I'll keep trucking along and let God keep blessing my life.

Pray for Texas...unreal ....

Another day closer to something.....

Offline Made

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #35 on: August 29, 2017, 11:04:40 PM »
Quote
"when students act like...or do....it makes me want to kill myself".

what a fool, what an idiot, what a creep, what an @$$hole...with teen suicide rates at record levels any teacher saying something like that should be fired if not suspended, I have no respect for a jerk like that. My D21 lived through a similar situation as your D15 is going through (from 13 to 19), its very hard and alot of teachers still don't get it - despite all of the press, all of the training they are supposed to be getting, all of the professional development days ... what a firetruck face, you are giving him a lot of grace which is just like you! :) keep on doing it right!
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Musica

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #36 on: August 31, 2017, 03:40:55 AM »
Agree it was definitely an unprofessional remark from that teacher. I hope it never happens again.

I'm with you Superman, on the paradox of wanting the ex to disappear completely from our lives, yet knowing that my daughters want to keep some kind of relationship with him. I'd happily never see or hear from him ever again ... they seem to feel a duty somehow, to keep some contact ... partly guilt as he tells them he feels neglected! (Still no understanding from him of how leaving the family made them feel!)

Perhaps she'll move away with the loser? How would you feel about that? How would your kids feel?

Work sounds super-busy, I'm sure your support for your D will help her immeasurably. Glad little D and S are doing so well xxx

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #37 on: August 31, 2017, 03:39:16 PM »
Well a twist has been added to the complexity of issues today....

While I was trying to get some work accomplished...D15 text me to say she couldn't stay at school because she got word that a friend of hers had passed away. I instantly knew what happened. I left work and went to pick her up. When I got there I went in and talked to the school counselor about it. He confirmed to me that the child in question had committed suicide. How devestating.... I told him I was taking D15 home for the day and that I would appreciate if he would keep a close eye on her as she processes this situation.

D15 next Counceling appointment is next Tuesday. I verified with XW to make sure and then let her know what was going on. We messaged back and forth a few times about it. After spending the last few hours with D15 I feel like she is doing ok...but it can all change on a dime. Tomorrow I am leaving at 6 am to my store that is 250 miles away. I'll be gone until nearly 10pm at night. That has me a little concerned to be that far away while all this is going on. XW told me she will cut her work day short and "be available to help" if something comes up.  Isn't that nice???

Hug your kids tightly, and tell them you love them.....you never know what tomorrow may bring...

Another day closer to something...


Offline Made

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #38 on: August 31, 2017, 04:32:40 PM »
Can you take a professional day?
I am sorry to hear this, what timing...

I will be praying for you and your daughter
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Albatross

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #39 on: September 01, 2017, 05:29:14 AM »
attaching.

Offline Musica

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #40 on: September 02, 2017, 07:55:34 AM »
I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope your D is ok and that the child's family are being supported to cope with that devastating event.

I really hope your D finds the support she needs too ... can she go with you to work or is that completely impractical?  Such a sad thing to deal with. I imagine whole school is in mourning and involved in giving support to students.

God bless Superman, and keep you all safe. XxxX

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #41 on: September 02, 2017, 09:26:04 PM »
Well D15 seem to handle the funeral services well. We talked a little late last night just before I started the long drive home. Tonight when she came home, she came in my room and she seemed to be in good spirits. Maybe D15 is getting a little stronger in dealing with these intense emotions she is facing...I can only hope so.

1st trip to the new location was a success. It is a very busy facility and after spending the day with them, I can see some areas that I can focus on to help grow the business. Should be a fun challenge. Got home late last night and had to turn around for an early morning as a different location was sending some employees to my site for training for the day. I'm grateful that I am busy, as it keeps me preoccupied so I'm not able to think about things that are not in my control. I try to simplify my life and focus on one thing at a time...solve the problems I can solve, and just live a simple life.

Made---Thanks. I have now come to realize that things happen, and effect me that are out of my control so I try not to worry too much other than give the situations my best when the show up. I have to believe that the way I live my life and values...will help guide my children when they are going through the tough times in life...

Albatross--Welcome...your thoughts and opinions are always welcome here. Support is why we are all here.

Musica-- Very devastating....My heart just broke when I heard the news. D15 welcome to come to work with me any time she wants. I think its good that she knows thats an option..but I also think it is good that she tries to face these issue and learn from them. She is an amazing individual.

Well I survived another day....I'm blessed and challenged...just like everyone else.

Stay strong TEXAS...

Another day closer to something....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #42 on: September 06, 2017, 08:51:18 PM »
D15 is bouncing back. Today she called me energetic asking if when I come home from work if I would take her to a Polynesian dance class so they can see how much she knows how to do and to decide if she wants to join the class. She was super happy and and excited about it. She was supposed to go to her Counceling appointment Tuesday, but the councilor canceled to do and illness and I guess its been rescheduled for tomorrow when I can take her. XW transferred her child support payment in a few days late and added some for the Counceling appointment. I find it funny that when she puts money into the account--she is now leaving a note for what it is (her paper trail) yet would never leave a note or heads up while taking money all those years even though I had asked since I had to budget for our family. She still has not put her half of last months medical payment for D15 into the account. I have not said a word about it because I did the month before..its her responsibility, she has paid it once so there is a record of it and her knowledge of it, not each month she skips...will be another poor decision that could end up hurting her. I'm not worried about the money, and I will never put myself in a position where I have to rely on her or anyone else for that fact to take care of something. I learned my lesson.

S18 has been great. Working 3 long days a week, and then coming to my personal trainer after work one night a week. Each week he has been more active and involved which is both fun and good for him. I am very proud of the good young man he is. Next up I need to schedule time to get his wisdom teeth removed. thats the next thing on our list to get him ready for his church mission. Seems like a never ending list...lol

Work has been super busy. My new position has the potential of providing me an extra $15k/year if I achieve all the objectives put in place. I'm excited about that. I also like moving from store to store. Super busy, but I think things are going good.

D7--she has been great. So excited to be in school. Tomorrow I am going with her to class for a bit to read to the kids and help out. She loves it when I can come and help at school.

XW???--she is the same...lost...and not doing anything to find her way...the loser is around...and I refuse to contact her while that is the case. My life is heading in a good direction...she appears stuck in the mud.

Another day closer to something....

Offline Albatross

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #43 on: September 07, 2017, 12:22:48 AM »
I am raised and parents teach me that only one person on whom can I relay 100 % all the time it is me. So, I never expect from anyone anything, is there anything from others that is nice, if not is also nice. You are great man and dad, keep going !
Greetings

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #44 on: September 12, 2017, 08:15:07 PM »
Breakneck speed and growth happening right now----Sounds like our group is buying another location and closing on it in the next week. They are putting that location in my group so I'll be up to 5 locations spread nearly 300 miles apart. Progress is good though..we always talked about growth and now we are living it.

D7 has been a lot of fun lately. We have such a special connection and bond. One of the best things to come out of this whole nightmare.

D16 seems to be doing pretty good the last few days. I'm pretty grateful for that.

S18 is getting his wisdom teeth removed this week. So that will be fun. Progress is still progress getting him one step closer to his goal.

XW has all but vanished now that the loser is back in town. I'm not surprised and grateful for it. Nothing is worse than having this mess thrown in my face 24/7. Maybe that piece of paper (divorce) is stronger than I thought, because since then, she has stopped taking money from me, she for the most part follows up on her child support, and is quiet and not throwing this mess in my face. I have found since I have kept my silence and not reacted to her decisions...I have kept my power and that has been very good to me. No sense giving that up now. Just keep swimming I tell myself.

is what it is...... another day closer to something....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #45 on: October 11, 2017, 09:28:55 PM »
update time

Things have been pretty busy lately as usual. Today I went to lunch with FIL. We spent about an hour together and he was venting and catching me up on things. He asked if I was going to nephews wedding on Friday (yes nephew is getting married on Friday the 13th), I replied that I was not invited. He then basically invited me and I told him that I was not going to go because nephew did not invite me and I have already planned a work trip for the day. He then went on to tell me that XW older brother got a license so he could officiate the wedding....goodness if the date wasn't enough to doom them...lol He also told me that XW sister had told him that she thinks the loser is bad for XW and is a drag on her. That he basically does nothing all day long and that she doesn't like him. FIL thought I would like hearing that, and I simply replied that I feel sad for her, and that she is living her choices. He asked me if things had improved between XW and I, and I responded that nothing has changed and that she avoids me like the plague. I told him that after all these years I am used to it and don't expect anything else from her. I focus on my life and the kids, and making sure they are taken care of and that they are doing good.

The kids are doing pretty good. S18 went on his first solo trip. He went to visit a girl about 6 hours away with the thoughts that potential love was in the works...I told him it wasn't what he thought it was... but being a teen..he had blinders on and had to see for himself. He came back and I think learned from the experience. Maybe...just maybe...dad knows what he is talking about. lol

D15 is having some issues with friends at school. She came home and told me that she wants to take online classes and not go to school anymore. After talking with her for a while, I was able to get her to see that the solution she wants, was not the real solution to the problem she has, and that she would only end up isolating herself and make the real issues worse. She didn't want to believe me, but is smart enough to know that the advise I gave her was correct. The next few days as school I saw her body language change a little bit, and she seems to be doing ok. I have made a plan to spend at least one day a week taking her to lunch so we can spend a few minutes together and to let her know I'm there for her.

D7 made us all go to the local pumpkin patch. We had a good time going through the corn maze, wagon ride, and playing around. She is a great kid.

I am so fortune, I look at my 3 kids and see how amazing they are, especially while dealing with some very difficult circumstances. I realize my reality with them could be so very different. It was a good reminder of what is really important in life...and to keep that in focus. 1st things 1st...can't let life challenges change my focus on the things are important in life.

another day closer to something...

Offline Made

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #46 on: October 13, 2017, 06:31:28 AM »
Thanks for the update Superman, what about you, how are YOU doing?
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #47 on: October 17, 2017, 06:44:16 PM »
Thanks for the update Superman, what about you, how are YOU doing?

That's a good question Made.....

With all the things I have to do daily I really haven't had a chance to sit and focus on myself. Not all since this broke out. At first doing all things things was a life preserver...but I think it has slowly changed me. As I get asked frequently now about my future, dating..etc. I have realized that I have retreated pretty far emotionally and built some pretty big walls. I feel like a robot quite often, never getting to excited about anything, never getting too low about anything either. It's a weird place that I find myself in.

I recently bought a new gun that I have always wanted. Financially I'm in a good place so money isn't that big of an issue, but I have found the things I used to find joy in...don't bring me any joy at all. I actually feel guilty doing things for myself because I know that my life is under a microscope. Reality is that people are still watching everything I do. I also know that as I become more successful and XW does not, that people view it as I don't help her out, when in reality she refuses any help from me. Feeling like that really bothers me. Damned if I do....Damned if I don't....

I keep telling myself to just live life as it comes. To try not to force anything to happen...to just try and be a good person day in and day out...that eventually life will works itself out. Life is hard enough...I try not to put self inflicted road blocks along the way.

Another day closer to something...

Offline Made

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #48 on: October 18, 2017, 07:35:55 AM »
Quote
I have found the things I used to find joy in...don't bring me any joy at all.
thats good IMO, you have a great attitude about "things" and now they don't bring you joy means you can really explore/find/discern that which does

Quote
that people view it as I don't help her out,
people will view anything anyway they want, it is not your job to provide (help) for her anymore, that responsibility went out with the divorce, your job is now to provide for your kids and yourself...and the general society as a whole not individuals who, by their own process, left the marriage. Those who think otherwise are being abusive to you and you should reject them and their views.

Quote
...to just try and be a good person day in and day out...that eventually life will works itself out. Life is hard enough...I try not to put self inflicted road blocks along the way.

This is good and I can understand about the walls, you are a changed person because of the damage she caused. Focus on healing, be active in the healing process, it will prepare you for the day that life changes for the good.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #49 on: October 25, 2017, 03:23:42 AM »
Quote
At first doing all things things was a life preserver...but I think it has slowly changed me. As I get asked frequently now about my future, dating..etc. I have realized that I have retreated pretty far emotionally and built some pretty big walls. I feel like a robot quite often, never getting to excited about anything, never getting too low about anything either. It's a weird place that I find myself in.

I could have written this word for word..... After going around this particular mulberry bush twice now as an LBS, I have pretty much written off relationships and gone to a mode of real indifference to most things... I still get enthusiastic about my work as I can see that there are benefits for humanity there. I can still get passionate about my kids because they are the lights of my life and they did NOT ask for this situation... I still enjoy certain pastimes like singing in my choir and occasionally, there are moments where the results are amazing (we sang an Anglican Evensong in a Benedictine Abbey built in the 1600's in the Rhein Valley last week and it was nothing short of awesome) but in general? It is a lot like y0ou describe it... No real highs and no real lows... existence... Existing, not living....

I'm guessing it is a phase of emotional recovery from the whipsawing that we gone through recently.... After a period of extreme overstimulation, teh nerves no longer fire at all and it takes a while to regenerate and come back to some semblance of "normal."

UM
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #50 on: October 28, 2017, 09:45:49 PM »
update....It has been very busy as of late. Recently one of my co workers was loading an ATV in his truck and the ramps slipped..the ATV flipped over and landed on him. He ended up with 7 broken ribs...several with multiple breaks, 7 staples in the back of his head, and hospitalized for a week and a half. Upon being released from the hospital he went on a previously planned trip which probably was best to help his recovery. The problem is I have ended up taking on all of his responsibilities along with all of mine as well. So I have been working non stop round the clock.
but did
Thursday was D15 birthday...so now officially D16!!! I wasn't sure what XW would try to do which made making plans kind of rough. That morning we took D7 to school and then I surprised D16 by not making her go to school for the day. We ran a few errands, and then took her on a little shopping spree. We went to a few stores, and she struggled to find anything she wanted. I simply went along and didn't nudge or pressure her into anything. I simply gave her a budget to spend and told her she could get anything she wanted. Well she eventually went to a music store and ended up buying another ukulele. This gal is pretty awesome. She plays the violin, taught herself how to play the ukulele and piano. So out of all the things she could get...she chose that. Then we ran to her school as she had a playing test in her orchestra class. I had her drive so that I could work at the same time as there was a lot of things going on that needed attention. After the test we picked up S18 and D7 and went and ran a couple work errands then off to have fun. We went and did some go kart racing. I thought it was super fun and so did the kids. It was awesome to see D7 driving a go kart around the track and with each lap she kept getting more and more confident even though she has never driven anything before let alone by herself. Kids had a blast.

We then went to dinner together to our favorite restaurant..which makes D16 favorite chocolate cake. It was perfect. After dinner home to play some games in the yard. All in all I think it was a pretty good day. I was pretty nervous as D16 has said for a while that she did not want to celebrate her birthday at all. A lot of that is because of the loser being here in town and all the things going on there. Especially with the year she has had, I really wasn't sure how things would go, but I think keeping things simple with me, D7, D16, and S18 just spending time together having fun and no drama from anyone else was the perfect recipe for her. She had a great 16th birthday.

Yesterday I had to head out of town to visit one of my stores. 500 mile round trip with a 7 hour work day in-between  It was very long day. Left at 6 am and home at 10 pm. Then followed that up today having to visit 3 other stores and found out late notice that I also had to train 3 store managers from a different area for the day. Somehow with everything going on...it all worked out and everything was completed, nothing lacked, and success was made. I think that dealing with everything over the last few years has made it so handling everything thrown my way just simply works out. Again...I don't get to high or excited about anything...or to low or stressed about anything.

Today when I finally arrived home I went to get the mail. In it was a notice from my health insurance company. Well the notice was for XW...Last month around the time she lost her baby...she had a DR give her a birth control device and used my insurance to cover it. She has refused to go to the DR for 5.5 years not wanting anything to do with anything I have or provided. I now am wondering how she paid for the D&C procedure she had as I never saw a notice for that from them.... unreal.

Tomorrow I'm inviting a few family members over to celebrate D16 birthday. She wants me to make her favorite soup..creamy potato. We decided to invite my parents, my sister, my brother, FIL and his wife, and FIL step daughter. D16 didn't want to invite anyone else. I'm sure the rest of the family will find out and get mad and think I am some kind of jerk for not including them. D16 and I just can't handle being around them. The inlays are beyond rude and I really want nothing to do with XW. I am a little shocked that she would send the insurance paperwork to my house...like while we are divorced...nothing but that piece of paper has changed. No communication, no assistance, nothing from her, but she will use me for her benefit. One of these days I think I will drop her from both my health insurance, and the auto insurance and let her really live her choices. Those 2 things are the last thing, but it still offers her a safety net and buffer from the consequences of her actions. Me and the kids get absolutely nothing in return.

Well thats probably a long enough update...lol

Another day closer to something...

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #51 on: November 25, 2017, 09:53:33 PM »
Update time--

I swear I'm living in a time warp. So much has happened since my last update. I'll attempt to recap:

D7---had a birthday and is now D8!!! We had so much fun with her and her friends at her party. For some strange reason, XW tried to get heavily involved with her b-day for the first time in 6 years. She wanted to plan the party, she tried to see if I was holding a "family" dinner, and also tried to take treats to D8's class for the day. I have no idea where the motivation for this came from, but I wasn't buying it at all. As long as the loser is here, I will not allow the circus to take away from my children. So I deflected her texts to me and we went through with the plans we had already made.

Around the same time D16 was involved in a school play. I went to every performance they had to support her. Well XW didn't. Really didn't even offer to help. But on the last day she did go and brought the loser too. As soon as I walked in D8 ran over to me and sat with me the whole show. Once it was over, XW disappeared and left. D16 did a fantastic job with her part of the production. Each night they were better and better. I was so proud of her and how far she has come since February when her life nearly ended. Such progress...such blessings.

Work is moving at a maniacal rate as well. We acquired another location 2 weeks ago, and it was assigned to me. So I am up to 5 locations, 250 employees, 13 milliion in revenue, over a 300 mile area. Being in a service industry it is proving to be a little bit of a challenge and learning curve for me. I have been focused on rebranding the new site, making a few changes to the service and production, while maintaining peak performance at 2 of the world's busiest facilities in our industry. I'm pretty busy to say the least. D8 keeps bugging me on when I am going to take her to the new store so she can work with me..lol. She is so great.

In our church 8 is the age the children can choose to decide if they want to be baptized and officially recognized as a member. D8 asked me to preform the ceremony, and assigned others parts of the event. So fun to see her do this. One portion of the event I decided to ask FIL if he wanted to participate to which he nearly went to tears and commented how honored he would be. It was the right decision to include him as he has had great impact in my life, and my children lives. Well XW again for some reasons trying to get involved even though she doesn't go to church at all, and I've heard that recently has told people how much she hates it... I can't quite figure it out. She even sent me a text saying she wanted to help plan the event and also figure out what we were going to do for the family dinner afterwards....ummmmm sorry XW. I am not doing anything with you...or your siblings that don't care about my children or me. You're on your own for that. I did tell a few people that they were invited the next day for a celebration and that it would be a small gathering for the people that have shown their love for D8 and that the others were not invited or welcome in our home.

Thanksgiving confirmed to me why I wouldn't do a combined family event again. Apparently MIL started throwing a fit demanding that everyone go to her dinner which she scheduled at the same time FIL (scheduled his a month previously). Well D16 told me that MIL called XW and made her cry over it. D16 wants to call MIL and get mad at her for treating XW that way but then said...."I know she already hates me, and I'm sure that would make it worse". how sad is that? D16 telling me she knows her grandmother hates her??? unbelievable.  Now Ive seen this behavior from MIL nearly every year, on nearly every holiday. The behavior is more to compete with FIlL than it is about the event like thanksgiving. Some people are simply astounding in their behavior. The kids and I decided last year that we would not participate in the drama ever again so we went out for Thanksgiving dinner. It was terrific and fantastic. We really enjoyed ourselves and being together..the whole purpose of Thanksgiving. That afternoon I did take the kids to see FIL and that was good. As we drove home S18 called XW to tell her something and I guess XW and the loser were out shopping trying to buy the loser video games??? seriously??? She didn't even try to see her kids on Thanksgiving..instead spends it spending money she doesn't have on video games....unreal.

We went home and put up our Christmas decorations and decorated the tree. In all it was one of the better Thanksgivings we have had.

Also recently a gal that had asked me out for a lunch date a year ago, reached out again out of the blue. We messaged back and forth a few times and decided to meet up again. We have gone to lunch once, dinner once, and the other night spent a few hours together just chatting. This is so difficult for me. I have realized that to find the joy to balance my life out I need to open up a little and take a chance...but my goodness, I never thought it would be this hard. I do have to admit that I really like this gal. She is beautiful, very smart, has a great career, very caring for others (volunteers several times a year to rebuild communities) and has an energy and light about her that I like. We shall see what happens. She has asked me some very deep questions that caused me to think. I remind myself to be open to things and allow God's timing to work (We talked about a character in a movie (The Natural) and the next day she told me it was very strange that in the book she has been reading for a while they started talking about that same character).  This is new territory for me, and I guess it will be interesting to see where God's path for me leads. I need only to simply live my life, the best I can, and allow God to bless me along the way.

Another day closer to something.......

Offline Made

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #52 on: November 26, 2017, 06:44:30 AM »
Nice update overall Super, thanks and continued blessings along the road
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #53 on: November 26, 2017, 08:06:24 AM »
Glad you managed to salvage your thanksgiving, and good luck with the new lady love.  :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #54 on: November 26, 2017, 01:32:21 PM »
Talk about timing...... while sitting here at church S18 and D16 received a text from xw basically telling them that she took the loser back to the airport and he apparently asked her to marry him. The text basically was a guilt trip to the kids saying that she hoped it wouldn't change they way they feel.  Well.. the kids have voiced their opinion that they hate him and think he is a loser too. So I am shocked that she would tell them by a text message..while they are at church with me.....unbelievable.

D16 started crying and asked me to take her home.  This is going to be a challenge.

Another day closer to something.....

Offline No expectations

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #55 on: November 26, 2017, 08:10:44 PM »
Hi Superman,

Just caught up with your very busy thread.  So much happening!

I'm so sorry your xw did that, by text.  Really?  What a way to tell your children such important news.  What a cowardly way out.

I think of your d16 a lot.  She's really had a rough time of things.  You are an incredible f, and I know how much you've done to keep her steady.  My heart goes out to both of you.

I'm glad you're venturing out a bit in the dating world, you definitely would benefit with some "Superman " time.

I wish you and your family all the best.
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Whyus

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #56 on: November 27, 2017, 12:17:32 AM »
Just caught up Superman. The birthdays sound great, your doing an amazing job considering and your kids adore you. That's the best thing to come out of this mess, the R with the kids.
Your xw sure sounds like a coward. My W complains that she has so little contact with our boys but doesn't do anything to help herself. She thinks a whattsapp every couple of days is being a good mam.
The boys and I call her teenmom when she's nor around and it fits to a tee...
All the best mate.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #57 on: November 27, 2017, 03:56:51 AM »
Hi Superman,

The scenario that just popped into my head re: the text.....

Kids: "We hate OM. He is a loser!"
xW (text): "Well looser just asked me to marry him,. I hope that doesn't change the way you feel"
Kids: "No, we STILL hate him and he is STILL a loser!"

One REALLY has to wonder if there are more than 2 functional brain cells in their heads sometimes.... Although, it is perfectly understandable in a sick sort of way...
By texting, she
1) doesn't have to face their reactions,
2) Doesn't have to take responsibility for her actions directly, and
3) Can say that she "tried" to involve them...  ::)

Yep, it will be a challenge but, in the grand scheme of things, nothing that you haven't already dealt with at least once...  xW is cutting her own lifeline here... Her actions, her consequences and her responsibility...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #58 on: November 27, 2017, 04:39:23 AM »
And probably knows they will tell you too...?  ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #59 on: November 27, 2017, 06:11:47 PM »
I personally was not super surprised by the announcement. It was the next step of course. She chose to dance with the devil and now will try her very best to convince everyone the the wolf is a sheep. I think even if she knows this isn't right..she will still give it everything she has to prove to everyone that it is...They both I believe are looking at the other to rescue them from themselves.

I am most worried about d16...both her and I did not sleep at all last night. I spoke with FIL today and he is concerned as well. D16 told him that she is not ok with this at all. So I really hope she can process this and learn from it as to help herself make the best decisions in life that she can.


As for the gal, We chatted throughout most of the day. It was good. We messaged a few times today as well. I had a realization last night that I think God placed her in my life as a sign to say "everything will be ok" "stay on the path and you will be blessed beyond measure". I tell myself that this whole nightmare is only worth it if I am able to find peace and happiness that is an equal and opposite balance to the pain and suffering we have had to endure. Without fully knowing pain and suffering, I think its not possible to fully know peace and happiness....So I slowly take an inch forward. Trusting that as I learn to pull the wall down that I have put up around my heart..that I will expose it to happiness and peace I crave.  I have no idea where my path will lead me....I only can see where it has brought me from.

Another day closer to something.....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #60 on: November 28, 2017, 10:15:10 PM »
my FIL reminded me that I have been an exemplary XH and that I should move to take XW off my insurance policies (auto & health). I thought for a minute and agreed...I am a great person because I did things for her for nothing in return. And yes there comes a time and place for all things to reach their limit. So I will contact them tomorrow and get that taken care of. I am now kind enough to allow more of her decisions to be her consequences and rewards to those decisions.

As for me... today the gal and I have been messaging back and forth all day. She decided she wanted to get to know me more and googled a list of questions to assist in that. I choose a number and then she will ask me the question. Some of them have been pretty good like "what makes me want to work so hard each day?" some of them fun like "if you could have a superpower, what would it be?"   We have gone back and forth a few times and answered maybe 10 out of 50 questions. Some of her answers she has opened up with some personal detail that honestly I was a little surprised. It has been nice to pull another layer back and see who we each are a little more. ...obviously I want to be like superman...cuz he is awesome (can fly, man of steel, goes about his day in disguise but wired to help people).

I invited her to help me with some Christmas shopping on Saturday as I really don't like going shopping, and I think it will be nice to have some company and spend more time with her. I am very realistic that I have no idea what I'm doing dating....and that more than likely this will turn into nothing....but I can see the timing and God's hand in things and I'm willing to open up little and see where it goes. So far...this gal has everything a man could want and more.  one step at a time I guess.

Another day closer to something......

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #61 on: November 29, 2017, 07:45:34 PM »
FIL today called me wanting to go to lunch together. He came and met me at the site I was working at. We spent about 45 min and I can honestly say that he spent the time venting to me about the reality of the situation his daughter is putting herself in. I think he is stunned and shocked. I told him that I haven't had a conversation with XW in 2 years and even then the only thing she said to me was "Superman...if you ever want there to be a chance of us getting back together...You have to let me go.." What ever that means since she left 3 years prior to that. I reminded him that in 5.5 years I have spoken only 4.5 hours combined with XW. This after being married for 18 years. Unreal as I type this out and read it. In all it was a good conversation. I really like him and we get along very good. He gives her about 2 years before this mess she is creating begins to fall apart. He did tell me that XW had spoken with his w and one point and during that call had said that she is realizing all her problems come from MIL and not FIL or me like she was making it out to be....I simply said...well until she can be open and honest to me, it doesn't mean anything at all and is more of the same. I told him I have removed myself from it all and I'm finished. My life is worth more than this drama and my kids are learning that lesson too.

The gal and I still messaged a few times today. She continuing to get to know me and I her. I think I may pay her a little surprise visit at her work tomorrow since I will be in the area for my job. That may go good...and it may go bad....lol Chances are it will be fine as I plan on it being light and breezy and simply dropping off her favorite treat. She did take me by her work last week when we spent a few hours together so I think it shouldn't come across creepy. lol ROOKIE but I guess I'm learning...

Another day closer to something....

Offline Treasur

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #62 on: November 29, 2017, 08:10:36 PM »
How nice that your FIL is supportive of you and sees the crazy for what it is too. So many LBS don't get that. It's funny, isn't it, how we adapt and then look back at the craziness of it after a long marriage. In my STBXH's head he said in an email that we have 'talked and talked and we're still stuck'..I've seen him 4 times in 2 years, we've probably talked on the phone for less than 3 hours in 2 years...so he might have 'talked and talked' but not to me. Maybe just with himself in his head  ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #63 on: November 30, 2017, 03:53:52 AM »
Mine admits that we have conversations in his head...that we haven't actually had. Then he gets confused if we had them or not.  ???
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #64 on: November 30, 2017, 04:57:33 PM »
FIL has always said " I'm the son he wished he had" We are pretty close and I believe our friendship will last a lifetime. As a matter of fact I asked if he wanted to participate in D8 baptism and he had some tears and was honored.  He is a good guy and shouldn't be judged from the mistakes of others.

Well I made a visit to the gal today. She is an elementary school counselor. When I walked in I noticed a staff member kind of glare at me(stranger) so I turned the other direction and there she was working with a student. So I patiently waited and after a few minutes she noticed me standing there and seemed pleasantly surprised.  I told her I wanted to stop by to say hi and I would be on my way. We walked back to her office so she could show me where she works. It was nice. She then walked me back out to my truck where we stood and talked for a bit. It was a good visit.

A while after I left and headed off to my next task...She sent me a text with a pic. The pic was a note with a time written on it. Her texted stated "Notice the time in the corner, the office gals were watching on camera the whole time and wrote the time down that we hugged" I laughed a bit. I responded..It was my pleasure and I'm curious 2 things...1- Did I pass their test? and 2-Why didn't they take a pic to share?.  My guess is her single life is a topic of conversation amongst the staff...

So another good day. I was also able to find some shoes to go with D8 dress this weekend so that was a win too. The gal and I are planning a nice day of Christmas shopping in which she told me she was only along for the ride and not making any decisions that day other than deciding to join me. I said well...buckle up...its an interesting experience for someone that struggles with severe add and I really struggle with planning details. I think we will have a great time and it will be nice to spend a few hours together again.


Another day closer to something....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #65 on: December 02, 2017, 09:31:18 PM »
Today was an emotional day. D8 had her baptism which was absolutely perfect. She is such a bright light in the world. Very special moment for sure. XW was there as well putting on her show that she is this amazing mother (not) and trying be involved or sound like she is. When near me, XW kept trying to hide her engagement ring, covering up her hands. It was really quite strange to see someone basically embarrassed by that. I suppose she was trying to be respectful??? but I doubt it. Most of her family that came, kept looking at me and simply shaking their heads in disbelief. Her Uncle came to me and apologized and was grateful for how I have handled everything. I could only reply.."it is what it is.."

After the baptism, the kids went with their grandpa to a family birthday party for their cousin, so I decided to go get a few work errands accomplished, and then met up with the gal to do some Christmas shopping. She looked absolutely stunning. We went to lunch and had a great time just chatting about all kinds of things. She wanted to know how the baptism went which I told her and showed her some pics from the event. Then we headed off shopping. The goal today was to get a great start on gifts for the kids. I think that I surprised her with my approach to shopping. I don't haggle, I'm not price conscious, and I always find a staff member to help direct me to what I looking for. We had some great experiences. In the course of going place to place, we also had some great conversation.  This gal is very amazing. She was telling me about how she is going to Luisiana with her friend right after Christmas to help rebuild homes and provide service. One of the stores was a local book store that focuses on items related to our religion. Well while there she was telling me how she wanted to buy several copies of The Book of Mormon to be able to hand out when the opportunity arose.  I simply stopped for a minute and let that soak in. Here is someone volunteering their time and efforts, and in the process has only has the desire to do good in where ever possible. It made me want to be a better person. So I suggested we get 10 copies to which she said she was thinking 9 in her head. Well at the register is slipped them into my transaction to purchase them (I wanted to make a contribution to the cause) and she told me 10 was a good number because she wanted to take the 9 and told me to do the same thing with the other 1. She said she would report back on the experiences she has doing that and I was to as well. 

We accomplished everything on my list for the day. I took her back to her car so she could head off to visit some family that was in town for the evening. That left me with enough time to surprise my mom and go see her Christmas orchestra concert. I sat by my dad to give him company, and then the pastor of the church it was being held at (who also works for me) came and sat by us. We had a great evening. On my way home I called D16 and she proceeded to tell me that there was all kinds of people at my house...XW, FIL, his wife, one of S18 friends and they were simply just hanging out talking. Like how weird is that? My XW is hanging out at my house like it's no big deal??? crazy.  The gal sent me a text with an update of her evening and included a cute pic of her niece.  I replied that she was a cutie, and I thanked her for a very enjoyable afternoon and for spending a few hours with me.  I have no idea how this will go, but if this is what they mean when people say.....Stay on the path and god will bless you more than you ever will know...I like the way it's starting to manifest itself in my life. These last 5.5 years have been so dark and difficult. It has been very hard to continue to make the right choices. But as I take stock in my life....Since that dreadful day...God has poured out blessings upon me and my family in all aspects of our lives. I'm looking forward to see whats to come.

My sister was asking me what I was doing after the baptism and basically grilling on when I would introduce her to everyone. I simply said...I have no idea how to do this, and would not be introducing her to anyone unless my 3 kids met her and approved. I'm pretty sure that while I like everything about her, it's till way too early for that.  Time will tell...


Another day close to something....

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #66 on: December 03, 2017, 05:57:07 AM »
I like your positive outlook and how things seem to be turning around for you.  :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Made

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #67 on: December 03, 2017, 08:01:49 AM »
Quote
kept looking at me and simply shaking their heads in disbelief. Her Uncle came to me and apologized

amazing, stay strong Super you are doing great, prayers for your whole family
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #68 on: December 03, 2017, 08:20:51 AM »
Mortesbride-- Thank you for that. I was not always the type of person who sees the world in a positive light. As a matter of fact I would say I was quite the opposite most of my life based on having lived in some very hard situations (left home for good at 12). I would say I have been working on this for a very long time and that BD really leveled me, and forced me to really see whats important in life. I also thing that the choice I made to join my children at church when they asked me has completely changed my life. This is not a solicitation for religion...but the more I have been involved, read, listened, watched and ultimately chose to engage and believe......The easier it has been to realize the truths. I see how the world views our religion and understand that from my own experiences....but I now have a different perspective on it as well. This church only teaches light, truth, love.

One of the things we often speak about in church is the struggles of the world...good v evil.....agency and consequence.....it makes sense to me to be able to see, feel, and recognize pure joy and happiness.....we have to have a knowledge of the opposite. I can honestly say that I have an understanding of sadness, loneliness, pain...and as I see my life through a different lens, those feelings help me to identify even the littles things that are good, light, truth and love. When you focus on good, you search it out, you act upon it (even when you don't want to)...you will create a life filled with it. Conversely the opposite is true when you focus on pain, darkness, suffering...you can create that as well.  I choose light..truth...love.. Thats the life I want to create.

I responded to the gals message this morning thanking her for the example she has been to me lately and I'm realize that I have a lot more changes inside to become the person I want to be.  She replied back complimenting me on who am I as well as sharing her perspective on the topic as well. I am quite sure this gal is completely out of my league....I am trying to see what God's lesson or plan is with our connection.   I guess the second guessing is some of my past bothering me...things this good can't happen to me? When will she disappear as well? I'm not good enough....blah blah blah I think we all are or have felt like that. Which is why I think its important to just simply be in the moment....soak it in....and simply trust the process.  What I do know is like the feeling I have right now, I enjoy the time we spend together, and I am willing to venture down this path to see where it goes.


Made-- Thank you. I really appreciate that. I am always holding a prayer in my heart for you and yours as well.

Another day closer to something.....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #69 on: December 04, 2017, 07:44:54 PM »
Women......even the ones you think are sane......are confusing.

So today the Gal sends me a text wanting to ask me a question---She is wondering if I am feeling a growing romantic connection between us? She says she thinks she is hitting a wall where she really enjoys spending time with me, enjoys our conversation, loved getting to know me better, and feels oddly invested in my children. She wanted to check in and see where I was at...lol

I simply responded...Dating is terrifying to me and I feel lost in the process...but for me the more time I get to spend with you..I find that I want more. I also complemented her on a few things, and let her know that I thought if she met my kids that she would love them, and that I thought my kids would really like her too.

Well she responded back....Even though you are terrified, I think you are doing a great job and I'm not just saying that. I really mean that. I don't know what my deal is, but how about if we plan to move forward with just a friendship. That way we still get to be in each other's lives, which I very much want. Without any pressure that should make it less terrifying for you. And with that in mind, would I be interested in going to a play on Friday night with me?

Like that was a little confusing right??

I replied back that I was scheduled to be out of town on Friday, but would enjoy going to a play next time. I said while things are terrifying for me (dating) that I am a reserved and bashful person by nature and respect her thoughts and feelings and will keep it that way. Time will tell why our paths seemed to cross.

The thing that seems to stick out to me is that several times she has asked me my opinion on having more kids. I replied that I really love kids but have no desire to raise them alone again and will be extremely cautious. So I think her body clock is going crazy right now and that since I move at a slower pace than most...it has caused her some issues.  I'm at a point in my life where I care more about a connection than I do about how fast things can get physical. I've found it's easy to find someone who wants to get physical, but a lot harder to find the right people to be around to form a lasting connection. So my guess is this is some weird test to see if I am who I say I am...or if I change and have misrepresented myself so far with our interactions. Seriously..we clicked on just about everything. She took her niece out for the evening and said she would reply later to what ever I said. So we shall see what that response is in a bit.

I'm not quite sure of the lesson I am learning here....but it is what it is...

Another day closer to something.......

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #70 on: December 05, 2017, 03:39:20 AM »
I think she is feeling you out for long term ness. You scared her by saying you were worried about dating, so she says you can go forward as friends because she still really likes you.

She is also asking if you would have more kids, because I assume she wants some in the future, and with you already having children she might feel you are 'done' in that department.

So I think she is feeling you out for a. do you want to take this more romantic, b. would you be open for kids WITH HER in the future.

She probably doesn't want to get to involved with someone who is looking for something casual, or who isn't interested in giving her children if that is what she wants.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Made

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #71 on: December 05, 2017, 07:47:08 AM »
Quote
Like that was a little confusing right??

I agree with Mortesbride, she is trying not to be confusing, trying to be straight up and to give you time.  I think that is all good but if she wants children sometime in the future and you don't > thats a deal breaker > and she wants to know rather than get emotionally attached. Its really early to start talking that way but it sounds like she is being up front and that is challenging but refreshing...
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #72 on: December 05, 2017, 05:24:42 PM »
Mortesbride---Made-- I really appreciate your feed back and comments. I think for us LBS... this is a stage that is very difficult to navigate especially for beginners like me. I was married at such a young age I really don't know how to date at all.

Her response this morning was basically-- Thank you for you opening up and being honest and willing to talk about things. She stated a few of her issues that she has in regards to her walls like how my approach to being cautious caused her to hit a wall in creating a romantic connection. She understands my hesitation in wanting to introduce my kids too early and also getting attached to early without my kids. She recognized I have been hurt deeply and suggests those wounds would be healed through a companion. She told me how much I have to offer and has no doubt that my walls will come down piece by piece. She then went on to tell me about her insecurities of not being enough and abandonment and a lot of it is connected to physical aspects.

She would like to continue building a friendship and that we have lots of things we can contribute to each other (she then suggested she plan dates for me). Finished off by thanking me for being open and honest to explore and communicate of these things.

I simply replied later.. Thank you for the kind words. For what its worth you are absolutely stunning..and way out of my league. The walls will come down because I want them to. I just want to do that right so that I, my kids, and everyone I impact daily will benefit. And yes I need all the help I can get in the dating world...

So it is what it is...I'm quite certain my lack of wanting to aggressively pursue her physically has triggered some feelings of not being good enough in her.  I have no problem continuing to develop a friendship because she is the type of person I want in my life and really can't go wrong. Will that lead to something down the road? No idea. Unfortunately that is up to her to decide now. lol

Busy day today... I just ordered a new truck for myself. It is super nice. The kids are excited because I will be letting them drive my current truck. I have not every got myself something so nice before in my life. I normal don't splurge on myself, but in this case I'm excited. It will help me offset my taxes I owe and with the miles I've been driving lately it will make those trips a lot nicer. Picking it up tomorrow afternoon or Thursday  :)

Well another day closer to something...

Offline Made

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #73 on: December 06, 2017, 12:45:49 PM »
awesome and super awesome
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #74 on: December 06, 2017, 08:05:13 PM »
Today was a busy day. We had the chairman of the board for our global company come for a visit to check in on all the projects we have going on right now and to look at several more potential sites. It went very well. We will continue to expand and grow and will probably fun 6 more sites next year.

The gal this evening gave me a call (normally we message back and forth with lots of time in-between) and we spoke for about 30 min. Again all kinds of topics arose and it was as comfortable and easy as ever. She started off asking about my day knowing the visit was important. Then started to tell me about how she stopped and picked up a woman and her children and gave them a ride (it was really cold here). She told me how she felt sad and wanted to help them as they were going through a rough patch and their story really pulled at her. We made a plan to find out more information and to try and help them if we could. The topic then changed and she said she was sad that I couldn't join her at the play Friday evening. It's her favorite (Aida). Telling all about the love story behind it and the music. We then started talking about the weather a bit and ended up talking about paddle boarding which is something she really likes to do and basically told me when the weather is warmer that we will be planning some time on the water together.  Maybe I'm looking into this more than I should...but it feels and seems a little confusing...going from wanting to help me with dating to basically planning time together for us. Of course I will  just see what happens...I think she is conflicted for sure. Giving me time and her as well to see if I am who I say I am, while playing it safe without attachment until its obvious one way or another. I might be totally wrong here....lol

So tomorrow we will talk some more and make a plan to at least do something to help this family. I suggested we look for a cheap car that will run so they can get around a little easier. I think that kind of shocked her. She was thinking what she could do for the holidays which is perfect..but I would like to help to life everyday up and make it a little better.

My kids have been planning my birthday for a while. They are putting a lot of effort to show that they love and care for me. We will have a good time tomorrow and spend it together. Nothing better than a day with them. I may even check them out of school so we can simply enjoy each others company.

I also started the audio book called "The Four Agreements"..very interesting information and theories on thought processes and perception and how to change it. So far I would recommend it to everyone here.

Another day closer to something....
« Last Edit: December 06, 2017, 08:37:18 PM by Superman »

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #75 on: December 07, 2017, 12:18:03 AM »
A LOT of us have read "The Four Agreements" in paper form  ;)

The concepts are interesting and, if applied, can help us to get our heads back on straight..
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #76 on: December 07, 2017, 05:04:58 AM »
A LOT of us have read "The Four Agreements" in paper form  ;)

The concepts are interesting and, if applied, can help us to get our heads back on straight..

Lol...my adhd doesn’t allow me to sit still long enough to read. I have to “multitask” or I go crazy.

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #77 on: December 07, 2017, 05:59:07 PM »
Today has been a great day. The kids woke up early and were excited to celebrate my birthday. They had some gifts that they had been planning for a while, which was awesome. Took D16 to school then me and D8 did our normal routine of getting a couple fresh donuts for breakfast while we just talked and enjoyed our time together before she went to school. Afterwards I went and got a bunch of errands completed, some work accomplished and returned home in time for them to get finished at school. D8 had a parent/teacher meeting after school. The first thing the teacher said to me was..."I have never met a kid so kind and helpful. She is the best mannered child I have ever been around" D8 just beamed with happiness. She is doing very well and is actually 3 grade levels ahead in reading, and simply thriving at school. It was a nice reminder of the important things in life..and if my kids are winning...then I am winning.

Later the kids and I went to dinner and my favorite place. It was very nice and peaceful. They then wanted to go to the mall so we did. While S18 and D16 went off together looking at stuff...D8 took my hand and decided to treat me to a few things. First...she took me to a massage chair where she bought me and her a massage...it was nice. Then she took me to a photo booth and bought me some photos of me and her. So awesome. After that she took me around to look at stuff until we ran into the other two. We eventually worked our way home where we are relaxing and enjoying our time together. I have to say...I am so blessed with these kiddos...They are amazing.

The gal and I exchanged a couple of texts this morning quite early. She wished me a happy birthday..then asked about the plans for the day...then said she would connect with the woman from yesterday and get back to me about a plan to help them out. I responded with telling her our plan for the day and haven't heard back since. So it was enough communication to see what was going on ...but then giving me space I suppose and not intruding on the day with my kids. My guess is it will be a late text and update or tomorrow.

I received a nice pm from a fellow lbs member here and exchanged a few words with her. Thanks again. I appreciate it.

Just another nice day all around.

Another day closer to something...

Offline No expectations

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #78 on: December 07, 2017, 06:59:32 PM »
 You're sounding really good,  Superman.  I'm sure it's awfully hard to get back into the dating scene, but you seem to be handling it well.

Happy birthday!  Sounds like a perfect day  ;)
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #79 on: December 09, 2017, 05:13:39 PM »
It's been a busy couple of days. Yesterday was a business trip of 500 miles round trip. I left home in the dark early in the morning and while traveling through one of the country's most dangerous canyon roads in the country..my headlights went out on my old truck (new one is still getting add on's taken care of). I drove for about an hour with fog lights and using my brights when able. Kind of crazy.  The gal reached out and sent me a text wishing me a safe trip. We got a lot accomplished on the trip, changed my lights out, and headed back later that evening in the dark. When I arrived home I messaged the gal asking how the play was.  She called me after it was over and we talked until she had driven home.  It was nice. So far today there has been no interactions as I have been super busy at work and just barely got home. I'll reach out this time and see what happens.  Maybe sometime next week we can meet up. We'll see how things go.

The kids are doing well. They seem very happy and are healthy while here at home. As a parent of this mess...thats all I could ask for.

Another day closer to something..

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #80 on: December 10, 2017, 07:38:43 AM »
I reached out to the gal and decided to invite her to a Christmas event that the kids and I are going to this evening. Inviting her to the event is kind of a big deal to me. This will be the first encounter the kids will have had with me meeting a woman that is not xw. I know that it has to happen at some point...but it still makes me nervous as can be.

She responded back...That it sounds like a great evening. She is waiting on a friend as they are planning on meeting a refugee family to asses their needs for the holidays and will let me know later. If the timing works out she will plan on coming.  Seriously this gal inspires me to be so much better. The other day stopping and giving a stranger a ride home and deciding to make a plan to help that family for the holidays and now refugees, and I'm sure a million other things that no one knows about. She is an angel to so many.  My guess is she may now press her friend to meet earlier so she can accomplish both. I'm pretty sure she wants to be there tonight. We'll see how things go.

Another day closer to something....


Offline Mortesbride

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #81 on: December 10, 2017, 12:37:47 PM »
Hope your evening goes well.  ;)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #82 on: December 10, 2017, 09:10:23 PM »
We just got home for the evening. I would say that it was a successful evening. The kids and I arrived 1st and selected some seats with a good view and easy access for her as she was traveling about an hour or so to get there. D8 stayed right with D16 with the gal sitting between them and I, S18 sitting on the other side of me. I talked with the gal and made sure to interact with her. D8 kept glancing over at her like she was invading her territory. LOL One point the gal asked if we should change the seating arrangements to which I replied "nah, I sit by them all the time. It's a nice change." ;) Everyone really enjoyed the performances, it was fantastic. Afterwards I mentioned I needed to wait around for the church minister to come say hi (I left early at my mom's performance and I think it bothered him).  The minister came over and I introduced him to her and the kids. He instantly started talking to her about all kinds of things. he was trying to see who she was, and if He approved lol. After a few minutes he then turned to her and wanted to tell her his thoughts about me-- He basically tried to tell her how amazing he thinks I am with his over the top southern minister style. It made her chuckle a bit. I then gave the keys to D16 and told them I would meet them at the truck and walked the gal to her car. I thanked her for coming and appreciated her company. She pulled out a few home made caramel candies that she said she brought for the kids. It was a nice gesture.  I gave her a hug and wished her a safe drive home.

While driving home she text to call her regarding the family she wants to help. So I called and talked to her about it. She updated me about the family and was hoping that D8 and I could provide things for the family's 8 year old daughter. She then told me she was going to put me on a budget so that I didn't go over the top as there will be others involved with helping this family and was trying to keep things within reason. I simply laughed and said I would try. I really didn't ask the kids what they though as I didn't want to put any pressure on them, and it was also the first time meeting her. In watching them I think it went well. When we pulled into the garage, D16 said..Dad..you forgot the glasses. The gal left her glasses in my truck when we went shopping a week ago. I replied yup. I'll have to get them to her next time.

Side note...S18 told me that XW now wants him to wait to put in his mission papers till after she gets married. Blah. I told him who knows how long that could take because I don't think she has any idea what has to happen for that to occur. I told him would just keep moving along. XW has not even hinted at helping him along with the goal of his mission. So that bothered me quite a bit. D16 chimed in and said...yeah mom told me she was never going to get married again and now look at her...

As for me, my nerves survived. The gal asked if I had received a hair cut and complimented me on it. We talked about going to a spa and how I like to get my hair cut there. She then asked if I had had a pedicure..or manicure before which I said no. She then said that would be a great date Idea, and she would put it on the list of dates she is going to make for me. (thats the weird part of this all--still talking about helping me go on dates). Over all I had a good time, enjoyed the event, and enjoyed the company.

Another day closer to something...

Offline Made

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #83 on: December 11, 2017, 06:34:05 AM »
sounds like a success, good for you Super!
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #84 on: December 12, 2017, 06:23:08 PM »
Well yesterday the gal and I had no contact at all. I was super busy at work and kids. So this morning I reached out and asked her if she had decided on my budget for the family we are helping for Christmas. She called me back on her way from the gym to discuss it. While talking she told me that she didn't want to do her hair and was going to wear a wig to her job. Yes that is not a typo...a wig. Obviously I was intrigued and asked for more details. Apparently she owns about 30 different styles and colors of wigs...and not clown or dress up wigs. Today she was wearing a bob cut red hair. I asked why as that seemed strange to me. She told me she likes to change the look and color of her hair but only temporarily and could never actually do that to her natural hair (natural blonde). I asked her to send me a pic and her response was only if I was good. lol

Later she sent me a pic of her while at her school. She looked different but nice. I told her that but said it all was secondary to her incredible smile because that simply lights up a room. W

Today I cut the final chords for XW...Her car that has been parked and broken for several months, I canceled the insurance on it and her, and also sent in a request to remove her from my family health insurance plan. Since she is engage to be married it is no longer my responsibility and have let go completely of it all. It was kind of a hard decision but I know was the right time as this thing is running its course.  FIL was shocked I was even doing that all these years.

Oh well...another day closer to something....

Offline Made

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #85 on: December 13, 2017, 06:15:58 AM »
Quote
I know was the right time as this thing is running its course.

yes
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #86 on: December 13, 2017, 09:21:51 PM »
Another busy day in my little world. Today FIL called me to see where I was working at for the day as he wanted to stop by for a visit and see the new truck. We talked for a bit about things and he expressed how he was happy for me and the progress I'm making. He then gave me a hard time about the gal...I guess while we were at the Christmas program D16 was texting him and his w the whole time. lol She told them that the gal was abnormally happy and she seemed nice. So a little progress there. After work I had to run D16 to a doctor check up. They are trying to keep tabs on her and her mental health. I stayed in the waiting room while she went in for the appointment and ran into XW's cousin and his family there. They are good people. We chatted for a bit until they had to leave. Later D16 needed to go to an orchestra concert so we scrambled to get her there on time.

The gal this morning sent me a text continuing our conversation from the night before. She added some jokes about her wig wearing could keep things interesting. lol She went on to tell me about her day and all the things she had to deal with. She is a special person and really tries to do good in the world. Tonight we spoke on the phone for a while. The conversation touched on many things. One of which was her wanting to know if the kids had talked about the other night and meeting her. She told me she was unsure how to handle the situation as the kids seemed closed off so she tried to mirror their behavior. I let her know that the kids were similar to me and once they opened up it would be a different story as they are amazing people. I told her that I felt like I was more of a challenge than the kids would be..she chuckled and laughed and agreed. We talked about dynamics of building relationships and I think she understands where I am coming from. The conversation let me know that she is trying to allow me to go at my own pace, which I feel is super important. It honestly was a great conversation.

I think tomorrow I will make a surprise visit to her. I want to see her again as its been a few days. I am really working hard at tearing my walls down one brick at a time. What a difficult challenge.

Well another day closer to something...

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #87 on: December 14, 2017, 03:16:43 AM »
Glad to see things are going well for you.

Surprise visits from the guy you are dating are always nice.  ;D
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #88 on: December 14, 2017, 05:17:23 PM »
Mortesbride--Thank you. 

So today was a superman win. I had a very busy day planned out and was able to fit in a surprise visit to the gal. On my way I stopped and grabbed an "edible arrangement" to drop off. Last time I was at her work her co workers told her I should have brought some flowers. So I think this is a win as its arranged to look like flowers, but is delicious to eat and who doesn't like that? The plan was to slip in quietly to her office and leave it with a simple note. I walked in and the office gals gave me "the look". I headed to her office where there were several students in there working, but she was not. So I quickly popped in and told the students I was simply leaving this here and for them to not say a word. As I started to leave, I heard her voice behind me and I was caught. She was surprised that I was there and I told her I was in a rush and dropped something off. She got the students headed off to their next place and then walked me out to my truck.  We talked for a bit and she told me there is no way she could wear a pencil skirt and heals and still be able to get in my truck. I said "if you really wanted to, you would figure it out." lol After chatting for a few minutes we both had to get back to our tasks at hand. Later she sent me a text saying that when she got back inside the office ladies had taken a screen shot of us talking and also sent her a text telling her to "kiss him" lol She sent another text telling me that I was very handsome.

I replied : "Thank you. You are gorgeous. Tell #$%# that I'm getting there" lol She liked that response. She then asked how the rest of my day was going and hoped I was able to get everything done. She thanked me again for the very nice surprise and appreciated the visit a lot.  Later on I sent a reply back..a pic of D8 next to a cart of groceries we were getting to help the struggling family out for the holidays. I told her I had enough time to take care of this and my side of the deal is finished. I think she about fell over that I had found time to squeeze it in. For me its the best part of the day being able to help others so I'll make time to take care of it. We arranged to meet Saturday as she will be near me for a family Christmas party and she will handle delivering the items afterwards.

It has been another great day. I continue on down my path that I create. I have been able to make an impact in so many peoples lives and I see that the way I carry myself and react to things is causing others to stop...and think. Be the change you want to see in the world......

Another day closer to something.....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #89 on: December 15, 2017, 08:46:59 PM »
This morning the gal sent me a message telling me I was in her dream last night. lol I was at her school with some women I started dating a week ago and was a woman that I used to dance with and she was a little jealous and was totally sizing her up thinking.."hmmm..I wonder what the kids will think of her?" lol She then asked if I used to dance with anyone and that maybe she was receiving revelation for me...lol

I replied...I have two left feet so I know it was just a dream. She replied she would have to figure out some other kind of meaning. A while later she sent me a link to a song that made her think of me...."Are you" by Arizona. It was a beautiful song with a message about caring for someone and wanting them to open up their heart. She then told me about her plans for the day and how busy she was. Later I listened to the song and thanked her for the beautiful song and message.  While running from one store to the next I called her and we talked for for a while. She wanted to know about my day and what I was doing. We talked about meeting up sometime tomorrow so I could get her the items. We will meet up at one of my locations as she will be in the area or possibly even meet at her family Christmas party (which I think she threw that out there to gage where I was) . So we shall see what happens tomorrow. Another good day. It's nice to have positive feelings each day instead of going on feeling like a robot. I actually feel like a human again and I think it scares me a little. I want to make sure that I'm not rushing into anything and I feel like I am not. So it's nice to start to gain control of emotions I haven't felt in years and years.

Time will tell what that means....

Another day closer to something...

Offline Made

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #90 on: December 16, 2017, 10:10:01 AM »
beautiful, esp. when you compare where you were to 4-5 years ago!
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #91 on: December 16, 2017, 07:13:36 PM »
Today the gal came and met me at my work to pick up the groceries we purchased to help out the family this Christmas. It was nice to see her again. We chatted for a little while and then she headed off to her family Christmas party. She left me a gift that she didn't want me to open while she was there...The card was very nice...Merry Christmas Superman! So glad our paths crossed again.I wasn't kidding about helping you navigate dating, so here is my first offering :) You're a wonderful man. Truly! Thank you for being such a kind thoughtful addition to my life.  So again a nice compliment, but as I base it off of our conversations that last few days I find it strange that she is offering to help me dating...unless that is her sign to say...hey buddy...right here! lol

After she left my staff started to give me a hard time because having someone stop by is not a normal occurance. They said "Superman, your girl friend is hotter than I would have guess" lol I simply agreed and said she is stunning for sure. I passed that on to her and she laughed and thanked me for agreeing.

Besides the nice card she gave me a couple of bundles of popsicle sticks..one with any time dates...one with shows with dates thoughout the year...one with restaurants...one with deserts....so they are date ideas that I can pull a stick and have an idea to help out my dating. lol Very thoughtful actually and I appreciate the time and effort. So I responded --Thank you for the thoughtful gift. Incredible. If you're up for it...I want to explore the dating world with you as a participant instead of a coach. There is simply something about you that makes me want more. I want no regrets.--We'll see how she responds to that.

Another day closer to something...

Offline Musica

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #92 on: December 17, 2017, 02:34:46 AM »
Wow!!  Life sounds great Superman!!  Just what you and our children deserve, love, light,  joy and happiness.

Have a wonderful Christmas and i know 2018 will be simply the best!! XxX

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #93 on: December 17, 2017, 10:57:54 AM »
Musica--Thank you. Life is what I make it and I'm trying to make it better by bringing down my walls to let the missing piece into my life. It's a lot harder than I ever imagined. Merry Christmas to you and your girls as well. You inspire me.


Well last night she called as she drove home from her family party. She wanted to discuss my text. We talked about a lot of things. She thought we were moving forward as friends to which I replied well I thought that as well until I really looked at our conversations and how they are opening up a lot more, and a lot more personal. She agreed and thought it was a little strange as well. She then asked me about mental illness and if I have ever had one (which I was surprised at the question). I told my experience of the dark days after bd (2 years) and how I struggled with it but that I didn't press it, or ignore it, rather than I accepted it and used it to better myself to get to where I am now. She went on to tell me that she struggles with depression and anxiety severely. There have been a few times where she would take medication to stabilize for a few months and how she manages it now with her schedule and routine (gym, sleep, nutrition etc). Which totally makes sense to me now as I see her schedule and couldn't quite understand it. I told her I have a lot more experience and understanding with those issues having gone through XW meltdown, and recently the struggles that D16 has been having. She asked me if that scares me to hear that which I replied no. I understand that these feelings come and go and that I can only support someone struggling with those feelings to be able to maintain and control them. Depression and anxiety don't bother me at all as I now know my role is not to fix it...but rather support through it. That response caused her to pause and think for a bit. She then told me a little more about her feelings of self worth in regards to relationships as they stemmed from choices when she was a young girl and those experiences trained her to think that she was only good for any object that in her head she is fearful that she is not good enough and her partner will become bored and abandon her which is why she struggles with relationships. I told her that I understand those feelings all too well being an LBS...especially and LBS with children that were abandoned by their mother. I then told her that I thought that my personality frightened her and she didn't realize it at all. She asked me to explained because she disagreed. I told her we met a year ago and after meeting for maybe 5/6 times she told me because I didn't advance things physically more quickly it wasn't working for her. Then we again chatting for a few weeks now getting to know each other the same thing happens. I felt that was very strange as things were going well, we communicate very well, personalities seem similar, but it wasn't enough time for me to decide if taking it to the next level was right or not. I said because I'm not like a lot of other men out there and I was more interested in a deeper connection first that it has frightened her and brought those feeling of worth to the surface. After I explained my take on things she quietly agreed. I told her I'm not trying to predict the future..run faster than I walk, or anything like that. I simply know that the more I get to know HER, the more of Her I want in my life and I want to have no regrets.  We chatted about a few other things, and ended for the evening. It was nice to have an honest real communication with someone instead of trying to guess.

This morning I thanked her for the open conversation last night, and wished her to have a fantastic day. She replied thank you, it was a vulnerable conversation for sure. She then told me that she had another dream about me and that we kissed....and her lips were really dry and she though.."wait...I can do better than that". lol We made tentative plans to meet up for a few minutes on Christmas Eve before she heads out of town for 2 weeks on a habitat for humanity trip.

So we have to people...both hesitant and fearful of what may be....attempting to take it one step at a time.  Seems about right to me.

Off to church with the kiddos now.

Another day closer to something...

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #94 on: December 18, 2017, 03:04:51 AM »
Quote
It was nice to have an honest real communication with someone instead of trying to guess.

WORD!

And, this really IS what it all comes down to... No games, no guessing....

Quote
So we have to people...both hesitant and fearful of what may be....attempting to take it one step at a time.  Seems about right to me.

One step at a time... that is all any of us can do...... If those steps take a bit longer with some, that is OK too...

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #95 on: January 04, 2018, 05:52:17 PM »
So I had to take a little break with the holidays. I really struggle with them and it gets a little overwhelming. So here is  a quick recap:

The kids went with XW on their Christmas break to Disneyland. I really don't like the surrounding events leading up to this and it feels as the trip was a means to "buy" their approval of XW choices. But I kept quiet and encouraged the kids to enjoy themselves and have a good time. This is the first thing XW has done for the kids in 6 years so naturally I question the motives. They made it home safe and sound and we celebrated Christmas when they returned.  It was very hard for me to have them gone. It was the first time they all have been gone as well. So I struggled. I realize I do need to address this issue as it is a part of our lives now, but it doesn't mean I like it. I stayed pretty busy at work and focused on a few projects to keep myself occupied. FIL called me several times wanting me to come and visit, and I had to tell him that I couldn't. Its not in the best interest of anyone for me to be around on Christmas Eve or Christmas when XW is engaged to marry someone else. I told him we would always have a special relationship and I would always be happy to help, but I would not be going to any family events as it is not the right thing. Our lives are no longer on the same path.

The Gal was also gone during the Christmas break. Her and a friend had scheduled a trip to help volunteer rebuilding flooded homes in the Gulf Coast. They spent the time in Alabama. We still communicated everyday. We made plans to spend a little time together when she returns before she has to return to work from their break. Before she left we met up for a few minutes on Christmas Eve so I could give her a little gift. I was headed to a church program that my pastor friend was presiding at. She thanked me for the thoughtful gift and told me that I looked very handsome in my suit. lol So we will continue our little friendship and see where it goes.

I'm glad the holiday season is now behind us and I can get back to somewhat of a routine. It makes it so much easier to deal with everything I have going on. I also realize that my routine is also responsible for me being stuck...to which I realize I need to get uncomfortable and get out of my routine so I can keep moving forward. WE DO NOT GROW BY BEING COMFORTABLE.  That is the thought that has been stuck in my head for a couple months now. So I'm putting my comfort zone on hold, and going to get uncomfortable in all areas of my life.....work.....fatherhood....family....friends....neighbors....inner self.....dating....etc.  I have also decided to make each day it's best. To have no regrets each day at the end no matter the circumstances I have to deal with that day. I will create the life I want by owning everyday and maximizing it. I think I have done a pretty good job of being positive through out very difficult circumstances....but if I'm honest with myself...I have definitely not maximized every day and lived everyday with no regrets.

So that is my challenge.......I expect to create a life I can't imagine. it's going to be amazing!

Another day closer to something......

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #96 on: January 07, 2018, 12:00:50 PM »
Friday night I visited the gal for a few hours at her home. We talked about her trip and what I did while the kids were gone for the holiday. She offered to make me something to eat as it was evening and I had been gone all day. It was nice. We ended up talking about her water softener as she had mineral deposits on her dishes and didn't know why. So I explained how those worked and told her she was probably out of salt in the brine tank and that her problem had been going on for a while. She was happy to learn something new about her house and home ownership. Afterwards we sat in her living room and did some brain teasers together which was kind of fun. It was a nice evening. I then had about an hour drive home before preparing for a business trip early the next morning for Colorado. When I was about half way home she sent a text thanking me for coming up for a visit. She said that it was a long drive for her to make me do brain teasers and I was a good sport. Wished me safe travels.  I responded..You're welcome, I enjoyed the time together. I forgot to ask about the books you and your friend were going to hand out, so maybe I can hear those stories next time.

Well there has been no response since then on Friday evening. Saturday I spent the day in Colorado working at my store and was back in the evening.  I kind of figured there would have been some kind of response. So I'm thinking I will just let it be until she reaches out to me again.

The kids I went to church this morning, and now making dinner and just enjoying time together here at home. Kind of nice to have such a peaceful atmosphere here at home and to see the kids just happy.  I have really tried hard to make each day its best and to have an impact on others. I still find myself battling moments of mental weakness where doubt, fear, darkness creep in, but I simply tell myself to change and focus on the good and to keep moving forward.

Another day closer to something....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #97 on: July 04, 2018, 09:34:23 PM »
Check in time.....

Time flies in mic world.......

Xw is trying to get married in a foreign country in September. She wants me to sign off on the kids’ passports so she can take them with her. I think my stipulation will be simply.....if anything happens to my kids because of her lack of attention or care....I will be on the next flight over and it will not be good. If she tries to keep the kids there..it will be the last time she breathes.  It’s a fear I have that she will try to keep the kids from me in order to hurt me since I have yet to react to her antics all these years.

Speaking of time.....bd was 6 years ago this month. Hard to believe that but it is what it is. Xw has still not spoken to me in years actually since bd it’s been a total of 4 hours of communication period. Xw also recently moved within a 1/2 mike of us. Pretty sure there will never be a break from it all

S19 is waiting to find out where he will serve his 2 year lds church mission. We should know the next couple of weeks. 

D16 is doing pretty well considering where she was last year. I’m so grateful.

D8– she is amazing and my little buddy. Turning into quite the young lady.

Myself- work is going crazy things are changing at a break neck speed and I’m not sure I like it or not. I miss the mom and pop feel and not a fan of corporate America...but I’m being blessed tremendously so I’ll see where it takes me.

Celebrating freedom with my kids...so blessed even dealing with this mess.

Another day closer to something.....

Offline Treasur

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #98 on: July 05, 2018, 01:03:19 AM »
And the gal?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Reinventing

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #99 on: July 05, 2018, 01:08:32 AM »
Superman,

Yes, more info! Thanks for the update!

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #100 on: July 05, 2018, 08:14:51 AM »
More info?? I'm assuming that is about the gal...

The gal retreated again. It was a weird situation as she told me I checked every single box on her list. Part of her retreat was I was not willing to move super fast, yet I was clear about my intentions and my journey  up front. I also think that some of the withdrawal was that it scared her a little that I was who I am, and I think her past experiences maybe left her waiting for me to not be who I said I was if that makes any sense.  We are friends and do chat every once in a while, but unless she makes a change in her thinking, then  a simple friendship is all it will be.  A good learning step for me.

Since the gal, I have not tried to date anyone else. I have kind of retreated a bit myself as well.

Who knew....that trying to pick the pieces of your life up and put back together would be so hard....

I have been so busy it has been hard to check in here, but I often think of my friends here and pray for the best for each and every one of you.  I will try to find time to update a little more often and check in with everyone.

Offline Reinventing

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #101 on: July 05, 2018, 10:10:22 AM »
Superman, better to be with someone who is a good match, especially if they want to move faster than you did.

Offline Blueblood

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #102 on: July 06, 2018, 02:00:06 AM »
Hey Superman,

It's taken you 5 yrs to get to this point, why the rush, keep friendly and maybe she will begin to trust you over time...I believe in friends, respect, trust and love. In that order.
M 15 @ BD
Me 50 W 45
D15 D13 D9 S9
BD1 Nov16 (not happy), BD2 May17 ILYBNILWY
PA yes

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #103 on: July 07, 2018, 07:56:20 AM »
Good advise team,

honestly I've moved past the gal quite easily as I move at my pace and that is that. For me this dating or single life is completely new as its been over 20 years and even back then I really didn't date very much.  I realize that life is changing again and it might be time to start to put myself out there a little, as I really don't want to be alone the rest of my life.

Offline Treasur

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #104 on: July 07, 2018, 08:35:29 AM »
I remember raising an internal eyebrow when I read about the date sticks/teaching you to date thing...that was the gal right? It just felt manipulative to me as obviously she wanted the two of you to date, something was off about it somehow. The world is full of good women, wise women like the LBS here, who will appreciate you as a good man who has stood up and faced adversity honestly without letting it kill his spirit. Who value going slow in the right way and not playing games at all...
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Made

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #105 on: July 07, 2018, 09:42:34 AM »
yes, move on - sounds like you already are - good on you Super. BTW you don't have to say yes to the foreign country thing - its her choice to be married there
Peace
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #106 on: July 08, 2018, 08:40:48 AM »
Made-

The foreign thing is causing me some grief.....deep down I know the right thing is to allow my kids to be there with THEIR MOM even though she might not be making the best decisions for her life.   My not wanting to let my kids go is more of a reaction to cause her pain and really does not serve the best interests of my kids....doesn’t make it any easier though.  As long as they are safe and cared for then it’s not in their best interest to keep them from her. 

How’s life been for you my friend?

Offline Blueblood

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #107 on: July 08, 2018, 01:48:00 PM »
Hi Superman,

Just my thoughts so please throw away as you see fit.

You have 3 kids I think, D7 (8) surely isn't old enough to make that decision and from what I read your XW hasn't played a prominent role so I think it could be quite an ordeal for her. I'd give her the knock back on that one. I suppose the others are old enough to make their own decisions and you allowing them this shows them the sort of character you want to instill in them.

Also I'm assuming XW is covering all costs including travel insurance etc.

BB
M 15 @ BD
Me 50 W 45
D15 D13 D9 S9
BD1 Nov16 (not happy), BD2 May17 ILYBNILWY
PA yes

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #108 on: July 08, 2018, 02:48:40 PM »
BB-

Yes I have 3 kids... they are very close to each other and are always watching out for each other.  There is no way I would let XW take D8 without the other 2. Not a chance. Allowing D8 to go with the other 2....is a totally different thing.   You're right there comes a time when you have to let them make choices for themselves. I do believe they watch and learn from everything we do.

You are correct...XW will be covering all the costs somehow. I'm only signing my name to their passport application and that is it.

Another day closer to something.....

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #109 on: July 08, 2018, 10:43:24 PM »
A new chapter...Clean and free to make your own choices and decisions!

Thats the something  ;)
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Offline Musica

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #110 on: July 12, 2018, 08:43:59 AM »
Hi Superman ... a quick visit for me to HS!

So do the children want to go to the wedding? ... or do they feel like they should, or there’s some pressure on them to go? Will any others of her family be going?

Have you thought about going to the foreign country yourself (staying elsewhere) so you’re near enough to get to them if they need you?

They’ll be fine together, I know they’re sensible kids, well young adults (except for D8) ... it may help your own peace of mind, to be just a hundred or so miles from where they are? Just a thought ... and you could have a holiday too!! X


Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #111 on: July 14, 2018, 09:49:20 PM »
update time:

So today while at work the kids started blowing up my phone, they were at home and in the mail came...S19 mission call. Basically it is the letter telling him when he will serve and where he is being assigned to serve. They wanted to throw a opening party and invite everyone over to see. Well I agreed but told them it was not going to be at the house as I did not want any of XW family over to my house..they are not welcome. So we gathered at the local church near our home and invited people over. I had to rush home from work to prepare for it and made it just in time. 

Secretly I was hoping they would ask him to report for his mission sometime next month..(XW is getting married sept in Scotland). Well he is going in the week after thanksgiving. I could hear her let out a sigh of relief as its so important that the kids are at her wedding even though she has been an absent parent for years now (go figure). So no divine intervention for me I guess, which means I need to really accept this and simply let go. Easier said than done for some reason.

Anyways.....S19 has been called to serve his two year mission in.......Cincinnati Ohio!. Interesting enough this week I flew out to Columbus Ohio for some corporate meetings.. I was quite surprised that he would go there. I am very proud of my son for choosing to do this. He will be spending 2 years serving the people of Cincinnati, and inviting them to know the things we know. Not only will he have a life changing experience, but he will change and impact the lives of those he serves.

This week I also went and signed off on them to get their passports. D16 and S19 don't need my approval I guess to get a passport so I only signed off on D8. It was hard to listen to XW try to put on a show to the receptionist helping them. What ever makes her feel better I guess. XW had all the funds to pay for it(probably from not paying her child support..) I simply sit here and think how she can even afford any of this as she has also not had money at all since leaving. The receptionist did ask if she was staying there, which unfortunately she replied she was not and would be returning to live here. I have a hard time understanding how the loser could simply marry her and then plan on living half the world away from his own children and family??? Something seems very off to me...time will tell.

The next few months are going to be a blur of emotions...there will be plenty of ups and plenty of struggles to follow.I simply tell myself we are on the right path..things will work out the way they are supposed to...I need only to continue to do my best.

Another day closer to something.....

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #112 on: July 15, 2018, 04:47:50 AM »
Hi Superman,

You are right things will work out the way they are supposed to. All you need to do is you.
You are on the right path!

It amazes me to about the money thing. When grasshopper was here last time he told me he didn't
have a lot of money. Yet has gone away on 4 vacations since Feb.

He must have a money tree that magically grew in OW's backyard ;)

Sounding good - only way out is through!

Smiles


Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #113 on: July 21, 2018, 08:32:13 PM »
The kids and I just returned home from a week long vacation. It's been a while since I've gone a vacation. It was needed. We took the camper and traveled south a few hours to some of the most incredible country in the world.  The first day after we were all set up, the girls wanted to go for a ride on the ATV. We headed up a nearby canyon that was incredible. Well after traveling for a while, I saw that the weather was changing and not for the good. A huge black storm was coming over the mountain so I decided to turn around and head back to camp. Well about a mile from camp the storm caught up to us and it was a torrential down pour. Heavy rain, wind, and even hail. It was a large microburst storm. Well as we headed down there were groups headed up which I was stunned because the weather was unreal. We made it back to camp and the storm lasted about an hour and half. After the storm we went out and saw all the flood damage from flash flooding. The trail we were on actually ended up washing away shortly after we passed by. The small town not far behind had a lot of damage with mud and water up to about 3 feet high. We spent the evening trying to help people dig out the mud and start to clean up from the storm. The locals said they haven't seen a storm like that for nearly 30 years. The rest of the week went pretty good. Likes of trail rides on the trails that weren't damaged from the storm. We saw plenty of historical places....Indian artifacts and dwellings, ancient rock paintings, old mines sites, and just amazing views. We are truly blessed to live in the area that we do as it is unreal.

The kids had a great time, and I had a great time. Nothing better than getting out in nature and unwinding for a bit. The minute we came home, XW pulled up to take the kids to a movie and what not. So strange the effort she is putting in to the kids to get them to approve of her choices. She is definitely buying a relationship with them, and it's hard to watch. She basically gives them everything they want anytime they want it, and it really changes their behavior when they spend time with her. It takes a few days to get them to return back to how they normally are here at home. Like...they argue with each other more, have some attitude, talk back ect. After a few days away from XW..they are back to the kids I know....helpful,friendly, playful, great manners, ect. It was very apparent from the week leading up to the trip, and then the week of the trip.  The only way I know how to navigate this is by continuing the things I have been doing these past 7 years raising these kids. I think it is so important for the kids to see a different way to live, and to stay consistent with the values, and traits that have got us to where we are.  It always makes you question yourself when you see these things happen....my biggest fear is that my kids will end up repeating the cycle and doing this again later in life.

On another note....I have been approached by a gal who lives near us and goes to the same church as us. She is recently divorced with kids. Her position in the church recently just changed from being a leader of the teenage girls to helping with all the younger children. Well she brought some cookies over as a thank you, and we ended up chatting for a bit. Today she text me a reminder for D8 for an assignment D8 signed up for church tomorrow. She then followed up the text asking if I like to go running...lol. Well we messaged back and forth for a while and it seems that we are going to go running Monday morning.  I'm really trying to get out of my shell and simply just go with things. I realize that I need to start to open up more, so even agreeing to simply going running is a step in the right direction. I guess we will see how it goes. I have to start somewhere....

Another day closer to something.....

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #114 on: July 22, 2018, 06:13:03 AM »
Enjoy the run...don't fall over in the bushes! :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #115 on: July 23, 2018, 05:59:01 PM »
Well...we went running. We had some good chats along the way. She asked a lot of questions about a variety of topics. She definitely seems like a great gal and it was nice to spend some time with someone. While jogging she told me that her mom had told her to take me out to dinner a couple of years ago, she told her that I was still wearing my wedding ring. I told her that I never took my ring off until my divorce was finalized as that was more between me and god than anything else. She asked me if I was still in love with my XW and I replied that I would also have some level of love for her, but if she came knocking on the door I don't think I could let her back in as there had been way too much damage go on. I told her I would always help her if I was asked, but I couldn't go back. She seemed to understand my point there and respected that. Her parents are really great. I've spoke with them a few times over the years at church and they seem like a great family.

 Afterwards I messaged her and thanked her for inviting me out and that I had enjoyed the time. She replied back the same basically. Later in the day we exchanged a few more messages regarding a small business she would like to try to start so I gave her a few suggestions and ideas on how to maybe start it and it be manageable until it can reach a point of scaling up.

All in all I think it was a good time. I guess the ball is in my court for the next time.

My kids were all kinds of curious as I left in the morning as its not something I normally do. I didn't give them too much information because I don't feel like they need it. I told them maybe down the road I would give them more depending on how things go. I think my kids are excited that I am getting out even though they know I'm more reacting to others than going out and initiating the contact myself. But hey....you got to start somewhere...lol

Another day closer to somethings....

Offline limitless

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #116 on: July 23, 2018, 08:57:42 PM »
Superman,

Good for you.  She sounds really nice.

Yep.  Next step is yours. 

Hugs.

L
M -58,  ExH - 64 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 28, D -24, S - 24 (only S 24 at home)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
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Online UrsaMajor

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #117 on: July 24, 2018, 02:01:23 AM »
Superman,

I am FULLY behind you wrt what you tell the kids and what not. They have enough turmoil in their lives (yours are older than mine) and, quite frankly, we (as the parents) are responsible for them, not the other way around. Of course, they ARE curious, especially if they see us with a different "mood" or vibe. As you said though, it isn't any of their concern at this stage.... Going out with a friend running is not exactly an engagement...

I can also very much appreciate your answers to the lady re: your x.... I have said something similar : that I will always have compassion for the mother of my kids. After all, I have them because of her. If she is in need, I would help if asked but I am no longer the Fixer that I used to be... and like you, the door has been closed as a result of her actions and choices. If the person on the opposite side of this discussion (be it a woman for us or a man for our female counterparts here) can not understand that situation, then it is a sign (in my mind) that they may not be right for us. Just because we do not virulently despise our former spouses, doesn't mean that we are still in-love with them either but maintaining respect and cordiality for the sake of our kids....

Of course, for those who have Monsters, this is a different story.

In answer to your question though, yep, the ball is in your court now... Hot Potato! You're it!


Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #118 on: July 24, 2018, 06:10:55 PM »
L- So far she seems nice to me as well.  I think we attract what we put out in the world. If so, then it's simply another confirmation that the life I'm leading will take me where I need to be. No need to force fit anything or anyone.


UM- Thanks, I realize that in my life...I will not hide anything. Ever. It is what it is...I am who I am.... I sleep well at night knowing how I live my life and treat others...XW included.


The gal and I have been messaging back and forth all day talking about a lot of things. The ball was in my court so I invited her to dinner on Friday night.  One of my fav places and one she had not been to before. She then told me I had to go running with her again next Monday morning. So conversation has been natural and easy. We both understand a little of the others situation (while she never dealt with mental illness or life crisis) she did deal with a few other things. Gal seems easy to talk with and simply easy to be around so that is good. 

Another day closer to something.....

Offline limitless

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #119 on: July 24, 2018, 07:19:00 PM »
Superman

Your post made me smile. 

Just enjoy it.  Take the time it requires.  No rush. 

As old pilot says, you have the rest of your life. 

Hugs


L
M -58,  ExH - 64 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 28, D -24, S - 24 (only S 24 at home)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
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Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #120 on: July 25, 2018, 07:19:05 PM »
L-

Thanks-- I am in no rush at all. It is what it is......


Well T (the gal) and I messaged back and forth more today. She was giving me a hard time about how I don't like to run. Trying to convince me that I need to like it for multiples of reasons.....like to be able to run away from zombies when there is a zombie apocalypse.  I replied zombies don't run and so neither do I.  Well she is trying to get me to commit to running with her each Monday morning...We shall see.

Work is changing again, coworker/boss of 25 years is leaving our organization. I was kind of surprised by the news actually. The circumstances were a little strange and if the details are what he claims they are...I'm not sure how much longer I will want to work for corporate America....but in the mean time...it will be an opportunity to advance and grow. I will be taking over the operations of our region and overseeing 12 stores and any future expansion in the region. Not the greatest way to advance, not the worst way either. Our team is getting smaller and smaller. There is only one other person that has been there since the beginning and I told him if he leaves...then I will be leaving too.

I guess it might be time to start figuring out what might be next....I've never seen that path very clearly but I have taken the steps to position myself to be ready for an opportunity. So I'll keep doing that...maximizing what I have while positioning myself for an opportunity when it comes my way.

Another day closer to something....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #121 on: July 27, 2018, 10:17:07 PM »
Update time-

Went out to dinner with T like planned tonight. I arrived a few minutes early to pick her up, and when I knocked on the door her middle child answered.  I said hi, but before anything else could get out she had already knew why I was there and turned and ran off to get her mom. It was cute to see the look on her face. This kid walked her mom out the door and I could tell was the protective child looking out for mom. The other 2 children I never saw or heard but knew they were there. 

I took her to one of my favorites places. We had a great time at dinner. This time she opened up and instead of asking me a lot of questions, she told me more about the experiences she had been through. I think it was a relief for her to know that someone actually understands. I can tell she is learning from her experiences and for sure in the end it will benefit her.  While at dinner, her middle child called her on the phone, partially to let her know about something...mostly I think to check on her. I liked that she was checking up on her. We chatted for a while and then headed back to her home where she stayed and chatted with me in the truck for a while about all kinds of things. Again middle child called to check on mom...she knew we were simply outside chatting but was making sure she was ok.

We left the door open for a next time without anything concrete. Once I arrived home I sent her a message thanking her for her time and that I really enjoyed her company. She took that and replied suggesting we get together again maybe for a hike or something no pressure when we have time. I agreed and said that would be fine. While walking the puppy you can see the red blood moon and mars in the sky and I mentioned to her to check it out. She replied that I should have came back by (which I thought was a little strange) so I replied-- Well that would make me the creepy weird stalker type, and that I could be patient and wait till the next time. She got a laugh from that. So till the next time.

All in all and good interaction and if anything, I am slowly learning how to become more comfortable in those situations. No expectations...one step at a time...and let it all play out the way its supposed to.

Another day closer to something....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #122 on: July 29, 2018, 08:14:24 PM »
Today was just me and D8 at church. S19 was sick, and D16 spent the night at her cousins house. At church, T did not arrive at the beginning as usual. Her parents did, so I assumed she was having issues with her kids or taking them for a visitation. During the service I kept see her mom looking over at me and D8 and was noticeably watching what we were doing. Again I assume that T has been talking about us to them (which I would find strange if she wasn't). I kind of prepared myself for them to come start a conversation after church service, but that did not occur.  After the service D8 and I went to our class (S19 and I are the teachers for D8's class). I ended up see T shortly after. I guess her son woke up pretty sick so she stay home the first hour of church and then her mom went home and traded her off. We talked for a bit after church was all over and I confirmed that I would go running with her again in the morning. She was pleased about that and said she didn't think I would do that again.

Once home we continued messaging through out the day. She shared a few more details about herself and asked a few more questions of me. She was curious how I was able to learn how to do the girls hair and different styles and how I handled shifting to a world of baby dolls and princesses lol.  We both had the same idea to make our families for dinner today as well which mad eye laugh a little. Today I made chicken and also cheese enchiladas for dinner. D16 came home and started taking over saying she would do stand that I didn't know what I was doing.lol I had to remind her I had been cooking her dinner for 7 years now nearly daily and cooking enchiladas was a piece of cake. I did appreciate her help as it made it that much easier for me.

After dinner I took D8 with me to the store to get ice cream. While walking back to the truck D8 said she saw mom and wanted to go say hi before getting in the truck. I said no problem. When I looked up, I noticed that the loser was getting out the of vehicle too. Blah. I really don't like the fact that I have to get used to "running" into them everywhere. I did nothing wrong, yet I feel so awful and gross when I see them. XW walked D8 over to my truck, she did not look good at all to me. I tried to tell myself she is getting the life she created and that I needed to focus on the life I am creating and let it all go. Our lives are polar opposites when you look at it, and I'm grateful I'm not in her shoes. That encounter made me quickly think back to how I met T and have been slowily talking and building a friendship and relationship with. Again totally opposite approach from XW, with totally opposite results. T is definitely someone I would say is completely out of my league, but the way things are coming together sets the stage for something special if thats whats meant to be.  XW has herself a alcoholic bum without a job that is running to the other side of the world from his family....

All in all...the more time I spend with her the more I find myself wanting to. She has a positive energy about her that is hard to describe but that is amazing. Maybe we both needed to go through some very difficult things to have our paths cross? Time will tell...

Another day closer to something....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #123 on: August 01, 2018, 06:25:38 PM »
Little update...

T and I are still chatting quite frequently throughout the day. She has been sharing details of what she is doing and plans ect. Yesterday I had to go on a day trip to my store out of state and we chatted back and forth most of the day. Well today back in town and trying to get caught up on all the things I have to do...I had a friend from here message me a couple times and when I opened my laptop to reply to a message about how my new friend T is.....I accidentally sent the reply to T.  Basically the message said that we have been chatting back and forth a lot but it was weird when she told me she might have friends she could set me up on a date with.

That reminded me of the last gal last year that basically did the same thing. The more I got to know her..then things started to get weird and she disappeared.   I felt pretty bad once I had realized my mistake for a couple of reasons:

1- she had told me of her previous experiences where she caught them doing shady things and this could easily be seen like that.
2- I'm not like that at all and it really bothers me because I actually am honest and care about people.

I appolgized and explained the situation. One thing going for me is that the day before I again opened my laptop and it was very slow and when I typed my password in I actually sent T my password as a message. She thought that was funny.

Well she replied basically saying it was ok, and that she was sorry she had said that to me in the first place and kind of assumed when she started talking to me that I didn't like her like that anyways. (I think that was the bait to get me to verbalize that I do in fact like her)

Well I took the bait...lol...I replied that it really did bother me as I do care. To me building a go strong friendship is the start of something more and that the more I talk to her, and spend time with her, the more I find myself wanting to. I let her know that I do like her a lot, I'm interested to see what happens, when ever that happens, how ever long that happens to take. (I told her I am in no hurry to rush into anything at all)

So crazy how things happen.... I really need to slow down and let my brain catch up to my feet......

MLC news.....lol......XW sent me a text today....first communication in a very long time.....it was about D8 asking if I had registered her for school and if not she could go do it as she had a few minutes. This is the first time in 7 years she has bothered to even help...problem was...there was no mention of asking to help D16 get registered for school (that costs money and D8 does not). I replied not to worry as Ive done every year It was already taken care of.  Loser is in town and XW starts to pretend like she cares and is a mom...go figure.   I really think that she is trying to maneuver to get custody of D8 so she can feel like a happy little family once she is married, My gut instincts tells me that is what is happening, so I am making sure that there is no way that will be a real possibility. I mean she is way behind on her child support, she never fulfilled her obligations when D16 was in the mental hospital, she has done nothing to help S19....and the paper trail proves it all.  Nice try MLC're....Ive seen your playbook before...

Another day closer to something...

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #124 on: August 02, 2018, 03:16:36 AM »
Yeah these Mlcers don't help themselves on the whole custody situation.

Mine basically sees his kids 2 times a month. Good luck convincing a judge you want 50/50 when you spend 2/30 with them.  :o
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #125 on: August 02, 2018, 04:26:40 AM »
Your sounding good superman and T sounds like a gem. Slowly does it mate  ;D
You forget the MLCer BS, shes bonkers like the rest of them. Running into "them" is hard, been there and done that but I guess that is where we are now. Make the most of what you have, you have way more than your MLCer does for sure.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #126 on: August 02, 2018, 01:41:25 PM »
MB- It truly is baffling when I step back and simply watch...If I didn't live it...I wouldn't believe it

Whyus- Thank you...I feel pretty solid and know where I'm headed. My life is up to me to decide....T so far is the right type of person and your right, time is also on our side in this case.

We are meeting up tonight to together and have a good time. The emphasis was on having fun. She checked up on us to make sure we got our errands ran so I would have free time to hang out with her.

We'll see how it goes and update afterwards.

Another day closer to something........

Offline limitless

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #127 on: August 02, 2018, 06:04:31 PM »
Superman

Just a word of....no not caution...maybe of advice. 

This woman has really put herself out there.  Knowing how many of us LBS are, another potential person in our life would really have to make an effort to start something, as many of us are so shell shocked, we aren’t even aware when another makes veiled attempts at us. 

She’s really put herself out there.  I know that I’ve stated this twice.  Please don’t let this rattle you. 

It’s that pursuit and distance.  I’m sure you remember this.  I don’t know if you are a distancer or not.  She’s clearly a pursuer. Or she is allowing someone else to talk her into acting the pursuer.

Don’t allow yourself to be rattled by it.  Don’t let it put you off.  Do some pursuing of your own. She’d probably appreciate it and it would validate some things for her.  It’s not an easy thing for many women to initiate things like she has. 

To share a bit of what’s happening for me, I’m seeing someone else for the first time since 8 years ago when my ex left.  This relationship was initiated by me.  At this moment, I fear rejection or that I’ve put myself too much out there.  Except for my experience in the past, I have zero reason to feel or think this way.  I maybe afraid to let myself care.  I’m not sure.

Just something I wanted to share with you. 


Hugs. 

L
M -58,  ExH - 64 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 28, D -24, S - 24 (only S 24 at home)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
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Online UrsaMajor

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #128 on: August 03, 2018, 01:35:18 AM »
VERY asute observation Limitless!

Thanks!
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #129 on: August 03, 2018, 09:22:29 PM »
L- That is a great comment! Thank you for that. I do realize that she put herself out there...I rejected her 2.5 years ago. We talked about that as well. I am pretty sure I have clarified exactly where I am at, and I will not be pushed into something. I will go as I can handle and feel, which may take a very long time...who knows? I don't. I just know I've been through some of the worst things possible, and it takes time to heal from that. I told her if someone can't see that and be there in the end...I'm ok with that because we each have our own journey in healing from drama. It's individual and not worth rushing through.

I think my role in the pursuit/distance right now is that I am being 100% authentic and open and honest about everything. Every question I have answered painfully truthful because it not only helps me heal....but it is the foundations of anything that may be..

I'm certain as I get more comfortable I will pursue more and more.

After dinner last night we went back to her place and sat outside chatting on the porch for hours about all kinds of things. Her kids kept coming in and out partly to check on us, partly for attention. They were fun and cute. While talking she told me why she "searched" me out and approached me again:

Basically a month or so ago she was doing a lot of thinking about things and while not wanting to end up alone, not wanting to rush into something and make the same mistakes as before.  She prayed to God telling him that she didn't believe that all men were like the experiences she has had, and like a lot of the stories or rumors that everyone likes to share. Not all men are liars, cheaters, abusers even though that was her reality.  She said to God why can't I fins someone like my dad who is amazing and caring.....Then the thought came to her quite clearly in her mind.....Why can't I find someone like Superman? Her thoughts went to how she has seen me at church every week with my kids for the past 3 years, seen how caring and involved I am with them....while hearing a little of my story from others...she wanted to hear more about it and see if we could be at least friends. She wanted to know why I do what I do, how I have dealt with what I have etc.  So she followed that prompting and took a chance to talk to me again.  Well at the same time I am feeling that while life is going pretty good for me I am missing a huge part of that. I had the thoughts for the past few months that while I am not really wanting to go and "find" someone....that I needed to be open to where ever God lead me on my path. Not to stay so closed off as to miss an opportunity that comes my way. So that Sunday at church I so wanted to simply say no and run away...I knew I had promised to open up a little and let things just happen which is why I agreed.

Right now...I am grateful for that decision as she is terrific and we seem to connect well. She understands where I am at and has told me when I said it felt similar to the last gal when she "disappeared" that she had no intention of disappearing and was interested in building the connection. So you can call it what you want....but I have had too many experiences in life to think that this is simply a coincidence...I am smart enough to know what it is right now, but I'm also smart enough to know that God has simply let our paths cross...again....Now its up to us what happens with that....

Well we ended up talking for about 5 hours until about 1 am before I headed home. When I got home S19 and D16 were up waiting for me. S19 quickly went to bed and D16 appeared to want to talk so we talked for an hour or so about things. I told her how things went and alot of the things T and I talked about. I let her know that I enjoyed talking to her that we connected pretty well. I told D16 a little bit of what T and her kids have had to deal with. D16 seemed to start to open up a little. D16 understood how I felt when I said nobody really understands what we have gone through, and D16 agreed and said most people start to just stare in shock and so she doesn't talk about it anymore. I told her that T seems to have a better understanding because of her experiences which cause D16 to pause and think for a bit. I was clear with D16 what was going on..and how I was in no hurry to rush it along. I want D16 to be clear on that as to feel apart of the process because to me...my children do have a say in the people I involve in our lives. This isn't only about me... D16 appreciated the honesty for sure, and it was clear by her engagement and participation in the discussion. So we shall see...

T and I have been communicating all day. She thanked me for last night and let me know she was interested again if and when I was. I replied of course I was looking forward to it. She then told me her kids thought I was very nice and that they approved. lol
When I picked her up she was waiting for her mom to return from the store to watch the kids and I over heard them talking in the kitchen...the mom "Oh, he is a really nice looking man" T "mom,...shshh...he's standing by the front door" lol

One day at a time.....

Another day closer to something....


Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #130 on: August 07, 2018, 09:19:09 AM »
It's been a good couple of days in Superland....Sunday church went well. Between one of the meetings, T's parents I could tell were wanting to talk to me lol. We passed in the hall and her mom called me by name and said Hello and her dad (kind of caught in the moment simply said "that's a nice tie" lol as I reached to shake his hand. I then left to go teach my class of little 8 year old. D16 came up to me and said the T approached her and asked her if it was ok that she was spending time with me and hanging out. D16 not really wanting to talk to her simply said "it's fine" but afterwards immediately came and found me to tell me. lol  I thought it interesting that T would do that...Later she told me that she didn't want it to be awkward at church or wherever they might see her so she thought it best to simply just open up the dialogue.

Monday morning we went running again. D8 really wanted to come with me so I woke her up as she requested the night before and she rode her bike along side of us while we ran and talked. It was good. T would ask D8 questions every now and then to include her and I thought was good.

So things are still progressing at a comfortable pace. We are going to try and grab some dinner tomorrow night and enjoy each others company before she heads out of town for the rest of the week.

Other news.... D16 has been going to a weekly art therapy class all summer. Well the therapist called yesterday wanting to set up a one on one appointment with her to discuss a few thing she has noticed.  I started asking a lot of questions to which they did't really want to answer (privacy laws). I ended up telling them that basically if I didn't know the direction of things, then they would not be meeting with D16 as we have been through a ton recently and I was not going to go down that road again. I told her that I am looking out for D16's best interests and D16 and I have built a trust regarding her issues and struggles. Well finally late in the day the therapist called me back and gave me the info I was asking for. I then agreed to have D16 go for a visit as after hearing the explanation I thought it could be a positive thing for her.  I'm having XW take her to the appointment and they will update me afterwards. XW got a message about it as well and called me freaking out (maybe her demons will surface??? eh doubt it). I let her know what was going on and the purpose of it all. We actually had a 10 minute conversation....the first one in several years.....like I find that nearly unbelievable that she will not talk to me at all even about our kids. But hey...it is what it is...its been 7 years of this now, and unfortunately I am more than used to it and expect it.

Ah well....

Another day closer to something....

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #131 on: September 13, 2018, 08:00:27 PM »
Update time....

So its been a little while since my last post.  My life moves at such a rapid pace its crazy when I stop and think about it. S19 is getting ready for his church mission...he heads to Cincinnati OH right after Thanksgivings. We have a lot of things to do to prepare for it. He is getting nervous but is excited and so am I.

D16 is doing very well so far. School she has been to full days of school everyday since it started. With how things finished last year, I thought no way was that possible yet. She has a plan, and is trying her best. Super impressed with the fight this gal has in her.

D8- is amazing. So smart...so kind.....so energetic. We recently signed her up to attend Hula classes just like D16 has been doing for a couple years. D8 was super excited about it.  She did a great job. She is also learning how to play the piano, and at school is simply incredible.

As a parent......I am truly blessed. My kids are healthy, happy, and thriving in the midst of all of this mess.

As for me.....recently one of my co workers that has been with us since the beginning decided to quit. That leaves basically 2 of us left since we sold our company. I'm am starting to not like the corporate side of things, and really miss the mom and pop style of business we had for the past 2 decades. Well on one of my trips out of state, I happen to stumble across a business that I had been watching.....and when I visited it, I noticed how this business in the middle of nowhere was basically copying everything we do. Very weird to see. Well as I looked closer, I saw the previous owners son come walking over to greet me. They were shocked that I had found them. They are starting a new company and based off of agreements have had to keep it very quiet. Well I promised not to talk about it as that would cause some legal issues for them.  They told me the plan and that if I wanted to join up with them I would have a spot on the team. They told they weren't quite ready for that yet, but wanted to make sure we had options as they also didn't like the way our business was headed under corporate control. What a surprise. I was asked to stay quiet for 3 more weeks until a few things fell into place. Personally I think this may be a great opportunity to buy in and then have a chance to really grow a business and change my future. The hard part is that with my job now I am basically 2 spots below the CEO and positioned to be in a great place financially with them going forward too.  But you can't walk two paths for very long....eventually you have to choose a path and go with it.

T and I are still spending some time together. She is fantastic. Very kind, energetic, and stunning. I have simply allowed things to blossom as naturally as possible and I find myself really enjoying her company. Her kids seem to like me, and my kids like her as well. D8 actually is always asking to go play with them and that is nice to see.  The other night we all went up the canyon and had a campfire where we roasted hot dogs and made smores. Around the fire we told stories and simply had a great time all around.

The kids told me that they leave October 15th for a week to go with XW across the globe for her wedding to the loser in Scotland. I'm not excited about it at all but it is what it is. While they are gone, I am trying to plan to remodel my house...new paint, new carpet, new furniture. That way when they come back it will be one more step into the life we want to create instead of the life we were trying to survive.....

count my blessing...every day....one by one...

Another day closer to something.....

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #132 on: September 14, 2018, 02:12:22 AM »
Nice to see an update from you!  Sounds like things are progressing as well as could be expected.

Scotland, huh?  Boy, when they run, they REALLY run, don't they...

Maybe they can get these guys to play at their wedding... <snort>

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Musica

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #133 on: September 14, 2018, 03:34:00 AM »
Life is sounding good for you Superman I’m so happy for you 🙂🙂

I think October in Scotland will be cold with a high possibility of rain and mist. How not romantic. Sorry your kids have to make such a long tedious journey for what will be a seriously non event for them. I truly feel sorry for them having to endure that.

Your plans all sound so good 😎
Take care xxx

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #134 on: October 29, 2018, 07:23:12 AM »
How's things going?
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #135 on: December 16, 2018, 04:35:43 PM »
update time---

Well a lot has been going on here in Superman Land. First off...the kids went on their trip with their mom to Scotland. They were safe and had a good time. Mostly site seeing and driving around. Apparently there was no wedding....go figure.

Both girls had birthdays that went good. XW is definitely trying to get more involved with the kids...more on her in a little bit. D17 did have some trouble at school... a special needs kid has a crush on her and she doesn't know how to set boundaries with people very well...anyways this boy progressively got closer and closer to her personal bubble until he crossed the line. He started to touch her, say some inappropriate things, and even a text. In most cases it honestly isn't a big deal except that D17 just is full of anxiety at school to begin with and really can't handle confrontation so it made for a tricky situation. Of course the moment I heard about it, I went with her to school to address the situation and handle it. Eventually it all worked out and D17 learned a little I hope. She seems to have rebounded and is doing well at school. D9 is doing great. Starting to get a little of the preteen sassiness, but over all she is great.

S19 just had his mission farewell. Well Xw was trying to put on a show that she is this doting mom that has helped her son along the way. Well she was supposed to plan the luncheon after the church event, and the day before sent me a text asking what I could do to help?????lol This after I was told she was taking care of it all. Well I ended up basically doing it all which I wasn't surprised but I sure was mad. XW brought the loser along to the events too...so he came to my church as my son and I spoke, then was at the luncheon afterwards as well. While at the luncheon I was talking with D9 the loser came up to me and tried to talk to me. I was already mad about it all so I blew him off very fast. I think he tried to pay me a compliment by saying that I had done a good job with my kids. I could see and sense his nervousness but honestly I was angry and basically ignored him.  When I think about it, he really tried to do the right thing...the timing was just awful. 

2 days later when S19 was ordained to be a missionary, that was held in the evening at my house. S19 invited a few people for the occasion, well guess what.......XW brought the loser along. So the loser was sitting in my home for an event that is very personal. Again I was so angry, but honestly. it was not a place that I could really say something and start an issue. I had to keep myself focused on the purpose and that was what my son was about to commit the next 2 years of his life to do. Unreal the swings of emotions I was dealing with in trying to keep my composure. I simply wanted to out XW for her not being a mother to my kids the last 7+ years and I so wanted to toss the loser right out of my house. Instead I took the hight road...FIL who was there afterwards told me he appreciated my effort in keeping things going instead of reacting to the situation. He understands what I felt.

The next day we dropped S19 off at the MTC (missionary training center) for him to start his 2 years of service. It was very emotional and hard. S19 has emailed a couple of times (they get to email family and friends once a week for 2 years) and he seems to be doing very well. He is excited to be there and to learn. Today is his last day there and tomorrow he flies out to Cincinnati Ohio to spend the rest of his time serving others and teaching them. I am super proud of him. The hardest part has been adjusting here at home without him. He brought such and energy and light into our home and things are really different now. We will get to talk to him and FaceTime him on Christmas and Mothers day. So about a week till we talk to him next. I am very proud of him for choosing to serve a mission. He left a boy...and will return home a man.

As for me its been quite wild as well. Besides having to deal with all this crap and having the loser around.....a couple days after I dropped S19 off I was heading to CO for a day trip for business when traveling through the canyon a large boulder came off the side of the mountain and landed in the road right in front of me. There was not enough time to avoid it as there was oncoming traffic as well. The boulder sent my vehicle airborne across traffic and when it finally came down I had just enough time to yank on the wheel to steer it back before it could have gone off a 200 foot drop off to a frozen river below. Somehow I did not go off the cliff, or roll the truck. Unfortunately  my new truck was severely damaged. I was blessed for sure though because if I was in a smaller vehicle I'm sure I would have died. No question about it. So I am working that situation out now.

The gal and I have had a few really good months getting to know each other. I have been letting my walls down slowly and including her in more and more things with my kids and family. (I have met most of her family and spent a bit of time with them). Well since Thanksgiving she seems to be pulling back a it and I would say trying to avoid communicating as much as she can. She says its because she thinks her kids really need MOM time right now (which should always be true) but I had spent time with them too and they were just fine with me. Even coming to my house to play with D9 often. So I think a couple things might be going on because she went from being super excited to talk to me, to being distant yet saying just enough to keep communication going.
1- She thinks things might be progressing faster than she initially wanted or expected(I am in no hurry for anything BTW) and it scared her.
2- One time she had mentioned that her XH was trying to get back together with her- she told me no way...the lies, cheating...alcoholism etc) I don't really believe this is the case but the thought crossed my mind.
3- I think she is realizing I am exactly who I say I am, and she based off of past experiences was expecting that to change. I mean her family really likes me and we get a long very well so I've been surprised by the pull back. Like its a test to see how I react.

Like with everything else...I choose to me be and keep moving forward. I do really like this gal a lot and could see a future together, but I am not willing to force the issue or pursue someone that may be hesistent. They have to make up their own mind if they want to be apart of my life or not.  I had told her when she asked me if I could handle everything....I told her that it wasn't a problem, but that I could not handle being treated the way I was before by XW. She told me not to break her heart as she was falling for me, and I replied she hadn't dp the same to me.

So we shall see how this unfolds....maybe its the pressure of the holidays....maybe there are things at home...maybe she is being pulled in different directions....I just know I'm not one of those pulling...she can walk with me or not...and that is her choice.

Another day closer to something........

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #136 on: December 20, 2018, 09:17:55 PM »
Today I took some gifts I had for T and her kids. While dropping them off I spoke with her mom about a few things. Basically I was correct with #1 as her mom thinks she got a little scared because she was getting some feelings and freaked out a little. I told her mom that obviously from spending time together, I too had some feelings for T but I was not in any hurry to get married or anything like that. There is still so much going on to learn about each other and there was no need to rush it. Her mom told me that she thinks I am good for T and that we make a really good couple. Her mom told me that they all have only heard good things about me to which I replied..well if anyone ever asks how I would describe myself...I would tell them to ask others because it doesn't matter what I say. She just laughed. Her mom then asked me for some advise as her brother was going through pretty nasty divorce. I told her my opinion and gave her the advise they should be looking at the big picture and the end and not fighting about the little details and stuff. All that can be replaced but if he doesn't negotiate the divorce right then he will pay for those mistakes for a very long time. They were a little overwhelmed by it really and have a hard time taking the emotions out. I told her stick to the facts and just try to be great for the little child involved and it will all work out the right way.

Well once T came home from work I guess her girls were bugging her to open the presents I got them. instantly she started messing me telling me I went too far. Her kids each then thanked me for the gifts.  And you could see that T had changed and seemed to open up again. She called me and we talked for a while and she thanked me for the gifts. I told her it really was nothing but I had appreciated getting to know them all the past 5 months and that I thought they all were pretty amazing. She now has opened the door back up again and will try to get together tomorrow night when I get back from my work trip.

It's scary to start to get feelings for another after going through what we all have been through. Ultimately we have to trust that we have learned something from this and that this nightmare can and will be a positive in the scope of our lives. The past 7 years have been tremendously difficult....because I chose to try and learn from it instead of becoming bitter over it all...I can see how it has actually been a blessing in my life. S19 is serving a church mission helping people...he could easily gone a different way. D17 is learning and growing so much and is really quite an amazing kid. Again easily could have gone a different way. D9--we have such a special relationship. I wish it was because I was such a great dad....but really its because I made the right choices while this mess was forced on me. And now having someone like T come into my life and have a positive influence on me and my kids...is a blessing for sure. She has things that XW could never have brought to the table.

It's all in how you look at things.....there is good in all things if you only choose to look for it.

Another day closer to something....

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #137 on: January 16, 2019, 01:05:35 PM »
What an insane story. Like something out of Fast and Furious. I am glad you are okay.

You are probably right that T is just worried about getting attached. Particularly if her kids like you. She will be worried that they will get attached and if things don't work out...they will get hurt again.

I know, because I have had thoughts like that.

I suppose after you get burned, you don't wanna end up a mom dating a bunch of men who break your heart and your kids see one after another coming in.

It makes you less likely to go in full guns blazing.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #138 on: January 17, 2019, 01:37:58 AM »
You are probably right that T is just worried about getting attached. Particularly if her kids like you. She will be worried that they will get attached and if things don't work out...they will get hurt again.

I know, because I have had thoughts like that.

I suppose after you get burned, you don't wanna end up a mom dating a bunch of men who break your heart and your kids see one after another coming in.

It makes you less likely to go in full guns blazing.



BINGO!

I think that any of us who have kids, especially if they are younger or have special needs, are MUCH more cautious about who we allow into our lives and the lives of our kids...... And for good reason(s)! 
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Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #139 on: January 27, 2019, 05:57:56 PM »
Update time...

Mortsbride....It was completely crazy...I am so fortunate to be alive. My truck has been in the shop for 2 months no...hopefully back soon.


So T and I have not spend really any time together in quite some time. We do still communicate often...a couple text a day which has kept the communication line open, We do see each other at church each week and talk for a few minutes there. So it is a strange situation I find myself in with her. But I realize a couple of things.....I am not in any hurry for anything. So if she needs some time and space to see what I'm all about or to work on herself some....totally fine by me.

There is a lot going on with her family right now as well.....Her girls Dad just surprised them and got married when they had never met the other lady...So they are dealing with that....T's brother moved back in while going through his own divorce...The parents are wanting to move, and are in the process of that....T is trying to find a place that she can afford for her and her kids. She really wants to just provide stability for them on her own. So I kind of understand the distance thing.
Her dad came and starting talking to me at church and asked why I haven't been coming around lately...I replied I haven't been invited. He laughed and said women are crazy and you probably know that already. He then told me I was welcome to come over anytime I wanted and basically tried to get me to commit to spending time there. I politely said no, I said that would be very awkward if T was working on her self and need space for me to just show up or start hanging out with her dad. It was a nice compliment that he thinks highly of me.

S19 is doing well on his church mission in Ohio. He has spent the past month in the small town of Winchester Ohio. He has helped several farmers repair their fences, walked and biked miles and miles to talk with people and is generally learning some of lifespan's greatest lessons. I'm very proud of him.

D17 Has been doing well too. Right now school is going well. She is slowly opening up around others, and dealing with her struggles in a very positive way. From where she was a year ago to now...she has made some great progress.

D9- She is growing up so fast. She is quite an amazing young lady. I find it hard how fast time has gone and how much life XW has missed out on and will NEVER get back. D9 was barely 2 when XW left. Now she is a smart and kid young lady.

Work for me is going super fast. I have too much going on to keep track of. I just try to simply things and take it one thing at a time, one day at a time. Cuz if I don't, it becomes overwhelming with the amount of things I have to do. Somehow it will all work out....or at least I tell myself that.

Another day closer to something.....

Offline OffRoad

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #140 on: January 27, 2019, 08:04:41 PM »
I have two questions regarding T, Superman. When was the last time you asked her out and what was her reply? I get that you were communicating (how? Phone? Text? In person?) And then she backed off, but there are large spaces in your updates where things could have or didn't happen  :).

I mean, she might have backed off because she was scared which is understandable, or she might feel like she is doing all the pursuing and  doesn't like that which is her right or she might just have too much on her plate like you indicated. I was thinking if you hadn't invited her out recently, I know when I am overwhelmed I love to go somewhere where none of it is anything I need to plan or think of. She may not initiate because it's too much to deal with at the moment. It's just a thought.

I am so glad you had that big sturdy truck when that rock appeared, and that nothing but the truck was hurt. I'll bet that plays over and over in your mind at times and I am so glad you are ok.

Was your S assigned a location for his mission, or was he able to request some different places he thought he could help best?

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline SupermanTopic starter

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Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #141 on: February 20, 2019, 09:40:47 AM »
Update time:

First off S19 is now able to call, text and video chat home once a week to go along with emailing. For a long time communication was limited so missionaries could stay focused on their purpose and not get caught up in things going on back at home. There have been a lot of kids recently struggling in the mission field and I think more regular communication will help strengthen them. For s19 I know this will be good because he is so centered on our family yet he so wants to serve and help others.

OFFROAD- S19 was assigned to server in the area he is at. When filling out the paperwork, the missionaries can state if they want to stay in their home country, serve abroad, have language skills that might help. Ultimately S19 stated he would serve where ever he was asked to which turned out to be Cincinnati Ohio. He is doing really good, and really likes the area and people.

The girls are doing well. D9 is turning into a shadow of D16. They get along so well together and help each other out all the time. Its the little things like this that reminds me of how blessed I am to be able to be this involved in their lives and not miss.  XW has been communicating a lot with D16...they text a lot and call a lot. I feel like XW is as stable as I have seen in the past 7+ years. While I still disagree with a lot of the things she is doing and the way she is doing them, I am happy for her that she doesn't appear to be in the dark dark place she seemed stuck in. Sounds like the loser will be back soon, and I guess since they didn't get married when they went to Scotland like they planned, I guess they will try to do that here on this visit. What a unbelievable situation when I think about it. While it is very painful still, I try my best to let it go, and keep myself moving forward.

As for Miss T---We have been communicating still almost daily by text keeping the door open. When I see her in person she is quite friendly, but there is definitely a wall that she has put up. I'm pretty certain she was getting some feeling as well and when I talked to her about it, she got scared.  To test my theory on this...valentines day I sent her some beautiful flowers with a simple note saying I was thinking of her. I was expecting either a "I'm not into and this won't work" reaction or  a "thank you, we should get together sometime" reaction. Well her reaction was somewhere in the middle. Then at church this week, he little one saw me across the chapel and I guess kept wanting to come sit by for the whole time. Miss T let me know that while we said hi a little later. Later on I sent her a message saying if she wanted to go to the women's activity this week, that I would happy to watch her little one for a few hours. Her response was that after a long day of work it was hard to think about leaving her kids and not being with them, but she thanked me for the offer and she would think about it.

So I think she is nervous and letting the space be to guard herself, while watching me how I react and conduct myself...am I who I say I am? can she trust me? as she has been burned before. So she keeps the distance to where she feels safe yet can still watch me.  I'm in no hurry for anything so if we are to just be friends so be it, if the opportunity to take it further arrives...I'm interested....but I also know how hard it was for me to open myself up to her in the beginning...I know I won't be out searching for the next gal any time soon.  I guess that means time to let time do its thing and work everything out. I am just focused on me and my kids, while trying to keep myself open to what may come my way... For now...thats my strategy.

Another day closer to something.....
'

 

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