Author Topic: My Story MLC - 32 going on 14  (Read 7226 times)

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story MLC - 32 going on 14
« on: July 11, 2017, 07:42:58 AM »
Summary:
Brought together by love child in Jul. 2003
Married in Nov. 2005
BD in Jan. 2017
Move out Apr. 2017
D Final Jun. 2017
Done if she'll let me!


Hey wow I made it to my 2nd thread and feel like such a big boy! I'm so glad all of you could be here for this...only I'm not lol. Link to my first thread is below. Sorry if I'm a little hard to follow, I usually post when in the thick of it so I can ramble lol.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9074.0
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2017, 07:53:18 AM »
You made me laugh.

Attaching "big boy."   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2017, 08:15:32 AM »
Hey UM, Thunder, WhyUs, and anyone else with the displeasure of finding yourself here.

I kinda knew I was going to get smacked around a bit for the storage unit and all, but here's the reason why. The house was leased under my name. If an eviction came down from the landlord it goes against me and not her. When I got the storage unit she had nowhere to go yet, I had to put the stuff somewhere. Yes it's all her stuff and things she wants to keep for the kids. I had removed all of my belongings and things I wanted to take for the kids already. I guess I had this pipe dream that one day she'll actually at least be able to do her part as a parent or maybe even pull her head far enough out of her @$$ that we might could put back together some kind of partnership. When that happens we'll use my flying pig to tour the country and say hello to you all.

I guess the silver lining in this is that had to be the last string right? No way she can get to me now is there? Oh but wait, where there is a will there is a way, and she sure is willing to F up my stuff in any way she can so I'm sure to step on another landmine or two. Or four or twenty.

I have to be honest though. Sometimes I read these forums and wonder just who the sick ones really are lol. I mean I can't speak for everyone but I know what I see are a bunch of wayward spouses that are living it up (kinda not really) and us suckers sitting here to lament on this board about something that try as we might we just can not change. It's not the reason I went ahead with my D, but I was kinda hoping I could just step out of this like a pair of dirty underwear or something and let her cook until fork tender. Tis not to be says the fates. (thumbs up if you visualized the 3 sisters from Disney's Hercules)

I know the only way out of MLC is through, but I'm not in MLC. Well maybe a little, but I'm handling it well I think. I've gotten in excellent shape, bought new clothes, got my nipples pierced, seen younger women (social only, but hey it's something) and am the busiest motherlover I know. But.....My kids are in good shape, my finances are getting in better shape, I'm supporting 2 families and exploring now people places and things as often as life allows.

I may be going back to court soon to finish the job here. If I leave her with any rights she will always have an avenue to take the monster out for a visit. At first, monster was like sasquatch, only I could see it. Now that is starting to spill over and others are able to witness a little and even unfortunate enough to have a little monster love directed at them. I think a BIG BIG storm is coming. Kinda like Ned Stark promised...F'n winter is coming.

Well like my bio says I am double D now, Divorced and Done, however for the benefit of no science, I will continue to document this long strange trip in hopes it helps someone else in some way. Thanks to all who have read, commented, advised, and certainly those who have experienced for themselves. In basic training I had to go through the gas chamber twice for being a smartass the first time through. I'd rather do that every half hour on the half hour than go through 3..6..11 years of this garbage. What's going to happen when she wakes up? I don't know for sure, but someone is getting an ear full. May just send her right back down that tunnel for good.

Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2017, 08:48:14 AM »
Attaching...

Nipples pierced? :o Sounds like MLC to me. <snort>

As far as the storage unit goes, OK, you've gotten her stuff out of the house and somewhere safe. Fine. Now it's on her to deal with it and pay for it, not yours.
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2017, 08:53:31 AM »
I've often thought that myself.

You read all these hear wrenching stories by us LBS's who get tossed aside so easily...yet WE are the ones trying to fix things.  Fix things we didn't even break.  Hours of reading and trying to understand something that is crazy and not to fully understood.
Then some of us actually take them back!

Makes you wonder, doesn't it??   ::) ::)

I'm kidding, but it does sound like we might be the crazies, huh?

Well, you just do what you need to do to protect yourself, ward off that big storm, but enjoy your life.  Every bit of it!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2017, 10:43:42 AM »
Yes, I will pick through the items in storage for my kids stuff they want to keep. The unit is in her name and I will not be making any payments on it.

I got the nipple piercings with her in Feb, before I knew what this was. She was complaining about spontaneity missing so I found a place at 2am to do it. She was drunk and I wasn't. I only keep them because 1) it hurt like hell, and 2) they look kinda cool on my newly carved physique lol. The younger girls love it! JK, I still have only been on the 2 social dates I wrote about earlier. I got what I needed out of those and have kept in touch but I am in no way looking to re-hitch this wagon any time soon. I answer to my children and I'm just great with that. Although sometimes I wish they had on/off switches or at least batteries that needed regular recharging!
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2017, 02:10:16 PM »
I just read your first thread from beginning to end, Geo.  Sheesh....what an everloving nightmare you've been living. 

I think I might be old enough to be your mother so wasn't going to post.  Then I figured you could use all the support you could get, even if I was old! 

Get what you want from the storage shed and stop paying the bill.   ;)
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Watcher

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #7 on: July 11, 2017, 02:26:33 PM »
Attaching 80Geo

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #8 on: July 11, 2017, 05:23:04 PM »
Hey SB,  Watcher.

Yes that's the plan with storage and everything else attached to MLC. GTFO!

While I will be doing what I can for mirror work, the GAL part is going to have to move to the back burner as we ramp up for school. Can you believe the first day is uly 31st down here!

Hopefully. I can maintain NC for a while. Im too good at out of site out of mind to break it on my own.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline MoreWillBeRevealed

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #9 on: July 11, 2017, 09:17:44 PM »
Hey a new thread and an increasingly new you! I can't believe your kids start school that early. I'm in New York and they don't start till September. I work from home and it's been a challenge because camp is so expensive here. But, I have a pool so that keeps S6 occupied at least.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to move forward. Great decision about the storage unit. I knew I was done about 4 months after BD. Even if he became this wonderful spiritual person again he did so much damage I could never let myself stoop to the level of reuniting with him. I've been dating since around December and all I can say is that it has been interesting. It has actually been great because I'm noticing all of my Character defects so I can work on them for when mr. Right does come along. Actually, the guy I am dating now is beyond wonderful but we'll see what happens. My main focus is the kids, my own emotional mental and spiritual well-being, and boiling myself. I remember how wonderful no contact was. I rarely text or talk to my ex so things are pretty Blissful and Serene. Since I have moved on life just keeps getting better and better. It will for you too!
M 4 years, together 7 1/2 years
Me 47
H 49
2014-2016: H withheld sex, love, affection, touch 100% of time.
BD1:07/20/16 "I'm not attracted to you anymore"--kicked H out and hasn't been back.
BD2: 10/17/16 OW, an ex-fiancee and an affair-down, confirmed.
Legal Separation: 10/27/16
Divorce Started: 12/2/16--I'm DONE!
Divorced 6/28/17

"I am not a one in a million kind of girl. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman."

Offline Whyus

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #10 on: July 12, 2017, 05:18:32 AM »
Hey 80G... pierced nipples  ::). Dont fancy that myself but each to they're own....

So your D+D? If that's whats right for you then go for it... I tell myself at least 3 times a week that im done but im still not sure yet. Detachment is awesome, I really am starting to enjoy my own company. I've been trying NC but it doesn't work because of our house. I have to call her nearly every week about it!!!
Look after yourself and those kids mate
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #11 on: July 12, 2017, 09:38:55 AM »
Whyus - I'd like to think I'm D+D, but in reality I think I'm just D+a fool lol. I was just posting on Watchers thread that LBS just like MLC apparently has to be gone through and not over or around. I really don't feel divorced, or married for all that matter. Just alone. Sometimes I can deal with it better than others. Here lately its been more difficult because of the whole SIL thing. She's got it in her head that something happened between me and her little sister. It has come up before but we got over it. Or just didn't give it the time and consideration it deserved cause it's back and it's ugly.

Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #12 on: July 12, 2017, 09:20:54 PM »
putting on my fortune tellers turbin

xW is jealous of her little sis because little sis has what xW wants but can't have because she threw it away....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #13 on: July 12, 2017, 09:31:33 PM »
Yes. Has been since niece was born. They had tons of help. We didn't for any of our four. I mean we had help, but nothing like what they had.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #14 on: July 14, 2017, 10:50:53 AM »
OK wow. So I just found out there is in fact OM. It's the Cuban guy from the beginning. If this guy is real and what she says he is than I wouldn't consider this an affair down. Guy has money, clean, business owner, world traveler etc..

How many times am I going to let this woman rip my guts out? Felt like I was making progress but now I feel like Sisyphus and back at the bottom all over.  Nothing left to do but push that rock back up the hill.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #15 on: July 14, 2017, 10:53:54 AM »
Oh man, I'm sorry to hear this, Geo.  Hurts like crazy, I know.  He might not be everything you think he is. 

Sending support. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #16 on: July 14, 2017, 11:01:31 AM »
SB you're right, he may not be. But right now he has the person that used to be my wife.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #17 on: July 14, 2017, 11:10:40 AM »
Geo, if he had an affair with a married woman, he IS an affair down!

I'm still very sorry.  It cuts hard.   :-\

You'll make it through this too, Geo.  We're all here for you.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #18 on: July 14, 2017, 12:45:26 PM »
Yeah I know. Eventually all will be well. It is the now. I don't know why I'm bothered at all honestly. We're divorced. I have my kids. I have my family and even have hers. By all accounts I should be jumping up and clicking my heels x3. One of the things she has always said about me is that I'm emotionally detached and that I think too much and don't feel enough. Well this is why.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #19 on: July 14, 2017, 05:23:55 PM »
OK so I've calmed down a bit. Not taking this stuff personally is the hardest thing. I forked up and engaged in an argument with her. That's what brought out the truth...or is it another lie?

Backstory:
The cuban guy. He was  apparently a customer of hers that took advantage of her at a very down time I think. I had no Idea she was feeling the way she was because I hadn't really seen her in a month. Christmas time she was really missing her dad. Supposedly this guy looks like her dad. Also was interested in her astrology studies as his mother is an astrologer. He purchased a reading fro XW and that's supposedly how they exchanged contact information. He was the first reason she wanted to end the marriage. In the beginning she would say things like she had never felt this way about another person before. After a week or so that changed to her just using him to propel her fledgling astrology business. During the 4 months we still lived together she "got rid of him" but still insisted the marriage was irretrievably broken but yet did nothing about it other than ignore her responsibilities as a mother first and wfe second. Nothing more was said of him after the first two weeks.

Today:
Wife calls at lunch. She had been trying to call little sister to confront her but she wouldn't answer. So she called me to tell me to have little sister call. I tell her I don't speak directly to little sister but I will tell brother in law to have her call. I tell her to meet me at the storage unit so I can give her back her  key. When she pulls in she is guns blazing about little sister. I did OK at first and don't even know what was said that lit my fuse but I ended with a "well firetruck you too then" and got in the car and drove off. She called before I could even get out of the lot and like a stupid fish I took the bait and answered only to hear more vim and vitriol about me trying to make her look bad to her  family. Well the fire is already raging, lets give it some gas. I very subtly and calmly I friggin matched her tone and aggression and replied that I didn't have to make her look bad that she was doing well enough on her own with that. I borrowed a line from another post here and told her that I was sorry she was so at war with herself and the mess she was in now  is her own doing. You dug the hole, crawled in it and are now pulling the dirt on top of yourself. I told her I wished she would either hurry up and hit rock bottom or just pull her head out of her ass and quit being the 14 year old girl she is so desperately trying to be. She said she didn't have her head up her ass and that she wasn't at war with herself. I told her she did and was. All you do is sleep, work and run around drinking with garbage (in reference to her new old friends that do nothing but sit at the pool and drink, smoke weed and snort coke). This is when she said that it's not garbage. She was in a relationship with the cuban. already out of control at this point I yelled at her did he know she spent the weekend trying to and eventually firetrucking me 2 weeks ago. She said they weren't in a relationship  then. I'd had enough and hung up the phone. I wanted to crawl in a hole myself.

Now:
I wonder if this guy is even real. If so how much of this is true? How long did it go on? Is her thinking I had an affair with little sis her projecting this affair or maybe some other I don't know about back on to me? I already know (or do I)  the attraction to this guy is her dad. This is all sooooooooooo effed up. I don't know why it bothers me. That's a feeling. In my head I'm already like screw it, let him have that bag of crazy. This makes me ask the question; which of us really is at war with themselves?
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #20 on: July 14, 2017, 05:56:10 PM »
You both are, Geo.

Her from her stupid crisis and you from being hurt so bad (and probably blaming yourself in some way.)

I think it's so bizarre that we all try to look at what we maybe could have done differently.
But there really is nothing.

She would have gone in this crisis eventually no matter who she married.  It's her own personal crisis, we just get the blame for it because their confused and have to blame someone.

Actually Geo you don't want your X the way she is right now anyway.  This creature is NOT your W.
Let Cuban boy have that version of her and good luck. (sorry if any Cuban people are on here).

You got out at the right time.  She can not keep torturing you like so many MLCer's do to their spouses.
Like you said you got pretty much everything....the best being your kids.  That's huge!

She'll regret all this down the road, but by then you may not even care.
It's just such a shock right now, but it will wear off.
It will take some time.

I'm very sorry this happened.  Like you said it may not even be true.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #21 on: July 14, 2017, 06:08:51 PM »
Whoa Geo....that was pretty intense.  I'm advising that you really do NOT want to have a confrontation like that again.  So how about not taking that bait again!?! 

If she is doing all that stuff with "garbage" people I do worry about your kids being with her.  Do you have them exclusively or is she seeing them?  You have a lot on your plate being a single parent right now.  You certainly do not need to go another 9 rounds with batcrap craziness. 

Personally I wouldn't relay any messages for her.  If her own sister doesn't want to talk to her that's between them.  I'm guessing she wanted to rip into little sister as well. 

Hope the rest of your day has found you in a calmer and better place.  Sending support. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #22 on: July 16, 2017, 07:44:35 AM »
I know..I'm angry with myself. I've been good at not reacting lately. IDK that's how we usually argue. It isn't often but it's intense. Usually started by some jealousy of hers.

She is supposed to have them every other weekend. It hasn't exactly worked out that way. They haven't gone 24 hours without me yet, which is good. Up until now it has been pretty easy. She was still in the house we lived in together. Now she's renting a room in another house. I can't stop her if she wants to take them, but we'll see where that goes.

As far as what she does when I'm not around...So far she hasn't shown any signs of doing stuff while she has them, but again she hasn't kept them without me for very long. WIthout asking for it, I get pretty good feedback from D14 about the goings on while they are with her. Doesn't matter what I individually think about the company she keeps, there isn't anything I can do about it without going back to court. I decided to leave the door open a little for her. I should not have done that. I should have gone for everything.

I did relay the message but didn't have to. Turns out only one attempt was made to call little sister and she did answer. XW then hung up ans wouldn't answer the return attempts from little sister. She knows she's in for a fight, and I think she also knows she's wrong.

If what she says about this alienator is true, then I must find a way to be happy for her. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy, I just thought I would always be a primary part of that happiness.

Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #23 on: July 16, 2017, 08:09:13 AM »
That's big of you Geo.

I always said I didn't want my H to suffer either.  I did want him happy, just not happier than me.   ;D
My bad.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #24 on: July 16, 2017, 12:13:35 PM »
I can totally relate. Somehow I feel like both of us can be happy without each other, but that ultimate happy lies within us having each other. Time will tell I guess. At this point I'm fairly certain that if OM is real at all, then it's mostly fantasy. Like a situation where it was a one nighter and she won't let go of the idea or something. I think she said he was younger too. Maybe 24 but I'm not sure, so it could be a milf hunter too. IDK, by the time she said it all I could hear were the burners in my head.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #25 on: July 16, 2017, 09:26:01 PM »
You're going to be surprised that somebody my age knows what a "milf" is!  I work with students aged 17-21 so I am fairly educated on the vernacular of that generation. 

How disgusting if your W is being used for that.

I'm not as generous as you (at least not yet) because I really don't want my MLCer to be happy.  Maybe I'll get there someday. 

Keep on being the dad - your kids need you. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #26 on: July 16, 2017, 10:07:30 PM »
Geo,

FWIW, if he was a MIL hunter, she's going to be in a really bad place, really soon.

I only say this as this is exactly what happened to my Mid-Lifer. OM wanted in her pants, got what he wanted, then went back to his wife and kids.. She's left with her pride and a huge pile of guilt and some wannabe teenie toxic friends.... Sounds like a great life, doesn't it......
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #27 on: July 17, 2017, 03:18:09 AM »
Yeah I know....She is sooooooo much better than this to. So hard to see. Life has just left her.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #28 on: July 17, 2017, 04:50:56 AM »
Geo, their all better than this.

I've never heard of ONE MLCer who actually bettered themselves in their crisis.

They lose integrity, trust..you name it.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #29 on: July 17, 2017, 05:29:22 AM »
Thunder...if no one has nominated you for an award yet, let me be the first. I see you all over this board, you just absolutely refuse to allow anyone to get down and stay there and I think it's awesome. It's like you are the Oprah of the LBS community. Not to ignore any of the others out there, Ursa Major and OP kind of take on the Dr. Phil role(no offence intended if any given) and many others contribute often and in many ways. But every three to five posts, Thunder cracks and when she does, she brings the goods. I can't even begin to tell you how reassuring it is to throw out some of the things on here that I do and have you there for a pick up EVERY DAMN TIME. If ever we get the chance to meet, whatever you'll have is on me!
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #30 on: July 17, 2017, 06:05:58 AM »
Oh my gosh Geo, I wasn't expecting that!  :-[  :)
Thank you for those very kind words, but there are so very many people on this board I consider awesome.
I sure remember all the support and advise I got from all you lovely people.

I'm certainly no Oprah, but I'll take a margarita, please.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MoreWillBeRevealed

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #31 on: July 17, 2017, 11:18:41 PM »
Geo, it is indeed hard to fathom why they pick these OP. It's like they are all going back to sow their wild oats and with sketchy people. I agree, Thunder is the best as is UM. They do deserve a medal. Grateful they are here to support us!
M 4 years, together 7 1/2 years
Me 47
H 49
2014-2016: H withheld sex, love, affection, touch 100% of time.
BD1:07/20/16 "I'm not attracted to you anymore"--kicked H out and hasn't been back.
BD2: 10/17/16 OW, an ex-fiancee and an affair-down, confirmed.
Legal Separation: 10/27/16
Divorce Started: 12/2/16--I'm DONE!
Divorced 6/28/17

"I am not a one in a million kind of girl. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman."

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #32 on: July 19, 2017, 01:10:26 PM »
So I got a call from XW wanting to know about the kids this upcoming weekend. We discuss options and she decides she will pick them up for day visits both Saturday and Sunday. During the call she expresses that she is sorry about our last exchange and that she is not with anyone but was just saying that to make me mad. Well dear it worked OK...You happy now? Is this normal for an MLCer? I feel like I ask that all the time. I guess the real answer is nothing is "normal" for an MLCer and to just expect anything huh?
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #33 on: July 19, 2017, 01:17:37 PM »
Yes, Geo, nothing, absolutely nothing, is normal in MLC!

Day visits sound like a good plan for right now for your MLCer.  Are you feeling okay with her having them? 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #34 on: July 19, 2017, 01:36:12 PM »
Yes, especially if it is just a day visit. Other than the cocaine hangovers that kept her from getting up to take care of the babies in the beginning, she has not done anything harmful to the children and I think she even needs them to a degree at this point.

The downside is that I'll have to be available for both pick ups and drop offs and then will have to contend with 4 children who have been out at a pool all day then stuck in a car for 1.5 hours. They'll all be in such wonderful moods! I'll have just enough time to get them fed, bathed and fought to the bed only to rinse and repeat lol.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #35 on: July 19, 2017, 02:48:20 PM »
Why is that, Geo?  I mean why can't she pick them up and drop them off herself?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MoreWillBeRevealed

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #36 on: July 19, 2017, 09:13:30 PM »
Geo, were you wondering if lying about OM was normal? There are a few people on here whose MLCer admittedly created fictitious OP. They are livinvg in a fantasy world. Weird but happens. Your OW sounds to be in replay and anything goes.

Glad you are opening the door for her to have more time with the kids.
M 4 years, together 7 1/2 years
Me 47
H 49
2014-2016: H withheld sex, love, affection, touch 100% of time.
BD1:07/20/16 "I'm not attracted to you anymore"--kicked H out and hasn't been back.
BD2: 10/17/16 OW, an ex-fiancee and an affair-down, confirmed.
Legal Separation: 10/27/16
Divorce Started: 12/2/16--I'm DONE!
Divorced 6/28/17

"I am not a one in a million kind of girl. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman."

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #37 on: July 20, 2017, 05:27:12 AM »
The hardest thing to realize with OP (if there is a real one for your W), is that there is something usually predatory (from one to the other or both) and definitely fundamentally broken about the whole thing.  Normal, healthy people don't get into these relationships and they don't last. My W loves to play the victim and maybe OM for her was a knight in shining armor, but he's also a dead beat himself.. it's just a matter of time until they get sick of using one another..

RCR said somewhere and I agree, even if they are the most respected person in the world, it's still and AD. Would a healthy, sane individual want the drama? Hell no.. an OP who appears to a have it all together is a pretty golf course that was built over a landfill..  Would you tell people you were living with a woman you got pregnant and she can't pay the rent because she's broke? Those people are out there looking for trouble and they're finding it; broken attracts broken and most of then end up last chance marriages. I can't tell you how many girls I dated who seemed like their whole lives were in crisis, who eventually settled for a guy who looks like a potted plant. I had one stalk me on social media for years... Nothing creepy, but I know she feels like she missed out on a great guy.

If your W is lying about the OM, she just wants to make you think she's got it going on.. that's just a sign that she realizes how unstable she is and she's putting on a face to you, living in a dream world or both..
« Last Edit: July 20, 2017, 05:29:49 AM by gman242 »

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #38 on: July 20, 2017, 09:22:07 AM »
Thunder - Yes, she will be doing the driving. My point was they get to go and wear themselves out at a pool all day, climb in to the car crying about not wanting to leave (the little ones at least) ride for 1.5 hours and arriving in the best of moods for me to fight through bath and bedtime. Rinse and repeat on Sunday. Only Sunday they'll be coming home early because she has dinner plans.

MWB - Yes I was wondering, and I don't know why. One thing I've learned but apparently haven't convinced myself of is that nothing in MLC is normal. NOTHING. I left the door open for her yes. More so for my kids. They miss their mom....badly. I'm regretting it now as we all know MLCers are master manipulators and exploiters and that is just what is happening here. If I had shut it tight in April, my kids may be well on the way to being past it by now. They only reason she has even called in the last 5 days was D14's B-Day. D11 is the only one to have taken notice.

gman - Absolutely there is something predatory. If this guy is real, and I think he is, he makes a life of pursuing people in a situation similar to my wife. He is in the restaurant business himself and knows that anyone working that kind of job on those kind of hours for that kind of pay is somewhat vulnerable. I have no doubt that there was at least some heavy flirting and texting going on. How far it went, I'll never know. Do I think he grew tired and moved on to the next bartender/waitress? most likely. Maybe he heard that she was divorced and the play thing appeal lost its luster, IDK. Not sure how much is real or fake, but last I spoke to her she did say that she only said those things to make hurt me (it did) and that she wasn't as bad off as I thought. She's apparently enrolled herself in to some real estate courses. She's under the assumption that if she can complete that and sell just one house all of her problems will go away. The financial ones anyway.

Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #39 on: July 20, 2017, 09:36:56 AM »
...and I just realized that if her telling me she is in a relationship bothers me as much as it did then I have not even come close to letting go. Myself and a few others on here I guess have the unlucky ability do differentiate thoughts from feelings. In my head and on my sleeve I have let go. Eff it right? Oh but the gut bleeds at the mention of her with OM.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #40 on: July 20, 2017, 09:38:42 AM »
80's, I was just saying in my thread somewhere about getting hit on (casually) by a girl who worked at the mall last time I was there. There's a reason those people take those jobs.. They like being seen and they like having access to other people. There are service processionals, don't get me wrong... but you get a lot of "types" who get in around booze, late work hours, patrons and tips..

Anyway, don't believe anything she says.. I'd just assume the worst and make peace with it now and then don't ask if you don't want to know the answer. Even if you did, she'd lie.. so it's pointless.

If she tried to hurt you, it's because of the guilt and shame, she wants you to freak out and be the one to tell her it's quits. Mine even said literally, she wishes I'd hate her guts and never speak to her again.

A real estate license is relatively easy to get, however yeah, one sale isn't going to change that. It's work.. surprise!! I'd guard yourself financially, if you haven't already.

You have to realize it's a sickness she's in right now. I went through my own MLT and was abused, like W as a child and I have PTSD. So it was really easy for me to compare notes and let it go. Yes, my W has been with several OM and it doesn't bother me. While I never cheated on her, I had plenty of validation sex in my day and I was addicted to porn for a while. What hurts me more is her mistaken thinking that it's punishing me for her unhappiness and how awful, degraded, lost, guilty and shameful she must feel underneath it all. She could choose help, but she's not ready to right now..
« Last Edit: July 20, 2017, 09:43:02 AM by gman242 »

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #41 on: July 20, 2017, 10:45:58 AM »
You are spot on about the people who take these jobs. At best they suffer from low self esteem and need the constant attention. Of course that doesnt mean all of them, but the vast majority.

I'm already to the point where I try not to believe anything she says. If nothing else it's kind of an emotional shield. Trouble is that shield isnt always instant, and the verbiage has to roll around a bit before I can settle on how to file it. While its rolling, it causes damage.

Mine doesn't say things like that. Says that she thinks we can be the best of friends and that we should be exited to explore new opportunities.

I'm divorced already. No direct avenue for her to cause financial impact. Only if I allow it to happen. Se the storage unit posts in my last thread.

I can't speak to the difficulty of obtaining a real estate licence but I'll assume that it's like most other licences and not to difficult to get, but then what? If it worked the way she's thinking then we'd all be going for a real estate licence

If this had just been an afair, a one night stand in a moment of weakness or something of the like, we'd be well on our way to recovery. Trouble is that I don't now and may never know just what this is.

Already just in this post I've shown at least 2 examples of her spectrum. Sometimes she can hit them both in the same conversation.

In my head I'm comparing the MLCer to one of those new fidget spinners that are all the craze now. Endless kinetic and ballistic energy bound to a pivot with some really great ball bearings. Give one a flick and moves around forever it seems. When it stops though, it's still right back where it started. All that energy wasted.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #42 on: July 20, 2017, 11:07:14 AM »
Quote
Mine doesn't say things like that. Says that she thinks we can be the best of friends and that we should be exited to explore new opportunities.

I will say, what mine said about wishing I would hate her, was a rare moment of honesty. I must just have one of those clingers.. to her, it's some kind of vacation. She'll come home and tell me what do with the carpet, room colors etc, like she still lives there and she's just going to come home one day..

But!!! ^ that right there is MLC in a nutshell man.. at least for the clingers. If she said what she said to hurt you, that's why she did it. You may be divorced, but she's not done by a long shot. That's why they say divorce isn't the end with an MLC. It's easier to make you mad and shut down contact that it is for her to move on, because deep down, she doesn't want to.

You'll then ask "then why won't she fix this?" and I don't have the answer, we're all grappling with that. We just hope they'll wake up one day.

Good you're protected financially! It's common when people are unhappy or stuck to come up with get rich quick schemes or driving around in a van camping their life away fantasies. That's all they are..

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #43 on: July 20, 2017, 06:45:45 PM »
Geo - I hope you have some fun planned for YOU for Saturday and Sunday.  Get on that!   ;)
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #44 on: July 21, 2017, 08:28:31 AM »
I do! Saturday will be a hiking day, and Sunday I am playing disc golf with my BIL, er um XBIL that is. Yes, the one who is married to the little sister I am accused of having an affair with.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #45 on: July 21, 2017, 07:29:27 PM »
Excellent plans.  Now enjoy yourself! 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #46 on: July 22, 2017, 05:00:57 AM »
Wow so I just got a text from xw showing off her new haircut....she is trying soooooo to be 17 again. I see how the aging thing goes for some MLCers and hell even us "normal" folk don't like aging...but dang! I'm 36 about to be 37 and she turns 32. Both of us could pass for under 30 no problem, her even more so. This stuff is nasty.


Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline MoreWillBeRevealed

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #47 on: July 24, 2017, 01:13:18 AM »
Hope you had a great weekend and the transition to home with the kids wasn't so bad. My S6 is very hyper when he returns from Xh's.

Though I am D I still feel deep empathy and love for XH. I just don't find him appealing anymore in the least and the betrayal and MLC abuse has totally turned me off to ever wanting him back. Like your XW, it's like dealing with a teenager.

About the bartending and service industry, I was a waitress and bartender for a time but because I needed the money during and right after college. I will say, though, I did get off a little on the attention from the male customers. I'd have regulars who swooned over me and tipped me well.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2017, 01:16:05 AM by MoreWillBeRevealed »
M 4 years, together 7 1/2 years
Me 47
H 49
2014-2016: H withheld sex, love, affection, touch 100% of time.
BD1:07/20/16 "I'm not attracted to you anymore"--kicked H out and hasn't been back.
BD2: 10/17/16 OW, an ex-fiancee and an affair-down, confirmed.
Legal Separation: 10/27/16
Divorce Started: 12/2/16--I'm DONE!
Divorced 6/28/17

"I am not a one in a million kind of girl. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman."

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #48 on: July 24, 2017, 06:53:05 AM »
Hey MWB, it was and the transition went OK as well. I didn't get to do what I set out to, but it was a good time anyway. I found out on Saturday night one of my good friends in finally engaged! The guy is in his early 50's and has been a life long bachelor. It was kind of surreal though. This is the first time since all of this started that I've encountered someone going in to a new relationship. While I was able to put on a happy face for them, in my head all I could hear was "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen. Shameful I know, but that's what this garbage has done to my line of thinking.

Quote
Though I am D I still feel deep empathy and love for XH. I just don't find him appealing anymore in the least and the betrayal and MLC abuse has totally turned me off to ever wanting him back. Like your XW, it's like dealing with a teenager.

^I can mirror this statement, except deep down I still feel a severe longing for my old wife. I would have to fight myself very hard not to drop everything and take her back with wide open arms right now, even though I know it wouldn't be real.

Sorry I should have used more measured language when talking about being a bartender/waitress. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having either of those positions as a career/job. I was still very much in my feelings when I made what was a blanket type statement that labeled an entire industry, one which is very much needed, as people with self esteem issues. The statement I did make very much applies to my XW, outside of her it really shouldn't matter to me who is where doing what or why they are. Hell at this point it shouldn't matter to me about her, but it does. I meant no offense to any future, current, or former food service industry employees. 
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #49 on: July 24, 2017, 07:08:12 AM »
Geo,

That is one thing that has jaded me, too.

When I go to a wedding now and hear people taking their vows..I think yeah right,,,for how long?
It's a terrible way to feel.  I wish them happiness but you know?...

Guess that feeling may change but for now that's how I honesty think. 

"Til death do us part..."  ?? ::)

My bad
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #50 on: July 24, 2017, 07:11:29 AM »
I have a friend whose xH altered their wedding vows from "so long as we both shall live" to so long as we both shall love" ...

Guess what.... They are long since divorced and she's remarried...  ::) :-X
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #51 on: July 24, 2017, 07:17:20 AM »
Well that's a new one, but makes better sense.  ha ha

Then you're not really breaking your vows.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #52 on: July 24, 2017, 07:18:33 AM »
Geo - I hope you got some of that planned fun in this past weekend. 

I understand exactly how you feel about another one biting the dust.  Right now I as I sit as weddings the thought of how long will this last runs through my head.  I hope your bachelor friend really has found someone that will stick with him through thick and thin. 

UM - change the vows to "as long as we both shall love" - wow.  Just wow.  Good to have you back in town! 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #53 on: July 24, 2017, 07:41:04 AM »
Logging here.

This weekend went pretty well by MLC standards. We avoided monster, had a child exchange and were actually quite civil. I am attributing this to the fact that this time she did not have to face keeping the children by herself. The house where XW now lives is in the same neighborhood of the former marital home. As soon as they got there the 2 older girls left to spend the night with friends in the neighborhood and were gone all weekend. The 2 younger children stayed with mom and roommates. It was clear to see when I picked them up that the roommates actually did most of the "babysitting". I know the guy somewhat and we have always gotten along. At one time we could have been good friends, except I have 4 kids and do not have the room in my life for the things he does (did, apparently). He and my son had a great time playing together and his girlfriend seemed to be very sweet and attentive to D4. While I was there it was kind of weird to, they seemed to ignore XW and converse primarily with me. At any rate, the house looked good and I feel a little better about my kids staying there occasionally, even though I still have the nagging feeling that all of this is just some sort of cover up.

On my mirror work and GAL. I know I have a lot of areas to improve, I just can't seem to figure out where to get started. How do you improve relationship skills without a relationship? I don't want to sit here and say I'm fine with myself, because that will never be the case. I keep getting sucked back in to fix it mode with her. I can't convince myself that I am powerless to fix this even though I know it is so.

GAL is tough to. I swear I have to just stay away from women in general. I've been on a couple of social dates just trying to make new friends. I've thought they were really cool people to hang out with. One lady and I went for a 14 mile hike in the rain for the first time we met and had boundless conversations about everything but relationships. Now I get texts that amount to "come over and do me". My interest is completely gone. I thought again on the second time that I had found a friend that was cool to talk to and maybe go hang out with. She was great and wanted to keep some distance at first but now is headed towards "come over and do me" territory. I thought this was the kind of tish that guys tried to pull?

While there once was a time in my life where it was full of no strings sexual encounters, this has not been the case for a decade and a half. While the attention does wonders for the old ego(not that it needed it) and does provide some validation to the fact that I am an appealing partner to some, it comes shrouded in deep guilt and fear of having another bat-poop crazy female to contend with on the horizon. I won't lie, I'm very lonely in that regard and have always been in good practice with XW. That part of our life was always very healthy and rewarding. When it comes to someone else though, there just is no desire. And I just can't help but feel like I am doing wrong by my XW. Wow, just that statement alone shows how confused I am. How could I possibly do wrong by my XW?

I'm trying not to stand, but I just don't think I'm any good at it. Hell I don't think I'd be the best at standing either. Sometimes I feel like I cant figure out if finding this board was a blessing or a curse! Had I not discovered MLC and began to learn what it is, how it happens etc... I think I could have given nothing but tail lights to this relationship. Now that I know about it and understand it to the extent that anyone could, I feel compelled to hang around and be the net. I also know that this is very counter productive and is a roadblock to not just my own progression but hers as well. I just can't stop doing it.

How I feel about MLC today. MLC is this thing in particular.
http://imgur.com/gallery/vdLE8dJ

Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #54 on: July 24, 2017, 07:55:07 AM »
LOL...hilarious!

Geo, I felt the same way, I think it's normal.
I had been with my H for 30 years, when I did go on a few dates, after the D, I had the same guilt feelings...just for being there with them.  Geez.  Like you're cheating.   ::) ::)

Sometimes I think we over think things.  I believe you don't really make a decision to stand or not stand, it just happens.  I used to change my mind weekly.  So will you.
It's really hard to totally give up when you love someone.

Just try to take it one day at a time.  Everything you're feeling is quite normal.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #55 on: July 24, 2017, 08:23:28 AM »
I read somewhere in here in these threads about someone saying their husband didn't really try to stand or not, they just did. I feel the same way... I can't quantify it with any feelings at all, just that I don't want to date anyone. I had a few offers myself and I honestly think at one point I sat on the couch and cried because it didn't feel right, like thunder said, it was some kind of cheating. I'm a tad beyond that now and while I'd like to be with someone, in theory, I don't see it happening. W has to get her mess sorted out, but I also think it needs to be the right person and they need to be in the same space that I am.

Dating just does not look like an attractive option to me.. everything seems to extreme. One, two dates and you're an "item", which was fine when I was 20, or you have to jump through all these hoops to please someone and prove you're "worthy". I'm at a point where I know what I want and need and sadly, I had that with W and this far into my life, I don't know if I can find it again. I liked someone else's analogy of starting out with your spouse as a rowboat and by the time the MLC hits, you're a cruise ship steaming ahead. You can sell it, blow it up for the insurance money and which ever way you like, try to get a new one, but it won't be the same.

Of course, here we're talking about marriages with an MLC or people who otherwise honestly love and care for one another. I know we grapple with how true that is all the time in here too.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #56 on: July 24, 2017, 08:49:00 AM »
Friending seems like an attractive option to me. I haven't had any of my own for a long while. People I work with. I visit one or two of them here and there but it usually went work friends stayed at work. I had a brother in law I was close with. My wife cut them out  of her life 2 years ago because of issues with her sister and to keep wife happy I played along. Not knowing the whole 2 years the issue was me. Since BD I have reconnected but now we live far apart and it's difficult at best. I have what is left of my family, and they are great but full of their own issues as well. Sister is a widow for 1 year now from her husbands suicide and mom is 1940's West Virginia born and raised. I don't mean to offend anyone here but I don't think her situation calls for further explanation. I just want to spend time with another person who I don't work with, am not related to, and does not hate me at the moment. Would I like to have sex? You bet, with my wife.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #57 on: July 24, 2017, 12:34:09 PM »
So I just had a mini epiphany I think. Our relationship (mine and XW) essentially started with me leaving, and coming back. There have been several episodes of departure and return throughout. Some for days, most for hours, once for a couple months, and now this. The results are always the same...I come back, or I welcome her back. Maybe I'm just grasping for straws here, but could this yo-yo effect of the past be fueling her MLC in some way?
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline MoreWillBeRevealed

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #58 on: July 24, 2017, 07:05:42 PM »
If you aren't ready to date or be sexual with somebody then you shouldn't do either. I don't like telling people what they should or should not do but I have experience with this. I was in no shape early on or up until about a few months ago to offer anything for a relationship until I got through much of my anger, resentment, and fear. I had nothing to offer anyone as I was still so consumed by XH, MLC, betrayal, etc. I did have sex on a few occasions but honestly that was mostly due to XH rejecting me sexually for the 2 years prior to BD. It's like I needed to know I was still desirable and to feel intimacy again. For me, I was able to separate sex and emotions. I got what I needed and that was it. I've never been like that in my life before MLC but I just didn't care. I felt entitled to have casual sex. First time I did it I woke up the next day feeling as though i cheated on XH! It was crazy.

I'm seeing someone now but I'm in a different place. It's not about sex but companionship. I don't yearn for XH other than I want to shake the MLC out of him and turn him into the man I fell in love with--with or without me. I do care but I don't desire him. I have the same fatalistic thinking about marriage and relationships. Even though things are going quite well with the guy I'm dating, I frame the relationship as "we'll see if it lasts." I have 2 weddings to attend in the next month and in some ways dread both. I went to a bachelorette party Saturday and think it's all so stupid now--marriage and weddings.

As far as the going back and forth, I really doubt that could cause it. Your XW does have abandonment issues but it all sounds like replay and not "I'll leave you before you hurt me." Who knows, though, right?
M 4 years, together 7 1/2 years
Me 47
H 49
2014-2016: H withheld sex, love, affection, touch 100% of time.
BD1:07/20/16 "I'm not attracted to you anymore"--kicked H out and hasn't been back.
BD2: 10/17/16 OW, an ex-fiancee and an affair-down, confirmed.
Legal Separation: 10/27/16
Divorce Started: 12/2/16--I'm DONE!
Divorced 6/28/17

"I am not a one in a million kind of girl. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman."

Offline TryinSoul

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #59 on: July 24, 2017, 09:26:16 PM »
Geo- When I think about dating or anything further I think of 2 things.  The first is my very young son and how complicated his life has become when it shouldn't have been this way.  Do I want to further complicate it by adding another person into his life that most likely will be an impermanent fixture just as my XWs OM?  The only answer I have is "well she is doing it".  That's a pretty crappy answer.  The second question I ask myself "if XW wanted to work through this with me, would I, is my door open?"  I have decided that for so long that I can answer "yes", then my standing alone will continue.  I believe in this for my health, my son's health, the potential "new interest's" health and eventually XW health.  My feelings are that if there is doubt, why push it?  Early on for me I tried a little vengeance dating when I was at my lowest point.  Every single part of me made me pay for that.  Luckily, I learned quickly and before anything became physical or emotionally attaching.  It's something I will not do again until I'm sure.  You will know when/if you are ready. 
All that counts, is what comes next.

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #60 on: July 25, 2017, 05:25:35 AM »
TryinSoul, I agree, that's where I'm at.

I've spent most of my life having causal sex.. so I'm not about that at this point. I wouldn't call it casual though, I'd call it buffer sex, as Morewillberevealed noted, it's more about the validation, the fun, the intimacy, without the commitments.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #61 on: July 26, 2017, 08:26:57 AM »
Hey guys, thanks for the comments.

I don't want to give the wrong impression here. I am not currently interested in any kind of romantic relationship with anyone. Even if I was I don't have the time. In trying to GAL I have had some meetups, or social dates that for some reason always turn in to the other person wanting more and fast. Guess I just know how to find that type, XW and I basically met naked. It would be amazing to find someone to just be a friend.

The only person I am interested in having sex with is my (ex)wife, but not in her current state. This is the longest I've gone without since the first time I ever did it and now I kind of see it as a challenge to see just how long I can go. Now I am human and am susceptible to temptation just like any other man, but for the most part I am enjoying this little game of self induced celibacy. The only downside so far is that it hurts the other person when I decline and then they look at me like I have 3 eyes or something. I'm 36, about to be 37. I had a world of experience before my wife and none of it matched the places we had reached together. I'm really not missing out on anything but her.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #62 on: July 26, 2017, 09:10:52 AM »
Quote
I'm really not missing out on anything but her.

I think we all agree with you man.. I feel the same. For the first time in my life, I'm not interested in sex otherwise. It feels weird honestly.. but you're right, I'm GAL too, taking care of my son, contemplating a new career.. No time, no interest. Honestly, I miss my best friend, not the sex. But it was the same with us too, totally different places..

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #63 on: July 26, 2017, 10:38:24 AM »
So I have made a job change.

My old company, the one XW hated me working for, has been after me to come back for some time. I can't recall how much if at all I have discussed this before. It's an Managed Services and IT consulting firm. Yesterday I finally just bit the bullet and dropped by for a visit. Start date will be 9/1. I don't know if this is a good or bad move as far as XW is concerned, but I think it was a good move on my part. My current job is....boring. Too much time to think about things I ought not. I mean I'm always busy, but it is mundane and beneath my level of expertise. Now I'll be back in the fire, constantly thinking about what is in front of me. I'll also be a man among st the people once again. It's going to cut about a half hour off of my commute each way, compensation is much better, benefits are better, and I'll be back with a group of guys I've been with for 9 years prior to last year. I'm excited. When I left there I stopped by an old customer site, a small CPA firm for a visit. It was awesome. It had only been a year since I left and you would have thought them seeing me in the lobby was the second coming. This I think will be a huge step for me in being able to detach and let go. Will probably send her through the roof, but I've been wrong every time I've tried to guess at MLC lol.

I will be losing my company car and free gas though. That kind of sucks.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #64 on: July 26, 2017, 10:58:25 AM »
Geo,

I think it sounds like a very good move for you right now. Being busy and challenged is great for taking you're mind off things.

Congrats!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #65 on: July 26, 2017, 11:49:51 AM »
Quote
Will probably send her through the roof, .....

Geo,

2 words.... (OK, could be 4) Who (the firetruck) cares?

It is YOUR job, YOUR life.... xW is no longer driving the train, no longer has the right of first refusal or to have any input whatsoever.....

She probably hated it because you COULD have been meeting other, more attractive (remember that our Mid-Lifers are HORRIBLY insecure!) women in that job... You know <nudge, nudge, wink, wink> gettin' a litte "afternoon delight" on the job?... After all, do as they say, not what they do or, as it is also know... "Gee Mid-Lifer. Project much lately?"
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #66 on: July 26, 2017, 11:56:41 AM »
I noted that too and was going to say I agree with UM.. it's the pot calling the kettle black. I had the same situation with W and that's part of the reason I changed jobs.. Too many uncomfortable situations with faculty and students. I left for more pay.. but boy was she projecting. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a jealous phase before the MLC hits.. Angry that you're out there, chatting up office ladies.. Well now it's her turn too dammit.  >:(

Do what makes you feel good. 40 hours a week is too long to spend being miserable.

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #67 on: July 26, 2017, 12:01:21 PM »
I don't think so gman.

I think their too into themselves to really care what you are doing.
They may use it as an excuse to fool around, but it really has nothing to do with you at all.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #68 on: July 26, 2017, 12:16:58 PM »
Not personally, no. I think that's where the projecting and justifying comes in. In a stable relationship, one wouldn't assume the other is out there cavorting just because they can.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #69 on: July 26, 2017, 01:17:37 PM »
UM...you kill me  ;D

Yes, she was always jealous while on the old(now new again) job. Part of the reason I switched to my current job was to hopefully alleviate some of that stress. It did not work. After starting the current job, I almost immediately went to war with a female peer over company cell phone policy. Jealousy brewed. Just before last Christmas I had to move my office in to another room that was a shared office with a married female who's husband also works here. We didn't have overhead lights for a week due to a remodeling accident. Telling XW that was a HUGE mistake. Never mind we each have lights in our cubicle, and a 6'X6' window, still pretty bright in the daytime. And of course there is little sis. And just today I was told she thinks I am attracted to her best friend who I have always held in highest disgust. This is the person who is the real physical alienator.

UM, I wouldn't firetruck this woman with your hose and Gman on the ladder for $1M
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #70 on: July 26, 2017, 01:19:39 PM »
OH and UM, I really don't care what she thinks or feels right now. My concern lies more in how is she going to react and what do I need to be prepared for so that I can sidestep the oncoming freight train as best as possible.

Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #71 on: July 26, 2017, 08:22:45 PM »
Geo - congrats on the job change. 

I'm with UM - don't care what you xW thinks.  You shouldn't either!
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline MoreWillBeRevealed

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #72 on: July 26, 2017, 09:21:05 PM »
Congratulations on returning to the job you loved! That definitely deserves a check off the GAL list. I wonder if your XW didn't like you working there because you loved it so much and she resented your career happiness while she had none. Just a thought.

Sounds like your XW had major trust and insecurity issues. If she only truly knew how you've always felt and viewed her, then she wouldn't have these accusatory cheating thoughts. It's too bad because from reading your posts you were clearly devoted and still in some ways are. She's got some work to do on herself and it will take time, unfortunately. You, however can keep on doing what makes you happy, focusing on the career and kids. I started doing things I always wanted to do, i.e. guitar lessons, nose piercing (XH hated them ), travel, hang with friends, wrote 2nd book (XH never congratulated me on 1st book but a month ago congratulated me on 2nd), consulting as a grant writer, and spend more time with my kids and granddaughter.

As far as a nonsexual companion, that's a hard one when it comes to the opposite sex. But, I'm lucky I have a few. Maybe through your new job you'll meet people you can have a platonic friendship with.
M 4 years, together 7 1/2 years
Me 47
H 49
2014-2016: H withheld sex, love, affection, touch 100% of time.
BD1:07/20/16 "I'm not attracted to you anymore"--kicked H out and hasn't been back.
BD2: 10/17/16 OW, an ex-fiancee and an affair-down, confirmed.
Legal Separation: 10/27/16
Divorce Started: 12/2/16--I'm DONE!
Divorced 6/28/17

"I am not a one in a million kind of girl. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #73 on: July 27, 2017, 02:11:59 AM »
OH and UM, I really don't care what she thinks or feels right now. My concern lies more in how is she going to react and what do I need to be prepared for so that I can sidestep the oncoming freight train as best as possible.

Geo, Repeat after me....

"Gee xW. I'm sorry you feel that way."

<snort!>
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #74 on: July 27, 2017, 04:28:23 PM »
UM - You are my kind of guy!

MWB -  Thanks so much! Although I must confess I don't "Love" the job. I'm not in love with what I do for a living, but what I love to do won't pay the bills so I reserved that for hobby. I'm good at what I do and make the most out of whatever I can, so it will definitely be a lifestyle improvement. The increased income and additional company paid healthcare on my children will be nice too! I think you are spot on about the career happiness too. She was a reluctant stay at home mom, but all she wanted to do was take jobs that didn't pay enough to cover the cost of childcare and a 2nd vehicle, or were of the fluctuating non guaranteed income type. She mentions often now how she has always felt the drive to be a career woman. I tried to get her to do real estate once about 6 or 7 years ago. She had no interest then.

Oh and super big congrats on both books and any more that may com forth!

Baffled - I couldn't agree more.

Now for an update -- Back when this thing first started going off the rails and before I knew anything about MLC and was grasping for anything I could to win back W, I bought a trip to Charleston to see a concert of a band wife really likes for her B-day, 7/24. I got the idea because she sent me a link for tickets at a venue close by here, but this venue is a moldy stinky indoor punk/metal type place and this band is a hippy dippy hold hands and koombaya on the grass type of band. I thought the link was a hint that this would be something she enjoyed so I took it a step further an booked the trip. Anyways, the Charleston date was 7/21 and the local date is today. Long ago I was able to cancel the hotel and get a refund but the concert tickets were too cheap to bother with as it was all general admission on the lawn, I think I paid $35 for the pair.

On 7/20 I got a call from W asking if she could sell both tickets to cover her cost in to the local show with her friend. I told her I didn't care what she did with them and thought nothing more of it.

Yesterday I get a text from W again, this time to ask for a favor in securing tonight's ticket. Even thought she was able to sell both tickets and get the same value back, she wanted to know if she could give me cash and I could put the ticket on my card since her checking account was in the negative after her new car payment was auto drafted this week. :o :o :o

OK, can you see the smile start out across my face?  ;D ;D ;D  That $40K Jetta is already starting to hurt.

I did not get the pleasure of saying no, as apparently one of her friends came to rescue before I even could. Probably spared myself an argument, but also missed out on a little moment of vindication. Oh well, the snowball is in effect. Time to get the popcorn ready.

Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #75 on: July 28, 2017, 12:40:27 AM »
OMG......

WTF?


I'm confused just reading this about the tickets but, well, the FOG is think.....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #76 on: July 28, 2017, 05:50:21 AM »
We're int he same boat man.! I'm in a dead end job here and thinking about retraining. What's your main hobby? Sounds like it's music.. Man my dream job would be making sound tracks, sound effects, sound work etc. I had a killer side job of my own doing that in college.. made a bundle selling CDs for haunted houses and stuff. I also use to DJ, run lights, audio etc on the side too..

Offline MoreWillBeRevealed

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #77 on: July 28, 2017, 06:25:58 AM »
Geo, you've got the clinging boomerang. She's still very dependent on you and considers you her default friend in her mind. But it's all about her right now so keep on being kind with the boundaries you've set. I know it feels good to have her still need you. I get a good feeling when XH is nice and needs something from me. I guess I was so abused by his monstering the past year that it's refreshing he's now all nicey nice.

Gman, definitely pursue your music. I love music and used to love going to shows and concerts. XH wasn't into it. Guy I'm seeing and I see music every weekend and I love it. He joined a band after his D. Music can be very therapeutic.
M 4 years, together 7 1/2 years
Me 47
H 49
2014-2016: H withheld sex, love, affection, touch 100% of time.
BD1:07/20/16 "I'm not attracted to you anymore"--kicked H out and hasn't been back.
BD2: 10/17/16 OW, an ex-fiancee and an affair-down, confirmed.
Legal Separation: 10/27/16
Divorce Started: 12/2/16--I'm DONE!
Divorced 6/28/17

"I am not a one in a million kind of girl. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman."

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #78 on: July 28, 2017, 06:33:14 AM »
UM - Yeah I was a little...giddy when typing out the ticket story. The main thing is that due to that ridiculous loan she took out on her car her bank account was negative and she was going to sidestep that and use her cash tips to purchase concert tickets instead of bringing her balance back in to the positive. There was a missed opportunity for a mega truth dart as one of her enabling friends came to her rescue before I could say no and deliver said dart. Still a win as you can see the snowball rolling down the hill and picking up momentum. I know from past experience, robbing Peter to pay Paul can dig a deep hole in a very short amount of time. I'm pretty sure that her bank balance goes negative every time that car payment comes out (bi weekly) but she usually brings it right back up by depositing her cash tips. That didn't happen this time. If the balance stays negative it will incur additional penalties, so on and so forth.  Pretty soon like Watchers W, she will have $50 bills in collections or having her cell phone shut off.

Gman - Although I am an avid listener and lover of most all kinds of music, I have no talent for making it. My hobby is BBQ. Nothing beats an all day smoke. I haven't done so in a while but I love to get up around 5 on a Saturday morning and get cooking on brisket, pork shoulders, hams, whole bird chickens etc...

The job isn't dead end, plenty of room to grow. It's just not my passion. I have to actually think and apply myself and you know, work at it lol. I am pretty damn good at it though.

MWB - Yeah she's a clinger all right. One foot in and one foot out. There is no way I was going to contribute to something like that, even though it may have accelerated another "rock bottom" opportunity. What I find the most disturbing about it is that my two oldest both have birthdays in July. D14 is on the 18th, and D11 is the 4th. I gave W money to do something for both of them and she did nada, yet is still going to a concert for her own B-Day. I know I shouldn't be surprised, selfishness is a banner attribute of the MLCer, but still that is shocking to me.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #79 on: July 28, 2017, 10:30:24 AM »

 What I find the most disturbing about it is that my two oldest both have birthdays in July. D14 is on the 18th, and D11 is the 4th. I gave W money to do something for both of them and she did nada, yet is still going to a concert for her own B-Day. I know I shouldn't be surprised, selfishness is a banner attribute of the MLCer, but still that is shocking to me.

That is so incredibly sad and hurtful to your children.  The selfishness of this whole MLC thing never ceases to amaze me

So, Geo, what's on tap for your weekend for you?  Do you have the kids?  Hope you can find something fun for all of you to do if that's the case. 

The car payment saga - sheesh.....will be interesting to see how much time goes by before it's repossessed. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #80 on: July 28, 2017, 10:40:11 AM »
This weekend, back to school shopping!! OK so I'm really not excited for that. Probably take them all to a movie or something like that too.

As for the car...she messed up and bought it from a place called Drive Time. Not sure if they have that where you are, but they are basically a national buy here pay here type deal that thrives on customers like my XW. They first will get about $500 to put a hold on the vehicle until you can get your down payment ($1300 in her case) and then the payments are automatically deducted from your bank account on a bi-weekly basis. The cars also have GPS locators and remote shutdown installed. If the payment goes late, they shut it down. If payment still is not made they know just where to go to pick up the vehicle and put it right back on the lot. They are glad to miss a monthly payment or too on a vehicle if they can get another hold and down payment on it in the same time frame.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #81 on: July 28, 2017, 04:17:37 PM »
This weekend, back to school shopping!! OK so I'm really not excited for that. Probably take them all to a movie or something like that too.

As for the car...she messed up and bought it from a place called Drive Time. Not sure if they have that where you are, but they are basically a national buy here pay here type deal that thrives on customers like my XW. They first will get about $500 to put a hold on the vehicle until you can get your down payment ($1300 in her case) and then the payments are automatically deducted from your bank account on a bi-weekly basis. The cars also have GPS locators and remote shutdown installed. If the payment goes late, they shut it down. If payment still is not made they know just where to go to pick up the vehicle and put it right back on the lot. They are glad to miss a monthly payment or too on a vehicle if they can get another hold and down payment on it in the same time frame.

Back to school shopping - I remember those days.  Not really an exciting event and most certainly a costly activity!  But, my kids always liked it.  They loved picking out their new shoes and backpacks, as well as a few other things.  We made the day of it and it always seemed to take a bite out of my budget! 

Never heard of Drive Time.  Sounds like a real lucrative thing for the Drive Time company.  Not such a great deal for the buyer.  I'm guessing the spendy Jetta won't last long. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #82 on: July 31, 2017, 07:20:44 AM »
Hey everybody! What a great weekend in MLC land!

No seriously, I was pretty much left the firetruck alone and it was awesome. XW did try to call Saturday night around 11:30, too late to talk to the kids so I just let it go to VM. She hung up and called right back X2 and I let it go both times after. Once she hung up for the 3rd time she texted asking if I was at little sisters house ::). Geo made the right play for once. Answering that call had potential to ruin the rest of the weekend.

I took my oldest girls clothes shopping on Saturday. My oldest is so grown and becoming such a young lady. I imagine I'll be meeting boys this year...so exciting ::). Sunday Granny took them supply shopping while I took the younger two to walk the green-way. Spent the rest of the weekend relaxing and mowing the lawn. Have not had a weekend this easy since November of last year.

I hope everyone else had a good weekend as well although I am sure MLC did not allow that to happen.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #83 on: July 31, 2017, 07:53:32 AM »
Good for you Geo, not taking the bait!

I'm glad you had a good week-end.

We have those car places here too.  Their called CarHop.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MoreWillBeRevealed

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #84 on: July 31, 2017, 08:54:21 PM »
Yes, good for you. My best moments were when I went NC with XH unless I had to see him for S6 visitation or discuss a financial matter. It wad bliss the longer faps i had. I didn't feel that tortured gut wrenching anger/loss/frustration feeling when is have to deal with him.

You sound like a great dad. I always said thank God for my kids during MLC. I got so much love from them and a rewarding feeling.
M 4 years, together 7 1/2 years
Me 47
H 49
2014-2016: H withheld sex, love, affection, touch 100% of time.
BD1:07/20/16 "I'm not attracted to you anymore"--kicked H out and hasn't been back.
BD2: 10/17/16 OW, an ex-fiancee and an affair-down, confirmed.
Legal Separation: 10/27/16
Divorce Started: 12/2/16--I'm DONE!
Divorced 6/28/17

"I am not a one in a million kind of girl. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #85 on: August 01, 2017, 07:17:13 AM »
Hey everybody! What a great weekend in MLC land!

No seriously, I was pretty much left the firetruck alone and it was awesome. XW did try to call Saturday night around 11:30, too late to talk to the kids so I just let it go to VM. She hung up and called right back X2 and I let it go both times after. Once she hung up for the 3rd time she texted asking if I was at little sisters house ::). Geo made the right play for once. Answering that call had potential to ruin the rest of the weekend.

And Geo's answer was (NSFHS!) https://media.giphy.com/media/26FLepv8cjuo6OmEE/giphy.gif

Good job ignoring the Master Baiter.... Let her call little sister...


I took my oldest girls clothes shopping on Saturday. My oldest is so grown and becoming such a young lady. I imagine I'll be meeting boys this year...so exciting ::).

With or without the shotgun? :D

Sunday Granny took them supply shopping while I took the younger two to walk the green-way. Spent the rest of the weekend relaxing and mowing the lawn. Have not had a weekend this easy since November of last year.


We too can catch a break once in a while...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #86 on: August 01, 2017, 08:45:46 AM »
She's making it easier to not take the bait. O few weeks ago I would jump at the opportunity just to see her, or smell her hair, or even just hear her voice. After the last few interactions it is getting easier and easier. Now she's telling me that I'm going to meet my death in a fiery auto accident. May be true, but I bet I have fun getting there. She really thinks herself a modern day oracle of sorts. And the things she's doing to her physical appearance....My Wife would shame my X Wife for sure.

MWB - Thanks for the kind words, I try to be. I never thought much of my dad, and I've always wanted to make sure that didn't happen with my kids. Mom was thinking along the same lines for about 14 years, but then she flipped. Oh Well.

UM - No shotguns here man. I'm open to my daughter having boyfriends as long as she keeps her head on straight. Instead of a shotgun, the guy has to go out with me before he can go out with my daughter, that is all I require.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #87 on: August 01, 2017, 09:00:42 AM »
Oh boy, I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that date.  ha ha

That might be worse than a shotgun.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #88 on: August 02, 2017, 09:42:01 AM »
Oh boy, I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that date.  ha ha

That might be worse than a shotgun.   ;D

Yeah.... I'm thinking like ....



or maybe

"Boy... Ah say now BOY!

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #89 on: August 02, 2017, 09:54:30 AM »
No nothing like that at all. I just want to get to know the kid that is getting to know my D14. Maybe I'm still too fond of my teenage years, but I think it has helped me. I've tried very hard not to be the standard issue over protective shotgun in the living room type of dad. I remember being 14 very well. It doesn't start to get foggy until about 17 lol. I felt like every adult I came in contact with was laying a land mine for me, setting me up for failure. I want to help my kids succeed at being who and what THEY want.

So far, with D14 the approach is working. Last year she got in trouble twice at school. The first time was for flipping a kid off in class, the second was for using the firetruck expletive in the hallway when someone scared the wits out of her. The first time, she tried to hide it. I got a call from an administrator wanting to set up a conference...over a bird flip. I thanked the administrator for letting me know and reminded her she had bigger fish to fry than a 13 year old being a 13 year old and I would handle it. I said nothing to D all evening to give her a chance to come clean, even dropped a few not so subtle hints that something was up. I waited until she asked me for something, I think it was to go to Anime club the next day or something. That's when I let her know that I knew about the bird flip and we had a conversation about time and place, and that she would not be going to Anime club the next day. When she started to apologize I let her finish. She was sorry for flipping the bird. I explained she wasn't in trouble for flipping the bird, I was way more advanced than flipping birds at 13, but that the reason she was being punished was for not being honest about it.

The second was basically a repeat from the school, but she let me know as soon as I walked in the door. I heard her story then asked if she was able to serve up any get back to the person who scared her and moved on. Now I get too much info from D14, but I think I know everything I should without having to snoop or get reports from others.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #90 on: August 04, 2017, 10:48:01 AM »
OK so I just had a lunch with XW  :-\ She wanted to talk about paying the storage bill and the parenting class she still has yet to take for our D. I think she has about 16 more days to get that taken care of or she will be held in contempt. I'm going to pay the bill for storage and tell her she has until the end of the month to wither get the rest of her stuff out or figure out how to pay it herself. On the class, she needs to do it. I think she keeps putting it off so she doesn't have to "get her hands dirty" with the D. She hasn't had to do anything with it so far except to hurriedly sign all of the documents without reading them, she didn't even show for the hearing. I think in her mind we are still not divorced.

She broke down immediately when talking about the kids and getting ready for school. She admitted she has had realizations lately about SOME of the issues we've had, mainly to do with money and the ability to do "things". While I think this is good, we didn't even touch on any of the bigger issues. I think this is pressure from others getting to her. She is facing continuous questioning about the kids and school and she has no answers because she is not part of the process. A while ago, maybe even as recently as a few days ago I would be falling all over myself about this being the first step to reconnecting and getting excited about the prospects of getting my W back. Today's 80Geo says ah ah ah not so fast sucker! This is going to be a boomerang weekend I know it. I'm getting the nice and lovey dovey and I'm sorry now. I'm not sure what she is angling for just yet but I know once she gets it or gets denied I'm going to get monster.

Without putting any pressure on her (I think) I let her know that I did in fact still want her back (should have kept this to myself) but that we both had a ton of ground to cover yet. You don't know how badly I want to drop everything and rescue this poor girl right now. Gyaaaaaaaa do I miss her so. I know what that will do though. We'll be OK for a bit and then we'll go right back in the tunnel, maybe even worse the next time.

Sorry if I'm rambling and disoriented, she crosses my wires every time I see her. I'm so much better at understanding everyone else's MLC situation than my own lol.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #91 on: August 04, 2017, 11:14:48 AM »
Geo, it's always easier to see someone else's situation, because you're not involved.  You can look at it realistically.  Your own is much harder, you emotionally involved.

Sorry, she got your wires crossed today, but you know that will happen when you're around her for awhile.  Just try to limit contact for now.

She's only been in this for 8 months, not even close to enough time to get through this, so yes you're right she will go right back in the tunnel.
Try to stay strong, Geo.  I know this is hard but you have a lot of time to just work on you and enjoy your life as much as possible.  She won't be going anywhere too soon.

No, you shouldn't have told her you want her back, but it's done.  Even though I think she already knows that, no need to tell her again.

I'm glad you said...ah ah no.  You know better.  ::)

Can you maybe plan on being busy this week-end?   Maybe not be so available for the boomerang week-end.
I'm sorry I know you miss her and I definately know how hard this all is, but you've been doing good. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #92 on: August 04, 2017, 11:24:02 AM »
I'm only a little ahead of you and one thing I've found is just to change the language that I use. I made a boo boo the other day, but let her initiate everything (as we say, let them contact you, no R talks). I was on the phone with W and she suddenly started about talking about wanting to come home. I said it was on the table, but she needs to talk to me about it. What I should have said was "you need to take steps to make that happen". It would have put the action on to her and left me out of it, because as thunder said, she knows I want her back. The emphasis should be on them doing the work..

I kicked myself once or twice that I did that, but hey, it happens! Don't sweat the small stuff.. and they're clingers, it's not like they won't be back.  ::) Soon and frequently.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #93 on: August 04, 2017, 12:11:13 PM »
The kicker here though is, I don't really know that I do want her back. Now who's in MLC huh? I can't tell if it's really a desire to be back with her or just to go back to comfortable. I mean, she still stirs me from the inside whenever I see her so I guess that's something. But I still feel nothing but anger for her right now too so pfffft.

Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #94 on: August 04, 2017, 12:29:10 PM »
Give it time dude.. I told my wife, as I read it somewhere and I agree, to wait at least a year before an life changing decisions. She didn't abide by that, but I knew I wasn't in a place to make decisions.

Time is your friend.

I think it's normal to not know how you feel half the time either... that's why they say focus on you right now. Just GAL, take care of the kids and tune everything else out.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #95 on: August 07, 2017, 11:07:36 AM »
Update from this weekend. Pretty uneventful I'd say. Took the kids out to the mall and let the little ones ride the carousel and the 3 girls got their hair cuts. They are growing way to fast. My oldest daughter is really coming in to her own and it scares the stuffing out of me. XW of course had to come along acting like besties. I guess 3 hours of that was worth passing on the monster that would have shown had I not allowed that.

Sunday morning we picked up some breakfast and ate at the park. It's always empty on Sundays until the churches start to let out. I love the peace and quiet and watching my kids be able to run the whole place with no interference.

So I guess for my own sanity at some point I'm going to have to stop letting her act like we aren't divorced whenever she wants to. I think I have a hard time seeing it as cake eating because all she is doing is spending time with her kids(lying to myself here). I just don't want to deal with monster. It isn't that I'm afraid of her, it's that I'm afraid of me. I have a temper. Not to the point of physicality or anything like that, but once my fuse is lit there is no stopping it. Who knows best how to light that fuse? Someone who's been doing it for 15 years. Even knowing that she doesn't mean what she says, she's in the fog, all of that goes out the windows sometimes and I can't help but to fight back. Surrender has never been my forte.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Mae

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #96 on: August 07, 2017, 12:22:02 PM »
What you said about anger Geo is why I let sleeping dogs lie too in my situation and I never realised it before. I'm really really slow to anger but if I get there (which is rare) there's no going back so I never let it out because I know I will have to live with the consequences.

As I was reading your post about you saying how you let your wife know that you wanted her back....I was thinking.....hey wait a minute isn't Geo divorced and done? I guess we're not done until we're done.

If you had to engage with the ex......I too would choose Banner over the Hulk.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #97 on: August 07, 2017, 12:29:31 PM »
Yes I am D. I didn't know anything about MLC until the day I signed my divorce papers. I asked my lawyer if he had ever seen a mother roll over so easy and his answer was "textbook MLC if you ask me". So at that point, all I was waiting on was a hearing date and was too far down the road to do anything different. Besides, like I told SeeShell I think it was, If she loves me she'll come back no matter what. If she wants to remain this person she is now (32 going on 14) I don't want anything to do with her. If she can become some of what she was before all of this I would drop everything to have her back.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Whyus

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #98 on: August 08, 2017, 03:39:23 AM »
The kicker here though is, I don't really know that I do want her back. Now who's in MLC huh? I can't tell if it's really a desire to be back with her or just to go back to comfortable. I mean, she still stirs me from the inside whenever I see her so I guess that's something. But I still feel nothing but anger for her right now too so pfffft.

I can relate to this mate.
Im not sure if i want W back either. Sure I love her to bits but shes not W anymore. She would have to show some sure signs that she WANTS to come home to even have a chance:-

1.  I do not miss having a vegetarian in the house,
2,  I do not miss have a W why spends more than an hour on make up
3,  I do not miss having a W who spends 2 hours in the Gym everyday (this would have to be    cut down considerably!)
4, I do not miss telling somebody where im going and when i will be home

There are also lots of things that i do miss but that's for another thread :-)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline MoreWillBeRevealed

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #99 on: August 08, 2017, 06:19:31 AM »
Isn't it a blessing having awareness? I'm often grateful I learned about MLC as I can view all of this from the lens of reality and not confusion, wondering why the heck XH acts the way he does. Most people never learn abput MLC and exist in a world of massive confusion. We know what's up. That is a blessing.

Glad you had a great weekend.
M 4 years, together 7 1/2 years
Me 47
H 49
2014-2016: H withheld sex, love, affection, touch 100% of time.
BD1:07/20/16 "I'm not attracted to you anymore"--kicked H out and hasn't been back.
BD2: 10/17/16 OW, an ex-fiancee and an affair-down, confirmed.
Legal Separation: 10/27/16
Divorce Started: 12/2/16--I'm DONE!
Divorced 6/28/17

"I am not a one in a million kind of girl. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman."

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #100 on: August 09, 2017, 01:50:24 PM »
Hmmm, IDK, I think ignorance may be bliss here. Speaking from a very selfish standpoint anyway. If hadn't come across hero spouse I think I might have toiled for a bit then moved on. Now I spend my free minutes watching watcher and his armband and that damn hair!  ;D


In all seriousness though, you do make a good point, but the downside of knowing about MLC is that it does plant a seed of hope, which is most definitely a two edged sword in this context.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Whyus

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #101 on: August 09, 2017, 02:20:59 PM »
I agree totally. Even though im glad I know what's up im sure that if I didn't I would be long over W because I just would have seen the betrayal and thought " firetruck you $l()t" but I know it wasnt like that. I know she's a really good person whos lost herself and is suffering more than I am even though she had a choice and I had no say on the matter.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #102 on: August 10, 2017, 10:52:29 AM »
Quote
I have been on this site for five years, and very very few spouses have returned. Those few who did were mostly men.

I got this quote off of another thread I was just reading through. The post was made by Long Journey. I'm pretty sure I've seen it before as well. Does anyone know of a return story here where the W did come back? Navigator seems to be close, his W is home but from what I read last she may still be in the tunnel. Not trying to put the cart before the horse here, but I'm an analyst by nature and this seems like it could be important statistical information for me.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline MoreWillBeRevealed

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #103 on: August 11, 2017, 05:49:03 AM »
I haven't been on here long enough to know any W who returned. None I've seen in past year. Only guy I read whose W returned, STP, his W came home for a year, things were great, then she went back out in MLC land and is still there. He dates, a LOT, so he's not to focused on her coming back. Not sure if that would make a difference.

I had sort of an MLC at 35. Left my 1st H but mostly because he was an angry jerk. I honestly would have considered reuniting with him years later if he'd done work on himself and wasn't so angry all the time.
M 4 years, together 7 1/2 years
Me 47
H 49
2014-2016: H withheld sex, love, affection, touch 100% of time.
BD1:07/20/16 "I'm not attracted to you anymore"--kicked H out and hasn't been back.
BD2: 10/17/16 OW, an ex-fiancee and an affair-down, confirmed.
Legal Separation: 10/27/16
Divorce Started: 12/2/16--I'm DONE!
Divorced 6/28/17

"I am not a one in a million kind of girl. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #104 on: August 11, 2017, 06:21:05 AM »
Go back and read Denjef's threads...

She had an MLC, made her way through it, reconciled just to have her H go off into HIS MLC...

You want to read what goes on inside a MLC Mind? She wrote it, blow by bitter blow... I have to say that I have the utmost respect for her as she laid it all out, no padding, no evading the fact that she was the one doing the stuff... Took a lot of guts to expose one's self like that...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #105 on: August 11, 2017, 06:50:08 AM »
MWBR - I think I started to read that one, but it read more like a playboy's screen play and seemed a bit braggadocios to me and I'm not here for dating tips or erotic fiction lol. Maybe that's a little disrespectful, but the story just seemed out of place to me.

UM, how did I know you would have the answer old Bear  ;D I think I will make a read of that this weekend. I'm a glutton for punishment apparently so I am dying to get some insight to the fog.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #106 on: August 11, 2017, 07:49:33 AM »
You're not the only 80s...

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #107 on: August 11, 2017, 07:53:04 AM »
Only one which? STP thread or glutton for punishment lol
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #108 on: August 11, 2017, 09:02:12 PM »
Hey Geo - are the kids with their mother this weekend?  If so, what excitement do you have planned for you (besides reading denjef's threads)? 

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #109 on: August 12, 2017, 06:12:37 AM »
Hi SB,

They are supposed to be. Took the older girls to spend the night at friends houses for the weekend, they are uncomfortable in the house where xw stays.

The babies are supposed to go today and stay with her tonight, but yesterday I was told she didn't have any money to feed them with as her car payment sent her in to a negative balance again. She told me this after getting them excited about coming over so it's a passive aggressive way of asking for money without asking.

She did start driving for uber yesterday so maybe she earned something I don't know. She worked as a barista last night instead of a bartender so she didn't make any tips. The babies are excited so I'll probably end up providing food in some way. TBH I'm kind of disapointed in myself for knowing this much about her goings on at this point.

I stayed out too late last night after dropping of the girls. Nothing special just at xBIL's house. I didn't get home until 3 and slept til 9 this morning, I need to make local friends lol! Perhaps that is on the agenda for tonight I don't know.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #110 on: August 12, 2017, 06:23:30 AM »
LBS-ing explained by the late great Warren Zevon!

https://youtu.be/Fl0ahDKR0QU
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #111 on: August 12, 2017, 07:44:27 AM »
Heh, it just keeps getting better. XW can't come get the kids now because she lost her keys. ::)
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #112 on: August 12, 2017, 04:29:46 PM »
Sure....she can't find the keys.....that's a good one. 

So now she'll want you to bring the kids (along with their meal) over to her.  And, oh yeah, come get them too because her keys won't be found then either.  And bring that next meal with you then as well.     >:(

She's a hot mess right now.  Sheesh.... ::)
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #113 on: August 12, 2017, 06:57:32 PM »
Only one which? STP thread or glutton for punishment lol

Stp threats

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #114 on: August 13, 2017, 04:26:42 AM »
Ah gotcha. Yeah I could say more about it but I wont lol.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #115 on: August 13, 2017, 05:41:19 AM »
Geo, your W is so undependable why not try ONLY telling them she is coming when it's a sure thing...like I'm on my way sure thing.

No need to get the kids excited over nothing.

I'm sure sorry she is such a mess. 
Did I mention I hate MLC?   :(
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #116 on: August 15, 2017, 11:46:46 AM »
Oh Thunder I've been ahead of that for a while now. My default answer for all things concerning mom is: :"You'll have to ask your mother".

It is her that like to get them up and excited about seeing her. They go nuts on the phone for a few minutes then get off and her day is made while every 5 minutes until they actually get to go I am asked the same question over and over and over and over and over and...you get the point.

OK, so the key thing was apparently somewhat legit. SB, you were partly right. I went ahead and went that way to take them to eat over there thinking any minute I'd hear from her. Well breakfast became brunch, then brunch became lunch, then the waffle house crew figured they had seen us long enough and we exited. I still hadn't heard anything and the babies were getting impatient. D11 and D14 had spent the night with friends on this side of town and D11 needed to be picked up by 2:30. It was already 1:45 so I just texted her that I was picking up D11 and we were all just going home and she could try again in 2 weeks. Made it 3/4 of the way home and finally got a call that she had been to the dealership and had new keys made and had just picked up her car. Wonder where that money came from? Anyways, now i have to wait in a gas station parking lot for her to come get the kids at 3:45pm on Saturday.

Of course now she just had a new set of keys made and had less money than she started the day with (less than $0?) and nothing to feed the children with. I've got to stop doing htis, but the ATM in my back pocket spit out $80 without even using a PIN code. I had planned on going out this night, but the frustrations of MLC had gotten the better of me and I opted for a night in instead. It was quiet and peaceful. The next day she met me half way to half way to drop the kids off. Tired, cranky, over sugared and under slept all four of them, and D14 having her time, what a great afternoon in store for me! We all went to bed early this night lol.

Yesterday I get a call asking to borrow another $40 (it isn't the amounts here, it's the principal). Her bank is still negative and she has been working barista shifts and not bartender so she has no cash on hand either. She needs the money so she can continue picking up Uber rides to make the money back to bring her bank to a positive standing. Whatever it makes no sense, but I'll buy a $40 ticket out of an argument apparently. I met her at a gas station over by my house and gave her the money. When she promised to pay me back I just rolled my eyes and told her the til is running and it's up near a grand or more depending on how far you go back. She suggested to repay me through barter. She didn't offer any more than that and I am left wondering if my ex wife really just tried to bribe me off with sex? Well if that is the case, and since she left me with no alternate understanding I assume it is, I am utterly appalled. This is a new low. If she is willing to barter with me for friggin gas money, WTF else is she bartering and with whom?!?!? I swear I wanted to puke.

I have since gotten no less than 5 calls just to talk. She's reaching out to me as if we are old school pals or somehting IDK, but it's contact and it's coming from her and it's not about the kids. I hope this is just a T&G, or anchor checking, or what have you.

I don't think it is any secret that I have no clue about MLC before finding hero spouse. Since I have found it I have just settled in to the fact that this is what this is and it is going to be a long ride. All I have to say at this point is that this woman better damn well be sick! Having gone through all of this to find out it is anything less than a mental dis-ease and I just might lose it myself!

Well that about brings me up to date. I'm going to go wait by the phone for Nah to call:)



Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #117 on: August 15, 2017, 12:35:52 PM »
 :o!!!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #118 on: August 15, 2017, 12:45:30 PM »
This was probably tasteless, but you have to understand how desperate I was.. W could not cope with life, at all. Two full time incomes, I had a part time job, student aid.. we were set, but W was just shut down in panic mode. For the first 5 years of our marriage, we hardly kissed, hugged or had sex. I suppose I put my foot in my mouth when I offered to pay her for sex.. I felt like it was win win but she would have put the money in the bank and then complained we were broke anyway..  :'(

That's why I get mad that she loves the watch OM bought her. Not because it's from him, but because she took every gift I bought her back to the store for the money, out of some insane paranoia we're going to go broke. Extravagance is part of the MLC, I get it.. I just tried to do everything I could to help her, including put my foot in mouth, all of which she never saw.

piss, moan, grumble moan..

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #119 on: August 15, 2017, 12:54:12 PM »
Thunder - Please elaborate on your  :o  ;D

Gman - Making tit for tat jokes with your wife is one thing, we would do that all of the time. The joke being we both knew we wanted the other so badly that the tit and the tat were going to happen regardless. This was a no laughing not so subtle attempt at paying off debt to me. My name may as well be John now. (No offence to all you Johns out there)

Yeah I never really thought about this before either. Whenever we would get in a small pinch like broke on Wednesday but paid on Friday type thing, she would always offer to pawn her rings, or other nice jewelry I had bought her. Of course I always dismissed the idea as ridiculous, how about we just stay home til then hun? I always thought it was just from watching her mom as she grew up. This goes back to the beginning though so I don't think I can blame MLC.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #120 on: August 15, 2017, 12:57:06 PM »
Gman...No you did not.... :-\

I kiddingly said that to my X once but he wasn't buying it.  ha ha

Geo, I'm not touchin' that with a 10 foot pole.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #121 on: August 16, 2017, 10:30:11 AM »
Wow OK, so XW did something nice. Since we split, my mini van has been parked in the parking lot at my job collecting dust. With my job change coming up I will be losing the company vehicle so I needed to get the van in to the shop for service. She actually met me there after dropping it off to give me a ride back to work. We went to lunch while we were out and the conversation was mind boggling.

She has no recognition of what she has done being a bad thing. Tells me she needed to learn how to take care of herself. This of course isn't news, she's told me before. She says that if she were any other woman she would have taken me to court and cleaned me out. Sometimes I wish she would have tried. She is clearly stuck in the old school divorce mentality of mom wins. She says the kids are fine, I'm fine, she's fine. That my mom is a better mom than she is. IDK, it just boggles the mind. Talks about how much more loss she's had to deal with than everyone. She lives in fear of today being the day she dies. She says all of this in such an upbeat and happy fashion that it is just well a bit sickening. I mean I'm used to it by now, but really these words and the way she says them makes my stomach want to turn. Of course she has no pressure on her right now and she is just bartending and ubering up a storm. Anyway, I need to remove my focus from her again.

No bartering was done on this visit.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #122 on: August 16, 2017, 11:02:35 AM »
And just how is having to borrow money from you taking care of herself??  Pray tell..

Geo, you may as well be talking to a mental patient on the 2nd floor of a looney bin.  They make about as much sense.

Just let it go in one ear and straight out the other one.  Ok, ah huh... ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #123 on: August 16, 2017, 11:10:42 AM »
Right. I guess since I'm trying to see this as a mental health issue what I am expecting to see all of the time is someone who looks mental. Not the case with her at all. You'd think she found the secret to happiness just talking to her and it doesn't bother her that someone else is taking care of her kids.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #124 on: August 16, 2017, 11:23:17 AM »
I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that my W has had a mental illness all of our marriage. Not clinical, but severe abuse and trauma that wasn't healed from properly. 

Avoiders aren't happy...they may seem like it, but they aren't. I was lucky enough to remember the gay (happy) 70's. When I moved to florida, everything down here was so hippy then. I have no clue why.. It was mostly women (no offense anyone), but they all had hair like cher and wanted us to contemplate how the number 8 felt and you can just dance away your blues!

I was telling watcher this, but when I started part time at the college, my boss was one of those women and she was an avid runner. Her husband had some kind of early onset mental illness which ran in his family and she dropped him like a hot stone. They'd been together since the early 80's. She had the "who cares! life's a beach!" attitude down pat. Moved out, won't divorce him because it's too expensive, made him someone else's problem. She's been through two hip replacements because of much running she did over the decades.

I'm just saying, life can be a beach, but you still gotta get out of the sun otherwise you're going to get burned.

The biggest thing for me was I needed to validate my own rational thoughts, feelings and observations. It's easy to get caught up in trying to keep up with the twists and turns, but validate and maybe even anchor check yourself first! It'll help put some distance between you two.
« Last Edit: August 16, 2017, 11:26:02 AM by gman242 »

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #125 on: August 16, 2017, 11:26:54 AM »
Guess this just circles all the way back to letting go. Each time I think I have I find I'm still holding on, loosely as it may be.


Gosh....I,I,I,I, I'm starting to sound like her. And there I goes again.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #126 on: August 16, 2017, 11:30:24 AM »
that's an apt description of the process.

Offline TryinSoul

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #127 on: August 17, 2017, 05:45:31 AM »
Geo-  bbhelp had his W return if I'm not mistaken.
All that counts, is what comes next.

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #128 on: August 17, 2017, 05:53:57 AM »
Buuuut, she lived at home.I think its more likely they'll come out if it if they do. Everyone is different though.

Offline 80GeoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #129 on: August 17, 2017, 07:04:02 AM »
TryinSoul - Thanks, I'll check that out.

Gman - Way to pop my balloon lol.

I think I already know I'm going to end up standing regardless, it's just in my makeup. I don't want to really, this BS sucks and I am not looking forward to the next several years. That being said, this relationship was somewhat started out of me feeling bad for her situation and the things I had done to her. It was not a love at first sight type of deal, but it certainly grew in to that. I like the way Watcher puts it, we had 14 mostly good years before this, I don't want to let a handful of bad months pull it down the drain. What's scary is to think that just about the time this cloud lifts we'll be entering menopause age I think, more hormones lol, bring em on. No seriously, I love my wife. We had our differences but they were easy to overlook because the good far outweighed the bad. I want to do not very nice things to the woman I see now though. I'm almost afraid to keep moving forward though, I'll get so far past her that she'll feel it isn't worth trying to catch up.
Married 11/05/05
BD 1/13/17
Moved out with kids 4/6/17
D Final 6/20/17
DONE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9-bTdvgyV4

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #130 on: August 17, 2017, 08:18:44 AM »
Nah, she won't do that.  Usually moving forward is a good thing, for both of you.
She sees a strong man living his life and making it a happy one (one she just may envy), and you will not be wasting time if she doesn't return.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242

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Re: MLC - 32 going on 14
« Reply #131 on: August 17, 2017, 10:57:28 AM »
I wasn't trying to burst your bubble and I agree with thunder 100%. I'm in the same boat as you too. You're not alone. I'm going to wallow in my own thread, but I could have written the same thing.

 

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