Author Topic: My Story Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.  (Read 988 times)

Offline Jay78Topic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 31
  • Gender: Female
My Story Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« on: July 14, 2017, 01:00:06 PM »
A little about me and my wife we are a lesbian couple we have 3 amazing kids we adopted that we both wanted and fought hard to get them, My story just started well lets say my nightmare on April we just did our spring break vacation we held hands we laugh so hard great memories to hold on, in the begin of May I have beautiful text how much she loved me how much she loved her family, even send me YouTube videos our song by the end of May seen her changed I honestly ask her you ok, still remember as it was yesterday she look at me and said am not in love with you I said are you ok her response was yes, and when on from saying she ain't happy she needs to do 'Her" she needs to find herself she doesn't LOVE herself how can she love me and kids is she doesn't love herself, she kept going with horrible things, I didn't understand what was going on.

About her a 36 BD 6/29/1980, Military for 8yrs and came up in a home seeing her dad hit her mom and her favorite aunt dies in 2007 of breast cancer and she always said I am scared I am going get breast cancer. but  I honestly thought her PTSD was back.

Fast forward she said I already have an apartment so in my head I said this was Plan mind you she telling me now she needs some time again a little confused but I honestly thought it was going to blow over still show her love and affection kept showing her that am here and kids, by May 30th she was out the door with her clothes she going to the gym she tells me she getting breast implants and changes her  hair the way she dress I mean all signs where there,  I was in shock then withdraw our saving Now I seen she was serious but I was to late because she clean out our bank account I of course cried and beg and ask Questions and commons one was is there someone else her answer No but my gut told me different.

So she said the problem was me ok I honestly said she outta love, It happens to married couples all the time but I seen her treating kids horrible and splitting them up which let me explain,

My first son is her family side we adopted at 3months lets call him I9 and my other son F8 and my daughter L9 was my sister kids which we adopted 5yrs ago, so we adopted all 3 legally.

So now she gone for a week but tries to say I9 going with her because is her family so every time she didn't get her way or angry she would take him this went on for like 2 weeks finally she now realized it was wrong she now takes them but when she wants.
 
My kids are seeing all this unfold from changes to her New friend or the OW she has, this ow is always with her I of course need to know who is around my kids I ask she said she just a friend am not allowed to have friends mind you I know all her friends this is a New friend. Whatever I know she is the OW she has been seen with her but she will deny it the only thing I got is she is pretty amazing Wow is all I said.

I can honestly say am broken because this person is not who I know, just imagine being told the worse someone could talk to you and then how she treats our kids from going to her house she always texting or talking my kids have actually told her can you take us back home. She has completely forgotten to be a mom, in fact her house my kids only have cloths she wont have pictures or there belonging, example am moving I cant afford home so I ask can you take there desk and some things I was told there's no room mind you I know she lives in a big home and my kids have there room and says we have room but no signs of my kids living there. Very strange I told her what do I do with there things she said sell them or throw to the curve I was shock again this is not the women I married 10yrs ago but I said ok wow and realized there is something wrong with her how can a mother think like this. So by now I say she sees them twice a week maybe and is all about her my kids say she just shops doesn't buy them anything or acknowledge them. So forwarding she reminds me, she doesn't love me she reminds me I was her biggest mistake she reminds me I ruin her life. Wow again I didn't know life was that bad.

My question is will she come back I still have all important items she didn't take anything of hers just the necessary when I bring it up she says throw away, like really we are talking about important things valuable things in my heart I feel we are going work it out but there are days I am like this is not going any where like today I drop kids off where we meet I spoke with her, reminded her I still love her she said I know but while talking she was texting and smiling I figured it was the OW so I said what are you doing why ruin us she said, Am not in love with you and walking back and fourth yelling I know what I want I no longer want to be with you but 5 min later says I miss my kids I am tired I been working overtime keeping myself busy, so does she misses US, I mean it was 10yrs of us how can someone just walk away from this. I finally said goodbye she hug me which caught me off guard I again said let me help you her answer was I know what I want I said I know you don't want this life she said then let me figure it out myself. But this is the problem if I go 2 or 3 days without acknowledging her I see t her changing she gets mad I feel she is waiting for me to say Fine is over but I haven't. This forum has help me like I understand even if she wants to get back I need to heal there has been to much damage done verbally but should I completely give up because I always felt MLC was an excuse but now that living it my question is this Real because I honestly love my wife and is she is going through this then this is a mental disease so I took my vows serious through sickness and health so do I stick it out or do I let her go....... how do I tell my kids to let her go because I have gotten text saying they irritating her but my kids tell me we just want her to love us and tell us she love us how do you tell your kids... 

I am wondering if women are different or have I lost her to MLC

« Last Edit: July 14, 2017, 01:06:08 PM by OldPilot »
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W37
S9,D9,S8 
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Online OldPilot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12332
  • Gender: Male
Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2017, 01:05:52 PM »
My wife of 10yrs just walk out. We are lesbian couple we adopted 3 beautiful kids,  May she text I LOVE YOU you are my LIFE you and my kids are my world.. by end of may I seen her cold I ask she ok she finally said I am no longer in LOVE and says I have lost myself i need to find me for almost 9yrs i gave myself to ya and lost myself and she when on, and by June she had an apartment purchased all New furniture,started changing appearance and always saying am doing me FINALLY in the process I lost my best friend my soulmate my wife and my kids lost there mom.. I at first DIDN'T understand how can someone change over night so many emotions I wanted to shake her to wake up but I had to stay strong for our 3 kids we have two 9yrs old and 8yrs old they felt lost they didn't understand how can she abandon them. Finally she started seeing them but is very cold towards them doesn't hug them they say she always texting and laughing and having New FRIEND mind you she was an amazing MOM she baked with them before she would made sure they always have love NOW they barely get a hug. I am lost how can this happen we where iterally the perfect couple we had our days but alway talk it out. We wanted and valued FAMILY. I don't recognize her she went from I am not in love to i never LOVED you to pretty bad THINGS have came out her mouth i feel she regrets the last 10yrs of us. I never THOUGHT this could happen to me to us. But she listens when i tell her i LOVE her and her kids LOVE her. She will have her moments of anger but i learn to stay out her way because the more i talk she would twist anything I said to negative I am honestly lost and HURT because I truly LOVE her. All I do is take a day at a time with my kids. I always remind them how much she loves them mommy just needs time away but all we keep doing is praying everyday for her and I go through old videos so they remember the once amazing mom.

I hope anyone here has any better advice PLEASE let me know.
Thank you

From another thread

Online OldPilot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12332
  • Gender: Male
Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2017, 01:06:54 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Do you want a mentor?


Please make a request on the  Want a Mentor? stickie
-or-
PM  me.

A Moderator will be assigned shortly after your request.
Learn more about The Mentor Program


Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Online OldPilot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12332
  • Gender: Male
Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2017, 01:13:24 PM »
Glad you found your way over here from facebook.

I am going to suggest you read Rainbow Gals threads

Start here
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2463.0

there are links at the end of each one and she only has 2 and a half threads.

Online Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 17935
  • Gender: Female
Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2017, 06:48:27 PM »
Jay78,

I'm so very sorry you are hurting like this.

When they go into this Midlife Crisis it's like they lose their mind and nothing matters.  It's all about them and nothing else matters.

Well you matter and your kids matter.
Please know you did nothing to cause this.

Please keep posting your story so we can better know how to help you through this.

The first thing is take nothing personal that she says.  It's not true.

Secondly don't have relationship talks with her.  Ever.  She will make no sense.

Thirdly, take good care of yourself and your children.  Try to eat, sleep and get as much rest as you can.  Keep your body strong.  This is important, even if you need to take the kids on some walks...for some exercise.  It will help you all with the stress.

Are you watching your finances?  Sounds like she is already being selfish,
I would talk to a lawyer NOW, not tomorrow.  Not for a divorce but to protect you and your kids, financially.
They can help you.  She can not just clean out accounts.  I wouldn't wait if she is already taking money out of them.

I'm so sorry, hon.
We're all here for you.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Jay78Topic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 31
  • Gender: Female
Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #5 on: July 15, 2017, 05:13:07 AM »
Thank you Thunder,
I am starting to understand the not making sense part is like she is everywhere and convincing herself she doesn't LOVE me. I unfortunately have to deal with this is a nightmare. I have protected my credit cards and ect unfortunately where I am it was a joint account she could have removed the money. But she is not helping me financially with kids I haven't work due to work injury and we both made a choice that i should have surgery and recover and take my time as we have 3 young children again she left and took it all without thinking, is all about her her her... I honestly would say this much if no children where involved I would have already thrown the towel because the words have been very damaging and now knowing about the OW which she still denying. My concern is my kids.

So yesterday I went out since her leaving with some friends, well she took the kids over night they called to say GOOD night well she gets on the phone and says well sounds like your partying it up I wanted to say oh yeah am single and living LIFE bur of course I couldn't I replied am out with our friends well her reply was What ever have fun with your date and went on saying bye bye go on with your B**** I got confued I just don't understand She abandon her family she wanted this life of needing to find herself but wanted to make me feel guilty. So the whole night I just thought of her. But I told her yesterday you are losing me I can't keep doing this.. Well I know this much we have a long journey this has emotionally broken me and my kids and I haven't had time to heal because I have 3 precious kids to think about. I am hoping for the best for us.

Thank you everyone.
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W37
S9,D9,S8 
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Online Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 17935
  • Gender: Female
Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2017, 05:33:24 AM »
See Jay, by showing jealousy it tells you how screwed up her thinking is.

Just be cool with her.  Sometimes agreeing with them is the best thing.
"Yes, I am having a little fun, thank you."

Don't let her put her guilt on you.  You have done nothing wrong.  You deserve some fun.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Beacon Of Hope

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 334
  • Gender: Female
Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2017, 12:49:31 PM »
Welcome Jay, sorry you are here with us but I assure you that you are in the right place.  Reading your story it sounds similar to mine.  My W and I are also a lesbian couple and she has displayed many of the MLC "symptoms" your W has. The spending, the obsession with her looks and distancing from the kids. My W was 39 at Bomb Drop and I think for her case it was the stigma of turning 40 that sent her over the edge. The only difference is my W has found herself an OM and not a woman.

Keep posting your story and reading as much as you can. It helps a lot. I am almost 3 years in since BD and I have seen improvement but I assure you it's a long process.

Offline RainbowGal

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1097
  • Gender: Female
Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2017, 05:32:13 PM »
 Hi Jay,

 I have read your story.So sorry you are going through this,but hope you will find the advice you will receive here on HS to be helpful.We have walked in your shoes and while every situation is in itself,unique,there are many similarities and one can learn a lot just by being here;reading other's stories and participating when it feels right to do so.

 I have been assigned as your mentor and hope I can be of some service to you in the days ahead.

 
Quote
My question is will she come back
I am going to begin with this question of yours.Sadly,there are no guarantees with regard to MLC(and it DOES sound like you have a classic case on your hands).Truthfully,there are far less successful reconcilations then we all would like to see.That doesn't mean there is no hope.There is always hope.Myself and my W are one of the fortunate ones.We have come through the nightmare of MLC and value our time together more then ever before.So...yes,she may complete her MLC and be the better partner for it.....but she also may not and given the odds,you MUST take every precaution to put you and your family FIRST.

 My first bit of advice to you is to SEE A GOOD LAWYER IMMEDIATELY!As in yesterday.Given that she has already done damage to your finances,you need to find out what recourse you have.Are you legally married?If that was a joint account,you may be legally entitled to 50% of whatever she  removed.Find out legally what you can do,if anything,about getting your share back.I'm glad to hear that you have protected your own credit cards...but if you are legally married or legally common law,you may still be at risk for any debts she may be still be racking up...so it is imperative that you consult with a lawyer and know your rights and obligations going forward.If she is not paying any child support,you need to find out what her legal,financial obligations are and then enforce them.She wants to have her "freedom"...then let her,and let her also feel all the ramifications that come with that "freedom".

 Glad you don't have your head in the sand with regard to this "friend" of hers.Just KNOW she is cheating...know she will lie and obfuscate about it.Try to not have any relationship talks....nor tell her that she is "losing you".Words mean nothing at all to her right now.Your actions and healthy boundaries will have far more impact.There is nothing you can do to stop her crisis.That train has left the station and must go all the way to it's final stop.That doesn't mean you are powerless,however...in fact,you hold ALL the power and my hope for you is that you realize and embrace that as quickly as possible.

 Like you said you have 3 young ones to be concerned about.Be brave...stand up for yourself and them.Do not let her bully you or intimidate you...and she will try!If she comes through this,she will THANK you for protecting the family finances...she will THANK you for doing your best to limit damage to the kids.....and wild horses won't stop her from doing everything possible to try and repair the relationship.Do not make the same mistake so many make of being too "soft" in fear of losing them.To be blunt,she is gone already and you have young one to be concerned about.Boundaries are healthy and vitally important at this time.She is behaving like an addict right now and will likely continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

 Keep posting...I'll will be following along.

 “What are you going to do with all that dark?

Find a way to glow in it.”
-Amanda Torrini

 

 
Me-52
Wife-56
T-28 years
M-November,2010
3-furry four-legged loving canine kids
EA begins-Jan,2011
Mini BD-April 1,2011
EA goes PA-Sept 2011
ILYBNILWY speech-Oct 2011
PA with alienator 20 years younger confirmed-early Nov 2011
Moved in and out 8 times since PA BD date

Reconnected November 7,2012
Reconciled,2013

 And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream
-ABBA

Offline Jay78Topic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 31
  • Gender: Female
Please Help, W left Us
« Reply #9 on: March 14, 2018, 12:29:10 PM »
Hello everyone, 
OLD POST BEEN journaling since September more to come and more drama.

Where do I even begin with this nightmare my kids and I been living. 

Here we go and if I miss anything I will keep posting. May 2017 W literally walk away she just said those magic words ILYBNILWY, I lost myself the last ten years I need to find myself again. And as hard it hurted to hear W say those words I let her go. W leaving me with S9,D9 and S8 which we adopted together. I Knew I had to be strong for them W left and didn't hear from her only through text or when I seen her W was such a angry person. I started reading and understanding it was her fight not mines. 

Around August W came by my new home where kids and I lived where we were adjusting to life without W there mommy, W took S9 saying you have 2 and I have him because I never wanted the last two again we adopted all three nobody force her but in W head she never wanted this life, I guess being a wife and mother.I live in Illinois where child custody is 50/50 W made a choice to take only 1 because in W head she makes her own rules. 

I just had surgery through spine no money coming in but have amazing family and friend I finally hired a lawyer to get S9 back home living with us, his subilings and me his other mom. W didn't show up to court but lawyer did after 3 months not seeing son I'll be seeing him again until we go to trial. Throughout this process W concern was her lawyer to ask me can she claim kids in taxes because I haven't work. My lawyer was shock but I wasn't because that's all my W cares $$$ is sick how money is all she cares. Now wait for trail date to get s9 back home with his 2 sibilings and where son belongs home with us. 
HAVE MORE TO POST AND UPDATES
_________________________
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W37
S9,D9,S8 

At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W37
S9,D9,S8 
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk