Author Topic: My Story Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.  (Read 2496 times)

Offline Velika

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My Story Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #30 on: July 26, 2018, 03:20:21 PM »
This is probably the worst thing that can happen to any mother, and I'm so sorry.

When I look back on the first year or two after bomb drop and having to share custody, it was like having a razor slicing up my heart – EVERY SINGLE TIME. I would call and cry with my mom (she cried too) on the nights my ex took our son. It felt at times like my heart would break. It is a pain for which there is no remedy, because we know eventually we might find a new love but we will never find new children, OUR children, as they are now and as we want to be with them.

Equally traumatic is that we are now "co-parenting" with someone unrecognizable. I told people it is like being widowed and the evil twin you never knew your spouse had shows up, fights you for custody, accuse you of bad parenting, then takes your child half the time to raise with their partner you don't know.

Even more horrifying is the way a MLCer blatantly uses the children to impress the OW or to self validate. I remember looking at our son and all the time, sacrifice, and LOVE I had put into nurturing him in an authentic way, only to have my former H treat him like a little sidekick to impress his newfound buddies.

If I were you — and this is my experience — I would not give in without a FIGHT. Document everything. Make sure your behavior is impeccable. If you don't have any other place to document, document it here. Make sure most of the conversations are in writing. Don't let her boss you around. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you are both moms I think the first time I posted, but I can speak to this, as my former SIL also had this happen. Completely derailed, horrible parenting, suddenly turned on her husband. I'm planning to talk to my former BIL again next week, but last I heard he had learned all sorts of nightmarish things about her parenting over the last seven years.

I was in such a state of trauma and shock and the hits kept coming — which made it hard for me to stand up for myself and our son. Please, please know that this has nothing to do with you, your W behavior is horrifying and not normal. Big hugs. Stay strong!

Offline Jay78Topic starter

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Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #31 on: July 27, 2018, 10:53:04 AM »
V,
Yes is hard, I had a tough life basically in survivor mode always as a kid growing up nothing was handed to me and as I told my therapist and Lawyer this has been the hardest fight in my life but I know I won't stop I will have to be dead to stop fighting and I think for the love of my kids I will always protect them after dead.

You know at first I would say Spouse they thought he was a Man but when they heard it was a She many where shock due to her actions. It was crazy her behavior towards me but towards kids. I wish I can W tries to impress the OW, W doesn't care if it doesn't benefit her or anything she doesn't care.

I now can take responsibility for my actions I know where I went wrong in our Marriage but W blames me for everything wrong in her Life we been separated for 1yr 4 months and W still talks bad about me in front of kids. W tells s10 your like your F-ing mom because s10 tells her mom I got this or tries to open door for her is so sad. Nothing we can do is right.  I hate to label but sometimes I wonder is W a narcissist her behavior is nuts. Like this Sunday I explained to W some serious test will have done and it be good if we both there for support. W nodded and says Oh OW ain't going anywhere I nodded yes I know. But in my head I ask myself did W hear me say anything about our kids yearly check up. I know I told her I know am doing my part.

V, yelp I sometimes don't know why kids are with her because W has two CPS case for choking our s9 and ow gripping him up and marking him. I must say the law to protect our kids suck and my s9 has spoken up and they made W only do parenting class and angry management I still cry when writing this. I kept my cool through all this God has been my strength but I have told my lawyers and GAL what are we waiting for, must one of my kids be dead so ya can see. Unfortunately I was told we want kids to have both parents we will Help W. I honestly don't want to take kids away I know they need there mom but W needs help first W must fix herself first. Is sad to see once a strong women now Lost,shark eyes so much anger.

My kids are my strength I do pray maybe W needs to spend time with them so she can see W has 3 amazing kids that are in front of her for her to fight her way back to her kids

Speaking for me I will always Love W but I know there's to much damage I mean am not sure if we can ever reconcile there's days that I know with God anything is possible and everything in this world can be fix but sometimes I ask myself would it be fare to W and me it's a scar that will be there it will heal but my heart will always have a scar that I know W made. W didn't just broke me mentally she broke kids too. We 4 kids and I are in a better place but it's hard we all have good days and bad days.

Today am sad tomorrow is W birthday and big 38 but W tells kids at least am not old as your mom btw am only 40.. SMH that shows many of W behavior.  I just pray for W to follow God and for God not to give up on her W is somewhere in there her evil twin has taken over.

One day at a time :)
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Offline Nevertoomuch85

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Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #32 on: July 27, 2018, 11:13:39 AM »
Sending prayers jay

Offline Jay78Topic starter

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Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #33 on: July 28, 2018, 02:06:06 PM »
Never,
Thank you...

Journaling,
Since BD I have stayed away from my family because my family is one of those family that are not forgiving and I always said If W and I work things out they will never understand this MLC world. Well today I got a phone call my uncle is in his last hours of cancer. I wanted to scream and of course my family doesn't know and if they do they haven't said much said do you think you all will be coming to see my Uncle I said just keep me posted.

1st I barely have a $100 in account things are tuff. And 2nd my kids are going through enough so unfortunately I will not add on to there chaos.

But I know my W loved my uncle and uncle loved her. I texted W and told her what was happening W did say I am so sorry I loved him.
But interesting W stated I didn't know. My uncle been fighting cancer for 3yrs W and I where together when we both got the news W cried but now she says she didn't know he was sick.  Wow not sure even to believe if W really doesn't remember or she doesn't want to remember because makes her sad.

Please keep my little family in prayers God I will need the strength not being able to say my good byes to my uncle through this tough time of my life and kids 
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #34 on: July 29, 2018, 02:03:58 PM »
Jay78,

I don't think they even remember...

Praying that your uncle is comfortable, it is not easy, I know.
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Jay78Topic starter

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Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #35 on: August 01, 2018, 03:02:02 AM »
Journaling,
 So where do I began, Uncle pass away it was hard to honestly here that news am still in shock but I know life is short for us all we must forgive those and move on.

Cute love story about my Uncle he didn't talk much about relationship bit growing up I remember this woman they would talk about my uncle was hurt I mean hurt sad I seen him cry but I was young to u.understand so I found out that this woman that my uncle loved cheated on him. And produced a baby they went there on ways. Well guess what before he died he lived  almost yrs married to her... wow they rekindled there relationship and married and she stood by my uncle side. So they dated the first yr and he found out he had cancer so she proposed to my uncle she wanted to prove to my uncle she loved him and he lived 3 more yrs instead of only a yrs the doctors gave him... I cried hearing this story and I also wonder was this a MLC and WAW that she went through.. Before they separated she was 36 yrs old so while hearing this I did wonder. It was a beautiful love story. My uncle died with his soulmate next to him.

Update with W temperature checking, s10 had abdominal pain I had to carry him to ER I honestly thought it was his appendix so I had to call W.  So of course W came in and this is where things get interested and intense I honestly can say it was like a movie on slow motion .

So W is there and the first thing W does hands s10,d10 and s10 chips and drinks I calmly said s10 can't drink or eat just in case it is his appendix. W replied oh ok W offered me some also I said No thank you then W said look I took from my job all these goodies with a big smile. W honestly looked like a teenager with a bag or juices and candies and chips sharing witb her siblings. Then W almost gave s10 a drink I again calmly said he can't have anything. W replied come on just a sip. Wow I thought I had a teenager.

So during the waiting room it was very interesting W would talk to other patients about how she served the military and combat and how when I had a seizure and she saved me and how she now works at a job blah blah blah while I a. Sitting there with our kids. Kids will just smile and look at me.

So we get called in and of course it's W and I we are both women so I brought him in I was wearing the wrist band they give in ER for the parent. Nurse approaches me and says mom lets go we going do tests you be with him. At this moment W is getting agitated and says. Look we both are his mom OK with a sturn voice I should go with him am his mom we going to court and for summer we have them 1 week each switching.  The nurse politely said we just need a parent I nicely apologized and said lets go. W gave me the look of death I nicely said is ok I got him we both are scared. W was piss.

We are back from test we sitting back in room. W in front of kids says this is why we can never get back your stubborn.  I stood there quietly agaisnt the wall. W says do you hear me I just nodded.  So again nurses come in to draw blood amd IVy and more test. W feels left out because nurses are talking to me as I am wearing the wrist band as the parent who brought him in. They ask what happened mom as I am explaining W losses it. W says excuse me I am his mom we adopted them all 3 I am his mom we are going to court but in the moment he been staying with me and these two stay with her.
Yes you read this right. These two my s9 and d10 do live with me and s10 should be coming home soon with us again. I seen my daughter face my heart broke she said she doesn't love us.

So while W made herself look stupid explaining our crazy custody battle that s10 his her only child I once again apologized and continued with nurse to explain the situation. Which she got. Nurse tap me on shoulder and said hang in there mom. I did she could see W behavior.

So by then I sent my lawyer a email that W was being aggressive and I didn't want kids to see this so if I live and live s10 with W.
My lawyer said No that's what she wants you keep notes of everything but you must stand your ground and unfortunately your kids need to use to this personality W has being aggressive always.

So kids and I are waiting one is siti5on my lap the other holding my hand and other s9 sitting in between my legs not one of them sat next to them. I felt sad. They didn't want to be next to her. So then moved closer and started a conversation about my uncle passing. W said my condolence to you amd the family I see the viewing is on Thursday are you going my head was spinning how can W still talk to my family have them on social media like nothing we are not together. W when to telling me how she loves my family. Basically w was updating me more about my family as I kept this a secret I didn't want my family involved.
While in process it was getting cold W handed me a jacket saying please wear it is cold I dont want you sick. I nicely saidNo thank you I am ok.

Few hours pass W took s9and d10 to cafeteria to eat. S10 said mom am proud of you I smiled and said you didn't yell when she was yell at you or cried because Mom was being very mean to you I simply replied sometimes we gotta swallow our prideam here for you s10 just smiled

W is back and brought me lunch W sounded like my old W she says hun you gotta eat please I got you are favorite pasta salad  and a sandwich. It was nice to see that old caring W I had before mlc. Then she will talk about us she would smile I seen that I haven't seen since bd . W did lots of temperature check from me know she still have all my family in social media sick to know that. Also w puts a jacket around me as she can see am freezing and buys me lunch to eat.

Through all this W had her bad moments then her good one. It was crazy. And sad to see us together brought some memories.
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Offline Jay78Topic starter

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Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #36 on: August 03, 2018, 05:10:47 PM »
ournaling,
S10 is better still pain I think he might have pulled a muscle is hard trying to keep s10 to relax he is hyper he yet been diagnosed but I knew he has adhd s10 only can stay still if reading or focus on something he has to be doing something with his hands. But this is nothing new lol he been like that always and for me they are kids. 

Something interesting has been happening to W, on bd W stop talking to everyone we knew even her friends since middle school W had new younger friends, and OW friends basically a New life. I remember getting text from mutual friends asking if we where ok because W never returned their calls or text. W always been the one to be the life of the party. Well a mutual friend posted a picture on fb saying Thank you for a evening W. And a picture of the ladies together W and friends always got together. I usually cooked for them. But the picture also had OW in it but not smiling at all I mean at all and W it doesn't even look like herself. 
I know that usually MLC starts to reconnect with friends again So I been monkey braining and trying to see if something is happening. Also since s10 ER scare W has been calling them religiously I of course keep myself busy and don't listen to them but I hear W asking D10 questions because d10 is answering. Example Mommy is cooking and singing I wonder if W ask d10 what was I doing. 

I honestly am no longer dissecting W thoughts or movements but is interesting to see her behavior since bd I got to really see the crisis W is going through but as I said before to much Damage I mean to much. W didn't just break me W broke our kids literally to the point there's no turning back. 

One thing I can forsure say is mutual friends all had fake smiles. But I know if W is really going through WAW or MLC W can't hide her behavior so only time will tell 

Kids and I been having relaxing week due to s10 not feeling well and they start school in 2 weeks. So we been watching movies and snuggling a lot us 4 finally I can relax having my babies all together. 

One day at a time
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Offline Jay78Topic starter

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Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #37 on: August 14, 2018, 04:52:05 PM »
Journaling,

Well after W text last night we met today at drop off.  I was very nice still. W ask how d10 was feeling but d10 is with me so why not ask our daughter after giving s10 a hug and saying see you Friday buddy.  W ask can we talk. Again W is different person not sure who I get. So I ask my kids guys go in car and wait. I waited till door closed   

W why do you gotta always make me look like a bad mom
M I am not I am making sure our kids are physically and mentally ok I need to be there lighthouse
W you make it seem like am a horrible mom
M sorry you feel that way I am just trying my best to keep kids together that's all just trying to be there for them
W says please stop telling kids I had a great childhood you don't know what I went through or gone through. 
M I am sorry you feel that way. But they are only 10 and 9yrs old I don't think our kids needs to hear your dad is an alcoholic and beat your mom for 18yrs and you where sexually abused by family member, I am sorry they only kids but I also know that one day our children's will have to know the truth but at the moment they are only kids
W silence
M again sorry that you think that I think you had a great childhood I acknowledge what you went through and you as a child shouldn't have that happen. Now you understand why I want our kids to know that life isn't perfect but also give them the childhood you didn't have that was rob from you. Again am sorry.
W silence
M ok have a good day
W ok let me know how she keeps feeling

Now I honestly don't know what stage W is in but I also have came to the conclusion I have ro learn to live life without W her childhood might be so damaging W maybe will never face her demons.  But my faith is strong I know with God anything is possible. 

As I stated before this is hard I always been a fixer and to see W so broken I break behind close doors. I ask God and talk with him. Please God help her fight this our kids need her, I freaking miss W I do but is this damage to much I ask myself. 

I just want to hug her and say W your safe with me I got you I promise I won't hurt you or let anyone ever hurt you I am here now I promise.  But I know I can't I just have to sit there and maybe if that day ever come the lighthouse light will still be on waiting for her return. 

Tomorrow is another day,  One day at a time
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Offline Jay78Topic starter

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Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #38 on: August 15, 2018, 06:37:35 AM »
Journaling

Well d10 had a break down last night my three kids are like me when it comes to solutions and being fixers.
D10 mommy why did mom ask how I was when I was there. Is like mom doesn't want to talk to me she hates me
M big hug for d10 kiss in forehead let her cry and scream while d10 hug me tight. 
M to d10 you want answers
D10 yes why why did mom just leave us
M you had to grow up really quick the last yr and 5 months and we might never get answers because guess what am also that way I need answers you have one of my traits you three have to remember something always that I am learning myself.  " Is not your fault, you did nothing there was nothing you or your brother's or me that could have made mom stay.
D10 am scared mommy you might leave us too
M is ok to fear and be scared and my job is to remind you I will never go anywhere, I am here forever and guess what you three are stuck with this mommy.
D10 chuckle, laugh and squeeze me tight
M remember one day at a time and not your fault
D10 will mom ever be back to herself
M d10 I have told you three I will never lie to you, I don't have the answer to that question but remember with God always anything is possible. 
D10 mommy thank you for everything you do and making sure we are safe and caring for us.
M d10 thank you for recognizing me I am trying my best. I know as a parent I will never be perfect but am trying one day at a time
D10 mommy you are perfect.
M thank you my little Angel
D10 mommy is ok to cry
M tears running down my face I know I just don't like doing it in front of you three but I do. I am hurt also like you and saf and mad and I want answers but I am learning that we may never get answers. 
D10 yeah I learning from you alot. You have lots of patience for Mom, she is mean
M sorry you feel that way
D10 one more hug before night night
M ok big hug

I tucked s9 to bed
S9 Thank you mommy
M welcome baby
S9 good night
M good night my sweet boy

I look over and s10 bed empty I walk downstairs with tears running down my face, telling myself this is just not right.  Is sad to not have s10 with us. I know there's a plan and court soon.  But the thought W did this I thought it was ok and we are now at court about to go to trial and knowing W might be seen as unfit parent and could never see our children again makes me sick. I know that I never intentionally wanted to hurt W but I also know I am a mom first kids come first I tried very hard to do this without court or cps but W cause this by trying to take s10 and his sibilings away from each other.  I know am doing the right thing. It just still hurts to know things had to go this far. W might lose everything I know she loves.
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Offline Thunder

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Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #39 on: August 15, 2018, 08:59:20 AM »
I'm very sorry Jay, but losing everything sometimes just has to happen.

Those kids need to be together with the only sane parent they have.

Your conversation with D10 breaks my heart, but everything you said was perfect.  You were nurturing, honest and you answered her questions the best you could.  I'm proud of the mom you are.

Your W may not come back, but I would say, there will be a day she will thank you for taking such good care of those kids, and for fighting for them when her head was so screwed up.
Don't worry about how the courts treat her.  At this point it doesn't matter.

I hope you get all the kids together and get child support set up, even what she owes you going back...and do NOT feel bad.  These will be consequences for her to face.  They need to feel them.  Maybe that is part of God's plan.  It may be part of her healing.

Please let us know how it goes.

God bless you Jay, and those wonderful kids.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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