Author Topic: My Story Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.  (Read 1460 times)

Offline Jay78Topic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 58
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #40 on: August 15, 2018, 10:51:16 AM »
Thunder,

Thank you once again,
Yes having these heart to heart conversation is pretty hard, I have  said this has been my hardest fight ever.

D10 is more of I want answers,  and more mature for her age.  Where the boys also hurt but on their own pace.  They rather not feel then ro feel which speaking with my therapist is scarier. S9 is learning to Express his words more. S10 still only says W makes me mad. He has anger.  But therapy is helping alot. Slowly they opening up. It's been 7 months for d10 6 months s9 and s10 started almost a month ago and all three do individual therapy they each have their time to speak up. I also have my own I use to be the person thought therapy was for crazy people Oh God how I was wrong Therapy has been my life saver our life now for us 4.

I again will take any advice giving and use it as I am alone no family and not lots of friends. I always been the person to stay to myself.  I am learning to spread my wings 
« Last Edit: August 15, 2018, 10:53:16 AM by Jay78 »
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Offline Unraveled

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 137
  • Gender: Female
Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #41 on: August 15, 2018, 11:16:41 AM »
Jay,

I think you did a great job in your conversation with your daughter, but I am puzzled over the conversation with your W and you mischaracterizing her childhood to the children.  You say in the same post that she is rewriting history, but aren't you doing the same?

My kids are a little older, but what has become clear to me through things they have said and things the counselor has said, is that it is rather important for children to reach the stage where they can see their parents as real people, faults and all.  By telling the children she had a great childhood, I'm not sure what you accomplish.  Certainly they are too young for the details and ideally some day that should come from her, but I question telling them the opposite is true.  Wondering too why they even needed to hear anything about her childhood?

What happens if they learn the truth someday and feel that you mislead them?  Wouldn't it help them understand her actions better if they knew that she had a tough time as a child and sometimes when people can't make peace with that it causes them problems later in life.

I can see how this might have upset her and perhaps felt controlling and history-rewriting.  Also, it is not really validating her experience, which everything I've read suggests that we should be doing if we hope to have another chance with our MLCer, which it sounds like you do.

While children should be protected from details that are not age-appropriate, I don't think telling them things which are untrue is ultimately helpful for them. 

Offline Jay78Topic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 58
  • Gender: Female
Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #42 on: August 15, 2018, 11:42:22 AM »
Unraveled,
 No I didn't say this what I said was what W told me what I stated after W said this was W am sorry you feel this way but kids are to young to know what happened in your childhood. It's been 2 days since this happened and when I was about to get in car out of nowhere W said this. I honestly don't talk about W with Kids unless kids talk about W. I have wondered where did this come from W saying this and thinking I talk about her. My biggest concern when W stated this was Please they to young to know the truth and as their mom that's my opinion we all raise our kids differently.

I will stand my grounds that d10,s10 and s9 don't need to know details of W childhood that was rob from her. If you read I wrote W I am sorry your childhood was rob from you now you understand why I am protecting our kids.

I am very clear that one day when proper age and time W could come clean to our kids about her childhood again at a proper age. As I myself will talk to my kids about my horrible childhood why I don't stay connected with my family why I live 1300 miles away. Everything is at a proper timing. My kids been through enough the last 1yr and 5 months. I don't need W to add more from her leaving them, separating them telling them I never wanted them, you force me to be a mom,Stop forcing me love them. I hate them. All did W has said and done I have forgiven her. But the one thing for the first time since BD I ask please wait till there old enough to understand, rape, abuse, alcoholism and grandpa beating grandma till almost death.

Now I respect your choice but if you think W should say this to them then I will ask you to check yourself because no child in this world should hear this especially age and at this moment.

Now also let me add my kids don't live in a bubble at all they know what they need to know my kids ask me questions mom where's your real mom and dad I reply around.  Will we ever meet maybe sometime not now, how was your childhood mom it was ok when ya are proper Age I will tell you more. I know I am not going tell my kids I was raised in the streets my mom did drugs, I myself abused physically and mentally my mom chased me with a knife almost lost my life. Again everything is told at proper time and my kids are not ready to hear this and that's all I ask W please kids don't need to know this at their age.

I myself am 40 and step mom and I have an amazing relationship but I just found out why she divorced my father how he hit my mom, he forfeited her name, pawn there things and I was 21 when my dad and step mom divorced and my mom just told me I ask her myself mom why didn't you tell me before my mom answered me you where starting your life and it was my fight not yours I was just waiting for the right time. So now I understand what my mom was saying to me now that I am a mom and going through this. Yes I keep things away from my kids because they so young still they have two jobs in this world is to get good grades and to be kids. I decided to be a mom so my job is ro protect them till my last breath.
« Last Edit: August 15, 2018, 12:07:17 PM by Jay78 »
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Offline Jay78Topic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 58
  • Gender: Female
Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #43 on: August 16, 2018, 03:27:28 PM »
Journaling,

When I think W might realize what she has done is wrong separating kids, leaving us. W is back as BD.

As we know court soon. S10 started school I ask for a picture nothing. Then I called s10 yesterday to talk to him and d10 and s9 to speak with him. I didn't get a call after 9pm  then W text pretending she didn't know kids have a schedule.  For 9yrs our kids been in bed scheduled. I simply replied they in bed at 8:30. W monstering text as this.

W I didn't know kids have a schedule, also I will not be available for you to speak to s10 as I have work and a life, I also shouldn't give you any reasons. And at your beck and call. Also I ask you to remain flexibility as the situation arise. Also I am not ok not able to speak with my children there you go keeping them from speaking with me.  Also I don't want kids speaking to each other about how they going be together one day. You should stop them from talking when this is not set stone in court. Thank you.

Sooooo ummmmm nope I didn't even replied sorry there is nothing to say to W. As I know W is once again isolating s10 once again from me and his siblings is so sad. I have reread W text contradicted everything literally. W wants to have a life but I am suppose to be available when W calls or text.  I am now confirmed W is to far gone. I know theirs many stages so will you say W is in replay.  This was W last year keeping kids away from each other not letting me speak with him. I am at all.

And in the process our kids hurting d10 crying herself to sleep her brother is her twin she misses him s9 acting up. And in process W can only think of herself her life.

As I said I simply don't have any words to say to W,
W has always felt she is above the law
W doesn't care of the consequences and am done trying to protect her from kids hearing any negativity I try so hard to make so many excuses when W f up.

I am truly done there is no hope for even us to be friends or business partners W is off her rockers.

God knows I am breaking, not because of W damage. I am breaking because our kids are breaking more and more. When I am piecing our kids to protect them W has a way to break them and me no matter what W knows my kids are my world they are my weakness and W is for sure using it.

All I can do is One day at a time.
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Offline Jay78Topic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 58
  • Gender: Female
Mediation for kids, dealing with my W
« Reply #44 on: August 23, 2018, 07:36:23 AM »
Hello, I am here to take all advice. My story is like everyone W left to find herself, ILYBNILWY andeft me with our kids. 

Together 10yrs adopted 3 beautiful kids,good career,  beautiful home,dog. We had a pretty normal life, we didn't see this coming me and the kids W needed to find herself and within two weeks W took OW to family reunion. W moved out by then was posting pictures in social media W traveling and enjoying life with US.

In that process I taken care of three broken hearts including mines also. Within 3 or 4 months W didn't contact only text here or there. Hello how are kids or what ya doing nothing much. And in the 4 or 5 months W came after I had a big surgery took my s10 saying you keep s9 and d10 and I take s10. I of course was in shock called police unfortunately was told this was a family dispute must take to court. 

I had no money couldn't hire lawyer took me 3 months to sell things to at least start the process in that process W didn't let me talk or see s10 basically kidnap our son. Finally went to court started the process.  Kids got a GAL and almost there to having all 3 kids together as W doesn't want other two.  Goal here is for kids to be together and I get full custody W needs lots of help.

But my question is I never done this. First time in mediation  I take all advice on anyone who has done mediation with their Ex who is just like a narcissist lies, and lies. How could I be in a room with someone for 2 or 3 hours when W can't even talk to me about our kids school. 
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Offline mitten

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 289
  • Gender: Female
Re: Mediation for kids, dealing with my W
« Reply #45 on: August 23, 2018, 01:35:25 PM »
Jay...I was going to try mediation with H but we never got that far.  Although court fees are costing soo much it would have ended up in court any way so I saved the money of mediation to.

Sounds like your W is similar to my H in the constant high energy monster mode...doing outrageous things (kidnapping your son is worse than anything my H has done so far, bit theres still lots of time  :o). 

I was very anxious about mediation and was advised to only do shuttle mediation (in separate rooms) especially with a MLCer who is irrational, lies and is difficult to communicate with. 

I think I would avoid it completely but it’s doesn’t look good on you if you dont try unless you have a good reason not to. 

Just don’t have any expectations that you will get anything reasonable from your W..stick to the facts and leave the emotion out and record everything in case you need it later for court
Married a loving and devoted husband and father.
No clue he didnt love until BD.
Complete change overnight in to monster.
Live in monster for 8 weeks.
Moved out to sisters Oct 2017
OW discovered as soon as he moved out- older by 10 years, worked for him as cleaner and laundry woman.  Is extremely manipulative. Has 4 children and divorced twice. EA for approx 2 years not sure how long PA.
Has been living with OW since xmas day.
Has confirmed relationship with her through solicitor and going through process of divorce (not wanted by me)

Offline Jay78Topic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 58
  • Gender: Female
Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #46 on: September 06, 2018, 04:19:27 PM »
Well must say Illinois law us 50/50 no matter if one parent is doing wrong or whatever the case is. Just to update during mediation W blame me for everything, 

W, You broke me I will not allow you anymore to bully me and control me. You are horrible to me. I freaking loved you I worshipped the ground you walk in. No more I am done we will never be together. I know what I want. Blah blah 

M I am sorry you feel that way. 

W. You see your heartless. Only God knows if something ever happens to you I would die. You mean everything to us. 

M quite. 

Mediation. I recommend Therapy for both of you there's lots of hurt W. 
W No I am angry
Mediation you both need therapy I am recommending both only you and W. 

W crying uncontrollably 

M holding tears. Using my marbles and meditation while mediator is talking. 

Well in all this W is hurting kids. Little did I know W has been in contact with biological parents of trios and says kids should meet them. Wtf and guess what I can't do nothing not even I can stop it as long W is there at visit and supervised. 

Basically I must sit back and let W F up kids life. While W destroying life I must be the glue for my kids. 
Mediation agree kids must stay together so now is either I move to be W neighbor or W moves to be mines so kids will be 1 week on and off. And if trios want to see W or me during any of our weeks they can. 


Hahaha this is a f***ing nightmare. Mediator called me because I was quite I basically said what is there to say. As long our kids are together. Mediator said there's lots of hurt and I see you both love your kids alot. And my opinion this marriage can be saved......

Nope nope nope ... W is a narcissist really controlling and can manipulate everyone. One minute I broke her She hates me so much she would move away but W said I can't because of kids. Then W says if anything happens to you I would die. Yes I am sick I have seizures and MS I just had spine surgery more to come. 

What I wanted to say wow when you really love someone you don't hurt them. 

To me it was a waste not once W acknowledged her 50 percent, W said I kept kids away, I told her to take s10 I keep kids away. Everything was my fault. I honestly will tell you that I did shut down. 

I came from a chaos family physically and mentally Abused so when W yells screams and waves hands around I emotionally shut down. During mediation that is exactly what happen. I must hang in co parenting with a narcissist or mlc or whatever W is but in the process I am being mentally drained. I cried all weekend even thinking must I walk away from my kids to save me. I am depressed I feel W wins we are 50/50 we must be neighbors for kids. But in this process I am going to go crazy myself. with W. 

Again Illinois law changed 2yrs ago there's no such thing as full custody or anything is 50/50 not even if a parent is f up. Welcome to my world. Lol I must laugh or cry about this.


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Offline Jay78Topic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 58
  • Gender: Female
Re: Am Losing My Wife and My Kids losing there Mom.
« Reply #47 on: September 06, 2018, 04:20:56 PM »
Yes I am upset who wouldn't be, W left kids and then separated them and now W is the Victim. 

Ok I am learning I can't control W actions. Yes kids are together that is what I wanted. 
That was the most important thing to me for our kids to be together and they will be. 

Now I have to move due to W is in a better school district. That's the part is upsetting but I also understand 
is for the kids. 

The tunnel I am in all I see is my kids in it. Everything I have to do is for the Trios. 


Look I am not a dumb woman I know kids will have to meet biological parents 
I always knew that but I also said when kids where old enough to understand. 
I the last year W has shock these kids I can't imagine the struggles my kids 
Keeping that secret of not to tell me. W is teaching them to keep secrets and big ones. 
S10 cried hos eyes out apologizing to me. I am sorry I never want to meet the people that hirt me but W 
is making me. Of course I just hold him in the process saying is ok. You will be ok. I am here. 

Yes kids should meet their biological parents no doubt but when the time was right for them they 
Only 10yrs old and 9yrs old. Give them the choice to say yes or No. 

But is done there's nothing I can do but be there for them. 

I also agree I been in therapy for 10 months I have been healing and mentally getting stronger and 
Realizing my mistakes in my relationship and owning up to my 51% . 

Now since mediation we must go to therapy together W and I because mediator said there's alot of hurt here
And you both need it. 

Ok, so again I will go to show mediator I am here for our children's so I 
can learn to communicate with W. But all I hear in W is you, you broke me
Is because of you I am miserable. Blah blah. Now how can I take care of me 
whem now w and I go to therapy and all the progress I have done I must now relieve 
my past again. 

I am just frustrated. I wish W would vanish like some other 
Mlc or waw is easier then having someone constantly their.
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk