[How long since bomb drop?]

How long since bomb drop?

0 to 1 years

32 (36.4%)

1 to 2 years

32 (36.4%)

2 to 3 years

16 (18.2%)

3 to 4 years

5 (5.7%)

4+ years

3 (3.4%)

Total Members Voted: 86

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I agree, bomb drop is the moment that catches us off guard. The moment where they manage to hit us with a good punch and drop us like a ton of bricks. Bomb drop is the point where the avoidance becomes action. That is when the MLCer has to do something to really let the partner know that something is wrong with the marriage.

Bomb drop shocks us and it catches us off guard. It leads to the weight loss. It leads to the fear and pursuing behaviors or it can lead right to divorce. That is why it is such a painful moment and strikes at our very soul. I will always remember bomb drop and how it all came to pass. Even now, I feel the tears in my eyes even as I write about a moment in time that occurred over a year ago.

It was and remains my own 9/11.

[Stillpraying]

Sept 09 - My H wrote me a letter about how unhappy he was with our marriage and that if I didn't change he felt he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with me.  I'd also written him a letter (which surprised him) as I was feeling he was emotionally distancing himself from me.  A definite change of behaviour - ie going off while I was still talking about something to him, as if he was not engaged or listening)

Note: H's father passed away 2 months earlier (late June) and he started a new job at a nursing home full of woman wanting to flirt with him a month before (Aug '09).

Oct 09 - He told me he felt he was only infatuated with me and shouldn't have married me.  This got action from me in that I sought out a counselor to start working on our marriage.

Jan 10 - "I don't think I love you"

April '10  - Very angrily states "I don't want to be married to you any more"

Feb '11 - " I don't love you" - moves out for the weekend.

(In early March we go away for a romantice weekend and then he puts his wedding ring back on)

Late March  '11 - I discover a large purchase for flowers on his credit card statement.

3rd April '11 - "I'm sorry but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you" (It was like extracting teeth to get it out of him as his behaviour towards me had been very cold for 3 weeks, not wanting any intimacy).

9th April he moves out as I had told him he needed to leave.

20th April - Receive text meant for OW, so now I know about her.  BUT he says it didn't start until after he left me and he wasn't going to tell me for 3 months.

I consider the first BD to be the statement he made in Oct '09 when he felt he shouldn't have married me.

Please correct me if this is not BD as I have also found this a little confusing in my story.  I have noticed odd behaviour since late 2007 - more grumpy, disconnected etc  The whole time until he left in April, I thought WE were both trying to restore or save our marriage.  We went to counselling in 2010 but he didn't like her and never followed thru with chosing another one after he returned in Feb.  Later I asked him why and he siad he didn't think there was any point.  He also said he decided a year ago he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with me.

[Synicca]

Ready!!

When you said that about 9/11 THAT hit me like a ton of bricks....

9/11 has so many bad memories for me...not only the horror of the towers...in 2001 my H met the first
woman from NY on 9/11 and brought her home to Cali.......

This current OW, He met on 9/11/2010 also from NY......

I remember it sooo clear...I had talked to my H early that morning and we were talking about
the memories I have about that day...and I reminded him on that VERY day...to not forget us!

He met Ow later that evening at a bar...and I got BD a week later...Brings tears to my eyes too...

(((((hugs)))))) I feel your pain...I truly do. more then you know. 

[StandandDeliver]

Even now, I feel the tears in my eyes even as I write about a moment in time that occurred over a year ago.

I know Ready. When I let myself think about the night I found out about the affair, I can almost feel the wind being knocked out of me again. Although there were clues that I guess I was ignoring, I just never really believed that H would be so deceitful. But it is the subsequent weeks that make me most sad. All the horrible things Monster H said when he was still at home after BD.

He "enjoyed lying to me"
The sex with her was "amazing" (why would he tell me that?)
She was "delightful"

In fact I think about those things and it still has the power to make me angry, which i know it shouldn't as it was said by an insensitive MLCer.

Actually when I think about his behaviour back then, I really question whether I want him in my life ever again. The are a mess, but they still know what they are saying. 

[limitless]

Stand and Deliver,
Yes.  They are very cruel when they want the LBS to just go away.
My H also told me that he realized that he lied to me all the time and that it didn't matter.  He didn't care that he lied and didn't care if he ever told me the truth.  He said he would lie to me "forever."

That was really a joy to hear.....it was the lying that hurt the most.

L

[Rookie13]

Standanddeliver, not true. They do not know "what" they are saying. The "state" they are in is to rewrite period. You will know when they "know" what they are saying. takes time. after the hurt.  Bomb Drop is a past and a time line period. Hurt takes time and advice is forever yet can only be taken with time.

Your spouse, and this is going to be considered/sound ridiculous, can not be held responsible for what he does during MLC period, if you want to stand. Period. You can and it's your choice  and  nature to take to heart what "damage" comes from a MLC and you can run to greener pastures also as it is your "free ticket" with no guilt, but in time, you will not be angry anymore where as a greener pasture will be out of spite for some. just my opinion.

[LoveMeMyself]

Honestly, after the initial shock of BD seemed to ebb some for me, I looked at my hubby as someone I didn't know.  While I was knocked to my knees (literally) by his actions and his words hurt and cut to my heart, I felt so much compassion for the man I knew he once was.  I share all the pain, hurt, anger, disgust and total disbelief in what my ex has become, BUT.......I know that he is truly a tortured and tormented soul.  I can not imagine what he must be going through.  I know it's hard getting through this journey as we are constantly treated so awful and lied to by our MLC'ers but my faith gives me the strength to keep standing.  Our spouses are not the people we know them to be.  I have experienced all the same emotions as everyone else here......it is so tough.  We know what each of us here are experiencing and can sympathize but we can't truly know or feel or understand what our MLC'ers must be going through.  Yes, it makes me angry at times when I think of what has happened to my marriage but that doesn't change anything.  I truly feel that I have accepted this insane DIS-EASE and the process.    I have too.  I love my man!

[LisaLives]

Stillpraying

3rd April '11 - "I'm sorry but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you" (It was like extracting teeth to get it out of him as his behaviour towards me had been very cold for 3 weeks, not wanting any intimacy).

That is the only DAY you identified, that's your BD, the DAY you remember, not the month or the timeframe, the day...  Just my opinion, but it sure stuck out in your list...

[Stillpraying]

Oh Dear....
LL, I guess that means I have years left (if BD is half way in the whole journey) before I see any change.....

[LisaLives]

Stop counting, focus on YOU, it's the only thing you can control!  SP, take a deep breath and know you have no idea where he is or what he is doing, but you know that you are alive and well and have things to do, and stuff for which to be thankful!