[How long since bomb drop?]

How long since bomb drop?

0 to 1 years

32 (36.4%)

1 to 2 years

32 (36.4%)

2 to 3 years

16 (18.2%)

3 to 4 years

5 (5.7%)

4+ years

3 (3.4%)

Total Members Voted: 86

[StandandDeliver]

Rookie,

Your spouse, and this is going to be considered/sound ridiculous, can not be held responsible for what he does during MLC period, if you want to stand. Period.

I agree and disagree with this. MLC is a state of dis-ease, but the MLCer does need to be accountable for what they have said and done if reconciliation is ever going to be possible. I can forgive him because he is in a bad way - which means I do not seek revenge and I let go of the anger (which I acheive better on some days than others - we cycle through this too). But to reconcile in the end, the MLCer needs to acknowledge their destructive behaviour. MLC is not psychiatric condition, although they may display some traits ie narcissism, depression.

Standing for me is not about indefinitely waiting out my H's crisis on the off-chance he wants to return when he is through. It is about being still within myself and for my children, to stabilise, to learn about me, to develop myself and to address problems that I may have contributed to the relationship. Standing, for me, is about giving myself time to heal and renew, so that I don't indulge in a rebound relationship that could hurt me and another person, and possibly my kids (not that I would introduce someone new to them for a very long time). If, once I am healed and whole again, H has had an ephiphany of sorts, is truly sorry and wishes to attempt some sort of reconciliation, then I may be open to it. If he comes back before I am ready, I plan to tell him calmly that I am still healing and learning about me, and that if he wants me back (truly) then it is going to be slow and he is going to need to be patient. There will be no "moving back in" straight away. Especially not with the kids involved - they would have to not know about it until I was convinced that H was committed to making our new relationship work and that it was also what I wanted for all of us.

So I disagree with the idea that I must not hold him responsible for his actions during MLC. I do hold him responsible for his actions. I can forgive him and I feel compassion that he is finding life so confusing, but running from that confusion is partly a choice.  I do not believe in excusing it all as an act of a crazy person. He is not himself, that is true, but he is also not crazy - he holds down a job, he takes the children on holidays and every other weekend. If he was mentally incapacitated he would not being doing either of those things. If I thought he was insane, he would not be getting our children and I would be seeking a court injunction to prevent him from doing so. If he was clinically depressed, I would not be sending my preschoolers to be with him at all.

[Foxberry]

Even now, I feel the tears in my eyes even as I write about a moment in time that occurred over a year ago.

I know Ready. When I let myself think about the night I found out about the affair, I can almost feel the wind being knocked out of me again. Although there were clues that I guess I was ignoring, I just never really believed that H would be so deceitful. But it is the subsequent weeks that make me most sad. All the horrible things Monster H said when he was still at home after BD.

He "enjoyed lying to me"
The sex with her was "amazing" (why would he tell me that?)
She was "delightful"

In fact I think about those things and it still has the power to make me angry, which i know it shouldn't as it was said by an insensitive MLCer.

Actually when I think about his behaviour back then, I really question whether I want him in my life ever again. The are a mess, but they still know what they are saying.

Gosh S&D, IF it makes you feel any better my H did exactly the same....my BD was 14 September 2010...he told me 3 days later that he'd had unprotected sex with this woman    My world came round around me....H was the only man in my life and always had been, he had not only betrayed me in the worst way but taken away my safety..... When he came back at Easter - he couldn't wait to rubbish our 's' life and told me how much better it was with OW....broke my heart into pieces....

So sad
Fox xxxx

[LisaLives]

S&D,  Thanks for writing that little piece.  I have struggled with accepting everything they do as if they don't know what they are doing.  Our spouses would not be found insane by a forensic psychologist, they could stand in a court of law.  The fact that they make bizarre decisions is STILL a choice they are making with some level of sanity.  I am not giving him a free pass for however long it takes for the fog to clear.  Thanks for that, as I sit here and fume that he f%^&#$ up the custody schedule yet again... 

[StandandDeliver]

Fox, it is sad and, I am guessing, not true. Chances are, life with OW is not better. The only difference is that with you his feelings are numb and with her he HAS lots of intense feelings - lust, jealousy, anger... notice that these feelings come under the term "sin" in the Bible (not that I am very religious, but my point is that they are very strong feelings but they are not positive feelings - but for a MLCer they are better than numbness).

They are hooked to the drama, because they at least "feel alive" in the drama. They mistake "drama" for "purpose". They are searching for meaning and think that the "drama" gives there life meaning. But think about it - how long before the same dramas become boring, then the drama has to escalate and eventually they have to start to realise that this is not the sort of "meaning" that they were searching for.

If things were SOOO much better with OW, why did he come back to you AT ALL? If he was living his dream there would not have been a second of doubt, certainly not enough doubt to have him cycling back to you.

Fox, I know that you are finding this second BD very hard (maybe even harder than the first?) but you need to try to step outside of the situation and imagine it was happening to someone else. How would it look to you then? I'll tell you how - it would look to them the way I have described it - because I am that looking at it happening to someone else, and although I do not know you in RL, I promise you that it is the only thing that makes logical sense.

If he was unbelievably happy with OW, there would have been no room for doubt and cycling. Really. When you are your H were at your happiest points in your relationship, did you think "well this is great, but I would really like to be somewhere else, with someone else right now!" Of course not, because it was true happiness, not the confused and dysfunctional MLC version of happiness...

[Dontgiveup]

Standanddeliver

I understand why you agree and disagree about the responsibility of what the MLCer says and does during the MLC.  It's because they are both true.  I think RCR uses the term "moments of clarity" during the confusion.

Your husband said things to you like he enjoyed lying to you, sex with the OW was amazing, and she is delightful.  Why did he say those things?  Well, MLCers are trying to get the LBS to lose hope, I think at least in part to reduce their own guilt.  It is Monster that is saying those things.

Consider this from one of the Standing articles:
Your MLCer will seek to destroy and may cycle between mending and destroying.

[Glimmer]

S&D

Just read your reply, and it is just what I needed to hear today.

I am feeling very low and struggling to feel positive at the moment.  Your wise words have given me a boost just when I needed it, and made me realise why I am still standing.

Thanks

[StandandDeliver]

Sorry you are having a low day Glimmer - I had a few of those last week. We cycle too, it is hard not to when our lives have been totally thrown off course. Redirecting our lives is scary, stressful and often difficult.

When I am having a rough day, I let myself have a cry, I try to get an early-ish night, I go to bed and say a prayer of thankfulness for all the good in my life, I ask for strength and courage and then I go to sleep and usually wake up feeling better the next day.

Take care, xx

[Trustandlove]

DGU, I just read your "find" for this thread:  "Your MLCer will seek to destroy and may cycle between mending and destroying".

I see this.  I definitely see him doing things to "ensure" that I lose hope, and then being polite again -- not taking back anything he says, not changing his mind, but a sort of mending nevertheless.  The wanting to be amicable I'd put in the "mending" category here. 

[Foxberry]

Stand and Deliver,
Yes.  They are very cruel when they want the LBS to just go away.
My H also told me that he realized that he lied to me all the time and that it didn't matter.  He didn't care that he lied and didn't care if he ever told me the truth.  He said he would lie to me "forever."

That was really a joy to hear.....it was the lying that hurt the most.

L

Hi L,

So true...the more I tried to reason with him and "make him see" what a mistake he was making walking out on me and losing his wonderful Son, the more Monster he became... So very sad - I truly didn't know my H anymore

Love Fox
xxx

[SpecialK]

Thought I'd start a new discussion on BD ie how long ago did you have the bomb drop on you?

My first one was October 2008, he came back May 2009 and second Bomb was dropped in April 2010.

SK xx