Author Topic: My Story 252883  (Read 1284 times)

Offline 252338133Topic starter

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My Story 252883
« on: August 30, 2017, 02:58:18 PM »
Stayed. Are you there? You helped me a lot a year or so ago. 25
« Last Edit: August 31, 2017, 08:33:28 AM by OldPilot »

Offline 252338133Topic starter

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252883
« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2017, 03:57:55 PM »
I have previously posted. Would like to subscribe again. But would like to know whether anjea, tt and stayed are still around. Thank you . 25.  :)

Offline Anjae

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Re: 25
« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2017, 05:36:20 PM »
Hi 25.

Nice to see you. How are you doing?

Did you reconnect with your husband? You have a purple icon.



edit - icon changed - OldPilot
« Last Edit: August 31, 2017, 08:34:08 AM by OldPilot »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Searching4Answers

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Re: 252883
« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2017, 07:51:23 AM »
Anjae and stayed are still around. I don't recognize tt - is that an abbreviation?
We all do damage. Character is determined by how we repair it.


BD - December 2012
OW1 confirmed - December 2012 on-and-off for 34 months and counting (still refers to her as just a 'friend')
Wants to live like roommates - November 2013
I moved out - April 2015
H is still checking the anchor

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: 252883
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2017, 07:53:53 AM »
TT is a poster from the subscriber's side. She has not posted here, to my knowledge, for a long time, but from Facebook it appears she is doing great and moving forward with life.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline 252338133Topic starter

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Re: 252883
« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2017, 08:04:59 AM »
Thanks Ready
It is very kind of you to reply
well I identified with toughtimes because she had two small children
i am very glad to hear she is doing well
i am not doing so well
after an enormously acrimonious divorce finalised in october 2016 i have spent the whole of 2017 trying to sell the marriage home - we had a buyer in april 2017 but they pulled out and the viewings over the summer in the UK have been extremely slow due to brexit, political climate, overpriced market etc
i just feel so trapped and every corner of the house reminds me of him.
I hardly never ever speak or communicate with my husband and when we do it is emailing and it is always agreessive and fighting. i feel trapped. he has now bought a new house with his fiance (11 years younger than him) without the benefits of the proceeds of the sale of our family home but he still regularly bullies me about the sale (or lack thereof) saying it is all my fault. my children come home from visits to him saying OW regularly tells them (aged 7 and 8) that they are going to get marreid and have babies. i  feel extremely lonely and isolated
thanks for listening

Offline OldPilot

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Re: 252883
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2017, 08:36:38 AM »
i am not doing so well
Sorry you are not doing well.

What can you change to put yourself on a better path?

It can and does happen.

Offline Thunder

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Re: 252883
« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2017, 08:46:58 AM »
Hi 25,

Can you talk to a realtor?

My S just went through a divorce and is having a very hard time selling his house, which has huge mortgage payments.  He found a place who will buy it from him, fix it up and sell it themselves.

He won't make any money on it, not enough equity, but it will be off his shoulders so he can breathe again.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Velika

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Re: 252883
« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2017, 11:53:25 AM »
25, I am so sorry you are going through this.

Can you rent out/airbnb your place in the meantime?

I have a young son too. I have been extensively coached not to engage with him. It will take a long time to set up a dynamic like this but I encourage you to use very minimal words in your correspondence. Basically most of what you write should sound like:

"Okay!"
"I'm sure we'll figure it out."

Read about coparenting with a narcissist. Only respond to logistical issues and don't address anything negative. If he writes something like, "25 you are dragging our the sale of this home on purpose!" -- act like he has written something agreeable and write with a constructive tone, "Hopefully we have a buyer soon!" And nothing else.

It can take months and months of this but eventually it will make it clear that you won't endgage and will not retraumarize you.

My FH has a baby with his OW. To be honest, I feel this in some way improves the situation for the LBS. He will have less time and energy to spend on you and also things will get real with the OW quickly. If you implement the communicsidin strategy I outlined above then you are making it clear to him you are not stress relief in the form of arguments.

Are you attempting to sell the home because you can't afford it or because it reminds you of him? If it is the latter, can you make some changes like painting or moving around the furniture?

Big hug to you.💛

Offline Anjae

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Re: 252883
« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2017, 06:14:20 PM »
Hi 25,

Sorry to hear you are not doing so well.

i  feel extremely lonely and isolated

Is there anything you can do to change this?

Are you attempting to sell the home because you can't afford it or because it reminds you of him? If it is the latter, can you make somechanges like painting or moving around the furniture?

Agree with Velika, if you are trying to sell the house because it reminds you of your husband, try some changes. If because you need the money, or because legally you have to, Thunder's suggestion is a good one.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline calamity

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Re: 252883
« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2017, 10:44:06 PM »
Hi 25,

It's adding insult to injury: selling a house that won't sell after all the emotional upheaval.  But like so much else, it's beyond your control.  It will sell eventually and until then, you are somewhat in limbo. 

I like Velika's communication strategies. Btw your h has been a real monster from the beginning, much worse than most.  Sounds like the ow is a good match--so childish.  Doesn't much sound like happy families does it?

Anyway you're not alone if you are with us. ;)

Send TT a private message.  She'll get it sooner or later.

Offline Whyus

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Re: 252883
« Reply #11 on: August 31, 2017, 10:49:54 PM »
Hi 25. Sorry your not doing so well

" i have spent the whole of 2017 trying to sell the marriage home - we had a buyer in april 2017 but they pulled out and the viewings over the summer in the UK have been extremely slow due to brexit, political climate, overpriced market etc
i just feel so trapped and every corner of the house reminds me of him."

This could be me. W left me, the kids, her dogs a cat and 2 snakes in our home.
We are trying to sell but its too big for most.
Her ghost is everywhere. Ive taken down most pics but some are still up because of the viewings. W helps clean for a couple of hours on the day before viewings. Id rather she wouldn't but its too much for me. Last Sunday I left after an hour, this Sunday I may not be home when she comes. I dont want to look into her lying eyes and crocodile smile...

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Mitzpah

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  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: 252883
« Reply #12 on: September 01, 2017, 06:49:37 AM »
25,

Just catching up with you. I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I guess the kids are back at school now?

Maybe now the house will sell, it is always difficult to sell over the summer holidays.

I remember that you have faith, is your church family able to help you in these feelings of isolation? Is there something you can volunteer in? It doesn't have to take up a lot of time because I am sure you have your hands full with the kids when they are home, just something to help you take your focus off your own situation for a while.

My job has always been a great distraction and I have some private ESL students too, which is an even greater diversion in my week, I come away from their class light and refereshed - it is a time in which I don't even think about my situation!

Velika's pointers for communication are great! steer away from negative talk :)

(((Hugs)))
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline 252338133Topic starter

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Re: 252883
« Reply #13 on: September 10, 2017, 11:05:03 AM »
Thank you so so much for the replies. It really means a great deal to me and I wish I could "in person " thank everybody who posted on this thread. We are divorced, I did not want it, still don't to this day but genuinely I feel he gave me no choice. He asked me to divorce him via solicitors letter on grounds of adultery. That was the only tacit admission of adultery he has ever made to me. He is now engaged to OW (11 years younger than him) and living over an hours drive from us just down the road from OW's mother. They have bought the house yet we have not sold the family home so he afforded that within proceeds from this house. They are engaged and OW regularly talks about having children with my daughter aged 8. Feels so inappropriate. Just today an email volley where he said I was trying to paint him as "evil" in the village we live in (I am not) but I fact it is me who is an "evil" mother for failing to tell him about one of my daughters friends birthday parties he would need to take her to (it is his weekend). I did not fail to tell him, I told the mum in question his email address which she then got slightly wrong so he only just got notification about it. His main driver is that the children say to me regularly "daddy doesn't care about us" unprompted by me , and I think he knows they have worked that out and blames me. I don't prompt their thinking that although I am unsurprised they think that. I just ask him not to contact me. I say " don't contact me". Is that wrong?

On 2 September my ex husband best friend from university and his wife visited me for afternoon tea. The children were away. They expressed their total bemusement that my ex husband has totally cut them off since he left me north withstanding that they have tried to keep in touch with my ex husban.  When my ex husband has my children to stay ( aged 7 and 8 ) he calls my son a "lunatic" and tells my son he is "weird". I am in total denial about how emotionally damaging this must be to the children.
Notwithstanding that OW says she is going to have children with my ex I wouldn't be surprised if they don't because basically my ex does not like children and that is obvious to most people who meet him
« Last Edit: September 10, 2017, 12:00:36 PM by 252338133 »

 

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