Author Topic: My Story Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic  (Read 3000 times)

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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My Story Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« on: August 31, 2017, 06:24:15 AM »
Well I think it's clear that I'm dealing with a low contact / vanishing  / hider type of MLC H 😄 I'm starting my second thread a year after my first, not much happening here 😂

Thank you to everyone who has helped me this past year, your support and understanding has been invaluable, and I'm grateful to be able to read and learn from all the other threads

Me - I'm doing ok and I'm proud of how I've coped. I miss my marriage, my H, his family and my old life, but this new life isn't too bad.  I've got good friends and I have many more good days than bad, my health is improving and I'm doing well at work.
 
I have the marital home and all the assets, this will change if we head down the legal route, so I'm not in a rush to start that, but for now, thankfully, I'm financially secure
My social life is still lacking, I don't have any single friends or even bored married ones 😉.  We always socialised as a couple and have  many mutual friends, so this has been awkward, but it's getting less awkward and I'm having more good times with our friends.
I know I spend too much time on my own, I work from home and I don't have any family ( I find that tough, I do miss H's family ).  I try hard to find the right balance for keeping in touch with friends, I understand they have busy lives, so I don't want to make them feel guilty, but I know if I need them they'd be by there for me, they know I'm doing ok.  I don't have to fake the brave face very often now, and am usually happy when I do socialise. I've looked into Meetups, but haven't done anything like that yet, I'm lucky that I don't mind my own company
H's work has a large social element that I'm no longer involved with, even though I still work for his company. I miss that and resent that OW is going, but she won't have the same experience that I had at these events, I was liked 😉

So I think I'm doing ok 😄

Him - I haven't seen him for a year, even though he's still quite local. We've had one phone conversation and a couple of emails that weren't work related

From what I hear he has aged, he gives off the aura of being grey, and that's not just his hair 😉
I've been told he admits to being depressed and drinking too much
His social life is probably a lot better than mine, he has OW who has taken on all his interests, even though she's a lot younger and it can't be authentic.  He is vital in his business, so he has to attend all the work events which are fun, and he has a large family, but I've heard recently that his family don't see as much of him, he's either with OW or in the room above his parents garage.  Also our friends are becoming fed up that he doesn't contact them, I get the impression they're stopping trying to contact him
He has spent a lot of money but has nothing to show for it.  He has no home, no car and I recently sent him an email telling exactly how much he's had since we separated, I think this will have shocked him and I think this might send him spiralling, OW has turned out to be a very expensive 'mistake'
He's not infatuated with OW, they argue a lot, he has no respect for her, but she makes it easy for him and wants to be with him because of his job, I think she's just slightly better than being alone for him.
He refuses to talk to anyone about me, if my name is mentioned he shuts down the conversation and walks away, apparently with tears in his eyes

He thinks he's ruined his life and has to live with the consequences, I know he misses me and our old life, but he doesn't try.  His reason for his affair at BD was that he missed me while I was ill and he got bored, I was only in the bedroom 🙄

It makes me sad that he's in this mess, it frustrates me that he doesn't do anything.  I'm polite in any communication, which is usually for work and I think I've been fair.  He has told me he hasn't forgotten who I am, he remembers all the positives about me ( and probably the negatives too 😊 ) he's told me he still loves me and misses me.  He's deep in escape and avoid ( with additional hiding ), he is not a bad man, he's made some huge mistakes and is living with the consequences. I feel sorry for him but he frustrates me.  I try to keep the focus on me, I'm trying to enjoy this new life, even if it's not the one I would have chosen 🤓

( and I'm still keeping hold of my rose coloured glasses 🤓 )

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8112.msg612972#msg612972
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2017, 06:59:07 AM »
Hi Still,

Just finished your previous thread and am attaching for the new one. Haven't been in this club for long - BD was June 2017, and he left for OW in July , but like you my H does not stay in contact with me except every few weeks to pop by my desk (we work on the same property) with meaningless chatter.
I have no family or friends locally either, so I find myself relating to you and your story pretty well.
Looking forward to learning from you - Hugs
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Shocked

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2017, 09:40:43 AM »
Hi SHF! Continuing on with you on our parallel paths. Your post was beautiful and your story is so similar to mine. Your health issues though  make my journey look like  a day in the park. I wish you lived near me. I need new "single" friends too. I met several other divorced woman at divorce support groups. That did help in more ways than a meet up group. Wishing you many more good days!!!🤗
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2017, 03:43:46 PM »
Sure glad you didn't leave the rose colored glasses behind, SHF!   ;)

Wouldn't dream of missing this next portion of your journey.    :)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online Mae

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2017, 05:24:27 PM »
Still, you are doing an excellent job of living your own life, I'm really impressed. This was a good summary of what's happened and where you are at.

It must be very hard to see your H a bit 'stuck', knowing he ruined what appears to have been a very good marriage and then knowing that he knows that but is unable or unwilling to try and piece it back together. That's their choice and what is there to do but accept that and move on to making your life the best one it can be.

Following along with you SB.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative
Me - Done....moving on.

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #5 on: September 04, 2017, 11:23:10 AM »
Hi guys, thanks for continuing with me, I'm very grateful 😊

S66 - welcome, I hope my posts and the advice I've received can help you, I've read and posted on your thread, you're so early in your journey,  it's crazy making, but it does get easier, I promise 😊


Quote
I wish you lived near me. I need new "single" friends too

Shocked - wouldn't it be great if we lived near another HS member ? no-one else truly understands

I feel lucky that I've found a treatment that helps my illness, I still have some flare ups which can last a coupe of days, but thankfully it's just debilitating rather than life threatening.  I'm not well enough to work full time, but I now appreciate my pain free days

I also think it's easier in some ways to cope with the illness now H is not around. When we tried reconnection I didn't tell him if I had an attack, because around BD he'd made me embarrassed about being ill, I felt guilty when I had an attack, that wasn't a good way to rebuild a relationship

( those rose coloured specs are still firmly in place 🤓 )

SB - as always, thank you, I'm grateful for your support and pleased I have you beside me on this dreadful journey 🤓

Mae - thanks for joining me, it doesn't matter how well we think we're doing, a reminder from someone who understands is always very welcome and comforting, thank you 😊


I've been back and read all my first thread ( and apart from realising that I repeat myself 😂, sorry, I think that's because I don't post often so feel like I need to recap, I'll try to stop doing that ) I'm surprised that nothing has changed with him,  I haven't seen him, he hasn't done anything, I can't believe a year has passed and he's in exactly the same position 🙄

I think I've progressed though 🤓 not much, but I'm definitely stronger, not just pretending like I was back then

Also, I spent some time with a 'friend' who had an affair, I have been friends with both her and her H for over 20 years, and she came to me when her A was first discovered.  She absolutely drained me at the time, and I had to step back after a few months when she started rewriting history to justify her A, they are separated and heading towards divorce.

This meeting was eye opening, it's 12 months since her A was discovered and she is still so selfish, blaming her H, it was hard to keep my cool, but she's so self absorbed I doubt she noticed or heard when I disagreed with her.  Her justification really got my head spinning.  She isn't having MLC, maybe a MLT but what she was saying helped me to see what my H might be thinking.  It's hard to see someone you think you knew changing history to justify and make themselves feel better 😳.

I didn't sleep a wink the night after we met, my brain was spinning.  I might be a bit short of single friends, but she's not someone I want to spend time with.  My own journey has definitely made me stronger, I'm not wasting time on thoughtless, selfish people, well that's the intention, but I know if she needs me I'll probably try to be there for her, I'm just not going to get drawn in to her warped thinking 😊


At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Seeshell7

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2017, 11:40:42 AM »
Attaching and finding inspiration from your story.
I agree, people who have affairs are not people we need as friends.
:)

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2017, 04:49:42 PM »
The stuff that knocks you for six is still surprising me

Today when I went to my new dentist and they asked for an emergency contact, the tears came, it was so embarrassing. I don't have an emergency person

I'm struggling to sleep, the thoughts I can't get out of my head - who's going to arrange my funeral ? If I'm involved in an accident and get badly hurt, who's going to make the difficult decisions ?

I have no next of kin other than broken H

I know I'm being ridiculous, but I can't stop the crazy thoughts and I'm sad, I'm alone, I've got some great friends but you can't expect even lifelong friends to make these decisions. I have got some half siblings, but they've only known me a few years, my father left when I was one, so I've no relationship with him, lost my mum and my in-laws feel uncomfortable about keeping in touch because my H is acting crazy

Argghh, where's this come from????

I've never thought about any of this before because I had a wonderful partner / husband / best friend. I felt safe and he was practical, level headed, supportive, loving and kind, I was too and most of the time I still am, but night time is crazy town in my head

I'm trying to come off some medication, so I hope that's the side effects which have sent me down this stupid spiral
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2017, 06:40:58 PM »
SHF - you are having a tough time right now with some of your thoughts.   I wish I had an answer to give you that would appease the swirling that's going on in your head. 

I guess my suggestion would be to get a will made out, as well as a health directive.  You could then at least let a few friends know that you have things taken care of and where they could/would find these items. 

It's hard when we think about things in the future.  It's something I keep putting off and I know I shouldn't.  I don't have a will made out.  I don't have a health care directive.  I don't have funeral plans made.  I get weary thinking about doing those things and so I continue to shove them on a back burner. 

Hopefully the coming off the medication is some of the cause of this and you'll be able to once again find those rose colored glasses that look so good on you. 

Sending support and a big cyber hug. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online Mae

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2017, 07:25:36 PM »
Sorry you are having a tough time of it Still. It must be surprising when you think you are coping with everything (and you are) but then something or several things happen that put you back into a downward cycle. But for every bad day there must be so many more good or better days.

I remember having to go to our local gym to cancel my H's gym membership and they wanted a reason and I had to put, no longer lives in Timbactu........I held it together just long enough to escape from the front desk before the tears came.

Our lives have been totally upended and being reminded of that every once in a while feels like a setback....but it isn't a setback, it just means you are processing a bit more, healing a bit more. It's a good thing even though it feels anything but good.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative
Me - Done....moving on.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2017, 08:15:53 PM »
Sorry you are feeling down about life SHF but you have come a long way since the horrors of BD and you should be proud of that.  We all heal at different rates, but i do feel there is a place we get to which is one of acceptance rather than actually healed, as healed only comes when we totally accept our lot and that takes much time.

Our hiding MLCers are hiding because they can't face us.  Looking at us would bring the feelings of shame for being such a fool and they just can't face that feeling, so tell themselves they are so much better off, have moved one and are doing well.  This is all foolishness and they continue on a lonely and depressive path which is one I would not want to be on.

Take things slowly and in a few months things will begin to look better than they are today.  It may help to join a social group in your area, such as a book club so you can meet some other people who aren't associated with your H or the life you had together.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2017, 02:51:34 AM »
Thank you all 😊 it helps so much just knowing someone gets it, and if I said this to my friends I think they'd be uncomfortable, I'd hate that

I've had some sleep and things don't feel as bad this morning, but I'm glad I 'voiced' my sadness here, I think writing your thoughts down is cathartic and even more so when you get replies and support, thank you

SB, thank you, you're always there for me and I'm very grateful, I have written my 'if anything happens to me' letter a few months ago, great minds hey 😊 I know it's not legal but I felt better writing out my wishes

Mae - thank you, you're right, it just shocked me that my eyes leaked, I didn't realise that it was still so easy to slip into the sadness. I definitely have more good days and I think I am processing, rather than just getting through each day by the skin of my teeth 😊
Reconnection sounds like a whole different ball game of difficulties, I hope your journey keeps heading that way though

SF - thank you, I hope I'm healing, I think I am, but it's a long journey isn't it ? I would definitely prefer to be in my shoes rather than his, I think guilt and shame are heavy burdens to carry.
I have got an application form to volunteer at the local hospice that looked after my mum, the staff were amazing and I still find comfort visiting the gardens there, so hopefully I can help there, I think that will help me and hopefully them 😊


I have thought about my will, my solicitor mentioned that early on, but I haven't changed it yet because I don't care if my H gets everything, I've no children and have no problem with him being the beneficiary, whatever I leave is mainly from the life we built together and we did have a lot of very happy years

I have written a letter saying what I'd like to happen and left it with my passport, the letter is all about stupid stuff, like who I'd like to take my gorgeous cats 🙃 if H doesn't want them, which pieces of jewellery I'd like to leave for friends, but I've no idea who is going to deal with it, I guess H will have to if we haven't divorced

I don't want to divorce him, I cant get my head round divorcing someone you love but I do understand that some people unfortunately have to, I'll cross that bridge when I have to.  I don't want to fight over the home that my mum left. She worked hard all her life and always struggled financially, but she managed to own a house and she left me it, well us, we were happily married when we lost her and we did a huge renovation to make it ours, so legally he's entitled to 50%. He has said he would rather sleep in the gutter than do anything to make me lose my home, but I know I can't trust anything now so I have to be prepared

H's still my emergency contact on my phone, so if anything happens he'll have to deal with it 😊 but I just couldn't list him on a new form, it felt strange and I was surprised when it made me cry

I think it's just a blip, I've found my specs and need to put them back on 🤓

Thank you all 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline heroIam

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2017, 06:54:49 AM »
SHF,
We have to be gentle with ourselves.  Yes, I feel the sadness at times too.  I struggle with second guessing myself sometimes.  I hope you start to feel better soon.  Funny, I've looked at doing up a will recently, advance directive with my health insurance, my emergency contact at work, etc... and wondered if i should even leave my H on these forms.  And, I do.  He is still my legal spouse regardless of his escape and avoid issues.  We have no kids either. But I have four cats!   I also am concerned for my cats if I'm no longer able to be as mobile or if I'm not around to care for them.  I've not thought about who I'd like to have care for them.  Don't think my H would want the responsibility.  Something I need to think about.....though I hope I'm around long enough to care for them.
You'll have to share cat photos!  And, hope we can get together soon since you are fairly close by.  Take care SHF.  Sending big hugs.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online Treasur

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2017, 11:27:22 AM »
Dear SHF - I've had those 'who will organise my funeral' moments too - like super pity party - but real in this situation after a long marriage with no kids. And I was at a funeral recently and it struck me that no-one would be there to tell stories about the last 20 years of my family life.

I am also the legal guardian for my mother who has dementia...no idea what would happen if I got knocked down by a bus.

I suppose I shake it off with two thoughts - one is that just as I couldn't have seen this 2 years ago, I have no idea who will be standing in my life in 2 years time. And second is that I should be careful around buses!

Sending you the biggest hug though. Sometimes the paperwork of life has a real bite to it. x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #14 on: September 15, 2017, 03:58:57 AM »
Hi Hero - lovely to hear from you, I know we're in a similar position with our H's.  I'm not changing any existing forms, he is my next of kin until he does something to change that
He adored our cats and we are both responsible for having a few too many 😸, I've managed not to add any more since he left, I don't want to be known as that crazy cat lady 😂
When he left the first thing his sister said was that she couldn't believe he'd leave the cats, not me 😂 and when OW got a cat he insisted it was hers, not theirs, it was like he didn't like the thought of replacing / cheating on ours 🙄
I think my H will want them if anything happens to me, but just in case he doesn't, In my wishes letter I've said that the cats should come with a dowry to cover their care and listed which ones should stay together 😄😻

Wow Treasur,  I've read your thread and will post on it, you've really been going through it.
It must be an additional pressure when your parent is suffering dementia, my mum was only 60 and ill for six months, it was hard to see the changes in her as she deteriorated very quickly
You're right, we shouldn't worry about the what if's, I've done well with them in regards to H, but this next of kin, funeral thing threw me, but today it doesn't seem as important, someone will do something, it won't be my problem 😊

Seeshell - thanks for attaching, I'll catch up with your thread 😊


I do feel a lot better today, back to living in the moment. I also popped in to see H's sister, she was pleased to see me and we're hopefully going out together next week, and their youngest brother might join us, which would be lovely.  I think I have to push myself to contact them more, I know they like me, so I'm not going to avoid them just because it might make H uncomfortable

This is my life and I'm responsible for making it the best it can be, the cats are having chicken for lunch, so they're happy, and I'm having muesli, I think I've got my priorities mixed up there 😂

Thank you all, you've really helped 😊

At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #15 on: September 15, 2017, 07:18:29 PM »

I do feel a lot better today, back to living in the moment. I also popped in to see H's sister, she was pleased to see me and we're hopefully going out together next week, and their youngest brother might join us, which would be lovely.  I think I have to push myself to contact them more, I know they like me, so I'm not going to avoid them just because it might make H uncomfortable


I'm glad you are getting together with your SIL and BIL.  I have remained in close contact with my MLCer's brother, wife and children.  Those kids have always called me Auntie and continue to.  They rarely see their uncle these days and I have no idea if they've been their new "Auntie" but I'm pretty sure that even if they have she will never be called Auntie. 

I was invited to this niece's volleyball tourney tomorrow at a neighboring school and I'll be attending and sitting with them.  So you just get right out there, SHF, and have a great time with those relatives of H's that want to spend time with YOU!! 

Glad you're on the upward swing!  You must have your glasses back on!   ;D
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #16 on: September 18, 2017, 05:18:07 PM »
SB - thank you,  hope you had fun at the volleyball with your family 😊, I think one of the blessings of going through this nightmare is that I really appreciate people now, I've always loved my friends and enjoyed my friendships, but I can see how lucky I am with the great people I have in my life, I think I've found my specs again 🤓 😂

Apparently there's an article in the local newspaper about my H's company, with photos, my friend who told me about it said she didn't recognise my H 😳. She asked if I wanted to see it, I've umm'ed and ahh'ed and couldn't decide, so she's put it in my sealed post box so I can decide if I want to look at it,  I'm interested in seeing how he looks as I haven't seen him for a year, but I know I stay off social media for a reason, the things we used to class as normal are now a minefield, I haven't collected my mail since Friday, how ridiculous is that ?!?!
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #17 on: September 18, 2017, 06:28:18 PM »
I haven't seen my H for over a year either SHF, I think I'd be really shocked if he looked so much older.  Have a look at the article, it will play on your mind if you don't.  As long as it's about his business and not the OW, it should be ok.  Your friend will be able to guide you, it sounds like his appearance is the isssue here and not the article itself.

It's sad they left us because they felt old and now look 20 years older than when they left.  If they'd stayed and lived a clean life, they would not look any older at all.  Self sabotage at its finest  ::)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #18 on: September 19, 2017, 05:32:12 PM »
Thanks SF, I needed a nudge because I couldn't decide whether to look or not

He is hard to recognise 😳 my friend wasn't exaggerating, it's been a year since I've seen him and he looked older and tired then, but now I understand the 'he looks grey' comments I've heard from other people, it's quite shocking.  I know I'm biased, but he was really handsome, people often said it, he didn't acknowledge the comments, he used to laugh them off, I loved that he didn't realise how handsome he was, but now,.... he just looked like an ordinary oldish, tired, lifeless, no spark guy, but shockingly so much older , wow, just wow

I realise this is just one photo but it was a promotional shot for his business and his colleagues look so much more 'alive' than he does.  He knows how to look good in photos, it's been part of his career for 20 years, but in this group shot he just blends into the grey background

What we learn here is right, the weight of MLC affects every part of them, it's made me a bit ( more ) sad for him.  I'm glad I looked though, it's shown me how much this MLC has altered every part of him

PS.  I've also realised that this photo was taken on what should have been our anniversary, I'm really glad he didn't look fantastic now I've realised that  🤓
« Last Edit: September 19, 2017, 05:38:23 PM by Still Half full »
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #19 on: September 19, 2017, 10:19:52 PM »
It's amazing how old the MLCer can look.  I didn't realize how much my MLCer had changed in the first year, as he was so abusive all the time, my focus was on staying alive rather than looking at him disintegrate.  When a work colleague saw a photo of H & myself with S20 at his graduation (two years ago) she commented "it was nice of S20's grandfather to come along!" Not his grandfather, his father.  I actually looked at him again and saw how old he was looking - me on the other hand..... ;)

Looking at the article doesn't seem to have rattled you too much SHF, funny how time will make us immune to reacting badly when seeing pictures of them (unless OW is in it).

Their eyes are so dead and often dark.  I am told mental health patients when in psychosis have black eyes, it's from the chemical brain imbalance.  They get better as the crisis ends and the chemicals return to a more normal state.

Look at the bright side - you look smoking hot and he looks old, you are definitely the winner ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Treasur

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #20 on: September 19, 2017, 11:51:19 PM »
Gosh, SHF, there are quite a lot of similarities in our sitch. When did this crazy ride start for you?

Like you, although I choose not to snoop much, my STBXH looks fat and grey and much older. Almost unrecognisable actually. Some of it will be lifestyle choices, I guess, and adopting a life from the OW but also a lesson for all of us on how inner chaos shows in the body. Their new 'friends' won't know any different of course but my H's old friends have been shocked and think he's aged ten years in two. It's petty, I know, but the LBS diet is fab and now I've got past the gaunt shock stage, I look ten years younger and a dress size I haven't been in since I was 18!

Are you financially protected? It was a big shock to me when I realised how much money STBXH had spent on cc debt in a year and that he had stolen money from joint accounts and sold off joint investments held in his name. I think MLCers just see everything as 'mine' and also like to control and 'punish' you. I wouldn't have believed some of the things he has done financially and it was distressing to have to accept he was capable of them, but he is/was. Even things that hurt him financially - in fact he is in a terrible mess and post-D will be close to bankruptcy with no home, car and huge debt.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Shocked

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #21 on: September 28, 2017, 03:44:04 AM »
Hi SHF, I am proud of you for opening that article and confronting a fear! Well done!!! I have not seen my X in over a year either. The D was handled by attorneys. I recently saw a picture of him on LinkedIn. My looked healthy and handsome. I was surprised I had little feelings for him. In fact I did much like him. I know he's in a large debt but he's still putting in a good show. And I'm still recovering from the trauma of it all. Seeing my fellow LBS show such strength is so encouraging. You sound like your doing good working on your recovery!!!! Keep it going! 🤗
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #22 on: September 30, 2017, 10:41:04 AM »
SF - thank you as always for your support, it really does help 😊

People commenting on their aged appearance is bittersweet, isn't it ? I'm glad he isn't looking fantastic, but it does bother me that he looks so different, I don't think he's looking quite as old as a grandad, yet

I didn't realise your MLC H had been abusive, that must be really hard to get over, I knew about him alienating some of your children though, wow, the changes and the damage they can do is mind boggling.  It's a testament to your strength and compassion that you're doing so well, it must be really hard in that situation to not become bitter and resentful. I hope the court appointment is not weighing too heavily on you, you will be fine, you're strong and fair 😊

Hi T - thanks for following 😊 I agree there are some similarities but I think your H has a much more extreme depression than mine, my H is mainly suffering with regret, shame and guilt

Thankfully I found an infidelity site just before BD, thanks to their advice I spoke to a solicitor within days and got myself financially prepared, the week after he left he agreed to put the bank accounts etc into my name only, he must have been feeling very guilty, so he hasn't got access to our savings, for that I'm grateful

He has spent a lot of money, but thankfully it's only from his current earnings, he hasn't asked for any of our savings ... yet. He has contributed to our expenses when I've asked him to, but I think that will change. Also, he encouraged OW to get a job when they were flirting, she was doing everything she could to impress him and started a full time job, and she has divorced her wealthy H, so I think she's probably funding him

I'm dreading him telling me he wants to divorce, I don't want to have to fight for the house my mum left me.  I'm trying to be prepared, but every time there's contact I am bracing myself


Shocked - hi 😊 how are you, I've looked for your thread but am struggling to find it, what's happening with the big move ?

I just wanted to reach into the photo and pull him out, wrap my arms around him and fix him, not my job and not possible, I know, I do understand this is his journey and I have my own to deal with, but it just makes me sad

It was just one photo !! It might have been the best one of everyone else and he just let them use it because of that, but still, if this is a true representation of how he looks now it sad. Carrying the weight of shame, guilt, losing the life you had looks exhausting

I imagine that your H spent a long time looking for a decent profile picture, like Nah tells us a lot of smoke and mirrors, especially online, so you can't really believe that he's happy and healthy from that, we read so often that they age badly during MLC, it's good that it didn't upset you though, you're doing great 😊

Thanks for your replies and comments, it really helps to know that people understand 😊


My news

I've just had my preventative treatment at the hospital and am now forced to rest for a few days, that equals far too much thinking time, but I know this happens every 3 months so am hopefully not going to get too thinky 😊

The only thing I enjoy about these hospital visits is my nurse, she's wonderful and because the treatment takes a bit of time we always have a good chat. She's the only person I know IRL who has experienced MLC, she agrees with what I've learnt here and her H has gone through his own, his escape and avoid has been exercising, he's driven her mad, but it looks like he's coming out the other side now after a few years and they've managed to stay together, but it's not been easy

She met my H a few times before BD and she's can't believe the change in his behaviour. I share what I learn here and it makes sense to her and it's good to be able to talk to someone who understands, I feel like I can tell her anything and she's interested, she says I've helped her understand, it's a bit like a mutual counselling session with injections 😄. She said today that she can understands how MLC behaviour can easily lead to an OW, she is grateful that her H didn't meet someone who shared his excessive exercising 'passion' and even though his changes have driven her bonkers, it's good to see him getting back to normal, it's taken years though


Hider update - well something has changed with H, he hasn't  replied to my recent work emails 😳 there's not really any need for him to, except to be polite and acknowledge he's seen it.  I do the finances for the directors, so I occasionally need to send an email telling them I'm transferring a payment into their personal bank accounts, I always send a group email to all of them and they always reply, either via the group or just to me, so he will have seen the some of the replies even if he missed my emails.  I've worked for these guys for 20 years, so they are my friends as well as colleagues and their replies are friendly and sometimes very amusing, they are nice relationships. In the past H has usually replied just to me with "thanks xxx"

The only thing that has changed is that I asked him to contribute towards our expenses when the last bonus was paid, he initially said he didn't see why he should as I have all our savings, that's when I replied telling him how much he's earned.  He replied telling me I should keep his next bonus, 'to help out' which I did.  I knew at the time that it would shock him ( as we know MLCer's don't think about what they're spending ) but he has always been concerned about saving for our future. I thought him seeing in black and white how much money he's spent, with nothing to show for it, might send him spiralling, I don't know if that's what's happened, but not replying to an email is new behaviour.

He might just be sulking because he gave me his last bonus 😳 ?

With a vanisher / hider you don't know what's going on in their lives so the smallest change in the way they respond to you is very noticeable and gets the mind ticking, but his change of behaviour shows something is happening, even if I haven't got a clue what it is 😄

On a brighter note I've bought one of those small 2 step ladders for the kitchen and it's made me laugh.  I'm fed up of having to scramble up on work surfaces to reach things, it feels like I'm replacing H with these £10 steps because I'm missing his height to reach stuff, can't think of much else he would be useful for at the moment 😂

And, I got peeped at recently 😄 it was as I got out of my car by a man driving past, after checking that my skirt wasn't tucked into my underwear or anything like that 😂  I felt quite chuffed, I think I might have blushed. Oh the simple things that make us smile

« Last Edit: September 30, 2017, 10:42:14 AM by Still Half full »
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #23 on: September 30, 2017, 06:22:22 PM »
Nice that your preventative treatment includes the bonus of a very understanding nurse.  Especially one that gets MLC! 

The update on your H certainly seems to indicate that something is going on with him.  The problem is that we see so little of them that it's hard to come to any conclusions about what might be up. 

I would hate to hear that you could/would lose your house.  I can see why you would feel a bit anxious regarding his behavior changes. 

Have any big work events on the horizon?  I know you haven't been attending them but just wondered if you had any coming up that you might decide to go to. 

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #24 on: October 02, 2017, 04:55:46 AM »
Hi SHF, glad you are feeling ok.  Laughter out loud at your replacement ladder H, probably better than the current 'actual' H as he has been abducted by aliens ;D

As the crisis goes on, I am sure there is only one way to know what they are thinking - wait until they are out of the tunnel and ask them!  Otherwise it's just guessing and we may be really wrong about their actions.  Think like a teenager and you've probably got the answer.

It's good your H is pretty ok with money, I haven't had a cent out of mine in over three years - money is part of his crisis, having it all that is!

If it ever come to having to divorce, fight for dear life to keep your home, he doesn't get to destroy everything.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #25 on: November 07, 2017, 05:53:49 AM »
Not much to report but Stillbaffled said she'd been wondering how I'm doing, so I decided to post, thanks SB, you're a great support 😊

MLCH is either responding to monthly work emails with 'thanks xx' or not replying at all, it makes me chuckle but also makes me cross, I'm a bit of a ball of conflicting emotions at the moment 🙃

I've socialised with SIL and BIL recently, which was lovely.  We met for lunch but suddenly realised it was early evening and we'd spent hours chatting, it was lovely, but as always these meeting affect me and my sleep, but it's worth it 😊

I also spent some time with one of H's business partners this week.  He's a lovely guy but spending time with him has just maked me miss all my colleagues / friends.  This guy is still avoiding OW yay.  We didn't talk much about MLCH but he told me that H's sort of checked out of everything work wise too, that's so strange.  He's also told me that the work events ( the ones that I'm upset that I don't feel like I can attend any more ) have been a bit rubbish this year, lots of problems and not as much fun. I'm sorry for my colleagues but I'm so pleased that they've not been great for OW, she's so desperate to attend every one !!!

So it was a mixed bag, seeing him was lovely, learning the events that I'm missing aren't great was good, hearing OW is still not really accepted by the group was satisfying but ... so sad that I'm missing this huge part of my life.  They are my friends but because H is weak and thoughtless I'm the one who has to take the higher road and avoid the events so there's no awkwardness

But he also said I looked great and it was nice seeing me so well and positive 😊 he laughed when I told him I didn't like H being so depressed and I don't want him to suffer, but I don't want him to be happier than me 😄 he loved my approach

It's a strange feeling, happy to see him and to confirm we're still good friends but really making me miss my old life, I feel the same when I see his family.  The plus side is that the business is making money which is good for me, I still have lots of work and get paid for what I do, and H is making money which I'm legally entitled to a share of, and this will put me in a more secure place financially if we divorce 🤓

But ..... honestly i don't understand how my H can pretend I don't exist, his life sounds a bit rubbish from what I heard from his siblings and business partner, but he's still not doing anything

I read here all the time and continue learning but this MLC stuff is mind boggling, I'm trying to concentrate on me but I still miss my old H

It does hurt that he's still with the OW, she encouraged him to lie and to betray me, I thought it might be easier if he moved on to another one, someone who wasn't involved in ending our M, but recently I've realised that this will only delay his journey, if he gets all the initial infatuation feelings of a new relationship it will give him a temporary boost and will stop him realising that he needs to do something sensible to improve his life

On a more important note, me 😂 I'm having an interview this week and I'm excited 😊 it's only for volunteer work, but it's for the hospice that cared for my mum.  I'm really pleased that I feel well enough to be able to volunteer and it's an amazingly positive place, it's also 10 years this week since I lost my wonderful mum, so it feels quite special.  If I get the job it will mean I get time to regularly interact with people, with working from home I spend far too much time alone and it's a good ( small ) step to get me out and about

So in summary, I'm doing ok, which is good 😊 but still bamboozled by the dramatic change MLC has made to my H
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #26 on: November 07, 2017, 06:42:18 PM »

MLCH is either responding to monthly work emails with 'thanks xx' or not replying at all, it makes me chuckle but also makes me cross, I'm a bit of a ball of conflicting emotions at the moment 🙃


I think most of us are there at times.  For me it's part of my new life. 

Thanks for the update, SHF.  I know we often think that we have nothing to post but I find myself looking most nights for news of folks that I feel like I've known for years. 

I, too, am glad that the events you are missing are a bit lackluster right now and the OW isn't enjoying the same level of fun that you always got to participate in. 

Interesting visit with H's business partner.  Thanks for sharing what someone who has the inside scoop on an MLCer sees and observes.  That stuff is always interesting to me.  I never get any closer to figuring anything out but it's still interesting to me. 

And hey......good news on the income that's coming in right now.   :)

Always good to hear from you.  I hope you've kept the rose colored glasses close by!   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #27 on: November 08, 2017, 01:39:11 AM »
Lovely to get your reply SB, thank you 😊

The more I hear about H the more I believe that he's in the mindset that he's getting what he deserves, therefore no fight to make things any better.  But I can't assume his life is completely doom and gloom, it can't be all bad with OW if he's still with her

His sister said he'd asked about me for the first time 😳 she said he asked if she saw me and she told him she did occasionally and I was doing ok. He told her that he'd spoken to me ( last May !!! our only conversation in 18 months !!! ) and that I was really nice. He filled up and changed the subject ???!?! 

On the financial side, I'm still keeping meticulous notes on his income, I can't pretend a D might not happen so I need to stay prepared to fight for my home. As I've mentioned he's earned a decent amount, but both his sister and business partner said he says he's always broke, I told them he isn't really contributing, that I am still covering the bills and that he's earned plenty, without going into detail

I don't think he speaks badly about me, but I also think he lets people assume I'm being tough with him financially, which is just not true. So even though I try not to talk about him I do make it clear that I'm not being a b~*>#

I didn't think I'd much to update with, but actually quite a bit has happened when I think about it,  even if it's at a snails pace 😂

And yes, I've always got those rose coloured glasses close to hand 🤓

Thank you😊
« Last Edit: November 08, 2017, 01:40:26 AM by Still Half full »
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #28 on: November 17, 2017, 06:31:35 AM »
I don't know ????!!!!!!!

I miss my H and my old life so much, I adored him and was very happy with him, I always said that I didn't know marriage could be so good, I'm sure he felt the same until MLC, I know he loved me, I was his favourite person and our life together was filled with love and laughter

Now, I don't know this man ??!!! A man who lied and betrayed, someone who ran away when his 'mistake' was discovered and left me to deal with everything alone. He took OW to events with 'our' friends within weeks and now says he knows he's 'ruined everything' and is adamant 'it could never be as good again'. Well, no his life won't be good unless he does something !

I don't know if I want him back, but I don't want anyone else and I don't want to spend the rest of my life single, I miss him

Recent contact - one of our cats has been very ill ( there seems to have been a few updates of others having ill pets recently ). He loved our cats as much as I do. It felt like the right thing to tell him, so I did. I carefully worded it ( I also did a pro and con list of contacting him 😄 )  and kept it brief and polite

He replied immediately saying he hoped she's ok and I should take his next bonus to 'help out'.  So I actually did quite well because I was going to ask him for financial contribution the next time his bonus was due, so now I don't have to ask, which is good.  I'd prepared myself that he might not reply or might not care, so his response was better than I expected, but it's set off the monkey braining again, I don't understand this man !!!!!

Sorry, I'm just ranting, but no-one else understands, I don't talk about him often and when people tell me stuff it's usually that he's changed and he's depressed, I don't want him to be in a bad way, but I can't do anything and I'm frustrated and sad
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline 1trouble

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #29 on: November 17, 2017, 11:06:08 AM »
SHF

Your post really resonated with me
I don't know ????!!!!!!!

I miss my H and my old life so much, I adored him and was very happy with him, I always said that I didn't know marriage could be so good, I'm sure he felt the same until MLC, I know he loved me, I was his favourite person and our life together was filled with love and laughter

Now, I don't know this man ??!!!
I don't know if I want him back, but I don't want anyone else and I don't want to spend the rest of my life single, I miss him


Sorry, I'm just ranting, but no-one else understands, I don't talk about him often and when people tell me stuff it's usually that he's changed and he's depressed, I don't want him to be in a bad way, but I can't do anything and I'm frustrated and sad

 :'(

I am about to go out and I am having to really really make myself go because such a big part of me just wants to stay in,but I know I must go....
I know that H is very depressed, everything seems a chore to him and he is so stuck....he is depressed consumed with guilt and shame and so lost yet, I cannot do anything to help him.....its got to come from him and yet like your H I think he feels he doesn't deserve anything from me.....
So I must live my life and that means make myself go out and try to have some fun.......fun use to be easy to have with H :'(

We will get through this SHF and we are the lucky ones because we have known real love xx
« Last Edit: November 17, 2017, 11:08:13 AM by 1trouble »
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline Shocked

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #30 on: November 17, 2017, 11:24:49 AM »
Hi SHF!!!
You said everything I am feeling and more!!! This is the place I find comfort because I can say and think this way!!! It’s not just moving on but knowing there once was a good guy that I loved and there is nothing else I can do. Here everyone really gets how embedded our pain is! Sending a hug 🤗 and walking with you on our parallel paths!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #31 on: November 17, 2017, 05:17:42 PM »
SHF - I hope kitty is on the mend.  Good that MLCer offered to help financially with kitty. 

You don't know if you want him back, you don't want anybody else, and you don't want to spend the rest of your life single.  Well, that's a tough spot to be in, for sure. 

Sure understand about the feelings of frustration.  They do surface and you're right about one thing.  This is the place to share those feelings because pretty much nobody in real life gets it or even wants to hear it after so much time has passed. 

Still walking the path with you. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #32 on: November 18, 2017, 06:47:27 AM »
Thanks 1T and I hope you enjoyed your night out. I tend to be able to enjoy myself when I do go out, I'm just not socialising as much as I'd like. I think that's a consequence of always socialising with H, and his work was a huge part of our social life. 

Quote
he is depressed consumed with guilt and shame and so lost yet, I cannot do anything to help him.....its got to come from him and yet like your H I think he feels he doesn't deserve anything from me.....

Your posts help so much, the detailed descriptions of your H's frame of mind help me see what might be going on with mine. I know he's depressed and full of guilt and shame, and like you I think he feels like he doesn't deserve me, it so sad, thank you x 

Shocked, it helps to be reminded you're not alone in this awful mess and thanks for the hug 😊 I'm sorry that anyone has to deal with the effects of MLC though, hope the new move is going well

Quote
You don't know if you want him back, you don't want anybody else, and you don't want to spend the rest of your life single.  Well, that's a tough spot to be in, for sure. 

I know 😂  I did admit I'm a ball of confusion at the moment 😄 MLCH is so different from my H and I'm just hurt and disappointed in how he's handled everything. I honestly don't know if I could get over it.  I know I will always love him, but I used to respect him, was proud of him, it will be hard to respect him again, but I guess that depends on what he does.. I read a BBhelp post in another thread which reminded me that's not a decision  I have to make right now, as H is still deep in MLC

As always SB, thanks for your support, I'm pleased to report kitty is improving, such a relief,😸 and it is good that he offered to contribute financially, I'm pleased I didn't have to ask

I don't often post spontaneously like I did yesterday, I'm still nervous about posting, so I tend to sit on my updates before I post, I know it's a self confidence thing and I'm a worrier, always scared that I might say the wrong thing. It's strange because I appear quite confident in real life, but I do worry.  My H used to reassure me, I'm having to learn to do that for myself, which is probably a good thing 😊

But yesterday's post was spontaneous, I was sad because I'd received a mailshot from H's business and it felt strange to learn what is happening with his business from a promotional email 😳 even though I work for him, I do accounts so I've no need to know the complete ins and outs of what's going on, but it was strange to find out the business plans this way

Anyway, I didn't really study the email until today and I've noticed something that I've mentioned before. My H is unrecognisable in the photos !?! He's not looking at the camera, his head is down and he's just fading into the background, very strange to see. One of his business partners told me that H had pretty much checked out at work and you can really see it in these photo's

It's really conflicting to feel sorry for him and at the same time be cross and disappointed in the ways he's behaved

Yup, it's official, I'm confused 😂 thank goodness for you guys who understand,  otherwise I would think I was going mad 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #33 on: November 18, 2017, 08:57:55 AM »
You know, SHF, in 22 months I've never once felt sorry for my MLCer. 

My conflicted feelings come with being angry with him and yet still loving him.  But the empathy for him?  I just don't have it.  I can't seem to find anything to feel sorry for him about.   ???

How's kitty today?
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #34 on: November 18, 2017, 09:30:25 AM »
I do understand why your angry SB, your H avoided you more than most, he's only just started peeping out and you both still had your guard up in the short conversations you had

I think if you spent any time with him you might feel sorry for him. I learnt so much when mine wanted to come back. He came to me to see if I'd take him back while he was still living with OW 😳 and he didn't realise how ridiculous that was until I pointed it out to him. The next day he ran away from OW while she was at work ! Just packed his stuff, hired a car and left. He texted me to tell me what he'd done and said 'I'm in hiding'. This was a very broken man

As we tried to reconnect his guilt / shame overrode everything. I didn't handle it as well as I could I have, I wanted apologies and declarations of love and he just wanted me to forget everything and to look after him. We couldn't find the right balance, so when OW told him she wanted him back and would never argue with him it was a much more appealing place, it was easier for him. I'm sure he regrets that, along with everything else he's done, so it just adds to his feelings of guilt

I think when you get these glimpses you can see the turmoil they're in. If I hadn't seen it I don't think I'd believe he was so messed up

So I think feeling angry while still loving him is understandable. I remember I said that I didn't think your H's life is as rosy as it looked, I still think there's a worm lurking in that apple. Mrs Six Surnames knows what she's doing, but I imagine the real her is showing more and more and think in time, you might see his real feelings

Thanks, I'm pleased to report little kitty is eating, woo hoo, I've been syringe feeding her, which she hated and I'm sure she thought I was trying to murder her 😹 so it's great to see her eating, fingers crossed but she's looking better 😻
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #35 on: November 18, 2017, 09:38:39 AM »
I do understand why your angry SB, your H avoided you more than most, he's only just started peeping out and you both still had your guard up in the short conversations you had

I think if you spent any time with him you might feel sorry for him. I learnt so much when mine wanted to come back. He came to me to see if I'd take him back while he was still living with OW 😳 and he didn't realise how ridiculous that was until I pointed it out to him. The next day he ran away from OW while she was at work ! Just packed his stuff, hired a car and left. He texted me to tell me what he'd done and said 'I'm in hiding'. This was a very broken man

As we tried to reconnect his guilt / shame overrode everything. I didn't handle it as well as I could I have, I wanted apologies and declarations of love and he just wanted me to forget everything and to look after him. We couldn't find the right balance, so when OW told him she wanted him back and would never argue with him it was a much more appealing place, it was easier for him. I'm sure he regrets that, along with everything else he's done, so it just adds to his feelings of guilt

I think when you get these glimpses you can see the turmoil they're in. If I hadn't seen it I don't think I'd believe he was so messed up

Good point, SHF.  Your opportunity to live through that craziness sure gives you an insight into their messed up mind. 

So I think feeling angry while still loving him is understandable. I remember I said that I didn't think your H's life is as rosy as it looked, I still think there's a worm lurking in that apple. Mrs Six Surnames knows what she's doing, but I imagine the real her is showing more and more and think in time, you might see his real feelings

You did, indeed, mention the worm lurking in the apple!   ;)   I do agree and I've stated it often.....Mrs. Six Surnames is a real pro and the ultimate game player.  The local pharmacist had just shared with a friend of mine that she'd gone to high school with the crazy lady.  She was telling my friend that Mrs. Six was batcrap crazy even then.  It was good for me to hear that!


Thanks, I'm pleased to report little kitty is eating, woo hoo, I've been syringe feeding her, which she hated and I'm sure she thought I was trying to murder her 😹 so it's great to see her eating, fingers crossed but she's looking better 😻

I hope she's getting lots of extra special treats! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #36 on: December 02, 2017, 10:35:04 AM »
I've been cycling a lot recently, I know it's because I'm dreading the holidays and it's also the anniversary of losing my mum and should be her birthday, so I'm feeling emotional

I've made arrangements to see SIL and BIL this week, which I'm really pleased about, it's good that we've developed a nice relationship, but MIL has said she would like to join us, I haven't seen her for about 2 years ( she lives a 10 minute walk away ) and she hasn't asked to see me since BD.  We've had a couple of pleasant phone conversations, but I've been really disappointed in how she's handled everything, telling me I'm still her daughter and always welcome, but not doing anything ( wonder where her son gets his conflict avoidance from 🤔 ) so that's happening this week and I'm torn, pleased that I'm seeing people who have been important to me for 28 years, but the elephant in the room is going to make it a bit awkward and no doubt emotional

I think my big problem is that I'm dreading the holidays, I have no plans, and can't imagine there is going to be anything I can join in with for Christmas Day. I've no immediate family, my in laws are too scared to upset MLCH so I can't imagine they'll invite me, my friend who has included me for the past 2 years is going away, my half brother, who is probably my closest relative is having his own marital difficulties at the moment and will probably be going to my dad's ( who I don't have a relationship with ) and all my other friends are spending Christmas with their extended families or in laws

I'Ve tried to improve my situation, I have been accepted as a volunteer at my local hospice, and it has made me feel good that they think I will be a good member of their team.  I'm starting this week and looking forward to it

I think I'm just going to have to just think of Christmas as just a normal weekend where my friends are busy. I'll have a cosy weekend with nice food and kitty cuddles ( it would be easier without all the happy families constantly portrayed on TV though 🙄 )

I miss my husband !
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Online Treasur

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #37 on: December 02, 2017, 07:54:01 PM »
I'm sorry, stillhalf - holidays and anniversaries of loss are always hard. It can make us all feel a bit emotional. Kitty cuddles will help, of course. I miss my husband and family too and find the 'happy family' stuff tough. But it is also true that we are not alone, that Christmas is hard for many people as you know from the hospice work. We can't go back and recreate what we had; new traditions are necessary, I think, but we can also count our blessings for what we did have and for surviving this hard LBS journey.

Hug x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Seeshell7

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #38 on: December 02, 2017, 09:06:39 PM »
SHF one trick I did with a cat I needed to get to eat that wouldn't was I would smear it on his legs and paws and he would of course have to lick it off being a cat.   I would also do that with the probiotic the vet said he needed.  Also would wet down his arms and paws if I felt like he needed to drink more water too.
I know EXACTLY how you feel.  This month is 9 months for me and I am torn between missing him and hating him.
It seems my mind is consumed with memories of our 20 years together.  My priest recently told me that was my body desperately trying to find some happiness, and the memories were a happy time, but now they cause me pain because I see them as a lost future, he told me to try to just see them as a happy time that did happy.
It's hard.
 
:)

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #39 on: December 02, 2017, 10:31:53 PM »
The holidays are difficult for most of us, even after four years in my case. You have the added sadness of losing your Mum and that is super hard.  You will get through this just like all the other holidays.  I have decided to work,I find it easier to look after patients than to watch my brother and his wife having a wonderful loving Christmas.  I'm glad they are happy but watching them hugging each other is hard on the emotions, so patients, here I come!

You may find people at the hospice would really love some company and it may be an opportunity to bring some joy to the lives of others? 

We will all be here, so hop on for support if you need it.

(((((((Hugs)))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #40 on: December 03, 2017, 05:37:21 PM »
SHF - I am intrigued with the request from your MIL.  I hope that the visit doesn't cause you anxiety.  I sure understand what you mean about the elephant in the room.  I do things with MLCer's brother, wife and kids.  Also with MLCer's Father and stepmom.  I love them dearly and they have been very good to me, as well as supportive.  But I also know that MLCer is still family to them and every so often something will be said about him and his new life and a sudden silence often lingers for a bit until the subject is redirected. 

It would certainly be nice for you to be able to enjoy a visit with these people that have been a part of your life for so many years.  I hope you'll let us know how it goes. 

I was hopeful that the second year of holidays would become easier than the first year.  I haven't really found that to be true this year.  I am working hard to adapt to the newness of what the holidays now entail. 

Your idea to volunteer at your local hospice was a good one.   Very generous and giving of you, SHF.  I have found that the volunteer work I do through our church coffee house ministry has been very uplifting for me.  I will enjoy hearing about the work that you do through the program. 

Nice to have an update from you.  Sending support as always. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #41 on: December 05, 2017, 08:26:32 AM »
Thank you Treasur, SS, SF, SB so much, the hugs feel good 😊 and knowing that you understand helps, but it makes me sad that so many people are feeling the same way, I know we'll survive, it will be different and not chocolate box family time for us, but we're strong, I don't think I'll be too bad just hunkering down

I'm pleased I'm starting to volunteer at the hospice. I'm going to be on reception but they are fully staffed at the mo, so I'm starting in the office this week, it's just one afternoon a week, but I was introduced to a lot of the staff and they all seem lovely, it's going to be good to be able to help such a wonderful charity

SS - Thankfully kitty appears well again and eating, phew, I'm so pleased but keeping a close eye on her, thanks for the tip 😊 I had tried that but she wouldn't even lick food off her paws, so murder by syringe feeding was the only way to get anything down her 😸

Warning - long winded update 😊

SB - I met with MIL yesterday, it was nice.  SIL and BIL were also there so it wasn't too intense as I've seen them a few times this year and we're developing a nice new relationship, but seeing MIL was different, she hugged me for such a long time and it felt wonderful

MLCH wasn't mentioned at all for quite some time, we were just catching up and it felt nice and natural.

Then MIL brought up H a few times towards the end, she hardly ever see's him, she doesn't understand what's happening because he doesn't talk about me.  She told me she's hardly met OW and made a point of saying that OW isn't invited for meals or anything like that, this was something I had been bothered about and had previously told SIL that I was bothered that OW had 'replaced' me in the family, so I think that this must have been discussed, I told MIL I was pleased to hear that and I also mentioned lightly that I didn't like the fact that they weren't allowed to talk about me, as I don't feel I've done anything wrong.

MIL bizarrely told me that she knew my H doesn't like OW's mother ( he loved mine and she was very important to him ). I told her that it made me sad that I hear from other people that H's depressed and still drinking too much, she brushed over this, saying that she doesn't see him often but I'm sure she must be worried too

The big thing she asked was about the work events, she asked me if I was going to any in the new year, I told her that I didn't think so, as I am concerned about other people feeling uncomfortable, she said she thought people would be past that and that she thought I'm missed by everyone.  She then asked if I wanted to go with her to the next one 😳 ( she occasionally went and I always looked after her ) she said she hasn't been without me and we could go together 😳 I explained that I think I have to accept that this isn't going to happen any more and it's part of my old life, she looked upset and said she still can't believe what's happened, she was always so confident that we had a great marriage. I explained she was right, we had a wonderful marriage and it went wrong very quickly and I think he had some sort of breakdown and now feels guilty ( her own H became religious overnight when he turned 50 and they've always joked about 'dad's mid life crisis' which lasted about 6-7 years.  She wouldn't understand what we discuss here so I didn't try to explain, I just planted the seed ). She looked upset and the conversation moved on, I can really see how if my H refuses to talk about me that the family won't push it

So it was ok but has stirred up a lot of emotions, they had brought me lots of Christmas gifts, ( last year I gave them gifts for all the family, but I don't think they had got me anything, I received a flower delivery the day after I'd left their gifts ) When I came home I opened her card which was 'to a much loved daughter' from Mum and Dad, which made me emotional.  They said they would all like to go out with me again before Christmas, I'll be pleased if it happens, but am keeping my expectations low 😊

I'm pleased I saw her, she's been my MIL for 28 years and even though they're a bit strange 😄 I do love all of them, It was nice, but it has stirred up all my emotions and I haven't slept, the first time is always going to be the hardest, she did say when H was living with her she felt awkward about seeing me, but I guess if he's not going to bother with his family I can ? I know he will always be their priority, but it will be nice if I can have a relationship with them


Thank you all for your replies and support, it helps knowing I can express myself here and you lovely people understand, you really do help me save my sanity 😊


Also, a few people have said that they might be doing things over the holidays that I'd be welcome to join in with, so I'm feeling a bit brighter about it all, even if I can go to a couple of social events I'll be happy 🥂🤓

At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Never say never

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #42 on: December 05, 2017, 09:45:51 AM »
SHf, this is all so hard, isn't it?  But you are doing all you can right now, which is let go of your husband and concentrate on you.

I am so glad you were accepted to start volunteering at hospice.  That will give you such satisfaction, I'm sure.

I know only too well how it feels when you talk about your husband.  Of course.  That was the love of your life and you had no doubt you were going to grow old with him.  The thing is, hopefully, you will.  I am realizing that the OW has a person we wouldn't want to be with right now.  They don't have the prize.  I know it's been said numerous times before, but when you finally realize it, it does make it a little bit easier.

These Mid-Lifers don't know what they are doing.  They don't love themselves, so you can be darn sure they don't love the OW.  You know that's impossible.  My husband used to tell me that when he was still living at home.  He would say:  "Never, not only do I not love myself, I don't even like myself."  So with that admission, that tells you how broken they are.

I'm so happy you had a good interaction with your MIL.  I think whether we had a good relationship with them in the past or not, they see how much we love their sons and how strong we really are. 

Hang in there, SHf ... we will survive this.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #43 on: December 05, 2017, 08:33:21 PM »
SHF - so you had a nice visit with the family.  So good to hear.  I certainly do think that you should enjoy time with them if that is their desire, as well as yours.  I so enjoy being with my FIL and stepMIL, as well as MLCer's brother and family.  I don't know how much time, if any, they spend with him and I'm pretty sure that the new Mrs. doesn't spend any time with them.  I don't ask and they don't offer.  I'd rather not know anyway. 

As for the events.....well, for sure I think you should take MIL and attend them!  At least a couple.  You are comfortable with her and she with you.  Think about it for a bit and see where you end up.

Also glad to hear that you have some opportunities for holiday merriment with friends/family.  Hoping that materializes for you.  All of those things help to get us through the holiday season. 

Still one of your biggest cheerleaders, buddy!   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #44 on: December 15, 2017, 04:08:10 AM »
It's difficult when the in-laws want to keep in touch.  My MIL didn't contact for the first two years and then I had a birthday message and she kept on texting but I felt bad as we are going to court soon and I don't want her to feel like the sandwich in the middle.

It's a slippery slope....
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #45 on: December 18, 2017, 05:29:19 PM »
Thanks Never, SB and SF for your replies, I'm looking for some advice please, I see from your replies that you understand where I'm at and agree that the in laws can be a bit of a minefield

So I was complaining that I had no plans for Christmas, thankfully that's changed, BFF and her lovely H have invited me for a Christmas Eve meal, which will be fun and comfortable. My kind of aunt ( my mum's lifelong BFF ) has invited me for Boxing Day, which will be comfortable and pleasant, and I have friends who I will hopefully see at other times too

When I met with SIL, BIL and MIL ( first time I've seen MIL in 2 years ) MIL asked what I was doing for Christmas Day and I told her I didn't have any plans, she looked a bit upset, but I made light of it and moved the conversation on. I haven't seen them since, but a few lighthearted texts with SIL and BIL

SIL has texted today that if I don't have any plans for Christmas Day I can go to hers ( where MIL, FIL, BIL and various nieces and nephew's will be, it's basically all H's family ) and I'm guessing that H isn't planning to join them.  It's really kind of her, but I don't know what to do ????  Part of me feels like I want to reclaim my family, they've been part of my life for 30 years, but I'm scared and worried that it's a pity invite and I don't want to cause any bad feeling between H and his family

How can such a lovely act of kindness be causing me to worry so much ??

After BD SIL was a great support, but they did all step back from me after a few months when things got a bit more serious, they didn't want to rock the boat with H.  I think the family are fed up of H not bothering with them so feel like they can welcome me back, but I feel that I will be dropped again if H causes a fuss, so I'm not completely relaxed

Part of me thinks I should grab the invite and enjoy 'my' family, but ... another part of me feels really nervous

And .. they are lovely ( a bit odd 🙃 ) but are all conflict avoiders.  SIL is always very kind and generous. If I accept I think I will need to do it without any ' I don't want to make things awkward ' type conversations, I know that she wouldn't want that conversation, but I also know her and think she's very likely to tell people she invited SHF just to be kind and now she's' coming ! She a hairdresser who loves to gossip, most of her clients are long term and she tells them everything that's happening in her life, she enjoys a bit of drama and to make her clients laugh and doesn't always think before she speaks, but she doesn't deal with anything deeper than surface level whereas I'm a worrier, if you hadn't noticed 😉
« Last Edit: December 18, 2017, 06:10:08 PM by Still Half full »
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #46 on: December 19, 2017, 03:05:09 PM »
Well, SHF, I can tell you what I'd do but I'm not you! 

When my FIL and stepMIL reached out to me I was also a bit wary and wondered if I was going to be hurt even more than I already was.  I decided that if they really and truly supported me and wanted to be in my life their actions would consistently show it.  They have been, without a doubt, a source of comfort and companionship for me over this last two years. 

MLCer and the new wifey are not discussed in my presence and I don't care to know if they have any relationship at all with them.  I do know that at holiday time I am the one invited to their gatherings with their other sons and families. I'm assuming that MLCer and wifey are not invited to any event that they invite me to as I can't imagine them putting me in that situation.   I don't ask anything about him and I don't want them to tell me anything either. 

I also think my in-laws are frustrated and very tired of MLCer's actions and this very unlikable personality he has acquired.  I don't know that and right now it doesn't really matter to me anyway.  I am happy to have them in my life and I know I can count on them. 

BUT.......that's me and my in-laws and our situation.  Your situation is YOUR situation and has its own unique bits and pieces. 

I probably haven't been very much help but I did want to share what has worked for me in my situation.  Plus, I also wanted you to know I care and would want what's best for SHF in this situation. 

Whatever decision you make I will be here to support and encourage.    Hugs, my friend. 

And hey.....nice to have such a thoughtful response from you on my thread regarding the security breach issue!   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #47 on: December 19, 2017, 05:13:47 PM »
SB you are so kind and your reply has really helped, thank you, I needed advice, and maybe reassurance, from someone who understands why I feel a bit nervous and I know you do 😊

Quote
When my FIL and stepMIL reached out to me I was also a bit wary and wondered if I was going to be hurt even more than I already was

This is a fear I have, but from my meetings with SIL and BIL I think I should relax a bit, they chose to see me, they like me and it's my brain that stops me from sleeping after I've seen them, not anything they've said, so their recent track record is good, I needed to remember that 😊

Quote
I decided that if they really and truly supported me and wanted to be in my life their actions would consistently show it.  They have been, without a doubt, a source of comfort and companionship for me over this last two years. 

Mine weren't great after BD, they did step away after a couple of months, so I think that I shouldn't completely relax.  Like you said I will see from their actions and they are choosing to have me in their lives now, this year has been good

Quote
I also think my in-laws are frustrated and very tired of MLCer's actions and this very unlikable personality he has acquired

I think mine are frustrated that they don't hear from him and have decided that if he's not bothering with them they can see me. So I do think if H emerges and spends more time with them they may distance themselves again, but I don't have a clue if that's going to happen, so I shouldn't worry about the 'what if's'

I need to remember they are inviting me to a social event, it's going to be busy and crazy, not an intense conversation and I'm good at being a social butterfly 😊 my nervous laugh and smile fool most people 😉

I think what has made me decide to accept is someone else casually invited me, nothing concrete, but I felt disappointed that I wouldn't be with the ILs

So your reply has reassured me, I'm going to call SIL rather than text and I will be able to judge the vibe, but hope that I feel that I can accept ( and I can always go to my other friend's home after the ILs 😊 I can put being a social butterfly into practice 😄 )

Thanks SB, I'm not particularly lonely, I've got some really great friends and am enjoying the volunteering position, but I do feel a bit alone. My marriage break down is old news, people don't know that I still struggle with what's happened / happening, which is why kind hearted, empathetic people like you and so many on this site are worth their weight in gold, thank you

And I'm so impressed how you dealt with your security breach 😄, I don't think you've heard the last from your H, so keep those security camera's switched on

Hugs and thanks 🤓

At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #48 on: December 20, 2017, 12:20:35 AM »
My take on it is that you should do what feels right to you and don't worry about motives or what your H thinks or any impact your visit may have on him - it's his problem.

I had a recent contact from my MIL after two years as well and because things are so difficult with all the court stuff between xH & myself, I answered her but kept it short and haven't followed up as she really does feel like the past to me now and seeing her would stir up all the xH stuff and she has met OW and hates her and I don't want to hear about her.

I would have to really love the family to keep contact and I just don't love them enough to hurt myself.  I finally realized I was important and stopped pleasing them - feels good.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #49 on: December 20, 2017, 05:12:10 AM »
You're right SF, I need to do what's best for me, I'm a sod for wondering and worrying what other people think or feel.

I'd like to see them, I'd like to see all the nieces and nephews that I haven't seen for ages, I'd like to be around a family on Christmas Day, not on my own with the cats and too much time to think,  and SIL is a great cook 😄

I don't have to stay too long, it's not far so I won't be stuck there and if I feel uncomfortable I can leave, but I think I would regret not going more than I'd regret trying

I'm calling her tonight and hope that it sounds like I'm really invited and not a guilt / pity type thing 🤞

Thank you, I'll be thinking of you on Friday 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #50 on: December 21, 2017, 07:45:43 PM »
Just a quick update

Thanks for all your advice, it helped clear my muddled brain and I felt calmer and less anxious when I spoke to SIL.

When I spoke to her she made me feel like I was definitely wanted on Christmas Day, she had assumed I'd be spending the day with my friends family, which I've done for the past 2 years.  She said that MIL told her I didn't have anywhere to go, so she sent me the text invite as soon as she heard

It sounds like it's going to be a mad house, around 10 family members going, but that's pretty normal and she's agreed to let me take a dessert, which is normally unheard of, she's a great cook and lays on a feast, but insists that she does everything 😊
MIL and FIL are picking me up, I'm on their route ( I can easily get a cab home if I feel uncomfortable ) but they're just treating me as a member of the family, no fuss, which feels really nice

I'm glad I called her rather than just replied to her text, we had a very natural chat and now I'm looking forward to my busy Christmas.  SIL ended conversation saying that she's really pleased I'm going 😊 which has made me happy and feel more relaxed

It will still feel really strange without H and I'll be waking up alone and returning to an empty home, but it is going to be so much better than I was dreading and I'm grateful

I hope everyone one of us has some enjoyment over the holidays, it's a difficult time for all of us in this strange situation that MLC has dragged us into, but it's also a time to count blessings and value the kindness of people.

( but all the fuss will be over in a few weeks and normal life will resumed 🤓 )
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #51 on: December 21, 2017, 07:51:42 PM »
I'm pleased to read that you are going to attend dinner with the in-laws. 

I also will be venturing to my FIL and stepMIL's home on Christmas Day.  They have some family members (not MLCer and Mrs. Six Surnames) and friends each year so it's a "mixed" bag and I won't feel at all out of place. 

I intend to have a very enjoyable time and like you, SHF, will start and end the day alone.  But hey.....we'll for sure be counting our blessings that day won't we?!?   :)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #52 on: December 28, 2017, 06:17:11 PM »
I hope you were all able to find some enjoyment over the holidays

I don't know about you guys, but I'm so glad all the fuss is over, bring on normality 😄

I actually had a good time, managed to enjoy myself and went out  and have had more contact with people than I was expecting, it's hovered between ok and really good, I class that as a fabulous result 😄

My health hasn't been fantastic though, I delayed my hospital treatment, discussed it with my wonderful nurse and we decided that if I had my treatment at the appointed time I would definitely feel rubbish all Christmas, but if I delayed it I might get some good days. I only had to cancel one night out ( which I was disappointed about ) and had to leave a bit early a couple of times, but on the whole I really enjoyed myself. I opened my gifts with the people when they gave them to me, which meant some were before the big day, which felt naughty 😄 but was much better than opening them alone on Christmas morning, as much as I love them, the cats just don't get that they're supposed to comment on lovely presents, but they're too busy chasing ribbons and bows and drive bombing the wraping paper ( we'd done all that when we were wrapping ( and them some re-wrapping because they liked pulling gift tags of the sparkly gifts 😻 )

Spending the day with my ILs was good, it felt normal, I was comfortable and felt part of the family. There was a little bit of an elephant in the room of H not being there, but the only time he was mentioned was when FIL complained H has taken MILs car for the past two years ( thankfully I'd previously clarified with MIL / SIL and BIL that H is still able to drive our car but he hasn't asked to use it since he left ). I think FIL is cross that H has taken MILs car.  ( side note - H could afford to buy one, but hasn't and lets his family think he's skint, but he isn't ) The other mention was when SIL picked up H's present and said she didn't know when she was going to give it him because she never sees him and rolled her eyes

Otherwise, he wasn't mentioned and I don't think he was particularly missed, whereas I know they were pleased I was there


I know SF told me if I was spending Christmas Day with ILs I shouldn't think about how it might affect H, epic fail, sorry SF

I can't help wonder ( not worrying, just curious ) how he feels about it. H does love his family, they exasperate him, but he does love them and has noted the last time we spoke, May 2017, that his mum was getting older. They are a close family but it's light and there's a lot of teasing goes on, I do want to have them in my life but I'm wondering how H feels ( if they tell him, I get the feeling his mum might not be comfortable telling him, but that's not my problem, there's also a chance that late teen nieces might post stuff on Fakebook so he'll probably find out if he doesn't already know ).

I can only assume H spent Christmas with OW, our friends haven't heard much from him and he's obviously wasnt with his family ( cos I was 😄 ).  H told both me and his mum on separate occasions that he doesn't like OW's mother, so if he spent it with her family I'm pretty sure he missed what happened here.

He's not bringing OW around his family in general, which I'm really pleased about, so I imagine he's going to be thinking about past Christmas's. He's lost so much because of his relationship with Ow but I think the biggest thing he's lost is his self respect, that must be pretty tough

Oh well, not my problem, but I do wonder how he feels about it

On an another note, I sent him a work email just before Christmas, cc'd with his business partners and I haven't got a reply form him, the others all replied.  It makes me laugh though, how can he pretend not only his wife doesn't exist but also the person who pays him 😂

He's  deep in escape and avoid but I don't think it's a great place to be, poor guy, I think he's decided there's no way back and he's having to live in the mess he's created, I certainly wouldn't want to be him, I'm regaining our mutual friends, even his work colleagues and family, whereas he seems to be losing everyone, except lying, cheating OW who he's already admitted isn't the person he thought she was, again not my problem.

I'm getting stronger, emotionally and my health, my social life is improving, I've started my new volunteer role, I'm keeping on top of running my home alone and doing more work for his business, so earning more. I know that being me must be a whole lot better than being him at the moment, and I hope 2018 is even better for me, I'm going to try to make sure it is by continuing to value people and continuing to get stronger

I don't feel as emotional about New Year's Eve, I don't think I'll be well enough to celebrate, but I've got a ton of chocolates to wade through ( I am planning on getting some decent healthy food in  too 😄)

I'm looking forward to 2018, 2017 was better than 2016 and a million times better than 2015, BD year ! So I'm hoping 2018 will be even better. I hope that statement doesn't come back and bite me on the a€$ though, I am prepared that it might also be dreadful if we start talking about D, but I'm stronger and have a better understanding. It would mean H would have to acknowledge I exist if he wants to start the D, so that might be progress in a strange way 😂

Thanks to everyone here, those who've supported me and those who have written their stories and feelings, from which I've learned and understand more, everyone has helped me 😊

So I hope everyone here gets something good in 2018, hopefully some people reconcile, maybe some people move on and decide they can have a good life without their MLC spouse, but hopefully we all get stronger, feel more healed  and detach from the MLCrazy that we have been dragged into against our will 🤓
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #53 on: December 28, 2017, 11:37:53 PM »
I forgive you SHF, we ARE all human after all :D - MLCers being the exception.

I am sorry your health continues to be a problem :'(

It's good your Christmas was happy and you made a real effort to have a good time.  We sure learn how to be happy don't we?

The New Year celebrations are wasted on me too SHF as I am working on the 31st and driving to my Mother's to pick her up from the hospital, so too busy to monkey brain about 'what might be'.

I hope the New Year is good to all the LBS's. Sure is better than 2013,14,15,16.  Wow, I have been at this a long time ::)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #54 on: December 29, 2017, 07:11:07 PM »
Hello HSF, all caught up on your thread and glad to see you posting more.  I'm glad that you had a positive Christmas with the IL's.

I am also praying for a better 2018 for LBS's.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Shocked

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #55 on: December 29, 2017, 08:25:46 PM »
Hi SHF,I am so thrilled your Christmas with your former IL went well. I know it could be so awkward. I’d always hope my IL would have been more supportive after witnessing his crazy. Even after hearing for years how I was a big part of their family. It’s nice to see some IL that really meant it!!! I hope your health gets better soon!!!🤗
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #56 on: December 30, 2017, 08:10:36 AM »
Hi, thanks for the replies, I like to share how things have turned out after I've asked advice on how to deal with a situation.

Spending Christmas with the ILs was a good decision, obviously I was a bit nervous, but so glad that I felt brave enough to go. I have to remind myself that I haven't done anything wrong and it was nice to be able to show them who I am again, I'm sure H having an affair and us separating has made them wonder

I have to keep to the no expectations with them though and just clock it up as a nice experience. If H returns to the family I'm sure they will distance themselves again, but they now know I'm not bitter or a weeping mess, I'm just me, doing the best I can in the situation

I'm back to hospital next week for my treatment. That will make me ill so I'm sure I'll have too much thinky time and being in pain isn't always the best time to think, so I'm trying to engrain the good Christmas experiences I've had so they are forefront in my mind as I recuperate 😊 and I can look forward to being well for my birthday at the end of the month 🤞 that the treatment works, but I'm definitely keeping my rose coloured glasses for 2018 🤓

I hope you all find happiness in 2018, it's been a tough few years ( some longer than others SF 😊)  and we have all tried to make the best of a really difficult situation ( even relocating Shocked, so brave 😊 ) so we all deserve it

Thanks for posting FW, it really helps to know that people who understand, read and care 😊

And SB, always there for me, I'm so very grateful 😊 hope you were able to enjoy the strange, different holidays and hope 2018 is great for you 🤓


On a completely different note - Is it normal for a plumber who has repaired boiler once before ( first time I met him ) to send text checking how I am ( I'm ill at mo and he was very kind when he came to fix heating earlier today ) to send a text asking how I am, not if the repair has worked, and ending text with kisses ???

I've got a migraine, so brain not working, but is this flirting or normal good service ???? 😂

Also, he didn't want paying, said he'd check that everything was working in new year, wouldn't even take a small amount of cash for travelling in the snow to repair the boiler, so I insisted he took a bottle of wine, was I giving the impression I was flirting ??

No make up, tatty track suit and looked like a zombie cos migraine make me look dreadful, so maybe he just felt very sorry for me 😂😂😂
« Last Edit: December 30, 2017, 08:12:13 AM by Still Half full »
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Online Treasur

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #57 on: December 30, 2017, 08:41:08 AM »

On a completely different note - Is it normal for a plumber who has repaired boiler once before ( first time I met him ) to send text checking how I am ( I'm ill at mo and he was very kind when he came to fix heating earlier today ) to send a text asking how I am, not if the repair has worked, and ending text with kisses ???

I've got a migraine, so brain not working, but is this flirting or normal good service ???? 😂

Also, he didn't want paying, said he'd check that everything was working in new year, wouldn't even take a small amount of cash for travelling in the snow to repair the boiler, so I insisted he took a bottle of wine, was I giving the impression I was flirting ??

No make up, tatty track suit and looked like a zombie cos migraine make me look dreadful, so maybe he just felt very sorry for me 😂😂😂

Err, no...not unless he's 93 and doesn't normally do texts and got his 6 year old granddaughter to send it  ;) Deffo, looks like an flirt window to me...do you like him? (I mean for more than just his boiler skills  ;D)

Hope your hospital time goes well, and you are soon feeling 3/4 Full! (And can heartily recommend audiobooks as a distraction from "thinky" if you're feeling physically a bit low)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #58 on: December 30, 2017, 03:49:46 PM »
Maybe if he had not ended his text with kisses, but ending that way to me screams of flirting.  Oh boy.

I think he likes you.  Especially since he didn't make you pay.

I see nothing wrong with you giving him a bottle of wine and I'm sure that you did not give him that impression.  But he must have been impressed anyway.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #59 on: December 31, 2017, 07:13:03 PM »

Spending Christmas with the ILs was a good decision, obviously I was a bit nervous, but so glad that I felt brave enough to go. I have to remind myself that I haven't done anything wrong and it was nice to be able to show them who I am again, I'm sure H having an affair and us separating has made them wonder

I have to keep to the no expectations with them though and just clock it up as a nice experience. If H returns to the family I'm sure they will distance themselves again, but they now know I'm not bitter or a weeping mess, I'm just me, doing the best I can in the situation

Happy to hear that you had a lovely time with the in-laws.  You are wise to have no expectations for the future but good for you for showing them the SHF that messed up MLCer kicked to the curb. 

I'm back to hospital next week for my treatment. That will make me ill so I'm sure I'll have too much thinky time and being in pain isn't always the best time to think, so I'm trying to engrain the good Christmas experiences I've had so they are forefront in my mind as I recuperate 😊 and I can look forward to being well for my birthday at the end of the month 🤞 that the treatment works, but I'm definitely keeping my rose coloured glasses for 2018 🤓

I am sorry that you are having to face this treatment and that it leaves you feeling so crappy.  Hoping that it works and that you make a nice recovery to be able to celebrate your birthday in fine fashion.  Are you able to still work after this treatment?  Good to hear that you have a firm grip on those rose colored glasses, my friend!  I'd be disappointed if you decided to toss them aside! 

I hope you all find happiness in 2018, it's been a tough few years ( some longer than others SF 😊)  and we have all tried to make the best of a really difficult situation ( even relocating Shocked, so brave 😊 ) so we all deserve it

How right you are, SHF, regarding the many brave folks here that have weathered (and continue to weather) this crazy MLC storm that hit us. 

Thanks for posting FW, it really helps to know that people who understand, read and care 😊

Agreed......THS is a place that encourages, supports and offers wisdom like no other.

And SB, always there for me, I'm so very grateful 😊 hope you were able to enjoy the strange, different holidays and hope 2018 is great for you 🤓

I had a nice Christmas and often stop to remind myself that I have much to be grateful for.  I, too, am hoping that 2018 is a year that brings great things for all of us. 


On a completely different note - Is it normal for a plumber who has repaired boiler once before ( first time I met him ) to send text checking how I am ( I'm ill at mo and he was very kind when he came to fix heating earlier today ) to send a text asking how I am, not if the repair has worked, and ending text with kisses ???

I've got a migraine, so brain not working, but is this flirting or normal good service ???? 😂

Also, he didn't want paying, said he'd check that everything was working in new year, wouldn't even take a small amount of cash for travelling in the snow to repair the boiler, so I insisted he took a bottle of wine, was I giving the impression I was flirting ??

No make up, tatty track suit and looked like a zombie cos migraine make me look dreadful, so maybe he just felt very sorry for me 😂😂😂

Well, the migraine part sucks but the rest of this little tete a tete is quite interesting!  Do keep us updated on this brazen plumber!  Some of us may need to locate a tatty track suit!
   ;)



Again, good luck with the treatment.  Post when you feel up to it.  Happy New Year, buddy. 
« Last Edit: December 31, 2017, 07:14:35 PM by stillbaffled »
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #60 on: January 05, 2018, 07:37:06 PM »
Hi SHF, Christmas sounded  much better for you this year.

[

On a completely different note - Is it normal for a plumber who has repaired boiler once before ( first time I met him ) to send text checking how I am ( I'm ill at mo and he was very kind when he came to fix heating earlier today ) to send a text asking how I am, not if the repair has worked, and ending text with kisses ???


Hmmmmm.... He could just be a really  nice guy.  I think the men around here need to comment on this one ;)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline heroIam

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #61 on: January 05, 2018, 08:07:13 PM »
Hi SHF
Good to read an update.  I hope your health improves quickly.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #62 on: January 30, 2018, 03:32:21 PM »
Sorry I haven't updated recently, I'm still reading and really grateful when you guys reply, it always helps, knowing that people get it when you're at a stage where you can't really talk about it with people in real life, I think they'd be shocked at how much his MLC still weighs on me

So confession time ( again )
I get so confused between letting go of the rope, paving the way and being a lighthouse when dealing with  hider / vanisher. I know MLCH still cares about me but find him pretending I don't exist hard, it makes me feel like I'm not worth remembering

It was my birthday, I went out with 'our' friends and I had a lovely time but I missed him, I'd had a few G&T's and ended up sending a middle of the night email 😳

Thankfully it was nice, just reminiscing, told him I felt lucky that I'd married such a lovely man and had such a wonderful marriage. I also said that it was hard now that he pretends I don't exist. I rambled but thankfully nothing I regret saying. I did write that I didn't expect a reply

I had to contact him yesterday for work ( along with his business partners), I kept it businesslike and didn't refer to the email, he replied to the business part and added that he'd read my email and wanted to read it again before replying, I didn't reply

He's replied to the emotion email today, he's told me it made him cry, thanked me for sending it.  He kept it fairly short but says he thinks about our wonderful relationship all the time, but he couldn't cope with my continued ill health and felt like his life was ticking away, he also wrote ( mid life crisis )

He said he thinks about me every day, he suffers terribly with guilt and I didn't deserve how he treated me, but he couldn't cope with the way I saw him after 'he messed us up'

He said sorry for letting me down and that when you separate you're supposed to hate each other, but that he could never hate me. He said that he's still the man I knew, not an unfeeling *^+*

So, once again I don't regret drunkenly contacting him ( it's been nearly a year since I last sent a short emotional text ) but I don't see any light in the tunnel, he can't face what he's done and has decided not to, there's absolutely nothing I can do, nothing to work with. He's defeatist and doesn't want to do anything and  nothing has changed. His guilt and shame is stronger than his desire to be with me

I don't agree that he's still the man I knew, I miss the old him 😔

I'm still rebuilding my single life and I think I'm doing ok, my social life is improving, I'm coping with everything, doing well at work and enjoying my volunteering, but I really miss him. I'm tired of being strong, maybe it's just the emotional hangover from coping with the holidays and my birthday alone, it's also the anniversary of meeting him, I told him he was the best birthday present I ever had 😔

Knowing that we both miss each other doesn't make it any easier, it's frustrating !!! I'm pleased I don't have to deal with a monster or MLC depression, but I want to punch him and hug him both at the same time 🙃
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #63 on: January 30, 2018, 07:24:53 PM »
I want to explain my thinking and why I decided to write to him

I know that writing to him might have been a mistake, but it felt right for me, at this time. I didn't find HS until after we couldn't work things out after he'd tried to return. I had been on another site ( which was a godsend at the time ) but the advice there was for 'normal' adultery not MLC. It was very much brave face, walls up, NC and at that time it was the right advice for me, my heart was so broken and I don't think I could have taken another blow.  Since I've been here I've learnt and there are different ways to cope with your H's behaviour

Some people advise to be the lighthouse, others suggest paving the way, some say that NC should not be used, except in abusive cases, some say don't contact them because it might feel like pressure. I thought it was worth doing something different after recently reading a few threads where the LBS has shown kindness, they haven't had returns, but it has made a bit of difference, so I'd got this in my mind and had been wanting to write something softer ( and the birthday G&Ts gave me a bit of courage to do it 😊 )

When BD happened and up to and after the failed attempted return, I didn't really give an inch. Early on he asked me what I wanted him to do, I told him I wanted him to stop doing things that hurt me, he might have been wanting me to ask him to come back ? I'll never know.  Prior to attempted return I told him not to end things with ow for me. During attempted return I think I was hard, if he asked to if I needed him to do anything, I would always say no, because I wanted him to say he wanted to see me, not make lame excuses. I wanted him to declare undying love, when he didn't I was disappointed and took quite a firm stance. I refused to let him kiss me because he hadn't been for STI tests. I constantly truth darted and any conversation turned to emotional stuff because I didn't want to talk about normal, everyday things. He didn't come out and ask me to take him back, he just hinted, so I didn't offer. I wasn't horrid, just tough

Since being here I've learnt that H might be suffering from MLC and his depression, guilt and shame might have been overwhelming him. I still think the attempted return would have failed, neither of us were ready, but when I told him he was too selfish, he believed me and decided there was no way back. I'd expected him to know what I was really thinking, ( that I wanted him to try harder )  because he always knew what I was thinking and needed before, I didn't realise how very different things were because of MLC

I think he might have thought I'd decided it was over, done, that there was no chance, so I wanted to let him know I wasn't bitter and angry, I decided that I had never let him see the real me since BD and that's all I wanted to show him

This is why I don't regret sending the email, I didn't ask him anything, I just told him how I felt about our marriage, I tried not to make it past tense, but I still haven't said anything that he could think was asking him to come back, no pressure, just reminiscing how good things were, I think I wanted to plant that seed

In his reply he said sorry twice, I can't remember if he's ever said he was sorry before, if he has, I haven't heard it

His reply shows me that he remembers me, but he still thinks he's ruined us beyond repair, but it was pleasant, he pointed out my positives, he let me know he knew it was his behaviour that has lead us to this point. So even if nothing comes of me writing a more honest, open, thankful for our marriage type of message, I hope he can think more kindly towards me. After all I'm pretty certain he got whacked with MLDepression

It's been a few days and I don't regret sending it ( yet 😊) I don't think it will change things drastically, I'm pretty certain he won't follow up with more communication, but who knows ? my kind, happy memories might have awoken something, even if it hasn't, I'm still pleased I let him see the real me

Thank you for being a safe place where I can learn, write and share my true feelings, you guys have all helped me so much. I don't mind any 2x4s or warnings 😊 I don't think I've got any expectations, but feel better, and that's because of what I've learnt from you I felt like I could be more honest with H, and show a softer side, which makes me feel better about the situation, thank you all 😊
« Last Edit: January 30, 2018, 07:43:04 PM by Still Half full »
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #64 on: January 30, 2018, 07:43:42 PM »
SHF - certainly no scoldings coming from me about your email.  You have shared that you are very okay with what you wrote and to me that indicates that it was the right thing for you to do in your situation. 

Nice that your MLCer could respond with some things I would love to have heard from mine.  I'm glad that you got that small piece anyway. 

If you think the "I'm sorry" was genuine on his part that is another positive.  Nice that he offered that up as well. 

Thanks for sharing in detail how you handled things from BD.  I think it's good for newbies to read lots of different stories and use what they think best fits their situation. 

Hope work is going well.  Any company gatherings you're considering attending?!? 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Loyal

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #65 on: January 31, 2018, 08:10:40 AM »
Attaching!
Me: 56
MLCer: 57
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010
OW: YES, he`s living together with a 60 year old spinster (before they got together) who just happens to live up the road.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #66 on: February 01, 2018, 05:50:40 AM »
Thanks SB 😊 a supportive, understanding metaphorical pat on the back, it was just what I needed. I'm working,  and think I'm doing a good job in really strange circumstances 😄 knowing what's happening and dealing with the finance while not being involved still feels strange. There are events coming up in the Spring, but I'm not planning on going, it's better for me to accept that's part of my old life now 😊 thank you x

Hi Loyal, thanks for attaching 😊

I took my time thinking about my reply, I kept it short, but I acknowledged that he said he's sorry, that meant a lot to me and I Thanked him for replying, he didn't have to and he must have thought about it

It's also really strange to experience my H writing to me, he's been pretty much radio silent since April 2016 except for work emails, which I get a couple of words ( sometimes ) as a reply, but we never wrote letters during our marriage, just texts and birthday card messages.  We talked openly about loving each other and said lots of nice things to each other, but this  is one of the first 'letters' I've ever received from him.

Writing my second post the other night opened my eyes, I knew I'd been tough. I had felt battered and very vulnerable and kept my protective walls up, but I am more healed now and it's genuine, not just a brave face and I'm pleased that I feel like I can be more open and honest now, and I still don't regret sending the email, so that's good 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #67 on: February 01, 2018, 11:13:01 AM »
I don't think sending the email was a bad thing.
You just told him how you felt and he can take it or leave it and what's more important is that it made you feel good that you said what you wanted to say.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Upintheair

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #68 on: February 01, 2018, 02:57:20 PM »
Still half full, you tried, and you know he heard you. There's no change in him, but I don't think he will punish you for writing that letter to him. Unfortunately he is not ready to face you yet. I am doing the same thing like you, time to time I check. So far no success . Let's keep hoping.
Upintheair
"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #69 on: February 05, 2018, 06:32:09 PM »
Hi SHF, We all send emails at times, I've done it and not received a response but what you did you did for you and he does seems to have some insight although the depression is keeping him from processing this.

Happy belated birthday!!  It's good you went pout and enjoyed yourself, it's always hard not to miss them.

Sending him the email gives him the opportunity to know you are there for him if he needs you and this is a good thing for any depressed person.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #70 on: February 13, 2018, 01:41:27 PM »
Thanks Schratz, Up and Savvy, you all settled my mind that I hadn't done something that could backfire 😊 I am still pleased that I sent the email, it felt like the authentic me, but it also helps when people who understand the complexities of MLC give you their support and  I needed a reminder that he's depressed Savvy, and thanks for the birthday wishes, I did enjoy the whole weekend 😊


I feel a bit lost at the moment, I'm aware it's a dip, but I'm a bit weepy ( which I haven't been for ages ) and can't seem to lift myself out of this funk

As always I've been reading here and the other day found a link on how to get over a broken heart, it was a Ted Talk and said to list all the negatives about your "ex".  I did that and even went on to list all the ways that I think I'm doing better than MLCH and it felt great, for a couple of hours, since then I just can't stop thinking about how sad it is that we're separated and how much I miss him

Maybe getting the nice reply to my email has also affected me. It seems like such a waste that we both still care about each other but he's not strong enough to do anything. I feel like I've let him know I'm not bitter and he even said that most people hate each other when they separate but he could never hate me. I don't feel like I can do anymore, but I'm so sad

There's a huge thing starting with his work, it's the best part of his job and it will probably be busy and fun for the rest of the year. We've gone through a few of these big events throughout the years and now I can't be involved ( except for the boring paperwork from home. Rose coloured specs time - at least I will have lots of work and will earn more 🤓 ) but it's sad to be on the sidelines and not be involved, I'm avoiding all social media so I don't hear about anything I'm missing

ow will make sure she's involved ( unless H wakes up and ends things with her ). His work is why she contacted him via Fakebook in the first place, she admired his work 🙄 so this is exactly what she wanted, and I'm certain she'll be doing everything she can to be involved. 

Bit of backstory - When I asked him soon after BD if ow could not attend an event so that I could go, he told me that she cries if he doesn't let her go 🙄 !! So as predicted he takes the easiest route and lets her attend, so I don't. It's not fair to our colleagues if I go, ( I tried it once and it was awful, I lost my cool and ended up leaving in tears 😔 H said that was one of the worst days of his life, so I don't want to go through that again, even though I'm stronger now, I know it won't end well, so I'm staying away while ow is around )  We are a close knit group and I know it would make the colleagues uncomfortable ( Rose coloured specs time again 🤓 I know that they all like me and miss me, they keep in contact and most of them dislike ow, but it's not up to them to get involved ) I think H is aware she's not liked, but it's easier for him not to think about anyone else

So I'm sad and disappointed, like so many of us, I know this isn't my real H.  I know that ow is not who he wants, but maybe what he think he deserves ?  I've heard from so many that he's depressed and they argue a lot, but that doesn't change the fact that he doesn't do anything about it, I think he's still with her and that is so frustrating

I don't know if we will ever be in a place where we can be together again and I hope I'm not waiting for him to try to come back, I just seem to be struggling with the 'this is my new life' bit, it's a bit lonely and I miss sharing my life with him

I am trying with GAL, I'm enjoying the volunteering, meeting lovely people there and I can see there are going to be possibilities to improve my social life through these lovely people, I'm going to pilates, I'm keeping up with the house and pleased with the standard of work I'm achieving, it's just that all my friends have such busy lives, and me and H always did everything together ( maybe that wasn't healthy, but we both liked living like that )

I want him to wake up and see that his life could improve if he was  a bit braver, but I know there nothing I can do and I'm fed up of being disappointed and frustrated

Has anyone got any advice to help me get out of this funk ?
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #71 on: February 13, 2018, 04:42:28 PM »
Sorry about the funk SHF but sometimes I feel better after a funk time as it seems to help me progress through all of this.  It's possible the feelings we have during this are actually pushing us on to something better.

I usually find getting out with friends to break the monkey braining helps as wallowing in self pity is rather destructive.

I feel a bit the same as you at the moment, all the legal stuff from last year has taken its toll.

We need to be kind to ourselves and not too harsh when we are having a bad time.  We are all here for you and understand.  I don't know how I will ever really accept that my once lovely husband is no longer lovely at all.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #72 on: February 13, 2018, 07:00:54 PM »

Has anyone got any advice to help me get out of this funk ?


Buy a Harley?!   ;)

Good to have an update from you SHF.  It sounds like you are doing what you can to continue to move forward with your healing.  I think it just takes as long as it takes.   

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #73 on: February 14, 2018, 11:38:27 AM »
Still, I am sorry you're in the funk and I wish I would have anything helpful to say how to get out of it. Been in the funk myself for a couple of months now and have no idea how to crawl back out. Like you I do GAL and do stuff, but nothing fills the big hole my H left in my life. I just miss him and sharing things with him and talking with him.
And yes, it is such a waste that the two of you clearly care about each other, but that your H can't get his head out of his ar$se and do something about it.

Ugh - all I can do is send you a big Cyber Hug - Let's hope we both can crawl out of this funk soon
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Shocked

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #74 on: February 15, 2018, 07:18:25 PM »
Hey SHF! I’m hoping your funk is fading. We all go in waves of good days and bad. I hope your good days are happening more often than your bad. We have be permanently altered. Be kind to your yourself. You are trying to get better but it won’t happen quickly. The thing to remember is youare still trying!!! My current mantra is keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m bound to get somewhere better. I hope that works for you too. Sending a big hug!!!🤗
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #75 on: February 18, 2018, 08:10:01 AM »
Thanks so much for the hugs and supportive words, they definitely help and I'm very grateful

Funk has eased a bit, thankfully 😊 I think one of the best things I did was to volunteer at the hospice, I did two shifts last week and it's really good for me. Having to put my face on ( being able to work from home is a blessing health wise, but I do spend far too much time alone and  the cats don't seem to mind me make up free 😊 ) mixing with lovely kind people and being compassionate to visitors at the hospice does me good, I like to feel as though I'm being a bit useful, it's a wonderful place and I feel blessed that mum was looked after there, it gives me a lot of comfort.  I even attended a pilates class there, they set up a lot of things for the wellbeing of both staff and volunteers, and we can buy delicious, discount price food made by the chefs, so I  leave with something nice to eat too

Counting blessings works quite well for me but I really do need to improve my social life, I think this would help with the funks. My friends are lovely, but all very busy. They would make time for me if I 'needed' them, but because I don't want to bother them I give the impression I'm doing fine. No-one IRL understands how devastating this is, and I'm glad, I don't want anyone to go through this, but I think they feel a coffee or a night out would be nice when they have time, I don't think they realise how much this would help me and I hate to feel like I'm bothering them. So as a result I spend too much time alone

I think the hospice will help, there are lots of events that I can volunteer to help at and I think that will snowball, but it will be a slow and steady pace

Savvy
Quote
We need to be kind to ourselves and not too harsh when we are having a bad time.  We are all here for you and understand.  I don't know how I will ever really accept that my once lovely husband is no longer lovely at all.

Thank you, this helps loads and I struggle to believe my lovely H has done all this and has run away 😳. I want to send him a spine as he's obviously lost his somewhere 😂

SB - getting a Harley 😂 I think a quad bike would be more appealing but I'm sick of making sure everything in the house works, I don't think I can be bothered with anything else that would need maintaining  ( and I've no interest in riding 😄 other than hearing how much you enjoy it 😄 ).  I've looked at meet ups but nothing is appealing, yet, maybe something I should keep thinking about though

Schratz
Quote
Like you I do GAL and do stuff, but nothing fills the big hole my H left in my life. I just miss him and sharing things with him and talking with him

This is the biggest thing, I miss him

Shocked
Quote
Be kind to your yourself. You are trying to get better but it won’t happen quickly.

I needed to be reminded of this, I feel guilty when I feel low, so that makes me feel worse, I have to remember I am getting better and I'm doing ok after such a life changing event 😊

Thanks everyone, you always make me feel better. I hope you've been able to enjoy the weekend and here's hoping everyone has a great week 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Online Treasur

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #76 on: February 18, 2018, 11:22:42 AM »
Having to put my face on ( being able to work from home is a blessing health wise, but I do spend far too much time alone and  the cats don't seem to mind me make up free 😊 )

Same for me, SHF...but you've given me a prod

No-one IRL understands how devastating this is, and I'm glad, I don't want anyone to go through this, but I think they feel a coffee or a night out would be nice when they have time, I don't think they realise how much this would help me and I hate to feel like I'm bothering them. So as a result I spend too much time alone

Completely agree...and some of my chums were just worn out by the super-weird drama and my grief in the first year. To be honest though, some of my isolation is also because I curled in on myself like a wounded animal for a long time, so no-one's responsibility but mine really. I guess new RL folks also won't know about the past or feel obliged to ask...which means I won't get 'suckered' into banging on about it either!
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #77 on: June 08, 2018, 05:47:14 AM »
It's been a strange week for me, I've seen inlaws and also spotted hiding MLCH for the first time in nearly 2 years

Seeing in laws is bittersweet 😔 so nice and normal to have contact with them but there's an elephant in the room as MLCH is not normally discussed and avoiding talking about him feels weird

When I met MIL and told her I thought I saw H the other day, I only spotted him driving past but it had made me feel strange.  Anyway, MIL confirmed it was him, I asked if he was ok and then the conversations that we've been avoiding for the past few years happened

It's unsettled me but I think I'm pleased that I've been able to talk about my view of things, I didn't say anything negative about him but when MIL was negative about ow I added fuel to that one 😄 and I don't care ( much 😄 )

All week, since I saw him my brain has been swirling and I don't understand, even though I do ??!! H is laying in the bed he made, I got another confirmation from his mum that they argue all the time and ow refuses to let him out of her sight, is jealous and they don't show affection ( phew ) but I know no one who cares about me is going to tell me they think she's lovely, MIL appears sad about our separation, but pleased to see me

I guess I've got to accept seeing inlaws will always be bittersweet, I thought they were my family, but they're H's family and I'm just someone they care about but will never be their priority. I try to end things on a happy note, leave with hugs and smiles

So it had unsettled me a bit and then a few days later a package arrived in H's name. I've always opened all the post as he hasn't changed anything, but I just deal with it as if it's addressed to me and H knows that. A package was a bit unusual but I opened it and it was his prescription medication, which was strange

I thought carefully and then sent a very basic but pleasant message to him today, I consciously decided not to offer a fix ( I know that's what I would normally do ) and decided to see how he wanted to deal with it. He replied that it was supposed to have been delivered to his parents, no fix. So I replied it wasn't a problem. He's replied that it's not urgent, still no fix !!!!! So I'm trying really hard to not do anything, I'd happily drop it off with his parents, but I think he needs to ask ( I don't think he knows I've been seeing his parents, they say he refuses to talk about me in any way, if my name is mentioned he puts his hand up, head down and apparently looks upset 😳 ) or he can ask to come to collect it

Am I being petty or is this something that I should do, let him take responsibility to find a solution ?

The added complication is that his mum told me he is going on holiday with ow. That stung a bit but I calmed down and reminded myself he's in a relationship with her and that's what people do. But I know he'll be feeling guilty about it and I think needing his medication for his holiday and it being sent to me will just add another layer of guilt

I'm trying not to let the monkey get too tight a hold of my brain, but I feel unsettled, I know that I'm able to cope, I'm doing ok but am sad and miss my old life, but also know that my life will never be so easy going again, no matter what happens, his MLC has changed me and it's up to me to deal with it, but it's not easy, especially when something different happens, like it has this week

Thanks for being a safe place where I can admit my feelings and confusion 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #78 on: June 08, 2018, 06:38:21 AM »

Am I being petty or is this something that I should do, let him take responsibility to find a solution ?

In my opinion you have been very gracious about the package by letting him know it arrived.  It's now up to him to figure out how to get it.  I would not offer to drop it off.  I'm guessing he might ask his mother to come over and pick it up. Whatever he does, it's his responsibility to retrieve it.  Occasionally I still get mail for my MLCer.  I never contacted him about it but would drop it back at the local post office and let them deal with it.  I never knew if he got it or not.  Maybe they just threw it away.   After year two ended I told myself I was not his secretary any longer.  It goes in my garbage now (well, truth be told, I do open some of the stuff if it looks interesting!  ;))


Good to hear from you, SHF. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Tyks

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #79 on: June 08, 2018, 07:11:38 AM »


I'm trying not to let the monkey get too tight a hold of my brain, but I feel unsettled, I know that I'm able to cope, I'm doing ok but am sad and miss my old life, but also know that my life will never be so easy going again, no matter what happens, his MLC has changed me and it's up to me to deal with it, but it's not easy, especially when something different happens, like it has this week

Thanks for being a safe place where I can admit my feelings and confusion 😊

This is probably the hardest thing to do, even after such a length of time.  I agree with SB about the package :)
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #80 on: June 08, 2018, 12:42:41 PM »
I 3rd what SB and Tyks said!

You are not being petty at all.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #81 on: June 09, 2018, 04:16:51 AM »
Thank you for the confirmations that I wasn't being petty, you all helped me relax a bit yesterday and I really appreciate your support 😊

It's strange how things work out, this week of a tiny bit of insight into hiding H has given me the confirmation that I needed, H is still lost 😳 so now I'm pleased I've had this strange, unsettling week

Thank you for helping me see that this is not how a grown up, who is not in MLC, should behave 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #82 on: June 11, 2018, 10:06:11 PM »
You and I are in a similar place at the moment SHF, this is such a horrible marathon, I wish our H's would stop running in it.

The down days come and go.  I have decided just to let them rather than trying to do something about it.  Letting things be seems to answer my troubles better than actively stopping the thoughts and feelings.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #83 on: June 12, 2018, 05:41:25 AM »
SF - I totally agree, it's horrible seeing someone you love so lost and not doing anything to improve their lives. Even though I understand it's a symptom of MLC I can't understand how the man I shared my life with can behave like this, it's mind boggling. None of us would have been attracted to someone like this



I'm really grateful that you guys gave me your support and advice 😊 you gave me time to think calmly and I'm pleased that by using what I've learnt here I've got more insight.

My initial reaction when I got the package was to panic about the possibility of seeing him, so I'm pleased that I posted here then took my time and then just threw the ball ( package 😄 ) into his court.  Normally I would have sent a text telling him I'd received it and asked him what he wanted me to do, and would probably have listed all the options so he could chose. Thankfully I remembered that it's not my job to fix anything for him, I'm still surprised at his lack of being able to sort anything 😳 so it turned out to be a good insight  that he's still living in avoidance

I'm pleased I got your advice, it gave me time to relax and think about what was best for me, so I'm sorry but I decided that I would feel happier if I just passed the package on to his parents, it felt like kryptonite, I was so concious that it was his asthma medication and even though he'd said it wasn't urgent, the thought of him struggling for breath concerned me, I wasn't comfortable keeping it from him just because he's too broken to arrange to collect it

I had to drive past his parents house and decided if I passed it on I could stop thinking about it, and it was nice to see his mum and dad.  I don't know if he's aware that I'm in contact with his family, so he might be surprised when he finds out I'm comfortable going to their house, but I'm not going to monkey brain about that ( well I'm going to try 😄)

So yeah I stepped in and fixed things, but it was because I'd taken my time and decided what was best for me. He's thanked me so that's finished with and I feel comfortable with my actions

I'm pleased I didn't offer to fix it for him, this was fixing it for me, so I think that's progress ??!?!
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Online RedStar

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #84 on: June 12, 2018, 09:15:02 AM »
I totally agree, it's horrible seeing someone you love so lost and not doing anything to improve their lives. Even though I understand it's a symptom of MLC I can't understand how the man I shared my life with can behave like this, it's mind boggling. None of us would have been attracted to someone like this

Still Half, It's insane that we're all in this position (until/unless something improves)...but really great that we can share about it here and gain support from each other. I am so thankful for these forums too!!

Quote
So yeah I stepped in and fixed things, but it was because I'd taken my time and decided what was best for me. He's thanked me so that's finished with and I feel comfortable with my actions

I'm pleased I didn't offer to fix it for him, this was fixing it for me, so I think that's progress ??!?!

I think so, definitely. It's really important to sort out if we're allowing them to be too dependent or if it's compassionate interdependence. It's OK I think to be generous to them sometimes as long as it's also honoring ourselves.

About a month ago, I was talking to a friend about my sitch and she just came out with, "You're a fixer." And this isn't how I ever saw myself...but I had run across the term on MLC sites and well, I guess maybe I was one. Hearing that from her, I have also backed off from anything I think is "fixy."

 

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