Author Topic: My Story Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic  (Read 3002 times)

Offline Savoir Faire

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My Story Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2017, 08:15:53 PM »
Sorry you are feeling down about life SHF but you have come a long way since the horrors of BD and you should be proud of that.  We all heal at different rates, but i do feel there is a place we get to which is one of acceptance rather than actually healed, as healed only comes when we totally accept our lot and that takes much time.

Our hiding MLCers are hiding because they can't face us.  Looking at us would bring the feelings of shame for being such a fool and they just can't face that feeling, so tell themselves they are so much better off, have moved one and are doing well.  This is all foolishness and they continue on a lonely and depressive path which is one I would not want to be on.

Take things slowly and in a few months things will begin to look better than they are today.  It may help to join a social group in your area, such as a book club so you can meet some other people who aren't associated with your H or the life you had together.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2017, 02:51:34 AM »
Thank you all 😊 it helps so much just knowing someone gets it, and if I said this to my friends I think they'd be uncomfortable, I'd hate that

I've had some sleep and things don't feel as bad this morning, but I'm glad I 'voiced' my sadness here, I think writing your thoughts down is cathartic and even more so when you get replies and support, thank you

SB, thank you, you're always there for me and I'm very grateful, I have written my 'if anything happens to me' letter a few months ago, great minds hey 😊 I know it's not legal but I felt better writing out my wishes

Mae - thank you, you're right, it just shocked me that my eyes leaked, I didn't realise that it was still so easy to slip into the sadness. I definitely have more good days and I think I am processing, rather than just getting through each day by the skin of my teeth 😊
Reconnection sounds like a whole different ball game of difficulties, I hope your journey keeps heading that way though

SF - thank you, I hope I'm healing, I think I am, but it's a long journey isn't it ? I would definitely prefer to be in my shoes rather than his, I think guilt and shame are heavy burdens to carry.
I have got an application form to volunteer at the local hospice that looked after my mum, the staff were amazing and I still find comfort visiting the gardens there, so hopefully I can help there, I think that will help me and hopefully them 😊


I have thought about my will, my solicitor mentioned that early on, but I haven't changed it yet because I don't care if my H gets everything, I've no children and have no problem with him being the beneficiary, whatever I leave is mainly from the life we built together and we did have a lot of very happy years

I have written a letter saying what I'd like to happen and left it with my passport, the letter is all about stupid stuff, like who I'd like to take my gorgeous cats 🙃 if H doesn't want them, which pieces of jewellery I'd like to leave for friends, but I've no idea who is going to deal with it, I guess H will have to if we haven't divorced

I don't want to divorce him, I cant get my head round divorcing someone you love but I do understand that some people unfortunately have to, I'll cross that bridge when I have to.  I don't want to fight over the home that my mum left. She worked hard all her life and always struggled financially, but she managed to own a house and she left me it, well us, we were happily married when we lost her and we did a huge renovation to make it ours, so legally he's entitled to 50%. He has said he would rather sleep in the gutter than do anything to make me lose my home, but I know I can't trust anything now so I have to be prepared

H's still my emergency contact on my phone, so if anything happens he'll have to deal with it 😊 but I just couldn't list him on a new form, it felt strange and I was surprised when it made me cry

I think it's just a blip, I've found my specs and need to put them back on 🤓

Thank you all 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline heroIam

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2017, 06:54:49 AM »
SHF,
We have to be gentle with ourselves.  Yes, I feel the sadness at times too.  I struggle with second guessing myself sometimes.  I hope you start to feel better soon.  Funny, I've looked at doing up a will recently, advance directive with my health insurance, my emergency contact at work, etc... and wondered if i should even leave my H on these forms.  And, I do.  He is still my legal spouse regardless of his escape and avoid issues.  We have no kids either. But I have four cats!   I also am concerned for my cats if I'm no longer able to be as mobile or if I'm not around to care for them.  I've not thought about who I'd like to have care for them.  Don't think my H would want the responsibility.  Something I need to think about.....though I hope I'm around long enough to care for them.
You'll have to share cat photos!  And, hope we can get together soon since you are fairly close by.  Take care SHF.  Sending big hugs.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online Treasur

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2017, 11:27:22 AM »
Dear SHF - I've had those 'who will organise my funeral' moments too - like super pity party - but real in this situation after a long marriage with no kids. And I was at a funeral recently and it struck me that no-one would be there to tell stories about the last 20 years of my family life.

I am also the legal guardian for my mother who has dementia...no idea what would happen if I got knocked down by a bus.

I suppose I shake it off with two thoughts - one is that just as I couldn't have seen this 2 years ago, I have no idea who will be standing in my life in 2 years time. And second is that I should be careful around buses!

Sending you the biggest hug though. Sometimes the paperwork of life has a real bite to it. x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #14 on: September 15, 2017, 03:58:57 AM »
Hi Hero - lovely to hear from you, I know we're in a similar position with our H's.  I'm not changing any existing forms, he is my next of kin until he does something to change that
He adored our cats and we are both responsible for having a few too many 😸, I've managed not to add any more since he left, I don't want to be known as that crazy cat lady 😂
When he left the first thing his sister said was that she couldn't believe he'd leave the cats, not me 😂 and when OW got a cat he insisted it was hers, not theirs, it was like he didn't like the thought of replacing / cheating on ours 🙄
I think my H will want them if anything happens to me, but just in case he doesn't, In my wishes letter I've said that the cats should come with a dowry to cover their care and listed which ones should stay together 😄😻

Wow Treasur,  I've read your thread and will post on it, you've really been going through it.
It must be an additional pressure when your parent is suffering dementia, my mum was only 60 and ill for six months, it was hard to see the changes in her as she deteriorated very quickly
You're right, we shouldn't worry about the what if's, I've done well with them in regards to H, but this next of kin, funeral thing threw me, but today it doesn't seem as important, someone will do something, it won't be my problem 😊

Seeshell - thanks for attaching, I'll catch up with your thread 😊


I do feel a lot better today, back to living in the moment. I also popped in to see H's sister, she was pleased to see me and we're hopefully going out together next week, and their youngest brother might join us, which would be lovely.  I think I have to push myself to contact them more, I know they like me, so I'm not going to avoid them just because it might make H uncomfortable

This is my life and I'm responsible for making it the best it can be, the cats are having chicken for lunch, so they're happy, and I'm having muesli, I think I've got my priorities mixed up there 😂

Thank you all, you've really helped 😊

At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #15 on: September 15, 2017, 07:18:29 PM »

I do feel a lot better today, back to living in the moment. I also popped in to see H's sister, she was pleased to see me and we're hopefully going out together next week, and their youngest brother might join us, which would be lovely.  I think I have to push myself to contact them more, I know they like me, so I'm not going to avoid them just because it might make H uncomfortable


I'm glad you are getting together with your SIL and BIL.  I have remained in close contact with my MLCer's brother, wife and children.  Those kids have always called me Auntie and continue to.  They rarely see their uncle these days and I have no idea if they've been their new "Auntie" but I'm pretty sure that even if they have she will never be called Auntie. 

I was invited to this niece's volleyball tourney tomorrow at a neighboring school and I'll be attending and sitting with them.  So you just get right out there, SHF, and have a great time with those relatives of H's that want to spend time with YOU!! 

Glad you're on the upward swing!  You must have your glasses back on!   ;D
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #16 on: September 18, 2017, 05:18:07 PM »
SB - thank you,  hope you had fun at the volleyball with your family 😊, I think one of the blessings of going through this nightmare is that I really appreciate people now, I've always loved my friends and enjoyed my friendships, but I can see how lucky I am with the great people I have in my life, I think I've found my specs again 🤓 😂

Apparently there's an article in the local newspaper about my H's company, with photos, my friend who told me about it said she didn't recognise my H 😳. She asked if I wanted to see it, I've umm'ed and ahh'ed and couldn't decide, so she's put it in my sealed post box so I can decide if I want to look at it,  I'm interested in seeing how he looks as I haven't seen him for a year, but I know I stay off social media for a reason, the things we used to class as normal are now a minefield, I haven't collected my mail since Friday, how ridiculous is that ?!?!
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #17 on: September 18, 2017, 06:28:18 PM »
I haven't seen my H for over a year either SHF, I think I'd be really shocked if he looked so much older.  Have a look at the article, it will play on your mind if you don't.  As long as it's about his business and not the OW, it should be ok.  Your friend will be able to guide you, it sounds like his appearance is the isssue here and not the article itself.

It's sad they left us because they felt old and now look 20 years older than when they left.  If they'd stayed and lived a clean life, they would not look any older at all.  Self sabotage at its finest  ::)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #18 on: September 19, 2017, 05:32:12 PM »
Thanks SF, I needed a nudge because I couldn't decide whether to look or not

He is hard to recognise 😳 my friend wasn't exaggerating, it's been a year since I've seen him and he looked older and tired then, but now I understand the 'he looks grey' comments I've heard from other people, it's quite shocking.  I know I'm biased, but he was really handsome, people often said it, he didn't acknowledge the comments, he used to laugh them off, I loved that he didn't realise how handsome he was, but now,.... he just looked like an ordinary oldish, tired, lifeless, no spark guy, but shockingly so much older , wow, just wow

I realise this is just one photo but it was a promotional shot for his business and his colleagues look so much more 'alive' than he does.  He knows how to look good in photos, it's been part of his career for 20 years, but in this group shot he just blends into the grey background

What we learn here is right, the weight of MLC affects every part of them, it's made me a bit ( more ) sad for him.  I'm glad I looked though, it's shown me how much this MLC has altered every part of him

PS.  I've also realised that this photo was taken on what should have been our anniversary, I'm really glad he didn't look fantastic now I've realised that  🤓
« Last Edit: September 19, 2017, 05:38:23 PM by Still Half full »
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #19 on: September 19, 2017, 10:19:52 PM »
It's amazing how old the MLCer can look.  I didn't realize how much my MLCer had changed in the first year, as he was so abusive all the time, my focus was on staying alive rather than looking at him disintegrate.  When a work colleague saw a photo of H & myself with S20 at his graduation (two years ago) she commented "it was nice of S20's grandfather to come along!" Not his grandfather, his father.  I actually looked at him again and saw how old he was looking - me on the other hand..... ;)

Looking at the article doesn't seem to have rattled you too much SHF, funny how time will make us immune to reacting badly when seeing pictures of them (unless OW is in it).

Their eyes are so dead and often dark.  I am told mental health patients when in psychosis have black eyes, it's from the chemical brain imbalance.  They get better as the crisis ends and the chemicals return to a more normal state.

Look at the bright side - you look smoking hot and he looks old, you are definitely the winner ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

 

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