Author Topic: My Story Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic  (Read 3001 times)

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3468
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #20 on: September 19, 2017, 11:51:19 PM »
Gosh, SHF, there are quite a lot of similarities in our sitch. When did this crazy ride start for you?

Like you, although I choose not to snoop much, my STBXH looks fat and grey and much older. Almost unrecognisable actually. Some of it will be lifestyle choices, I guess, and adopting a life from the OW but also a lesson for all of us on how inner chaos shows in the body. Their new 'friends' won't know any different of course but my H's old friends have been shocked and think he's aged ten years in two. It's petty, I know, but the LBS diet is fab and now I've got past the gaunt shock stage, I look ten years younger and a dress size I haven't been in since I was 18!

Are you financially protected? It was a big shock to me when I realised how much money STBXH had spent on cc debt in a year and that he had stolen money from joint accounts and sold off joint investments held in his name. I think MLCers just see everything as 'mine' and also like to control and 'punish' you. I wouldn't have believed some of the things he has done financially and it was distressing to have to accept he was capable of them, but he is/was. Even things that hurt him financially - in fact he is in a terrible mess and post-D will be close to bankruptcy with no home, car and huge debt.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Shocked

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1395
  • Gender: Female
Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #21 on: September 28, 2017, 03:44:04 AM »
Hi SHF, I am proud of you for opening that article and confronting a fear! Well done!!! I have not seen my X in over a year either. The D was handled by attorneys. I recently saw a picture of him on LinkedIn. My looked healthy and handsome. I was surprised I had little feelings for him. In fact I did much like him. I know he's in a large debt but he's still putting in a good show. And I'm still recovering from the trauma of it all. Seeing my fellow LBS show such strength is so encouraging. You sound like your doing good working on your recovery!!!! Keep it going! 🤗
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 302
  • Gender: Female
Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #22 on: September 30, 2017, 10:41:04 AM »
SF - thank you as always for your support, it really does help 😊

People commenting on their aged appearance is bittersweet, isn't it ? I'm glad he isn't looking fantastic, but it does bother me that he looks so different, I don't think he's looking quite as old as a grandad, yet

I didn't realise your MLC H had been abusive, that must be really hard to get over, I knew about him alienating some of your children though, wow, the changes and the damage they can do is mind boggling.  It's a testament to your strength and compassion that you're doing so well, it must be really hard in that situation to not become bitter and resentful. I hope the court appointment is not weighing too heavily on you, you will be fine, you're strong and fair 😊

Hi T - thanks for following 😊 I agree there are some similarities but I think your H has a much more extreme depression than mine, my H is mainly suffering with regret, shame and guilt

Thankfully I found an infidelity site just before BD, thanks to their advice I spoke to a solicitor within days and got myself financially prepared, the week after he left he agreed to put the bank accounts etc into my name only, he must have been feeling very guilty, so he hasn't got access to our savings, for that I'm grateful

He has spent a lot of money, but thankfully it's only from his current earnings, he hasn't asked for any of our savings ... yet. He has contributed to our expenses when I've asked him to, but I think that will change. Also, he encouraged OW to get a job when they were flirting, she was doing everything she could to impress him and started a full time job, and she has divorced her wealthy H, so I think she's probably funding him

I'm dreading him telling me he wants to divorce, I don't want to have to fight for the house my mum left me.  I'm trying to be prepared, but every time there's contact I am bracing myself


Shocked - hi 😊 how are you, I've looked for your thread but am struggling to find it, what's happening with the big move ?

I just wanted to reach into the photo and pull him out, wrap my arms around him and fix him, not my job and not possible, I know, I do understand this is his journey and I have my own to deal with, but it just makes me sad

It was just one photo !! It might have been the best one of everyone else and he just let them use it because of that, but still, if this is a true representation of how he looks now it sad. Carrying the weight of shame, guilt, losing the life you had looks exhausting

I imagine that your H spent a long time looking for a decent profile picture, like Nah tells us a lot of smoke and mirrors, especially online, so you can't really believe that he's happy and healthy from that, we read so often that they age badly during MLC, it's good that it didn't upset you though, you're doing great 😊

Thanks for your replies and comments, it really helps to know that people understand 😊


My news

I've just had my preventative treatment at the hospital and am now forced to rest for a few days, that equals far too much thinking time, but I know this happens every 3 months so am hopefully not going to get too thinky 😊

The only thing I enjoy about these hospital visits is my nurse, she's wonderful and because the treatment takes a bit of time we always have a good chat. She's the only person I know IRL who has experienced MLC, she agrees with what I've learnt here and her H has gone through his own, his escape and avoid has been exercising, he's driven her mad, but it looks like he's coming out the other side now after a few years and they've managed to stay together, but it's not been easy

She met my H a few times before BD and she's can't believe the change in his behaviour. I share what I learn here and it makes sense to her and it's good to be able to talk to someone who understands, I feel like I can tell her anything and she's interested, she says I've helped her understand, it's a bit like a mutual counselling session with injections 😄. She said today that she can understands how MLC behaviour can easily lead to an OW, she is grateful that her H didn't meet someone who shared his excessive exercising 'passion' and even though his changes have driven her bonkers, it's good to see him getting back to normal, it's taken years though


Hider update - well something has changed with H, he hasn't  replied to my recent work emails 😳 there's not really any need for him to, except to be polite and acknowledge he's seen it.  I do the finances for the directors, so I occasionally need to send an email telling them I'm transferring a payment into their personal bank accounts, I always send a group email to all of them and they always reply, either via the group or just to me, so he will have seen the some of the replies even if he missed my emails.  I've worked for these guys for 20 years, so they are my friends as well as colleagues and their replies are friendly and sometimes very amusing, they are nice relationships. In the past H has usually replied just to me with "thanks xxx"

The only thing that has changed is that I asked him to contribute towards our expenses when the last bonus was paid, he initially said he didn't see why he should as I have all our savings, that's when I replied telling him how much he's earned.  He replied telling me I should keep his next bonus, 'to help out' which I did.  I knew at the time that it would shock him ( as we know MLCer's don't think about what they're spending ) but he has always been concerned about saving for our future. I thought him seeing in black and white how much money he's spent, with nothing to show for it, might send him spiralling, I don't know if that's what's happened, but not replying to an email is new behaviour.

He might just be sulking because he gave me his last bonus 😳 ?

With a vanisher / hider you don't know what's going on in their lives so the smallest change in the way they respond to you is very noticeable and gets the mind ticking, but his change of behaviour shows something is happening, even if I haven't got a clue what it is 😄

On a brighter note I've bought one of those small 2 step ladders for the kitchen and it's made me laugh.  I'm fed up of having to scramble up on work surfaces to reach things, it feels like I'm replacing H with these £10 steps because I'm missing his height to reach stuff, can't think of much else he would be useful for at the moment 😂

And, I got peeped at recently 😄 it was as I got out of my car by a man driving past, after checking that my skirt wasn't tucked into my underwear or anything like that 😂  I felt quite chuffed, I think I might have blushed. Oh the simple things that make us smile

« Last Edit: September 30, 2017, 10:42:14 AM by Still Half full »
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3795
  • Gender: Female
Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #23 on: September 30, 2017, 06:22:22 PM »
Nice that your preventative treatment includes the bonus of a very understanding nurse.  Especially one that gets MLC! 

The update on your H certainly seems to indicate that something is going on with him.  The problem is that we see so little of them that it's hard to come to any conclusions about what might be up. 

I would hate to hear that you could/would lose your house.  I can see why you would feel a bit anxious regarding his behavior changes. 

Have any big work events on the horizon?  I know you haven't been attending them but just wondered if you had any coming up that you might decide to go to. 

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4197
  • Gender: Female
Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #24 on: October 02, 2017, 04:55:46 AM »
Hi SHF, glad you are feeling ok.  Laughter out loud at your replacement ladder H, probably better than the current 'actual' H as he has been abducted by aliens ;D

As the crisis goes on, I am sure there is only one way to know what they are thinking - wait until they are out of the tunnel and ask them!  Otherwise it's just guessing and we may be really wrong about their actions.  Think like a teenager and you've probably got the answer.

It's good your H is pretty ok with money, I haven't had a cent out of mine in over three years - money is part of his crisis, having it all that is!

If it ever come to having to divorce, fight for dear life to keep your home, he doesn't get to destroy everything.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 302
  • Gender: Female
Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #25 on: November 07, 2017, 05:53:49 AM »
Not much to report but Stillbaffled said she'd been wondering how I'm doing, so I decided to post, thanks SB, you're a great support 😊

MLCH is either responding to monthly work emails with 'thanks xx' or not replying at all, it makes me chuckle but also makes me cross, I'm a bit of a ball of conflicting emotions at the moment 🙃

I've socialised with SIL and BIL recently, which was lovely.  We met for lunch but suddenly realised it was early evening and we'd spent hours chatting, it was lovely, but as always these meeting affect me and my sleep, but it's worth it 😊

I also spent some time with one of H's business partners this week.  He's a lovely guy but spending time with him has just maked me miss all my colleagues / friends.  This guy is still avoiding OW yay.  We didn't talk much about MLCH but he told me that H's sort of checked out of everything work wise too, that's so strange.  He's also told me that the work events ( the ones that I'm upset that I don't feel like I can attend any more ) have been a bit rubbish this year, lots of problems and not as much fun. I'm sorry for my colleagues but I'm so pleased that they've not been great for OW, she's so desperate to attend every one !!!

So it was a mixed bag, seeing him was lovely, learning the events that I'm missing aren't great was good, hearing OW is still not really accepted by the group was satisfying but ... so sad that I'm missing this huge part of my life.  They are my friends but because H is weak and thoughtless I'm the one who has to take the higher road and avoid the events so there's no awkwardness

But he also said I looked great and it was nice seeing me so well and positive 😊 he laughed when I told him I didn't like H being so depressed and I don't want him to suffer, but I don't want him to be happier than me 😄 he loved my approach

It's a strange feeling, happy to see him and to confirm we're still good friends but really making me miss my old life, I feel the same when I see his family.  The plus side is that the business is making money which is good for me, I still have lots of work and get paid for what I do, and H is making money which I'm legally entitled to a share of, and this will put me in a more secure place financially if we divorce 🤓

But ..... honestly i don't understand how my H can pretend I don't exist, his life sounds a bit rubbish from what I heard from his siblings and business partner, but he's still not doing anything

I read here all the time and continue learning but this MLC stuff is mind boggling, I'm trying to concentrate on me but I still miss my old H

It does hurt that he's still with the OW, she encouraged him to lie and to betray me, I thought it might be easier if he moved on to another one, someone who wasn't involved in ending our M, but recently I've realised that this will only delay his journey, if he gets all the initial infatuation feelings of a new relationship it will give him a temporary boost and will stop him realising that he needs to do something sensible to improve his life

On a more important note, me 😂 I'm having an interview this week and I'm excited 😊 it's only for volunteer work, but it's for the hospice that cared for my mum.  I'm really pleased that I feel well enough to be able to volunteer and it's an amazingly positive place, it's also 10 years this week since I lost my wonderful mum, so it feels quite special.  If I get the job it will mean I get time to regularly interact with people, with working from home I spend far too much time alone and it's a good ( small ) step to get me out and about

So in summary, I'm doing ok, which is good 😊 but still bamboozled by the dramatic change MLC has made to my H
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3795
  • Gender: Female
Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #26 on: November 07, 2017, 06:42:18 PM »

MLCH is either responding to monthly work emails with 'thanks xx' or not replying at all, it makes me chuckle but also makes me cross, I'm a bit of a ball of conflicting emotions at the moment 🙃


I think most of us are there at times.  For me it's part of my new life. 

Thanks for the update, SHF.  I know we often think that we have nothing to post but I find myself looking most nights for news of folks that I feel like I've known for years. 

I, too, am glad that the events you are missing are a bit lackluster right now and the OW isn't enjoying the same level of fun that you always got to participate in. 

Interesting visit with H's business partner.  Thanks for sharing what someone who has the inside scoop on an MLCer sees and observes.  That stuff is always interesting to me.  I never get any closer to figuring anything out but it's still interesting to me. 

And hey......good news on the income that's coming in right now.   :)

Always good to hear from you.  I hope you've kept the rose colored glasses close by!   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 302
  • Gender: Female
Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #27 on: November 08, 2017, 01:39:11 AM »
Lovely to get your reply SB, thank you 😊

The more I hear about H the more I believe that he's in the mindset that he's getting what he deserves, therefore no fight to make things any better.  But I can't assume his life is completely doom and gloom, it can't be all bad with OW if he's still with her

His sister said he'd asked about me for the first time 😳 she said he asked if she saw me and she told him she did occasionally and I was doing ok. He told her that he'd spoken to me ( last May !!! our only conversation in 18 months !!! ) and that I was really nice. He filled up and changed the subject ???!?! 

On the financial side, I'm still keeping meticulous notes on his income, I can't pretend a D might not happen so I need to stay prepared to fight for my home. As I've mentioned he's earned a decent amount, but both his sister and business partner said he says he's always broke, I told them he isn't really contributing, that I am still covering the bills and that he's earned plenty, without going into detail

I don't think he speaks badly about me, but I also think he lets people assume I'm being tough with him financially, which is just not true. So even though I try not to talk about him I do make it clear that I'm not being a b~*>#

I didn't think I'd much to update with, but actually quite a bit has happened when I think about it,  even if it's at a snails pace 😂

And yes, I've always got those rose coloured glasses close to hand 🤓

Thank you😊
« Last Edit: November 08, 2017, 01:40:26 AM by Still Half full »
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 302
  • Gender: Female
Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #28 on: November 17, 2017, 06:31:35 AM »
I don't know ????!!!!!!!

I miss my H and my old life so much, I adored him and was very happy with him, I always said that I didn't know marriage could be so good, I'm sure he felt the same until MLC, I know he loved me, I was his favourite person and our life together was filled with love and laughter

Now, I don't know this man ??!!! A man who lied and betrayed, someone who ran away when his 'mistake' was discovered and left me to deal with everything alone. He took OW to events with 'our' friends within weeks and now says he knows he's 'ruined everything' and is adamant 'it could never be as good again'. Well, no his life won't be good unless he does something !

I don't know if I want him back, but I don't want anyone else and I don't want to spend the rest of my life single, I miss him

Recent contact - one of our cats has been very ill ( there seems to have been a few updates of others having ill pets recently ). He loved our cats as much as I do. It felt like the right thing to tell him, so I did. I carefully worded it ( I also did a pro and con list of contacting him 😄 )  and kept it brief and polite

He replied immediately saying he hoped she's ok and I should take his next bonus to 'help out'.  So I actually did quite well because I was going to ask him for financial contribution the next time his bonus was due, so now I don't have to ask, which is good.  I'd prepared myself that he might not reply or might not care, so his response was better than I expected, but it's set off the monkey braining again, I don't understand this man !!!!!

Sorry, I'm just ranting, but no-one else understands, I don't talk about him often and when people tell me stuff it's usually that he's changed and he's depressed, I don't want him to be in a bad way, but I can't do anything and I'm frustrated and sad
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline 1trouble

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1749
  • Gender: Female
Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #29 on: November 17, 2017, 11:06:08 AM »
SHF

Your post really resonated with me
I don't know ????!!!!!!!

I miss my H and my old life so much, I adored him and was very happy with him, I always said that I didn't know marriage could be so good, I'm sure he felt the same until MLC, I know he loved me, I was his favourite person and our life together was filled with love and laughter

Now, I don't know this man ??!!!
I don't know if I want him back, but I don't want anyone else and I don't want to spend the rest of my life single, I miss him


Sorry, I'm just ranting, but no-one else understands, I don't talk about him often and when people tell me stuff it's usually that he's changed and he's depressed, I don't want him to be in a bad way, but I can't do anything and I'm frustrated and sad

 :'(

I am about to go out and I am having to really really make myself go because such a big part of me just wants to stay in,but I know I must go....
I know that H is very depressed, everything seems a chore to him and he is so stuck....he is depressed consumed with guilt and shame and so lost yet, I cannot do anything to help him.....its got to come from him and yet like your H I think he feels he doesn't deserve anything from me.....
So I must live my life and that means make myself go out and try to have some fun.......fun use to be easy to have with H :'(

We will get through this SHF and we are the lucky ones because we have known real love xx
« Last Edit: November 17, 2017, 11:08:13 AM by 1trouble »
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer
The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.