Author Topic: My Story Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic  (Read 3329 times)

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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My Story Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #70 on: February 13, 2018, 01:41:27 PM »
Thanks Schratz, Up and Savvy, you all settled my mind that I hadn't done something that could backfire 😊 I am still pleased that I sent the email, it felt like the authentic me, but it also helps when people who understand the complexities of MLC give you their support and  I needed a reminder that he's depressed Savvy, and thanks for the birthday wishes, I did enjoy the whole weekend 😊


I feel a bit lost at the moment, I'm aware it's a dip, but I'm a bit weepy ( which I haven't been for ages ) and can't seem to lift myself out of this funk

As always I've been reading here and the other day found a link on how to get over a broken heart, it was a Ted Talk and said to list all the negatives about your "ex".  I did that and even went on to list all the ways that I think I'm doing better than MLCH and it felt great, for a couple of hours, since then I just can't stop thinking about how sad it is that we're separated and how much I miss him

Maybe getting the nice reply to my email has also affected me. It seems like such a waste that we both still care about each other but he's not strong enough to do anything. I feel like I've let him know I'm not bitter and he even said that most people hate each other when they separate but he could never hate me. I don't feel like I can do anymore, but I'm so sad

There's a huge thing starting with his work, it's the best part of his job and it will probably be busy and fun for the rest of the year. We've gone through a few of these big events throughout the years and now I can't be involved ( except for the boring paperwork from home. Rose coloured specs time - at least I will have lots of work and will earn more 🤓 ) but it's sad to be on the sidelines and not be involved, I'm avoiding all social media so I don't hear about anything I'm missing

ow will make sure she's involved ( unless H wakes up and ends things with her ). His work is why she contacted him via Fakebook in the first place, she admired his work 🙄 so this is exactly what she wanted, and I'm certain she'll be doing everything she can to be involved. 

Bit of backstory - When I asked him soon after BD if ow could not attend an event so that I could go, he told me that she cries if he doesn't let her go 🙄 !! So as predicted he takes the easiest route and lets her attend, so I don't. It's not fair to our colleagues if I go, ( I tried it once and it was awful, I lost my cool and ended up leaving in tears 😔 H said that was one of the worst days of his life, so I don't want to go through that again, even though I'm stronger now, I know it won't end well, so I'm staying away while ow is around )  We are a close knit group and I know it would make the colleagues uncomfortable ( Rose coloured specs time again 🤓 I know that they all like me and miss me, they keep in contact and most of them dislike ow, but it's not up to them to get involved ) I think H is aware she's not liked, but it's easier for him not to think about anyone else

So I'm sad and disappointed, like so many of us, I know this isn't my real H.  I know that ow is not who he wants, but maybe what he think he deserves ?  I've heard from so many that he's depressed and they argue a lot, but that doesn't change the fact that he doesn't do anything about it, I think he's still with her and that is so frustrating

I don't know if we will ever be in a place where we can be together again and I hope I'm not waiting for him to try to come back, I just seem to be struggling with the 'this is my new life' bit, it's a bit lonely and I miss sharing my life with him

I am trying with GAL, I'm enjoying the volunteering, meeting lovely people there and I can see there are going to be possibilities to improve my social life through these lovely people, I'm going to pilates, I'm keeping up with the house and pleased with the standard of work I'm achieving, it's just that all my friends have such busy lives, and me and H always did everything together ( maybe that wasn't healthy, but we both liked living like that )

I want him to wake up and see that his life could improve if he was  a bit braver, but I know there nothing I can do and I'm fed up of being disappointed and frustrated

Has anyone got any advice to help me get out of this funk ?
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #71 on: February 13, 2018, 04:42:28 PM »
Sorry about the funk SHF but sometimes I feel better after a funk time as it seems to help me progress through all of this.  It's possible the feelings we have during this are actually pushing us on to something better.

I usually find getting out with friends to break the monkey braining helps as wallowing in self pity is rather destructive.

I feel a bit the same as you at the moment, all the legal stuff from last year has taken its toll.

We need to be kind to ourselves and not too harsh when we are having a bad time.  We are all here for you and understand.  I don't know how I will ever really accept that my once lovely husband is no longer lovely at all.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #72 on: February 13, 2018, 07:00:54 PM »

Has anyone got any advice to help me get out of this funk ?


Buy a Harley?!   ;)

Good to have an update from you SHF.  It sounds like you are doing what you can to continue to move forward with your healing.  I think it just takes as long as it takes.   

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #73 on: February 14, 2018, 11:38:27 AM »
Still, I am sorry you're in the funk and I wish I would have anything helpful to say how to get out of it. Been in the funk myself for a couple of months now and have no idea how to crawl back out. Like you I do GAL and do stuff, but nothing fills the big hole my H left in my life. I just miss him and sharing things with him and talking with him.
And yes, it is such a waste that the two of you clearly care about each other, but that your H can't get his head out of his ar$se and do something about it.

Ugh - all I can do is send you a big Cyber Hug - Let's hope we both can crawl out of this funk soon
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Shocked

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #74 on: February 15, 2018, 07:18:25 PM »
Hey SHF! I’m hoping your funk is fading. We all go in waves of good days and bad. I hope your good days are happening more often than your bad. We have be permanently altered. Be kind to your yourself. You are trying to get better but it won’t happen quickly. The thing to remember is youare still trying!!! My current mantra is keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m bound to get somewhere better. I hope that works for you too. Sending a big hug!!!🤗
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #75 on: February 18, 2018, 08:10:01 AM »
Thanks so much for the hugs and supportive words, they definitely help and I'm very grateful

Funk has eased a bit, thankfully 😊 I think one of the best things I did was to volunteer at the hospice, I did two shifts last week and it's really good for me. Having to put my face on ( being able to work from home is a blessing health wise, but I do spend far too much time alone and  the cats don't seem to mind me make up free 😊 ) mixing with lovely kind people and being compassionate to visitors at the hospice does me good, I like to feel as though I'm being a bit useful, it's a wonderful place and I feel blessed that mum was looked after there, it gives me a lot of comfort.  I even attended a pilates class there, they set up a lot of things for the wellbeing of both staff and volunteers, and we can buy delicious, discount price food made by the chefs, so I  leave with something nice to eat too

Counting blessings works quite well for me but I really do need to improve my social life, I think this would help with the funks. My friends are lovely, but all very busy. They would make time for me if I 'needed' them, but because I don't want to bother them I give the impression I'm doing fine. No-one IRL understands how devastating this is, and I'm glad, I don't want anyone to go through this, but I think they feel a coffee or a night out would be nice when they have time, I don't think they realise how much this would help me and I hate to feel like I'm bothering them. So as a result I spend too much time alone

I think the hospice will help, there are lots of events that I can volunteer to help at and I think that will snowball, but it will be a slow and steady pace

Savvy
Quote
We need to be kind to ourselves and not too harsh when we are having a bad time.  We are all here for you and understand.  I don't know how I will ever really accept that my once lovely husband is no longer lovely at all.

Thank you, this helps loads and I struggle to believe my lovely H has done all this and has run away 😳. I want to send him a spine as he's obviously lost his somewhere 😂

SB - getting a Harley 😂 I think a quad bike would be more appealing but I'm sick of making sure everything in the house works, I don't think I can be bothered with anything else that would need maintaining  ( and I've no interest in riding 😄 other than hearing how much you enjoy it 😄 ).  I've looked at meet ups but nothing is appealing, yet, maybe something I should keep thinking about though

Schratz
Quote
Like you I do GAL and do stuff, but nothing fills the big hole my H left in my life. I just miss him and sharing things with him and talking with him

This is the biggest thing, I miss him

Shocked
Quote
Be kind to your yourself. You are trying to get better but it won’t happen quickly.

I needed to be reminded of this, I feel guilty when I feel low, so that makes me feel worse, I have to remember I am getting better and I'm doing ok after such a life changing event 😊

Thanks everyone, you always make me feel better. I hope you've been able to enjoy the weekend and here's hoping everyone has a great week 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Online Treasur

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #76 on: February 18, 2018, 11:22:42 AM »
Having to put my face on ( being able to work from home is a blessing health wise, but I do spend far too much time alone and  the cats don't seem to mind me make up free 😊 )

Same for me, SHF...but you've given me a prod

No-one IRL understands how devastating this is, and I'm glad, I don't want anyone to go through this, but I think they feel a coffee or a night out would be nice when they have time, I don't think they realise how much this would help me and I hate to feel like I'm bothering them. So as a result I spend too much time alone

Completely agree...and some of my chums were just worn out by the super-weird drama and my grief in the first year. To be honest though, some of my isolation is also because I curled in on myself like a wounded animal for a long time, so no-one's responsibility but mine really. I guess new RL folks also won't know about the past or feel obliged to ask...which means I won't get 'suckered' into banging on about it either!
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #77 on: June 08, 2018, 05:47:14 AM »
It's been a strange week for me, I've seen inlaws and also spotted hiding MLCH for the first time in nearly 2 years

Seeing in laws is bittersweet 😔 so nice and normal to have contact with them but there's an elephant in the room as MLCH is not normally discussed and avoiding talking about him feels weird

When I met MIL and told her I thought I saw H the other day, I only spotted him driving past but it had made me feel strange.  Anyway, MIL confirmed it was him, I asked if he was ok and then the conversations that we've been avoiding for the past few years happened

It's unsettled me but I think I'm pleased that I've been able to talk about my view of things, I didn't say anything negative about him but when MIL was negative about ow I added fuel to that one 😄 and I don't care ( much 😄 )

All week, since I saw him my brain has been swirling and I don't understand, even though I do ??!! H is laying in the bed he made, I got another confirmation from his mum that they argue all the time and ow refuses to let him out of her sight, is jealous and they don't show affection ( phew ) but I know no one who cares about me is going to tell me they think she's lovely, MIL appears sad about our separation, but pleased to see me

I guess I've got to accept seeing inlaws will always be bittersweet, I thought they were my family, but they're H's family and I'm just someone they care about but will never be their priority. I try to end things on a happy note, leave with hugs and smiles

So it had unsettled me a bit and then a few days later a package arrived in H's name. I've always opened all the post as he hasn't changed anything, but I just deal with it as if it's addressed to me and H knows that. A package was a bit unusual but I opened it and it was his prescription medication, which was strange

I thought carefully and then sent a very basic but pleasant message to him today, I consciously decided not to offer a fix ( I know that's what I would normally do ) and decided to see how he wanted to deal with it. He replied that it was supposed to have been delivered to his parents, no fix. So I replied it wasn't a problem. He's replied that it's not urgent, still no fix !!!!! So I'm trying really hard to not do anything, I'd happily drop it off with his parents, but I think he needs to ask ( I don't think he knows I've been seeing his parents, they say he refuses to talk about me in any way, if my name is mentioned he puts his hand up, head down and apparently looks upset 😳 ) or he can ask to come to collect it

Am I being petty or is this something that I should do, let him take responsibility to find a solution ?

The added complication is that his mum told me he is going on holiday with ow. That stung a bit but I calmed down and reminded myself he's in a relationship with her and that's what people do. But I know he'll be feeling guilty about it and I think needing his medication for his holiday and it being sent to me will just add another layer of guilt

I'm trying not to let the monkey get too tight a hold of my brain, but I feel unsettled, I know that I'm able to cope, I'm doing ok but am sad and miss my old life, but also know that my life will never be so easy going again, no matter what happens, his MLC has changed me and it's up to me to deal with it, but it's not easy, especially when something different happens, like it has this week

Thanks for being a safe place where I can admit my feelings and confusion 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #78 on: June 08, 2018, 06:38:21 AM »

Am I being petty or is this something that I should do, let him take responsibility to find a solution ?

In my opinion you have been very gracious about the package by letting him know it arrived.  It's now up to him to figure out how to get it.  I would not offer to drop it off.  I'm guessing he might ask his mother to come over and pick it up. Whatever he does, it's his responsibility to retrieve it.  Occasionally I still get mail for my MLCer.  I never contacted him about it but would drop it back at the local post office and let them deal with it.  I never knew if he got it or not.  Maybe they just threw it away.   After year two ended I told myself I was not his secretary any longer.  It goes in my garbage now (well, truth be told, I do open some of the stuff if it looks interesting!  ;))


Good to hear from you, SHF. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Tyks

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #79 on: June 08, 2018, 07:11:38 AM »


I'm trying not to let the monkey get too tight a hold of my brain, but I feel unsettled, I know that I'm able to cope, I'm doing ok but am sad and miss my old life, but also know that my life will never be so easy going again, no matter what happens, his MLC has changed me and it's up to me to deal with it, but it's not easy, especially when something different happens, like it has this week

Thanks for being a safe place where I can admit my feelings and confusion 😊

This is probably the hardest thing to do, even after such a length of time.  I agree with SB about the package :)
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

 

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