Author Topic: My Story Breaking a Mold- My Story  (Read 5317 times)

Offline TryinSoulTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 216
  • Gender: Male
My Story Re: Breaking a Mold- My Story
« Reply #70 on: November 24, 2018, 08:11:06 PM »
Hi Thunder. 

They do come less and less.  What I have appreciated with the passing of time is they seem to not tear through my heart.  They just sort of slap me.

Hi Faith.

Yes I plan to update my story and continue to follow the stories of others until the Chapter is closed (if it ever will be).  I’m not much into commentating my life but I do like to document changes so I can see where I have come from.

H&F,

I’m glad my words were able to help a bit.  It can be difficult to sort through so many feelings, especially when they seem to contradict each other.

Welcome Megogirl,

For me, its beyond libido.  My pre BD personality was like going through life with a cover over my feelings.  Since then, it’s been the opposite.  I believe that all that makes up intimacy will feel like nothing I have felt before.  Just conversations feel deeper and more intimate than anything pre BD.  It’s those thoughts of what is to come that entices me.

- So I mentioned previously she was talking as though she may be close to rebirth.  It was just talk.  It took me this week to realize she is still running, still extremely selfish.  An incident occurred over the last day and into today, that confirmed it. 
Metaphorically...  my son reached out his hand to her, basically begging her to reach out to it and she told him she had held it before, Dad will hold your hand...  A four year old.  I have been mad for 24 hours.  For the first time in three years, I don’t want her to spend time with us.  I just want her to disappear until the self centered teenager is gone.

 I took his hand and lifted him above this ground that she has soaked with $hit until he forgot about what isn’t here and found joy with what is. 

As badly as I felt for him, it really propelled me to stop looking back, stop trying to keep throwing water on these bridges she continues to burn and just let them go up.  She can isolate herself and I will lead us away.  It’s too much for me to overcome.  The marriage... we all have learned that one person cannot hold it together with the other destroying it.  I have gone above and beyond to try to help her keep a strong bond with our son.  It’s enabling.

My hope was she would not have such a deep pit of ashes to sort through when she woke up.  I was foolish to believe I had such power.  She will be this way until it’s all destroyed.  I tried living as though she isn’t coming back.  I feel I have to live as though she doesn’t exist.  She really doesn’t exist...

Tryin
All that counts, is what comes next.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 21663
  • Gender: Female
Re: Breaking a Mold- My Story
« Reply #71 on: November 25, 2018, 08:06:54 AM »
I'm sorry Tryin' but you're right. she does not exist at the moment.

Your old M and W are dead.

The only way for you to go is forward with your son and your life.
These alien beings have no regard or anyone but themselves.

She may stay in this crisis for a long time.  If and when she ever comes out of this, you may have a choice to make.  She may want back in the family and at that point it will be your decision to make.

Sometimes they wait too long and the LBS has moved on and it's too late for them, but that's the chance they take.

Say strong, Tryin'.  You're doing a good job with your son.
He is very blessed to have one sane, loving parent.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline TryinSoulTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 216
  • Gender: Male
Re: Breaking a Mold- My Story
« Reply #72 on: November 25, 2018, 06:32:18 PM »
Thank you Thunder.  Lots of sledding and snowmen the next few months will be good medicine for me. 

Until Spring! 

Tryin
All that counts, is what comes next.

Offline megogirl

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1958
  • Gender: Female
  • "You must do the thing you think you can not do."
Re: Breaking a Mold- My Story
« Reply #73 on: November 25, 2018, 06:44:08 PM »
my son reached out his hand to her, basically begging her to reach out to it and she told him she had held it before, Dad will hold your hand...  A four year old

OMG this is absolutely gut-wrenching.

I am like you, dealing with a S and an MLCer, but my son was 13 at BD so (a tad) less gut-wrenching.

Keep the faith.  I am *determined* to not let an MLC destroy my family, nor to define us. 

Offline TryinSoulTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 216
  • Gender: Male
Re: Breaking a Mold- My Story
« Reply #74 on: February 11, 2019, 09:05:45 PM »
Hello Everyone,

I’m back ahead of schedule for an update (that can’t be good). 

I want to start by mentioning that despite my opening a discussion on living as if by questioning my path forward, I still am not dating.  I am becoming more open to the idea, but I don’t feel ready. 

I miss the companionship, I miss having a partner and I miss a few other things that tend to go with a relationship.  I have dated before I was married (granted I was only firing on about half my cylinders until about a year ago) and I dated then I married.  I have a good idea of what it feels like, what comes with it, how to be a better partner than I ever was before.

What I haven’t done is raise my son to first grade, see him have a first girlfriend, teach him to drive when not on my lap and so much more. 

I realize I could have both.  I could have someone and have all those moments with my son.  The fact is there is this asterisk.  It’s time.  There is only so much time to give.  If I have a day, I will choose my son.  When he is with X, I switch that time to me.  I don’t feel relationships are made to switch off and on like that and right now, that is what I feel I would be doing. 

I feel right now, my son needs all the time I can give him.  He needs Dad+.  That’s just the nature of this crisis. 

It’s getting late, so I am planning on providing an update tomorrow evening.

Spoiler Alert- OM2 has arrived on scene and already met my son.  I found out in hindsight of course.  Coincidently (mhmm) it happened around the same time as X bringing up a set schedule for our son.  Can I even call him OM2 since we are divorced?  I’m going to anyway or it would be crazy confusing.  I found out tonight, so I’m still processing. 

More to come,
Tryin
All that counts, is what comes next.

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2314
  • Gender: Female
Re: Breaking a Mold- My Story
« Reply #75 on: February 11, 2019, 09:47:31 PM »
Hey Tryin.  I think of my MLCers GF after the divorce as OW2.  I feel it has something to do with our marriage vows and the fact that I'm still alive so he wasn't really free to move on, lol.

You sound like you are in a good place mentally.  No use in trying to date if you aren't ready for it.  I think when the time comes, you will know.   :)
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7893
  • Gender: Female
Re: Breaking a Mold- My Story
« Reply #76 on: February 11, 2019, 11:54:05 PM »
As others say, and I think you feel, the best you can do is trust your own instincts about where you are and what is right for you.

Long after some of us accept that our marriage can't be saved, I do think there is a residual bit of us that keeps fighting the tide bc we just can't believe that the person we knew is so far from reach. So, we accept tough realities but keep throwing small offerings towards them...each time with a little bit of hope that they will respond in a more constructive way, that they have what they want and will now start to behave a little better as parents or people. Usually, for quite a long time, this isn't what we get back and we just get tired of spitting into the wind eventually.

Your description of the incident with your son is heart-rending, of course it is. And your learning from it is to go a level deeper into accepting the current reality of your xw and digging deeper into how you can be the best Tryin and the best father you can be. Which is healthy and likely to bear better fruit than any hope of a change in your xw, so I congratulate you for your courage in seeing that and being determined to put your son first. When you get to a point when you are ready to add new people into your life, you'll know.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline TryinSoulTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 216
  • Gender: Male
Re: Breaking a Mold- My Story
« Reply #77 on: February 12, 2019, 05:10:59 AM »
Thank you FW.  I definitely needed a bit of a chuckle and an MLC (in)sanity check. 

Treasur- Thank you.  That makes a lot of sense.  Whatever strength/courage she had brewing, disappeared just after Christmas.

Thank you both for following along.

So after my last post in November, the X did split with OM.  She moved into a place using the money OM paid her, sort of buying her out of their shared trailer.  My son took this very hard.  OM was the more stable of the two, so my son relied on him heavily when he was staying at his mom’s.  He still cries about it.  I am grateful that I have been given the strength and patience to help him through it. 

The move out was dragging on and I will admit I finally pushed it to an end.  I wanted my son to be able to start his new Chapter, I wanted the OM gone.  It was nothing dramatic, I just helped with the move the last week.  Since that time, son has stayed with me every night except 4.  So almost 3 months straight.  It was until two weeks ago, the X began pushing for a set schedule.  I could tell it was a selfish ploy.  She is irritated when he’s with her for too long, irritated when he’s away too long.  Script, it seems, for too many once beautiful people we used to know. 

So we are working towards that.  It would still give me more time than the decree allows and frankly, I’m worn out by the back and forth that comes from her constant search for external fixes. I am a big believer in propelling/allowing someone to use up all their excuses. 

In these last three months, I was told I was projecting while being projected at.  She was gaslighting me.  I responded by saying she has her perspective, I have mine, the actual truth is likely somewhere in the middle.  She then accused me of gaslighting.  In both cases, she used the actual terms. 

What now I believe was about the timing of when she began dating OM2, she told me she no longer had any interest in ever reconciling.  This was the first time she has ever voiced this.  She gave a completely fabricated reason and also one that proved to me she was deep into replay again.  The pot calling the kettle back wouldn’t give this reason justice.

I immediately stepped back.  I began making choices that were solely based on the needs of my son and I.  After a bit of time to process and regain my internal composure, I told her she had until the beginning of summer to remove all of her belongings from my house.  (She has leftover from the move out of here and now leftover from move away from OM.  She also uses a room at my house for her business).  She took it well and I was fairly certain she thought at the time I would likely not follow through.  As we know with MLCers, time is not relevant.  So a future timeline doesn’t exist and the beginning of summer will never arrive.

I took another step back, all the while remaining friendly and calm.  Then last night, my son mentioned someone may stay the night.  I thought he was talking about his friend.  He was talking of OM2.  I was a bit blindsided as I knew she was likely dating, but I had hoped it would be casual and definitely not put our son into that position again.

When she moved away from OM, I told her I would support her as a good friend would.  The only condition was to not bring another man into our sons life.  I told her if that happened, I would no longer be here for her.  I told her I could not remain that close, while seeing it all unfold again.  That was my boundary and I haven’t set many over the last three years.  She was not happy when I set it and she was not happy when I began enforcing it last night.  Semantics, gaslighting, sarcasm, I got a bit of everything.  I restated my boundary, stated she breeched it, why the boundary was important and the consequences of crossing it.   

I imagine it is going to be bumpy for awhile.  The friendship and love I have shown her, is better used on myself and my son. He will need me and I will make sure I’m at full strength for him. 

I would like to express my feelings regarding the situation and how it’s played out.  It’s an important part of my process and making sure I’m honest with myself. 

I’ll be back shortly.  Thank you all for reading my story and supporting me.

Tryin
All that counts, is what comes next.

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8865
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Breaking a Mold- My Story
« Reply #78 on: February 12, 2019, 05:36:04 AM »
Tryin,

Her projection and gaslighting is when the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way." comes in real handy... You heard her but you are not accepting it as your responsibility.

As far as enforcing your boundary goes, of course she is angry... She shouldn't have to feel any consequences for her actions as she is not responsible for them (in her fogged up mind).....

Mean old Mr. Tryin is being a big meanie and giving her consequences.... Well, that IS the way the grown-up world works toots!

All I can say is hold fast to your S and to your convictions, especially where he is concerned...

Friendship and love though? Wasted on the Mid-Lifer in Replay... the only thing that seems to penetrate the fog are the setting and enforcing of boundaries....

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 21663
  • Gender: Female
Re: Breaking a Mold- My Story
« Reply #79 on: February 12, 2019, 05:41:33 AM »
Tryin,

Good for you putting boundaries in place and sticking to the consequences for crossing them.
Just like willful teenagers they need these consequences.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.