Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Chapter 5  (Read 4974 times)

Offline MadeTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Chapter 5
« on: September 03, 2017, 07:14:03 AM »
She has lung cancer. We are not sure of the type until surgery which is scheduled for Sept. 12th where they will remove her right lower lobe. They caught it early so we don't know what life will be like afterwards except they are not planning chemo or radiation until the results come back. From what I read the survival rate ranges from 31 % - 95% depending on the type.

MLC, BD, EA, PA, affairs, none of it matters anymore.

We celebrated our 22nd anniversary yesterday by going to see a band we fell in love with together 24 years ago. She is affectionate, loving, kind and more herself than she has been in 7 years. She occasionally sleeps with me in our marital bed, she hugs and kisses me often, we say I love you often.

I will keep you updated as we know more. Please pray for her and her medical team


http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9135.0
« Last Edit: January 16, 2018, 07:24:06 AM by OldPilot »
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2017, 07:34:57 AM »
I'll be praying for both of you.

It's funny how something like this really puts things in perspective.  MLC, and everything else, takes a back seat now.

I'm glad you are together.  You'll both get through this, Made.

Hugs to you and your family!
Looking forward to good updates.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2017, 07:48:39 AM »
You are both in my prayers
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline rosecoloredglasses

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2017, 07:51:41 AM »
Made,

It absolutely made my day to see your purple icon.  I am sorry to hear about the diagnosis and am keeping you and your W in my prayers.  Please keep us updated.  Your enduring love for your W is an inspiration.
M-45
H-54
D-13
S-10
D-6

Offline Whyus

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2017, 02:18:47 AM »
Made,

It absolutely made my day to see your purple icon.  I am sorry to hear about the diagnosis and am keeping you and your W in my prayers.  Please keep us updated.  Your enduring love for your W is an inspiration.

Nothing more to say than what Rose said Made... all the best to you both
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #5 on: September 04, 2017, 08:53:08 AM »
Prayers for You, Your Wife, Your Family and Her Team.  May God Bless you all with peace, strength and Healing.

You Stay Strong Made...They will all be looking to you.  You Got This.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline Superman

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2017, 08:01:03 PM »
Made--

My friend....We never know what will be the catalyst to change...as difficult as hearing this maybe (diagnosis)...it may just turn out to be the blessing in disguise. Keep on truckin....Your friends here are praying for you and here to support you as you go.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #7 on: September 04, 2017, 08:33:06 PM »
I am so sorry about the diagnosis. No, none of it matters anymore. All that is left is the present, one day at a time. No point in borrowing more trouble before it gets here. Perhaps it won't.

The past several years has given you practice to be the stanchion. Take care of yourself first, so you can take care of her. You lessons learned will help get you through. Your family is in my thoughts, now and always.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Watcher

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2017, 09:10:15 AM »
My prayers are with you and your wife Made.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2017, 03:54:03 PM »
I am sorry to hear about your wife, Made.

My thoughts are with the two of you.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #10 on: September 08, 2017, 04:45:07 PM »
Prayers for both of you. And happy you have each other during this trying time.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2017, 12:42:19 PM »
She had the surgery and it was successful. Most of the recovery is going well although it is a tough day today in the hospital. They missed her pain meds in the middle of the night so she is having a tough time catching up. One thing - NONE of her family called the day before her surgery, not one. Multiple members of MY family called. Her parents went away and were not reading their emails while they were away and their daughter was getting part of her lung removed so that she could survive lung cancer and her parents did not looked at their email. What the firetruck is wrong with those people. To make matters worse her nephews common law wife came into my business and chit chatted as nothing was happening and she had been here all week. Not a card no flowers, nothing. I am furious with her family but not letting it show to her yet I know she is more than hurt. She is changed.

I am grateful to God, the medical team and for all the prayers. She should come home either tomorrow or Monday.

Peace
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2017, 05:11:15 PM »
This right here tells you why your wife ended up in MLC. People who are emotionally neglected have no reference for how to act when the going gets tough, or weird, or their brain gets fuzzy. Normal people lean into each other when things get hard. MLC people want to cut and run, because no one was there for them as children, they have no reference for how to be there for others.

Wishes for a speedy recovery, and good prognosis. You are incredible, Made.

How are you and the kids doing? I know they are adults, but it's hard watching a parent go through these things.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #13 on: September 17, 2017, 03:54:30 PM »
I am glad to know your wife's surgery went well. Made.

Second what Offroad wrote.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline rosecoloredglasses

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #14 on: September 17, 2017, 04:27:18 PM »
Glad the surgery went well.  Sorry to hear about the relatives not being supportive.  That is disappointing but I agree with OR, too. 

M-45
H-54
D-13
S-10
D-6

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #15 on: September 17, 2017, 10:20:44 PM »
Thanks everyone, I appreciate your posts. OR is totally right my family keeps reaching out to my wife in sincere empathy and she has a difficult time accepting it because her family are such @$$holes. I mean the woman has lung cancer and her mother emails "tell D53 that we are with her all the way" no love mom nothing. SAD Meanwhile she has been vacaying it while her daughter lies in a hospital bed SICK. If her other daughter (the golden one) had this circumstance she would be bedside every minute of every day and my wife knows that too. That is pretty hard to take.  Yes so no wonder MLC presents itself at age 50.

The last 48 hours she has been withdrawing from all the chemistry they have been giving her for pain and its been pretty bad. I think she is over the worst of it now and while she still has a pneumo-thorax the specialist feels after confirmation of an x-ray tomorrow she can come home. I know that hospital and the ward like the back of my hand, gratefully our staff has been holding our business together with only a minimum input from me.

My D21 started school (again for the 1st time since high school) the same day her Mom went for surgery so she has had a challenging week (it seems like 3). She is holding up really well considering she has depression and anxiety disorders. The same day as her Mom's surgery she found out her almost mother-in-law has been diagnosed with colon cancer.  A tough week for sure.

S20 is having a more difficult time as we are in the same hospital where he also most died two years ago. My W and I think PTSD is showing up as he having a tough time focusing and sleeping. Hard to see his Mom go through similiar recovery as he did. He did say they will have to get the same tattoos now that they are chest tube buddies so I suppose some humour is good. He has been out late every night with new friends (we are grateful for the friends but not the hours) .

Me: I am strong and as someone here said have been getting prepared for this the last 3.5 years. Its been a hard 3.5 years I have to tell you. MLC, my sons health, my daughters health, my health and now my wifes health and cancer to boot.

However I know God loves us and He loves you too.
Peace,
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #16 on: September 18, 2017, 09:12:44 AM »
Amen Brother...

Hang in there and Stay Strong.  You are the right man for this job!
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #17 on: September 18, 2017, 09:18:47 AM »
Sending prayers and strength for all of you Made!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #18 on: September 19, 2017, 01:29:09 PM »
we are home after a little scare about a pneumothorax
she called her Mom yesterday to tell her the hospital stay was again extended, her Mom did not ask her how she was or how the recovery was going, just talked about her vacay and the weather. My wife actually asked "do you have any questions for me?" crickets...

then she blamed me for suggesting that I call them, then blamed my mother for wanting to visit - at least I know where its coming from now.

She is home safe and sound and hopefully will fully recover quickly. Thanks for you prayers and encouragement
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #19 on: September 19, 2017, 01:47:58 PM »
Grrr...with a mother like that you don't need an enemy.  My goodness she is cold potato.
Was her mother like that, too?

Sending lots of prayers for your whole family.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #20 on: September 19, 2017, 02:04:49 PM »
I asked that but my wife never knew her, she gives the excuse of growing up in the war years and you just get on with it but that is lame and bull$h!te IMO and like my wife said she was more upset about the golden sisters dog getting sick...
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline rosecoloredglasses

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #21 on: September 19, 2017, 02:30:30 PM »
That's just terrible.  Also that there is a "golden sister". Your poor W.  So glad she is home now!  Maybe avoiding her family wouldn't be a bad idea.
M-45
H-54
D-13
S-10
D-6

Offline Anjae

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #22 on: September 19, 2017, 05:32:38 PM »
Glad to know your wife is home, Made.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #23 on: September 19, 2017, 09:47:44 PM »
Thanks Rose, Anjae
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #24 on: September 24, 2017, 01:02:29 AM »
I am glad your wife is home. I don't understand some people, but since I have a similar mother to your W, I at least know exactly what you are talking about and know something of how your wife must feel. Staying home so her dog wouldn't be alone was more important to my mother than helping my then 11 year old son find out what had happened to his sister and I one evening when we were four hours overdue ( I had no cell phone at the time, and D and I were stuck in dead stopped traffic due to a fatal injury crash ahead of us).

You W may be better off not calling her family.. But again, I'm not a "you have to love your family because they are family"  kind of person. 

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter Five
« Reply #25 on: October 14, 2017, 06:24:28 AM »
We are three and 1/2 weeks out and while she had a set back a week ago she is progressing well. The cancer is rare but the surgeon believes she got it all and that it has not spread and should not spread. She will follow her for the next 5 years to make sure. Great news! Thank God. Her family is finally seeing the degree of seriousness in this matter but it has been an eye opener how much they don't actually give a $h!te about her. Her parents have gone from meh to lukewarm. Her brother phoned last night, the 1st contact since her diagnosis in August! My W is very very hurt and since she holds a brutal grudge....

When we learned she was cancer free her affection towards me has dropped off dramatically. We are back to being "platonic life partners". I am accepting this as my cross to bear until I die because I will not leave. I will find happiness in this life and make the best of it I can. I have been doing all the parenting, cooking, cleaning, shopping and my usual outside house work, plus our business so some days I am pretty wiped out. This is to be expected and not complaining in fact I have been glad to do it. She is my wife after all. She is coming around and will soon take up some of the usual in house work. She does not think she will go back to her part time job which she insisted on getting after 10 year of complaining I was holding her back and in the usual MLC case telling me I was controlling her by not letting her work (not true of course) but the grass is always greener, right?

My kids are continuing to learn how to be adults and it is a struggle sometimes to stay patient, however my D21 is back in school taking art in university and for the most part doing well. My S20 is struggling to be social but is trying. He plays soccer 5 times a week, works about 25 hours a week and play video games most of the rest of the time. Both of them have terrible eating and sleeping habits but realistically so did I at that age. D21 has a problem with drinking as she binge drinks about 3 times a month and puts herself in high risk situations. Both of them do not take drugs. They are both beautiful people inside and I pray that the world does not defeat them or that our marriage is not their blueprint.

I cut my beard back dramatically and I no longer look like a wild cross-fitter more like a mature cross-fitter. Think the most recent King Arthur movie beard. I am in the best shape of my life, my body is like a 25 year old, too bad the face is a 59 year old. I had 2 twenty somethings hit on me in the last couple of weeks which has been flattering and the timing is curious but am not interested, of course. I see myself in a positive light most of the time. Exercise is a necessity.

Business is good, I have an excellent staff who have really stepped up in my absence the last 3 weeks.

I do thank God for all the things in my life - good and bad, have faith that His plan for me is true and what I need.

Peace

But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Watcher

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #26 on: October 15, 2017, 09:46:10 AM »
I do like your outlook Made. That was a very positive post and it sounds like you are doing great.

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #27 on: October 15, 2017, 05:04:58 PM »
Stay Strong Made...lots of ups & downs in your worlds lately.  She has a lot to process...including all her "Family" issues.  Give her time & space...and just keep doing your thing. 

You got this my friend. 

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #28 on: October 17, 2017, 07:44:32 AM »
thanks fellas,

last night she made a remarkable revelation. She told me that she has said some really mean things to me and she doesn't know why, that they just come out, and are not true. I asked if she knew they were mean and not true at the time she says them and she said yes most of the time. I asked if she knows they were mean and untrue why does she say them and why doesn't she take them back and apologize for them. She said she doesn't know why she says them and that she does take them back and apologize for them...sometimes. I said ah, no, you don't, ever. She seemed sincerely perplexed by this but went back into herself.

We saw the doctor yesterday and had a chest xray and CT scan as she has had a hydro/pneumo thorax since we left the hospital and the dr thought she would have to reinsert the chest tube but nothing has changed (not gotten worse) so we see her again in 10 days.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #29 on: October 17, 2017, 08:22:17 AM »
Interesting she is realizing the mean words and admitting they were not true.

Now she may rubble that around in her head for awhile.   That's good.
Maybe eventually she will be able to sincerely apologize.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Samurai

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #30 on: October 17, 2017, 08:36:45 AM »
I just read this Made. Best wishes!
Me 42
W42 - Wallower
Married 11 years
BD - October 2015 ILYBINILWY
S9 D7
OM - Yes, EA, ended in early 2016
Separated in June 2018

Offline Anjae

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #31 on: October 17, 2017, 05:50:39 PM »
Interisting insight about the words.

Agree with Thunder, maybe eventually it will lead to a sincere apology.

Wishing all keeps going well health wise.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #32 on: October 24, 2017, 04:35:02 PM »
from Watchers thread that really hits home for me - thanks BB Help

Quote
Quote
My Expectations…on her and allowing her lack of compliance with my attempts at control were still driving me batty.  Couple that nonstop frustration with my new found Mojo and my patience…like yours faded quickly and the grass started to look REALLY GREEN on the other side of that fence.

The problem with all of that was that it just added to my wife’s stack of failures.  In her mind and in her world she felt my frustration, saw her continued failures and constantly regressed.  So she would make feeble attempts to try and establish contact or do something small for me…only to have my contempt slam the door in her face because it wasn’t exactly how I wanted it to go.  I too, like you, expected my wife to seek out professional help to solve her problems…it was rational, reasonable, and in my mind…the LEAST she could do to make up for all she did to me and our family.   The reality was that even had she gone for help then…I’m not sure it would have done her much good.  She was still stuck in her guilt, shame and self-doubt…and she had to find her way to what felt like a safe place before she could really start seeking out more help.   

My wife also recognized that I looked better than I had in years…she noticed me getting noticed…and more importantly she noticed me enjoying being noticed.  It helped rebuild my broken self-image and gave me confidence…which was good for me…but pushed her away and made her panic.  She worried about my diet, my exercise, my “New” habits.  She would push to understand or interject…usually to be scolded with “This is what you sowed my dear…I didn’t ask for it…but here I am and I am not taking any crap from you about how & who I am right now” or some variation of the same…usually with a lot of snark & venom.

Finding her place of safety was when my expectations lowered and she felt like I was no longer judging her and a threat to leave her.  When my snarky remarks, truth darts, and the "do it my way" started to pass into a simpler co-existence she felt less pressure.  When I stopped pushing, did more listening, and stopped trying to constantly correct her she opened up more.  When I did what felt So Damn Uncomfortable…being more available to do stupid little things, had small talk that felt utterly ridicules, and tried to let her re-establish a “Friendship” that I wanted no part of…she started to emerge.   

The last one was probably the hardest…I didn’t want her to be my friend…I wanted my wife.  I told her a thousand times that same thing…I wasn’t here to be your friend…I am your husband.  So much of that came from my own loneliness…I was starving for love, affection…connection.  And I wanted it NOW…so go get help…fix your crap and let’s get back to normal so you can love me NOW.  Which was quite foolish since we didn’t fall in love that way last time…it wasn’t Hi I’m BB…lets be in love.  No, we got to know each other slowly and day by day.  This process is very WEIRD in trying to reconnect because how do you do small talk and get to know someone you know everything about…someone you have spent the majority of your life & memories with.  That awkwardness is not evident to you alone…your spouse feels it too…and they default back to “Its too hard…I have done too much damage to fix this”.  This is where I had to step back and slow down, temper my expectations of how reconciliation was going to be, to help her when I could while continuing to give her time and space to find her path, and to ease the pressure where I could and find a new level of patience that I never dreamed that I had.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #33 on: October 25, 2017, 02:36:31 AM »
Pft that is insane. I feel that way too. Mine is so paranoid he thinks I am going to poison his sandwhich if I make him one.

Like after 14 years, NOW is the only opportunity I had.  ::)

How do you go from being  best friends/constant companions/lovers to strangers over night?  :o
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #34 on: October 27, 2017, 07:18:12 AM »
Had a terrible 48 hours of anxiety that seems to be passing now. I kept thinking something terrible is going to happen, it seems the voice is getting the best of me sometimes. I think its PTSD or the enemy, last night as it was passing I kept hearing "be thank-ful for what you have or I will give something to make it worse" I know thats not God as He is always for me not against me. Its hard to be fearful to want more than what you already have but I do need to be thankful, things could be really worse, all sorts of problems could arise.

Today we go see the surgeon as my wife still has water/air in her chest cavity. We got a call from her GP who asked for some blood work as her CT scan showed some problem with her heart. She was nasty yesterday, all day, but says its all my imagination.

I worked out, hard.

Peace, life is hard.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #35 on: October 27, 2017, 08:08:02 AM »
She said she doesn't know why she says them and that she does take them back and apologize for them...sometimes. I said ah, no, you don't, ever. She seemed sincerely perplexed by this but went back into herself.

Interesting, last night I said to my H he never thanks me for anything practically in the past year and a half and he told me he thanks me all the time. And he really doesn't. I had another time where he said he spends the night with me MANY times and it is once every two months on average for the past 14 months. They really rewrite their own behavior in their minds to make it better than it is.

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #36 on: October 27, 2017, 08:44:37 AM »
Peace, life is hard.

That it is Made...

The enemy loves to poke us when we are at our weakest or in doubt...your blessing is you know the truth.  To this day...when things get tough I always go to "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".

Prayers to you and your family my friend.  You stay strong & God Bless.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #37 on: October 27, 2017, 04:44:13 PM »
Thanks BBHelp, that is one to remember. I keep saying the Lords Prayer over and over again. It helps.

Hey Goner,
I think you are right, it is amazing how the truth can be re-written.

Her appointment was a semi-success. The surgeon says air/fluid in her lungs is now gone but she wants to do a bronchoscopy next week to check on the healing from the inside, she is worried about an infection. My wife is terrified as she will be semi awake.

On the good news, D21 is progressing well at school and her BF graduates from fire fighting school today. S20 is getting more and more social invites and is playing soccer 5-6 times a week. He seems happier.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #38 on: October 28, 2017, 07:11:54 AM »
Made, I'm sure your W is scared over everything that has happened and now this test and being semi-awake.

Sometimes fear comes out as anger.
I pray everything looks good for her.
Give her time.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Keep believing

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #39 on: November 03, 2017, 03:47:09 AM »
Could someone take bbquote from watchers thread and post it on to those who reconcile or reconnected. I think it is good information  for that thread.    It is in the above thread from oct. 25. Thanks

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #40 on: November 04, 2017, 07:15:58 AM »
She got through the bronch and lavage and the surgeon is pleased with her work. No more air/water in the pleura cavity or fistula and the broncioles are washed out and clear. My W feels better but depressed as her family (except for the golden sister) did not contact her, not even an email or text. I think she is embarrassed that she slammed my family for so many years and now in the worst of times it is actually her family that sucks.

I am thrilled that this hurdle is over and that there should be no more medical hurdles to crawl over regarding her lungs. She has to have follow up regarding her liver and heart but I am sure these are a matter of course and not medical urgencies.

My anxiety dissipated the night before the broch, it was if something clicked back into place in my brain, like reception became clear again. It was odd but I am grateful. Anxiety is an awful thing as you can't escape your mind. I am grateful and pray normalcy continues.

Thanks all
Peace
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #41 on: November 04, 2017, 07:19:53 AM »
Sounds good, Made.

I hope her health keeps getting better and better.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #42 on: November 13, 2017, 08:04:42 AM »
She is getting better! and the better she gets the less she acts like I am her husband and she is my wife but rather the more she and I are roommates once again. I was re-reading my thread from Feb to present and I could really see the progress towards normalcy not only in my wife but in me. I was pleased with the progress but she now seems to be forgetting all of that...I guess progress is not linear.

I am grateful for her medical recovery

She is pushing for us to go back to Hawaii in Jan for my 60th birthday. I really don't want to go anywhere romantic again since that is not part of our relationship anymore. I go to Hawaii in my mind all the time. She said she wanted to do something for my 60th and I said there all lots of things she could give me for my 60th.  I think she got it but it's not going to go there..."ever again"

My D21 was super rude to me the other day and I called my W to vent which led to a conversation about where D21 gets this from, my W says she is acting just like her sister (not the Golden One but the nasty one) which is true and I wanted to say which is exactly like her, my D21 gets her rudeness not from my wifes sister but from my wife. I wanted to, this was the time if there was one but I did not. I told her that about 5 years ago during a similiar conversation and (I believe) help trigger her journey towards MLC. It is the truth but she can't hear it. To her credit the last couple months she has told me what a nasty person she is and she wants to change. Was this the time for a gigantic truth dart?

My anxiety raises its ugly head again and again, "just when I thought I was out, it pulls me back in". Think GodFather

I continue to work out and am quite proud of the crossfit circuit I created in my back yard. Pullups (assisted because of the muscle mass I lost on my back during my brachial plexus problem), timber carries (( 80 lbs a piece, I got the renovators to save a couple of long 8 x 8s (very akward to walk around with) and I put a couple of handles on them so I can carry them around my backyard)) , wall balls, rope climbs (up our gigantic cedar tree, can't do this yet but am confident I will learn), battle ropes, kettlebell stair climbs, bench presses and deadlifts. I do this circuit 3 times in less than a half hour and am couple fried. A good fried however and a good prep for the Crossfit open coming up in Feb. I should really do burpies too but have strained my left achilles attempting double unders 4 months ago so I can't run or skip now or do anything that puts a shock to the achilles until it heals. I think the physio I am getting is making it worse.

Anyways thanks for listening.

Peace
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #43 on: November 13, 2017, 08:14:50 AM »
Happy to hear your W is recovering well, not so happy her MLC isn't.

I don't know Made, just keep taking good care of yourself and maybe in time she will rediscover her wonderful, loving H, who stood by her through all this.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #44 on: November 13, 2017, 08:27:49 AM »
Just keep doing your thing Made.

Her life, her mortality, her family issues and you...they all went into a blender for her for a while and she lived life on high alert for a while.  It will take her some time to get things straightened out.  And as you just proved...you are the strong one that can stand the heat and wait while she tries to simplify and sort this out.  That doesn't do you any good...but it is how she is dealing with it.

I agree on Hawaii.  Don't sully a good memory with one that will leave you wanting.  I wouldn't be afraid to say that is why as well...and say that you hope someday there will be new and better trips that you can both enjoy.  But for right now...no thanks.

Stay strong my friend.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline riverbirch

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #45 on: November 17, 2017, 01:58:16 AM »
I just read your thread,finally. I'm not on much so it takes me a while. I'm sorry you now have to deal with a cancer scare. We usually think this will be their wake up call. Unfortunately nope.

Is your wife going through menopause too?  If she is then,that could be part of the reason for her lack of desire. When she hides her books from you,to me it sounds like she's ashamed of her looks in a way. Maybe she feels ugly. I'm having a hard time with this myself. I've put on some weight since I changed jobs and going through menopause. Maybe stop staring at her books ( sarcastically ).

My h and I are living right now the platonic relationship. It really bothered me that it was this way. When he came back it wasn't like that then one day he wouldn't touch me again. It really sucked and hurt. So I had to learn to let it go for now and pray that part of our relationship comes back. We don't have a lot of privacy right now either,plus throw in how he feels about himself,leftover depression and the fact he doesn't deal with ' feelings '.

She hinted about Hawaii for a reason. Sounds like she wants to go. Maybe think about that. It's months away right?
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet
Home 2019,rebuilding

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #46 on: November 17, 2017, 09:52:25 AM »
Thanks Thunder, BBHelp, Riverbirch

She is who she is and I can't change it. I b*tc# and whine and complain because I know life could be fantastic for the two of us if things changed for the better, really and truly fulfilling. I certainly don't want them to change for the worse, we had that and don't want to go there again.

Yes she is in menopause, yes she is unhappy with they way she looks/feels and I can't do anything about those things either. I have tried and tried but listing my efforts here won't change anything either. In the big scheme of things I am grateful for her life and realize that circumstances could be much different. I am grateful she is slowly coming out of MLC instead of where we were 3 years ago. I am grateful that she is appreciating me in small ways. I will continue to try and stay in those very important places rather than complain about what I can't do anything about. If a had a choice between now and what could have been I will chose what I have now over and over and over again.

Thanks for listening and writing such wise words.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline riverbirch

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #47 on: November 17, 2017, 10:14:10 AM »
Menopause explains a lot on top of everything else. Now she has to deal with cancer unfortunately. I pray things get better for you.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet
Home 2019,rebuilding

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #48 on: November 20, 2017, 07:26:37 AM »
She told me yesterday that she feels like a broken horse, without any spirit left whatsoever. A few days ago she had made it clear she needed Hawaii as a way to bounce back from her cancer scare, she says its for my 60th and we told the kids its because we are losing two very important staffers so a holiday now is necessary as we don't know when it will happen again. Truth is I guess its for all of the above reasons that we booked Hawaii last night for the end of January. She kissed me with tight lips and had me hold her close ( but not too close ) in our bed before she went to hers and she is making sure I know this is platonic. My cross to bear...

I pray without hope for a complete marriage but I am grateful for what we have. I pray for my kids health and growth, I pray for many, many things.
I pray because Jesus did.

Peace
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #49 on: November 24, 2017, 02:54:27 PM »
Journal:
yesterday she monster-ed on me for staying home from work to get her car fixed, she thought it was ridiculous that I thought she couldn't walk to the repair centre to pick up the car. I explained I was doing her the favour since work did not need me and it was pouring rain and that this was the actions of a caring husband did not want his wife (who just survived a major cancer scare and quasi pneumonia) to walk 3km  in the pouring rain.  She could not understand how or why anyone would do this except for their own best interest, I immediately thought of her family of a cause for this kind of thinking and told her so. She ending up apologizing and kissing me. Whatever the case I will take the apology as a peak outside of her tunnel.

today she told me that, outside of choosing me as her husband, (!) the best decision she ever made was to spend the money on a personal trainer. She started training this week. I am super encouraging for this to happen as all sorts of her future health issues could be prevented if she would become fit. I suppose my own fitness regime and goals had something to do with this, whatever the case I will take the compliment as a peak outside of her tunnel.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #50 on: December 02, 2017, 04:11:18 PM »
I found my original diary from BD#2 Sept 2014, the anxiety levels described are like the ones I have now except now we have gone through her MLC(mostly), my illness, our sons illness, her family fight, and her cancer. I think I am afraid of what will happen next, I have this overwhelming feeling of dread that I am having difficulty controlling. Again I think it must be from the constant state of stress I have been under the last 3.5 years. My brain is so accustomed to it that it is producing the stress/anxiety on it's own to get me to the levels I am used to. I pray this passes permanently soon. The only reprieve is when I have at least two glasses of alcohol or I am asleep > even prayer and exercise is not helping now. Obviously I can't drink or sleep all the time...I feel like a broken horse now, so done with life, it just doesn't seem worth much if its going to be like this...I pray I will bounce back soon, happy is hard to fake now more than ever.


My anxiety raises its ugly head again and again, "just when I thought I was out, it pulls me back in". Think GodFather
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #51 on: December 02, 2017, 07:38:29 PM »
You have been through so much, Made, it's a wonder you are still physically standing at all. Maybe it's time for you to take some time for yourself. I recently had a week off, and while my friend was here 5 of those days and I made Thanksgiving dinner, I did all those things because I wanted to. I slept in every day, power watched tv, got out and about. It was like water to a dying plant. While before that I could hardly keep my eyes open throughout an entire day, I now have energy back.

You cannot be everything for everyone else and not recharge your own batteries. Perhaps it's time Made made time for Made. You deserve it.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #52 on: December 03, 2017, 07:56:02 AM »
Thanks OR, I wonder if I am going through my own MLC after all I am approaching 60 this year, I wonder if this is what the MLCer feels like, constantly humming, anxious, in regret, unhappy, a need to run and get away from all of this stuff going on in my mind.................

The next time off will be in Hawaii and I am signing up for surf lessons when in Oahu, now I know it must be MLC, 60, buff bod and surfing?????
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #53 on: December 03, 2017, 08:15:40 AM »
Oh, oh...have you started blaming everything on your W yet?  The IS a requirement of MLC.   Nothing can be your fault.  ;D

Honestly, if you have that much anxiety go to your doctor.  They have great anxiety medication you can take temporarily.  Anxiety is no laughing matter.  You can get that calming effect without the booze.

Made, is it maybe you seeing things going back to pre bd days?  Are you afraid she will want out again?
It is possible her actions turned around when she had her cancer scare, but the crisis was not really over.
Are you fearing that?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Superman

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #54 on: December 03, 2017, 08:26:54 AM »
Made-- I just made a post on my thread that I think relates to this. Its about creating the life we want to have through our own choices. While I do not discount anxiety, fear, sadness..ect, I was once reminded that it is a choice to keep those feelings.  For me I started to force myself every day to change that. I would force myself to look at every good little detail I could find (on the worst days I could still find some) and cultivate that. I would finish the day thinking about those good things. In essence I took the power away from the negative parts of my life, and breathed life into the good parts of my life. It has really changed things for me.


Hawaii? 60? Buff? surfing? all sound like blessings to me.


Take care my friend.

Online Treasur

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #55 on: December 03, 2017, 09:39:19 PM »
In essence I took the power away from the negative parts of my life, and breathed life into the good parts of my life.

Now that sounds like it should be an LBS mantra...breathe life into the good parts  :)

You sound tired, Made, and maybe a bit scared of going back more than things moving forward? All of us get left with scars and sore spots and triggers perhaps. Please remember to cherish you as much, if not more, than you cherish your wife now x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #56 on: December 04, 2017, 07:10:29 AM »
Don't be hard on yourself made, you are human !  Human beings reach a boiling point just like water!!
Take some time for you and your health, whatever you decide to do make it about you and only you!

(hugs)
31
« Last Edit: December 04, 2017, 08:38:45 AM by 31andcounting »
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Watcher

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #57 on: December 04, 2017, 07:27:06 AM »
Maybe it is time for yourself. Time to recalibrate. Anxiety is no fun. This time of year makes it a bit more difficult. Holidays and the MLC is not a good mix. You have to get on top of the negative. I see it in myself. As soon as I notice it coming back into my life I have no choice but to work on it. Its a never ending battle Made. Find your way back to the positive.

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #58 on: December 04, 2017, 08:02:54 AM »
Made,

You have been living on high alert for a long time...and you are correct that our minds can tune everything up to keep us in that state.  Best suggestion is to see your doctor.  There are some short term meds that can help you re-calibrate and dial life back to 9.  No shame...its not weakness...it is just understanding what you have been through and what all of that has done to you.  Your doctor will probably be surprised it took you so long to ask... ;)

Stay Strong my friend.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #59 on: December 07, 2017, 07:09:40 AM »
Thanks everyone, I am now taking a mild anti-anxiety med and doing CBT to help control the waves. I am also taking time to count my blesssings, praying constantly, being thankful and even started meditating, all seem to be helping at least for now. Some of the scarier parts of these attacks is my mental issues (of course) but the physical symptoms, my dizziness, lack of coordination and difficulty breathing and getting my thoughts out > all signs of heavy stress except I am not under any compared with what I have been through the last 4 years.  I think my brain is leaking enzymes like a liver or heart does once it has been heavily damaged, no science behind that but that is what it feels like.

As I had mentioned she is now going to a personal trainer which I am all for but she started describing how this late 20's something touches her to correct her form and I start to think, ok here we go, the 50s something MLCer and her personal trainer, she gave him her cell # which she never gives out. It's her eyes when she talks about him that really starts my imagination going. Then as she was describing this I took a deep breathe and said to myself fine, if that is what is going to happen, fine, I am good, I will be fine, go for it, I have no control over you, only me and that will be the end of it all. She has started calling me girls names when she goes to her bed, good nite donna, good nite claire...I have no idea why and asked  her, she has no idea why. Not quite cooked yet?

I am excited today to pick up my new bar and weights today, my kids gifts for Christmas! I will be building a squat rack for my home gym after we get back from Hawaii. I am starting training for surf lessons today.

Thanks all, it really helps me to hear from you.

Peace


But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #60 on: December 07, 2017, 07:30:09 AM »
That's right Made, she is the only one that can keep herself within the boundaries of a healthy marriage!  The opportunity is always out there!!  Until she is cooked and truly gets it she may make wrong "choices" No matter what you will be okay!
(hug)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #61 on: December 07, 2017, 09:58:35 AM »
Yes Made, that is extreme stress symptoms.  I had them too for a few months.  I'd be walking in the park and felt like I was going to fall or faint or something.  It's a scary feeling.

I have an idea.  Why not join your W at the gym?  It could be something you could do together.  Even if you do have weight at home.
You could do both.
I started working out with my H at his gym and it was a lot of fun.  We went together.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #62 on: December 08, 2017, 11:32:13 AM »
Thanks Thunder and 31,
The gym is her thing, it has to be her thing, something to accomplish on her own and yes there are opportunities everywhere. I can only support her efforts to get fit and not get in the way whatever the end results are. I am buying her some gym equipment for home use that she hinted about for Christmas.

Her brother phoned yesterday not to ask about her health but to get her work details as he is inline for a government job that requires clearance. She was deeply hurt by this which led to a conversation about the "big family fight" which she was destroyed by (and our kids too in the collateral damage), which led to a conversation about forgiveness which led to a conversation about forgiving ME for something I said about 6 years ago. How her brother and her family fight came round to be a blame on me is something I was not prepared for so I did not engage to the best of my ability. I had previously apologized, said I was wrong to say it and wrong to think it and asked for forgiveness on two separate occasions but its clear she has not forgiven me nor will she and that this is the root of our lack of a complete marriage. I hurt her too badly for her to let me in completely.

When our daughter was in the worse of her mental health crisis we were fighting a lot, all the time really, from the stress and from our different prospective on how to handle the situation. To make the long story short I said that she was to blame for our daughters mental health issues which I immediately regretted and apologized for but the damage was done. I apologized another time again but she refused to accept it.

Last night she asked me if I meant it at the time and still mean it. I told her I meant until I said it and then I knew it was wrong and that I was wrong in thinking and saying it. I then said that The truth was that it was both our fault, and that her life was at fault too and that she has a disposition for this too. She had terrible colic as a baby and then cyclical vomiting syndrome as a young girl. She was a beautiful happy and inquisitive child but also very sensitive and had difficulty making friends as they tended to hurt her feelings all the time. She had one close girlfriend but another girl basically weaseled her way in and pushed our daughter out. She was then alone until high school, Always protecting the bullied, she herself was terribly bullied in high school to the point of suicide watch and eating disorders. We did not parent her to the best of our ability, it was both our fault, she was too critical and I was too angry. It's so difficult when you don't have any experience, I wished and hoped and prayed for more abilities to handle the situation but the truth is I blamed my wife internally and eventually it was blurted out. Eventually our daughter received physicatric help but does not trust us and keeps us both at arms length. It continues to be difficult but better than before.

But I was not ready last night to get this into conversation to help heal my wife so I think it only created more of a wedge which I was especially fearful of.

My anxiety levels went through the roof and I was unable to sleep except with a lot of medicine.

Sorrow is my only emotion right now.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #63 on: December 08, 2017, 12:41:14 PM »
Quote
but the truth is I blamed my wife internally and eventually it was blurted out

it was the truth that I blamed her but it was not the truth that she was to blame and that should never had happened
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #64 on: December 08, 2017, 05:14:01 PM »
Oh made I'm sorry! Please forgive yourself! You are human !  It is true that the words stick but your explanation was accurate and honest! All you can be is honest that is what a true healthy marriage is!
(Hug)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Superman

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #65 on: December 08, 2017, 08:13:50 PM »
Made—- forgiveness is an interesting thing.  We need to learn to forgive ourselves before we are able to forgive others.  So while you have made steps to forgive yourself and move past..your w may be stuck on forgiving herself which in turn keeps her from forgiving you....I say be the light...and show her how it’s done and just keep going. You are doing so well.

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #66 on: December 11, 2017, 06:45:06 AM »
Thanks Super and 31

Yesterday was my families annual get together and if anyone remembers it has been a flashpoint for us but I am please to say we were more together this year than we have in at least 4, even some PDA which is not easy for her. The only chink was when my cousin came in (a worry for OM candidacy) she saw him and then said oh I didn't even see you come in...I didn't really care TBH but I did notice.

All in all I enjoyed myself more this year than I have in a long time and was more relaxed but anxiety raised it's ugly head a few times which I was surprised by, near panic attacks for no reason...

anyone have any good links on self forgiveness?
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Never say never

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #67 on: December 11, 2017, 07:13:40 AM »
Oh, Made, I am so sorry you are feeling bad.  You really need to not feel bad.  We are all human ... no one is perfect.  I am not sure if you mentioned if you are religious or not, but if you are, you could go to reconciliation maybe??  You have nothing to forgive yourself for.  All you can do is learn from any mistake you feel you made and move forward. 

We all have been hurt enough.  We don't need to blame ourselves on top of that.

You are amazing just as you are.

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #68 on: December 11, 2017, 07:30:35 AM »
Made—- forgiveness is an interesting thing.  We need to learn to forgive ourselves before we are able to forgive others.  So while you have made steps to forgive yourself and move past..your w may be stuck on forgiving herself which in turn keeps her from forgiving you....I say be the light...and show her how it’s done and just keep going. You are doing so well.

This is an Amen Buddy.  Read it twice. 

YOU are obviously sorry...you are still suffering from saying it.  It was something said in anger and under stress and you have apologized.  THAT is all you can do. Let it go for now.

Superman is correct...she is not ready to accept her own forgiveness...so she focuses on you & her family to keep her anger wall up.  That will change in time.

Don't sweat that conversation...IME...you will have it again...probably more than you'd like.  She will keep coming back to it.  Mine did...and I got better at dealing with it every time.

As for the get together, small victories my friend...

Stay Strong.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #69 on: December 19, 2017, 12:59:39 PM »
Thanks BB and Never,
Yesterday she moved into very close to me on our couch which would be a normal married thing to do but this type of intimacy on her part has not been seen in at least 4 years. My anxiety went through the roof and I wanted to leave but forced myself to stay which was, of course, the right and best thing to do and what I wanted and have wanted for years but now that we are moving deeper into re-connection mode I am being very anxious about it. Could this be the cause of my anxiety? I notice it is worse at night and that when I wake in the morning before any thoughts invade my brain I feel normal. At last nights dinner the anxiety disappeared when I stepped in with a conversation that was approaching a fight between her and our S20. Could it be I am so used to stress that when I am not experiencing it I get anxious. Weird feelings, weird circumstances, all sorts of weirdness. I am trying to focus on today, not the past or the future but its hard when you feel constantly sick, that your heart is in your throat, that the world will end as we know it  and there is not current logical reason for it.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #70 on: December 25, 2017, 06:36:42 AM »
Merry Christmas everyone and thanks for everything these last 3 plus years > without you I would not have made it this far.
Peace on earth, goodwill to all.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #71 on: December 25, 2017, 06:41:37 AM »
Thank you Made, the same to you.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Mary A

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #72 on: January 04, 2018, 04:24:46 PM »
I hope you have a great 2018!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline MadeTopic starter

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #73 on: January 05, 2018, 07:41:10 AM »
I went back on Anti Depressants today. I could not handle the anxiety attacks any longer. Of course there is no guarantee this will be the end of them but it helped a lot the last two times I was on them. The doctor was helpful in explaining depression as a liar/enemy. The disease will make you think lies are true even the physical symptoms are lies and especially the hopelessness is a lie. This connects well with me, it gives me a little hope already.
She also said that a tell tale sign of depression is when there is nothing to be depressed over. Which is true for me right now. My marriage is on the mend, the kids are progressing well, business is doing well, my faith is strong. There is nothing to be depressed over, yet every little thing that happens in the world sends me. I get super upset about things that don't even involve me. and of course the anxiety...

There is some truth in the idea of being under a super-strain effects you down the road and this may be the after effects of all the stress of the last 4 years. That would be a reason I suppose. Never the less I have depression.

My wife noticed something was wrong a week or so ago and she laid down with me one night and asked if I was sick but she is a person who believes that depression is something you can just "get over". She did ask last night if there was something she could do, I asked her "don't be mad I am sad" She is probably pretty mad I said that but that is what I think she thinks. Maybe that's the liar too. I am going to buy a SAD light to see if that helps as well.

She is working hard with the trainer and it is really paying off for her. I am encouraging her to keep going for the whole year. Very expensive but as I said its the best investment she can make.
But by God's grace I am what I am.

March 22, 2015 But it is true, I no longer see myself as the problem or as the solution.

Feb 1, 2017 no hope = no expectations = no disappointments

Aug. 8, 2017 She has lung cancer
Sept. 12th 2017 She has surgery and is expected to fully recover and be cured

Offline Thunder

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Re: Chapter 5
« Reply #74 on: January 05, 2018, 08:17:19 AM »
Hi Made,

Depression is nothing to ignore.  I'm glad you are back on the ADs for now.  I will help you with these running thoughts.

I agree, it is most likely from everything you've gone through.

It's like in and accident you can jump into gear and save everyone, but much later it effects you.

I think it's a good sign your W is noticing something is wrong.  She's feeling for you again.

Let us know how the meds work.
Also it may be helpful to talk to someone.  There may be more to the depression that you're not even aware of.
The ADs can help you feel better but they can't get rid of what's causing the depression.  If you've been on them 2 other times it may indicate that you need a little counseling too.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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