[HeartTattoo]

“As much as you burn me, baby, I should be ashes by now.”

I first heard this song written by the American songwriter Rodney Crowell many years ago (sung by Emmy Lou Harris). Like nearly all country songs it speaks of pain & betrayal. I hadn’t thought of this song again until I heard it playing recently on a nearby radio. Oh, yeah, I thought. This one belongs on the LBS playlist. The spouses of MLCer’s are incinerated by the betrayal, the incomprehensible words & actions burning up health & sanity, marriages & families.

I haven’t been on Hero’s Spouse for quite some time. BD was over four years ago. My threads are on the private side, but my story plays like most of yours, with the exception of older participants & a longer marriage (59 year old spouses, a 48 year old OW, & 6 weeks shy of a 39th anniversary at BD). I didn’t believe anyone who said I “would be ok”. I wasn’t ok & I couldn’t imagine ever being “ok” again. I was manic, not eating, not sleeping, had racing & obsessive thoughts, including some suicidal ones. You all know how it goes.

“I should be ashes by now”, but I’m not. And you won’t be ashes either if you take care of yourself. It’s about you now (and your children, if you have them). Before all else, take care of yourself & protect yourself. Your MLCer is gone, gone, gone. Down some path that I struggled for years to comprehend, to figure out. If I could only figure it out…

You are on this site, a vital step to getting support from others who understand. You are on this site, giving purpose to your life by helping others. First steps: Breathe, Sleep, Eat. However you can. Believe for a couple of years that your spouse is coming back. I think maybe we have to believe that for awhile. Decide if you are a Covenant Keeper, living as a spouse perpetually wedded to someone who may never want to be your spouse again. There is heroism & principle here.

Or after a time, “move on” as they say. Watch the signs of your own situation. Get past the idealization of your spouse & your marriage. I think many of us have come to realize that we were always the strong one, always the one that compromised. That our spouses had some broken places that their apparent goodness & honesty & integrity just could no longer hold together.

I took stock of my situation. My H divorced me & married the alienator 2 weeks later. He is a deeply flawed man who I believe suffers for his own betrayal of his integrity. I became no longer willing to keep the covenant he shattered with his lies & deception & abandonment.

“I should be ashes by now”, but I’m not. I fought for the best financial settlement I could (it is never fair). I moved 200 miles away. I revived a long dormant career. I bought a house. I sold our marital home. I did online dating. I kissed a couple of frogs. I have a companion now of one year with whom I am quite compatible. It’s not perfect, nothing is. I won’t marry again. I must remain strong & independent for my own survival. My mind is once again peaceful. I am happy. I continue to recover.

I am not going to tell any of you that “you will be ok”. You don’t believe that. But you won’t be ashes. You will recover in your time. You will get strong. You will once again find peace.

Hugs to All,
HT 

HT, I think I linked your last public thread so other's can read it.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7133.0

[islandgirl68]

Oh Heart... I really needed to see something like this right now. Thank you.

[xyzcf]

Beautiful post Hearttattoo...I especially love this:
 

My mind is once again peaceful. I am happy. I continue to recover.

There is no other way for the LBSer than to walk this path one step at a time....acceptance is key and belief that life is not over because our marriage is.

Thanks for the update!

[Tyks]

Thank you

[Mitzpah]

HT,

Loved the song!

You sound good and strong!

Great to see you back and posting 

Beautiful post Hearttattoo...I especially love this:
 

My mind is once again peaceful. I am happy. I continue to recover.

I agree!

[Ready2Transform]

A true success story. Love it, HT!

Get past the idealization of your spouse & your marriage.

HUGE. I didn't hit this point until I left the bargaining stage of grief and entered anger. Years and years. But embracing the humanness of all involved is also a blessing that kept bitterness at bay and let real healing start.

[Anjae]

Second Ready2, you're a real success story.

Loved the song title and that we are not ashes despite all we have to deal with.

For me, it is not much a case of idealization of spouse and marriage. I know I had a good husband and marriage. And that, most men out there and marriages pale in comparison with Mr J. But that ends up making it more difficult, because I am used to a high quality man and marriage/relationship.

Of courses, the crisis alien is absolute low quality, and I don't think I would even go for a coffee with the crisis version.

We all have flaws, we are all imperfect. MLCs seemed to had got rid of something that was good and decent, decided it was terrible, and burn everything to the ground.

[HeartTattoo]

I rarely visit HS now over five years post-BD. But occasionally I have thoughts I want to share.

I do think of my H (married now to the alienator for 2 ½ years) every single day. These thoughts no longer bring the gut-wrenching pain they did in the beginning. I feel sadness though, an almost overwhelming sense of sadness when I think of what my H did to our R, to our family, & to himself.

My H is pretty much a Vanisher & I’m ok with that. It is beyond painful to think of having some sort of “normalized” relationship with him like some D’ed people seem to mange. Our R is of the past. It is memories. When he left our home 10 minutes after BD & offered only the most ridiculous explanations for why he was so “unhappy in our M” & how he had methodically deceived me for five years committing adultery with an OW he met online, our M, our friendship, our partnership was over. Of course, I didn’t know it at the time & rejected that notion right up until the D was final & he was M’ed 2 weeks later.

I think what brought on these musings today was reading RCR’s FB article on the difference between MLC affairs & Exit affairs. She acknowledged more explicitly than I’ve read before that marital reconciliation with MLC is uncommon. When I first joined HS, I didn’t get that impression. I remember as I learned about MLC hoping that my H was indeed having a MLC instead of some other kind of affair, because that meant that there was hope for reconciliation. And, yes, there is always some hope for reconciliation after a M is afflicted with adultery, MLC or not. But after years on HS, it became very apparent that reconciliation with a MLCer is very uncommon. It happens, yes, with spectacular success sometimes, like RCR herself. But, it is not the norm; it is indeed uncommon.

Being at perhaps the far end of “middle age” (H & I both 59 at BD) I think I had the life experience & common sense to instinctively know some things at BD. I knew drink & drugs & dating were not the appropriate antidotes to the pain I was living with every minute of every day. I knew I had to take care of myself & find support.  And I knew I had to plan for MY future. I believed for a long time that my H was coming home. But, paradoxically, I also knew I had to keep planning for a future without my H. I immediately protected myself financially. After the initial shock I took steps to re-enter a long-neglected career. I began cleaning out closets & giving away unneeded household items. I thought about where I wanted to live on my own.

I guess my message is, if you are still reading, hope for reconciliation if that is what you desire. Don’t burn bridges. Don’t take revenge. Don’t do any further damage to the family your MLCer has devastated. But, above all else, take care of yourself. Get healthy & stay healthy. Do whatever Mirror Work you need. And, prepare for a life without your MLCer, because that is most likely where you are headed. Realistically, that is where most LBS’s are headed.

I am grateful for the life I have now. I am financially stable. I have a little home & garden I love. My kids are close by. I have new friends & stronger R’s with old friends. Would I have traded my M for any of this? Of course not. I loved my H; I loved our life together. My life is not “better”, it is just different. MLC did not “happen for a reason”. My H’s MLC, the destruction our our M, & my subsequent satisfying life were not/are not “God’s plan for me”. I reject & deplore such platitudes. But life does go on & I promise that if you take care of yourself & prepare yourself for the future, you will one day have a good life & a happy life.

[Mitzpah]

I guess my message is, if you are still reading, hope for reconciliation if that is what you desire. Don’t burn bridges. Don’t take revenge. Don’t do any further damage to the family your MLCer has devastated. But, above all else, take care of yourself. Get healthy & stay healthy. Do whatever Mirror Work you need. And, prepare for a life without your MLCer, because that is most likely where you are headed. Realistically, that is where most LBS’s are headed.

I am grateful for the life I have now. I am financially stable. I have a little home & garden I love. My kids are close by. I have new friends & stronger R’s with old friends. Would I have traded my M for any of this? Of course not. I loved my H; I loved our life together. My life is not “better”, it is just different. MLC did not “happen for a reason”. My H’s MLC, the destruction our our M, & my subsequent satisfying life were not/are not “God’s plan for me”. I reject & deplore such platitudes. But life does go on & I promise that if you take care of yourself & prepare yourself for the future, you will one day have a good life & a happy life.

Preach it like it is, sister! I agree with this absolutely.

Life goes on and we need to be responsible to make it the best possible because of those around us, I have not lost hope in God, I know that He will do as He wishes and that really is none of my business, my task is to live my life in a way to honor God and that includes finding joy in the life that is. My heart's desire is reconciliation with my beloved and the Lord knows that. My children live with me and we talk every day, they are in contact with their dad and seem to be happy with the level of contact they have with him. That makes me happy. Otherwise, I just carry on with my life

[stillbaffled]

Thank you for sharing, HT. 

I had hope of reconciliation until my MLCer married the OW.  That was it for me.  We've had very little contact since BD.  He will be coming on my property this summer to take the rest of his things.  After that I would guess it will be no contact at all, even though we live 5 minutes apart. 

I am taking care of me, as well as doing some work on me.  It is my hope that your prediction that I will one day have a good life, as well as a happy one, is 100% accurate. 

Thank you again for dropping in to share an update.