[HeartTattoo]

It feels like his reply about the morsel being difficult implied about you both not communicating. Doesn’t seem like he understands why which is a shame.

Thanks, Rose, for following along. I think your take on his comment is right. He seems to understand that communicating with him is difficult for me, but he never acknowledges why. For example, he has never said anything like "I know that I hurt & disappointed all of you, but I love our sons, etc, etc..."

He has always been a master at denial. Denial that his FOO's history might be affecting him. Denial that his drinking was a problem (it was my problem if I didn't like it). Denial that my reporting his drinking problem to his work was the right thing to do (professionally, legally, & personally). Over 20 years later & 20 years sober, he still brought up his resentment over that in our first post-BD counseling session.

This is why I don't think he will ever leave his MLC tunnel. Too much denial. His protection from daily shame, regret, accountability. He was already setting that stage in the first couple of weeks when he came to counseling--"This (infidelity & abandonment) happens all the time." Like it's in the air or water. Not that he made the choices to meet up with someone he met online, to continue to meet up with her for five years, to lie & deceive, & to ultimately drop his bomb & leave a nearly 39 yo marriage.

I am very grateful for where I am in life. I am grateful I no longer live with the physical, mental, & emotional suffering of the first couple of years. But I also accept that it is never "over". That's an unrealistic goal. I think of my H daily, he is often present in my dreams, I miss him, I miss our intact family.

I haven't followed the threads much in the last several years, but I hope, Rose, that you have found some peace & that you have a life that you can be grateful for.

Hugs,
HT

[Trustandlove]

Hi, HT,

Just saying hi, nodding along with everything you say.  I, too, am very grateful that I'm no longer living with the pain and fear of the early years of this mess, but also accept that it really isn't ever "over".  As evidenced, among other things, by the fact that I still read here.  Avoidance and denial play a huge role with my former H as well.    And now my children have to continue to deal with it, which breaks my heart.

x

[UrsaMajor]

De Nile - it's not just a river in Egypt....

xW2 also has a mile-wide river as well... Basically "Unless you catch me red-handed and have photographic evidence, it never happened.. You just imagined it..."

Denial -

[MadLuv]

xW2 also has a mile-wide river as well... Basically "Unless you catch me red-handed and have photographic evidence, it never happened.. You just imagined it.

Lol, and sometimes even then they can look at the photographic evidence and say it isn’t real. It didn’t happen. That is a fact! The denial is insane!!!

[rosetintedglasses]

Thanks Heart. Yes I have peace now, actually my thread is called ‘peace’. Over 5 years since BD and my H is good at denial too. I also think of him daily and miss our intact family. 

I do hope your H can get back to the great Dad he was. I was thinking the same about my H only today. From ‘Dad of the Year’ to ‘Not seen Dad this year’. That’s why I think of him daily, I just wish there was a way of making sense of it all and there’s not.

Be kind to yourself - a 39 year marriage is not something you drop like he has. Well done for getting so far through it so well.

Rose 🌹

[HeartTattoo]

It seems fitting that my last thread was archived & locked today on the 10th anniversary of BD. This 10th anniversary seems like it should be a bigger milestone than it actually is. If anything, I have noticed a few times this past year that I am just not that interested in spending any time with old memories.

H remains a Vanisher & we have had no contact at all for nearly a year and a half. I don’t see or seek out info on social media, I don’t hear rumors from contacts in our former location, & my kids & I have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

I am grateful for the life I have. I’ve seen a meme “Life is amazing & then it’s awful & then it’s amazing again…” We all eventually suffer a trauma—we all will eventually lose someone we love—certainly through death, & some of us will lose, usually in a matter of minutes, hours, or days, a spouse we thought loved us, was truthful & faithful, & with whom we expected to live out the rest of our lives. Having a spouse flounder into a MLC & betray & abandon us is a serious trauma. But if we seek support, take care of ourselves, & quit trying to find the answers to our unanswerable questions, we can once again be happy & find joy & let the deep pain of BD & loss fade with time. The scars of my lost M & the mental, emotional, & physical pain following BD will never be entirely gone, but the sharp edges are no longer tormenting me. Life can again have its amazing moments.

My counselor had a sign in his waiting room that said “Hurting People Hurt People” & I just have to accept that my H, who did love me & who did try to be a good guy & a good father & role model, until he didn’t, came from a disordered family & his response to those hurts was to deny his vulnerabilities, to avoid honest communication, & to inflict suffering on the three people he should have loved & protected. Such is MLC.

HT


edit - removed link - oldpilot

[Hoosier Daddy]

My counselor had a sign in his waiting room that said “Hurting People Hurt People” & I just have to accept that my H, who did love me & who did try to be a good guy & a good father & role model, until he didn’t, came from a disordered family & his response to those hurts was to deny his vulnerabilities, to avoid honest communication, & to inflict suffering on the three people he should have loved & protected. Such is MLC.

HT

Thanks for posting this.  it describes my former W to a tee.

HD

[UrsaMajor]

Hi HT,

If you'd like, I can bring your old thread back to life and append this thread to it... Or we can just run with a new thread. The last post in the old one was November 2021

Just let me know

The scars of my lost M & the mental, emotional, & physical pain following BD will never be entirely gone, but the sharp edges are no longer tormenting me. Life can again have its amazing moments.

This is what healing is really all about....

UM

[HeartTattoo]

UM,

Whatever you think works best for the board. I don't think the old thread is "full", just not that active. Last year's anniversary kind of slipped by in Jan 2022. Good sign of healing I guess. It all just takes up less space in my current life.

I don't anticipate posting more frequently, but I do like popping in occasionally to give Newbies & others with less time in how it looks further down the road, at least in my case.

Thanks for your work on the site.
HT

[Tyks]

Heart Tattoo,
I am almost seven years in - and this seems about right.

"I just have to accept that my H, who did love me & who did try to be a good guy & a good father & role model, until he didn’t, came from a disordered family & his response to those hurts was to deny his vulnerabilities, to avoid honest communication, & to inflict suffering on the three people he should have loved & protected. Such is MLC."