[calamity]

Very glad the tumour was caught early HT [I hate to write that word or the word 'cancer' so I'm making myself say it].  Breast cancer is very common in my family--I didn't expect to get this old.
Someone here will note your post and take heed.  Thanks for sharing.

[LearningIamOk]

HT, I am also glad to hear that your health is under control. You have been thru so much already. I hope you continue to be strong and cheerful. A positive attitude goes a long way in helping to beat back cancer.

[HeartTattoo]

I’m very rarely on the site anymore, but I thought I would just document the kind of contact you might get from your MLCer on down the line, oh say, nearly seven years post-BD.

E-mail received today, something like “I’m going to need cataract surgery (because I’m an old f@rt & actually had an elder-crisis). I need records from previous eye surgery I had (about 20 years ago) & my drs no longer have them. Do you have any records of it?”

Uhhh, no dude. You BD’ed me & immediately walked out the door with your car packed. I spent some of my manic f'ed-up LBS energy purging a lot of the sh!t you left behind, including, but not limited to, the random pair of gym shorts you left in your empty dresser (& you thought I might still have 2 years later), your father’s rifle which neither I nor your sons had the least bit of interest in, & garbage bags full of dried up insulating foam, car cleaning products, & shelves full of other unorganized, left-behind dude sh!t.

How long does this go on? That he thinks I might still be his care-taker, his record-keeper? I’ve worked very hard to accept what he wanted from Day 1—that our M is over. Seems he is shameless about not quite letting go of that fragile, barely-there thread between us that was our M.

Oh yeah, my reply was simply “No”.

Health update: My 6 month checkups & follow-up mammogram have been fine. I retired a couple of months ago from my nursing job & am taking it easy for awhile & planning out some new household & crafty projects. The financial insecurity of retirement is still scary, but it seems feasible & my body was ready for less stress.

[LearningIamOk]

HT, so good to hear from you! Congratulations on your health! Glad to hear that all is well there.  Congratulations on your retirement!!! The financial side is scary, but you've gotten this far. I am certain you are well equipped to deal with anything.

Your xH has got to be kidding. He really thinks you might have possibly kept medical records of his?  They never lose their inflated sense of self, do they?

[xyzcf]

I kind of doubt that in todays' medical world, they would need records from eye surgery 20 years ago.

Their brains do not function the way ours do. They have a thought and maybe it allows them to have some contact with us..whatever that means.

Glad your health is good and you have retired! I started a nursing job a year ago and am loving it...lol...it is 2 hours per week, close to home and any day/time I want. They recently asked me to take on another small position for 3 hours per month.

I regret not working 10 years ago after BD. It would have been much much better for me.

[stillbaffled]

I’m very rarely on the site anymore, but I thought I would just document the kind of contact you might get from your MLCer on down the line, oh say, nearly seven years post-BD.

So in another couple years MLCer will be trying to reach me to ask if I have records he needs that he left behind!!    I have also purged many things he left behind. 

Thanks for an update.  Congratulations on your retirement.  Mine was supposed to be June of 2019 but I'm still working for another 2-3 years after having to buy him out of the house/property. 

Drop in now and again since you'll have more "free" time now!   

[UrsaMajor]

Hi HT!

Nice to have an update from you!

So in 2-3 more years (depending on the way you want to look at it) I can expect some off the wall request? Oh Goody!

Since we have kids, I guess it won't be as much of a shock as we have to have regular contact as it is...

But seriously... I think your reply was perfect... Simple, short, and to the point...

[HeartTattoo]

Thanks for the replies & comments.

Your xH has got to be kidding. He really thinks you might have possibly kept medical records of his? 

This far down the line this sort of sh!t is just so laughably absurd. I would have loved to have filled my reply with eye-rolling, tongue-sticking-out, tears-running-down-the-face laughing emojis, but I seriously think it would escape him. As XYZ says, their brains just don't work right. It obviously wasn't working pre-BD when he threw his life (& mine) away to bond with an online damsel. It wasn't working when he tried to explain any of it at BD.

And it sure hasn't been working given his last requests--medical records from 20 years ago & last year, "Hey, you wouldn't want to forgive the remainder of that meager alimony I agreed to give you after 40 years of M, would you?" Nope, something definitely eating away at brain matter here.

XYZ, I'm glad you have some flexible nursing work you enjoy. Despite the toll it took on my body & health, I am proud of the nursing work I did for the last four years. It was a true accomplishment to return to hospital staff nursing after so many years away, stick with the frustrations of orientation, & then earn the respect of my much-younger co-workers. I couldn't have done it right after BD though. Even two & a half years later, I see now that I still carried some remnants of the anxiety & manic energy that came with BD into my work life.

Most people I knew at BD could grasp the craziness of my H's actions & my devastation. But I think it is hard for most people who haven't experienced it to truly grasp the depth & breadth of this experience. The physical, mental, soul-shaking body blow of BD. The life's course destroyed leaving you stranded on some unrecognizable island in the middle of nowhere. The wound on your heart that may scab over & scar over, but forever leaves a nagging ache. The unsolvable puzzle that was your beloved's behavior, then & now. It forever alters your old relationships, your new relationships, your sense of Self.

Some days you might consider the snort of laughter you get from a self-pitying request for 20 year old Lasik records pretty good Karma for a life hit by a bomb.

[LearningIamOk]

Some days you might consider the snort of laughter you get from a self-pitying request for 20 year old Lasik records pretty good Karma for a life hit by a bomb.

Karma indeed. Even after all this time, he thinks your world, somehow, still revolves around him. I hope he felt really foolish and idiotic when you replied "No".

You really should be so proud of yourself for putting the pieces of yourself back together. You have recreated yourself into a truly formidable, yet compassionate person. You will, and do, survive what life throws at you. I am certain that the young nurses you won over really are impressed with your professionalism.

[HeartTattoo]

It has been one of those mild late fall/early winter days you really hope for so you can finish up the garden chores. As I cleaned out gutters & trimmed back dead plants I marveled at the cloudless blue sky.

Somewhere along after BD, maybe during that winter, or maybe into the spring I thought I couldn’t bear to see, I looked up to see an exquisitely blue sky without a cloud in sight. Impossible, I thought, to see something so beautiful when I felt so dreadful myself. Every time after that, when I would go out & see a sky without clouds, I would think, Oh, another impossibly blue sky. And each time, it would heal my heart, just tiny bit by tiny bit. Healing is not a destination; it is an ongoing project. I expect to be working on this project the rest of my life. And I am so grateful for everyone & everything that has helped along the way.

I can hardly bear to read newbies’ stories; they just keep coming. I still can’t get that close to their pain. But if any newbies’ read this I want you to feel hope.
 
I was always a bit confused by the concept of Mirror Work. I wasn’t/am not perfect. My M wasn’t perfect. But what was I supposed to be improving when I couldn’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time, threw perfectly good food in the trash because I couldn’t stand the sight of it, & paced my house at night howling & clutching the stomach that felt like it had been gut-punched?

The Work we have to do is look at ourselves in the Mirror & say “There is no easy way out of this, no shortcuts. You have to march right through this fire of pain & despair.” Get any help you can find, anywhere. But do not think the crutches of alcohol, illicit drugs, or random new romances will help you.

Your MLCer can be of absolutely no help. Stand for your marriage if you like & do no further damage, but this is all up to you now. Navigate contact/no contact, whatever your situation requires, but this is about saving you now. Saving your marriage is only a distant glimmer of possibility. Save your own self first. Find your impossibly blue skies.