[serenity]

I would just like to say I agree HT and Milly

Although I do believe I’m a better person, more rounded, more grown up but I too would have rather none of this had happened! Maybe my marriage wasn’t perfect but I was happy and I felt safe and loved!

I’m lucky I have jobs I love, my children and a lovely home and I’m financially ok.

But my family is broken and I struggle to cope with the endless problems alone. I’m tired, feel old and long for the ‘rock’ that was my H!

I will never, ever understand why he threw his family, me and our home away for some strange, weird life! I can’t think of anything worse than being this age with no home to call my own, no security, no lifetime partner to love and care for me! A life of freedom (maybe) but he has to work damn hard, no pension, no home. His children don’t bother with him that much. He’s just turned 60 but he didn’t have the fabulous birthday that I enjoyed last year with all my children and granddaughter by the sea last year. Maybe he doesn’t care - I don’t even know!

But I do know I wouldn’t want an endless stream of women, starting new relationships and failing over and over. I just cannot see the attraction - maybe it’s exciting but it wouldn’t appeal to me. A lifetime spent with a special someone that you’ve got to know inside and out, grown with, laughed and cried with - had a family with is worth so much more than any floosy found online!

I can’t say I don’t have a good life now - I work hard, I have lots of friends and I’m mostly happy but that deep sadness and inner loneliness hasn’t left me!

Hugs

X

[Nerissa]

Funny this came up right now.  I was talking about this to my Therapist - about my weaknesses etc. And she said something to the effect that  that I was a normal contented person in a happy, marriage with a successful family before all this happened.

And I remembered that I was.

[xyzcf]

Totally agree with what you are saying. I did not need to remake myself, certainly by age 55 I knew very well who I was.

His crisis damaged me and caused me to lose several years of "life".

But we are resilient and I have found a good life, I feel happy, I feel blessed.

I also cannot understand why he doesn't want his family......I just came back from Antigua with my daughter and SIL, we had such an amazing week together and he could have been there but wasn't...yet, in the past when he has joined us, that has always ended poorly...so this time, the first in many years I was totally free to enjoy my time there.

It was an adult's only resort and I was the only single person, the couples mainly being my age and older...and for the first time in 10 years, I wasn't affected by that as I once used to me...yes, I sure would have liked him to be by my side.....but I am grateful to have had my daughter and her husband who is like a son to me...and we enjoyed every minute together.

I still don't like the rebuild me as much as the pre BD me....too much has been shattered, too much is vulnerable and there is a loss of my loved one that will never be satisfied.....and it took many many years to even feel this good but I don't think there was much more I could have done to get to the place I am today.

[Treasur]

Funny this came up right now.  I was talking about this to my Therapist - about my weaknesses etc. And she said something to the effect that  that I was a normal contented person in a happy, marriage with a successful family before all this happened.

And I remembered that I was.

This ^^^^^
It's important to remember this. That we weren't broken just bc our spouses broke.
Sometimes mirror work is just about how we survive and move forward from what happened the best we can.

[Milly]

Nerissa, thanks for sharing what your therapist said. I think we might take on our mirror work as a means to fix ourselves, or improve ourselves with the hope it will make us perfect partners for the future. Then after we do our mirror work, which does make us feel good to a certain extent as we like this new really nice person, we find that our lives are not necessarily any happier. Then we reach a stage where we wonder 'Were we really that bad before?' Then after all the self criticizing, which is not good for us (it wastes years as xy says), we need to realize that we were good people before BD, too. We were really good people. Our spouses had something go wrong with them.

[HeartTattoo]

I think we might take on our mirror work as a means to fix ourselves, or improve ourselves with the hope it will make us perfect partners for the future. Then after we do our mirror work, which does make us feel good to a certain extent as we like this new really nice person, we find that our lives are not necessarily any happier. Then we reach a stage where we wonder 'Were we really that bad before?' Then after all the self criticizing, which is not good for us (it wastes years as xy says), we need to realize that we were good people before BD, too. We were really good people. Our spouses had something go wrong with them.

I think the problem I've had with the concept of Mirror Work is that it implied to me that I needed fixing. As I've said, I didn't think I needed fixing. I knew who I was. I was a very good wife. I was a whole, healthy, well-functioning person. My counselor reinforced that.

I saw the first work I needed to do was Recovery. I was sick--emotionally, physically, mentally--all caused by the trauma of BD & its aftermath. Then starting up somewhere in the Recovery phase was the Getting a New Life phase which accelerated as my H pushed for a D & then M'ed the OW.

I saw this somewhere today & thought it kind of summed up for me what Mirror Work maybe was supposed to be for me.

Maybe you’re not healing
because you’re trying to be
who you were before the trauma.

That person doesn’t exist anymore.
There is a new person trying to be born.
Breathe life into that person.

Lynnette Duncan

New person, new life, the scars still remain. They affect that new life. Maybe those scars will fade more as physical ones do, but they won't go away. And they affect this new life in various ways. Maybe those ways are just different for all of us. Healing takes what it takes & it takes as long as it takes. And as long as we are doing generally healthy things, that is OK.

Hugs to All,
HT

[UrsaMajor]

I think that it might have been Treasur that said that mirror work was to look at one's life before and during the M, see what still fits, what has been discarded for the sake of the M and maybe trying them back on to see if they fit and then, discarding what doesn't.... Then, going out and looking at other things that maybe we haven't done but wanted to try and see if those things bring us joy...

Not so much a reinventing or reworking but a (re)discovery of things that bring us joy.... Because, just like kids who outgrow their toys, we too may outgrow some of the things we loved in the past and replace it with things that we love in the present...

[OffRoad]

What if you look in the mirror and like what you see? No fixing required. I'd like to think I do this every day, gauge if I was the person I wanted/intended to be, adjust what I need to, enjoy the rest.

There are days when I wasn't who I intended to be. If it was a one off, no big deal. But if it becomes a habit, maybe it DOES  need fixing.

HT, what was it about the concept of mirror work that made you think it implied you needed fixing? Perhaps just as likely, you could look at yourself and see that it WASN'T you that needed fixing, but someone else? Is it the concept? The way people describe it? Just your impression?

[RedStar]

Just a note that the concept of "mirror work" came originally from Louise Hay, who popularized the idea of actually looking into the mirror and saying loving things to ourselves. (Remember the SNL character Stuart Smalley and his mirror work?) She noted that children are happy to see themselves and react with glee, while adults have tended to build up the opposite reaction over time.

So, it was originally a practice of self-affirmation.

Here, we've expanded it to the idea of "working on" ourselves, but that doesn't have to mean we need fixing or that we should be critical. To me, it's more like, how can I become the best person I can be? I can acknowledge where I could benefit from improvement without beating myself up about not being everything I "should" be (yet/ever).

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Here, we've expanded it to the idea of "working on" ourselves, but that doesn't have to mean we need fixing or that we should be critical. To me, it's more like, how can I become the best person I can be?

From my perspective, mirror work was a time to heal from BD. The life you understood and the role you had in an intact relationship and family were gone. The first steps of mirror work were just getting off the mat and to start living again. To see what priorities needed to be taken care of and above all, not to hope or depend on the MLCer to help or even be bothered by you.

The next stage is what is defined by Covey in Seven Habits of Effective People is the notion of "sharpening the saw"  This is where the self healing and nurturing of self plays a role. It is about bringing back a balance to your life and self-renewal. Not a criticism of self, but a focus on self as the MLCer goes through the tunnel. As people, parents, and spouses, we should always be about getting better. Not from a flawed aspect, but a need to polish aspect.

Mirror work is not about holding yourself responsible for the loss of the marriage- if you want to hear that, just talk to your MLCer, they have a knack for letting you know everything that is wrong with you. Instead, it is about exploring and doing things differently. I started to cook and actually taught myself a few things on how to repair a car and complete home repairs on my own.

I also learned how to check myself and not react but to respond to situations. That was my mirror work.

So, it was originally a practice of self-affirmation.

And now this is where I am at and I really like this statement!

(((Ready)))