[HeartTattoo]

It was eight years ago today that I awakened to my H, with his car packed, waiting to tell me he was “unhappy in our marriage” & that he was moving out. At my insistence, after a few minutes, he also told me he had been “seeing” someone else & would be living with her.

I don’t need to describe the effects of BD on any of you here; we tend to suffer in pretty much identical fashion. But M’s can vary. We had been M’ed very near 39 years at that point, high school sweethearts, neither of us had ever been unfaithful, we had weathered some bumps, but we had entered the empty nest phase with no money issues, no sex issues, no lack of attention issues.
 
But he had some sort of issue—he was so “unhappy in our M”, although he had never expressed this before & couldn’t articulate at this moment, or later, what this actually meant. He threw out a couple of feeble, nonsensical “reasons”, but didn’t monster & told me I was “a fine person”.

But, the main point here is eight years down the line: life moves along with or without your participation. I was old enough & wise enough to know I had to take care of myself even as I battled what I still call a “nervous breakdown”. For two years I balanced two opposite concepts in my mind & in my actions—my H would be coming home & my H is not coming home. I had sincere hope in the former, yet I knew I did not want to wake up years later having wasted my time waiting for something that I knew deep down was unlikely to happen.

I participated in my life, made the decisions I needed to make, & am very grateful for the life I now have. This is not a better life than I would have had with my H; how could I ever know that? This didn’t all happen for some reason (I don’t believe in a God that manipulates what happens in our lives for some grand scheme). I have “moved on”--it would be nearly unbearable to remain in the physical, mental, & emotional turmoil of post-BD. But I am not “over it”, nor will I ever be. Though some encouraged me with that notion, I knew that would never be the case.
 
I think of my H daily; I love him still though I have come to admit more completely his flaws. He is a vanisher; we interact rarely & in minimal fashion. I cannot fathom being casual “friends” while he is M’ed to the woman who helped him destroy our family. I can almost forgive him & understand, given his flaws, how he fell deeply into MLC—a tunnel so deep & twisted I doubt he will ever emerge. The alienator, though, I will never forgive. I have no understanding of her flaws, her motives, her excuses, & I do not wish to understand.

Though I nearly drove myself crazy trying to find the answers, trying to puzzle it out, thinking I could fix it if I only could understand, I came to accept that that was impossible. There is no answer; there is no solution to the puzzle; there is no fixing.
 
Bad things happen to us all; if we are lucky many more good things happen along the way. Life is not fair. One of those bad, unfair things may be that our spouse falls into a MLC. The one we love may find his love for us distorted by depression & delusions & an addiction to an amoral alienator. Such is life. I’ll take my joy where I can find it & I do find it. We must!

[Ready2Transform]

So glad to know you HT, though I wish it wasn't under these circumstances. You are so full of grace and strength and will always be an inspiration. Big hugs today.

[HeavenlyFocus]

Thank you HT for your sincere honesty.   I am still at the beginning of my journey since BD in July.   Still living in the world of hoping my W comes out of the tunnel but starting to realize she may not.   Time to detach and focus on myself.  Wish you all the best.

[kikki]

Hi HT
I found myself nodding along to what you have just written.  I came across this the other day.
'7 Hurts That Never Heal and 3 ways to cope'.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-kids-call-the-shots/202010/7-hurts-never-heal?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost&fbclid=IwAR3Q4cmeIvbUv52NLr-933Oyid1CtNE8vD6VfNhNQSDC0OnegFjRRnya1v8

1) Death of a loved one
2) Mental illness
3) Addiction
4) Chronic Illness
5) Betrayal
6) Permanent Injury
7) Trauma

Lucky us, MLC would have to tick 4-5 of those boxes. 

1) Turn your hurt into a mission
2) Share your pain
3) Keep growing

I think those of us that have found ourselves here are doing an amazing job of turning our lives around without our MLCers but agree, this will be a part of us for life.

[Trustandlove]

Hello, HT,

I was nodding along to everything you wrote as well -- this in particular jumped out at me:

I balanced two opposite concepts in my mind & in my actions—my H would be coming home & my H is not coming home. I had sincere hope in the former, yet I knew I did not want to wake up years later having wasted my time waiting for something that I knew deep down was unlikely to happen.

I think I spent years in this two-track mode; not only balancing the two opposites that you describe, but also running the hurt part of me alongside the part that just got on with everything. 

I can completely relate to the article that Kikki posted (hi, Kikii, by the way); this, despite our best efforts, isn't something that is just going to go away.  Even though my life definitely isn't defined by it and I have turned things to so many positives. 

Perhaps that is why I am still here, reading, after a long time.  It's a way of acknowledging the hurt and the trauma without it taking over, maybe. 

Like you, I no longer have any interaction with my H, who I must call my former H -- even though he does cross my mind daily as well.  I can't fathom being casual "friends" either, even if we do have children (who he rarely interacts with), not under the current circumstances.  But I also know that change is possible, hence the two tracks...

Thank you for writing, I needed to see this today!

[kikki]

Perhaps that is why I am still here, reading, after a long time.  It's a way of acknowledging the hurt and the trauma without it taking over, maybe. 

Like you, I no longer have any interaction with my H, who I must call my former H -- even though he does cross my mind daily as well.  I can't fathom being casual "friends" either, even if we do have children (who he rarely interacts with), not under the current circumstances.  But I also know that change is possible, hence the two tracks...

Hi T&L
I think what you wrote above is exactly how I feel too.  There are few people in the world who understand this.  Other LBS always understand.
Communication with my former H is a couple of emails from him to me, per year.  I too, cannot be casual 'friends' either.

[Milly]

Good to hear an update from you, HT. I feel like you, too.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi HT, Hi Kikki, Hi T&L,

If it was not Wednesday, I'd be thinking this is Throw-Back Thursday - monikers from the past popping up again...

I guess I am one of the ones that has chosen to leave the 2nd track in that it no longer is relevant to me whether xW comes out of the tunnel or not.... Like you both, "casual friends" is not in the cards (as much as she would like it to be) because I don't HAVE "friends" that treat me the way that she has treated me nor am I so desperate that I would accept that kind of treatment in the future.... but unlike you both, I have regular contact with xW due to our kids so maintain a casual "light and breezy while polite" approach to her...

Something that I saw on Nas' thread comes into play here - a bit of the "boiled frog" syndrome where we accommodate our Mid-Lifer's bit by bit and we don't see the forest for the tree we have our foreheads pressed against.... Once that tree has been burned down, we tend to wake up and realize that, yes, there is in fact, a forest... and that we are worth being part of that forest...

Like T&L wrote, I know that change IS possible but I am at a place where it wouldn't make a difference anymore... I have grown too in this mess.... As Medusa used to have in her Tagline "One does not make the trip to Hades and back without acquiring transferable skills."

Good to see your update HT!

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Bad things happen to us all;

Yes, they do. However, when we realize that we can overcome and move forward, that is our healing, our recovery.

Though I nearly drove myself crazy trying to find the answers, trying to puzzle it out, thinking I could fix it if I only could understand, I came to accept that that was impossible. There is no answer; there is no solution to the puzzle; there is no fixing.

I struggled with this for years as well. I thought if I wait things out, detach from her rollercoaster, take care of the kids, and just be a great guy, everything would work itself out.  it didn't. I spent a lot of time wondering where I went wrong. It took a long time to realize it wasn't me. My ex threw away her marriage and tore our family apart and I really had nothing to do with any of it. it wasn't that I was the best or worst husband, it had nothing to do with me actions as a father, it had nothing to do with addiction or abuse. It wasn't about manipulation or control as my ex could basically do whatever she wanted. We had our fights and our issues, but in the end- non of it mattered. It wasn't me that mattered- it was her. Her crisis, her choices, and her troubled essence.

Your H's core makeup had a crack. Issues deeply buried probably long before he even knew you. Just like the Nashville Bomber, he blew his life up. Now the Nashville bomber subscribed to a theory that we have lizard people living amongst us and I guess he posted on some network that helped confirm his beliefs, that this dialogue cemented his mindset to take action and build the bombs. Your h had the same dialogue, but instead of communicating with others, it was the internal dialogue in his own mind that convinced him to take action.

Once again, nothing to do with you. Nothing for you to fix or correct. Not only something you can't explain, but he probably couldn't explain it either.

When I first joined the forum, I thought that this was the place where I could find the solution to fix my ex. I diagnosed her, I found a site for support, and now apply the right responses and voila, healed marriage. Case closed. In the end, I discovered the forum has some good ideas on how to handle the person in crisis, but it doesn't provide all the answers or has the solutions explained at the end of the book. While MLC bring us together and is the common denominator in our posts and discussions, the forum is really about the journey and recovery of the LBSer. With the forum, you may not save your marriage, but you can save you.

(((((Ready)))))

[Treasur]

With the forum, you may not save your marriage, but you can save you.

We don't want to hear this as newbies, but for almost all of us, this is the truth I think. That our marriage and spouse is broken irretrievably and that all we can do is survive the experience and rebuild our lives the best we can.