[bvFTD]

HopeEndures:

There is no such thing as a "Midlife Crisis," but members on this site will tell you otherwise.

However, there is a common but under-recognized brain disorder called frontotemporal dementia that tends to strike people in their 40s to 60s that blows up a perfect family and their happy little world that is wrongly called "midlife crisis" or marital breakdown, or misdiagnosed as depression, stress, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, NPD, late-onset bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or even alcoholism/drug-addiction because of the tendency for some people with the disorder to self medicate.

First sign is turning away from their true love since empathy, emotions, morals and inhibitions are first destroyed in this type of dementia, not memory!

Read up on this horrific disease then decide whether you should take your spouse to a neurologist.

I find it worrisome that people on this site accept family breakdown, bankruptcy, destruction of credit, foreclosure, disruption and trauma and then try to gracefully guide others through it. Why aren't you balking?

[xyzcf]

Hello Hopeendures and welcome to Heros Spouse.

Many of us  come here after searching for some possible reason for the behavior of our spouses, and we come across the term mid-life crisis and for the first time we are able to breath...because of the similarities in the "symptoms".

There are many resources  to help you to understand what MLC is about. Please start your study by looking at the articles that have been written by RCR.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html

http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/midlife-crisis-resources-at-the-heros-spouse/

RCR's articles are well researched and will help you to make a decision about whether you think your husband has a MLC as well as give you resources of how you can take care of yourself and your family.

There is no specific "test" to determine if our spouses have MLC and many theories about what may be causing this sudden change in their behavior. My BD was 8 years ago and after many years of researching MLC, I believe that it is a perfect storm of many factors, biochemical, developmental, emotional, spiritual.

Our spouse have been chasing their demons for a great part of their life and they reach a saturation point where they literally throw everything away that was once important to them.

No matter what the cause, you need to take care of yourself, especially your financial safety and physical health. You may wish to discuss with your doctor, the need to be tested for STD's if he has been having sex with others.

I am sorry you are here but you will survive this. There will be others along soon to give their views.

[bvFTD]

xyzcf:

You said there are no "tests" to determine whether someone has "midlife crisis." Okay. But there are tests to diagnose ftd.

[Phoenix]

Dear Hopeendures,
I'm very sorry you've been hurt so badly. No one here can know what your husband's particular situation is (mental health or physical health or bad behavior having nothing to do with the first two). And we can't make another adult go to the doctor or receive tests he doesn't want to get. Only you know your entire experience and what those facts and your gut are telling you and what the best approach is for you.

There are a number of mental and physical health issues that can cause or contribute to the behaviors we discuss on this site. Not all cases would fall into the realm of MLC and not all will fall into the realm of Frontotemporal Lobe dementia. I've been assisting a friend with this disorder for several years including accompanying her to specialist appointments. FTD is the most common form of dementia in people under age 60, but since dementia is not generally that common under 60, this is not an overall common disease. And, while some of the symptoms of
FTD can start out similar to a number of other issues, the disease does not progress like MLC. Instead physical issues tend to increase, including muscle weakness and coordination issues, problems chewing and swallowing, with bladder control and bowels, and sufferers may end up in a wheelchair.

I'm a third generation LBS. None of the male MLCers were related so it isn't something hereditary through my family. The symptoms and actions were as described on this site, but none of the men had any other signs of FTD disease, and never developed any. They all eventually admitted the mistakes they made though it was too late to save their marriages.

There are many theories and beliefs about MLC but, from my experience and research, MLC may is a combination of factors, coming to a head in midlife. MLC is thought to be the mother of all depressions and the factors that contribute to that could be hormonal (thus more common in a certain age bracket), genetic, situational, etc. In my H's case, it was likely a perfect storm between a family history of alcoholism, midlife depression, fear of mortality after his father died and his friend was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and his life-long coping mechanisms of compartmentalizing, avoiding, distracting and self-medicating. I have spoken to a number of reputable doctors over the years who absolutely believe MLC exists and at least two who experienced it first hand and ultimately came through it with professional help.

Each person's situation is unique and combines a number of factors. We can't know what the cause of your husband's issues are and you can't force him to do anything. You can only control your own behavior and reactions. I never recommend standing in cases of domestic and/or child abuse and, not every cheater is in midlife crisis. It's also possible your husband is a serial cheater and is not going to change.

It is not easy to stare the facts of our life in the face and see the truth there, but I do believe that most of us have a gut instinct or a "knowing" if we look at our situation with complete honesty and without rose colored glasses. When you are ready, you will know the truth, what is best for you, and what you need to do to protect yourself and your economic security. The most important thing is for you to KNOW YOUR WORTH and accept no less.

I wish you peace and clarity on your journey,
Phoenix

[Songanddance]

First sign is turning away from their true love since empathy, emotions, morals and inhibitions are first destroyed in this type of dementia, not memory!

This is the first sign of any kind of mental illness.

Memory loss is very common in MLC and early onset Alzheimers as well as many other mental disorders.

The point of this forum bvFTD is to help people help themselves as they go through whatever crisis they face.
At no point are we ever able to confirm at a diagnostic level that any of these conditions are MLC but we are able owing to the many many many similarities on here that there are common symptoms across all the spouses and that only time sadly will tell whether it is a fully blown crisis or another form of mental illness  The articles are helpful in understanding that the LBS is not to blame for the spouse's problems. The articles focus naturally on MLC because that is what this forum is about.

However and much more importantly  the articles and support on here are about the LBS developing and focussing on their own needs, about looking after children or family when crisis (whatever it is) strikes, about helping the LBS help themselves get back on track and able to face the world.

I fully accept and you have promoted over your posts that FTD exists and frankly most of us would welcome a medical diagnosis instead of having to face the inexplicable and often totally unacceptable behaviour that some spouses display that ultimately seem to have no medical symptoms. 
However most of the  (MLC) spouses on here do come through the crisis and do not display any later or significant confirmed medical symptoms such as Phoenix lists so perhaps HE's spouse has other issues.

As Hope Endures' husband also demonstrates symptoms of being a serial cheater - is it not possible that he is just a serial cheater demonstrating symptoms which are discussed on here?  In which case I doubt highly that HE would even be able to get her H to a neurologist. Most people who believe that others are to blame are highly unlikely to willingly get "tested"

bvFTD If you believe that there is no such thing as MLC then that is completely your preogative. All differing views are welcome on here.

I have to say though that I am personally intrigued as to why you remain on this forum if you do not believe in the concept of MLC. Your posts written in August seem to suggest that you are done with this forum.

This thread is for HE to tell her story and to seek help and guidance on her feelings and progress. 

Perhaps you would like to start a discussion thread on FTD so that members can choose to read or comment and gain understanding and knowledge of this fatal disease. 

[Not Applicable]

bvFTD-Yes, MLC is not recognized as a disease. But neither were most diseases at one time. MLC may not have a known cause, but so did most diseases at one time. If we all went around spouting off without any regard for scientific method as you do, we'd have a lot more people dead from AIDS in the world and we'd be saying that it didn't exist, for example.

There is a saying, "The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence." The fact is, there are ZERO studies on MLC to determine whether it exists or not. There is much research on many of the symptoms of MLC though that are a useful starting point for those of us whose spouses have a common cluster of symptoms.

Are you that dense to not understand that our spouses may have a disease that is actually similar to your husband's but different in its nature and causes?

May I suggest, bvFTD, that you might find better support in a forum devoted to your husband's disease? Try this:
https://www.ftdsupportforum.com/


HE, your husband may or may not be having an MLC, but I agree with the poster that says your husband has a habit of cheating on you. Unless the first incident of it was an MLC that was cut short and never resolved. Otherwise, I would say MLC or not, it may be a case of a leopard being unable to change its spots.

[Thunder]

Hi Hope,

I'm sorry you are going through this.
It's very possible your H is going through a MLC, but even if he is just a serial cheater the advice on this site can still be applied.

Please read as much as you can.  The articles are wonderful and will help you feel you are not alone and also give you some insight into how he is thinking and/or why he is doing what he is doing.

A MLC takes a long time to recover from, so try the best you can to detach from him.

This is a site for Midlife Crisis information.  Not a site about FTD.
Don't let anyone confuse you, Hope.

Keep posting and sharing your story.  There is always someone around to support you.

Big Hug

[xyzcf]

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Re: Is this mlc? Having a rough time..
« Reply #7 on: Today at 07:41:04 PM »
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LotsofHope:

First off, do not try to keep yourself busy when you are traumatized and in despair. You may be in shock. Once you've recovered read up on frontotemporal dementia, a common type of disorder that tends to strike people in their 40s to 60s.

Your husband is of the age.
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[bvFTD]

Old Pilot:

The best support, and the most comfort your site can offer, is to alert traumatized people who stumble on here that their spouse, soulmate and best friend of however many decades could be seriously ill.

I read a thread here that asked why "Midlife Crisis" wasn't medically recognized. It is! But it has a different name, and once a mass, stroke and psychiatric disorders are ruled out, we have ftd. 

[NorthernIce28]

Is it possible that MLC could be something as simple as a person realizing they are getting older and having lots of regrets?  Could it be that the person was stuck emotionally in childhood because of an event and midlife triggers it because it is a transition from young to old age?


Why does it have to be a medical problem?