Skip to main content

Poll

Which LBS Stage do you think you are mostly at now? (pick main one)

Denial (shock, confusion)
1 (1.7%)
Bargaining (trying to figure out why, planning, adjusting)
1 (1.7%)
Anger (fear, resentment)
3 (5.1%)
Depression (despair, exhaustion)
13 (22%)
Acceptance (detachment, calm, control)
33 (55.9%)
Renewal
8 (13.6%)

Total Members Voted: 59

Voting closed: October 27, 2017, 04:41:15 AM

Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 16  All   Go Down

Author Topic: Discussion LBS Stages

S
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 485
  • Gender: Female
Discussion Re: LBS Stages
#10: September 28, 2017, 06:12:28 AM
I still am struggling with all of the above. 
  • Logged
Me: 43
One who abandoned : 43
Married: 19, Together: 20
D22, D19, D18

BD: May 6, 2017
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12740
  • Gender: Female
Re: LBS Stages
#11: September 28, 2017, 08:08:10 AM
Saving - we all cycle too, it's normal. My gut (and 2 years of experience as a really slow learner) is that the stages pull us into different struggles and goals. And different things help.

So, in Denial, and the shock/anxiety that goes with it, I think we get pulled into a mixture of almost obsessive thinking/questioning, over-emotional reactions and a sort of frozen traumatic shock. The goal is probably something about safety, about finding a small bit of reality to stand on. What helps? Living in the minute/hour/day. Focusing on our body as much as we can - food, sleep, exercise. Just dealing with the right now, because the past has been blown up and the future is scary. Being as kind as we can to ourselves as we can. Feeling heard and seen (and most of us have done the inappropriate sharing - thank Go for the kindness of strangers!)

What doesn't help? (but we do anyway) is trying to find answers or fix it. Or use our mind-reading powers. Jumping into action. Emails. Texts. Emotional knee-jerk stuff.

It needs an almost super-human amount of effort to try to pull our heads away from our MLCers or find ways to shut the noise down in our heads. Trying to slow everything down and breathe. Anything that balances the fight/flight response is good but hard.

In my experience now when I dip back into it, it is a paler version and I can let it run for a bit and climb out. I couldn't do that when I was in the grip of that first stage. It was overwhelming.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12740
  • Gender: Female
Re: LBS Stages
#12: September 28, 2017, 08:14:02 AM
I also found that different phrases helped at different stages (even if I didn't always quite believe them!) In Denial, I think it was 'today was sh*t, tomorrow I can try again' and "this too shall pass". And the infamous 'baby steps are ok'.

In Bargaining, probably "It is what it is" and "I didn't cause it and I can't fix it". Plus the Serenity Prayer!

What helped everyone else at the Denial stage? What didn't?
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 28, 2017, 08:23:33 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg
S
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 485
  • Gender: Female
Re: LBS Stages
#13: September 28, 2017, 08:31:31 AM
Quote
What doesn't help? (but we do anyway) is trying to find answers or fix it. Or use our mind-reading powers. Jumping into action. Emails. Texts. Emotional knee-jerk stuff.

It needs an almost super-human amount of effort to try to pull our heads away from our MLCers or find ways to shut the noise down in our heads. Trying to slow everything down and breathe. Anything that balances the fight/flight response is good but hard.

In my experience now when I dip back into it, it is a paler version and I can let it run for a bit and climb out. I couldn't do that when I was in the grip of that first stage. It was overwhelming.

 :-\ SO ME!!!  I feel that if I am nice enough that he will realize that I am worth keeping.  I cannot get away from wanting to see him, but I know I am much better off not.  I have found a happy place before and know one exists for me.  I guess I am still too fresh into this event to turn my give a damn off completely.
  • Logged
Me: 43
One who abandoned : 43
Married: 19, Together: 20
D22, D19, D18

BD: May 6, 2017
p
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 885
  • Gender: Female
  • Deserted on 2/18/17
Re: LBS Stages
#14: September 28, 2017, 08:42:03 AM
You don't need to turn your give a damn off completely.  You just need to put it in a shoe box and store it up in the closet in the attic.
  • Logged
:(
Me 53
H 58
No kids
known each other 29 years
Married on 10/19/1991
BD 2/18/17
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 16546
  • Gender: Female
Re: LBS Stages
#15: September 28, 2017, 05:01:15 PM
Ask the mods if they can step up one more question. From what I remember, it was possible to have more than 5.

I stick with stage 6. If there are 6 stages and some of us are on stage 6, chosing stage 5 will make the percentages wrong.
  • Logged
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)
  • *****
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 13334
  • Gender: Male
Re: LBS Stages
#16: September 28, 2017, 07:15:23 PM
Quote from: Anjae on September 28, 2017, 05:01:15 PM
Ask the mods if they can step up one more question. From what I remember, it was possible to have more than 5.

I stick with stage 6. If there are 6 stages and some of us are on stage 6, chosing stage 5 will make the percentages wrong.

Good call

I changed it!

Although apparently I can't change my vote
  • Logged
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12740
  • Gender: Female
Re: LBS Stages
#17: September 28, 2017, 10:17:27 PM
Sorry - my bad! Can the mods take 2 from Acceptance & add 2 to Renewal?
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg
  • *****
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 13334
  • Gender: Male
Re: LBS Stages
#18: September 29, 2017, 04:39:58 AM
Quote from: Treasur on September 28, 2017, 10:17:27 PM
Sorry - my bad! Can the mods take 2 from Acceptance & add 2 to Renewal?
Uh no we can not change the results - however I lengthened the time of the poll
  • Logged
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1425
  • Gender: Male
  • Lord, give me patience, but please hurry!
Re: LBS Stages
#19: September 29, 2017, 04:43:14 AM
But we can remove poll and make new one and people then could vote again ?
  • Logged
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 16  All   Go Up
 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.