[Which LBS Stage do you think you are mostly at now? (pick main one)]

Which LBS Stage do you think you are mostly at now? (pick main one)

Denial (shock, confusion)

1 (1.7%)

Bargaining (trying to figure out why, planning, adjusting)

1 (1.7%)

Anger (fear, resentment)

3 (5.1%)

Depression (despair, exhaustion)

13 (22%)

Acceptance (detachment, calm, control)

33 (55.9%)

Renewal

8 (13.6%)

Total Members Voted: 59

Voting closed: October 27, 2017, 04:41:15 AM

[Treasur]

You know, it just rubs me the wrong way that we are being asked to describe our "problem." Call it a challenge, call it anything else, but this to me feels like an exercise in looking at the glass half empty and I don't find it helpful at all toward dealing with this MLC.

I get that, G. I think pick the word you want really. The idea is based on solution-focused therapy helping to get unstuck from why and move towards the hows and whats where we can make progress. Same sort of trial and error approach that folks talk about in responding to our MLCer really. I guess it isn't about dealing with MLC? It's about dealing with the effect on us of having to deal with MLC in our lives?

[Treasur]

Treasur, I imagine you are better than you were a month ago. And then you  be bit better next month. You are doing a good job looking for a healing process that works for you!!!
We all learn coping skills from each other. That’s why we are here!!! Being open to new ideas will help you take the baby steps forward.
You have asked a bunch of questions I am better at answering one at a time. On how often it happens is daily. Truly hourly. My big question is why can’t I turn it off? Where is that magic switch???

If you had a magic switch, what would you be doing differently? What would that look like? Who else would notice?

[Mortesbride]

If I had a magic switch someone will jump out and tell me this has all been a sick prank. They were testing me...my loyalty, honesty, strength...whatever.

Reality is...I am pretty sure it isn't a prank. 

So I have just kept to focusing on my tasks. Keep myself busy. Remind myself my best friend isn't at home right now. And avoid things that trigger me for now, so I don't reach out to him. Because he is no longer able to help me.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

If my problem were resolved the emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and pain that I feel would be replaced by optimism and enthusiasm and I would be looking forward to another day instead of dreading it.

[Anjae]

If my problem were resolved the emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and pain that I feel would be replaced by optimism and enthusiasm and I would be looking forward to another day instead of dreading it.

Really? What problems Brain? Your wife being in MLC and had divorced you? I don't want to downplayed those things, they are huge and everyone here has a spouse in MLC and many have found themselves divorced or had to divorce.

But if you are wanting/expecting/desiring for external issues to solve the emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and pain that you feel, I think you are looking into the wrong direction.

I know you and other in a similar situation don't really like it when you are asked why do you feel so negative/sad, because, unlike several here, you have children (grandchildren), money, a job, a house, etc. How come some of who have nothing of it, or only a few of it, are loving life and those of you who have it all (minus the spouse, but that is the same for all of us) feel so miserable, sad or don't have much of a lust for life?

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Anjae, I don't think you've been reading my posts. I don't think I wrote that my wife having an MLC is my problem. I believe I wrote that the emotional pain, emptiness, and loneliness I've experienced since then is my problem. Thanks for telling me that I shouldn't feel the way that I do. That's very helpful. I'll put my mask back on and keep my thoughts to myself.

But if you are wanting/expecting/desiring for external issues to solve the emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and pain that you feel, I think you are looking into the wrong direction.

I've been seeing a therapist for my depression for 3 years now. What direction do you think I've been looking?

How come some of who have nothing of it, or only a few of it, are loving life and those of you who have it all (minus the spouse, but that is the same for all of us) feel so miserable, sad or don't have much of a lust for life?

If I'm reading this question correctly, it says that we who "have it all" shouldn't feel sad, but can't you see that those are external things? They don't solve the sadness, emptiness, and loneliness and they don't make the pain go away. MLCers don't seem to understand that but surely an LBS should.

At least now I know that I can still experience anger. 

[Treasur]

If I had a magic switch someone will jump out and tell me this has all been a sick prank. They were testing me...my loyalty, honesty, strength...whatever.

Reality is...I am pretty sure it isn't a prank. 

So I have just kept to focusing on my tasks. Keep myself busy. Remind myself my best friend isn't at home right now. And avoid things that trigger me for now, so I don't reach out to him. Because he is no longer able to help me.

So it sounds as if you 'better' would be waking up to a busy day with no triggers? What does that look like? What can you do, or not do, to make days like that?

[Treasur]

If my problem were resolved the emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and pain that I feel would be replaced by optimism and enthusiasm and I would be looking forward to another day instead of dreading it.

Ok - everyone breathe and take a step back...
We are all entitled to feel what we feel. And pain and sorrow are not a competitive sport last time I looked!
Focusing on solutions is not about denying the pain or the challenge, it's about finding small ways to think and act differently in spite of the pain and the challenge. It's about 1% better is good enough sometimes.

Going back to what you said, Brain, you would feel optimistic and be enthusiastically looking forward to the day ahead right? So, again just focusing on facts, behaviours and you, what would that look like if I was a fly on your wall? What would you be doing or not doing? Who else would notice and what would they see?

[Mortesbride]

That is a tough question. It is pretty much impossible not to have some sort of trigger through the day.

Songs from our bands on the radio, looking at yahoo to see Walking dead has started...knowing we have watched every episode since it began together. Seeing his coffee cup still sitting on the little cup holder, going into my new wardrobe we built for two...that now serves one. Our big king size bed, that is now just mine. Triggers are impossible to avoid really.

I seem to have desensitised to the more routine ones (the bed, the closet, the cup). I still see them and get a bit sad and think about it, but it isn't as bad as it was a few weeks ago. But I still can't watch 'our' shows, or 'our' songs, or do things we did together.

The other day the song ''Killing strangers'' came on. It has a line something like ''Killing strangers so we dont kill the ones that we love'' and that triggered an imagine of him and OW, in a PA, because in my brain it associated that line with what he is doing as a MLC. That sent me into floods of tears for ages.

Wasn't really a song that was ours, it was random, just came on. But it was so apt to the situation.

[Not Applicable]

I don't know the song you are talking about but that line describes exactly what I KNOW my H is doing. He's taking out his issues that involve awful behavior on her so as to not take them out on me.