Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding CrazyTrain Update  (Read 3363 times)

Offline CrazyTrainTopic starter

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My Story Rebuilding Re: CrazyTrain Update
« Reply #10 on: December 01, 2017, 05:02:43 PM »
HI everyone!  I'm so sorry I missed your posts.  I am not getting the notifications when someone posts on my thread.  I'll have to check that out on my end.   ???

RB:  I still have some issues, for sure.  Just like Slow Fade said, the betrayal by the person we thought would never betray us really does a number on us.  But...I do know this, it was real when he agreed to go to church with me to get our new wedding rings blessed.  That was huge for him.  That alone showed me he was invested in this as much as I was/am.  It meant so much to me. 

The one thing about trust that I have learned for me is this:  If there is something going that I don't know about, eventually I will find out about it.  Somehow, it always comes around.  The truth has a way of making itself known.  Trust in that, RB.  And trust in yourself.  If something doesn't feel right or gives you uneasy vibes, trust yourself and what you are feeling.  Free your mind and your heart by giving it over to the Universe, God, Buddah, or whomever or whatever.  Listen to that nagging voice or the feeling in the pit of your stomach.  Trust that.  It will never steer you wrong. 

Acorn:
This generous inclusivenesson of MLCer towards their spouses is rather fascinating as Mae commented.  ‘We grew apart’,  ‘We need space’, ‘We need to figure out why’, ‘We need to fix’, and the list goes on and on.  MLCers’ tendency to share with us in this context is rather astonishing.  One way of lessening the oppressive feelings of guilt?

Yes, I believe it is exactly some way of relieving their guilt, or sharing their guilt.  Sorry, but I'm not going to admit to something or agree with any "we" statement.  Own your guilt.  Leave me out of it.

Mae, KIT, Anjae, Slow Fade, No Expectations, Thunder and 31:  Thank you all for your encouragement!  It truly means a lot to me. 

We still have things we are working through.  I found out before Thanksgiving that Voldemort's marriage has hit the skids.  Notice my surprise.  ::)  Anyway, turns out the dude she married is still married to his first wife.  Huh..imagine that..he was married.  Apparently, his divorce did not go through for lack of service, and his lawsuit was dismissed.  Which means, he is still married and his "marriage" to Voldemort is invalid.  Oh shucks... Anyway, I decided that I needed to talk about this with Mr. CT just in case she tried to contact him to see where he was at.  Which I wouldn't put it past her to do.  So when I brought it up, all I said was that I had heard that her marriage wasn't working and if she tried to contact Mr. CT, I would hope that he would tell me if she did.  He got a little upset at first and asked me why do I keep bringing this stuff up, and all I said was that I would hope he would tell me if she tried to contact him.  He said that he was not interested in talking with her and he didn't think she would try to contact him anyway.  He said, "I thought we had moved past all of this."  I told him, "I would like to think we are moving past it. However, when I hear things like this, it scares me and I feel insecure."  He told me that he understood why I would feel like that, but he is very happy where we were at right now and where we were going in our relationship, and he was not at all interested in anything regarding her.  I just said "thank you."  It was reassuring to me to hear him say that. 

Other than that little exchange, I think we are handling things fairly well.  We talk a lot, and about everything.  It's very nice to feel like partners again.  And he wants us to look into buying a home together after the first of the year.  That's encouraging also.  Where before he said that he would never own a home again.  So things are progressing slowly.  I"m still taking it all one day at a time.

Thanksgiving was wonderful.  I hope everyone else had a lovely holiday as well.  We hosted at our house this year, as my mom went to Texas to spend the holiday with my sister.  Everything was delicious and it all turned out so good.  There was drama either.  D28 had left before S27 and his family showed up.  So drama diverted there.  It was really nice.  If I don't have anything with turkey or ham in it for a while, I will be good.   ;D

Time to head home.  I will try to fix my settings so I get my notifications.  Hmmm...

Mucho love ~
CT  8)     

"I am a woman who only asked that I be treated fairly and with respect."
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowlege Him, and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
"Its hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but its harder to give up when you know its everything you want." – Unknown

Offline Mae

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Re: CrazyTrain Update
« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2017, 06:08:56 PM »
Hi CT,

You sound very good and settled. I know that reconciliation can be as rocky, if not more so, than when you were apart and trying to deal with his crisis. But you seem quite content with how things are between you and your H. The only thing I would comment on is his defensiveness and being upset about you bringing OW up in conversation. His concern (in my mind) should have been being able to reassure you. Kind of hints at rug sweeping to me, but you don't seem to be bothered about anything, so things must be going well. I hope they continue in this fashion.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: CrazyTrain Update
« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2017, 09:33:09 PM »
Lovely to hear about another reconciliation CT, I wish you all the best.

It is wonderful for us 'old timers' to hear things are truly repairable given time and effort.

Is your H the same as the old H or is he an H with improvements as we often hear?

(((((((Hugs)))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Slow Fade

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Re: CrazyTrain Update
« Reply #13 on: December 04, 2017, 12:56:49 PM »
Quote
The only thing I would comment on is his defensiveness and being upset about you bringing OW up in conversation. His concern (in my mind) should have been being able to reassure you. Kind of hints at rug sweeping to me, but you don't seem to be bothered about anything, so things must be going well. I hope they continue in this fashion.
My husband does this too. I don't see it as rug sweeping as much as guilt. They just want to forget the pain they put us through. CT was right to voice her concerns and he responded as best as he could. Just one foot in front of the other......
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline BBhelp

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Re: CrazyTrain Update
« Reply #14 on: December 04, 2017, 01:07:00 PM »
Quote
The only thing I would comment on is his defensiveness and being upset about you bringing OW up in conversation. His concern (in my mind) should have been being able to reassure you. Kind of hints at rug sweeping to me, but you don't seem to be bothered about anything, so things must be going well. I hope they continue in this fashion.
My husband does this too. I don't see it as rug sweeping as much as guilt. They just want to forget the pain they put us through. CT was right to voice her concerns and he responded as best as he could. Just one foot in front of the other......

Totally Agree SF.  The uneasiness my wife had about talking about the past had little to do with her...she couldn't feel worse.  She said it was about the look on my face and the hurt in my eyes...even when I tried to hide it.  She saw it and it was just another shot.  That said...she would answer when I wanted to ask about something...she would just always say "I don't want to hurt you more".

CT...keep on chugging.  It does get easier!  Stay Strong

BB 
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: CrazyTrain Update
« Reply #15 on: December 05, 2017, 05:29:22 AM »
My H's favorite line was  " I don't want to go there any more"!!!

Problem was every once in a while I truly needed to!   I understood him "not wanting to go there"  but what was even better was he understood my need to know.  Eventually he was willing to talk when I needed and sometimes knowing he would talk and answer was all I needed! Sometimes then I actually didn't NEED to talk about it!

(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline BBhelp

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Re: CrazyTrain Update
« Reply #16 on: December 05, 2017, 08:53:02 AM »
My H's favorite line was  " I don't want to go there any more"!!!

Problem was every once in a while I truly needed to!   I understood him "not wanting to go there"  but what was even better was he understood my need to know.  Eventually he was willing to talk when I needed and sometimes knowing he would talk and answer was all I needed! Sometimes then I actually didn't NEED to talk about it!

(hugs)
31

Ditto and very well said.
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline Mae

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Re: CrazyTrain Update
« Reply #17 on: December 05, 2017, 09:22:34 AM »
My H's favorite line was  " I don't want to go there any more"!!!

Problem was every once in a while I truly needed to!   I understood him "not wanting to go there"  but what was even better was he understood my need to know.  Eventually he was willing to talk when I needed and sometimes knowing he would talk and answer was all I needed! Sometimes then I actually didn't NEED to talk about it!

(hugs)
31

Ditto and very well said.

Yes 31, the need to 'go there', sometimes it IS just about their willingness to talk and answer.  That one thing actually means a lot.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Offline CrazyTrainTopic starter

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Re: CrazyTrain Update
« Reply #18 on: December 27, 2017, 04:47:16 PM »
Hey everyone!  I hope this finds everyone well, and that your Christmas was a beautiful one! 

Mae:  Trust me, I am not letting Mr. CT sweep anything under the rug!  He may have been defensive, but as Slow Fade said, it was more about him feeling guilty.  And BBhelp hit it right on the head, Mr. CT doesn't want to hurt me anymore, so he would rather not talk about it.  However, he knows that I will have questions from time to time, and he has told me on numerous occasions that he will answer my questions.  Those questions are few and far between anymore.  If a question does arise, I usually think about it before I ask him.  Do I really want to know?  Will this take us backwards, or will it help us to continue to move forward?  I really do think about that. 

Savior Fare:  Mr. CT is a more improved man than he was before.  He is still the same in a lot of aspects, but then there are other aspects where he has softened, not so sharp around the edges.  The kids think he is still the same.  LOL  However, I can tell the difference.  He is more forthcoming with an apology than he was before.  If he does something that bothers me, he will apologize for it.  Something he wouldn't have done before.

It's still one day at a time for me.  I still get twinges every now and again.  You know, the feeling of how did this happen?  But it's usually gone in a matter of minutes.  I did have some thoughts early on in our reconciliation of "do I really want to do this?"  And I really had to think about it.  Mr. CT showed me on more than one occasion that he was as invested in this as I was.  That made the difference to me.  His actions.  Words don't cut it for me anymore.  Actions.  Show me you mean it.  And he has, numerous times. 

Christmas was lovely.  We got to spend time with all the children and grandchildren, and my Mother.  It was full of laughter and love.  God has blessed us beyond measure. 

I wish everyone a very Happy New Year!!

Hugs ~
CT  8) 
"I am a woman who only asked that I be treated fairly and with respect."
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowlege Him, and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
"Its hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but its harder to give up when you know its everything you want." – Unknown

Offline Gigielle

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Re: CrazyTrain Update
« Reply #19 on: December 27, 2017, 05:01:05 PM »
Attaching. I love reading stories like this, it gives me something to look forward to!
M: 42
H: 41
D: 17 S: 16 - both ours
Married 09.19.98 (19 years)
DB #1: 08.18.17-EA (ended)
DB #2: 09.23.17-ILYBNILWY
Still at Home-Never Left

My Previous Thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9452.0

*"This is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder, unstoppable and this year, I will be fierce."

*The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming." -Romans 8.18

 

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