Author Topic: Interacting with Your MLCer Setting the Boundary with a Clinging Boomerang-Your Experiences  (Read 1514 times)

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starterTopic starter

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Interacting with Your MLCer Setting the Boundary with a Clinging Boomerang-Your Experiences
« on: October 21, 2017, 03:25:23 AM »
I've been toying the last few days with finally setting a firm boundary with my clinging boomerang.

I've read RCR's article about establishing reassurance ( http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/communication/establishing-reassurance/ ) and I feel I have finally reached that point. Especially since this morning my husband came and suddenly gave me a strong hug, a kiss on the head and said, "Thank you." He hasn't done anything like this in ages. I asked him, "What was that for?" He told me two reasons: One was because at that moment I was doing something that I realize had always had been a bone of contention between us throughout our marriage and was one of the reasons he gave for OW. The second was something he had hoped to find in OW, but it is turning out she is not like that and I have become like that as his MLC has progressed. In other words, I could tell he came out of the fog long enough to realize that I have become what he wants and she isn't what he thought she was. He didn't mention her of course but I understood the implications because especially the latter is something I have been giving him truth darts about recently and stressing the difference between me and her and his mother.

He's also hitting all the other points in the article as well. In addition, there is a sort of time urgency (yes I know MLC is on its own time but...) as the relationship with OW is at a stalled point right now that weakens her attraction, and in a month or two that could be undone and there's a risk at that point of us getting stuck in a bad situation forever, so I feel the time is right to strike while the iron is hot.

So now I am moving toward the boundary setting: http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/communication/fear-of-loss-boundary-setting-and-enforcement/

No, it's not the boundary of if you choose to be with OW, you can't be with me, that's not going to be as effective as something else short of it, which likely in turn, will make him seriously question keeping OW in his life. It's something he has been acting very entitled about lately but also is very fearful about and I know it is something that already has caused him to fight with OW and a further boundary will likely cause him to attack her more. It also is something I can pitch as beneficial to us both. It's a boundary I can control too.

So I would like to hear the experiences of anyone who has reached this point and set a boundary of any kind with your clinging boomerang. How did you communicate it? What was his/her immediate reaction? How did you deal with that reaction? What was their long term reaction? Any insight would be appreciated.


« Last Edit: January 16, 2018, 07:51:36 AM by OldPilot »
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline waiting4

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Re: Setting the Boundary with a Clinging Boomerang-Your Experiences
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2017, 07:33:50 AM »
Thank you so much for sharing this.. I love that you are being so open with how things are going with your H .. I am trying to move forward in the right way and I am especially trying so hard to use this time wisely. I love my H  and simply want/ need to take care of myself while also  paving the way home  and leaving the door open to him to return .. Thank you again.. I have been reading your story, and I'm following.. sending you a huge{{{ HUG}}}
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline waiting4

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Re: Setting the Boundary with a Clinging Boomerang-Your Experiences
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2017, 07:37:41 AM »
I've been toying the last few days with finally setting a firm boundary with my clinging boomerang.

I've read RCR's article about establishing reassurance ( http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/communication/establishing-reassurance/ ) and I feel I have finally reached that point. Especially since this morning my husband came and suddenly gave me a strong hug, a kiss on the head and said, "Thank you." He hasn't done anything like this in ages. I asked him, "What was that for?" He told me two reasons: One was because at that moment I was doing something that I realize had always had been a bone of contention between us throughout our marriage and was one of the reasons he gave for OW. The second was something he had hoped to find in OW, but it is turning out she is not like that and I have become like that as his MLC has progressed. In other words, I could tell he came out of the fog long enough to realize that I have become what he wants and she isn't what he thought she was. He didn't mention her of course but I understood the implications because especially the latter is something I have been giving him truth darts about recently and stressing the difference between me and her and his mother.

He's also hitting all the other points in the article as well. In addition, there is a sort of time urgency (yes I know MLC is on its own time but...) as the relationship with OW is at a stalled point right now that weakens her attraction, and in a month or two that could be undone and there's a risk at that point of us getting stuck in a bad situation forever, so I feel the time is right to strike while the iron is hot.

So now I am moving toward the boundary setting: http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/communication/fear-of-loss-boundary-setting-and-enforcement/

No, it's not the boundary of if you choose to be with OW, you can't be with me, that's not going to be as effective as something else short of it, which likely in turn, will make him seriously question keeping OW in his life. It's something he has been acting very entitled about lately but also is very fearful about and I know it is something that already has caused him to fight with OW and a further boundary will likely cause him to attack her more. It also is something I can pitch as beneficial to us both. It's a boundary I can control too.

So I would like to hear the experiences of anyone who has reached this point and set a boundary of any kind with your clinging boomerang. How did you communicate it? What was his/her immediate reaction? How did you deal with that reaction? What was their long term reaction? Any insight would be appreciated.

Why do you think the relationship with OW has stalled? what gives you that impression?
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Setting the Boundary with a Clinging Boomerang-Your Experiences
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2017, 07:50:10 AM »
Because she's not giving him what he expected out of the relationship and it may never happen, but it is at a point where it can't happen at all during the next month or two, so his focus is on her other faults at the moment, one of which is related to the thing I want to put a boundary on.

Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline Absolutely Fabulous

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Re: Setting the Boundary with a Clinging Boomerang-Your Experiences
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2017, 07:31:28 PM »
Since I'm divorced I can tell you that setting boundaries in the beginning is extremely hard. Mine cycled so many times that it was dizzying. The anchor checking is endless. Next month it'll be 2 years since the divorce, and no it hasn't stopped. He just recently dragged me into court ( 2 weeks ago ) over child support because I went completely no contact for 8 months.

They don't respect boundaries and the only way you can deal with them is either strict dim and dark ( if they still live with you, or you have kids ), or no contact if they have left and live with someone else. Even with no contact, he still managed to take me to court. It was a total waste of time, and he lost more than he gained.

Is this the end of my ordeal? Hardly, I give him a few more months before he tries something else. The only thing you can do is what works for you. In my experience they will continue to cling, especially if they have someone else. I have no idea why, but mine still is. I'm divorced and done, but he told my oldest daughter that I'm still trying to get back together with him. This is script, and probably to keep the OW/AD in check. I'm out of the drama. I don't engage, but you can't ignore a court order.

I don't engage, it's the only way that I could move forward and stay detached.
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Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Setting the Boundary with a Clinging Boomerang-Your Experiences
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2017, 12:47:32 AM »
I'm interested in boundaries as part of standing, not as part of keeping a spouse you don't want to have anything to do with away. They are two totally different goals and desired outcomes and clearly you can set a boundary anytime if you want to be rid of them but if you want to reconcile, it's a whole different game
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline Wonder no more

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Re: Setting the Boundary with a Clinging Boomerang-Your Experiences
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2017, 04:51:00 AM »
A boundary is for YOU when something the MLCer is doing is not longer tolerable or is cake eating or is causing YOU too much pain.  It will not work if it is something to move him along or cause problems in the OW relationship.  With Clinging boomerangs boundaries often don't work well anyway.  In my experience, nothing I did or said effected the ending of OW relationship except going dim when I was so tired of trying to make it work with my H.  I was withdrawing (not faking it) and that's when he had only her and it started to unravel.  It still took a very long time with multiple breakups to stick.  Sometimes boundaries can also push the MLCer farther away from you but it is necessary in many cases dues to the pain they are causing. I only suggest you think of the true reason you want to set a boundary with him.  Only you know the real reason that you are thinking about setting one.

I think it's great to read all the articles, stages, etc. but in my experience I had little control over the crisis. But I did learn I had control over me to change, grow and heal.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Setting the Boundary with a Clinging Boomerang-Your Experiences
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2017, 05:58:23 AM »
I agree, Wonder.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Setting the Boundary with a Clinging Boomerang-Your Experiences
« Reply #8 on: October 27, 2017, 05:51:12 AM »
I wanted to share my experience setting my boundary and the result I got.

First off, I want to say we have reached a point in replay where the tables had been turning on OW lately. I can't say he was really moving back toward me too much, but he was a lot less monstering toward me and almost dumped her several times. So we are past the replay hump.

The boundary is something that I could set and he really couldn't counteract. I tied it to the presence of OW. I told him as long as OW is around, don't expect me to do this anymore. I told him that was my decision and I was firm in it. the conversation ranged beyond the boundary to other related topics including something that has been a bone of contention between us for years (not the same issue I mentioned in the previous post above), even before BD, but which has been made worse and more urgent for me by his MLC. What was distinctive about this conversation is we both were calm and both listened to eachother without getting angry. He didn't have much new to say that I hadn't heard before but he allowed me to vent on topics he previously shut me down about. He proposed several possible "solutions" to the situation all of which were unacceptable and had been proposed by him before. I told him this.

The next morning he wanted to talk. He wanted to propose some more "solutions" and told me if I didn't accept one of them he would expect me to keep my mouth shut on the subject forever. I told him I didn't want to hear any of them as I was not going to be threatened and that all I wanted to do was tell him my boundary. I held my ground but then he mentioned that he felt GUILTY about the situation and he wanted to find a solution so he didn't have to hear me talk about the REALITY of the situation again like I had the night before. I told him I did not want him to feel forced into anything and he said he wasn't and finally I relented and let him propose his solutions.

Well believe it or not, the issue that had been plaguing us for years is what he proposed a solution for. And it was actually a solution that we had discussed many years ago and as soon as he said it I told him I accepted it and that it was the best solution and I meant that and I have always felt it was the most fair solution. He said he would do it for me, even behind his mother's back (as it is something she would likely reject as it sort of counteracts a promise he made to her 10 years ago) He told me he had a condition, that he didn't want me to ever bring up the stuff that made him feel guilty about again, that he wanted my forgiveness now and on judgment day. I told him I would, as it was something that I had allowed him to do even though I regretted it later. I told him I would not mention it again unless HE raised it (as I expect as he moves along further in the MLC he may still express remorse about it). He asked me to swear an oath and I asked him to do so first and he did and then I did.

After that he asked me about my boundary again. He said he didn't want to raise it before he proposed his solution so that I didn't think he was putting a condition on me. I told him for now the boundary still stands. I think he was a bit disappointed but he accepted it. When he actually fulfills his promise, I will be in a position where I will feel comfortable relaxing the boundary, but I didn't give him that detail now.

OW? Well that's an issue for another day. From something he said it's clear the childhood issue that drew him to her is still foremost in his mind, but that's what one expects, and really he is following script exactly as HB describes in this article:
https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/returning-back-the-first-awakening/
« Last Edit: October 27, 2017, 05:57:23 AM by GonerinGhana »
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline Cold River

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Re: Setting the Boundary with a Clinging Boomerang-Your Experiences
« Reply #9 on: October 27, 2017, 07:34:25 AM »
I see what you're saying GIG

This looks like the time to start being firm with H to you. It does sound like you are also concerned about a time table with OW so to you its like now is my chance( if I'm reading that right) and involves issues pre BD.

IDK when I read through these articles I really look for how they apply to where I am at with W. I don't believe we are past the assurance phase and I am sucking at the moment of having good dim boundries in place for myself. I give her the inch and it turns into a mile. Now I'm irritated with her and disappointed with myself. I keep having to coach myself on how to live with her. Speak about what is only necessary(that's a part of my step back) and let her figure crap out for herself without being "tough" like they say in the link. How do you do that?

What I am seeing is the more distance I keep between us the better i feel but the more I entertain her nonsense the worse I feel. I struggle with that line everyday.

I think though if you're seeing this as the time to do it then do it. Don't be concerned about OW as a part of it. You need to do it for you and if H is out of the fog enough to be receptive, then why not? I am not the one to give advice. I'm just saying that's how I read that in the article and what you're saying about your situation.

I have boundaries that I need to reaffirm by going more dim. Gotta stop helping her and entertaining her anchor checks....this stuff gets so tiring, really. And I know I still have more mistakes to make as I go.

M37
W41
DD20,15
SS11,11
BD 8/17 W says guy online is her bf, I'm her H but he is he bf
BD 9/17 found EA's multiple OM
BD 10/3/17 W still invloved EA's
BD 10/7/17ILYBINILWY refused to give up affairs
12/8/17 I was removed from home(bogus protection order) no contact with kids or MLCer
1/8/18 1st hearing. No contact with MLCer, supervised visitation with kids.
1/29/18 restrictions on me for kids removed. MLCer instructed to file for divorce. Judge to MLCer:"this is not DV, you need a divorce!"
2/6/18 I filed for divorce
2/12/18 MLCer no-show to hearing. Protection order dismissed.

Offline Not Your MonkeyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Setting the Boundary with a Clinging Boomerang-Your Experiences
« Reply #10 on: October 27, 2017, 07:55:07 AM »
I was seeing reassurance expressed as arrogance in him that I would do whatever he wanted with regards to the specific issue over the last couple weeks. Several really nasty incidents but I also could tell he was doing something he didn't want to do at the same time, if that makes sense. In fact, when I set my boundary he said he was happy I had done so, even though at some level he is disappointed I am sure. 

However, it was something small that set me over the edge yesterday and I realized his judgment was so impaired at the moment that I could not wait any longer for him to continue to act so stupidly. I was reaching a point where I could not even look him in the eye and stand to be around him I was so irritated by his self-entitlement that I felt I had to say something or risk hating him and I didn't want to reach that point.

I basically told him he had made choices that forced me to make choices. That he had turned my life upside down and I needed to do this for my own security. I gave him a chance to do the right thing to restore that security and he did. Inside him I know there is this core person who never wanted to do what he has done and yet he did it, and I think somehow I reached that person yesterday.

Distance is good and it has helped us get to where we are now actually. Monster died down when I put distance between us. Your spouse isn't who they were and really you aren't missing much when you distance yourself.

Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Setting the Boundary with a Clinging Boomerang-Your Experiences
« Reply #11 on: October 27, 2017, 08:19:19 AM »
"Your spouse isn't who they were and really you aren't missing much when you distance yourself."

Bravo!  You are so spot on right!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Cold River

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Re: Setting the Boundary with a Clinging Boomerang-Your Experiences
« Reply #12 on: October 27, 2017, 08:34:53 AM »
I was seeing reassurance expressed as arrogance in him that I would do whatever he wanted with regards to the specific issue over the last couple weeks. Several really nasty incidents but I also could tell he was doing something he didn't want to do at the same time, if that makes sense. In fact, when I set my boundary he said he was happy I had done so, even though at some level he is disappointed I am sure.  I still think even at this stage they still are mixed up not knowing what makes them happy other then try to g what they want at that moment. Mine definitely is like this.

However, it was something small that set me over the edge yesterday and I realized his judgment was so impaired at the moment that I could not wait any longer for him to continue to act so stupidly. I was reaching a point where I could not even look him in the eye and stand to be around him I was so irritated by his self-entitlement that I felt I had to say something or risk hating him and I didn't want to reach that point.  Yep and as much as I would love to get things off my chest I have to remember its not going to do anything for her or me. I feel like she isn't entitled to anything and if she starts getting to me I have to leave or get away from her.
This is where instead of just doing the "forget it!" like I normally would.  I am being nice and saying I need to go we can talk later. Maybe it will happen maybe it won't. It takes too much from me trying to get through a conversation that I realize won't have any effect. That's me.


I basically told him he had made choices that forced me to make choices. That he had turned my life upside down and I needed to do this for my own security. I gave him a chance to do the right thing to restore that security and he did. Inside him I know there is this core person who never wanted to do what he has done and yet he did it, and I think somehow I reached that person yesterday. For me I have to make my own security.
I cant leave anything for her to do for me. I don't know your situation so that is no judgement. I am under her thumb financially and it threatens alot. I am taking steps to secure that for myself and my kids.
I've talked to the real her a couple times but the MLC takes right back over and will until she gets help and I will stay on the yo-yo if I let myself. I don't want that for me.


Distance is good and it has helped us get to where we are now actually. Monster died down when I put distance between us. Your spouse isn't who they were and really you aren't missing much when you distance yourself.

I looked at the distance at first as its what I gotta do because her monster is going to drive me to my death. I was also very angry with her when I did so I wasn't "nice" either just cold.

No we are not missing anything.

Now the distance is more needed to be able to focus on myself. My kids. My well being. Her presence is a negative force in that right now even if she isn't being the monster. She is a conflict I have no control over. My anger is not near what it was but I need to keep the distance which is where I feel ivw been falling short.
So I try to control what/how she can effect me.
I still have stuff I need to discuss with her about our kids and I do but I also have to wait sometimes to see what kind of head space she is in. AND know the monster to return at anytime. No expectations.
M37
W41
DD20,15
SS11,11
BD 8/17 W says guy online is her bf, I'm her H but he is he bf
BD 9/17 found EA's multiple OM
BD 10/3/17 W still invloved EA's
BD 10/7/17ILYBINILWY refused to give up affairs
12/8/17 I was removed from home(bogus protection order) no contact with kids or MLCer
1/8/18 1st hearing. No contact with MLCer, supervised visitation with kids.
1/29/18 restrictions on me for kids removed. MLCer instructed to file for divorce. Judge to MLCer:"this is not DV, you need a divorce!"
2/6/18 I filed for divorce
2/12/18 MLCer no-show to hearing. Protection order dismissed.

 

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