[How long ago was BD?]

How long ago was BD?

Less than 6 months?

5 (7.8%)

6-12 months?

6 (9.4%)

1-2 years?

13 (20.3%)

2-3 years?

12 (18.8%)

3-4 years?

8 (12.5%)

4-5 years?

8 (12.5%)

More than 5 years?

12 (18.8%)

Total Members Voted: 64

Voting closed: November 28, 2017, 03:59:21 AM

[Treasur]

Wondering what the correlation might be between LBS Stages and how long ago BD was?

[Not Applicable]

I tend to date my BD to 18 months ago. As that is when the serious BD happened. OW was in the picture from 16 months ago, but I actually would date the MLC back to 3 years ago when I got a sort of BD while he was at his cousin's funeral that turned quickly into a denial phase that made me think it was just a passing worry on his part for which we agreed on a solution and that lasted for maybe 15 months and then a few months after we moved in with his mother it turned to anger for a couple months before becoming replay.

Now he seems to be in the latter half of replay where he has started to seriously see the reality of what he has gotten himself into since about 6 months ago.

I've noticed that 3-3.5 years post-BD tends to be when a lot of them start to wake up and turn back toward home.

[Watcher]

My BD was 28 months ago. No changes as she is still in Wallower replay which really isn't replay, that's why I like Escape and Avoid instead, lol. Currently playing the silent treatment/ NC game or is just overtly depressed. IDK. I leave her alone for the most part. She Monstered the other morning but Monster does appear to be slowly dying. I've only been home 6 weeks after a 6 month absence so time will tell. Furthermore, we've only lived together and had contact  for 10 weeks now since Oct 2016.

  The constant rage from 2015/2016 appears to be gone. I either have learned to stop provoking her or she is calming down. Could be both. I'd say she is normal spouse mad at the moment. Unfortunately she just happens to be mad everyday.

[Treasur]

Useful reflections (with the loud caveat and warning about timetables and expectations right?!!!)

With hindsight I think my STBXH was lightly stewing from early 2014 maybe. BD was mid Oct 15. He was a wallower for the first 6 months or so, then had what I now know was a touch-and-go over about 6 weeks. Didn't understand MLC so thought he was getting 'better' and we'd start to figure stuff out together - which is what he said he wanted. Unbeknownst to me, OW was in play from at least Apr 16 and bang - in May he sent a text out of the blue saying he wanted a D. Became full on vanisher then, bit of text Monster spew and looking back at the financial records, his mad Replay stuff started about the same time. Another touch-and go in Sept 16, back to vanisher.

Popped his head up again in June 17 wanting to 'chat' but I needed to say no - too close to the D being final, needed to protect my sanity and my gut said he was still far from cooked. By now, understood a bit more about MLC!

Last couple of months, he's done one big 'thinky' email (although very me-sadz, no choice but to 'move on' stuff but feel bad and confused) and a few responses on practical stuff. In last fortnight or so, a dramatic door slamming disappearance back to silent vanisher (amazing how loud silence can be) but did agree to financials via his L (eventually).

Gut instinct? I think he might be (just) beginning to sidle out of Replay but I expect a) he'll keep running a bit longer b) he'll go sloooow even by MLC standards c) he might be one of those for whom D is part of the necessary 'losses' and things could get much worse for him before they get better. No idea what will happen to him but I won't be around to see it, so I suppose it isn't relevant any longer. My best guess? If I am ever going to hear from him again, it would be 6-12 months down the line after the D. I'm pretty sure he thinks (irregardless of anything I say or do) that I could never forgive him and he has no idea of how to build a return bridge. He might be right - who knows - but most of it is projection of what's in his head because he has never asked. Or he might decide to marry OW...or go bankrupt...or lose his job...or run away and change his name to Griselda...really, I have no clue!

[Not Applicable]

Oops, I made a typo above. The below should be about 6 weeks ago, not 6 months ago.

Now he seems to be in the latter half of replay where he has started to seriously see the reality of what he has gotten himself into since about 6 months ago.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Or he might decide to marry OW...or go bankrupt...or lose his job...or run away and change his name to Griselda...really, I have no clue!

Would that last one be with or without a sex change operation?

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I've noticed that 3-3.5 years post-BD tends to be when a lot of them start to wake up and turn back toward home.

I don't know whether this or true or not. I'd like to believe it is since it's been 3 years and 4 months for me but my wife hasn't shown any signs of waking up and turning back.

I don't know if this is true for all LBSes but I know for me that it's become difficult to believe in a happy ending after passing the 3 year threshold.

[Anjae]

I don't know where I got the ILYBIANILWY, BD for me is the day Mr J left: 11 years and 14 days ago.

I've noticed that 3-3.5 years post-BD tends to be when a lot of them start to wake up and turn back toward home.

Not sure if that is so. That was what was thought when HS was a young site/forum. As the years went by, we start to realise many crisis last far more than 5 years. Even more than 7 seems normal.

It seems to be true that those who return around 3-3.5 and up until 5 years have a better change of reconcilation. Those with shorter and milder crisis seem to reconnect and reconcile more.

Other than that, as HS keeps going on, it looks more and more than many MLC are quite long.

[Ready2Transform]

Actual BD was July 2011. 2009 was when things significantly shifted where there seemed to be an inevitable crash coming. Before that? Always warning signs, since prior to marriage, if I'm being honest. He cycled into depression frequently, with dissatisfaction in circumstances like job, his family, his spiritual life, and general direction in life never being far from the surface. The happy times were really happy and hopeful, but I can see now these were just cycles too. 2010 was when he was diagnosed bipolar and in taking our entire history into account, it's easier to just roll with that and feel confident he will cycle forever until he stays in treatment and decides to make his health a priority.

[Cdes40]

My BD was 6/2014 and I am now divorced and have moved on with my life. That’s not to say it’s been easy or is easy even today. I believe my h was involved with OW ( EA) for at least 6-8 months before BD and PA came immediately after. I got the I’m not happy the day after our 29th wedding anniversary.  He was working and living in another state and we were doing the weekend commutes for awhile. He met OW online as she lived 2500 miles away from him. I filed after a year of his ongoing affair and before he filed in the state he is currently working and living in.  She moved there within 6 months of our divorce, leaving her children 19, 21 and 23 behind, sold her failing business and latched on to him. From what I can tell and from what our daughters ( 31, 29 and 27) share with me. They don’t
have much of a relationship with their dad at this point based on their own decisions and boundaries, but when they do see or talk to him he updates them. He and the OW bought a very expensive, 30 acre dump of a farm and are struggling to stay above water. My only concern is the permenant maintenance I receive and the upcoming weddings of our girls.
It’s been a brutally hard and sad journey, like nothing I’ve ever experienced. But I am better. I work at a non profit making good money and basically overseeing all operations. This job came post BD. So for anyone who thinks their financial life is in ruins, think again. I am 56 years old and was a stay home mom for the majority of our marriage . I have fabulous benefits and great hours. My ex said his whole life was about taking care of everyone else and now it’s his turn. He always wanted a farm 😊
We have our first wedding in 6 months so the tension has heated up since our daughter told h that OW wasn’t welcomed.
He’s not the same man I knew, struggled tremendously throughout his MLC ,is a vanisher and never really monsters to me. He’s full of guilt and starting to express how hard everything is. So in a nut shell, we’re a pretty typical MLC couple dealing with a complete meltdown. I’d say 3.5 years post BD we are seeing more of the old him, but you can’t jump on it because he retreats.
I’ve been reading the stories this weekend and felt compelled to share. Please feel free to reach out if I can be of any help
Carol