Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Life in a way-3  (Read 5651 times)

Offline ThunderTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Life in a way-3
« Reply #100 on: July 13, 2018, 01:51:18 AM »
Thanks for responding MB and Strawberry.

It's very sad when they stop talking to you.  You really feel the disconnect.   :(
Strawberry, mine was never a phone person but I do remember him sitting with me staring out the window like I wasn't there...or he wanted to be anywhere but with me.

Treasur, I understand that more than you know.
Right before bd I felt that distance too.  Like the flame in the candle was snuffed out.

Anjae, sounds like you and Mr. J were different. You have to wonder if he misses those times.
I bet he does. How sad for him.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline ThunderTopic starter

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Re: Life in a way-3
« Reply #101 on: July 13, 2018, 02:00:26 AM »
Savvy, we were all desperate at the time.

So now he gets a silly, giggly woman with no brain.
How fitting for him.

You just have to wonder about these guys, trading down like they do.
They can't possibly be proud.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Hawkeye

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Re: Life in a way-3
« Reply #102 on: July 13, 2018, 01:18:25 PM »
After BD my wife told me she could talk to the om about anything. I realize now that he's a narcissist who was learning everything he could about my wife so that he could use it to manipulate her, but at the time it destroyed my confidence in my ability to communicate. It never seemed to go well when we talked and I thought it was my fault.

I spoke about this with my therapist and she told me to study communication and tell her what I learned the next time we met. What I learned was that I couldn't communicate with my wife because it takes two people to have a conversation and my wife had shut down. She was the only one I couldn't communicate with. I was able to communicate with other people just fine.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Life in a way-3
« Reply #103 on: July 13, 2018, 05:40:43 PM »
Anjae, sounds like you and Mr. J were different. You have to wonder if he misses those times.
I bet he does. How sad for him.

In several ways, yes, we were different from many couples (in others we were live every other couple). We had no kids, no mortgage, no car, no debt aside from a small loan one that was nearly fully paid.

We didn't had the pressures or the lack of time for each other many couples have.

We also lead a cultural bohemian life filled with music, cinema, theatre, art. We worked with what we loved and we loved being together.

Since he left, and especially since OW2 has been in place, his life has much more responsability, big expensive flat, doing I don't know how many things at a time, etc. than before.

I don't know if he misses it. Maybe he likes his MLC life with all the money that comes with it. Probably not, since he didn't used to like it. When I was still in the capital he used to moan all the time about how tiring and difficult it was.

He also said the same a few times at least until 2012. My reply was always the same: you have the life you decided to have.

I spoke about this with my therapist and she told me to study communication and tell her what I learned the next time we met. What I learned was that I couldn't communicate with my wife because it takes two people to have a conversation and my wife had shut down. She was the only one I couldn't communicate with. I was able to communicate with other people just fine.

This is what happens with all our spouses. Our spouses are the only people we can't communicate with because they have shut down.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline ThunderTopic starter

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Re: Life in a way-3
« Reply #104 on: July 13, 2018, 06:09:19 PM »
I agree with this Anjae.

Something shuts down with them.

You can not communicate with someone who looks at you like you are invisible.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Life in a way-3
« Reply #105 on: July 14, 2018, 02:09:55 AM »
My H said the same “I could tell her anything”. It was awfully
Painful To hear because I’d always been his only confidante and I hadn t changed, and I just could nt understand.

I read some sociological academic research on this very phenomenon.  It’s to

The affair bubble - ‘you and me against the World’.  The situation is artificial and the real world with its responsibilities and judgements doesn’t intrude.  The secretive nature of it all encourages sharing confidences.  They aren’t going to have to disagree over mortgage payments later that week or really truly live up to the things they say - unless and until they are a real couple, there is no testing reality in the open. .  Also this kind of sharing is usually part of falling in love.  The affair partner, sometimes naive,  sometimes manipulative buys into the specialness and is flattered.

The more they idealise the affair, the more judgemental the lbs  seems.  And let’s face it - none of us can live Day in day out together and never judge or be judged.

I have to say though, I was so grateful to see how vacuous their emails were as it was driving me nuts.  I kept following him around wailing “But what did you talk ABOUT?”  He still insisted their conversations were different to the emails, but I was somewhat  comforted by the level of it all.

Offline ThunderTopic starter

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Re: Life in a way-3
« Reply #106 on: July 14, 2018, 05:56:00 AM »
The affair bubble.  Makes perfect sense.  ::)

MB,

You are so right, you can't communicate with someone who stops listening or communicating back.  It's a 2 way street.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Anjae

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Re: Life in a way-3
« Reply #107 on: July 14, 2018, 01:29:51 PM »
The more they idealise the affair, the more judgemental the lbs  seems.  And let’s face it - none of us can live Day in day out together and never judge or be judged.

We can't. Both MCLer and alienator also can't went they start living together. Yet, their fantasy relatioship may last many, many years. The bubble may broke, but that not mean it will be over.

Mr J and I communicated a lot at BD and at least until 2009. It would had been better if there had been none, or very little communication.  It was all pretty much a fight that lead nowehere.There is good and bad communication and ours wasn't the best at the time.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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