Author Topic: My Story Revive me again  (Read 3227 times)

Offline MitzpahTopic starter

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My Story Revive me again
« on: November 09, 2017, 03:35:57 AM »
It is again time for a new thread.

My previous threads:


http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=703.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=892.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1095.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1350.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1440.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1615.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1821.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2054.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2461.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2614.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2836.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3319.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4071.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4508.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5103.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6384.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7926.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8780.0



The title to this thread is a reference to one of the Psalms I read today - a well underlined one! A reminder that without the Lord, I can't stand up to the pressure.

Quote
Psalm 71:17 O God, from my youth you have taught me,
and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.
18    So even to old age and gray hairs,
O God, do not forsake me,
until I proclaim your might to another generation,
your power to all those to come.
19    Your righteousness, O God,
reaches the high heavens.
You who have done great things,
O God, who is like you?
20    You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth
you will bring me up again

The title of this Psalm in the ESV version is Forsake me not when my strength is spent 

Thank you for all your support throughout this seemingly neverending journey.

Both my h. and I have recently had birthdays, and this year, due to his distancing, it has been rather difficult for me. I think that the loss of my father is also weighing on me. I am at a bit of a low point.

In my last post, I mentioned that it was h.'s birthday that day and I had sent him a birthday message which was well received. In the evening, he called all the kids to go with him to a local pizzeria and warned our eldest s25 that OW would be going with him, that it was his birthday so he wanted her to be there. They went and he had brought her and her kids. He told our kids that he was so happy to get them all together.

The next day, he changed his whatsapp profile picture and tagline - he put a picture of the popular T-shirt that says Legends are born in November and "The worst day sailing is better than the best day working!".  The previous tagline had been there since he started on whatsapp - it said "Sometimes life turns you inside out and then you discover that inside out is the right side." Very MLC, I used to think. This new one is one of my favorites and it is strange because he doesn't sail any more (I think). Also, OW doesn't enjoy it.

Enough about that!

I am planning a road trip to Uruguay/Argentina in January with my d who will be 23 by then. I think it will be good for both of us. I will get a trial run in my car next week as I intend to to drive to the capital of Brazil from Rio, with a little dog who belongs to my daughter's friend who has just relocated there. My mother says she wants to come along - let's see... I am glad of company, especially to keep the dog in order, but I don't know if her health is up to it. It is roughly a 1200 km drive there  :o

My eldest s25 is having his knee operation on Nov 20 to remove a sliver of bone and I should just be back from Brasília then. He will be laid up for a while, not looking forward to that, he is very energetic and doesn't take easily to being restricted ::)

S24 is still looking for a job, I am glad he is at university now!

Thankful for all my mercies!



Edit - Fix Links - OldPilot
« Last Edit: November 09, 2017, 05:16:49 AM by OldPilot »
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Musica

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2017, 06:51:40 AM »
I’m keeping in touch and often thinking of you Mitzpah.

I hope you have a lovely road trip with your daughter xxx

Online Thunder

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2017, 08:04:23 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Mitzpah.   :)

The trip sounds wonderful.  Good bonding time.
That's a long drive for your mom, but how very sweet she wants to go with.

Hugs

With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2017, 08:43:44 AM »
Welcome to your new thread Mitz ;)

(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #4 on: November 09, 2017, 09:29:06 AM »
I hope your mom is able to make the trip. It sounds like it would be a nice experience for both of you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #5 on: November 09, 2017, 10:52:20 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Mitz.

Are you going to drive to Brasília by the motorway or my other types of roads? Motorway may be more comfortable for your mum - but less fun.

1200km from Rio to Brasília...  :o The distances thing is interesting.

When those of you in big countries talk of thousands of km, many many hours driving - or when I see someone writing that it is only a " 3 hours drive each way" I always smile. Those distances/hours are huge for me (for a Portuguese).

1200Km would put me roughly in France - had crossed the country northeast to Spain and Spain to France; 3 hours would leave me in our capital if going south or in Spain if going North or East - West there is only the Atlantic.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2017, 02:04:48 PM »
Continuing on with you, Mitzpah. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2017, 06:16:39 PM »
I hope your mom does go on the trip. It will do her a world of good to have a change of scenery.
trying2bok

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2017, 11:53:28 PM »
Thinking of you, Mitz.  I'm not writing much lately, but I do come to see what you write.  I get the feeling of being down; you have a lot on right now, it makes this all the harder. 

Sometimes all we can do is place one foot in front of the other, I do hope your trip goes well!

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #9 on: November 10, 2017, 12:08:56 PM »
Following along, Mitzpah
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Lioness

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #10 on: November 10, 2017, 08:02:42 PM »
I am here too Mitzpah.

Online CanLetGo

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #11 on: November 11, 2017, 02:46:01 AM »
Wow, that’s a big trip Mitzpah 😳 safe travels 😘
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #12 on: November 12, 2017, 02:33:31 PM »
Following along Mitzpah.  Enjoy your travels  :).
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #13 on: November 13, 2017, 03:19:34 AM »
I bet your mother is tougher than she looks ;)  Could be a lovely trip with the two of them.

Maybe your life is not what it was and isn't what it could be yet - I feel the same - limbo land.

Time for a bucket list Mitz?
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Mara

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #14 on: November 15, 2017, 12:55:35 PM »
Attaching Mitzpah.
It is an honour to follow you on your journey.

May our Father bless you on this road with his neverending love. He will never forsake or leave you.

Wow , what a trip you are planning with your d. She will never forget that.

Much love from me to you

Mara
I want to believe there's meaning here

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #15 on: November 19, 2017, 05:31:19 AM »
Attaching. Road trip sounds so fun.

Offline MitzpahTopic starter

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #16 on: December 04, 2017, 07:32:04 AM »
Hi, everyone, thanks for all your positive encouragement!!

Well, the first road trip (two weeks ago) didn't quite work out... I did the sums and it would cost me a lot more to drive there than to fly. As my s25 was having surgery on the Monday, I decided to fly on the Saturday and be back the same day.
That didn't work either! - I got to the airport at the unearthly hour of 3:10am to find that it only opened at 5 am ::) - why I wasn't told, I don't know - then when I tried to check the dog in, I found that the reservation for the dog was on board and not in the hold. So... I went back home and went to bed  :P

My s25 had surgery on the Monday, which was a great success, they had to remove some little pieces of shattered knee cap, they looked like molars to me :P, fortunately, they didn't actually have to cut muscle and the outer incision was horizontal, making the healing much quicker - he is back to work today!

His father was present for the surgery  and waited with me all the time (about four or five hours) - compared to previous occasions, it was a pleasant time, we were able to talk about superficial things without any tenseness and he left after s25 was back in the private room - I walked him out to the door and thanked him for his company.

I managed to reschedule my flight with the dog to this last weekend without any surcharge as well as applying for a reimbursement of the initial dog ticket! The flight went off without any hitches despite his indignant barking while taking off from Rio and landing in Brasília ;D I would hate to think how it would be if he were actually in the  cabin with me ::) I delivered the dog, looked outside, it was raining :(, so I went back into the airport and managed to antecipate the flight home, I flew back on the same plane that had brought me, the flight attendants were rather surprised to see me so soon and commented on the dog that had a great set of lungs on the previous flight ;D ;D ;D

I am very busy with work and helping my mother sort out her pension (transferred from my father). Bureaucracy is a real issue...

I continue to miss my h. I don't quite understand what is going on - he seems to be intent on distancing from me, he will meet with the kids at our house during the week, on weekends he disappears. He has made no move to contact me through messaging, nothing at all. I happened to meet him by chance in the traffic last week - he drove up beside me on his motorbike and I beeped at him and flashed a smile, he looked back at me and smiled warmly in recognition and moved forward as the lights changed and I was held back in heavy traffic.

He is still moving forward with his food stall idea, I found out that OW is involved too - she will help 'man' the stall on weekends ??? According to my s25, she is being very helpful and researched a lot for him, whatever that means.

I don't really have much time to think about it anyways  - Christmas is here!! January is my road trip with my d22 - got to start planning for that!

Thankful for peaceful interactions!
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #17 on: December 04, 2017, 08:30:02 PM »
What, that does sound crazy.  Glad it all worked out!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #18 on: December 04, 2017, 08:41:42 PM »
Quote
Thankful for peaceful interactions!

i remember when contact would throw me in a whirl...it was so difficult to figure out..if you are done with me, then why be in my world at all? And then, after a good spell of reasonable contact, he would distant himself and I would be left dangling from the ledge once again.

You are sounding really grounded. Moving forward, not the way we would like to be going forward in life, but still, we need to enjoy what time we have.

Your trip with the dog sounds crazy. Glad you got that all settled.

The time is going by so fast now.....getting ready for the holidays is always a busy time but I have learned to cut corners. I have a group I have been meeting with of people from my neighborhood who "live alone" who will be here for a pot luck next week. It is nice to have a reason to decorate (and also it means I must CLEAN!)

Take good care.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #19 on: December 10, 2017, 01:52:57 AM »
I'm glad your son is ok Mitz, your strength being able to be with your H and not asking the hard questions is admirable, I don't think I would have done as well and would be in a total spin of heartache by now.

I hope that one day you get some answers.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline MitzpahTopic starter

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #20 on: December 10, 2017, 10:02:01 AM »
Lonely on a Sunday afternoon...
H. was here this week every. single. day. except for Friday - I met him one of the days, he was friendly and affectionate and as he left (I walked him out about twenty minutes after I arrived), he mentioned our d22's driving test on this Monday (tomorrow), saying that he would go with her. I repeated my offer for him to take my car because they have to be there very early and wait a long time. He said he would arrange it with her.  So I guess I will have to bus it to work tomorrow :)

SF
I'm glad your son is ok Mitz, your strength being able to be with your H and not asking the hard questions is admirable, I don't think I would have done as well and would be in a total spin of heartache by now.

I hope that one day you get some answers.

There is no chance to ask questions... I never touch on R talks and I spend most of my time making sure that our conversation stays on very safe topics ;D I have the feeling he does the same ::)

As much as it seems we see each other quite frequently, we are actually very distant from each other on an emotional level. I am very aware that he has a relationship with OW and as he has divorced me, I don't want to even go there as I am sure he feels justified in having a relationship with her. I keep a respectful distance from that, I get as close as he will allow but I will not overstep the barrier he puts up. I also expect him to respect the fact that I will not discuss OW, nor see her. It is as if she is not there - we relate to each other as old acquaintances (a bit like cousins?) and as parents.

Anyhoo, on Thursday, he was here and when I got home, my eldest s25 told me he had asked whether I would be hosting Christmas day as usual, at s25's affirmative  answer, he told the kids that he would be here :) - first time he has committed to be here in advance :o and second Christmas running.

So, I will do the usual intimate Christmas Eve dinner with my kids and the next day will be family at large, including h.!

Sermon today reminded me that the promises of restoration given so many years ago announcing the birth of Jesus are also for us today - the Word is alive!
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Mara

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #21 on: December 10, 2017, 10:31:25 AM »
Hi Mitzpah

Good to read your story.
You as almost seems to be so wise in handling your h.

I hope this advent and living towards Christmas with the whole family including your h, will bring you much joy, besides the biggest thing we celebrate with advent and Christmas.

Good luck for your d tomorrow!

Mara
I want to believe there's meaning here

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #22 on: December 10, 2017, 11:07:08 AM »
Interesting that as it gets closer to Christmas both our H's have drawn closer again Mitzpah.

Mara is right, you are indeed very wise in handling your H.

Wishing you a blessed and joyous Christmas season with your family.
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #23 on: December 10, 2017, 11:36:07 AM »
Glad to hear your son's surgery was a success.

And I agree with TL, they seems to be drawn back to us when "family" is the focus and Christmas is the ultimate family-focused holiday.

Advent is a time of hopeful waiting. May you be blessed this Christmas season, Mitzpah.
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline Anjae

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #24 on: December 10, 2017, 02:17:37 PM »
Glad to know your son's surgery went well, Mitz, but sorry to hear you are feeling lonely.

As much as it seems we see each other quite frequently, we are actually very distant from each other on an emotional level.

Unlike those without a live in MLCer, or a MLCer that is always always around may think, sadly, having the MCLer around does not equal being emotionally close. They are on their world and we are on ours.

But, at least, you a and your husband have a nice, civil relationship.

... we relate to each other as old acquaintances (a bit like cousins?) and as parents.

A bit like cousins is a good image.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #25 on: December 10, 2017, 06:28:50 PM »
I am also glad that your son's surgery was successful.

Holidays are hard even in the most solid of families. For you to continue being so gracious is amazing. I don't think I could do it. Not that my xH wants anything to do with his family. He just visited our youngest and his wife in Texas a few weeks back. He brought his girlfriend even tho' my son asked him not to. He gave xH quite an earful about her. He asked xH why he liked her. His reply was "we're best friends".

She was completely negative the whole time there, just a weekend. My son told xH he had changed. He asked xH what they do besides work out together? xH said they talk, laugh and joke around. My son said him that he didn't tell one joke while there. He told him he isn't eating enough for how hard he works out. That he's too skinny.

I don't think that xH will be visiting him again any time soon. My other kids were thrilled that he said everything they want to say but haven't had the guts to do it.

trying2bok

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #26 on: December 11, 2017, 06:29:26 AM »
Beautiful update Mitz!!

Your unending grace shows through your words my friend!

How special you are!    I pray your xH begins to see clearer, I truly believe he feels it he just needs to have the courage to do what's right and return!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #27 on: December 15, 2017, 04:22:44 AM »
I felt sad reading your post Mitz, maybe I have the Christmas blues too :-[

There always seemed to be hope, as that's all we have but when the MLCer is so distant it seems very sad somehow.

I actually hate polite conversation and don't think I could do that with xH.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline MitzpahTopic starter

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #28 on: December 27, 2017, 07:05:23 AM »
Christmas has come again :)

I think it went pretty well this despite the usual tense prep period :P

I was very happy that one of my investments was ready for Christmas - I had a sofa and two armchairs re-upholstered and they were delivered a week before Christmas, it looks lovely!

I had a doctor's appointment four days before Christmas and was awarded with the news that I had to immediately go on a low-carb (keto) diet :(, after the initial shock effect, I found that it wouldn't be too hard and actually quite suited to my personal likes and preferences, of course, I was given 'permission' to celebrate Christmas and New Year as long as I go back to it the next day. I am adapting pretty well. It is because my blood sugar is high and the insulin too, apparently my body is desperately trying to stave off diabetes type 2.

Well, for my Christmas - you will remember that my h. is keeping his distance from me, yet is coming over to our house quite regularly during the week to spend time with the kids, use the garage and get a square meal - he is currently unemployed and on unemployment benefits which doesn't amount to much at all. He had asked the kids if I was hosting Christmas lunch this year and they said yes, to which he said he would be coming. I have no idea where he spent Christmas Eve, probably with OW. The kids didn't ask either.

We had our own traditional Christmas Eve celebration where we had a little meditation on Christmas and prayers (we included their father in the prayers too) as a family (our church this year prepared a leaflet to use at home), it was midnight and we exchanged gifts - I took a picture of our three showing their gifts and sent it to h. with a simple Merry Christmas.

We were then distracted with h.'s dog (the murderous boxer female) who was trembling and crying in her kennel because of the fireworks, both boys got in the kennel with her and cuddled her a bit :), while d22 and I comforted the other 2 dogs.

After this show of Christmas cheer, we settled down to our dinner and I glanced at the phone - h. had sent me a message - 'I tried to call s25 and s24 but they wouldn't answer' - no Merry Christmas or anything ;D then s25 looked at his phone and said, while tucking into the ham, 'oh daddy tried to call...' but did nothing to call him back. I said nothing. The others didn't even look up at his comment

We went to church on Christmas morning, it is one of those rare occasions I can get them to to go to church! When we got back , he was already there. He was kind and affectionate, not close though. He liked the gift I gave him - a set of towels. My brother (the one who has been divorced three times  :o) arrived  soon after us. My mother arrived a little later and he was very affectionate towards her. After a little longer, s25's gf and relatives arrived and we moved towards the table to eat. At the time to say grace for the meal , I decided to ask him to lead - he did, to my complete surprise!! He prayed very nicely, closing with the Lord's prayer as is our tradition. My mother was very happy as usually it would have been my father to do it and this is our first Christmas without him.

During the time before the actual lunch he sharpened some of my kitchen knives, teaching the boys how to do it, he took apart and fixed my electric knife! He carved the ham. He spent some time working on his motorbike just like he always does and people just migrate out to the garage to talk to him.

He was the kind host too, engaging with our guests, making sure my mother was comfortable...

After lunch he also spoke with me and our daughter about our concerns with my mother, maybe having her come to live with me. You see, we would need to build a suite on the ground floor of our house because she cannot go up and down stairs.

When he left, after everyone else had left, he reiterated that he wanted me to talk to my brothers and sisters about helping build this in order to house her... All in all, it was a good visit. I saw a lot of my h. in him, he seems calmer. He still makes references to his other life, never mentioning OW but will say things like 'we have a friend...' where it is quite clear to me that we is not he and I. I think he would like this to be the norm - a comfortable co-existence with me without having to give up his other life.

I just let him be and I am thankful for good and peaceful interactions!



M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #29 on: December 27, 2017, 08:26:12 AM »
What a beautiful up date Mitz!   Slowly but surely your H is turning...inch by inch...step by step....Such patience you show!!   Not much else you can do is there!

I have heard good things about the keto diet, I hope it works quickly for you!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Anjae

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #30 on: December 27, 2017, 10:43:17 AM »
Lovely update, Mitzpah.  :)

Having your mum living with you sounds like a good idea.

I think he would like this to be the norm - a comfortable co-existence with me without having to give up his other life.

But that is pretty much the norm, isn't it?

I just let him be and I am thankful for good and peaceful interactions!

Good and peaceful interactions are always good.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #31 on: December 28, 2017, 06:58:16 PM »
Sounds like your Christmas was a success as far as good and peaceful interactions with your H.  You are always so patient with him Mitzpah.

I hope the diet works for you and that it helps get your health back on track.   :)
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline serenity

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #32 on: December 29, 2017, 12:03:17 AM »
Hello dear Mitzpah,

Glad you had a reasonably good Christmas and that your H was there. My daughter and I never even heard from my H! I’m surprised he didn’t contact her as he’s been trying to make more effort to be in her life this year. I can only assume he’s got yet another new life or feeling sorry for himself and sulking!

Good luck with your new diet.

As usual you show so much grace, patience and kindness to all your family

Hugs

X

Offline MitzpahTopic starter

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #33 on: January 04, 2018, 10:54:26 AM »
Thank you for your kind comments.

I was made privy to a little piece of information which kind of backed up what happened to me over the recent FB episode.

Over Christmas, I sent a Merry Christmas message to my SILs and spoke to my BIL as usual, one of the SILs, who is my high school friend and closest to her brother (my h.) said she would be in town all week and wanted to meet up with me. On the Thursday before New Year, I gave my d22 a ride home from work and she said that her dad and brothers were with this aunt and her h., visiting her uncle (BIL) and that they were going to the local restaurant later on - she was to meet up with them. I mentioned what SIL had said and wondered whether I could go along, out loud - d22 immediately called her father and I heard him say - 'of course, that would be great!', I signalled frantically ::) at d22 and asked her to find out whether OW would be there too, she asked and h. said 'oh, he didn't know, he wasn't sure, he would find out and call d22 back' ::)

Half an hour later he calls back and d22 relays to me that OW was going to be there, she was coming over by bus (a bus trip of at least 30 -40km) :o - so, I didn't go. I sent my love to SIL and told d22 to answer truthfully in case she was asked why I wasn't there.

The next day it was SIL's h.'s birthday - I sent him birthday wishes as I usually do and received back an invitation to meet them later on for celebratory drinks - I bit my tongue but had to ask "Can I go without the risk of being surprised?" :-[  - I then deleted the question deeming it silly... he messaged back - "I will check but I think you can come without running any risk ;)" I apologized for the ridiculous question and he texted back -  "no probs, I completely understand and you CAN come, we want to see YOU! "

So, I went for drinks - it was great, almost as if seven years had not gone by, we fell into our usual camaraderie and at one point, my SIL asked me why I had gone off FB again... I told her - explaining that three days after my father had died, h. had 'apparently' asked me to become his friend on FB again and I accepted, to be surprised by a loved up picture of him and OW, with a 'heart' emoji as a description, three hours later. SIL's h. looked at me in shocked manner across the table and said 'but that was very cruel!' - I went  to explain that a few weeks later I had discovered, throught the kids, that actually it was OW that had done it. My SIL looked at me, sadly shaking her head, and said: "I believe it because she did the same thing to me" :o

SIL told me that she had written a letter via e-mail to my h. some time ago, making some sisterly observations about his r. with OW (this was probably when he was moving out from living with her about a year or so ago) and supporting him in whatever decision he took. OW opened his e-mail, read the letter and ripped into SIL saying that she had no right to be interfering or something on those lines. SIL got in touch with h. and told him that she did not appreciate him allowing OW to read his private mail - h. was very embarassed and apologized, said what she had done was wrong (much the same as he told the kids about the FB incident).

She does seem rather desperate to me.

When I mentioned to the kids what SIL had told me - d22 said 'he never said anything about that' and s25 retorted 'of course not, he will never say anything against her!' s24 just looked on.

New Year went well, except for an accident with my car, d22 was driving and unfortunately, due to her inexperience, a bus came too close >:( - nobody was hurt and she has promised to pay the damage. It is already fixing, hopefully we will start our road trip the weekend after next :)

H. came round on New Year's day to offer his support after the accident , which was appreciated :) He also responded to my New Year's greeting.

Just thought it was an interesting observation - doesn't change anything ;D

Happy 2018 everyone!!
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #34 on: January 04, 2018, 11:18:30 AM »
Happy New Year Mitzpah.

I'm glad the accident wasn't serious. Hopefully it will be a good and relatively inexpensive life lesson for your daughter.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #35 on: January 04, 2018, 12:04:28 PM »
Very interesting Mitz!!

Just goes to show you that what we believe and tell ourselves about these OW is the truth!!

I recently found out that my H's OW2 is in a R with a man (5 years older not 20 years older like my H )  that is recently D from his wife of 26 years (imagine that)
He used OW2's family friend Lawyer for his D...... now they are together on FB and in public.   My gut tells me she broke up that M !!
It helps me though as OW2 seemed picture perfect .......

so glad you joined them and had a drink (or two) and caught up some!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline serenity

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #36 on: January 04, 2018, 12:28:12 PM »
Well done dear Mitzpah,

I'm glad you managed to see your BIL and SIL.

I'm beginning to think that none of these MLCers are happy or in, what we think of as 'normal' relationships but sadly they seem to stick with their choices! I will never understand why they do when they have a family that loves them at home.

Hugs

X

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #37 on: January 04, 2018, 02:17:28 PM »
Happy New Year, mitz...

Somehow it all does seem to come out eventually...  somehow we learn what really went on. 

I agree with serenity that I don't believe any of the MLCers are really happy, but that for reasons that we just can't understand they do continue on that path.  Somehow they have to do so until they do hit the bottom, however there is no way to know if and when they do. 

It does help us, though, to know that these OW aren't the be all and end all.  That this crisis really isn't about us and our marriages. 

x

Offline Anjae

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #38 on: January 04, 2018, 02:29:28 PM »
I bit my tongue but had to ask "Can I go without the risk of being surprised?" :-[  - I then deleted the question deeming it silly... he messaged back - "I will check but I think you can come without running any risk ;)" I apologized for the ridiculous question and he texted back -  "no probs, I completely understand and you CAN come, we want to see YOU! "

It was not a silly question at all. While I was still in the capital Mr J and I would always coordinate so that I would not have to see him with OW1 when I would be out for concerts, etc. I only saw them once together, and that was because I didn't coordinate with him.

He never minded it and would actually understand and respect that I didn't want to meet both of them. Aside from the one crazy time he wanted to go to his birthday party and said "after a few glasses no one cares who is, or is not there." I declined the invitation.

She does seem rather desperate to me.

I think it is more than despair. It is control. There is one reason the rare times I call Mr J I do ti to is work, never his mobile (of course on an emergency I may). And I am careful with e-mails. I have no idea if OW2 is checking his mobile and e-mail, but, since she is the one who got him the lawyers and told the lawyer what to write on the court divorce cases, I assume she is.

Mr J's OW2 is also the one who used to post photos of the two of them to his FB. He never did it. However, since we are not friends of FB, that was easy to deal with.

Just goes to show you that what we believe and tell ourselves about these OW is the truth!!

It does. Much like MLCer follows a pattern/has a script, the OW/OM also tend to follow a pattern (or a few patterns) and have a script.

Mr J's OW2 is now chosing their new fancy flat in the capital. She decides on all things. She even made sure he would not DJ outside of the capital. Unless he happens to DJ with someone that will report to her or she can come along. And, when he used to come and DJ here, he had to go back after the set. Couldn't stay at MIL or SIL. Control much? Fear the man may do something she dos not approve of?

I am certain he loves it. After all, it has been nearly 10 years of that woman controling him and his life. If a man would try to control me the way she has been controlling him, the man woudn't last one day.

MLCers put up with really absurd stuff.

Glad you got to mee them for a drink.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #39 on: January 04, 2018, 03:30:17 PM »
Sometimes we get to see what is going on on the other side of the mountain. I had a similar experience last weekend.

I'm glad you had a nice visit with your BIL and SIL. Happy New Year, Mitzpah! May it be the best year yet.
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #40 on: January 05, 2018, 08:10:23 AM »
Sounds like it was a wonderful Christmas Mitz. I am glad to hear that you saw your SIL and BIL without extra "guests". I have a similar R with xH's aunt and uncle. I do see them and they are happy to see me. They have no use for OW and didn't know she existed by his admission for quite a while. I had told them from the start what was going on.

I am also glad that your D's accident wasn't serious. It's always such a trial when they start driving. The stress never ends.

Happy and healthy New Year!
trying2bok

Offline Lioness

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #41 on: January 12, 2018, 08:23:05 PM »
You sound well Mitz! Happy New Year! 🎈🎊

Offline MitzpahTopic starter

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #42 on: February 13, 2018, 06:30:31 AM »
Thank you for all your support! It is always good to see you commenting on my thread even when there isn't much to see ::)

It's been a while, things haven't changed much since my last post. My d23 and I went on our road trip to Uruguay. It was a lovely trip, a little hard on driving for me because we basically did 5550 km in 11 days! I found that I couldn't allow her to drive within Brazil due to the heavy traffic on the highways, in Uruguay she drove from Montivideu to Trienta e Treis, which gave me a bit of a rest.

I am very happy with my car, it went very well and was very economical! I filled my eyes and sensations with beautiful places, lots of encounters with wild animals and birds, I saw so many hawks! We visited a wildlife reserve on the coast of Uruguay called Cabo Polonio - well worth the trip! The weather was very good most of the time, although I had some 'hairy' moments driving through torrential rain on some of the roads in Brazil.

My sons took good care of the house while we were away and I came back to freshly cut grass and a tidy house. The dogs had had a few fights as usual but were all glad to see us back ;D

The next day h. came by and I gave him the small gifts I had brought for him, he seemed to be pleased, yet was distant and continues to be. I haven't seen him since.

I won't hide it, I am sad that he is so distant. I have stepped way back from him as I feel he wants absolutely nothing to do with me at the moment.

He approached me through whatsapp to ask what had happened to my father's Rolex . He loves watches and wondered whether I could give him the watch as a memento from my father. I had told him sometime ago that it was my mother's intention to sell it and use the proceeds to help her pay the taxes for the house. He wanted to know if we had had it valued and maybe he could buy it? I told him I would speak to my mother about it.

A couple of days later, after speaking to my mother, I told him that it hadn't been valued professionally but it would be and yes it would be sold - I told him that I understood his desire to have the watch and that if it could be worked into my part in the inheritance, I would gladly give it to him, however, I needed to respect my mother's need for the money, let's see how much it is really worth...

He responded and seemed embarassed that he had asked for it, telling me to forget about the subject, he wasn't aware it was so valuable. ::)

And that was the end of that and any other communication between us - three weeks ago.

He has just started an instagram account - the kids tell me it was to be able to follow my s25 who has just come back from super trip to the US. I did not request to follow and after a few days I noticed that he made his profile private.

Two days ago, d23 told me that he had closed his little business with ow. He told the kids that it was not making money and it was too much trouble.

On the same day, I noticed that he changed his profile picture for whatsapp for a picture of himself and ow - a nice picture, both are smiling happily.

Of course, that gave me a familiar kick to the gut feeling - yet, I need to rationalize - we have been divorced for almost three years now, he lived with her for four and a half years even if he doesn't live with her now - I have nothing to do with his life except as being the mother of his children. It just seems like a deliberate distancing tactic on his part.

So, as you see, things go on and stay the same.

I continue to trust the Lord for my future, and I will rejoice in His many mercies toward me and my family!
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Acorn

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #43 on: February 13, 2018, 06:47:58 AM »
I continue to trust the Lord for my future, and I will rejoice in His many mercies toward me and my family!

Amen to that, Mizpah!  Giving all to God is against our nature (especially for a fixer like me  :D) but when we can do that, the vista of all the blessings in our lives are gloriously revealed. Literally, in your case, when you were enjoying the trip.   So glad you could enjoy the trip with your dear daughter.  Such precious memories...

(((((((HUGS)))))))))
I love your HS name, Mizpah.  A symbol of God’s covenant with his beloved children. I must remember that I, too, have this covenant with Him. 
« Last Edit: February 13, 2018, 07:00:39 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #44 on: February 13, 2018, 03:01:00 PM »
Of course, that gave me a familiar kick to the gut feeling - yet, I need to rationalize - we have been divorced for almost three years now, he lived with her for four and a half years even if he doesn't live with her now - I have nothing to do with his life except as being the mother of his children.

Oh, how I can relate, Mitzpah. They are so hot and cold. Continue to trust the Lord. He will keep us close to Him always.

Your trip with your daughter sounds lovely. Glad to read you had a good time.
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #45 on: February 13, 2018, 04:25:03 PM »
Sounds like you had a lovely holiday Mitz, don't forget to plan the next one!

Your H is slower than paint drying isn't he?  What does your gut say about things between you in the future?  He does seem civil at least, so that's a bonus.  I do hope he wakes up one day and tells you how sorry he is.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #46 on: February 13, 2018, 04:35:57 PM »
Mitzpah, your trip sounds wonderful!

I filled my eyes and sensations with beautiful places, lots of encounters with wild animals and birds, I saw so many hawks!

 :)  :)

No matter how long we are into this, when our H's come and go the distancing again is always difficult.  I'm sorry you had to see the photo with H and OW.  As for smiling and happy, I have learned this can be a very false indication of reality with people in general let alone a MLC'er.  Nevertheless, I understand all too well that kick in the gut feeling that can still hit us when we least expect it.   


I continue to trust the Lord for my future, and I will rejoice in His many mercies toward me and my family!

If we can do this, that's half the battle won right there.  Wishing you continued joy in the little things Mitzpah.  Thanks for the update.  :)
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #47 on: February 13, 2018, 05:37:50 PM »
Lovely trip, Mitzpah.

MLCers and their never ending hot and cold.  ::)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #48 on: February 13, 2018, 06:53:47 PM »
Your trip sounds like a grand adventure.  You put many miles on, saw beautiful things, and made memories with your lovely D.   

The watch request.....interesting to me. 

Thanks for the update, Mitzpah.   

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #49 on: February 13, 2018, 09:37:24 PM »
I'm glad you were able to make the trip. It sounds like a great experience for both you and your daughter.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #50 on: February 16, 2018, 11:33:04 AM »
I'm glad you and your D had a wonderful trip.  I understand about the pouring rain!  I don't like to drive in torrential rain either, as it is very nerve wracking.

Also glad to hear that your S's were so good to the house while you were gone.

Interesting bit about the watch.  I sure wish that we had some insight into their brains now and again, but it's probably better not to as who knows what that might be like!

I'm sorry about the gut kick with the picture.  I can commiserate as that has happened with me before, and she wasn't even the original alienator.  I can't imagine how awful that would be.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #51 on: February 21, 2018, 04:53:44 PM »
Hi Mitz, glad you were able to have your road trip. Sorry your H still has his head where the sun doesn't shine. And sorry about the picture. Personally, I wouldn't let your H have the Rolex unless he could come up with several thousand dollars. And, IMHO, he doesn't deserve a momento like that. But, I am not as nice as you are.

I know you will search your soul and come up with the right answer for you and your life. You always do.
trying2bok

Offline Mara

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #52 on: February 22, 2018, 01:21:33 PM »
Dear Mitzpah,

Reading your updates. I recognize these feelings. H coming around but distant. It s like it always reopens a wound that is trying to heal.
You are so warmhearted towards him, even wanting to hive him the rolex.

Yes, trust in the Lord. He will never distance Himself to you, but close You in His arms.

Much love

Mara 💚
I want to believe there's meaning here

Offline Lioness

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #53 on: April 16, 2018, 01:49:19 PM »
Hey Mitzpah, just checking in on you! I hope all is well !

Offline MitzpahTopic starter

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #54 on: April 26, 2018, 12:17:37 PM »
Dear friends, I know I am due an update, however, things are rather fluid at the moment and not really going anywhere, if that makes any sense!

Thank you for all your lovely replies to my last post, which was in February!!

I have been getting on with my life mostly, very relieved to have done my taxes but mad  >:( that I have to pay so much, I could do with a nice restitution! Financially things are tight but I am getting through.

Today is the seven year mark of him leaving home for good.  I generally don’t remember this date until a few days later but it has been on my mind since I woke up. I don’t know why.

Up until last week, he had been spending most of his days at our house, working on the motorcycle which used to be in his apartment. I lent him the car to pick it up and bring it to our garage. He and s26 are very enthusiastic about their ‘project’. I think it will be nice too, it is shaping up nicely. He has lunch at our place with the kids and they love to spend time with him. He will sometimes help them cut the grass and make sure they keep things tidy in the kitchen when the maid doesn’t come in.

In my last post I mentioned being upset at a change in his profile picture – soon after that it was s26’s birthday and he spent the day with us, we were all at home and we had made plans to go to a Japanese restaurant with his girlfriend’s family later in the evening. He left our house, asking me to send the address of the restaurant, which I did and he didn’t even say goodbye properly to d23, throwing over his shoulder that he would see her at the restaurant. A couple of hours later, we were on our way and s26’s phone rings in the car – I am driving, and all I hear after the initial greeting is silence and a few ‘uh-hums’, ok and bye. I drag it out of s26 and his father is not coming because ow was not invited so he thought it was better to stay home. S26 was very upset, s24 was silent, d23 muttered to nobody in particular ‘she wasn’t invited, so what!’ in a disgusted manner. The girlfriend just looked around at all of us with big eyes. I was upset that my s26 was so hurt and also embarrassed for his future in-laws. I apologized to my s. but he said ‘mom, this has nothing to do with you, it is my dad…, I want you to be here with me’, :'( so I just hugged him and we had a pleasant enough evening. A few days later, h. was at the house for a motorcycle emergency repair in the evening and he behaved like nothing was wrong, treating me affectionately and joking in his usual manner (when he is nervous, self-conscious). A little after that, he changed back his picture to one of himself on a motorcycle – it has stayed that way since.

Even though he has been spending a lot of time at home, I rarely see him, he is gone by the time I get home and weekends are obviously off limit for him. I have offered to help him with the rebuilding of the motorcycle because he had to sell the motorcycle he was driving for money to put towards his retirement and he has nothing to drive. Of course, ow lends him her car and I know that he brings it to our house during the week, which maybe the reason he leaves before I get home. He knows I don’t want her car at my house. 
He has just gone back to a consulting job with the last company he was at (where the ow works), on one hand, I am glad for him, he needs the money and self-respect, on the other, I just wish it were elsewhere. However, none of my business! :P

So, as you see,  a whole lot of … nothing! I find myself in a strange place – I continue to stand for my marriage and I pray for restoration, yet I see no real movement anywhere in any direction. I sense OW’s presence very close, she is holding on very tightly. I find myself avoiding him too. I do not need any drama and I sense she wants to stir it up. He will contact me about things and he often keeps up the conversation; when I see him, it is usually not planned and in the beginning he seems shy and a little stand offish, I keep a distance but then he warms up to me and is affectionate and willing to talk to me about most things.

The kids love having him around and I think they appreciate that I do not hinder their relationship with him. I have seen some jealousy, though, from s26 about the fact I am helping him financially with the motorcycle. I have had to remind him that I am the one who decides what I do with my money and I helped him buy his (s26) first motorcycle! :P

I carry on, trusting the Lord with my future, surrendering the outcome to Him. I see so many of you dealing with monstery behavior, I am grateful that I have a peaceful relationship with the father of my children and maybe that is exactly how he wants it to stay – maybe this is the way it is going to be? ???
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #55 on: April 26, 2018, 01:11:41 PM »
Thank you for the update Mitz!   Yes, you are right move no where fast isn't he?
Being grateful for his relationship with the kids is good and I guess they are probably better off for the connection and maybe you are too?  Not sure but as usual, time will tell I guess!

You continue to sound strong and graceful but I imagine you are a little tired and restless!  I also imagine you will not show it, as usual you will continue to be the bigger person!

(hugs)
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Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #56 on: April 26, 2018, 05:07:56 PM »
Thanks for the update Mitz, sounds like a lot, and not much is happening.

I wonder why he thought the OW should be invited?  Always smacks of entitlement, doesn't it?

He does seem to be around a lot so that is good, feeling his way with the kids before you is the hope.

If anyone had told us a few years ago, we would still be here in 2018 and STILL hoping for reconciliation, I would have told them I was out!!

It's a shame they waste out lives and theirs with this madness.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #57 on: April 26, 2018, 06:32:04 PM »
It really is impossible to figure out what causes them to act the way they do...and of course, impossible for us to have a conversation with them to try and clarify anything.

That is the curse of MLC. In any other situation I could sit down with the individual and express how their actions impact my life. I could ask direct questions and receive answers...there would be some type of dialogue that was real.

I have tried to distance myself from him yet somehow, every now and then he appears in my life. It seems rather strange, if you are done with me, then be done with me. I wonder if I had moved to a different city, if I ever would have seen him again...for he does have an excuse to come to my hometown on business...and he "drops" by when he is here often for a good enough reason, always bringing me a gift of my favorite things...but why does he continue to do that after almost 9 years?

Fortunately, we have learned how to continue our lives without their presence rattling us.

This was amusing to me...my husband always used to joke that he was still a teenager, even before MLC, and he mentioned this that last time we spoke and I responded "yes, that is very true, you are a teenager" and he said he was not older than 14..I responded, "I think even younger than that".

Inside, I was astonished that I would answer him...I am sure he thought I was joking...but really I was not.

Teenagers do not want the responsibility of wife/children/family. They want their "independence" without having to "give up anything"....

So what is it that causes some MLCers to "grow up" while others remain blissfully in their "youth"?

I wish I felt 14!

Glad things are going ok Mitzphah. As you stated:

Quote
I carry on, trusting the Lord with my future, surrendering the outcome to Him. I see so many of you dealing with monstery behavior, I am grateful that I have a peaceful relationship with the father of my children and maybe that is exactly how he wants it to stay – maybe this is the way it is going to be? ???
« Last Edit: April 26, 2018, 06:33:40 PM by xyzcf »
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #58 on: April 27, 2018, 05:46:33 PM »
So what is it that causes some MLCers to "grow up" while others remain blissfully in their "youth"?

I'v e thought a lot about that too xyzcf and it's probably got something to do with the ability to have some insight into the fact they are the problem, and willingness to deal with the things they have done once they start to wake up.  If they can't face themselves they would be doomed to stay in MLC forever?
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Anjae

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #59 on: April 28, 2018, 05:52:11 PM »
So, as you see,  a whole lot of … nothing! I find myself in a strange place – I continue to stand for my marriage and I pray for restoration, yet I see no real movement anywhere in any direction.

I think there are several point during MLC when nothing things to move/be different.


Teenagers do not want the responsibility of wife/children/family. They want their "independence" without having to "give up anything"....

And yet, there is no shotage of MLCer who kick the marriage and LBS to the curb, just to stat a new family life with OW/OM, often kids included. Either becuase OW/OM has kids, or because MLCer and OW/OM have a child/children. Many MLCer buy a home with the alienator, and, essentially, replicate what they had.

As for not giving up anything, usually, MLCers give up their control and their freedom, living controlled by OW/OM.

So what is it that causes some MLCers to "grow up" while others remain blissfully in their "youth"?

I think the question is more, why do some MLCer "grow up" much faster than others. Most MLCer come out of MLC, so, they "grow up". However, for some, that takes a decade or more.

I'v e thought a lot about that too xyzcf and it's probably got something to do with the ability to have some insight into the fact they are the problem, and willingness to deal with the things they have done once they start to wake up.  If they can't face themselves they would be doomed to stay in MLC forever?

I think it has more to do with the MLC life, the having money, a comfortable life, or to always have were to go to. Mr J and Mr Xyzcf never suffer a financial dent. They can afford the MLC life. Mr Mitzpah knows he will be welcome back in the family. No need for him to worry.

If Mr J had run out of money, had no job, had no fame, was not a dj with so many patting him in the back and had openly insane OW, I doubt his crisis has last as long. But he has a very comfortable life, and an OW that is sane. I am not saying things are rosy. They aren't. He looks miserable, but his OW is not Ready2's husband's level of crazy. Nor does she drinks, takes drugs or smokes.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #60 on: April 28, 2018, 06:37:09 PM »
Quote
He looks miserable, but his OW is not Ready2's husband's level of crazy. Nor does she drinks, takes drugs or smokes.

I love that mine is a litmus test for crazy!  ;D ;D ;D  I would absolutely agree. I don't think it's an accident that I'm suddenly saddled with emails from mine (almost 90 since January between us!) at a time when the bottom is likely falling out financially. 'Comfort' is the key word. Enabling and emotional comfort are one side of it, but finances I think also play a role.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

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Offline Anjae

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #61 on: April 28, 2018, 09:21:22 PM »
I love that mine is a litmus test for crazy!  ;D ;D ;D 

It is just you have been around for long and I know his crazy and his crazy OW well.  ;) :)

I would absolutely agree. I don't think it's an accident that I'm suddenly saddled with emails from mine (almost 90 since January between us!) at a time when the bottom is likely falling out financially.

Almost 90 e-mails between the two of you since January?  :o If I had a third of those with Mr J since January I would be in need of a very long break/would want to run.  ::) How do you manage to handle it?/Why do you do it?

'Comfort' is the key word. Enabling and emotional comfort are one side of it, but finances I think also play a role.

Finances play a big role. And professional success.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #62 on: April 29, 2018, 07:37:49 AM »
Hi, all, me here.

I keep wanting to comment and then find myself just not knowing what to say.

My own experience is that the financial bottom appears to have fallen out of H's world, yet he keeps running.  The current OW may well be paying for everything, I actually have no idea.    He also has no professional success any more, which I also believed was very important. 

He seems to have entered her world wholesale, constructing a new identity in a way.  I now hear that he is trying to see some old friends, possibly to try to show them that he is now "happy"; I have no idea how happy he is or not. 

My H has "accepted" that he doesn't have a life with our children, yet he is angry at them for not wanting to be part of his life with OW6.

I did think that it was to do with money, but now wonder if even that isn't enough to make them think.  Or is mine just so skilled in constantly getting people to help? 

I keep thinking that surely the bottom has to come somewhere, but as I now have hardly any contact perhaps if it does I won't even see it. 

Sorry this isn't making any more sense, the whole situation continues to baffle me. 

I just live the best life I can. 

Offline MitzpahTopic starter

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #63 on: April 29, 2018, 11:04:25 AM »

You continue to sound strong and graceful but I imagine you are a little tired and restless!  I also imagine you will not show it, as usual you will continue to be the bigger person!


You are kind to me - in no way do I see me as the bigger person... however, you are right, I am weary, very weary and sometimes restless - learning to rest in the Lord daily.


I wonder why he thought the OW should be invited?  Always smacks of entitlement, doesn't it?

He does seem to be around a lot so that is good, feeling his way with the kids before you is the hope.



I don't know if it is he that thinks she should be invited, probably it is she who plays on his sense of 'fairness' because she can't face the idea of him coming alone to a birthday celebration involving my kids. It is pressure from her, for sure.

Yes, I am grateful for his presence with the kids :)


Teenagers do not want the responsibility of wife/children/family. They want their "independence" without having to "give up anything"....

So what is it that causes some MLCers to "grow up" while others remain blissfully in their "youth"?


Yes - even though he sometimes makes gestures in terms of wanting to take on some responsibilities in relation to the kids and even mentioned the other day (to the kids, I was not present) that he wanted to help me in some of the expenses here at the house :o - it never seems to pan out. I think he 'uses' the excuse that he is unemployed quite comfortably.

I think my h. is stuck at the age of his greatest wounding (when his father walked out on the family one day before his sixteenth birthday) and tries to get to the second moment when his father died suddenly due to alcoholism and tabagism when we were 20, almost 21. That was when my father got up in the middle of the night to come out to embrace my h. who finally broke down in my father's arms. He still has not got past these stages in my mind. At least he made his peace with my father before he died last year, but he still needs to make his peace with his own father in some way.



I think it has more to do with the MLC life, the having money, a comfortable life, or to always have were to go to. Mr J and Mr Xyzcf never suffer a financial dent. They can afford the MLC life. Mr Mitzpah knows he will be welcome back in the family. No need for him to worry.



You may be right - although my h. has run out of money, job, and currently does not even have a vehicle to his name (this has been a constant since he was 17 - he has always had a motorbike or car), so it is a big deal to him. Actually, he does have a vehicle in his name, the motorcycle my d23 currently drives and he has graciously allowed her to keep because he thinks she needs it more than him. Guess who contributes to the upkeep of said vehicle? moi of course :P
I agree Anjae, that he knows he can come home or even depend on me or his sister to bail him out if he needs it, so I guess that enables him to carry on as he is ???

'Comfort' is the key word. Enabling and emotional comfort are one side of it, but finances I think also play a role.

Uh hum... let's see how long it takes - I am consistent in what I am prepared to provide, however, there are other sides to this. Ow must be confused, too - or not ???

My own experience is that the financial bottom appears to have fallen out of H's world, yet he keeps running.  The current OW may well be paying for everything, I actually have no idea.    He also has no professional success any more, which I also believed was very important. 

He seems to have entered her world wholesale, constructing a new identity in a way.  I now hear that he is trying to see some old friends, possibly to try to show them that he is now "happy"; I have no idea how happy he is or not. 

My H has "accepted" that he doesn't have a life with our children, yet he is angry at them for not wanting to be part of his life with OW6.

I did think that it was to do with money, but now wonder if even that isn't enough to make them think.  Or is mine just so skilled in constantly getting people to help? 

I keep thinking that surely the bottom has to come somewhere, but as I now have hardly any contact perhaps if it does I won't even see it. 

Sorry this isn't making any more sense, the whole situation continues to baffle me. 

I just live the best life I can. 

I agree - maybe this is how it is shaping up for me?

Thank you for your comments which help me think. I don't think there is anything I can do, other than live the life that is set before me.

At the moment, I am home from church and I have just finished off a half bottle of red argentinian wine with a slice of brie and toasted slices of baguette, d23 has just come in after spending the night partying away, today is her day off, s26 is  here, just gave the three dogs a bath and his girfriend kindly helped me die my hair (my mother had the courage yesterday to suggest I embrace my gray!!! :o >:(). The boxer, which formerly belonged to my h. lays at my feet. It is well with my soul.

I hope you all are having a good Sunday!
« Last Edit: April 29, 2018, 11:08:07 AM by Mitzpah »
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Anjae

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #64 on: April 29, 2018, 05:01:14 PM »
I did think that it was to do with money, but now wonder if even that isn't enough to make them think.  Or is mine just so skilled in constantly getting people to help? 

Like you said, OW6 may be paying for everything. Both Mr J's OWs paid for a lot. OW2, in fact, helps Mr J lead his luxury life, without her, he cannot afford it at that level.
MLCers are very skilled in constantly getting people to help them.


I keep thinking that surely the bottom has to come somewhere, but as I now have hardly any contact perhaps if it does I won't even see it. 

Bottom has to come at a point. When, who knows? You may not see it, but you will end up being aware of it.

I agree Anjae, that he knows he can come home or even depend on me or his sister to bail him out if he needs it, so I guess that enables him to carry on as he is ???

In a way, yes. But it wouldn't make much sense for you to change who you are/how you are. Like all other MLCers (aside from the few that remain stuck), his bottom will come.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #65 on: April 29, 2018, 10:48:09 PM »
I agree that it makes no sense for you to change who you are; I reflect on that as well.  Whatever else happens, I have to the best of my ability remained constant, and that has to be good thing.  Certainly for my children it is. 

I've also reflected on the fact that as this whole situation/mess has developed, it turns out that I really have done the best possible thing for my family and my children; I have safeguarded as much as possible even when it didn't look like it at the time. 

Had I got angry and divorced him earlier on (thinking that that would have been the best way to protect myself) I would have been in a much worse situation, I am glad I stuck to my guns.  Now that is my own unique situation, but I am glad I learned to look at what was best for me. 

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #66 on: May 01, 2018, 05:19:54 PM »
Trustandlove, I wish I had divorced quickly. I find that they have more guilt then and are more generous. The longer I let things go, the more entitled xH got. I did well, but maybe I would have done better. In either case, I am living my life and it's pretty good. :)
trying2bok

Offline FearNot

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #67 on: June 12, 2018, 02:08:46 PM »
Attaching so I can start at the beginning of your thread! Your faith is an inspiration!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #68 on: June 12, 2018, 08:43:31 PM »
There is always such great information here but we do have to remember all MLCers are different. 

My xH was totally crazy about having as much money as possible at the VERY beginning of his crisis and has remained exactly the same.  I would never have done well without a huge fight.  I saw him two days ago, first time in two years and he is still obsessed about grabbing as much cash as he can.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Lioness

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #69 on: June 18, 2018, 02:10:06 PM »
This is really interesting Savoir! My H never hired a lawyer when he was "fighting" to take the kids away from me last year but somehow he has found it in him to hire one to keep me from accessing his share of the federal pension that he already signed off (and is required by law) to let me have. He hired one a few weeks ago. I think there is something about money that makes them feel like they can control us. It's a crazy world MLCers live in!

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #70 on: June 18, 2018, 05:41:10 PM »
I would never choose for their level of crazy in my own head and don't envy them a bit.  I still think they are tossers for being so cruel to us >:(
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline MitzpahTopic starter

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #71 on: June 21, 2018, 12:09:43 PM »
Interesting comments as to whether financial ruin makes them come out of their crisis. Or whether having people who are constantly preventing them from reaching the bottom, including the LBS!

I don't know the answer to that and apparently my h. continues to carry on his path without much hindrance. Or so it seems.

For those who still follow along this rather uneventful thread.  :P

There is nothing much happening at all, I seem to be in some kind of rut, I suppose. Maybe just part of life, we are entering winter here and things seem to be slower at this time of the year.

Kids are finishing up their semesters at college, middle s24 still doesn’t have a job and currently the cancer hospital is not providing him with the medication he needs  >:(, so that’s an added expense and concern. His father stepped up and bought him two bottles of the most expensive which is probably almost gone now. So, I guess it will be my turn in a few days to do the honors.  I hope the cancer hospital sorts itself out soon and starts to supply it again.

Eldest s26 is starting to help me a little with some cash for food every month, his gf is living with us too, she still takes her clothes to be washed at her house every week but for all purposes she is living with us. She is a nice girl and I am thankful she keeps s26 in line, she is not exactly domestically minded, but she doesn’t really make too much work. Our maid is very kind to her too and takes some of the burden off me.

D23 is still her feisty self, a little more friendly to me and we often go to the movies together. She is a hard worker and is responsible with her money; I can always trust her to pay me back what she owes me on the credit card she shares with me. She also studies hard and is disciplined with going to class (much better than when she used to cut class as a teenager!). Not much help around the house  ::) and she can be prickly at times which has us all walking on egg shells certain times of the month!

I have taken more responsibilities at church, not sure about that yet, I am not really a social butterfly and a lot seems to be around organizing fund raising events. Not my favorite thing at all.  ???

I need to sort out my finances and possibly the ‘in the rut’ feeling has to do with having to cut back drastically in order to make ends meet. I am thankful that some of the property taxes I have been paying off are coming to an end next month, also a credit card debt I had renegotiated will be paid off the following month. I still have some considerable bank loan debt to pay off and income tax is taking an enormous cut out of my salary, grrrrrr… >:( >:(

As for h. – who knows? I haven’t seen him in three months, we sometimes talk through texts. He is currently working at the same firm as ow, on a six month project. This was where he worked before and was very unhappy. It is good for him while he waits for his retirement to be approved. They have given him the use of another motorcycle and I know he visits the kids at the house when I am not there. Weekends are completely off limits now, it seems. He has been making an effort to help the kids financially here and there, which I am glad of  :). He dropped off some coffee for our espresso machine, s26 seems to think it was for his sole use but I had some too ;D.

I continue to trust God in all things and I know He will make all things good in His timing.
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Anjae

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #72 on: June 21, 2018, 04:09:16 PM »
Thank you for the update, Mitzpah.

Sometimes we get to a rut. But it will go away.

Hope the cancer hospital goes back to supply your son't meds.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #73 on: Today at 05:36:57 AM »
good to hear from you Mitz!

Rut or no rut you sound strong and secure, that is good to hear!

Hope the meds come along very soon, that is terrible!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Online Thunder

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #74 on: Today at 08:06:36 AM »
I think you're right.  Money is their control.

When mine wanted out we agreed on everything ...except..of course HIS money.

One time out of sheer frustration I said.."Just give me $500 a month and I'm outta here."

Well the shocked look on his face.."$500?!  I can't afford to give you that much, how would I live?"  (he only made $30,000 more than me)   ::)

Guess what, he ended up paying me a lot more than that.  He grumbled one time about it and a kindly (maybe not so kindly) reminded him of my generous offer that he turned down.  Never brought it up again.   ;D
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #75 on: Today at 08:57:57 AM »
Hi Mitzpah! Interesting that H is sort of around. Hopefully he will help out more as needed. I really hope the cancer hospital goes back to supplying your son’s medicine. I can imagine that’s quite expensive.
Overall you sound like you are doing ok. Maybe the new stuff at church will be a good thing for you - to spread the wings a bit

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Revive me again
« Reply #76 on: Today at 03:58:13 PM »
You're sounding good Mitzpah.

Sorry to hear about your son's medicine.  I hope the hospital rectifies this soon!
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

 

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