[stillbaffled]

When people say he left you. He moved on. He is happy... 

I smile, I nod. or I just stare blankly thinking to myself "I hope you never have to walk this path."

If he did just leave me and move on and is happy (which I actually believe they have to be on some level to continue this life like they do), then why did he abandon his children in every sense of the word.

This is not normal behaviour.  If I bring it up to these well meaning people and their comments, they usually stare wide eyed back at me, not knowing how to answer.  Because no man or woman with a good heart or sane mind destroys their children in their own quest for happiness. Most people want better for their children than they had.    I know mine did before he ran away and hid his life for years .

The "not normal" behavior is what people in real life have a hard time trying to explain away.  Good point, LWH. 

[Treasur]

I think it helps to hang on to your own sense of what was normal for your spouse, and is normal for normal people...no matter what others say...because we often see the WTF when others see the mask. Doesn't change it but protects our own sanity really.

Read somewhere that humans essentially act from either love or fear. Vanishers are driven by fear, I think. They run because it's better than facing themselves and they invest in a new 'happy' life to help that make sense. Maybe the more bits of their old life that exist in the new one threaten that strategy? Maybe it's just hard to accept that 'yes, you are actually now a man who abandoned his children and wife and obligations', so it is easier to pretend if you don't see any of them?

[kasss]

Hello, I was reading this, and first time in a year I thought, I just must write. Sorry, English is not my language, I cant write correctly. I am from East Europe and and got vanisher too. All things are absolutely same (exept languags) - I want new life, OW 20 years younger etc. We lived 22 happy years, 3 kids, 2.cats, 2 dogs, big house. Then his mother get cancer about 3 years ago and died 1 ,5 years ago. All the time was very difficult, my h was very worried and mean to me. After mother died in august 2016, he lived like stranger at home-very little talking, no time together, until 15.ocotber, when I got all the same speech. Then I tryed to cope with it, but he monstered so badly, and I asked him to leave in December 2016. He packed some clothes and disappeared. My country and espessily town are so small, literally everybody knows eachother, but my friends and family- nobody have seen him a year. First two months he did not contact our younger son (14) who lives with me, then he started to meet him once in a week, about 20 minuts. Thats get better,  now he even calls him( a minut or so). I havent seen him a year, exept one time inJuly, he was with a girl, and came to me and shouted to me. That she is my new lifepartner, why you do not understand it, I just run away... and my nice saw them kissing (50 years old director of company!) like teenagers in openair concert! Thats all-no more contact to me-no email, call, nothing. I just wanted you all to know, that it happened ablolutely the same way here to-the words,  behavior, everything is same! Thank you all, I read here all the time, the Vanisher -stories are exactly like mine.

[stillbaffled]

Welcome, kasss. 

Sorry you are going through this, but you sure landed in a great place for support, encouragement and wisdom. 

Glad our "vanisher" thread has been helpful to you.  You are also welcome to post your story on our community page so others can welcome you and offer support. 

I hope you'll continue to post.  Your English is just fine!   

[monty]

Welcome kassss , I'm also a newbie to this thread  but been at this since 2014 . I'm like you didn't write for ages until I felt I needed tooxx

[Tyks]

Words from my vanisher... I think he has it backwards. Right now he is going the easy route.

As difficult as it has been I think that I was being honest with my self and you. I feel bad from the fall out of it a lot but I always go back to that. Being honest with my self and doing what I think is right. Instead of what is easy.

[kasss]

Thank You for welcoming me, I just wanted some support, because nobody here does not understand my situation. They tell me to go on with my life and forget this bad man and his bad behavior. But I think that somthing is very wrong with him, I consulted with psychiatrist (to get some ad for myself) who knows my husband too, and she told me absolutely the same-about brain chemistry, like in teenage kids. My husband told to my 14 years old son, that “happyness is in your head, you must not live in past, but move on with your life “! It is so wrong, he never talked like this, it is like somebody else is talking. He is (was) very much like “businessman”-no such kind new-age talk, like mathematic and science person, and now this kind of absolutely strange words to his son, cynic I think. He looks like my son sees, like his classmate: pink trousers and polka-dot shirt-50 year old director! I saw him in July, he was big tall men 190 cm, now he is little skinni old gray hear angry man. I just want to know, will it one day end? He has replaced even cat!

[monty]

I get told to let go , move on ,no one understands unless they have been through it ,, it's hard , you can't help but talk about them to people, but you can see the look in their faces and know they think your obsessed and can't let go ,, but 26 years of being with someone is a long time to forget .it is unbelievable how they change , but people just think it's the normal behaviour for a cheater that's moved on

[kasss]

I think this is absolutely no normal, like the other peoples divorces. There is something else going on. I know my husband at year 1987, we live together since 1994. I suppose to know him better than anybody else. But this person is not him, the eyes were like dark dead animal eyes and he told me that he was unhappy for years! I just wonder, where was I then.  Now he is totally disappeared from me, he only brings his son from basketball about 15-20 minuts two times in week. He never interested, how we managed, only one time sayd, that if I cannot take care to the dog, I must put him to sleep!! That he told to 14 years old, who loves our old dog all his life! Then I understand, that he is not normal anymore. He has been all life very much “family-man”, everybody sayd, that we are made for eachother. It is so paynful, 06.12 last year I asked him to leave, now it is a year and nothing is better.

[bvFTD]

This post has been moved to:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9334.msg634657#msg634657

The subject matter of this thread is : Anyone else have a vanisher.

bvFTD, you have been asked repeatedly. Please be respectful of the mission of Heroes Spouse which is to help people understand Mid Life Crisis.

Thank you