[bvFTD]

Whoever removed my comment:

I hope kasss read it before you did so. Something is very wrong with this site if you discourage people from seeiking medical advice.

bv

[Treasur]

I think the biggest challenge with a vanisher is to hang on to your own sanity and sense of reality, as well as dealing with all the practical fallout they have run from. Fight for it hard, and shut down the internal and external voices that try to tell you something different. It's an act of mental discipline really.

1. No, this is NOT normal behaviour for a healthy adult. Do not let anyone tell you it is.
2. You did not imagine your spouse, life, marriage or family. Trust your own memories and judgement.
3. Vanishers run. People run when they are afraid. It isn't your fear to fix. If they do, they will stop running.
4. It is very easy to believe that vanishers love you less, blame you more or have a better shiny new life. See #1...and control the assumptions you make. You don't know but you can choose what to think. It could be just as true that they run to protect you, that they are an invisible hot mess of shame and fear, that they think of you every day, that they are not happy at all but stuck, that they cry every night. Choose to believe what will help you right now.
5. You need to find a way to deal with the practicalities and heal without answers right now. Answers may come in time, but right now keep it simple...they ran, it isn't normal, it isn't about you, you can't fix it because it is their flawed coping strategy, it is as it is right now, you don't know what will happen to them, focus on what you do know and can control. That's enough.

[ChrissYAH]

Well my x married his ow so I don't understand him having guilt fear or shame I just don't get it.

[Treasur]

Chriss - of course you don't, how can you know what is in someone else's head unless they tell you? But you can choose what is in your own and what will serve you as you try to move forward. Your anger is understandable, but unless it is helping you (and sometimes for a short while, anger does help), you need to let it go.

[ChrissYAH]

I know Treasure and I do try, but him marrying this lowlife is a hard pill to swallow, I never want to see him again.

[Treasur]

I get that, Chriss, but the more you focus on it, the more you give them mental real estate in your life. It isn't about letting go or not being angry for their benefit - f**k 'em - it's about you and your family not going down with the crazy ship.

[ChrissYAH]

Yup, every time I catch my mind wandering I pull it back and try and think of something else, the fact that he asks my daughter about ME makes my blood boil my daughter just overrides his questions atm she's ignoring him.  He's gotten quite a chunk out of this whole thing (money wise) so once he gets his money him and his ow can start their overseas trips and invest in real estate together they really are pathetic.

[kasss]

My son noticed one interesting thing: if I am on a very bad mood, my h is in good mood. If I have a very nice and beautiful day, he is like stormy weather. We have not seen now a year (exept 10 minutes in July, when he went to local club with ow and shouted to me). I cannot understand, how our moods are connetcted, we do not have any connection at all. Only connection is our youngest son. He does not go to house, he drops son out 500 m before house, he even does not care about his dog and cats. It is very strange I think...

[ChrissYAH]

Kass I think thats true i don't understand it but I have experienced it before weird!, wonder if the lbs ever crosses their mind, I don't think I cross his mind at all (whats left of it) he has his new bright shiny 'wife' to 'love' now (puke)

[Shocked]

As you all know I moved to CO last month. I wanted to be closer to family, my oldest daughter. Why? because I needed let go of the old R. I am happier here than I was in the marital home but am I completely happy or over my hurt? Not even close but I am not dwelling on it as constantly. In a way I feel I am hiding here and trying to find a new life to go forward in. Sometimes I wonder if that is what my MLCer has been doing. I know he once said to me, with his hand stressfully rubbing his forehead he said “i’ve Changed” meaning he knew his thinking had been greatly altered.
I say this here because I wonder if their vanishing is like my moving. Are they hiding because their thoughts have changed so much and don’t know how to change them back or have found a happier spot from troubled thoughts. Hiding behind an OP, letting OP them “protect” them during their crisis. The OP would definitely not challenge their behavior like we would. Your thoughts?