[nah]

 
I forgot who started the vanisher threads (I think it was Bluerose?), I hope nobody minds that I started a new one because these threads for a long time have been one of my favorite threads.

Thread number 12 !!!!  Seems even though "they" have disappeared, we have a lot to talk about.

Quote from "monty"  last thread:

I believe being part of the vanishers club doesn't make us better off , they forget about us , our lives , they hide away in the slappers lives and pretend we didn't exist, that's why I think so many vanishers don't come back , they hide their guilt and forget us, the world with the slapper and their new friends , in that world no one knows the truth , they just play along ,, when you got a clinger or boomerang they are always faced with you ,, never to forget their true feelings. We are not blessed , I don't find relief in not having him in my life , knowing he has to work it out himself , he's gone ,i know he will never come back cause he will never have to have any more contact  , with me he will hide from me for the rest of his life

Thread #10 http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9372.0
Thread #11 http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9428.0

[nah]

Part of why I wanted to start a new thread was b/c I wanted to respond to Monty:

Of course everyone has their own opinion and I also wished my MLCer was more of a clinger or a boomerang in the early days  because it seemed to me at least those other MLCers cared enough to at least question themselves enough to waver.  Not mine, he left and seemed confident with his decision.  I was left to try to answer my "what the Hell happened" questions by myself.

Wait a minute.... spend a few years reading what the other MLCers do to their spouses and you might actually be grateful that you don't have one of them.

Here's a few examples of what I have read over the years....

One heard her spouse having sex upstairs with the other woman,their small children in the house.
One found her MLCer packing to go camping with the ow, while she had a medical issue, he literally stepped over her to leave.
One would everyday, leave to see the other woman, then come home and sleep on the sofa.
Many say they are over "her", sleep with the wife and then the wife finds a message.
Have friends, family, your children see him with you, and then her, and then you, and then her....
Mine had me shave his back so he would look good for "her", that was the day before BD.

Please explain to me why you would want them close?  So they can lie, betray, humiliate, again and again and again every single day?  Spend day in and day out playing the "pick me dance"?  No Firetrucking Thank you!!!

About a week after BD I made an offer to The Leaver, I offered for him to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted if he would only see me once a week.  Yep, he could go have sex do whatever he needed to do, and I would keep quiet, loyal as long as I had my "husband" once a week.

Thank God he said No. 

The funny this is, and this is my opinion only, I think the vanishers at least have a little more respect and they know we don't deserve what they are doing, so they can't even look at us.

[Not Applicable]

Nah, speak for yourself.

I'm glad I have mine close, shortly after BD I made a deal with my husband that it would be that way and while the situation as a whole is not what I would want, I have no regrets about it as I still think it was the best possible way of handling the situation in the short and long run no matter the outcome, and I would likely not be wrong if I were to say I have mine closer than anyone or almost anyone else on here.

I made a commitment to this man and in spite of all he still is upholding his commitment to never leave me either, even though there are times he tells me he wishes I would leave. You can say they are doing you a favor by disappearing, but they are still breaking the vows they made to you when they did that.

I choose to stand every day because I know exactly what I am dealing with. I don't know what is going on in his head, but I do know what he is doing in detail. I make choices based purely on the facts of the situation, not my imagination, which is what most LBS' rely on.

Frankly, I do not understand why those who have a vanisher who has been gone for years is still spending a lot of time on thinking about them or even discussing them. They're gone! Why give someone who is out of your life so much space in your brain? They don't deserve it and neither do you.

[nah]

Nah, speak for yourself.

I'm glad I have mine close, shortly after BD I made a deal with my husband that it would be that way and while the situation as a whole is not what I would want, I have no regrets about it as I still think it was the best possible way of handling the situation in the short and long run no matter the outcome, and I would likely not be wrong if I were to say I have mine closer than anyone or almost anyone else on here.

I made a commitment to this man and in spite of all he still is upholding his commitment to never leave me either, even though there are times he tells me he wishes I would leave. You can say they are doing you a favor by disappearing, but they are still breaking the vows they made to you when they did that.

I choose to stand every day because I know exactly what I am dealing with. I don't know what is going on in his head, but I do know what he is doing in detail. I make choices based purely on the facts of the situation, not my imagination, which is what most LBS' rely on.

Frankly, I do not understand why those who have a vanisher who has been gone for years is still spending a lot of time on thinking about them or even discussing them. They're gone! Why give someone who is out of your life so much space in your brain? They don't deserve it and neither do you.

Wow Goner, thanks for your judgement.

I didn't have a choice, like I said, I offered for him to stay close, he choose to vanish.

I am here to support others who have a vanisher much like mine, hence the title of this thread.

[ChrissYAH]

Nah my one is exactly like yours vanisher married the ow, also what is it with the back shaving etc and the no eye contact? its like we make them sick to look at us?

[nah]

They are just guilty, Chriss, and pointing their fingers at us b/c they are too weak to be accountable for their own actions.

[Thunder]

I think nah, was only giving her opinion.

It's hard either way, if the cling or if they vanish.  Both have advantages and disavantages.  We can't judge what another LBS decides to do.  Every situation is different.  We are only here to support each other.

A lot of LBS's have their spouses still at home.  But that can also be very painful.

If a MLCer vanishes it doesn't change the fact that the spouse still loves them and hopes they come back. 
Other people outside of this site would say..forget them, their gone.  Get over it.  It's hurtful.

It's not that easy!  Of course they don't deserve our head space, none of them do and none of us deserve what happened to us.  That's a given.  But you can't just say, forget them, their gone.   

[Tyks]

I am going to completely ignore goner's comment because if you do not have a vanisher you do not understand and you should not even put your two cents in on this thread.

Nah, thanks for all of the reminders about not wanting a clinger or a boomerang.

   The funny this is, and this is my opinion only, I think the vanishers at least have a little more respect and they know we don't deserve what they are doing, so they can't even look at us.   

My stbxh said almost these same words. You do not deserve this, Tyks. I will never put you in a position where I do this to you again, Tyks.

He is gone. He cannot stand to look at me and he will never look back, but it is still nice to have this vanisher thread bc it continues to put things into perspective.

[ChrissYAH]

I will never understand how they can just leave never to return, how can they do that? must have absolutely ZILCH feelings, how scary is that? then move on an marry someone else and pretend nothings wrong.

[Thunder]

Sorry guys,

I know this is a thread for LBS's who have Vanishers, and you have great discussions.
I don't have one and should not be part of this conversation.  But I do read it.

I think unless you have a Vanisher you have no idea how you would handle it.

Ok, I'll go back to reading only.