[stillbaffled]

I'm sorry if the truth I wrote is classed as negativity, but unlike my vanisher I do not live in la la land ,,

Monty - I hope you think my comments were directed at you. I was cross with what GIG had posted a few days earlier, I was late catching up with this thread

Your post was saying how you feel, which is what this place is for 😊

I think she means she hopes you DON'T think her comments were directed at you! She'll no doubt clarify for us! 

[Still Half full]

Whoops, definitely meant DON'T  😄

Thanks SB 😉

Arghhh, note to self - don't post when you can't sleep or when you've got headache 😊

[monty]

It's all ok I knew for me it was early so i didn't see the mistake ,, I got to say that I now believe all the other types of MLc spouses believe we are better off ,, but have you thought about how many of us are stuck and don't move on because we are left abandoned?

[nah]

I got to say that I now believe all the other types of MLc spouses believe we are better off ,, but have you thought about how many of us are stuck and don't move on because we are left abandoned?

I don't know how they feel, but I know I feel we are better off. 

Not initially, no initially I begged, pleaded, cried, offered any solution I could come up with (such as he could do whatever he wanted and I would be faithful) for him to not leave me.  If he stayed, I would have spent my days and nights waiting for him to come home night after night, checking his phone for clues, dissecting every single interactions we had, day after day after day.  Instead within just a few days, I was dating.  I admit that was a little too fast, but I did get out there instead of waiting for HIM. 

How would that have helped me to move forward?

Since he left and left quick (I filed about 5 days after he left) it was like ripping off a band-aide.  Yes, it stung like a bastard but then he was gone.

Those of us with vanisher often have a hard time b/c we are left with unanswered questions.  How is that different than those with a clinger or a boomerang?

"Hey Mr. Clinger, if you love me, why are you hurting me?"  ummm...
"Hey Mr. Boomerang, are you coming home tonight?"  ummmm....

They don't give straight answers either. 

At least with a vanisher it's not dealing with daily lies and betrayals.  They leave, they live another life, and we are left to live our lives.  IMO, we see less reconciliation with vanishers because we are more likely to NOT get stuck, not the other way around.

Not that any of this is easy on anybody but the only other kind of MLCer I personally could tolerate in a non-cheating wallower.  Again, not easy, they all have their own challenges but at least I could feel I was somewhat respected enough to consider a future with a wallower once he came out of it.

[Treasur]

I see stories here and think 'gosh, I'm not sure I could have coped with that'. The brutal thing about a vanisher is the initial shock of 0-60, I think, and the initial powerlessness of trying to communicate with someone who ghosts you. It really does feel as if you, your M and every bit of your life are not even worth an email, and that is a tough kick in the face for your self-esteem. Maybe the boomerangs give you time to adjust bit by bit, but they also keep you stuck in the game too.

I really didn't know what was going on for about 6 months. I knew he was ill. I had no idea about MLC, OW or the lies and chaos to come. That it would get much, much worse. The invisibility of what he was doing probably saved me from having to see it until I was a bit stronger. I'm not sure I could have survived the insanity of a mother with dementia and a clinging mad monster at the same time. And a vanisher made it very stark...my H was a pretty decent human being...who leaves their bereaved wife after 18 years, runs away and refuses to communicate with her for months about anything? I knew it was too extreme to be about me. I knew it was too weird for too long to just be about an affair. It smelt crazy and self-destructive, if that makes sense? Forced NC does leave you with questions and without closure, but it also means you can more easily listen to your own gut instinct rather than being distracted by the noise of MLC. For me, because I had simultaneous bereavements, the grief was the worst thing. And the feeling of helplessness probably. Along with accepting that my H was now someone capable of appalling things, verging on evil without being too dramatic about it.

Coming here, we all see the same cycle of questions for LBS - WTF has turned my spouse into an unrecognisable alien? How could they do x? Is it me? Why don't they see/care about the damage? Why am I the enemy? Is it about OW/OM being 'better'? OMG, what next? Is there hope? How do I survive? What should I do now? How do I piece my/our life back together after this trauma? There is no such thing as a 'better' MLCer or an 'easier' LBS situation...just different flavours of horror.

With a vanisher, most of this 'work' is done alone in our heads. We escape some of the in your face 'mindf**kery' but also see less tangible evidence of MLC and/or reason to hope. With hindsight, I think the biggest challenge for me was my own doubt that this just wasn't normal (for my H, for normal M problem, for normal people) vs the bit of my head that wondered if I was crazy or fooling myself. Surviving was about accepting right deep in my gut that two things were absolutely true: a) this wasn't about me (or OW/OM) but about my H's broken pieces, and b) no matter what anyone else thinks, this is bats$it crazy. Full stop.

[nah]

With hindsight, I think the biggest challenge for me was my own doubt that this just wasn't normal (for my H, for normal M problem, for normal people) vs the bit of my head that wondered if I was crazy or fooling myself. Surviving was about accepting right deep in my gut that two things were absolutely true: a) this wasn't about me (or OW/OM) but about my H's broken pieces, and b) no matter what anyone else thinks, this is bats$it crazy. Full stop.

So true.

Looking back, it was the holiday season when he really starting going off the wall.  FIVE YEARS AGO!!  And I still once in a while wake up and think,.... that was some really fire-trucked up sh!t.

It was then that he became a pro at gaslighting and projection and I was eating up the blame like it was my last meal.  Normal people don't act like that, normal people don't hurt the people they are supposed to love.

So many people that I knew (friends, family, coworkers) sure, they thought it was weird that WE were getting a divorce b/c for so long we seemed like the perfect couple.  However, once I started to talk MLC, that's when most people would shut down and believe I was in denial.  Sure, maybe I was in denial a bit what was happening but still today, I look back and think, that was just not a "normal" divorce.  There was just too much crazy, still too much crazy but at least it's not getting heaped on my shoulders day in and day out.

[ChrissYAH]

I still have no idea if its mlc or he's just your average garden variety scumbag, he took off came by a few times, but every time he'd come by I would go to my room and close the door, so he made a comment about that to the kids, (playing victim) not long after that maybe a couple of weeks he's come over once every few days and he couldn't look me in the eyes, when I found out bout owus, he completely vanished, started divorce proceedings once he got the divorce he started wedding plans with ow. 

So Im guessing he's still in monster mode, why doesn't he monster to owus?? why am I the target for hate and blame? he's been with her for 3 1/2 yrs (bd) and who knows how long before that.

[CallingHeart]

Self-sabotaging / self-destructive is my best guess regarding complete vanishing husband. MIL and I spent hours on the phone trying to reason his actions, and I could see a pattern to his high and low times in his life, and strangely enough, I fit right into that ebb-flow.

I didn't have those first 5 days or that first month or 2 to experience bat$h!te crazy. No rare, not even one monster sighting, unless you count the time he Fed-Exd back to me the unopened letters,cards, gifts I attempted to reach him with. I was granted one 45 minute conversation 2 weeks after abandonment and that was it!!

I might have thought robbery had it not been for that 2 sentence note he left on the TV.

Now that the raw is gone I know that I will be the one to give myself full closure. I know not to expect anything from husband who abandoned his wife.  More and more I'm considering annulling what I once believed to be a marriage.  That's probably the only way to give myself closure.  I'm just not sure, so I'm waiting to figure it out.

[nah]

Wow, CH, it doesn't matter how many times I read these stories, I just don't get how a man can just run away like that.

[bluerose]

    They are not men. They are cowards.