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Author Topic: Discussion General MLC Questions ?

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Discussion General MLC Questions ?
OP: November 20, 2017, 05:08:59 PM
The holidays are coming up, has your MLCer taken trips with the kids? How did those trips work out?
Does your MLCer revisit places you have been before ? Are the MLCers trying to relive memories with the x-spouse cut out of the picture?
Would love to hear from others who have experienced this with their MLCer


http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8954.0


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« Last Edit: February 20, 2019, 02:50:46 PM by Rollercoasterider »

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Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
#1: November 20, 2017, 08:26:38 PM
Quote
Does your MLCer revisit places you have been before ? Are the MLCers trying to relive memories with the x-spouse cut out of the picture?


Yes. It still shocks me . My husband did things and went places with his OW -cow EXACTLY like WE did as a couple. It was even more boggling when our therapist said " that is very typical" and she sees that all the time. WTF?. It is absolutely as if he took me out of the picture and put her in. .. and carried on doing the same things . And... those "things" were what I liked to do and enjoy... not necessarily him. It boggles the brain. There is likely some deep physchological explanation for this....
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Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
#2: November 20, 2017, 09:10:03 PM
The holidays are coming up, has your MLCer taken trips with the kids? How did those trips work out?
Does your MLCer revisit places you have been before ? Are the MLCers trying to relive memories with the x-spouse cut out of the picture?
Would love to hear from others who have experienced this with their MLCer

The holidays are coming up, has your MLCer taken trips with the kids?

My first BD was just a couple weeks before Christmas 2015.  We tried to maintain a sense of normalcy on Christmas and he told his parents that our M was over the day after Christmas.  We were D'ed in April 2016.  In Nov/Dec 2016 he started dating a lady and she moved 4 states away in January.  He pursued her by taking a trip out there a few weeks after she moved there.  He visited there again over Valentine's week.  He took a trip with her to New Orleans in March.  In April he lost his job of 14 years and put his house on the market.  In June he again visited her and they drove back here for her vacation, stopping in MO to meet her mom on the way.  Then he finally vacationed with the kids with her and her kids in tow, by taking them up to his M & F's town, whitewater rafting and taking everyone up to the family cabin.  Then he left the kids early on Father's Day to travel to Cali with her, where there he got engaged, after dating her for 6ish months from 4 states away.  He had just gotten the kids back the day before Father's Day from a trip that they took to MO with his parents but he chose not to go along.   In July he sold his house and moved out to her State.  At the end of July he had me send the kids out to him for 2 weeks and he took them to the surrounding States.  Back to MO to drop off/pick up her kids and see the St. Louis Arch, to Kentucky and IL for day trips.

How did those trips work out?
He was trying to play happy family with her.  I have no idea how the trips worked out, but the kids got to see some new sights and do an Escape room.  They were excited about adding a couple new States into their memories, but they did not have MLCers complete focused attention and were also confused by the onslaught and rush of the "new relationship" and her children into their lives.

Does your MLCer revisit places you have been before ? Are the MLCers trying to relive memories with the x-spouse cut out of the picture?

The very first place he took her when she came to CO was to his family cabin, which was the place that he proposed to me.  With her living mainly in a different state while they were dating, I don't think there were many other revisits.  A lot of the places we used to go are no longer around as well.

His engagement ended in August and he has moved back here.  I have no idea what types of dates he has been on and places he visits now.  I only know that he has a POF account and possibly goes on coffee dates with women from on there.  No clue really.
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Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
#3: November 22, 2017, 12:26:15 PM
My H actually took a shirt out of my closet and gave it to her. I saw a picture of her and he with her wearing it. Can you say messed up?

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Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
#4: March 02, 2018, 12:49:23 PM
quick question, MLCer finalized the divorce

do I sign up for my own health insurance and car insurance right away?
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Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
#5: March 02, 2018, 01:25:02 PM
Does your MLCer revisit places you have been before ? Are the MLCers trying to relive memories with the x-spouse cut out of the picture?

My H took his OW on the vacation we booked back in September with our group of friends. I guess the whole trip was pretty awkward.

strongFaith34 - It might not be a bad idea to look into your own insurance.
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Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
#6: May 08, 2018, 09:50:58 AM
Bumping this thread up.
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General MLC Questions ?
#7: June 17, 2018, 03:42:35 PM
Can anyone explain why the MLCer only shows normalcy or empathy when they are about to do something hurtful i.e. file for divorce, sell the home?

Do they ever outgrow this touch and go behavior, or is this bipolar behavior their new normal?
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#8: June 17, 2018, 03:50:52 PM
I think you answered your own question.  Watch your back when they suddenly seem nice.

As for growing out of their new behavior... each one is different. Almost impossible to predict if they will ever come out.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#9: June 17, 2018, 05:21:08 PM
For those who have gone through the process of selling a home with an MLCer. What is the process in dividing the sale of the house. Did the MLCer clean up the rest of the stuff they left behind? Seems like a difficult thing for an MLCer to do, since they ditched most of their stuff to begin their new life with their new identity.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#10: June 17, 2018, 05:51:25 PM
Well, again, each one is different but for the most part, usually the faster you divide the better off you are financially. Many will give more in the early days bc they feel guilty, their feelings of guilt usually lessens with time.

I might hold the record for speed. Mine left with nothing more than an overnight bag. He had to buy socks and underwear the day after he left. I packed his bags and told him to pick them up. He did and never returned to our house again. That was over five years ago.

I kept the house and all it’s equity.  At the time, he was so afraid of dealing with looking at me, he signed everything over.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#11: June 18, 2018, 04:25:14 AM
Strong, do you have a lawyer?  They can help you with the process of dividing the assets.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#12: June 18, 2018, 04:59:47 AM
Strong Faith:  Great question and one i have myself.  I can’t provide any personal experience, but how I am trying to deal with the possibility.

I agree with Thunder that a lawyer will deal with the assets, paperwork, etc.

For me, my main goal right now is to get MY STUFF organized and sort through what I want to keep versus donate in the event he files.
H gets upset because there is so much clutter and boxes around our garage and basement and claims that I’m a hoarder, but in over half of the boxes is his stuff that he doesn’t even realize that he has.  I want to be ready to move if that point ever comes and he can deal with his stuff.  If he claims he doesn’t want it (like nah’s didn’t care), it can go to the dump.  There are local companies who will do that pretty inexpensively.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#13: June 18, 2018, 07:07:48 AM
I figured this was as good a place as any to ask these questions:

What exactly needs to happen specifically for an MLCer to hit rock bottom?  Especially if there aren't any consequences.
Do we know for sure that rock bottom will actually hit, and why? Especially if no divorce is in process
What if there are no consequences for MLCer to be had??  Does this mean there is no rock bottom?
What if it isn't "so bad" over there with life with the OW??  That is a possibility, isn't it?.

I hear a lot about the MLCer having to hit rock bottom, and I hear a lot about how OW is affair down so therefore that relationship won't last.  But then I read some cases where divorce has happened and the MLCer is now living happily ever after with OW for some years.  Or no divorce has happened and they continue on with OW for years.
I realize there is no crystal ball and all cases are different.  But these are some questions I've thought about and wanted to throw them out here.

And yes, once again, there is no need to say it again.  I realize we need to focus on ourselves.  But because there is a discussion about mlcer questions, I wanted to throw this out there.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#14: June 18, 2018, 09:13:38 AM

And yes, once again, there is no need to say it again.  I realize we need to focus on ourselves. But because there is a discussion about mlcer questions, I wanted to throw this out there.

Yep, all the veterans will say this, and they are right BUT... I hated hearing the same phrase again and again in the early days, so let's play for the newbies.

What exactly needs to happen specifically for an MLCer to hit rock bottom?  Especially if there aren't any consequences.

Great question.  One we all ask, I know I did.  Like an alcoholic or an addict, it's different for everybody.  For an addict, could be waking up sick every morning, losing their job, or death.  Just like a MLCer, we can love them but not enable them, it needs to be their rock bottom, their choice.  Some MLCers see their spouse moving on without them, maybe that wakes them up, maybe they lose their job, their favorite hobbies, lose family and friends, lose respect, integrity, financial security, death of a parent...

The Leaver lost every single one of those things... yet he's still rolling around in his bad decisions. 

What if there are no consequences for MLCer to be had??  Does this mean there is no rock bottom?

Just b/c you don't see their consequences, doesn't mean he doesn't have any.  He needs to look in his mirror everyday.  If he was proud of his decisions, he wouldn't have a problem talking about them.

What if it isn't "so bad" over there with life with the OW??  That is a possibility, isn't it?.

Possible but unlikely.  Here's where it is possible...
If the OW really didn't know the MLCer was married.  BUT... once she found out, she walked away from that sh!t bc well-adjusted adults in a long term relationship who are "not feeling it" turn over every rock to work on the issues THEN get a divorce if it can't be fixed, THEN take some time to work on themselves THEN take some time to enter another relationship.  As for the person willing to enter a relationship with someone who has not done those things, well they are just as messed up.

the MLCer is now living happily ever after with OW for some years.  Or no divorce has happened and they continue on with OW for years.

Sure, many do continue on with the OW for years, but happily ever after?  pfft.  Did they fix their problems before they left?  OR... did they take their problems with them and try to bury them down and avoid them? 

If he's happy b/c he's a little boy who is afraid to face his fears and would rather spend his time with a manipulator/ enabler/ and/or insecure pathetic creature who has no problem destroying a family instead of a real woman who can take care of herself and their family, well I don't want him anyways...
do you?
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#15: June 18, 2018, 11:27:35 AM
Hero, here's my take. Rock bottom can be literally anything, even something that might seem insignificant.

In the account called A View of MLC from an MLCer (you can find this in RCR's blog called Greener Grass and Other Questions or something to that effect), the MLCer describes just waking up one day and his anxiety and depression could no longer be suppressed. If you read his account, it seems like he was living his life with OW, doing well at work, partying and enjoying his hobbies, and so I'm sure it seemed to all on the outside that he was doing great.  But then one day he woke up and, boom, he had what from his description sounds like pretty much had a panic attack and he woke up, or at least that's what started his wake up.

Amy C on the Divorce Busters site describes something about coming across a bad motorcycle accident and that's where she started to wake up.  At the time she had a good job and was still chasing "fun" things and living a life that probably looked to outsiders like she was pretty well done with her "old life."

It doesn't always have to be that the MLCer's life falls apart.  Sometimes rock bottom is something that happens within them.  Just my two cents.

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#16: June 18, 2018, 12:38:46 PM
Hey Nas.
I'll have to go back to the RCR articles to read up on this.
Thank you for your two cents.   ;)
I agree rock bottom can happen within them.  And I also know that for some, maybe rock bottom won't happen until they are much older, or have to have a major life event happen.

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#17: July 14, 2018, 06:10:16 AM
bumping this up by request.
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"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
#18: July 14, 2018, 06:19:25 AM
Quote
Does your MLCer revisit places you have been before ? Are the MLCers trying to relive memories with the x-spouse cut out of the picture?


Yes. It still shocks me . My husband did things and went places with his OW -cow EXACTLY like WE did as a couple. It was even more boggling when our therapist said " that is very typical" and she sees that all the time. WTF?. It is absolutely as if he took me out of the picture and put her in. .. and carried on doing the same things . And... those "things" were what I liked to do and enjoy... not necessarily him. It boggles the brain. There is likely some deep physchological explanation for this....


I just read this and have to say..WOW!! I thought my therapist was the only one saying this behavior is typical.. my H is currently doing this.. its actually becoming very disturbing.. OW is Peruvian, not born in this country and came here in her mid 20s.. all of a sudden she is decorating like me, dressing like me..doing family activities with her son and my H just as we did as a family.. just to name a few..its very creepy..and disturbing..
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OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
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H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
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 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#19: July 14, 2018, 06:29:02 AM
Waiting, that shows how desperate and insecure she is about you.

Why else would she want to be an exact copy of you?  Maybe so your H won't notice she isn't you.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#20: July 14, 2018, 07:47:19 AM
It could also be that your H is encouraging her to do this because that is how he likes his women to look.

I knew of a couple in real life that had a very distinctive and unorthodox way of dressing and I think it really had to do with living out a fantasy that sort of is straight out of a Hollywood film. But then the H started an affair with a much younger woman and SHE started dressing the same way as the wife and wearing her hair like the wife and personally my suspicion is in both cases it was a fantasy of the H and he made his wife dress that way and then he made the affair partner do the same thing as she was barely 19 when he got involved with her and now she is in her late 30s and still dresses that way and in fact has a blog devoted to their way of dress now.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#21: July 14, 2018, 01:33:38 PM
Or because it reminds him of his wife. Or maybe OW just decided to replicated the LBS. That happens a lot.

Most men don't have a "this is how I like my women to dress" thing.

With Mr J it is more going with OW to place we have planned to go to.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#22: December 25, 2018, 05:59:03 AM
Thought I would bump this up again because we seem to get a lot of general questions that would benefit everyone to read and discuss on one thread.
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« Last Edit: January 05, 2019, 12:57:13 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#23: December 31, 2018, 07:15:55 PM
My exH took the kids away for Thanksgiving to a place we had been before - just the two of us.  He later sent me a text, when they returned, that they had visited a restaurant and he and I had gone, and it was "just as he remembered."  Since we have had NC for 11 months, the text was weird - but it is all weird.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#24: January 04, 2019, 08:05:40 AM
Is it normal to have palpitations and get extreme anxiety when I see a text, a mail or even someone tagging my H in social media? His sister just tagged him on something in FB and I had a very short but strong mini panic attack.. He's now in a different country, never really monstered and I'm not in fear for my safety so I just can't understand why I get that reaction.
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BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020
H marries OW - March 2021.. We are not divorced!!!

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#25: January 04, 2019, 11:17:33 AM
Answered on your thread.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#26: January 04, 2019, 11:29:58 AM
ODAT - Idk what's "normal" anymore because non of it seems normal, but I get very high anxiety anytime mine sends a text.  That's partly why I'm not upset I haven't heard from her in about 3 months, even though she's dodging her half of the child expenses.  I'll have to stir the pot again when I get around to filing suit for child support.
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Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#27: January 04, 2019, 11:43:59 AM
I agree, you are probably still pretty high on the anxiety chart after all that has happened so you're more sensitive to things like that.

It takes awhile to get anxiety to a more calm level.
Time will help, but your doctor can give you something that can help you for awhile.  Nothing strong just something to help calm the anxiety.
I think a lot of people have had to take something, temporarily.

Anxiety plays all kinds of tricks with your body.  It's better to get it under control.

Hope that helps some, One Day.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#28: January 04, 2019, 11:48:51 AM
One Day:  Great question!  I had that happen to me.  No reason at all.   I was standing in line at the store.  I suddenly had to leave.  Dropped all my stuff on the counter and managed to walk out.  Sat in my car on the verge of tears trying to catch my breathe for 20 minutes.  Once I could breathe the tears came.   

Looking back, standing there alone triggered something in me.  I shopped alone before so that didn't bother me....I think it was memories of us doing shopping together and having fun.   That was over a year ago.   I talked to my IC about it and she helped me with more mirror work and I had some afterwards....My biggest thing was accepting the triggers and not fighting them.  My IC helped me with breathing exercises to help relax when ever I felt one starting before it got too bad.   Eventually we figured out some triggers and that helped. 

In short....I faced them and didn't try to run from them and eventually they went away...for now.   I know I can handle them if they come back!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#29: January 04, 2019, 12:13:28 PM
Thanks for all the responses. Ok, good to know I'm not gone completely insane then..

xyzcf, thanks for your explanation, I replied on my thread too..

ITV, I know, we crave their presence and attention but we don't want it either.. It's really mind-blowing!! I have 3 different reasons to contact H and I'm putting it off because even thinking about it makes me very anxious..  I get frustrated with myself for having these reactions which makes things even worse.

Thunder, you might be right.. If I think about the weight I lost and the fact that I haven't put it back on despite over indulging a lot more than before, it's probably down to stress and anxiety. I take magnesium twice a day to help me with my nerves but I might need something stronger.. If I can't get a handle on it, I will discuss with my doctor..

Sam, the list of triggers in endless! I completely understand the supermarket scene, I actually started going to a different supermarket because the whole shopping experience was too much for me. I went to IC earlier this year and she taught me breathing exercises too now that I think of it but I was so traumatized I think I just used the sessions to cry.. I've been thinking about going back for a while so now I feel a bit stronger, I might get more out of it.

What makes all of this worse is that people in RL think I should be fine, move on, forget about it all.. They really don't get all the trauma we need to get over and all the side effects we are left with..
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H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020
H marries OW - March 2021.. We are not divorced!!!

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#30: April 20, 2019, 02:00:41 PM
IS RCR on this forum? I tried to search RCR and did not locate it. Can you help me find it? I would like to read it.

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#31: April 20, 2019, 02:54:24 PM
IS RCR on this forum? I tried to search RCR and did not locate it. Can you help me find it? I would like to read it.

Caroline

RCR is Rollercoasterider.  This is her website.  If you go to the main page of the Hero's Spouse Website, not the this forum, she has shared portions of her story.

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#32: April 27, 2019, 11:58:18 AM
Can someone explain to me why the thread about the OW/OM has been locked?
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#33: April 27, 2019, 12:36:34 PM
Sorry--I meant to post a comment on there. We have locked it--after moderator discussions--for a cool down period. I like the thread--but as you know it went a bit of topic. I will try to remember and come back and post a reason on the thread itself later--making lunch now.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#34: April 27, 2019, 12:53:19 PM
Thank you

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#35: April 28, 2019, 02:19:44 AM
I wrote a pm note , lost it , how do i find it?
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#36: April 28, 2019, 02:41:12 AM
I hope OP suggestion worked for you.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#37: May 18, 2019, 04:37:42 AM
Can rcr elaborate on intermittant liminality? My h has always said he doesnt see a future with his ow. well that was 2 years ago and still together. a year ago they broke up and h said he wasnt going to last much longer?   it is stated in the article that  knowing they want to end it happens LONG before they end the affair? how long is long? When they got back together, it seems as though they have developed a more "real" relationship. she finally met his mom. went on vacation together with her kids.  In the same time connecting with my kids more.  more cycling from his end ,it seems.  What is going on?
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#38: May 18, 2019, 05:08:12 AM
KB, I'm sorry I never heard that term "intermittent liminality."

Was that in her articles?  I looked but couldn't find it under her articles on liminality.

Is he acting very depressed?  The depression usually gets much worse when they are in the liminality stage.
 
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#39: May 18, 2019, 05:19:20 AM
  it is stated in the article that  knowing they want to end it happens LONG before they end the affair? how long is long?
I am not RCR but normally anyone trying to put a TIMELINE on anything MLC is on a fools errand.

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#40: May 18, 2019, 01:56:10 PM
The Intermittent Liminality article is in the Blog articles list.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#41: May 18, 2019, 02:05:17 PM
https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/intermittent-liminality/ - Intermittent Liminality

parts of the article:

"Recall that the seeds of each stage begin in the preceding stage. Whether an MLCer’s main Liminality is intermittent or not, most will begin with Intermittent Liminality as part of their transition from Escape & Avoid. They will initially dip a toe into the liminal pool, venturing deeper on later visits, but at this point they are still in Escape & Avoid. Eventually they will go deep enough to drink the liminal water—liminal poison."

"Liminality may be a distinct phase where a person goes into a liminal space and stays there until they climb out of the liminal space. But that is not how it is for everyone. Life goes on and not everyone has the opportunity or ability to withdraw from life and functionality. For some, Intermittent Liminality may be their main method of going liminal. They take their liminal space as they can get it: weekends away or spent in solitude, mini vacations—either leaving or staying home."

"But what if they are still in a relationship with the same person from Replay?
Intermittent Liminality is part of the Limbo transition and thus it begins in Escape & Avoid. This may be the period when the relationship ends. The boundary between Escape & Avoid and Liminality is subjective, there is usually not one moment where they are in one and then they cross into the next a moment later. The affair is likely coming to an end, but as with everything, that is a process. "

The whole article is worth reading.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#42: May 18, 2019, 07:11:50 PM
Thanks Anjae.

I never, in all these years, read that article.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#43: May 19, 2019, 01:34:42 AM
My question was , can rcr expand on the subject?  please  I know timelines arent an exact but curious.   Is limbo considered around the end of replay?
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#44: May 19, 2019, 06:52:23 AM
I don't know.  I hope RCR reads this so she can answer you.

As far as I know they don't all go into limbo.  It's not really a stage, some just get stuck I guess.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#45: May 19, 2019, 11:48:55 AM
Kb,

From what I remember reading about stage obsession - people get stuck in replay. Not in limbo or liminality

That is what I observe with my h. - he is stuck in replay - quite different from the beginning, not high replay. He is quite conversant with the kids, he can be quite nice with most people... He is just very active in replay activities (fixing motorcycles) and very sure that he doesn't want to come home. He is showing to the world that his relationship with ow is his ideal.

I am thankful for the good relationship he has with our children.

Whether he will ever look in my direction, who knows? It has been over eight years now
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#46: May 20, 2019, 12:39:19 PM
You're welcome, Thunder.

Keep, Limbo is not a stage, it is a phase between stages:

https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/limbo-the-threshold-between-phases/ - Limbo: The Threshold Between Phases

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_progress_back-limbo-forward.html - Back-Limbo-Forward--Repeat

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_progress_back-limbo-forward_limbo.html - Limbo


What Mitz said, if they are going to get stuck, MLCers will be stuck in Replay. What may happen in limbo (the one between Replay and Liminality) or liminality is that they may get so depressed they will try to kill themselves.

No one knows the timelines. They are different for each MLCer.


Maybe reading and re-reading the articles may help you, Keep?

https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/archives/ - Blog articles

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html - Main articles
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#47: May 23, 2019, 02:19:51 AM
What i read is most get stuck in limbo?  Im assuming this is when the high from replay doesnt do it for them anymore but continue because they dont know what else to do.
RCR is this correct?
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#48: May 24, 2019, 09:59:12 AM
Did you read RCR articles, Keep?

If they continue in Replay because they don't know what else to do, they are still in Replay. They will only move from Replay if they reach Liminality.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#49: September 17, 2019, 02:30:13 AM
I was looking for the article in which the mlcer gives reasons that he  wont/cant  come back.  can you help me find it? particularly the one about too much damage , Thanks
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#50: September 17, 2019, 02:52:25 AM
Oh boy Keep, I think I know which one you're talking about.
I'll try to find it. 
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#51: September 17, 2019, 03:59:36 AM
KB sorry, I couldn't find the one I was looking for but if you go to "Reality Bites" part of this article there is some information about them seeing all the damage done, fearing there is no return. There are also ones who have no desire to come back.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_liminality.html
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#52: September 18, 2019, 04:18:27 AM
I looked back at the articles.   The threshold between describes h.   too much damage, even asked recently about how to fix it. completely avoiding liminality.  back and forth. What could possibly push him forward into full liminal depression? 
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#53: September 18, 2019, 04:42:05 AM
Kb, I don't believe there is anything you, or anyone else, can do to hurry it along.
It will need to come from him.  As irritating as that is. When he is really ready to face the reality of what he has done, I expect he will.

Sometimes it just takes a small thing to send them into depression bad enough to want to change.

Sometimes it's something big.  No one knows what causes them to go into liminal depression, but you would see it.
It is a dark place they go in.  Not just your normal MLC depression.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#54: September 27, 2019, 03:00:57 AM
There was a section that mentioned the stubborn mlcer. Could you tell me where to find this ? thanks
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#55: September 27, 2019, 03:57:53 AM
KB, can you be a little more specific?  Stubborn in what way?  Most of them are stubborn.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#56: September 27, 2019, 07:02:31 PM
Rcr wrote about it. Thats all i remember.  My real problem is , i cant seem to find the article list anymore.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#57: September 27, 2019, 07:49:36 PM
KB,

I have the same problem.  There are a lot of articles by RCR and there are various ways to find the lists.

This may help some.
https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/2013/08/11/midlife-crisis-resources-at-the-heros-spouse/


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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#58: September 30, 2019, 07:15:43 AM
There was a section that mentioned the stubborn mlcer. Could you tell me where to find this ? thanks
I cant seem to find the article list anymore.
List of Blog Articles--Archives
List of Main Site Articles--Chapter Contents

It's been maybe a year since I updated the design of things at the main site. Since then some hyperlinks have stopped working and I've had to fix them. I am not sure if I have fixed some more than once. PLEASE let me know if a link doesn't work or if it goes to what seems to be the wrong place.

As for an article about MLCer's being stubborn, I don't recall writing about that as a specific topic, but have mentioned that they are stubborn perhaps a few times. Try a google site search: site: midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com stubborn and another site: loveanyway.theherosspouse.com stubborn.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#59: September 30, 2019, 03:37:59 PM
Thanks RCR, that is very helpful.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#60: October 02, 2019, 03:46:48 AM
Thanks
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#61: November 18, 2019, 02:07:40 AM
Anyone know how Mitzpah is doing?
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General MLC Questions ?
#62: March 16, 2020, 08:58:56 AM
My mlc H keeps finding reasons to put blame on me for how things are or he keeps bringing up “my faults”. Why does he KEEP doing this? Also if he’s been so unhappy with “my faults” and blaming me for everything wrong in the marriage; why wont he just leave me alone? He’s already in an apt and seeing OW since I made him leave🤷🏼‍♀️.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#63: March 16, 2020, 09:37:43 AM
Hi Melinda, I haven't read all your thread, but it's very typical for clingers to want the best of both worlds.
They still see you as the wife, even though they have someone else.

This is where boundaries are important for you. 
May I ask how he is not leaving you alone?

This may also be a good question to put on your thread so others can chime in and give you advice.
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General MLC Questions ?
#64: March 16, 2020, 11:51:15 AM
Thunder; I’m new to the site and only have made 1 other post. My H seems to come up with reasons to come to the house (to see our daughters) or use “financial “ as a reason to call. I’m still learning all the “games” a mlc person will do. What happened last night was not good. Our 23 yr old had an incident (medical) and he asked her if he could come and see her and give her a hug. She said no that she wanted to rest and what not. He was insistent and she gave in. He said he wouldn’t stay long. I stayed in my room and my 18 yr old “hid “ in hers (she wants no contact right now). About 10 min after he got here, he was texting me about wanting to go out to eat. I was like hellll no. He ended up coming to room and pretended he needed something from there(nothing of his in room); he ended up wanting to talk/argue. I took him to garage for his boxed belongings and more argument from him went with it. He ended up leaving and THEN he gave my daughter her “hug”. He pretty spend no time with her. This is how he works his crap with me. I’m trying to understand all this; but it gets confusing😂. Why does he only blame me and not blame himself. Ive read all the mlc stages and is it possible to be in several at the same time?
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#65: March 16, 2020, 01:27:21 PM
Melinda I put this out on your thread so you can get more input.

Your thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11410.0

But the answer to you question is yes, they can be in two different stages at the same time, or go back and forth between them, that's why stage watching does you no good.

Hugs. 
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#66: May 18, 2020, 08:47:48 AM
I’m still trying to figure out where I am in this. Husband left January 25, 2019 with the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. He moved in with a woman he started messaging 6 weeks before he left. She has 5 children, 5 ex husbands, and about 1/2 dozen ex boyfriends. He spends all his time being a father to her children, while ignoring our own. He allows her to post and tag our children to show him how great of a father he is to hers. We are still attached, but they got “married” September 14, 2019. No matter what happens in his life, it’s my fault. Lost the successful business we built after locking me out and giving her full access right away. This is insane.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#67: May 18, 2020, 09:15:06 AM
Kamjw,

I am so sorry you are going through this.  You are certainly are not alone.

Nothing you are saying is unusual with someone in a midlife crisis.  They truly lose their mind and do things that will shock you.

Do you have a lawyer to protect you, financially?  It would be the best thing you could do right now.  Also start reading some of the article, they will help you understand what is going on with your husband.

Maybe you could please start a thread to tell us your story.  That way people could join in and try to support you.
Just use "new topic" "your story" (white book) and give it a title, please do not use your real name.

A little more information would be useful.
Like how long you have been married, his age, the age of your children.
Just some background information.

Again I am very sorry this is happening to you.
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General MLC Questions ?
#68: February 09, 2021, 01:02:05 PM
The more I read, the more I'm curious about the significance of marrying the affair partner.

For a while I consumed a lot of internet advice websites that said that people don't typically marry their affair partners.  Then, much to my surprise, it happened.  Moreover, they've been "happily" together for about 8 years now.  It's OW's third marriage, H's second.  All statistics on marriage everywhere say that this situation is basically a unicorn.  They should, by all accounts, be doomed to failure.  It's left me wondering two things:

1) Is marriage to the affair partner more likely in an MLC situation than a typical affair? and
2) Are there any known instances of someone marrying the OW/OM and then divorcing them later?
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#69: February 09, 2021, 02:30:24 PM
Hi Marian,

These are such hard questions to answer because there is no real data/statistics to look at, or to go by.  So many different scenario's in play here.

I have seen many over the years. 

I think it may depend on a few things.

- Was the spouse really in a Midlife Crisis or possibly maybe in an unhappy marriage?  This takes a lot of honesty on our part.

- Could it be the people in the marriage have changed over time and really are no longer compatible?

- Sometimes the MLCer remarries, and may be not truly happy but they do not have the courage, or strength it takes to fix things, it's easier to just stay in the marriage their in and make the most of it. 
Or their LBS has moved on and no longer wants to reconcile with them.

8 years is a pretty long time to stay married to someone, but who knows?
I personally would think if things were not good it would not take 8 years to figure that out.

I'll catch up on your thread.  Sorry it's been awhile.

2 Questions:
What makes you think they are happy?  How do you know this?
How have you been moving forward with your life these last 8 years?

Hugs
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"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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General MLC Questions ?
#70: February 09, 2021, 03:28:20 PM
Thanks Thunder.  I really have no idea if they're happy.  I really don't have much more than social media to go by at this point, and let's face it, everyone looks happy on that.

I've done enough that I'm not sure I want him to come back, actually.  That's not what my question is really about.  The more obvious aspect is that I question if it was really MLC or something else.  I think on a deeper level, it's more about struggling with a sense of order in the universe, if that makes sense -- the idea that this kind of recklessness is completely justified by the "happiness" it produced. 

They've only been married since '16 -- in mentioning the 8 years I counted from the beginning of the affair, or at least when H began staying with her, approximately.  As you said, one would indeed hope that it would be apparent if it were an unhappy situation, but there are less than obvious reasons people stay. 
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"One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will become someone else's survival guide."  -- Brene Brown

Me - 62
H - 62
Married 1984
OW - 2013 or earlier
BD - 2013
Divorced 2014
Married OW 2016

3 kids
S - 24
D - 32
S - 34

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#71: February 10, 2021, 06:41:42 AM
  I really have no idea if they're happy.
People leave relationships because they are unhappy so the question is why were they unhappy?

Love is a choice and when one person stops choosing to love or choosing to be unhappy this is the problem for the relationship.

Whether it is MLC or not the unhappy person must decide that they are going to get better or their will never be a reconcilliation of any type.

All we can do is to become the best version of our selves and live a good life.

So what does that look like for you?
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#72: February 10, 2021, 11:34:51 AM
I'm happy to move this to my own thread if it's better suited there, but I wanted to chime in as someone who has similar stats (BD 2011/D 2013/M to OW 2015) and sought a lot of data in the same way over the years.

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1) Is marriage to the affair partner more likely in an MLC situation than a typical affair?

I've not seen anything that confirms this, but it does seem as our membership has grown here, more MLCers have married their OPs. That's just going on what I've sensed from reading story threads, not any numbers I've tallied. There are more children being born of the unions, too. All of that may just be because there's a bigger sample of people from when I first came here in 2012.

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2) Are there any known instances of someone marrying the OW/OM and then divorcing them later?

It's complicated.

From MLCers whose spouses are on this forum? I can't think of any who have divorced the alienators once they are married to them. In real life, there are certainly examples, but they usually lead to more marriages to other people, not a return to an LBS. I do know one man in my industry who shared his story with me back in 2011. He left his wife and kids for another woman, had kids with her, then later divorced and remarried his first wife (they're still together, running a business and very happy. He'd told me his wife had been a stander, and it was never an issue to remarry, but the kids from the first marriage were a tougher hill to climb. He said he expected winning back their respect was going to be his life's work). But that sample of one has not in any way mirrored my experience. I still find it to be a beacon of hope for how good people can find their way back to not just their families, but to themselves.

To further complicate the answer about divorce and the forum though, there are LBSs here who were either the affair partners or second marriages without affair being present who have seen their spouse return to the first marriage. Should those numbers count toward divorcing an alienator or marriage reconciliation? And none of what I'm saying is to place judgment on anyone, I'm strictly talking for numbers. How deep of a covenant keeper a person is may play in to how you view the situation. A two-year first marriage, then a 30 year second marriage, that then goes back to the original spouse, may be a dream reconciliation story to a committed covenant keeper, or just another crazy symptom of MLC to an LBS who is not a CK.

This is where the longer past BD we go, the less the statistics really paint any pictures for us, but the fine details of our individual situations do, I think.

In my case, my xH found someone who was also married and had the same problems he has, they have a crazy life that is likely bonded by mental health issues, financial problems, job loss, family issues, addiction and an off the charts dependency on social media and tech that keeps them distracted from working on themselves in any sort of healthy way. Their "happiness" and "love" is relative to all of those things, and certainly, they have a lot in common that could make it complicated should they ever wish to separate. He would in no way be a match for me at this point, and I have no desire to gloss over all that has happened to me because of this episode in his life (though I stood for over 5 years initially, even after the divorce), so I don't really need to disqualify any happiness he may be having. It still sucks that this happened and there is a lack of justice that someone can just blow up a marriage and life goes on. But taking focus off of that is really the only key to getting past it, because that fact is not going to change. Even if they came back and wanted to atone, it wouldn't take away that it happened. So all we can do is heal, no matter what.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#73: February 10, 2021, 12:05:31 PM
Ready this is a discussion thread, open to anyone who can try to answer someone's question.

You made a lot of good points, even though sometimes we don't have answers to specific questions.  All we can do is give our opinions or share any information we have, including experiences we have had that may help.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#74: February 10, 2021, 01:39:50 PM
It still sucks that this happened and there is a lack of justice that someone can just blow up a marriage and life goes on. But taking focus off of that is really the only key to getting past it, because that fact is not going to change. Even if they came back and wanted to atone, it wouldn't take away that it happened. So all we can do is heal, no matter what.

This.

I think people assume I'm asking because I'm hoping for a return, and that's not necessarily so.  I think at first I assumed, based on everything I read about marriages that start with affairs, second and third marriages, etc., that they were simply doomed and it was a matter of time before the karma bus came for them.  As time has gone on, this has evolved from a personal loss (which honestly doesn't feel that bad anymore) to a questioning of the "moral arc of the universe."  It's taken an uncomfortable adjustment to my worldview to process this situation.  The fact that they've beaten so many statistical odds seems to add an aura of magic/mystique to their relationship as well.  I can't say that I know very much about their happiness or lack thereof, just that they have stuck it out this long.  They go on nice vacations and have fun holiday parties.  What lies beneath that veneer is anyone's guess.

Everything I learned growing up, the morals I taught my kids, my entire worldview suggested that making a decision this ruthless and selfish would, at very least, eat you alive from the inside, even if you got what you wanted at first.  I watch exH with a sort of sick fascination as he continues to prove this untrue. -- or at least appears to.  I try to keep myself from falling into bitterness, because some days it just feels like rules are for suckers.  I realize it's best not to worry about it, but oddly enough, this is one of those strange facets of the situation made worse by time, because the longer it goes without any sense that what happened was wrong, the less likely it seems that realization will ever come.
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"One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will become someone else's survival guide."  -- Brene Brown

Me - 62
H - 62
Married 1984
OW - 2013 or earlier
BD - 2013
Divorced 2014
Married OW 2016

3 kids
S - 24
D - 32
S - 34

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General MLC Questions ?
#75: February 10, 2021, 04:53:14 PM
I don't know. It seems that some people continue to thrive no matter what they do while others who are basically saints experience great hardships.

All the data that we analyze means nothing for individual cases.

When we focus on stats for second and third marriages, we tend to focus perhaps on the number of marriages that don't last..but I know of many second marriages that have lasted for decades and the couples really are happy.

My husband is living the life that he chooses to live. It doesn't include me, it doesn't really include our daughter and after so many years, I accept that these are his choices...they would not have been mine.

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I try to keep myself from falling into bitterness, because some days it just feels like rules are for suckers.


I think that I am following what I feel is right, what my moral compass has always told me...and I am ok with that. I cannot judge him really, no, there really is no point.

He is on a different path and that is his freedom, not mine to determine.

I feel grateful for the life I have and try and do the things that bring me joy.

I think that one of the reasons I don't want another relationship, is that I never want to chance being hurt this way again. Even that, as much as I would like, I cannot blame him for..once again, that is my choice and who I am.

Not sure if this makes any sense at all....I just have seen many people who don't follow the rules and their lives seem to always turn out well.
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« Last Edit: February 10, 2021, 04:54:25 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#76: October 26, 2021, 10:36:43 AM
I have a few questions:

Is it normal for the MLC to continue on with work like nothings going on?

Is it really that easy to compartmentalize everything? For my MLC H there is a lot of drinking and weed being used to cope. But he keeps it together at work- although he complains about it to everyone. Works sucks because of this or that.

The first few days after BD I asked him if he knew what he was doing...You are leaving your family, your kids, your home. Starting over in a new place with no one there. You are going to be alone and it's going to be hard...do you know what you are doing? To which he replied "When you say things like that you make me want to kill myself".  I wasn't saying it to be mean...I was stating the situation as it is/was. Isn't it crazy how the MLC is so detached from reality that when they hear it described they still don't believe it?
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#77: October 26, 2021, 02:27:18 PM
Kelly I said something very similar to my MLCer in the beginning.

"Is all this really worth losing your family, your wife and possible your house?

His answer: "You don't really want me to answer that, do you?"

I had my answer.   :-\

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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#78: October 26, 2021, 03:42:24 PM
Think of it like teenagers. They act from selfish emotion, not logic. A child can be studious, outgoing, and have a bright future, then one day take up with the wrong crowd. Maybe they just experiment with drugs a little, or take on a new social group and throw away all their old friendships, or meet a bad boy type that they'll just DIE without and you just don't understand their love. It's sounding more like MLC already! ;) You can explain all day how this can impact their bright future in so many horrible ways, but you know you're fighting a losing battle (or making them that much more intent on making you the bad guy). If they reach a point where you have to set some boundaries, you do it, but otherwise you have to let them make their own mistakes and live their own life. It's bizarre to have to take that same stance with someone you built a life with that suddenly turns tale to proverbially go hang out in 'smoker's corner' on school campus. But this is where they're at. Some of them can compartmentalize some aspects (mine did not do well with work, but he leaned heavily on the enablers in his FOO and his hobby friends). Wherever they face judgment or accountability tends to go. Where they can coast a bit or their identity change isn't a factor tends to stay.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#79: October 26, 2021, 09:27:16 PM
"Think of it like teenagers. They act from selfish emotion, not logic."

Well said Ready..well said.
Bout sums it up!
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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General MLC Questions ?
#80: October 26, 2021, 09:39:34 PM
Is it really that easy to compartmentalize everything? For my MLC H there is a lot of drinking and weed being used to cope. But he keeps it together at work- although he complains about it to everyone. Works sucks because of this or that.

Hi Kelly,
 
I think my W also compartmentalizes her life right now as she has a separate world one week when she doesn't have the kids (we split custody 50/50) and then lives her life as a mother on the week she has the kids.  My W also is drinking a lot to cope with her struggles.   I tried to get her to stop drinking before BD and even recently.   She just seems to be in her own world and doesn't appear to understand the devastation that she is causing.  I am just trying to detach and focus on what I can control which is me and how I handle things in the my life.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

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#81: November 03, 2021, 12:36:28 PM
I'm not sure if it's compartmentalizing like I thought before. I think they go into robot mode. And it's in the down time when they aren't busy that they lose it, lash out and act out- replay at it's finest. I wonder how long they can keep the two separate? So weird.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#82: November 03, 2021, 02:43:13 PM
Hi Kelly,

I understand compartmentalizing, but I'm not sure exactly what you mean by their down time.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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#83: November 03, 2021, 02:50:45 PM
Well for my H, it would be when he's not at work keeping up that image of owner. When he goes home at 5, he usually drinks, checks emails, sales reports, cooks something or grabs some food and then goes to bed by 8. Its usually in the evenings when he lashes out at me or goes to the bar or gets inside his head. Maybe that is compartmentalizing. Idk. Just weird that I can talk to him while he's at work- and it's all business. Then in the evenings he's a completely different person.

Either way, sort of a non-issue right now because I'm trying to limit contact as much as possible and focus on my side of stuff. Just find it interesting how they seem to hold it together for the most part. Must be exhausting.
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#84: November 03, 2021, 03:14:00 PM
Oh I bet it is!

You're right though, this is their struggle to figure out who they want to be.   I don't envy them.  They are so lost and have no idea who they are or who they want to be.

It can be a real identity crisis for them.
I'm sure on some level it is very scary for them.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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#85: November 29, 2021, 05:02:43 PM
I talked to my H a few days ago and he mentioned being 'exhausted'. So they definitely 'feel' it weighing on them in one way or another. Just makes you wonder how long they can go on like that.
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#86: November 29, 2021, 06:06:50 PM
From me XH own thoughts. He said it took all his energy to fake it at work. When he then came home and I had questions or needed time it was overwhelming. I think that is where the need to escape came in. The feeling if they didnt leave they will die. The Ow colws in as a escape from the life they are living.  You would think it they are so drained and exhausted how do they have the energy or mindset to handle a new relationship?? They dont. That is when they finally crack and leave, because the Ow is the only escape from their life that is working at the moment
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#87: November 29, 2021, 08:49:10 PM
Just makes you wonder how long they can go on like that.

I expect until they are completely worn out, they can't run from themselves forever, they tried everything, nothing worked to make them feel better, so all they have left is to look inward and start doing the hard work of trying to heal themselves.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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#88: November 30, 2021, 03:54:36 AM
XH has been doing it since 2012. Little bits and then escalated to now moving in with OW. He has physically aged 20 years. It takes a huge toll, but personally I think his wheels are coming off now. Everyone has a total breaking point or they just totally lose themselves. I think most will face their issues IMHO
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#89: November 30, 2021, 05:45:27 AM
Those are all signs of depression.
Thats why you are posting here, they are in MLC.
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#90: November 30, 2021, 06:08:40 AM
Agreed! Depression and identity crisis if you ask me, but all are different
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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General MLC Questions ?
#91: November 30, 2021, 06:32:07 AM
There’s an old joke, Are you ignorant, apathetic or ambivalent?
 “I don’t know and I don’t care one way or another.”

Depression doesn’t always lead to a full on face planting breakdown. Complacency and depression are unfortunately a dangerous combo because they can join hands and hold on for a very, very long time, maybe forever. That’s why all we can do is move forward for ourselves.
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