[MadLuv]

Agreed! Depression and identity crisis if you ask me, but all are different

[Nas]

There’s an old joke, Are you ignorant, apathetic or ambivalent?
 “I don’t know and I don’t care one way or another.”

Depression doesn’t always lead to a full on face planting breakdown. Complacency and depression are unfortunately a dangerous combo because they can join hands and hold on for a very, very long time, maybe forever. That’s why all we can do is move forward for ourselves.

[Keep believing]

Does any one know how Milly is doing? Have not heard from her in a while.

[KellBell]

I'm wondering if anyone else's MLCer isolates? My xh moved out of state to a town where he doesn't know anyone, no close friends nearby or family around. The only connection is that there is an opportunity to for him to grow sales in his family business (which he is just sure will make him happy at work) and also he always wanted to go to college in CO but dropped out first semester and moved back to our home town. So maybe some kind of regression attachment as well.

But he keeps to himself. Has quit talking to his two high school buddies that he used to talk to via phone calls once or twice a month. Those calls picked up once he moved out there and I was glad that he had someone to talk to (and a few people to just look out for him). But since then, he has cut off regular contact. I know for sure with one of them because he kept questioning him as to why he would just leave his kids and not want regular contact, custody or visitation. Can't have any accountability - so I'm sure that's why he quit talking to him.

Anyway he pretty much just works, sometimes drives (up to the mountains and long car rides) or just sits in his rental listening to music and working. He goes out to dinner sometimes by himself but really not much else. He has been trying to talk to our older twin Ds a bit more on the phone and they don't really have much to say so he just talks to fill the silence. And also I think because he's legit lonely. When I saw him a few weeks ago - he really looked terrible. Sad, tired and worn down. Definitely aging.

( I'm pretty certain there is no OW, but who can be 100% sure.  Honestly at this point it would make so much more sense if he did. He told our D10 that he was happy being alone. Which who tells their kid that? But a question for another time.)

So I guess just wondering how many MLCers really just want to be alone? To isolate? He's been there almost 7 months. Nothing has changed. No hobbies. No new interests. Just same depression different location. I mean if nothing else - he's having alot of 'me' time. Really hope he's using it process, grow and heal.

I should also stipulate that my husband was 'unhappy' about work, his family and our life. He left our life. Quit our family and changed work since he feels he can't walk away from that. So basically everything and everyone was making him unhappy. He himself had no part in that, 

[Ready2Transform]

A lot of them say they're isolating. Technically, my xH left our home for his parents' basement, focusing on the 'work' he had at that time (getting insurance licenses - a new career that didn't last six months), spending all kinds of time to himself according to my xMIL. But really, he was spending all of his time texting OW who lived out of town. He was so obsessed with their fantasy life that he floundered at everything else. He was hiding the relationship from others except their mutual friends, so to the outside world, he seemed like a sad solitary sack.

I don't say that to put fear in you, but more as a cautionary tale, and as validation. Whether there's an OP involved or not - he's not acting rationally and he's likely in MLC, from what he's doing. But you might want to prepare yourself to eventually hear that there's someone else, because that is what most of them do. Don't feel too sorry for him, sitting sad by himself. I personally lost good time to that, and it wasn't even the situation. Even if he doesn't have someone else, his behavior is totally unfair to you, your children, and your marriage. Big hugs.

[KellBell]

I really am fully prepared for that - or at least as well as I can be. I don't think he would hide that type of thing from his buddies...they were never my biggest fans. But who knows. And really it's all his crisis regardless of if there is someone else or not. I mean the fact that he put me on the rental agreement as his spouse in the rental house is bonkers. I only found out when my attorney ran my credit during the settlement. I wasn't listed as a responsible party but still I was quick to get that off. He also listed our kids as living in the house. So freaking strange.

[Pacman]

I'm not sure if it's compartmentalizing like I thought before. I think they go into robot mode. And it's in the down time when they aren't busy that they lose it, lash out and act out- replay at it's finest. I wonder how long they can keep the two separate? So weird.

I agree about the down time. My WW says that she uses work to keep herself occupied but has been forced to take time off due to excess leave. She has been a huge monster during this time and also showing signs of depression with comments like "I want to vanish and hide from the world" "I want to stop breathing" "I just want to get off this world"
This describes to me what they go through during down time.

[/quote]

Just makes you wonder how long they can go on like that.

I expect until they are completely worn out, they can't run from themselves forever, they tried everything, nothing worked to make them feel better, so all they have left is to look inward and start doing the hard work of trying to heal themselves.

And this is why they run to LO or AP, thinking it will fix their "happiness" not realising happiness is internal and external sources won't help.

Agreed! Depression and identity crisis if you ask me, but all are different

100%. Don't know who I am is constantly thrown out there.

I talked to my H a few days ago and he mentioned being 'exhausted'. So they definitely 'feel' it weighing on them in one way or another. Just makes you wonder how long they can go on like that.

Just makes you wonder how long they can go on like that.

I expect until they are completely worn out, they can't run from themselves forever, they tried everything, nothing worked to make them feel better, so all they have left is to look inward and start doing the hard work of trying to heal themselves.

My WW says the same thing that she is "exhausted all the time". But seems to do nothing for herself.

[Nas]

I'm hesitant to add any fear-inducing experience to this, but I have to agree with R2T, I wouldn't be so quick to assume he's sitting alone and lonely, in pain dealing with depression. Mine literally told me that's what he was doing in the basement for a few months, when in actuality he was taking Adderall (he never had ADD), drinking and decimating our finances in a criminal business scheme that his OW was also involved in. (Just last week, I came across an article about the founder who admits it was all a scam - and yet all of these people - my former H and his AP included - are still living comfortably and haven't paid any consequences. )

I don't want to scare you either, but I would definitely suggest you keep an eye on all financial statements.
It wasn't that I thought my former H wasn't capable of doing what he did. It's that what he did was so unimaginable, I never imagined it until it happened. So just a word of caution from me. 

[KellBell]

We are completely separate financially and he really screwed himself in the long run with the property settlement and spousal support. When he 'wakes' up that's something he'll have to reconcile. Until then he'll just blame me. Either way- I'm protected and good from whatever he is doing.

As for the affair...time will tell. But for now - it doesn't change anything. He still ran away from his life and responsibilities. And he's hiding and isolating. If he does have someone...how lonely is that to have just one person. That's a lot of pressure. I guess in the grand scope of things- I do want him to be happy. If someone else is doing that or relieving the pressure or whatever...then it is what it is. I can't change it. It will most definitely change my feelings towards him and my view on standing. But other than that- I'm still detaching, healing and moving forward. So until then...

[KellBell]

Not really a MLC question but a link for those who come to this forum wondering if their spouse is indeed in a MLC.

Moderators feel free to move it to whatever thread you see fit.

https://nashlinks.com/midlife-crisis-for-dummies/