Author Topic: Discussion General MLC Questions ?  (Read 5207 times)

Online nah

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Discussion Re: General MLC Questions ?
« Reply #10 on: June 17, 2018, 05:51:25 PM »
Well, again, each one is different but for the most part, usually the faster you divide the better off you are financially. Many will give more in the early days bc they feel guilty, their feelings of guilt usually lessens with time.

I might hold the record for speed. Mine left with nothing more than an overnight bag. He had to buy socks and underwear the day after he left. I packed his bags and told him to pick them up. He did and never returned to our house again. That was over five years ago.

I kept the house and all it’s equity.  At the time, he was so afraid of dealing with looking at me, he signed everything over.
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Thunder

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
« Reply #11 on: June 18, 2018, 04:25:14 AM »
Strong, do you have a lawyer?  They can help you with the process of dividing the assets.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline seahorse

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
« Reply #12 on: June 18, 2018, 04:59:47 AM »
Strong Faith:  Great question and one i have myself.  I can’t provide any personal experience, but how I am trying to deal with the possibility.

I agree with Thunder that a lawyer will deal with the assets, paperwork, etc.

For me, my main goal right now is to get MY STUFF organized and sort through what I want to keep versus donate in the event he files.
H gets upset because there is so much clutter and boxes around our garage and basement and claims that I’m a hoarder, but in over half of the boxes is his stuff that he doesn’t even realize that he has.  I want to be ready to move if that point ever comes and he can deal with his stuff.  If he claims he doesn’t want it (like nah’s didn’t care), it can go to the dump.  There are local companies who will do that pretty inexpensively.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline heroIam

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
« Reply #13 on: June 18, 2018, 07:07:48 AM »
I figured this was as good a place as any to ask these questions:

What exactly needs to happen specifically for an MLCer to hit rock bottom?  Especially if there aren't any consequences.
Do we know for sure that rock bottom will actually hit, and why? Especially if no divorce is in process
What if there are no consequences for MLCer to be had??  Does this mean there is no rock bottom?
What if it isn't "so bad" over there with life with the OW??  That is a possibility, isn't it?.

I hear a lot about the MLCer having to hit rock bottom, and I hear a lot about how OW is affair down so therefore that relationship won't last.  But then I read some cases where divorce has happened and the MLCer is now living happily ever after with OW for some years.  Or no divorce has happened and they continue on with OW for years.
I realize there is no crystal ball and all cases are different.  But these are some questions I've thought about and wanted to throw them out here.

And yes, once again, there is no need to say it again.  I realize we need to focus on ourselves.  But because there is a discussion about mlcer questions, I wanted to throw this out there.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online nah

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
« Reply #14 on: June 18, 2018, 09:13:38 AM »

And yes, once again, there is no need to say it again.  I realize we need to focus on ourselves. But because there is a discussion about mlcer questions, I wanted to throw this out there.

Yep, all the veterans will say this, and they are right BUT... I hated hearing the same phrase again and again in the early days, so let's play for the newbies.

What exactly needs to happen specifically for an MLCer to hit rock bottom?  Especially if there aren't any consequences.

Great question.  One we all ask, I know I did.  Like an alcoholic or an addict, it's different for everybody.  For an addict, could be waking up sick every morning, losing their job, or death.  Just like a MLCer, we can love them but not enable them, it needs to be their rock bottom, their choice.  Some MLCers see their spouse moving on without them, maybe that wakes them up, maybe they lose their job, their favorite hobbies, lose family and friends, lose respect, integrity, financial security, death of a parent...

The Leaver lost every single one of those things... yet he's still rolling around in his bad decisions. 

What if there are no consequences for MLCer to be had??  Does this mean there is no rock bottom?

Just b/c you don't see their consequences, doesn't mean he doesn't have any.  He needs to look in his mirror everyday.  If he was proud of his decisions, he wouldn't have a problem talking about them.

What if it isn't "so bad" over there with life with the OW??  That is a possibility, isn't it?.

Possible but unlikely.  Here's where it is possible...
If the OW really didn't know the MLCer was married.  BUT... once she found out, she walked away from that sh!t bc well-adjusted adults in a long term relationship who are "not feeling it" turn over every rock to work on the issues THEN get a divorce if it can't be fixed, THEN take some time to work on themselves THEN take some time to enter another relationship.  As for the person willing to enter a relationship with someone who has not done those things, well they are just as messed up.

the MLCer is now living happily ever after with OW for some years.  Or no divorce has happened and they continue on with OW for years.

Sure, many do continue on with the OW for years, but happily ever after?  pfft.  Did they fix their problems before they left?  OR... did they take their problems with them and try to bury them down and avoid them? 

If he's happy b/c he's a little boy who is afraid to face his fears and would rather spend his time with a manipulator/ enabler/ and/or insecure pathetic creature who has no problem destroying a family instead of a real woman who can take care of herself and their family, well I don't want him anyways...
do you?
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Nas

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
« Reply #15 on: June 18, 2018, 11:27:35 AM »
Hero, here's my take. Rock bottom can be literally anything, even something that might seem insignificant.

In the account called A View of MLC from an MLCer (you can find this in RCR's blog called Greener Grass and Other Questions or something to that effect), the MLCer describes just waking up one day and his anxiety and depression could no longer be suppressed. If you read his account, it seems like he was living his life with OW, doing well at work, partying and enjoying his hobbies, and so I'm sure it seemed to all on the outside that he was doing great.  But then one day he woke up and, boom, he had what from his description sounds like pretty much had a panic attack and he woke up, or at least that's what started his wake up.

Amy C on the Divorce Busters site describes something about coming across a bad motorcycle accident and that's where she started to wake up.  At the time she had a good job and was still chasing "fun" things and living a life that probably looked to outsiders like she was pretty well done with her "old life."

It doesn't always have to be that the MLCer's life falls apart.  Sometimes rock bottom is something that happens within them.  Just my two cents.

Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline heroIam

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
« Reply #16 on: June 18, 2018, 12:38:46 PM »
Hey Nas.
I'll have to go back to the RCR articles to read up on this.
Thank you for your two cents.   ;)
I agree rock bottom can happen within them.  And I also know that for some, maybe rock bottom won't happen until they are much older, or have to have a major life event happen.

“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Thunder

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
« Reply #17 on: July 14, 2018, 06:10:16 AM »
bumping this up by request.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline waiting4

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Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
« Reply #18 on: July 14, 2018, 06:19:25 AM »
Quote
Does your MLCer revisit places you have been before ? Are the MLCers trying to relive memories with the x-spouse cut out of the picture?


Yes. It still shocks me . My husband did things and went places with his OW -cow EXACTLY like WE did as a couple. It was even more boggling when our therapist said " that is very typical" and she sees that all the time. WTF?. It is absolutely as if he took me out of the picture and put her in. .. and carried on doing the same things . And... those "things" were what I liked to do and enjoy... not necessarily him. It boggles the brain. There is likely some deep physchological explanation for this....


I just read this and have to say..WOW!! I thought my therapist was the only one saying this behavior is typical.. my H is currently doing this.. its actually becoming very disturbing.. OW is Peruvian, not born in this country and came here in her mid 20s.. all of a sudden she is decorating like me, dressing like me..doing family activities with her son and my H just as we did as a family.. just to name a few..its very creepy..and disturbing..
Me-55
H - 55
Adult D- 35
Married 37 yrs. married 33 yrs at time of BD
date of BD  2015
OW- YES, 36 yr old with a 7yr old
H- moved out of our home in  2015 & moved in with OW
H- says doesnt want divorce, wants long term separation. doesnt know what the future holds.
 H- has introduced OW to his family and visits them often with OW.
 H- has introduced OW to a few of our friends.
 Entering 2018. H has not filed for divorce.
He is still living with OW
 If you're going through Hell, keep going

Offline Thunder

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Re: General MLC Questions ?
« Reply #19 on: July 14, 2018, 06:29:02 AM »
Waiting, that shows how desperate and insecure she is about you.

Why else would she want to be an exact copy of you?  Maybe so your H won't notice she isn't you.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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