Author Topic: My Story The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle  (Read 3602 times)

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Here's a link to my old threads: -

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9089.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8631.150

Quick recap: I kicked ex out in December 2016 after he repeatedly spent full nights out. I haven't had the ilybinilwy speech but did have "I love you but I don't think we should live together" in August 2015.

He's now with ow but I'm not sure of the living situation. I don't think they live together but don't spend a night apart. She has 3 young sons and they work together.

In response to your last comment, Philly. We did discuss our kids meeting ow and he said it wasn't going to happen until we agreed because "they're nothing to do with her". The next week, she tagged along to their visit.

There's been a lot of MLer nonsense tonight.

I'm not sure if I've said it on here but my son has had some blood tests done and he has to visit a geneticist to see the full implications of these tests.

He's also got a lot of intervention at school as he has an IEP (something I wasn't aware of until last week).

Anyway, he paediatrician stressed that I need to make MLer  aware of what was going on. She kept telling me I couldn't do it alone and he needs to know.

As it sounds pretty serious (and the things I've been reading about it aren't good), i bit the bullet and messaged him saying we needed to meet up.

He was surprisingly fine with it until he went back home. And then it started with "why can't it be discussed over the phone", then "I don't have time", "You're playing mind games", "the kids were mistakes" to "I tried to be right with you and deal with you nicely but you have too many issues".

He's lucky he wasn't in front of me because I wouldve swung for him! Say what you want about me but dont say anything bad about my kids. Sheesh.

I dont feel that some thing as important as that should be discussed over the phone.

Anyway, I'm not trying now. He can find out through a letter from a geneticist asking about family history.

 My kids, mistakes? Never. Maybe their dad was but they weren't. Its amazing the levels they go to to try get an argument out of you. He didn't though. He got told a proper dad wouldn't say something like that (then added that he's a better pretend dad than real one). I think ow told him he wasn't allowed to play out with me.

Absolutely fuming right now!

He said he could come to my house one night after work but as it's about the kids, i dont want them to be there. I don't want them thinking theres anything "wrong" with them.
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1611
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #1 on: November 22, 2017, 02:20:35 PM »
I like the title of your new thread.

Sorry to hear about your son and I really hope everything goes better than you fear. I went through a stage with my daughter when she was 4-6 when she showed all the symptoms of lymphoma but the blood tests came back clear. We were stumped, the doctors were stumped. But the pain and fear was VERY real. Everyday I said I would take it from her if I could.

Things worked out for us, and my daughter is fine thank god. I hope that things work out for you as well.

It really does make you treasure them even more, and make you SUPER protective (like mom's need anymore reason to be  ::)).
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2017, 02:49:02 PM »
Hi mortesbride! Welcome to my new thread. My title is something we at HS all need to remember when dealing with this nonsense. I'm unfamiliar with your journey but will catch up when I have a minute.

I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. He's had 2 in depth  blood tests with the same thing come up. One was more detailed than the other and that's the one that said we have to see a geneticist.

How can I possibly work with him when he's acting like a child?
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2130
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2017, 02:54:55 PM »
Attaching

Wow, he will come to regret saying that the kids are mistakes.  Sad.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline bipolared

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2556
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2017, 03:01:15 PM »
I love your thread title.

I hope your son is ok.  Even with all the amazingly awful $h!te I've heard, I can't believe he said the mistake thing.  Good for you keeping your head, though. FaithWalker is right, he will regret that.
I'm not looking for my other half because I'm not half a person.

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #5 on: November 22, 2017, 03:39:58 PM »
For anyone not in the know, I stopped him seeing them (well, taking them. I have no problem with him coming to see them at my house or somewhere else if he guarantees someone responsible will be there) after a string of irresponsible goings on. He locked them in a room so he could go get drunk with his friends (he lives above his pub), he told them ow was his girlfriend 6 weeks after us splitting up, he let ow take D (9 then) out alone a week after knowing they were together (ow is bipolar and doesn't take her meds on the weekend, she was having a manic episode this weekend), he forgot to feed them, he let ow take both my kids out with her kids and there weren't enough seats in the car, he forgot to feed them but the final straw was when D came back and told me he had told S4 off for not being able to speak properly. Later MLer was trying to put S his shoes on and told ow "it's like having a disabled child". This was after spending the entire day in bed, telling the kids to shut up!

Tonight, he's actually said "the kids will see you for what you are and I will show them all the paperwork so they see how hard I fought for them".

I won't lower myself to show them anything to make them think badly of their dad but I think a text message saying they're mistakes will trump anything that hes said to prove he cares.

He said "I love them and they love me so I don't see what the problem is".

I feel like I'm living in an alternative universe. How can he say what he said and then say he loves them in the same conversation? Surely someone capable of love isn't capable of calling their kids mistakes to try hurt their ex? I cannot believe the rubbish that comes from that man. I'm not saying it's not come from him, but its something that's typical of ow. Idiots. I don't want him anywhere near them now. He doesn't deserve their time. It's not my call to make though, it's theirs.

I just can't believe he would say something as cruel to point score. All he's done and all he's ever going to do is use the kids as a way of hurting me. That's the only thing that works. I'm beyond mad
« Last Edit: November 22, 2017, 03:42:10 PM by What now »
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 6973
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #6 on: November 23, 2017, 04:40:28 AM »
Quote
How can I possibly work with him when he's acting like a child?

How 'bout....

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 19783
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2017, 05:32:00 AM »
What now,

I remember your story well.  I can't believe he's still with that lunatic.
I mostly can't get my head around what he said about his kids.  Un-fricken-believable.
Sick man.

I guess with his poor attitude and anger issues I would let him find out for himself about his S.

I hope the testing shows only mild problems and he can get some help.
I'll say a prayer for him, What now.

Big Hug for you.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #8 on: November 23, 2017, 08:21:08 AM »
Hahahaha, UM! If only! You cant smack sense into stupid but I'm willing to give it a go with him.............😉😂

Thanks for saying a prayer Thunder. Whatever happens though, he has me and I will make sure he gets every bit of help he needs.

I can't believe he's still with that nutter either! They've got a typical teenage relationship going on. On and off and full of drama.

What else I can't believe is how he was fine about meeting to discuss the kids and he got home to ow and suddenly he's too busy?! That's when the spew tumbles out. I no longer have time for his abuse.

I'm seeing him next week at a meeting with D's paediatrician to discuss her diagnosis (didn't want to drop S' s issues on him at the same time). I'm going to tell him to either step up or step out because the kids need someone who isn't going to throw them under the bus as a way of trying to punish/annoy me. What he said was beyond cruel.

Anyway, he will find out by himself today, the letter came about S (weird timing) so he will have a copy. I'm letting him figure the rest out for himself.
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2017, 03:32:54 PM »
So, its a year tomorrow that BD happened. I'm cycling but not as much as I thought I would. My goodness I've come so far in a year but I know I still have far to go. I've come to quite a few realisations this past week but first a bit of nonsense I had to deal with after that exchange of texts.

He got the letter about S. His response was that I had somehow blagged the doctors head and I have munchasens! I just replied saying how it came about that S got referred to a paediatrician and I allowed the blood test but i couldn't help not predict the results. I told him how I feel we should pull together to help our kids and not give them more to deal with by being at each other's necks.

I know you cannot influence them in any way but I cannot deal with monster, I have too much other stuff going on.

He replied saying he wouldve pulled together with me but I had pushed him away and sometimes the kids struggle to recognise him. Hmm.

I just stuck to what I felt was important and told him to read the letter he got and ask me whatever he wanted.

Queue monster. He started explaining that he was trying to build a better life for us and I sit on my him all day finding fault with our children! He seems to forget I helped him build that business and without the support he got from me, it wouldn't ve the success it is today. And I was raising 2 quirky kids, running a home and looking after his parents (his mum is now in a home. I was the one who took care of her and now I'm not there, look at what happens to her).

I said nothing in response, just that I'm not interested in going around in circles. Just that I need him to be on board for what we've got coming up and it would be good if he could make a start on finding out his families medical history.

Now, I'm controlling, I'm playing games, trying to get my kids on meds, I won't let him help so how is he supposed to.

I then flip, tell him I'm not interested in arguing, whatever we have going on we have to push to one side for our children. I then said if he wants to talk then I will talk but I'm not being bashed and if I get bashed, the conversation will end.

He replied that I can go get firetrucked and he only wants to talk to me if I give him his parental rights and until then, there s no reason for us to speak so to delete his number.

We then went for the appointment with the paediatrician. He was being a complete idiot in there. Before we went in, he asked me why I was being such a b!tch and why I wouldn't let him have the kids. I told him that it's because he's an irresponsible parent and when his attitude changes and he grows up a bit, my attitude will change.He quipped back "you're irresponsible". "Ok".

Told her "share D's diagnosis but make sure you write down that I didn't want it sharing"
"How can SHE get away with getting my children assessed for this, that and the other when there s nothing wrong with them. She has no rights, no rights at all and I think she should be assessed"
The paediatrician  went through the history and told him how each child got referred and ended it with "so it wasn't her. Even if it was, she is their mother and she spends time with them so would probably notice things before everyone else. Your children do have setbacks that they need help with and they are lucky they have someone on the ball like their mum".

He also threw a few things out there "I only see them 10 minutes a week because she's being a complete idiot".

She ended the appointment by saying, and looking directly at him, "whatever issues you have with each other need to be put aside now for your children. They need you to be able to communicate. They are both more vulnerable than others their age and they cannot handle the animosity. You need to co-operate and communicate to get the best for them".

We walked out of the appointment and went back to our cars in complete silence.

We haven't communicated about anything since.

Why do I still have a massive ball of anger in the MLer? Why has he not stopped it yet?

I have come to my own conclusion. It's ow. I know he has a mind of his own and chooses to act like that but she has his balls firmly in her pocket because she's majorly insecure.

When I message him and she's not around, he's fine. He's agreeable and I can talk to him without a major outburst. Then he goes home, I assume she chirps in his ear and then what comes out of her mouth gets spewed at me. That's my conclusion anyway. He cannot think for himself, not properly.
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Online Tyks

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1667
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2017, 05:07:13 PM »
Can any of them think for themselves? Mine appeared to be happily married until the ow came around and "helped" him realize he deserved better... insert UM's vomit gif here.

As you wish - UM

I feel for you and your children. What a pathetic excuse for a father.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2017, 01:21:51 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2017, 06:27:31 AM »
That's better UM!

Happy BD day to me!

Today, I have done something stupid. I saw ow in our little town and she was walking past me. As she was walking past, she was staring at me. I asked her if she had something to say to me, she said no and started on a rant and I replied "if you've not got anything to say then stop staring" and walked off.

Over an hour later, I got a threatening message from her. I know I shouldn't have said anything but she was looking so smug. She had her son with her and told me to stop dragging her into mine and MLers issues because it's nothing to do with her and that I should respect her son because she wouldn't do that in front of my kids!

I haven't replied to get message. This is why I'm here, to vent. She tells me to respect her kids yet she disrespected my kids, sneaking around with their dad and helping split up their family. Not only that but she was swearing and shouting in front of her own child.

And how does she figure mine and his issues have nothing to do with her? How doesn't it? Mine and his issues stem from their behaviour. I could kick myself for giving her any power but it's done now. I wasnt threatening at all, i spoke to her how i would.my kids. Annoyed (at myself) is not the word. Other than that, had a lovely day (it's my birthday too).

Is the general consensus to ignore?
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline Philadelphiagirl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 402
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #12 on: December 07, 2017, 06:44:35 AM »
Happy Birthday and well done for passing the year mark! She sounds really classy???? God these people! I don't blame you but yes I would ignore now. I have had the same crap from my ML'er - its my fault they are in counselling etc. It's pathetic. Hope that you are treating yourself to something nice today for your birthday - you deserve it! Take care, PG xxx

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 6973
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #13 on: December 07, 2017, 06:53:04 AM »
Quote
Is the general consensus to ignore?



Yep......
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline heroIam

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1799
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #14 on: December 07, 2017, 07:21:56 AM »
She had her son with her and told me to stop dragging her into mine and MLers issues because it's nothing to do with her and that I should respect her son because she wouldn't do that in front of my kids!


Uh.  Here's a newsflash OW:  YOU INSERTED YOURSELF INTO MY AND MLCER'S MARRIAGE/LIFE.  You don't deserve respect.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5194
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #15 on: December 07, 2017, 07:57:50 AM »
Happy Birthday!

Give yourself the gift of not playing with the disordered and dysfunctional today - block her & ignore would be my suggestion (with maybe a glass of wine and a couple of minutes reflection on why you are a goddess and she is a bit of a pig? Mean but allowed for your birthday, I think!)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Tyks

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1667
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #16 on: December 07, 2017, 12:08:32 PM »
Happy birthday!

It is very hard to ignore. I so want to go after her with both barrells.  ::)
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #17 on: December 07, 2017, 01:01:48 PM »
Thanks Philly, hero, treasur and tyks for your birthday wishes and kind words.

UM, you make me laugh.

I haven't heard a peep out of MLer. I know I shouldn't compare but I'm going to.

If I had gone to him and said someone had started trouble with me, he wouldn't have been giving me their number for me to sort it out, he would've sorted it for me.

How can someone demand respect when they have none for themselves, therefore no respect for anyone else? She started an argument with my step-daughter! That's disrespectful to MLer. As long as she gets what she wants though......

And her being a girl has become apparent today. She doesn't have any class and is immature (yes, I know, I was immature too). Calling someone an ugly c***?! It's something I would expect from my nephews friends. She's going to have to try harder to offend me. She means nothing to me, her words.mean nothing to me. I know my worth and I know I deserve a lot more than  what she's getting at the moment.

I have seen her true colours and am not phased by her in the slightest. She is nothing. Just as everybody says.

The mess that he is, she can keep him. I'm not meaning this with any bitterness. I genuinely feel like a weight has been lifted and I can breathe again. I'm not going to feed into their drama, they can be each others downfall. I almost feel empowered because I can see it for what it truly is
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1611
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #18 on: December 07, 2017, 02:18:20 PM »
Happy Birthday.  :-*

Am I the only person who thinks up all the ridiculously sarcastically funny things I could say in these situations?

Let's hope I am not presented with one..cuz I would likely spout off before I had a chance to think the better of it.  8)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #19 on: December 07, 2017, 02:55:54 PM »
Hahaha, morte.

That's the thing though, I dont know if you know my story but (as in many cases), the ow feeds on drama. I could've said so much but chose not to because that's exactly what she wants. It helps bond her and MLer.

Have you seen the schmoopie clips? If you haven't, Google it. It's worth a watch and I feel is a pretty accurate portrayal of MLer and ow in my case.

There's no point trying to fathom it, unless you've gone crazy too!

When I saw ow and knew i would be walking past her, I reminded myself of what my mum used to tell me. "Don't argue with idiots because they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience".
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2130
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #20 on: December 07, 2017, 08:32:36 PM »
Happy B-day, WN.  I think it's terrible that he had to BD you on your B-day.   >:(
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1611
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #21 on: December 08, 2017, 03:50:58 AM »
''Don't argue with idiots because they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience''.

Absolutely love that. Probably going to use that at some point.  8)

That is when you need to learn to art of the one liner shoot down.

Some witty one liner that is so great there really is no comeback that doesn't make them look ridiculous.

Then those people tend to start in with childish stupid remarks and make themselves look even worse, and then their lime light turns into a spotlight and they don't like the attention so much anymore.

Tend to leave you alone after that.  8)

But eh...nevermind me. Probably not general advice for you know..grown adults..and MLC..and whatever.  :o
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #22 on: December 08, 2017, 04:17:29 AM »
Faith, it is what it is. It was actually me who kicked him out because he has spent all night out with ow and expected me to believe he had fallen asleep in his pub! He always says that "but you kicked me out"  🤔 does that matter if he's found the love of his life? 😂

Mortes, I totally get you and most mature people would be put down and put off with a very well thought out shut down. ow's tend not to be mature. They thrive on attention and anything you say to them, they will always find an answer back. "The sky is blue" "well, its your fault he is with me because back on 2002, you burnt the meat and he doesn't like burnt meat". They're not logical either.

The way to get to them is to not engage in their drama. It's like cutting off their air supply.

If I had replied to that message then I would have been the big bad ex who harrassed them. Then, because they had a common force to fight against, their schmoopie luv would have gotten stronger.

When dealing with my MLer, I think be a got back about 30 years. It's like a teenage relationship and I'm like the mum who opposed it. The more drama I feed into, the more it pushes them together.

Does that make sense? Hope it does. If they were more mature, I might have said something. Believe me, it took me all my strength not to. But it's wasted on them. Leave them to it and it will all come crashing down around them at some point. For now, I've got my own life to live 🙂
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1611
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #23 on: December 08, 2017, 04:21:06 AM »
Yeah you are right.  :D

I am just saying that I will probably F that one up when/ if it comes my way.  :P
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #24 on: December 08, 2017, 08:57:22 AM »
😂 I thought i would too. I'm really feisty, to say the least. Normally, if it's in my head, it comes out of my mouth so the amount of self restraint I had to have was massive and I'm proud!

If you just remind yourself that you are better than them and that they're just a symptom so actually mean nothing, you won't go far wrong.

I can't remember which member it was but someone had their son saying to them "hes not looking for someone better than you, he's looking for someone worse than himself".
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline Philadelphiagirl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 402
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #25 on: December 19, 2017, 04:30:32 AM »
Hi WhatN, just checking in to see how you are getting on with the run up to Xmas. Hope that you and the kids are doing well and that all has been quiet in MLC land. We are at the end of the first year - next year is going to be our year! Take care, have a lovely festive season, Philly g xxx

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #26 on: December 21, 2017, 04:58:25 PM »
Thanks for checking in Philly. I haven't been updating my thread because it's been insanely busy.

Things haven't been quiet in MLC land but I think I unintentionally stirred things up for myself. Let me explain.

It was S's birthday. We did the same thing we do every year and went to my sister's straight from school. D decided she wanted to throw a tea party for S so we decided to stay a little longer than expected. S wasn't himself when we came out of school so we did the cake whilst we were waiting for some pizza to arrive  (D only got sweet stuff).

He got on my knee and went to sleep. I texted MLer to tell him we wouldn't be home when he finished work (didn't explain why, I only had one hand) and he went mad and was being abusive. I replied to the messages I could reply to but he was still monstering so I ignored him. Had he been ok, I would've probably phoned him after work and told him he was welcome to join us (he isn't allowed to receive phone calls whilst working).

He came up to my sisters after he had finished work and my sister went to the door as I still had S on my knee. I could hear a lot of shouting and it was unsettling D and my nephews so I put S down and went out, asking him why he was shouting on my sisters doorstep, telling him he was upsetting the kids and to stop. He replied "I didn't start it"  :o

He pushed S's presents into my hands and drove off muttering something.

Before we went back in I told my sister I wasn't happy with either of them because it had upset the kids. I asked what had gone on and her reply was "he asked to see the birthday and i said he was asleep because he was poorly. He called me a liar and i let that go. He told me he shouldnt be here if hes poorly so i told him you came to get presents and he fell asleep straight away so you were just waiting for him to wake and youre going home. he called you an a-hole and I let that slide. He said you don't let him see the kids and it's a load of bs and I let that slide. He then said that he only gets to see the kids once a week for 10 minutes because that's all that you allow him. I couldn't not say anything so I just told him he contradicted himself because he said he didn't see them and he only sees them once a week and then he started going on about you, raising his voice and shouting at me, saying you caused it all. I'm sorry but I know different so I told him if he was different the situation would be different and that his shouting won't scare me into believing different. He wasn't happy about that because I wont swallow his lies". We then went in to the kids (my mum was there and told me the kids were crying).

I spoke to my sister later and told her it was lovely for her to do that but she really shouldve just listened to him and waved him on his way (He wasn't interested in staying). I've asked her to try not get involved in future because our issues are our issues, she doesn't need to make them her issues. She apologised and said she couldnt help herself (she is going through a rough time lately).

Anyway, since all this happened, he has blocked me on everything! It doesn't really matter to me because i was very low contact before but it's a punishment.

I know I should've told him where we were and S was poorly but I wasn't thinking; I had a hectic week and neither of the kids were sleeping. It was quite late to be cancelling on him or anything but I didn't know S was going to be like that.

Another thing I noticed. He's awful to me over messages. He's awful about me to everybody but as soon as I'm in front of him, his attitude shrinks and he says nothing, especially if I'm "telling him off".

Does anyone else get this?
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #27 on: December 30, 2017, 04:52:37 PM »
Journalling. Last post of this year I think.

I don't know, I just want to get a few things off my chest and I know I will sound batsh!t crazy if I speak to anyone else about it.

MLer (who normally only comes up once a week) came to "see the kids" on Christmas eve and Christmas day. I'm not begrudging it, he just didn't need to come both days. He also knew D was ill and S just isn't of an age to hang around and chat with his dad; he wants to be off.

Anyway, the gifts he got for both S's birthday and the kids for Christmas shows how far detached from reality he is.

For S's birthday, it was a mish mash of cr@p. A star wars figure, a coat (S has sensory issues and will only wear a specific coat that he chooses. He has 4/5 to date). It was too small. He got a star wars figure and an alarm clock! For as long as S has been alive, the boy has been an early bird so MLer is more than aware of this. The latest he gets up is at 6am. It's normally around 5 so why does he need an alarm? And who gets a 5 year old an alarm anyway? Strange.

For Christmas, the kids got ok gifts. S for an electric bike  (that is too small). D got an electric scooter and they got a PS4 to share. Sounds good? It would be if he got them games that theyre interested in. Call of Duty isn't appropriate for a 5 and a 10 year old. And when he was telling me about them, it was "so the kids can play online" with him.

So the kids can play online? On shoot em ups? Hmmm......how about finding out what they're interested in? And sorry but it's a lazy attempt to "connect" with them.

He's also looking different. Has a new haircut. Has dyed his hair and is wearing clothes that are not the version of him I know. Doesn't stop him looking tired and having grey skin. He looks so unhealthy even with all the "make up".

His attitude has changed towards me as well, there was no attempt at monster last time he saw me although he did tell me to cut the dogs nails because she was having trouble walking?! She's a big dog and is nearly 11 years old. Her back end is weakening. He calls her down a flight of stairs to see him and he wonders why she struggles to walk? When he was home, that was "his job" so maybe he was looking for an invite in (it was Christmas day and he had visited the kids on Christmas eve too). I just shouted ok to him and heard him muttering to himself.

I don't know. I it is MLC, he is deep in the tunnel and I'm changing too. Although I'm taking a break from relationships and I'm concentrating on my kids, I don't know if I'm "standing", per sé. My kids have been expressing that, although they miss their dad, they feel life is easier when he's not there. Of course they flit between wanting him there and being ok with him not being, but theyre both really content with being a family of 3.

I'm tired of the drama, him and ow's game playing and them needing the upper hand. Then flipping it around and making me out to be the crazy one. I feel a shift. A change. And I'm not sure if it's me that's changing or him but it doesn't matter. I'm ploughing on forwards.

I'm detached. And I'm no longer engaging in the it. I'm stronger and I'm living for me and my kids from now on. I know 2018 is going to be a good year for me and many other LBS's. Sorry for the nonsense and the length of the post. Just needed to get it out of my head and work through it, if that makes sense? New year always makes me reflective
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline moc

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 815
  • Gender: Male
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #28 on: December 30, 2017, 05:33:41 PM »
WN: glad you took the time to post today.  Really like these:

although he did tell me to cut the dogs nails because she was having trouble walking...I just shouted ok to him and heard him muttering to himself.

Isn't funny how they don't want to be part of the family or our lives but still want to run it like they do.  You did great at being detached with this on your response.  You can feel your detachment.


I feel a shift. A change. And I'm not sure if it's me that's changing or him but it doesn't matter. I'm ploughing on forwards.

Once again that is your detachment.  It is definitely you!  We get tired of this game playing and of course I love your title, the bullshizzle.


I'm detached. And I'm no longer engaging in the it. I'm stronger and I'm living for me and my kids from now on. I know 2018 is going to be a good year for me and many other LBS's. Sorry for the nonsense and the length of the post. Just needed to get it out of my head and work through it, if that makes sense? New year always makes me reflective

I can definitely feel you detached with your words.  You keep yourself stronger by not engaging.  Love to read your posts and keep it up as you wish.  Working it out here always makes me feel better to get it out from head to hand.  Have a great New Year!
M: 48
W: 43
S15 & S11 [from MLCer1]
BD#1: 9/2017
BD#2: 11/2017
D in the works.  I AM DONE!!!
Separated: 12/2017
OM: EAs up to at least 6 now, 2 PAs-confirmed

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1611
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #29 on: December 31, 2017, 07:34:56 AM »
It is funny how they seem to age when they leave. My husband looked like he was about 17 until he was 26 years old...then he 'matured' and looked like a good looking 28 year old guy.

Now he is 33 and looks like he is heading toward 40. Pastey grey, tired wrinkles around his eyes, and always drained or sick looking.

I found it weird the first few times I saw him, I wondered if it was my imagination making him look older...but each time I see it again.

He is still good looking, but maybe that is just because I love him. Hard to tell isn't it?
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #30 on: December 31, 2017, 01:22:38 PM »
Thanks moc and mortes for dropping by.

It is funny how they want to be part of our lives, Nov. That's like me telling him to wash his car. I really do think he expected me to ask him to do it.

And mortes, it is funny how they age. One of the things they are running from gets accelerated. They start looking much older. MLer is looking closer to his age and he always looked about 10 years younger. I can't believe he has dyed his hair, he used to tell me to grow old gracefully when I did mine 😂

One thing that's bamboozled me. When he came up on Christmas eve, I told him D had been ill and was on antibiotics. She's on a 10 day course and it's quite a strong dose. We had to go to the out of hours GP because she was listless and had a purple rash on the back of her throat. Doctor said it was tonsillitis but I'm convinced it's strep throat or something. She keeps looking like she has scarlet fever. Her temperature was so high for the first week and a half but I managed to get it sorted and she has done nothing but sleep (D is not a sleeper. She has about 6 hours a night).

Anyway, I explained all this to him. When he came up on Christmas day, D's eyes were watering as she had just had her antibiotics (she isn't good at taking medication). He asked if she had been crying and she told him it was because she had just had her medicine. He asked what she had the medicine for and she replied "Mum told you yesterday, remember? I've been poorly. Mum told you"
"Oh, I didn't know. So what is the medicine and what is it for?"
"It's disgusting orange stuff and it's to help with my tonsillitis that mum doesn't think I've got . Don't you listen to anything?"
"I did listen but I didn't remember. Are you ok now?"
"No, dad. That's why I'm taking the medicine and ive got to take it for ages"
"Oh. Ok. Get well soon"

I found this quite cold and detached on his behalf with her. And ive never experienced the memory loss before. He's not asked after her either or tried to phone the kids. It's a bit rubbish when he pretends to everybody he's the doting dad. This process is all quite surreal, isn't it?

Anyway, hope everybody has a lovely new year and I know 2018 is going to be much better for many of us here! Love and best wishes to all
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #31 on: January 10, 2018, 02:22:06 PM »
Quick update. Nothing really to report since Christmas because MLer hasn't put in an appearance since Christmas day. No new year phone call. No Wednesday night visits. Nothing. Until tonight.

Another flying visit (10 minutes). In the conversation that he had with D10 (he refuses to talk to me), he told her to tell me I MUST be home for 4pm instead of 5pm because that's when he finishes work at the moment. And HE wants to come up after work.

Another thing he did was give D10 some money for doing well at school. She is doing brilliantly but so is S5. S has additional needs and is surpassing expectations but he got no financial reward. I told D I think she should share it or give it back but it's her choice. She's decided to keep it.

This is after a conversation I had with S the other night where he basically told me his dad doesn't love him and he always shouts at him for nothing.

It breaks my heart but I see he's doing it because D makes him feel guilt and it's way of trying to smooth it over.

D also told me that she asked him why he didn't live with us any more. His answer? "Because your mum's a pain in the @ss"! Nothing about him not wanting to, him moving on, him having an ow, us growing apart. Nothing to reassure her. But because I'm a pain in the butt? I'm glad it's still all about me 😂. On a more serious note, doesn't he see how that translates to her? If you're a pain in the butt, I will leave you. I won't try, I won't talk, I will just walk.

We had a talk, she asked if me and dad would ever get back together if I had the chance. I told her, honestly, that I don't love dad as he is now so I would have to say no.

 I had a cry, told her I was sorry me and dad were over and it's sad for her and her brother, that I always wanted her and her brother to have their dad and mum together but they're not so we just have to make the best of it. She's hurting and it kills but i think she's getting there. Doesn't help with him saying stuff about me but I can't help that, just have to be there to clear up the mess.
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2130
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #32 on: January 10, 2018, 07:30:11 PM »
I agree that is what hurts the most WN, is what sort of example they are setting for their kids, that they would just give up on people.

Some day, they will try to advise someone and they will be eating their words I bet.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1611
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #33 on: January 11, 2018, 03:30:32 AM »
In the conversation that he had with D10 (he refuses to talk to me), he told her to tell me I MUST be home for 4pm instead of 5pm because that's when he finishes work at the moment. And HE wants to come up after work.

This is after a conversation I had with S the other night where he basically told me his dad doesn't love him and he always shouts at him for nothing.


I think I would start being home at 5:30. Maybe you and the kids finally decide to go for a walk after dinner or something?  ;)

I have similar issues with s(now 6) and my MLCer. Rarely tries to spend time with him, always tells him to shut up, etc... :-\

Had to pull him up on it a few times, which obviously included some monster episodes...but my kids feelings are more important that my MLCer at the moment.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #34 on: January 28, 2018, 02:57:38 AM »
Thanks FW and mortar for dropping by.

I've pulled MLer up on a few things this week. He came on Wednesday, like normal. Not sure 10 minutes and he went quite abruptly after I "told him off". S was crying after him and it just about broke my heart.

Anyway, I will start at the beginning.

Dreams. Does anyone pay any mind to them?

I had a dream last weekend about MLer. The last dream I had that felt.like this one was 10 years ago when my MLer cheated on me (and the weird thing was, I described the woman he heated with to him and she looked just like.ow).

Anyway, this dream. He was on his stag do and due to get married the next day. I had loads of people at my house and was holding someone's baby when he came to the door. My mumma answered the door and let him in. He came and asked if we could make food together and we did. Whilst we were cooking, he asked me if I could turn up to his wedding the next day and object. After a lot of to-ing and fro-ing, I basically told him he got himself into this mess so he can get himself out of it.

I wouldn't have paid no attention to it but the night after, D had a dream about him as well. He came up and wanted to talk to me so he let himself in. D wasn't happy how he just barged in our house. She said we started talking and then arguing and I got upset so she shot him with a nerf gun and told him we could.do that at the door! We then stopped arguing and started talking and then kissing so she shot us both with a nerf gun!

To add to the weirdness, step MIL called to check if me and the kids were alright. This might not be weird but she normally spends over an hour on the phone, catching up and this was a 10 minute phone call.

The morning after, SD sent me a message on fb asking how me and the kids were. She's not spoken to me since last March!

A lot of weirdness right there.

And like I said, MLer came up to see the kids. He didn't really speak to them, they used it as an opportunity to play out. Whilst he was at the door, he asked me about some stuff and I replied, not being lovely but being civil. Next thing you know, monster.

Out of nowhere "you're not giving me right much to be nice about are you?"
"What? Maybe not but you have 2 reasons stood in front of you why you shouldnt be nasty. Just be civil for them"
"I'm stopping paying you maintenance in February"
"Okie doke. But you're not giving me money, you're paying towards the upkeep of our children. If you want to stop paying, that's fine. We will get along fine without it"
"I'm not paying for kids I'm not seeing"
"Make the arrangements to see them then. Its sad that I can't trust you to be responsible to have your own kids"
"You're a joke"
"I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm keeping our kids safe"

All the time I was talking, he was mimicking me and making mimicky type noises. It was quite comical but did feel like I was talking to a child.

Something has definitely upset the apple cart in MLC world. The only time hes complained about not having enough time with the kids is when he and ow are having problems. He had 2 weeks off over the Christmas period, as did they, and they barely saw him. He wasn't too bothered then.

Anyway, after that, he said goodbye to D and stropped off. He didnt say goodbye to S, just told D to get him inside. S was crying because he wanted to cuddle his daddy. Then he wanted to live with daddy.  Then he wanted daddy to be in his family again (live with us). And then he wanted to hurt daddy. It lasted about an hour but I don't understand why he is awful towards S and loving towards D. I don't know how he can be like that. It really is hard to get your head around who they were compared to who they are. The man I was with treated all the kids the same.

Anyway, in our conversation I told him not to bother coming up if he can't be nice. I don't expect him to be nice to me or about me, I just want him to remember the saying "if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say nothing at all". He doesn't see how if affects the kids. Anyway, this is a boundary I've set and if he comes up being monster again, he won't be welcome to my house and he will have to make alternative arrangements to see the kids for the 5/10 minutes a week. I'm not taking it any more
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1611
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #35 on: January 28, 2018, 04:13:48 PM »
I pay attention to some dreams. I have had to many that have shown me things.

Example:
In Nov had a dream my father wouldn't live much past Feb of the next year. He died in the Jan.
Had a dream my mom was having heart trouble while I was on a family holiday, a few days later contacted her and she was on a machine getting it monitored (never had any previous heart condition)
Multiple dreams about my daughter. Exactly what she would look like, convinced she was a girl...not matter who tried to convince me otherwise. She looks just like I dreamed.

Anyway I think important dreams have a different 'feel' to them. A sort of knowing. Normal dreams you get scared or happy or frightened, you feel emotions and they are intense. I find my knowing dreams are almost neutral. They do not bring up an emotion...just a sense of ''I know this will happen''.

So I vote to listen to them.  ;D

To be honest when I read that interaction I giggled a little. It reminds me so much of mine when he would monster like that. ''You are a joke'' thats classic. The one that got me was when I was on a conversation to mine about losing his temper with my S(5), and he was ranting and raving and then said ''I DO NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO THE LIKES OF YOU!''...eh...the likes of me?! You mean the one watching your kids as you run about acting like a teenager having an affair and now having to be supervised by your mom to watch your own kids?! BUT THE LIKES OF ME! I was just like....  :o ??? ::)

Mine is fine with D(8 ) and s(2) but never got along with S(5...now 6). He used to try, because I told him it was important. But since BD he is particularly nasty to him, and I have had to call him out on it several times. Mostly he tries to ignore him. But every now and then he will make an effort with him.

I remember one incident when he was screaming and monstering at me and went to take D(8 ) to Judo. He was screaming how he would take my kids and I would never see them again, and I will ''F you before you f me''..whatever that means... Then he walked out of the kitchen and said ''Lets go D'' and I said ''YOU will not be taking her anywhere tonight because I do not feel like it would be safe for her. '' and as he stared at me in shocked surprised I shut the door in his face. That had never happened before, and has never happened since. In fact I think he even apologised the next day for that one.  :o

Absolutely draw the line with the kids. If he is on your porch losing it...just tell him ''I will no longer be tolerating you acting like this in front of our children. When you calm down we can talk. Have a nice day''. Shut the door, lock it and walk away. (Unless your husband has ever been physically violent of course).
« Last Edit: January 28, 2018, 04:15:50 PM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #36 on: January 29, 2018, 02:24:46 AM »
Thanks, mortes.

The dream definitely had a different feel to it. I have dreamed many a dream where it actually played out and this had the same effect on me. Like you said, no emotions attached to it, it was just like I was a fly on the wall.

I have shut the door in his face in the past after telling him how to behave in front of the kids. They don't like it. Even though hes treating S like cr@p, it's D that notices and her quickly losing favour with her. But when she doesn't want him around any more, who's fault will it be? Not his.

I think "you're a joke" is translated to "I'm not hurting you and can't find anything else to throw but want to keep the argument going......"

It was the mimicking that made me chuckle. It's what my daughter does when she isn't getting her own way.

We were invited to a party the same night and I declined because it was last minute and he was due to come up. Anyway, the following day, D said "we should've gone to that party. Nobody likes dad anyway"!!!!

I think I will have to resort to shutting the door on him again. That or just stop opening it to begin with
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 6973
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #37 on: January 29, 2018, 02:36:12 AM »
WhatNow,

I think the dream thing has to be related to the impending full moon and eclipse... I had the wierdest Bat-Snot craziest dream last night that I have had in a VERY long time... I won't go into details but it was NOT pleasant... At least it had nothing to do with Mid-Lifer or MLC ina direct sort of way...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #38 on: January 29, 2018, 11:19:23 AM »
Sheesh, UM. Doesn't sound good.

That super, blue, blood moon has a lot to answer for. My kids are acting craaaaaaaaazy! Theres a lot of intense energy around right now.
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #39 on: February 07, 2018, 02:06:40 PM »
So, last time MLCer was here, he mentioned about wanting to see the kids more.

His actions have shown different. It's the second week in a row he hasn't visited them.

The kids haven't noticed so that's something.

He doesn't usually speak to me and he did "speak" to me last time (he monstered). So, he's back to running again. It's just sad their kids are something they run from. Typical but sad all the same.
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #40 on: February 21, 2018, 03:14:12 PM »
Journalling.

There's a lot going on right now. The kids have just had a week off from school and it's completely messed up their routine. This manifests in one way and one way only for my kids- sleeplessness. They seem to be taking it in turns to not sleep.

I'm not getting a break from them which means my get up and go has got up and gone. It's frustrating to say the least.

S5 also has developmental issues. In a nutshell, we are still trying to figure it out but his development stopped dead when he was 2. Everything regressed and progress since he started school has been slow but all the help he gets seem to be working. Now, it seems like he has picked up where he left off; the tantrums he is having are off the scale. It was dinner time a few days ago and he asked for a sandwich (that's all he ate that day and had one after the other throughout the day). Anyway,  I said no and he threw something at me demanding he got it then. He lost his tablet time for that. He also kicked my mum. He was playing but she's fragile (she has an autoimmune disease).

He's testing boundaries and, with not sleeping well, it's making everybody grumpy. It's times like this I wish I had someone there to hand the baton to for a short while so I'm not as frazzled. He's also hitting himself in the head and is saying quite mean things about himself.

D is also going through a lot. She's started her periods and is HATING it. I completely understand. She's only 10! I'm not ready for this so I understand she wouldn't be but she isn't leaving me alone. I know she's needing reassurance and cuddles because it's a massive change for her but I know she's not going to cope. She's handled it as well as can be expected but she likes having control and this is something that's out of her hands and she won't deal with it at all. All I can do is make it easier for her. I can't fix and I'm getting better at not trying to.

I'm just so fed up of being the only person my kids can turn to, the only one to try get them the help they need to be the best they can be. I'm tired of doing it all single handed. I know this will pass but right now, it's hard I'm just tired beyond belief.

On to MLCer - not heard anything for a month. Radio silence. The last time I saw him, he said something to me about wanting to see the kids more. He hasn't spoken to them since then.

More of his family have been teaching out too. His dad phoned me last week and my step daughter messaged me over Facebook.  Because the kids were off school, I didn't have time to talk to either of them really. 

His dad said he would phone this week. My step daughter has friend requested me on Facebook now (MLer had an argument with her years ago and she unfriended me as well because, when she came to me I told her they needed to sort it out between themselves and I wouldn't side with either of them).

I know there's no point in monkey braining but I can't help but feel there's something going on. I haven't spoken to SD since last march and havemt spoken to FIL in around 18 months. Why are they contacting me after so long? Only time will tell I suppose

(This was supposed to be a short post! Lol)
« Last Edit: February 21, 2018, 03:17:09 PM by What now »
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2130
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #41 on: February 26, 2018, 09:32:09 PM »
Interesting about the SD contacting you.  I hope it turns out to be a good thing!

How are the kids?  Sleeping any better now?  Hopefully you all have been able to get some rest more!
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #42 on: February 27, 2018, 06:09:59 AM »
Thanks FW for dropping by.

The kids aren't back in their routine yet but they should settle down next week.

I hope SD getting in touch turns out to be a good thing. We were close once so it would be nice to have her there again.

FIL has been in touch this week. That was interesting. His conversation was along the lines of "I don't know what's going on in his (MLers) head" "we spoke every week and I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks" "no matter what happens, I will always see you as my daughter in law". I just told him MLer has chose his path and nothing I do or say will change anything.

Not bad to say I think he had plenty to do with MLers unresolved issues.

Anyway, there was a big development with him. SMIL and he got together when she was in MLC. They did it right under her husband's nose and he continued to be friends with them both. He told her he wanted her to be happy. He looked after her children  from a previous relationship and didn't change anything in his house. He left all the wedding photos up and kept everything how it was.

SMIL grew up in the care system and never felt loved. She had a lot of issues. Whatever issues she had, she's seemed to come to be at peace with them.

10 years later and SMIL is leaving FIL and going back to her husband! 10 years!

Just goes to show how long this can last.
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2130
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #43 on: February 27, 2018, 08:34:37 PM »
Wow!  :o
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #44 on: March 04, 2018, 10:48:24 AM »
Rant alert!!!

I am beyond pissed at MLer right now. It's been almost 6 weeks since he came to see the kids. That's fine. But the past week the weather has been horrendous here in the UK. I live in a town on the pennines so it has been really quite bad.

Me and the kids have been snowed in for a week. No school and only going out to play in the snow. That's brilliant but our heating broke. We've been 5 days without heat and hot water. The plumbers have been twice (once at 1.30am and not being able to park anywhere near my house! That's dedication) to try manipulate it to work but it hasn't done the trick so we are stuck waiting for a part for it in a country that has just about come to a standstill. Parts of the country are thawing out but we still have warnings for ice. Fingers crossed we can get back up and running tomorrow.

Not only that, but the kids wouldn't stay at my sister's (they did one night but didn't cope very well- too many changes, not enough notice, not knowing what was going on). So we made like we did when I was younger, put a mattress down in the living room and put the fire on. We do have heaters dotted around the house but they aren't making much difference.

Now, both the kids are ill. Both have fever and are shaking like leaves. I'm doing my best by them but they haven't got their own space which is proving hard on them.

So, 6 days of bad weather, 5 days of no heat and 3 days of the kids being ill. And how many times has their dad checked up on them? None. Not one. And I know you shouldn't have expectations but this is so far removed from the person I knew.

I often doubt if this is MLC. This doesn't make it any clearer for me but either way, he's one selfish pig.

Rant over. And breathe.........
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 6973
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #45 on: March 05, 2018, 05:27:15 AM »
One hour at a time...

Hope the kids feel better soon... But really, who needs that nonsense... I guess I am not surprised that your Mid-Lifer has done a vanishing act though... Just imagine what it would be like for him to be there in that mess... You could be taking care of 3 kids instead of just two!
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #46 on: March 05, 2018, 10:03:29 AM »
Boom! And there is the silver lining! Thanks UM. And thank you for stopping by when you're having MLer dramas of your own. Your W/STBXW is following the script to a t! Well done for detaching more than what you already have
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1611
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #47 on: March 08, 2018, 05:05:47 AM »
I am in the Uk as well and that was a pretty bad week. I can't imagine having done it with my three under 8 with no heating and what not.

Does your local council not provide emergency heaters and such if you have young children?

I am really sorry you had to go through that alone, and that the MLCers are so self absorbed.

You are doing great though, and they will remember that you were always there for them.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #48 on: March 08, 2018, 03:58:45 PM »
Hi mortes, good to hear from you. Yes, they are supposed to leave emergency heaters but they didn't for the first couple of days. Don't know why though. By the time I got them (2 little portable electric heaters), the cold had already set in so they weren't of much use. We just wrapped up with our slippers and dressing gowns.

It's been a pain to get fixed and tonight, after a week of miscommunication, bad luck and procrastination, it was finally fixed. I might have nudged them a little by telling them I was going to take my kids somewhere else to stay and they could foot the bill. Oh, and by telling them I was going to take it further as it was way past the 3 days they said it would take (I gave a bit of leeway for the post not being as it were).

Little did I know the plumber had to drive to the factory for the part for my boiler. He told me the factory had a fire earlier in the week so the parts weren't coming out as quick.

Oh, and S5 is on antibiotics for bad tonsillitis. He has the white spots on his tonsils. I took him to the doctor because he had earache and wasn't passing urine. I was surprised that hes got tonsillitis because he's not complained or sounded like it. Anyway, that's sorted now.

Things are finally looking up after a long week! And MLer is still making like houdini
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #49 on: March 14, 2018, 04:32:50 PM »
Have meant to update/journal for a few days and have just not found the time.

Over the weekend, D's eardrum perforated and it isn't healing so we've been back and forth to the doctors, trying to get her some antibiotics that work.

MLers family have been in contact quite a lot (well, the ones that do contact me).

His dad has a lot going on which will impact on MLer and perhaps my kids. I've found out from somebody completely different (so not MLer or his dad). His dad never mentioned anything when he's been phoning me.

Remember SMIL? She embarked on a relationship and marriage with MLers dad whilst she was going through MLC. She's was reconnecting with her exH. Well, now she's found a bit on the side-by-side OM2. She told me and I wasn't impressed. Not one bit. And she got told as much. I asked her why, if she's intending to go back to her H. "I don't know. I'm bored. You need to get happiness where you can". I gave her my opinion. Her bit on the side is married but apparently "we just share a house. We don't share a bed. We don't share bills. I do my own washing and shopping". I asked her why they still live together and she said neither can be bothered selling or divorcing. I told her if it was over, they would've sold up and divorced and she should step aside and see what happens without her in the picture. I was so angry. I told her she doesn't have a clue what goes on behind closed doors. And if they are split up, why does he return home just before she wakes. I also told her until divorced a man is out of bounds and she shouldn't do anything to encourage them to divorce. Her answer? It's only a bit of fun. Told her I don't think his wife would see it like that. Asked her what she would do if her exH found out. She said he wouldn't but he wouldn't ever turn his back on her. Major cake eater.

BIL and his long term partner have also split up. She was going back home in the early hours and he got fed up with it. Don't know much more than that other than their parenting seems to be quite amicable at the moment. He's considerably older than her (think about 17 years or round about) and she's still wanting to party whilst he's tucked up in bed. I hope they can work it out for the sake of their kids.

Nephew (BIL son) and his fiance had a baby shower (baby is due in April. None of his side of the family turned up so they're not best pleased. Said MLers family is only ever there when they want something. And that seems to be the case now.

I'm glad I'm out of the drama.

On to MLer. He has now moved in with ow. I don't know when. I listen to what I'm told and don't ask any more. Apparently, he stays with her in her house 5/6 nights a week but won't give up his room at the pub. When he isn't with her, she's not with him. She has stopped going to the pub now. Whenever I've been told (I've been told a few times), I just say that I hope he's happy.

I'm really not bothered. I have my life and it doesn't include him
 He had his life and it doesn't include me or the kids. It didn't come as a surprise and I know it's just the next step on his journey and I really do wish him luck.

After 7 weeks of nothing, he came up to see the kids tonight. We weren't in because I was getting a prescription for D. He went to my sister's to see if we were there and she said we weren't and she didn't know where we were.

My sister said he looked downtrodden and dishevelled, like he hadn't slept for a week. She went through a major depression when she split up with the father of her children  (due to domestic violence/abuse). She described herself as walking around in a daze, numb to everything and said he looked like she did back then- broken. She said she felt sorry for him and was cordial with him. I'm glad of that. MLer and my sister were quite close at one time then, on my son's birthday he got nasty with her and she didn't hold back telling him what she thought. After that, she has been gunning for him. I'm glad it was civil.

I'm really annoyed that he hasnt been for so long and just expects to drop in whenever he feels like it. It's not fair on the kids. I'm also unimpressed that he hasnt checked on them when the weather was bad. He has blocked me so I can't keep him up to date on anything, its down to him to keep himself informed.

Anyway, if he comes back up, do I say anything? I'm thinking of saying that if he comes up, it has to be the same time, same day every week and if he can't commit to that, not to bother because it isn't fair on the kids. Do I bother? It's sad because i don't even know how to be around him any more. It also seems to me that our kids only mean something to him when things aren't good with ow. I don't want them to be his crutch
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2130
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #50 on: March 17, 2018, 10:34:32 AM »
I think it's reasonable to ask him to have a schedule with the kids.  Kids do so much better on a schedule.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #51 on: April 17, 2018, 05:24:07 AM »
Not much has happened since I last posted but some big steps have been taken.

He came up the Wednesday before Easter Sunday and told D he had seen a solicitor. She came in and told me and then followed it up by "but we've heard that before, haven't we mum".

S was very nervous about seeing him because it had been so long since he had seen him.

D was trying to tell him how good she was doing at school and how hard it had been for her (with the bad weather and her illnesses). He didn't really listen and she felt unheard. He just stuck to his own agenda.

He came up on the Saturday before Easter and brought ow with him. How dare he bring her to my house. It's only my opinion and I might be monkey braining but the only time she comes near my house is when they feel like they have something to prove to themselves, to create drama when things aren't going so well between them. There was no reason for her to come to my house; they were going to his pub and it is on the way so she could've been dropped off there. He also told D "all my family are at the pub". I felt that was unfair on D because it's her family too.

Anyway, to now. He has finally been to see a solicitor about contact with the kids. Now I have to find my old phone and get proactive.

What does this mean in terms of where he is in the tunnel? I know you shouldn't watch but I've been having some weird dreams lately that involve him (probably due to the moon). Is he just looking for something to fill the void still or is he actually seeing some of the consequences of his actions and trying to right his wrongs? Or is he just trying to create drama?

Whichever way, I'm going to insist he has supervised access to start with and I'm going to ask for a background check on ow and try keep her away from them. Not because shes the ow but because she's not a good influence and is so unstable that she would fall apart if there was a strong gust
« Last Edit: April 17, 2018, 05:25:13 AM by What now »
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 6973
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #52 on: April 17, 2018, 06:47:13 AM »
Quote from: What now
Is he just looking for something to fill the void still or is he actually seeing some of the consequences of his actions and trying to right his wrongs? Or is he just trying to create drama?

Highly probable, VERY unlikely (like borderline impossible), and most definitely...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2500
  • Gender: Male
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #53 on: April 17, 2018, 06:48:16 AM »
Just read your complete Thread and now im totally exhausted... You have a roght Piece of work there im afraid. Im so sorry for you, how can he be so horrible to the Kids?
Just another MLCer who Need a Punch in the face and a kick in the balls  :(
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5194
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #54 on: April 17, 2018, 08:01:40 AM »
WN
Given that you've had threats from ow, she's bipolar, your S has special needs, your H has sent abusive messages to you, not paid child support and gone long periods without seeing them...and now brought ow to your house...is it time for you to see a L and formalise the arrangements with regard to the kids? Maybe supervised visitation in a neutral place on  schedule just him would be better for the kids and you?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #55 on: April 17, 2018, 12:07:40 PM »
UM you confirmed what I thought.

Whyus 😂😂 I spat my drink out reading your response. You have a way with words........

And treasur, absolutely. I did try get him to mediation as soon as I was uncomfortable with how he was being with the kids but he wouldn't do it because, according to him, I didn't want to go to sort him seeing the kids, it was because I wanted him back. He just wasn't willing to work with me, he wanted it all his way with no thought for the kids at all.

Although I have no issues sorting it out, I could've done without it right now. S has some appointments coming up and I'm having lots of meetings about D with her going to secondary school so my diary is fit to burst already. I know that's selfish, me and the kids just have a lot on our plates at the moment.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2018, 01:03:40 PM by What now »
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2500
  • Gender: Male
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #56 on: April 17, 2018, 12:15:28 PM »
Im i made you laugh for a while then its made my day. ;D
Stay strong beaut, you dont deserve this
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5194
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #57 on: April 17, 2018, 12:46:59 PM »
So what's your next 'cunning plan' alternative, WN, if your H is a selfish MLC a$$hat who won't work with you in mediation for the kids' best interests?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #58 on: April 17, 2018, 01:23:44 PM »
No point in mediation, treasur. I've got full days for the rest of this week so I'm putting in a call to a solicitor tomorrow and seeing if I can get an appointment for early next week, let them deal with it.

I've got 10 days to respond so I had best get on with it as soon as I possibly can. Wish me luck! 😊
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2130
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #59 on: April 21, 2018, 12:18:51 PM »
Thinking of you WN.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #60 on: May 27, 2018, 06:39:59 PM »
Aww, thank you, FW.

Since my last thread, (you might want to sit down for the next part) me and MLer had a chat. First time in over a year that we have spoken.

S had an appointment with the geneticist and i forwarded a copy of the appointment letter to MLer so he could come. He didn't turn up. That is what the conversation was about. He said he got the letter on the afternoon of the appointment. He asked how it went so I told him I didn't really want to talk about it in front of the kids (D is a worry wart) but I will forward the next letter to him that I receive. There wasn't really much to tell him. Because of where S's chromosome duplications are, they were investigating muscular dystrophy. The tests came back negative (I didnt know what they were looking for until they phoned me with the results) and the dr said he will write to me with the next course of action.

I couldve explained this to MLer but he does this dazed look and he doesnt really concentrate on anything being said anyway.

I havent responded to the letter i received because I lost it (I know, it was important and I put it in a "safe" place, so safe that I dont know where it is!). I did tell MLer that I have misplaced it and asked him to get another letter sent to me (and bill me for it if needed). I know he wont do it and all I can hope is that it doesnt go against me.

Both the kids have been poorly yet again. They dont seem to be able to fight anything off. It was tonsillitis again. 10 days of antibiotics again. And just before the national testing for D. Shes done all her tests now and her appeal to get into her school of choice was upheld so things are looking good.

Ive also been doing a lot of soul searching and Ive come to the conclusion that MLers family are all going through something. I think his MLC was the universes way of helping. MLer wouldnt have been able to deal with any of the issues around the kids and, to be honest, he added a lot more to my plate. I dont think i wouldve been able to deal with his mum and her health issues, the pub and the issues that go with that, him and his issues, his dads issues, his step-mums issues and the older kids issues (dont get me wrong, I still speak to them and Im always going to be there, no matter what but I dont have him going on about his worries, projecting his feelings onto them). I just feel a lot more free than i used to and at this moment in time, I am being the parent my kids need me to be rather than giving them whatever I have spare at the end of fixing everyone elses problems. Thats it. Im no longer a fixer for the world. I no longer want to be and the freedom that comes from that is exhilarating.

Going back to my step children and the whole family going through something. SD21 has a new girlfriend!!! Brilliant for her. I think her choice of women is going to completely divide the whole family (if it hasnt already). The woman cheated on her long term partner to be with SD. Her (ex)partner just happens to be BIL so that would effectively be SD's aunt (not blood but still bad).

BIL and SIL were together roughly 10/11 years. They have children together. She has been in SD's life since SD was 11! It is so wrong on so many levels. I thought my kids had it bad but her kids have to deal with mum not only going from dad to someone else, but that someone else is their cousin! And she (SIL) made a classy announcement on FB (because thats where all real love stories are told!). It basically told the whole world who she was with, how happy she was and for everyone to keep their opinions to themselves as theres no firetrucks given about what people think!!! If thats the case, then why put it on fb and invite the whole world to have an opinion? Oh, and she included some "look at how much we love each other" photos for good measure!!! Now, that has disaster written all over it and not one thats easy to come back from.

I think this may encourage the MLer to spin out again.

I do need some opinions and advice. D has decided she no longer wants to see dad. She doesnt want to tell him so she doesnt hurt his feelings but she says his visits are pointless because all he does is name call (me) and tell the kids hes taking me to court. She asks me to take them to my sisters (just down the road from me). I have done that a couple of times with a lot going on at school for her but I dont want her to think this is how to deal with things. I keep telling her she really needs to have a conversation with dad and tell him how shes feeling. She says she does like him coming when I make her see him but she dreads him coming up until the point she opens the door to him. Then she gets excited and deflated because she doesnt feel a connection with him (she hasnt said that, its just how it sounds to me). Its just been his birthday and she had no input in the present and card S chose for him and Fathers day is coming up so shes asked me to get him a card saying "thanks for always being there!" then "thats right, youre not" on the inside. Shes very angry with him at the moment.

I dont want to feel like shes made to see her dad by me. I dont want to talk to him myself and tell him that the kids dont really want to see him (S doesnt see him as part of the family and does his own thing when he turns up anyway) because then its all my fault and Ive turned them against him. Whats the best way forward?

Another short update has turned into this!!! Sorry folks and well done if you got to the end (even if you have skim read)
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 6973
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #61 on: May 28, 2018, 03:31:29 AM »
Wow....

SD is taking the old "The Family that lays together, stays together" sick joke just a bit too far... Yeah, I'm thinking that there are so many ways that could go wrong and the GAF (Give a ....) Attitude has MLC written all over it don't you think?

As far as the kids go, I really don't know what to tell you there. It is hard to stand by when you know that they don't want to deal with dad but at the same time, they can't tell him that. The card is a very passive-aggressive thing  but at the same time, it reflects her feelings...

It is sad that the kids are not able to talk to their father and say how they feel... But even more so that he is not capable of actually listening to how they feel...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Philadelphiagirl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 402
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #62 on: May 28, 2018, 05:36:04 AM »
Hey What N - I had been wondering how you and the kids had been getting along, have been meaning to email for ages but you know what its like with the little ones to look after. Don't stress about the letter, surely it should be easily replaceable. I put things in safe places a lot and then spend ages looking for them. Sorry to hear that your kids have been ill but good news on your D's school.

I am pleased that you are enjoying a bit of freedom. I don't blame your D for not wanting to see her Dad - who could! I have the same here, my H hasn't seen kids since December and my S now hates him, and my D is sort of on the fence about seeing him (if he ever remembers they exist) but neither of them has spoken to him since last year. They have not been able to express their feelings at all as he stopped them last year telling them it would `ruin the day'. So, I'm not sure what will happen if he does suddenly decide he wants to spend time with them. I decided I would probably get social worker intervention to speak to him given how long his vanishing act has gone on. I don't want the kids to be any more traumatised than they already are.

My Dr. said that it is really bad for kids not to be able to express their feelings as they then start to think that things are their fault. As UM said though - is the ML'er in the position to listen. Sorry I'm not being much help, just want you to know that you are not alone. This mess is the making of the ML'er - they just don't have their kids on their radar.

Both my kids refused to send Father's Day stuff last year and have said the same this year. Sad but inevitable really. I worry that people will think that their distance is of my making but we know honestly that the way in which the ML handled this is the reason for the mess. Take care and keep in touch, PG X 
 

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2130
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #63 on: June 04, 2018, 07:31:13 PM »
Crazy SD for sure!

Sorry to hear about the continued health stuff and losing of that letter.

I feel so bad for our kids who have to deal with MLC.  It's bad enough for us, but add kids in the mix and it's just so sad.  I can't imagine my F ever doing something like that.  He will always be my hero.  It's sad that these MLCers don't even realize what all they've lost.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #64 on: June 06, 2018, 03:18:48 PM »
Thanks for stopping by UM, Philly and FW.

I really think MLer spinning out of control had a knock on effect. ow was SD's best friend and no regard was shown for SD's feelings in the matter. I also highly suspect ow was in a relationship with SD at some point. MLer suspected it too. If that is the case, it is something that's going to completely mess with your head.

MLer continues to confuse me. He stopped by tonight. I was at my sister's and he went there. He took MIL! I can't believe it. 18 months since she's seen the kids. She gave me a hug and told me I look to have changed and I look well. I told her if she wants to see the kids to just let me know and we will sort something out. I then went back in and left them to it.

From what they said, the kids were over the moon to see her. She gave them both some money and her and D were crying with joy to see each other. It was overwhelming. Nice to see but so sad too. Whilst D was spending time with MIL, MLer was spending time with S! He never does this! I was happy but it seemed like it was for MIL's benefit. Oh well, S enjoyed it so that's all that matters, I suppose.

Back to MLer, when I answered the door, he just stared at me. I shouted the kids and attempted to make small talk whilst the kids got shoes on and decided they actually wanted to see their dad. He just stared. Absolutely nothing back. No monster. No chit chat. Just a stare, a bit like how he used to look at me when we first got together. I stopped talking to him and told him I would just get the kids.

Anyway, MIL said he is looking after her well and she has been in hospital for 3 months. From what D said, he started on about me and wasn't being too kind so MIL just reminded him that he shouldn't be speaking like that in front of children. And he stopped. This confused me because he has never looked after her. Her parents died and she nursed them through ill health, he didn't help because he had a young family. When we were together, he always expressed regret at not helping and her going through it more or less alone.

He's also replaced our dog. Throughout his teenage years and when he was a young adult, when he had just had SD27 and SS25, he had a German shepherd pup. It was his best friend and he loved it more than he loved life itself. He's got one again. He said he didn't want to get another one of them when we were together because he didn't want to replace the one he had lost. And now he has.

I think I have finally figured out the time of his life he is re-doing. I know it doesn't chage a thing, just adds a bit of clarity to me. Answers a few of the "whys".

Although he told the kids he has a dog, he still hasn't told them he doesn't live at the pub like they think and he hasn't told them him and ow are engaged to be married. I think the other things are bigger than them getting a dog together so why would he omit everything else and share that? Rhetorical question but it does make you wonder
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #65 on: June 28, 2018, 09:48:32 AM »
Why oh why can't I just keep my sassy mouth under wraps?

He came up again and I went a bit mad. He complained I was never at home. I told him we aren't staying in just on the off-chance that he turns up. Told him to call in advance because he turns up then doesn't turn up for weeks.

He told me he doesn't have my number. Not my problem.

I asked him why he hasn't been to see them in a while. He said he's been sorting stuff.

And this coincides with him and ow splitting up at the weekend. I don't know if it's done but it's pretty serious, apparently shes taken the picture of them off all their social media. Now, he suddenly has time for his kids. Pfffft.
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5194
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #66 on: June 28, 2018, 10:23:05 AM »
Don’t se anything wrong with that bit of sassy factual reality. It’s true right? You and the kids have a life even if he left. And if he wants to contact any of you, he can ask for a number right?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #67 on: June 28, 2018, 02:08:49 PM »
It is true, Treasur, but a part of my mirror work was not to think "is it kind? Is it necessary" before I respond to anything or anyone.

Just a bit mad that he can still press my buttons. Shows I'm not as detached as I thought I was. This is a frustrating process.

And he does have my number. He has the landline (it was his too for 10 years), he has my email, he has our address. He hasnt got D's number yet becausee she hasnt given it to him. He doesn't have an excuse not to communicate, I send letters about the kids when needed (a pathetic way to do things but it's the only way I can).

I see others on here handling it so well and I can't seem to. More work is needed
« Last Edit: June 28, 2018, 02:10:02 PM by What now »
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5194
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #68 on: June 29, 2018, 03:12:45 AM »
Ah, you're doing ok, much better than you think you are my friend.
It is a time of insanity really where none of the normal life rules seem to work anymore...where the simplest thing seems really complicated...no wonder it takes a while for all of us to adapt.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #69 on: July 16, 2018, 03:27:16 PM »
Treasur, thank you. You're exactly right, normal life rules don't apply.

Bit of an update. D had some tests they do at the end of primary school (when the kids are around 11) and she smashed them. Top scores in all of them! Now, i disagree with these tests completely because there are so many changes going on for them at this time and it just adds to the stress. I told her if she tries her best and doesn't do well, I would still be proud. Anyway, she's very pleased with herself that she did so well. Especially seeing as she was getting over tonsillitis when she did them and hadn't been to school for 3 weeks at the time they were (illness and weather). I'm so pleased all the worrying she did paid off for her.

We went to the beach this weekend as it was D's 11th birthday. I went with my sister and nephews as she's my right hand person. I was dreading it because of both of my children's very different needs. My sister always steps in with one if the other needs my focus. We had a few little wobbles but nothing major and inwas so.proud with how they handled it. D was in the water a lot and I kept putting sun cream on her but she still got burnt. All in all though, it was a lovely day out or "epic" as my kids say.

We just had such an amazing time. Very tired and very sore when we got home.

It was her birthday on Sunday and because Saturday was so busy, she needed a day to decompress. She couldn't do this because she had arranged to go to my sister's to have her cake and have my mum and brother come to visit. I explained to them about how she was feeling and they got it so left her alone and only spoke to her when she spoke to them.

However, MLer came up with stuff for her. I let her answer the door as usual and she got her card and thanked him for it. Out of the blue, he shouted up to me "C, the dog is still insured so if she needs any treatment, just take her to the vets" I just said ok and went about my day. He was hanging around in the inside of my house which normally he stays on the doorstep. There wasn't much in the way of conversation between him and the kids. D told him about her test results. Crickets. She told him about her day out. Crickets again.

Then I think he decided last minute that he wanted to take them out for the day. Explained we had plans and that it's unfair of him to put me on the spot like that. D came up and told me she didn't want to go. Then he shouted up to me "but she's just told me she's bored and wants to come". Really?! So I said to her if you want to go, you can, it's fine so she shook her head. I just said we have plans and she doesn't want to cancel them. Doesn't he realise she can't just change plans at the drop of a hat?

Neither he or ow got a present for her (ow normally shops for them And gets stuff they can't use or don't need because they already have it). D got money. She also got a card that was written by him. D really liked that because she felt her dad had put a bit of thought into it. ow didn't pee on her territory.

S kept calling him by his name and not dad but D said he that MLer wasn't paying attention anyway. I spoke to S and told him that's his daddy so he really shouldn't address him by his first name. Not going to force the issue though.

Anyway, after he left, D said "I know it's my birthday but I don't know why he came up, spent most of the time trying to.talk to you and ignoring us".

Sad that she feels like that but everything he was saying was a bit random. I never said anything about the dog and wanting to take them out; he said for a couple of hours. Then he wanted to take them to the beach which is roughly an hour and a half but would've been a lot longer with the weather being as it is; everyone would've wanted to go. Not mentioning that last time we went, it took over 3 hours because D is travel sick and all the curved roads lead in there make it worse. We had to keep stopping. So, it would've been a lot longer than a couple of hours. And D thinks he was just trying to out-do me because the kids had such a good time. She also keeps ask if if he's high (she's done a drugs awareness course at school and his odd behaviour is freakig her out, she says he isn't her dad; the one she remembers).

He peeked out a bit so he won't come up to see the kids for another 6 weeks now! Never mind, we have a life! And it is good
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #70 on: July 18, 2018, 05:45:34 AM »
And there we have it! The other shoe has dropped!

He has FINALLY (after 18 months of not seeing the kids properly) filed for access to the children.

Interestingly enough (or not so.....), it is actually ow who filed and he just signed.

When asked about what relationship we both are to the children, she wrote "what now-mother. MLer named on birth certificate". So he's not their dad then? Maybe I read that wrong but it is a very unusual way to answer the question.

She also wrote on a brief outline of the situation as it stands "what now is refusing me to have contact with my children other than on her doorstep all due to the relationship breaking down".

 :o :o :o really? It's not just my doorstep, its theirs, it's their home. I have also invited MLer in to see the kids but he doesn't think his girlfriend will appreciate it. And due to the relationship breakdown? Please. I gave MLer the chance to have access to the kids. Initially every other week and then every week for 1 night. He neglected them. Then I gave him every Saturday and Wednesday evening. He didn't want Wednesday evening and would bring them back on Saturday without feeding them, telling me about any accidents and being horrible about me and son who has special needs. No court in the land will let him have unsupervised access. As for ow, a drug taking, drunken party animal who has bipolar disorder and doesn't medicate it properly. No. My kids will not go near her!
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #71 on: August 21, 2018, 04:34:04 AM »
Sooooo........update time.

We had our first court hearing yesterday. It went as well as can be expected. As it's about the kids, a worker has to be involved to make sure the kids are kept safe from harm in any way. As part of this, they telephone both parents and discuss any issues they might have around drinking, violence, neglect. That sort of thing. I told the worker a lot.

He told the worker he didn't have any concerns about my parenting but I did scream at him in front of the kids from the top of the stairs to take me to court. I can't remember doing that.

Anyway, we've both made a promise not to be negative about one another. Told the worker it's not hard to promise to do something I don't do anyway. He denied drinking excessively and drug taking. He said he has a pint at the end of the working day and has had to sign a written agreement not to drink 24 hours before having the kids and whilst he has them. If he does, he could be fined and/or sent to prison.

They have some more checks to do. Because I raised concerns about ow, she has to have background checks (police mainly) for the last 5 years. MLer has to have police checks (which will have drink related offences before we got together on there) and I had to have them done. It came back with no trace for me which basically means I have no criminal record.

The kids have to be spoken to and I have to present any evidence I have to support my allegations. It's all go.

He told D11 that we had court so she was fretting all day. She went AWOL from my sister's so I had that to deal with whilst I was there.

ow turned up but I'm not sure why. She wasn't allowed in So it was 3 hours of waiting for her. I walked past her with confidence and grace (after I smiled at her). I could hear them whispering and they kept looking over. I was busy talking to the kids and my sister over text. Just wish she would butt out once in a while. She's very controlling and insecure.

All in all, it was pretty positive for now. Hopefully my kids will get a decent enough outcome. My concerns have been taken seriously so I'm happy. The only time he spoke in the court was to tell the court that he didn't work in the pub, he owned it 😂 and to that, the judge said "it's somewhat of a boyhood dream, to own a pub" I sniggered because that, to me, was a massive MLC red flag. The judge also tried to make a joke, saying "oh, so you own it and you don't work in it nor do you walk through it". It was lost on MLer and he started saying "well I have to walk through it......"

Since I last posted, I have read my journey. Just for reminders of what me and the kids have been through so I could give a clear picture to the court. I can't believe I ever doubted it was MLC. Not everything that was said has been script but ever action was. You just don't think it when you're going through it initially.

So I am confident it is MLC. I don't hope for reconciliation any more. He is so far removed from the person he was. I'm moving on with my life whichever way feels right to me. I've done my healing and mirror work and I'm ready to leave it behind me.

I have heard that MLer is still running. He is still drinking until 4/5am. ow doesn't go with him any more. She takes him to work and picks him up (yes! At 4/5am) because she was sick of hearing people say that she was only in the relationship because he owns a business! (which, by the way, he isn't paying his loan on)

I don't look back and feel anger or pain any more. A bit of sadness that it didn't work but I not longer blame myself or him. It was just an event that happened. I've forgiven him in my heart.

My lawyer said something that made me uncomfortable. "Tactically, it might be better for us to........." It just felt like it was a game being played. It hurt because it's personal to me and it affects my kids but I let her do her thing. She knows more about it all than me.

I expected to feel super nervous in the courtroom but I didn't. I didn't really feel anything. Just happy to hand it over to someone else I think.

On an end note (I know, I don't stop talking). I would like to thank everyone on here who has helped me on my journey. I'm only 20 months in but it feels like a lifetime. So much has happened and I feel all the advice saved me. It stopped me from making mistakes I didn't need to and stopped me from hurting myself more.

Now to let go and let God. I will be back, stalking and posting updates and asking advice but this last month has provided me with a lot of clarity and hopefully, my emotions will calm down a bit and when it comes to him and ow, I can start to act with a bit more rationality.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 6973
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #72 on: August 21, 2018, 05:54:05 AM »
Now we'll see what the courts decide...

Just like his Pub, he owns it and he's going to have to walk through it...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Philadelphiagirl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 402
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #73 on: August 21, 2018, 03:52:56 PM »
Just a quick hello WN. I am following along but must have missed your last message. You are sounding good, well done! I will post properly tomorrow when I'm awake! I like UM comment there - yes time to face the music ML'er!!! Take care, PG xxx 

Offline Philadelphiagirl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 402
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #74 on: August 25, 2018, 11:33:21 AM »
Hey WN, I had missed a couple of your posts. You sound so strong and sorted now and are obviously being a strong Mammy for your kids. I'm expecting my H to apply for access at some point. I am on the same time line as you. Yes, I now see it as a MLC also. I was too confused until recently but as you say the things that they do eventually show that it is definitely a crisis.

My D also calls her Dad by his first name now. She refuses to call him Daddy and my S doesn't refer to him with any name at all. My H didn't like being called by his name and told her so but she continued to do it.

So, what are your plans for you and the kids now? It's strange how to begin with we are so traumatised we cannot see straight and then suddenly we start to focus solely on us and the kids again. Be very proud of yourself friend, you have travelled the rocky road with grace and determination - always putting your kids first. A bright future awaits.

Take care of yourself and your D&S, love and support, PG XXX   



Offline megogirl

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 594
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #75 on: August 25, 2018, 01:25:30 PM »
My D also calls her Dad by his first name now.

Whether she knows it or not....this is fantastic

HAHAHAHAHA - you reap what you sow, jerk!


Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #76 on: August 26, 2018, 04:22:01 AM »
Yep, time to reap what you sow,  MLer! But, as everyone here knows, it's all my fault! Lol.

Thanks for stopping by UK, Philly and mego.

I forgot to mention, he also has to take a drug test, a 6 month segmented hair one. He has been told he's not allowed to cut his hair until that's done 😂 he won't be happy about that. We both have to pay for it too. I don't know how they will do a 6 month one because his hair isn't that long and it grows quick.

My plans for me and the kids now- I don't really have many if I'm honest. Just trying to get D settled into her new school and maybe take more trips. S is having yet more assessments done to figure out his needs.

I've enquired about a course to become a teaching assistant (because I have kids with additional needs, I want to be a Special Educational needs teaching assistant) and hope to start that in September. I don't know if I'm being a bit optimistic because of the changes and the court case and everything that's going on with the kids but I can try. If it's too much, I will see if I can join the course another time.

Life, although MLer keeps trying to make things hard, is a lot more settled this year than it was last and I do feel like I need something for me. D is 11, S is 5 (6 in December) and I feel I owe it to them to try get us more on our feet. I want to make them proud too.

I just hope my kids manage to fight off the winter viruses this year (they tend to pick up everything and be really quite ill), if they don't, it could scupper my plans. We will see anyway. I have a clear pathway now and I won't stop until I get it
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #77 on: September 15, 2018, 07:36:51 PM »
Just an update on MLer.

SD contacted me as she saw D at her new school. She asked if she went to school there as she has just got a new job down the road from her school.

As we got chatting, she asked if her dad (addressed by his first name) still saw S and D. I told her no (didn't tell her it was court ordered), not at the moment but we are trying to sort something out that works for us both.

The next minute, she's telling me her and MLer have come to blows over her girlfriend (the messy situation. Her girlfriend was with her uncle, MLers brother for 10 years and they have children together). She's told me she had to get a non molestation order out on MLer as he was sending nasty and threatening messages to her. I didn't ask, just told her it was wrong. She then went on to say he told her to slit her wrists.

I know it's a lot of he said/she said but it's just absolutely unbelievable. If he was like this before, I must not have had rose tinted glasses but blacked out ones. The person I knew and loved would never have done this to their child! He was a good man and a good dad. MLC or not, this is a step too far in my opinion. She also said it seems like he's addicted to drama and gets nasty when he doesn't get his own way.

I don't think he will have the reserves to face up to the devastation he has caused all round. My heart is breaking for SD.

I also saw SS (MLers partner in crime - they are drinking buddies and have known to do drugs together as a "bonding" thing) the day after. SD said he's been doing the same as MLer so she's fallen out with him too.

 He wanted to come to my house to see D. Not both of them, just D (I don't know what S has done so wrong to make everyone want to brush him to one side). I said no because we had plans but I'm also worried about the kids being dragged into the latest drama fest. D was not happy and fell out with me massively. I told her I'm not changing our plans and he can come another time. I bet it's the last we hear of him for another 2 years!
« Last Edit: September 15, 2018, 07:38:13 PM by What now »
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2130
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #78 on: September 21, 2018, 05:09:15 PM »
Hey WN, I took a bit of a break, but I'm back and catching up.  I hope you continue to fill us in on the court's decision.

Definitely weird how the filing was filled out, like the person writing it felt that he wasn't the father, but that his name was on the birth certificate(s).  Psycho!
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1611
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #79 on: September 26, 2018, 05:07:10 AM »
What an insane story, and always sad to hear about them falling even further from who they were...but also kinda validating that it isn't just us.  ;)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline What nowTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #80 on: December 06, 2018, 02:07:21 PM »
Thanks for dropping by FW and Mortes.

Well, it's been an age since I updated because I've had a lot on. Seeing as it's my 2 year BD anniversary tomorrow (as well as 16 years since we first got together and my birthday!), I thought I would update a bit.

I've started taking SD21 to work on a regular basis. She works down the road from D11's school so I drop them off at the same time (when she's not sleeping in). She often asks after her dad but I don't tell her anything I know because I still treat her like one of my own so she gets to know as much as they do. The younger 2 are loving seeing their sister more regularly.

I went speed dating with my friend! It was a bit of a laugh and I went more as a wingwoman than anything else. I even managed to get a few people interested. I don't know how, I gave out the worst vibes 😂 we also got home in the early hours because there was a train strike. I was in a busy city, surrounded by students and felt every bit my age. It was good fun though.

My car has died. Well, not died. The engine started smoking and it turns out someone who I had work on it didn't do the work but still charged for it. The radiator has gone (something that was replaced 51 weeks ago!) Something I didn't need. I can't afford to sort it because I'm paying my solicitor

Now for the juicy part- court and MLCer shenanigans!

We were in court last week and a report had to be done to determine how much time he should spend with the kids and if it's safe. We both got interviewed and I was asked the question "why do you think he has taken it to court" and I just said I didn't have a clue but I don't think he was happy with the amount of time he gets with the kids. He was asked why he thought I had stopped him seeing the kids, I did it "out of spite" and contact had ceased because my attempts at reconciliation had been declined by him in 2017. But he said that contact had stopped in 2018. And that contact had been successful for 6 months and he had been able to have the kids whenever. His interview was full of nonsense. He self reported how much alcohol he drank and it came back there was a problem with alcohol.

Anyway, in court, the magistrates didn't seem like they had time for him. He hadn't done his drug test. They asked him about that and he had 3 different excuses. He didn't think I would pay my half (had done ages ago). He thought he total cost was double what it was - not a chance. The person who was organising it had explained to him the price and he agreed. Then he wouldn't answer the phone to them when they wanted to arrange it. And the last excuse was that he didn't have the money this close to Christmas, to which the judge replied "had you done it when you was ordered to then Christmas wouldn't be an issue"

Because he hadn't done the drug test, the magistrates weren't happy with giving him much contact at all. He has 2 supported contact sessions in a contact centre. I also argued for the kids that they should get to see him around Christmas so he has 90 minutes on boxing day.

They didn't want to give him that because he was pushing for it to be at his home with ow and her kids. Due to the issues both of my kids have (which both schools have reported), he was told he was expecting too much too soon. Also, D has said that she doesn't want ow there so she's not allowed near. He was supposed to start contact every other week with just him and the kids and every Wednesday after school after the 2 contact centre sessions. If the drug test results come back positive, contact at the centre can still go ahead at the contact centre but nothing else can happen.

Then it goes back to court on 9th January. He said in his interview that me saying he was using cocaine was a malicious allegation.  He also said I had been encouraging the kids to call him by his first name (because of S going through that phase when you discover your parents have actual names so you call them by it) and that the kids have slammed the door in his face (they haven't) because I've told them to. And I've also been screaming at him in front of them. Pure projection.

ow still has some checks to come back. Both MLCer and ow have got things come back on their police checks but the courts weren't particularly concerned about them.

D had to be interviewed. The person who interviewed her said that he had never spoken to a child who was so happy to share their feelings without fear of upsetting anyone and that I had been doing a good job of making the kids not feel like they have to take sides! Both schools said the kids were doing brilliantly and they had no concerns.

I've got an appointment booked next week because the drug test came back positive! I can't believe it. Now we know why he wouldn't do the test. To be continued.......
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5194
  • Gender: Female
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #81 on: December 06, 2018, 11:48:07 PM »
You are doing so well, and how lovely that for once the legal system is seeing that and prioritising your kids needs. And your daughter sounds delightful!
Guess the drug test wasn't a big surprise? Sad though, but better to have independent proof and to be realistic about it. I suspect the January court date will be no more comfortable for him than the last date given that...

I hope you all have a lovely drama-free Christmas.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 6973
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #82 on: December 07, 2018, 02:04:27 AM »
So, he popped positive on the drug test... gee... Imagine my surprise....

Isn't his OW the druggie?

He really seems to have to keep digging his own hole despite he's already deep in it... <smh>
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk