Author Topic: My Story The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle  (Read 3601 times)

Offline FaithWalker

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My Story Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #20 on: December 07, 2017, 08:32:36 PM »
Happy B-day, WN.  I think it's terrible that he had to BD you on your B-day.   >:(
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #21 on: December 08, 2017, 03:50:58 AM »
''Don't argue with idiots because they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience''.

Absolutely love that. Probably going to use that at some point.  8)

That is when you need to learn to art of the one liner shoot down.

Some witty one liner that is so great there really is no comeback that doesn't make them look ridiculous.

Then those people tend to start in with childish stupid remarks and make themselves look even worse, and then their lime light turns into a spotlight and they don't like the attention so much anymore.

Tend to leave you alone after that.  8)

But eh...nevermind me. Probably not general advice for you know..grown adults..and MLC..and whatever.  :o
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #22 on: December 08, 2017, 04:17:29 AM »
Faith, it is what it is. It was actually me who kicked him out because he has spent all night out with ow and expected me to believe he had fallen asleep in his pub! He always says that "but you kicked me out"  🤔 does that matter if he's found the love of his life? 😂

Mortes, I totally get you and most mature people would be put down and put off with a very well thought out shut down. ow's tend not to be mature. They thrive on attention and anything you say to them, they will always find an answer back. "The sky is blue" "well, its your fault he is with me because back on 2002, you burnt the meat and he doesn't like burnt meat". They're not logical either.

The way to get to them is to not engage in their drama. It's like cutting off their air supply.

If I had replied to that message then I would have been the big bad ex who harrassed them. Then, because they had a common force to fight against, their schmoopie luv would have gotten stronger.

When dealing with my MLer, I think be a got back about 30 years. It's like a teenage relationship and I'm like the mum who opposed it. The more drama I feed into, the more it pushes them together.

Does that make sense? Hope it does. If they were more mature, I might have said something. Believe me, it took me all my strength not to. But it's wasted on them. Leave them to it and it will all come crashing down around them at some point. For now, I've got my own life to live 🙂
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #23 on: December 08, 2017, 04:21:06 AM »
Yeah you are right.  :D

I am just saying that I will probably F that one up when/ if it comes my way.  :P
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #24 on: December 08, 2017, 08:57:22 AM »
😂 I thought i would too. I'm really feisty, to say the least. Normally, if it's in my head, it comes out of my mouth so the amount of self restraint I had to have was massive and I'm proud!

If you just remind yourself that you are better than them and that they're just a symptom so actually mean nothing, you won't go far wrong.

I can't remember which member it was but someone had their son saying to them "hes not looking for someone better than you, he's looking for someone worse than himself".
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #25 on: December 19, 2017, 04:30:32 AM »
Hi WhatN, just checking in to see how you are getting on with the run up to Xmas. Hope that you and the kids are doing well and that all has been quiet in MLC land. We are at the end of the first year - next year is going to be our year! Take care, have a lovely festive season, Philly g xxx

Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #26 on: December 21, 2017, 04:58:25 PM »
Thanks for checking in Philly. I haven't been updating my thread because it's been insanely busy.

Things haven't been quiet in MLC land but I think I unintentionally stirred things up for myself. Let me explain.

It was S's birthday. We did the same thing we do every year and went to my sister's straight from school. D decided she wanted to throw a tea party for S so we decided to stay a little longer than expected. S wasn't himself when we came out of school so we did the cake whilst we were waiting for some pizza to arrive  (D only got sweet stuff).

He got on my knee and went to sleep. I texted MLer to tell him we wouldn't be home when he finished work (didn't explain why, I only had one hand) and he went mad and was being abusive. I replied to the messages I could reply to but he was still monstering so I ignored him. Had he been ok, I would've probably phoned him after work and told him he was welcome to join us (he isn't allowed to receive phone calls whilst working).

He came up to my sisters after he had finished work and my sister went to the door as I still had S on my knee. I could hear a lot of shouting and it was unsettling D and my nephews so I put S down and went out, asking him why he was shouting on my sisters doorstep, telling him he was upsetting the kids and to stop. He replied "I didn't start it"  :o

He pushed S's presents into my hands and drove off muttering something.

Before we went back in I told my sister I wasn't happy with either of them because it had upset the kids. I asked what had gone on and her reply was "he asked to see the birthday and i said he was asleep because he was poorly. He called me a liar and i let that go. He told me he shouldnt be here if hes poorly so i told him you came to get presents and he fell asleep straight away so you were just waiting for him to wake and youre going home. he called you an a-hole and I let that slide. He said you don't let him see the kids and it's a load of bs and I let that slide. He then said that he only gets to see the kids once a week for 10 minutes because that's all that you allow him. I couldn't not say anything so I just told him he contradicted himself because he said he didn't see them and he only sees them once a week and then he started going on about you, raising his voice and shouting at me, saying you caused it all. I'm sorry but I know different so I told him if he was different the situation would be different and that his shouting won't scare me into believing different. He wasn't happy about that because I wont swallow his lies". We then went in to the kids (my mum was there and told me the kids were crying).

I spoke to my sister later and told her it was lovely for her to do that but she really shouldve just listened to him and waved him on his way (He wasn't interested in staying). I've asked her to try not get involved in future because our issues are our issues, she doesn't need to make them her issues. She apologised and said she couldnt help herself (she is going through a rough time lately).

Anyway, since all this happened, he has blocked me on everything! It doesn't really matter to me because i was very low contact before but it's a punishment.

I know I should've told him where we were and S was poorly but I wasn't thinking; I had a hectic week and neither of the kids were sleeping. It was quite late to be cancelling on him or anything but I didn't know S was going to be like that.

Another thing I noticed. He's awful to me over messages. He's awful about me to everybody but as soon as I'm in front of him, his attitude shrinks and he says nothing, especially if I'm "telling him off".

Does anyone else get this?
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #27 on: December 30, 2017, 04:52:37 PM »
Journalling. Last post of this year I think.

I don't know, I just want to get a few things off my chest and I know I will sound batsh!t crazy if I speak to anyone else about it.

MLer (who normally only comes up once a week) came to "see the kids" on Christmas eve and Christmas day. I'm not begrudging it, he just didn't need to come both days. He also knew D was ill and S just isn't of an age to hang around and chat with his dad; he wants to be off.

Anyway, the gifts he got for both S's birthday and the kids for Christmas shows how far detached from reality he is.

For S's birthday, it was a mish mash of cr@p. A star wars figure, a coat (S has sensory issues and will only wear a specific coat that he chooses. He has 4/5 to date). It was too small. He got a star wars figure and an alarm clock! For as long as S has been alive, the boy has been an early bird so MLer is more than aware of this. The latest he gets up is at 6am. It's normally around 5 so why does he need an alarm? And who gets a 5 year old an alarm anyway? Strange.

For Christmas, the kids got ok gifts. S for an electric bike  (that is too small). D got an electric scooter and they got a PS4 to share. Sounds good? It would be if he got them games that theyre interested in. Call of Duty isn't appropriate for a 5 and a 10 year old. And when he was telling me about them, it was "so the kids can play online" with him.

So the kids can play online? On shoot em ups? Hmmm......how about finding out what they're interested in? And sorry but it's a lazy attempt to "connect" with them.

He's also looking different. Has a new haircut. Has dyed his hair and is wearing clothes that are not the version of him I know. Doesn't stop him looking tired and having grey skin. He looks so unhealthy even with all the "make up".

His attitude has changed towards me as well, there was no attempt at monster last time he saw me although he did tell me to cut the dogs nails because she was having trouble walking?! She's a big dog and is nearly 11 years old. Her back end is weakening. He calls her down a flight of stairs to see him and he wonders why she struggles to walk? When he was home, that was "his job" so maybe he was looking for an invite in (it was Christmas day and he had visited the kids on Christmas eve too). I just shouted ok to him and heard him muttering to himself.

I don't know. I it is MLC, he is deep in the tunnel and I'm changing too. Although I'm taking a break from relationships and I'm concentrating on my kids, I don't know if I'm "standing", per sé. My kids have been expressing that, although they miss their dad, they feel life is easier when he's not there. Of course they flit between wanting him there and being ok with him not being, but theyre both really content with being a family of 3.

I'm tired of the drama, him and ow's game playing and them needing the upper hand. Then flipping it around and making me out to be the crazy one. I feel a shift. A change. And I'm not sure if it's me that's changing or him but it doesn't matter. I'm ploughing on forwards.

I'm detached. And I'm no longer engaging in the it. I'm stronger and I'm living for me and my kids from now on. I know 2018 is going to be a good year for me and many other LBS's. Sorry for the nonsense and the length of the post. Just needed to get it out of my head and work through it, if that makes sense? New year always makes me reflective
Me 34
Him 46
S 4, D 9, SD 20, SS 24, SD 27. 6 grandchildren.

BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 27 with 3 young kids. They don't live together

Offline moc

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #28 on: December 30, 2017, 05:33:41 PM »
WN: glad you took the time to post today.  Really like these:

although he did tell me to cut the dogs nails because she was having trouble walking...I just shouted ok to him and heard him muttering to himself.

Isn't funny how they don't want to be part of the family or our lives but still want to run it like they do.  You did great at being detached with this on your response.  You can feel your detachment.


I feel a shift. A change. And I'm not sure if it's me that's changing or him but it doesn't matter. I'm ploughing on forwards.

Once again that is your detachment.  It is definitely you!  We get tired of this game playing and of course I love your title, the bullshizzle.


I'm detached. And I'm no longer engaging in the it. I'm stronger and I'm living for me and my kids from now on. I know 2018 is going to be a good year for me and many other LBS's. Sorry for the nonsense and the length of the post. Just needed to get it out of my head and work through it, if that makes sense? New year always makes me reflective

I can definitely feel you detached with your words.  You keep yourself stronger by not engaging.  Love to read your posts and keep it up as you wish.  Working it out here always makes me feel better to get it out from head to hand.  Have a great New Year!
M: 48
W: 43
S15 & S11 [from MLCer1]
BD#1: 9/2017
BD#2: 11/2017
D in the works.  I AM DONE!!!
Separated: 12/2017
OM: EAs up to at least 6 now, 2 PAs-confirmed

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #29 on: December 31, 2017, 07:34:56 AM »
It is funny how they seem to age when they leave. My husband looked like he was about 17 until he was 26 years old...then he 'matured' and looked like a good looking 28 year old guy.

Now he is 33 and looks like he is heading toward 40. Pastey grey, tired wrinkles around his eyes, and always drained or sick looking.

I found it weird the first few times I saw him, I wondered if it was my imagination making him look older...but each time I see it again.

He is still good looking, but maybe that is just because I love him. Hard to tell isn't it?
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

 

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