Author Topic: My Story The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle  (Read 6550 times)

Offline What nowTopic starter

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My Story Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #60 on: May 27, 2018, 06:39:59 PM »
Aww, thank you, FW.

Since my last thread, (you might want to sit down for the next part) me and MLer had a chat. First time in over a year that we have spoken.

S had an appointment with the geneticist and i forwarded a copy of the appointment letter to MLer so he could come. He didn't turn up. That is what the conversation was about. He said he got the letter on the afternoon of the appointment. He asked how it went so I told him I didn't really want to talk about it in front of the kids (D is a worry wart) but I will forward the next letter to him that I receive. There wasn't really much to tell him. Because of where S's chromosome duplications are, they were investigating muscular dystrophy. The tests came back negative (I didnt know what they were looking for until they phoned me with the results) and the dr said he will write to me with the next course of action.

I couldve explained this to MLer but he does this dazed look and he doesnt really concentrate on anything being said anyway.

I havent responded to the letter i received because I lost it (I know, it was important and I put it in a "safe" place, so safe that I dont know where it is!). I did tell MLer that I have misplaced it and asked him to get another letter sent to me (and bill me for it if needed). I know he wont do it and all I can hope is that it doesnt go against me.

Both the kids have been poorly yet again. They dont seem to be able to fight anything off. It was tonsillitis again. 10 days of antibiotics again. And just before the national testing for D. Shes done all her tests now and her appeal to get into her school of choice was upheld so things are looking good.

Ive also been doing a lot of soul searching and Ive come to the conclusion that MLers family are all going through something. I think his MLC was the universes way of helping. MLer wouldnt have been able to deal with any of the issues around the kids and, to be honest, he added a lot more to my plate. I dont think i wouldve been able to deal with his mum and her health issues, the pub and the issues that go with that, him and his issues, his dads issues, his step-mums issues and the older kids issues (dont get me wrong, I still speak to them and Im always going to be there, no matter what but I dont have him going on about his worries, projecting his feelings onto them). I just feel a lot more free than i used to and at this moment in time, I am being the parent my kids need me to be rather than giving them whatever I have spare at the end of fixing everyone elses problems. Thats it. Im no longer a fixer for the world. I no longer want to be and the freedom that comes from that is exhilarating.

Going back to my step children and the whole family going through something. SD21 has a new girlfriend!!! Brilliant for her. I think her choice of women is going to completely divide the whole family (if it hasnt already). The woman cheated on her long term partner to be with SD. Her (ex)partner just happens to be BIL so that would effectively be SD's aunt (not blood but still bad).

BIL and SIL were together roughly 10/11 years. They have children together. She has been in SD's life since SD was 11! It is so wrong on so many levels. I thought my kids had it bad but her kids have to deal with mum not only going from dad to someone else, but that someone else is their cousin! And she (SIL) made a classy announcement on FB (because thats where all real love stories are told!). It basically told the whole world who she was with, how happy she was and for everyone to keep their opinions to themselves as theres no firetrucks given about what people think!!! If thats the case, then why put it on fb and invite the whole world to have an opinion? Oh, and she included some "look at how much we love each other" photos for good measure!!! Now, that has disaster written all over it and not one thats easy to come back from.

I think this may encourage the MLer to spin out again.

I do need some opinions and advice. D has decided she no longer wants to see dad. She doesnt want to tell him so she doesnt hurt his feelings but she says his visits are pointless because all he does is name call (me) and tell the kids hes taking me to court. She asks me to take them to my sisters (just down the road from me). I have done that a couple of times with a lot going on at school for her but I dont want her to think this is how to deal with things. I keep telling her she really needs to have a conversation with dad and tell him how shes feeling. She says she does like him coming when I make her see him but she dreads him coming up until the point she opens the door to him. Then she gets excited and deflated because she doesnt feel a connection with him (she hasnt said that, its just how it sounds to me). Its just been his birthday and she had no input in the present and card S chose for him and Fathers day is coming up so shes asked me to get him a card saying "thanks for always being there!" then "thats right, youre not" on the inside. Shes very angry with him at the moment.

I dont want to feel like shes made to see her dad by me. I dont want to talk to him myself and tell him that the kids dont really want to see him (S doesnt see him as part of the family and does his own thing when he turns up anyway) because then its all my fault and Ive turned them against him. Whats the best way forward?

Another short update has turned into this!!! Sorry folks and well done if you got to the end (even if you have skim read)
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #61 on: May 28, 2018, 03:31:29 AM »
Wow....

SD is taking the old "The Family that lays together, stays together" sick joke just a bit too far... Yeah, I'm thinking that there are so many ways that could go wrong and the GAF (Give a ....) Attitude has MLC written all over it don't you think?

As far as the kids go, I really don't know what to tell you there. It is hard to stand by when you know that they don't want to deal with dad but at the same time, they can't tell him that. The card is a very passive-aggressive thing  but at the same time, it reflects her feelings...

It is sad that the kids are not able to talk to their father and say how they feel... But even more so that he is not capable of actually listening to how they feel...
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Online Philadelphiagirl

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #62 on: May 28, 2018, 05:36:04 AM »
Hey What N - I had been wondering how you and the kids had been getting along, have been meaning to email for ages but you know what its like with the little ones to look after. Don't stress about the letter, surely it should be easily replaceable. I put things in safe places a lot and then spend ages looking for them. Sorry to hear that your kids have been ill but good news on your D's school.

I am pleased that you are enjoying a bit of freedom. I don't blame your D for not wanting to see her Dad - who could! I have the same here, my H hasn't seen kids since December and my S now hates him, and my D is sort of on the fence about seeing him (if he ever remembers they exist) but neither of them has spoken to him since last year. They have not been able to express their feelings at all as he stopped them last year telling them it would `ruin the day'. So, I'm not sure what will happen if he does suddenly decide he wants to spend time with them. I decided I would probably get social worker intervention to speak to him given how long his vanishing act has gone on. I don't want the kids to be any more traumatised than they already are.

My Dr. said that it is really bad for kids not to be able to express their feelings as they then start to think that things are their fault. As UM said though - is the ML'er in the position to listen. Sorry I'm not being much help, just want you to know that you are not alone. This mess is the making of the ML'er - they just don't have their kids on their radar.

Both my kids refused to send Father's Day stuff last year and have said the same this year. Sad but inevitable really. I worry that people will think that their distance is of my making but we know honestly that the way in which the ML handled this is the reason for the mess. Take care and keep in touch, PG X 
 

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #63 on: June 04, 2018, 07:31:13 PM »
Crazy SD for sure!

Sorry to hear about the continued health stuff and losing of that letter.

I feel so bad for our kids who have to deal with MLC.  It's bad enough for us, but add kids in the mix and it's just so sad.  I can't imagine my F ever doing something like that.  He will always be my hero.  It's sad that these MLCers don't even realize what all they've lost.
M-41
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Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #64 on: June 06, 2018, 03:18:48 PM »
Thanks for stopping by UM, Philly and FW.

I really think MLer spinning out of control had a knock on effect. ow was SD's best friend and no regard was shown for SD's feelings in the matter. I also highly suspect ow was in a relationship with SD at some point. MLer suspected it too. If that is the case, it is something that's going to completely mess with your head.

MLer continues to confuse me. He stopped by tonight. I was at my sister's and he went there. He took MIL! I can't believe it. 18 months since she's seen the kids. She gave me a hug and told me I look to have changed and I look well. I told her if she wants to see the kids to just let me know and we will sort something out. I then went back in and left them to it.

From what they said, the kids were over the moon to see her. She gave them both some money and her and D were crying with joy to see each other. It was overwhelming. Nice to see but so sad too. Whilst D was spending time with MIL, MLer was spending time with S! He never does this! I was happy but it seemed like it was for MIL's benefit. Oh well, S enjoyed it so that's all that matters, I suppose.

Back to MLer, when I answered the door, he just stared at me. I shouted the kids and attempted to make small talk whilst the kids got shoes on and decided they actually wanted to see their dad. He just stared. Absolutely nothing back. No monster. No chit chat. Just a stare, a bit like how he used to look at me when we first got together. I stopped talking to him and told him I would just get the kids.

Anyway, MIL said he is looking after her well and she has been in hospital for 3 months. From what D said, he started on about me and wasn't being too kind so MIL just reminded him that he shouldn't be speaking like that in front of children. And he stopped. This confused me because he has never looked after her. Her parents died and she nursed them through ill health, he didn't help because he had a young family. When we were together, he always expressed regret at not helping and her going through it more or less alone.

He's also replaced our dog. Throughout his teenage years and when he was a young adult, when he had just had SD27 and SS25, he had a German shepherd pup. It was his best friend and he loved it more than he loved life itself. He's got one again. He said he didn't want to get another one of them when we were together because he didn't want to replace the one he had lost. And now he has.

I think I have finally figured out the time of his life he is re-doing. I know it doesn't chage a thing, just adds a bit of clarity to me. Answers a few of the "whys".

Although he told the kids he has a dog, he still hasn't told them he doesn't live at the pub like they think and he hasn't told them him and ow are engaged to be married. I think the other things are bigger than them getting a dog together so why would he omit everything else and share that? Rhetorical question but it does make you wonder
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #65 on: June 28, 2018, 09:48:32 AM »
Why oh why can't I just keep my sassy mouth under wraps?

He came up again and I went a bit mad. He complained I was never at home. I told him we aren't staying in just on the off-chance that he turns up. Told him to call in advance because he turns up then doesn't turn up for weeks.

He told me he doesn't have my number. Not my problem.

I asked him why he hasn't been to see them in a while. He said he's been sorting stuff.

And this coincides with him and ow splitting up at the weekend. I don't know if it's done but it's pretty serious, apparently shes taken the picture of them off all their social media. Now, he suddenly has time for his kids. Pfffft.
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Online Treasur

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #66 on: June 28, 2018, 10:23:05 AM »
Don’t se anything wrong with that bit of sassy factual reality. It’s true right? You and the kids have a life even if he left. And if he wants to contact any of you, he can ask for a number right?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #67 on: June 28, 2018, 02:08:49 PM »
It is true, Treasur, but a part of my mirror work was not to think "is it kind? Is it necessary" before I respond to anything or anyone.

Just a bit mad that he can still press my buttons. Shows I'm not as detached as I thought I was. This is a frustrating process.

And he does have my number. He has the landline (it was his too for 10 years), he has my email, he has our address. He hasnt got D's number yet becausee she hasnt given it to him. He doesn't have an excuse not to communicate, I send letters about the kids when needed (a pathetic way to do things but it's the only way I can).

I see others on here handling it so well and I can't seem to. More work is needed
« Last Edit: June 28, 2018, 02:10:02 PM by What now »
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Online Treasur

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #68 on: June 29, 2018, 03:12:45 AM »
Ah, you're doing ok, much better than you think you are my friend.
It is a time of insanity really where none of the normal life rules seem to work anymore...where the simplest thing seems really complicated...no wonder it takes a while for all of us to adapt.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #69 on: July 16, 2018, 03:27:16 PM »
Treasur, thank you. You're exactly right, normal life rules don't apply.

Bit of an update. D had some tests they do at the end of primary school (when the kids are around 11) and she smashed them. Top scores in all of them! Now, i disagree with these tests completely because there are so many changes going on for them at this time and it just adds to the stress. I told her if she tries her best and doesn't do well, I would still be proud. Anyway, she's very pleased with herself that she did so well. Especially seeing as she was getting over tonsillitis when she did them and hadn't been to school for 3 weeks at the time they were (illness and weather). I'm so pleased all the worrying she did paid off for her.

We went to the beach this weekend as it was D's 11th birthday. I went with my sister and nephews as she's my right hand person. I was dreading it because of both of my children's very different needs. My sister always steps in with one if the other needs my focus. We had a few little wobbles but nothing major and inwas so.proud with how they handled it. D was in the water a lot and I kept putting sun cream on her but she still got burnt. All in all though, it was a lovely day out or "epic" as my kids say.

We just had such an amazing time. Very tired and very sore when we got home.

It was her birthday on Sunday and because Saturday was so busy, she needed a day to decompress. She couldn't do this because she had arranged to go to my sister's to have her cake and have my mum and brother come to visit. I explained to them about how she was feeling and they got it so left her alone and only spoke to her when she spoke to them.

However, MLer came up with stuff for her. I let her answer the door as usual and she got her card and thanked him for it. Out of the blue, he shouted up to me "C, the dog is still insured so if she needs any treatment, just take her to the vets" I just said ok and went about my day. He was hanging around in the inside of my house which normally he stays on the doorstep. There wasn't much in the way of conversation between him and the kids. D told him about her test results. Crickets. She told him about her day out. Crickets again.

Then I think he decided last minute that he wanted to take them out for the day. Explained we had plans and that it's unfair of him to put me on the spot like that. D came up and told me she didn't want to go. Then he shouted up to me "but she's just told me she's bored and wants to come". Really?! So I said to her if you want to go, you can, it's fine so she shook her head. I just said we have plans and she doesn't want to cancel them. Doesn't he realise she can't just change plans at the drop of a hat?

Neither he or ow got a present for her (ow normally shops for them And gets stuff they can't use or don't need because they already have it). D got money. She also got a card that was written by him. D really liked that because she felt her dad had put a bit of thought into it. ow didn't pee on her territory.

S kept calling him by his name and not dad but D said he that MLer wasn't paying attention anyway. I spoke to S and told him that's his daddy so he really shouldn't address him by his first name. Not going to force the issue though.

Anyway, after he left, D said "I know it's my birthday but I don't know why he came up, spent most of the time trying to.talk to you and ignoring us".

Sad that she feels like that but everything he was saying was a bit random. I never said anything about the dog and wanting to take them out; he said for a couple of hours. Then he wanted to take them to the beach which is roughly an hour and a half but would've been a lot longer with the weather being as it is; everyone would've wanted to go. Not mentioning that last time we went, it took over 3 hours because D is travel sick and all the curved roads lead in there make it worse. We had to keep stopping. So, it would've been a lot longer than a couple of hours. And D thinks he was just trying to out-do me because the kids had such a good time. She also keeps ask if if he's high (she's done a drugs awareness course at school and his odd behaviour is freakig her out, she says he isn't her dad; the one she remembers).

He peeked out a bit so he won't come up to see the kids for another 6 weeks now! Never mind, we have a life! And it is good
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

 

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