Author Topic: My Story The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle  (Read 6121 times)

Offline What nowTopic starter

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My Story Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #30 on: December 31, 2017, 01:22:38 PM »
Thanks moc and mortes for dropping by.

It is funny how they want to be part of our lives, Nov. That's like me telling him to wash his car. I really do think he expected me to ask him to do it.

And mortes, it is funny how they age. One of the things they are running from gets accelerated. They start looking much older. MLer is looking closer to his age and he always looked about 10 years younger. I can't believe he has dyed his hair, he used to tell me to grow old gracefully when I did mine 😂

One thing that's bamboozled me. When he came up on Christmas eve, I told him D had been ill and was on antibiotics. She's on a 10 day course and it's quite a strong dose. We had to go to the out of hours GP because she was listless and had a purple rash on the back of her throat. Doctor said it was tonsillitis but I'm convinced it's strep throat or something. She keeps looking like she has scarlet fever. Her temperature was so high for the first week and a half but I managed to get it sorted and she has done nothing but sleep (D is not a sleeper. She has about 6 hours a night).

Anyway, I explained all this to him. When he came up on Christmas day, D's eyes were watering as she had just had her antibiotics (she isn't good at taking medication). He asked if she had been crying and she told him it was because she had just had her medicine. He asked what she had the medicine for and she replied "Mum told you yesterday, remember? I've been poorly. Mum told you"
"Oh, I didn't know. So what is the medicine and what is it for?"
"It's disgusting orange stuff and it's to help with my tonsillitis that mum doesn't think I've got . Don't you listen to anything?"
"I did listen but I didn't remember. Are you ok now?"
"No, dad. That's why I'm taking the medicine and ive got to take it for ages"
"Oh. Ok. Get well soon"

I found this quite cold and detached on his behalf with her. And ive never experienced the memory loss before. He's not asked after her either or tried to phone the kids. It's a bit rubbish when he pretends to everybody he's the doting dad. This process is all quite surreal, isn't it?

Anyway, hope everybody has a lovely new year and I know 2018 is going to be much better for many of us here! Love and best wishes to all
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #31 on: January 10, 2018, 02:22:06 PM »
Quick update. Nothing really to report since Christmas because MLer hasn't put in an appearance since Christmas day. No new year phone call. No Wednesday night visits. Nothing. Until tonight.

Another flying visit (10 minutes). In the conversation that he had with D10 (he refuses to talk to me), he told her to tell me I MUST be home for 4pm instead of 5pm because that's when he finishes work at the moment. And HE wants to come up after work.

Another thing he did was give D10 some money for doing well at school. She is doing brilliantly but so is S5. S has additional needs and is surpassing expectations but he got no financial reward. I told D I think she should share it or give it back but it's her choice. She's decided to keep it.

This is after a conversation I had with S the other night where he basically told me his dad doesn't love him and he always shouts at him for nothing.

It breaks my heart but I see he's doing it because D makes him feel guilt and it's way of trying to smooth it over.

D also told me that she asked him why he didn't live with us any more. His answer? "Because your mum's a pain in the @ss"! Nothing about him not wanting to, him moving on, him having an ow, us growing apart. Nothing to reassure her. But because I'm a pain in the butt? I'm glad it's still all about me 😂. On a more serious note, doesn't he see how that translates to her? If you're a pain in the butt, I will leave you. I won't try, I won't talk, I will just walk.

We had a talk, she asked if me and dad would ever get back together if I had the chance. I told her, honestly, that I don't love dad as he is now so I would have to say no.

 I had a cry, told her I was sorry me and dad were over and it's sad for her and her brother, that I always wanted her and her brother to have their dad and mum together but they're not so we just have to make the best of it. She's hurting and it kills but i think she's getting there. Doesn't help with him saying stuff about me but I can't help that, just have to be there to clear up the mess.
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #32 on: January 10, 2018, 07:30:11 PM »
I agree that is what hurts the most WN, is what sort of example they are setting for their kids, that they would just give up on people.

Some day, they will try to advise someone and they will be eating their words I bet.
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

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Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #33 on: January 11, 2018, 03:30:32 AM »
In the conversation that he had with D10 (he refuses to talk to me), he told her to tell me I MUST be home for 4pm instead of 5pm because that's when he finishes work at the moment. And HE wants to come up after work.

This is after a conversation I had with S the other night where he basically told me his dad doesn't love him and he always shouts at him for nothing.


I think I would start being home at 5:30. Maybe you and the kids finally decide to go for a walk after dinner or something?  ;)

I have similar issues with s(now 6) and my MLCer. Rarely tries to spend time with him, always tells him to shut up, etc... :-\

Had to pull him up on it a few times, which obviously included some monster episodes...but my kids feelings are more important that my MLCer at the moment.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #34 on: January 28, 2018, 02:57:38 AM »
Thanks FW and mortar for dropping by.

I've pulled MLer up on a few things this week. He came on Wednesday, like normal. Not sure 10 minutes and he went quite abruptly after I "told him off". S was crying after him and it just about broke my heart.

Anyway, I will start at the beginning.

Dreams. Does anyone pay any mind to them?

I had a dream last weekend about MLer. The last dream I had that felt.like this one was 10 years ago when my MLer cheated on me (and the weird thing was, I described the woman he heated with to him and she looked just like.ow).

Anyway, this dream. He was on his stag do and due to get married the next day. I had loads of people at my house and was holding someone's baby when he came to the door. My mumma answered the door and let him in. He came and asked if we could make food together and we did. Whilst we were cooking, he asked me if I could turn up to his wedding the next day and object. After a lot of to-ing and fro-ing, I basically told him he got himself into this mess so he can get himself out of it.

I wouldn't have paid no attention to it but the night after, D had a dream about him as well. He came up and wanted to talk to me so he let himself in. D wasn't happy how he just barged in our house. She said we started talking and then arguing and I got upset so she shot him with a nerf gun and told him we could.do that at the door! We then stopped arguing and started talking and then kissing so she shot us both with a nerf gun!

To add to the weirdness, step MIL called to check if me and the kids were alright. This might not be weird but she normally spends over an hour on the phone, catching up and this was a 10 minute phone call.

The morning after, SD sent me a message on fb asking how me and the kids were. She's not spoken to me since last March!

A lot of weirdness right there.

And like I said, MLer came up to see the kids. He didn't really speak to them, they used it as an opportunity to play out. Whilst he was at the door, he asked me about some stuff and I replied, not being lovely but being civil. Next thing you know, monster.

Out of nowhere "you're not giving me right much to be nice about are you?"
"What? Maybe not but you have 2 reasons stood in front of you why you shouldnt be nasty. Just be civil for them"
"I'm stopping paying you maintenance in February"
"Okie doke. But you're not giving me money, you're paying towards the upkeep of our children. If you want to stop paying, that's fine. We will get along fine without it"
"I'm not paying for kids I'm not seeing"
"Make the arrangements to see them then. Its sad that I can't trust you to be responsible to have your own kids"
"You're a joke"
"I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm keeping our kids safe"

All the time I was talking, he was mimicking me and making mimicky type noises. It was quite comical but did feel like I was talking to a child.

Something has definitely upset the apple cart in MLC world. The only time hes complained about not having enough time with the kids is when he and ow are having problems. He had 2 weeks off over the Christmas period, as did they, and they barely saw him. He wasn't too bothered then.

Anyway, after that, he said goodbye to D and stropped off. He didnt say goodbye to S, just told D to get him inside. S was crying because he wanted to cuddle his daddy. Then he wanted to live with daddy.  Then he wanted daddy to be in his family again (live with us). And then he wanted to hurt daddy. It lasted about an hour but I don't understand why he is awful towards S and loving towards D. I don't know how he can be like that. It really is hard to get your head around who they were compared to who they are. The man I was with treated all the kids the same.

Anyway, in our conversation I told him not to bother coming up if he can't be nice. I don't expect him to be nice to me or about me, I just want him to remember the saying "if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say nothing at all". He doesn't see how if affects the kids. Anyway, this is a boundary I've set and if he comes up being monster again, he won't be welcome to my house and he will have to make alternative arrangements to see the kids for the 5/10 minutes a week. I'm not taking it any more
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #35 on: January 28, 2018, 04:13:48 PM »
I pay attention to some dreams. I have had to many that have shown me things.

Example:
In Nov had a dream my father wouldn't live much past Feb of the next year. He died in the Jan.
Had a dream my mom was having heart trouble while I was on a family holiday, a few days later contacted her and she was on a machine getting it monitored (never had any previous heart condition)
Multiple dreams about my daughter. Exactly what she would look like, convinced she was a girl...not matter who tried to convince me otherwise. She looks just like I dreamed.

Anyway I think important dreams have a different 'feel' to them. A sort of knowing. Normal dreams you get scared or happy or frightened, you feel emotions and they are intense. I find my knowing dreams are almost neutral. They do not bring up an emotion...just a sense of ''I know this will happen''.

So I vote to listen to them.  ;D

To be honest when I read that interaction I giggled a little. It reminds me so much of mine when he would monster like that. ''You are a joke'' thats classic. The one that got me was when I was on a conversation to mine about losing his temper with my S(5), and he was ranting and raving and then said ''I DO NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO THE LIKES OF YOU!''...eh...the likes of me?! You mean the one watching your kids as you run about acting like a teenager having an affair and now having to be supervised by your mom to watch your own kids?! BUT THE LIKES OF ME! I was just like....  :o ??? ::)

Mine is fine with D(8 ) and s(2) but never got along with S(5...now 6). He used to try, because I told him it was important. But since BD he is particularly nasty to him, and I have had to call him out on it several times. Mostly he tries to ignore him. But every now and then he will make an effort with him.

I remember one incident when he was screaming and monstering at me and went to take D(8 ) to Judo. He was screaming how he would take my kids and I would never see them again, and I will ''F you before you f me''..whatever that means... Then he walked out of the kitchen and said ''Lets go D'' and I said ''YOU will not be taking her anywhere tonight because I do not feel like it would be safe for her. '' and as he stared at me in shocked surprised I shut the door in his face. That had never happened before, and has never happened since. In fact I think he even apologised the next day for that one.  :o

Absolutely draw the line with the kids. If he is on your porch losing it...just tell him ''I will no longer be tolerating you acting like this in front of our children. When you calm down we can talk. Have a nice day''. Shut the door, lock it and walk away. (Unless your husband has ever been physically violent of course).
« Last Edit: January 28, 2018, 04:15:50 PM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #36 on: January 29, 2018, 02:24:46 AM »
Thanks, mortes.

The dream definitely had a different feel to it. I have dreamed many a dream where it actually played out and this had the same effect on me. Like you said, no emotions attached to it, it was just like I was a fly on the wall.

I have shut the door in his face in the past after telling him how to behave in front of the kids. They don't like it. Even though hes treating S like cr@p, it's D that notices and her quickly losing favour with her. But when she doesn't want him around any more, who's fault will it be? Not his.

I think "you're a joke" is translated to "I'm not hurting you and can't find anything else to throw but want to keep the argument going......"

It was the mimicking that made me chuckle. It's what my daughter does when she isn't getting her own way.

We were invited to a party the same night and I declined because it was last minute and he was due to come up. Anyway, the following day, D said "we should've gone to that party. Nobody likes dad anyway"!!!!

I think I will have to resort to shutting the door on him again. That or just stop opening it to begin with
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #37 on: January 29, 2018, 02:36:12 AM »
WhatNow,

I think the dream thing has to be related to the impending full moon and eclipse... I had the wierdest Bat-Snot craziest dream last night that I have had in a VERY long time... I won't go into details but it was NOT pleasant... At least it had nothing to do with Mid-Lifer or MLC ina direct sort of way...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #38 on: January 29, 2018, 11:19:23 AM »
Sheesh, UM. Doesn't sound good.

That super, blue, blood moon has a lot to answer for. My kids are acting craaaaaaaaazy! Theres a lot of intense energy around right now.
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #39 on: February 07, 2018, 02:06:40 PM »
So, last time MLCer was here, he mentioned about wanting to see the kids more.

His actions have shown different. It's the second week in a row he hasn't visited them.

The kids haven't noticed so that's something.

He doesn't usually speak to me and he did "speak" to me last time (he monstered). So, he's back to running again. It's just sad their kids are something they run from. Typical but sad all the same.
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

 

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