Author Topic: My Story The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle  (Read 6686 times)

Offline What nowTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #100 on: February 20, 2019, 07:15:55 PM »
Something that made me laugh today- my S6 has MLCer logic! I had a conversation with him and D because my car is a state. Full of rubbish from them both. Tissues and sweet wrappers mainly. I told them I would get them a container each for them to dispose of their rubbish and S pipes up "the mess is your fault" :o apparently, if I didn't give them the tissues and the snacks and drinks, it wouldn't be a mess. Go figure. Reminded me of MLCer, not being able to take responsibility for his actions 😂
So, I wonder what S6 would say if you refused to give him food, drinks or tissues in the car now... "Well, since it was my fault that my car was a mess because I gave you the stuff, I just won't give you the stuff anymore...."

Those DARN consequences.....

This was already done and boy, was he unhappy!

I'm insisting on emails Philly and FW. He's still insisting on the book.

Little update - every time the kids have been, S has come back in her Ss clothes. Last time, she wrote in "the book" explaining that S had gotten "a little muddy" so she had washed and dried his top but he still came home in the other kids t-shirt and his in a bag.

I wrote ex an email saying I expect the kids to get messy and to basically not wash his stuff (he has sensitive skin which I pointed out). I also said that I will carry on communicating by email but if he wants to use "the book", to feel free but to remember that it's for me and him to communicate and I would appreciate it being kept that way!

I got an angry note at the bottom of ows message in the book saying S was uncomfortable having mud on him and that's why "we" decided to change him. D said it was ow that decided to do it and S was uncomfortable but why they felt the need to wash it I don't know. When the older kids would come stay over with me and him, they went home with everything dirty as I felt it was stepping on their mums toes if I did anything like that. Their mum liked it that way too. I think ow is playing her little games again.

There was another note in the book. Which is why I'm here again at almost 3am not being able to sleep.

Ex was supposed to have them on Sunday and didn't because he had "a business trip" (roughly translated, it turns out it was a romantic trip abroad). It annoyed me because I lost out on money because I had booked a day trip with friends. It was one of the initial contact sessions laid out by the courts so I thought he would stick to it.

Anyway, he took the kids out for tea tonight and D came in telling me to read the note, all excited. I told her I would read it later and she insisted I read it there and then. So I did. "I would like to take my children on holiday next March abroad. I need an answer soon because there is a lot to sort out".

D asked what was written and I told her I would talk to her about it later. She said "dad already told me. We are going on holiday"

So now, I've had to tell her I need to talk to dad about it first. I'm not sure he wants to take them anyway (he did the same when we first split up and never spoke about it again then told the kids he went on holiday and when D commented it would be nice to be thought about he told her he had asked me and I wouldn't let them go on holiday because I was a spiteful b!tch).

So, here are my thoughts about it:
It is in the school term and school are absolutely positively no longer allowing holidays to be taken in term time. They will fine ME because I'm the resident parent.
It's in the really early stages of the kids seeing their dad and he hasn't shown to be reliable before now, stopping contact with the kids at least twice for quite a few months with no explanation and me having to chase him to talk to them and visit them
He's shown he can't deal with them and brought them home early before. He can't do that if they're in another country.
He doesn't accept they have additional needs so how can he accommodate them.
Hes a coke snorting, beer drinking addict who thinks nothing to locking our kids in a room so he can get his kicks!
I know this is selfish but I want to be the one to take them on their first trip abroad. I don't know why he should get to when he obliterated our family. This reason isn't good enough and it is something I can get over but D has said she wants her first trip abroad to be with me.

I've said to D I need to get more details from him before I can make a decision. I need to know where they're going, how long for and I need to make sure he gets them travel insurance. I need to see who's paying for passports (I'm not) and need to know if they need injections and who will be buying their holiday clothes.

The whole thing annoys me. When he was with us, he couldn't even go outside on a sunny day so why would he be wanting to go abroad where it's hotter? He couldn't even leave our town and now he's doing all the things I wanted to do but with ow and her kids! He didn't think twice about letting our kids down to stay on holiday. He didn't even try to get an earlier flight home or anything which is daft considering how hard he fought for it in court.

It also annoys me that he's put me in this situation. It's too early to decide anything like that. A lot can happen in a year and D will be almost 13 by then so who knows what she will be up to. He knows I'm going to say no. And then when he can say to the kids "I wanted to take you but your mum said no" even though I don't think the intention is there.

So now, I go back to not sleeping and not eating. It's so much fun being an LBS!
« Last Edit: February 20, 2019, 07:21:30 PM by What now »
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #101 on: February 21, 2019, 12:42:23 AM »
Quote from: What now
It is in the school term and school are absolutely positively no longer allowing holidays to be taken in term time.

End of subject. Point closed. Nothing that YOU can do about it. He'll have to arrange it at a different time....

The rest of the reasons are a different story but this one is the key...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #102 on: February 22, 2019, 02:27:08 AM »
I just caught up with your thread and I can't believe that you have to have a book to communicate.

How ridiculous can these MLCers be. They can sleep with us, and make babies with us, but they decide they want out and now need a notebook to speak?!

It is so insane. I don't think normal people would believe it.

Brilliant idea though, particularly for evidence in court.

I think you should list in the book exactly why.

1. Schools won't allow term time holidays.
2. Exampled dates of when he has cancelled on the kids or brought them back early.
3. His inability to communicate with you like an adult, what if something goes wrong?
4. Inappropriate behaviour whilst at home with the children, never mind abroad where drink are cheaper and more plentiful.

Keep the tone polite, formal, and take a picture with your phone in case the pages get ''lost''.
« Last Edit: February 22, 2019, 02:28:11 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #103 on: February 22, 2019, 06:27:25 AM »
Brilliant idea though, particularly for evidence in court.

I think you should list in the book exactly why.

1. Schools won't allow term time holidays.
2. Exampled dates of when he has cancelled on the kids or brought them back early.
3. His inability to communicate with you like an adult, what if something goes wrong?
4. Inappropriate behaviour whilst at home with the children, never mind abroad where drink are cheaper and more plentiful.

Keep the tone polite, formal, and take a picture with your phone in case the pages get ''lost''.

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline What nowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #104 on: May 25, 2019, 07:36:31 PM »
Hi all!

I've not updated for so long as I've had my fingers in so many pies and find it hard to find the time.

It has been one long dramafest since he started seeing the kids again and he refuses to talk to me, still going through D11 to say anything and blatantly told her "I don't talk to her" when D told him to speak to me about some arrangements he wanted to make.

It's all very silly.

It's ow I need advice on. She's really beginning to overstep her mark.

For a long time, when the kids were going to see their dad, ow and he would argue in front of the kids and, at times, about the kids. He would bring them away from the situation and she would follow. He would normally go to the pub and then leave the kids inside with the people who work there whilst he went out and argued with her. The kids were coming home distressed, especially when ow said about them being "dumped" on her (D wanted some time with her dad so he asked ow to take S with her and her kids to get food for dinner and that's when this comment came).

They've cancelled on the kids numerous times, for holidays and because ow had to have the camera down her throat and needed their dad to look after her afterwards. D said she feels what ow wants and needs some before them.

Recently, she has been playing games with D again. S forgot his coat and D asked her dad to bring it up when the kids were getting dropped off. ow was with them and before D finished her sentence, ow was making arrangements to bring it to my house. Why can their dad not do it?

Last week, the kids dad told them he wouldn't see them on his Wednesday visit as he was away on holiday. Told them the usual drivel of "I asked your mum if you could come but she wouldn't let you". What he didn't realise is that D knows he didn't ask as he only ever goes through her and hadn't mentioned it.

Midweek, ow messaged D and said to her that SHE was cancelling the visit as she had arranged a surprise holiday for him for his birthday. She said she didn't want to cancel the longer visit and said twice in the message "can you make sure your mum knows". This really upset D as she feels ow shouldn't have a say in the arrangements and then I reminded her that her dad had already told her about it. Then she was upset because she was lied to.

They've had a visit with dad today and ow dropped them off home. I'm past caring so wouldn't have thought anything of it but D said "dad got called to the pub because something happened and ow had to drop us off". I did say dad should've done it earlier or later but he should've done it and left it at that. The court order says handovers should be done by him.

Now, D went out of the room (and she had an attitude like you wouldn't believe) when S6 came up to me and said "D lied to you mum and got told to lie by ow. Daddy is at the pub with ows kids and ow wanted to bring her home. ow said to D lie to your mum and tell her that I brought you home because your dad had to work".

Me and D have had massive arguments because she feels she was only doing as she was asked. I've tried to explain to her that as soon as an adult tells her to lie to me, that's the time she should be telling me exactly what happened. I've drilled this into her since day dot. I said to D that a whole lifetime of my teachings has been ignored so she can do the right thing by ow. She said she didn't see the harm in lying about something so small but I told her if she felt it was so small, then why lie about it. It's not ow dropping them off that has annoyed me, it's ow getting my daughter to lie to me. She's normalizing lying and it's something I can't accept, not by D. I've told her now that she's lied and I know she's lied, I will second guess every truth she's ever told me and everything she's going to tell me.

Now, ow did the whole insisting on bringing the coat up because I asked my sister to phone the pub to speak to MLCer as SS26 was in trouble and I knew MLCer wouldn't have known at that point. I still feel it's My job to look after the older 3 but I think her doing that was her peeing on her territory.

I think she's done this latest daft behaviour because it's MLCers birthday and we had arranged for the kids to see him tomorrow as well as today. She is very possessive and her tantrums didn't stop the kids from going so now she's trying to get my back up so I don't send them. She does want MLCer all to herself.

So, my question is, as MLCer refuses to talk to me and I won't directly talk to ow as she's irrelevant, how do I deal with this?

Oh, and the book has now ceased to exist
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #105 on: May 26, 2019, 07:35:55 AM »
Perhaps this is my firey Aries demon talking but I would be about 2 inches from stomping a hole in OW.

There are so many things wrong here.

Your daughter is 11 years old. Adults should not be speaking through her. Period. That puts her in a terrible place mentally where she has to try and barter and lie and keep everyone happy. Do not do this. This will ruin her state of mind, and your relationship with her. Like you said...it already is because she is being put in an impossible situation trying to please everyone, she has hurt you. That isn't her fault.

Personally I think if you can muster the courage you need to look your MLCer and OW dead in the face and tell them you will NOT communicate with them through daughter. She is a child and shouldn't be stuck in the middle. Additionally if he wants to cancel visitation HE needs to inform you not her. She is no relation to the children, she is not in any court orders, she does not dictate his relationship with his children. Ever.

If he wants to continue to be an @$$hole and not speak to you then you arrange visitation with a third party...not with OW.

The mind games they are playing is really damaging to the kids. I can tell you that from first hand experience.

I would be laying down some lead boundaries right now and they could like it or lump it. They are walking all over you right now...and your kids are getting hurt in the process. :-\
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline What nowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #106 on: May 26, 2019, 03:08:34 PM »
Mortes, I had to be talked down yesterday as I was going to go and unleash my fury on her. The only reason I didn't was because my sisters refused to have the kids!

I have told him time and again that I won't speak through the children and D has told him time and again to speak to me and he point blank refuses to speak to me.

I'm going to take it back to court and cease contact in the meantime. I will try organise a contact centre for him to see them so contact doesn't have to be re-established. And I will stipulate that contact has to be between him and the kids because having her involved is damaging them.

I know they're walking all over me, I just don't know where to go or what to do but it is getting sorted. I'm not having her driving a wedge between me and D
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #107 on: May 27, 2019, 12:56:58 AM »
I'm going to take it back to court and cease contact in the meantime. I will try organise a contact centre for him to see them so contact doesn't have to be re-established. And I will stipulate that contact has to be between him and the kids because having her involved is damaging them.

GOOD!  It sounds simple when we say it but it is different having to live it... If he wants to play hardball, then shove the bat where the sun don't shine.

OW is NOT in ANY form any kind of guardian for your kids. That is HIS job and yours. OW has her own kids to look after and deal with.

the fact that she has convinced your D to lie to you tells you all that you need to know to have contact with her restricted and I'd be willing to bet a dollar to a doughnut that any family court would see it that way as well..

Finally, your Mid-Lifer needs to get over himself and needs to communicate with you directly. Going through a child is unacceptable.... It is NOT the childs job to be the parent...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Whyus

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #108 on: May 27, 2019, 02:00:40 AM »
I too think that you have a case with the Courts. What your MLCer and OW are doing will not be accepted by any court. Atleast I hope not though anything is possible in a court of law These days.
If you do talk to OW then you have to do it when you are calm, I am talking from experience as I have had 2-3 Close calls with OM myself  :o
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #109 on: May 27, 2019, 02:16:46 AM »
Hey WN,

Great to read an update from you, but sorry to hear about the OW's antics! I agree with the others here and love UM's quote - shove the bat where the sun don't shine! He is being really stupid (as is OW who shouldn't have her nose in all of this) trying to communicate with you through your D. You know that I had the same thing with my H writing notes and handing them to my D to hand to me. Ridiculous behaviour.

Not sure if I have any advice but you are no pushover lady, you have always shown great maturity and strength in the face of madness and it is obvious to me that that has always been driven by your love and protection of your children. You have been the only parent here for so long! If they are walking all over you it's because you are actually focussing on bringing up your children rather than playing games with their Dad and his OW. I think that we just get into our own lives with the kids and get tired of all of the stupidity, so it looks to them like they are in control but they never are - we are just busy building a life for our little people.

Yes, time to go back to court. One last heave to remind the OW that these are not and will never  be her children. Getting your D to lie to you is so wrong on so many levels. I am furious on your behalf - she is your D and as her Dad has almost checked out of being a parent - you and her education get to guide the development of her morals as she grows - and lying to your Mother is not appropriate.

Get back to court - stop them in their tracks, shove that bat! You got this - I have always admired your attitude to all of this, you are much younger than me and I have always taken so much from your approach which has always been to focus on your kids.

Take care, PG xxx     

 

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