[With Gods Help!]

Abandonment For those who need to understand it:
 
 


For those who want to understand that the feelings they feel are normal read this xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

For most abandonment survivors, the issue is control. Thanks to the increase in stress hormones, they don't have much: Nature has taken over. The life they want is not within their immediate power. Their primary connection has been severed; isolation has been foisted upon them by someone else's choice.
Abandonment is a state of INVOLUNTARY SEPARATION. They are shattered by an aloneness they did not choose. They feel deserted, dependent, and demoralized, having sustained a narcissistic injury. The lack of control makes them feel like a victim.

Emotionally, it feels like they're in the recovery room having just had their siamese twin severed from them. What makes the pain so unbearable for abandonment survivors, is that it wasn't their idea to have the surgery; it was the OTHER person's. Even worse, the OTHER person has (often) already re-attached to a new love-interest and doesn't feel the intense pain of separation. The relationship is medicating the abandoner from feeling what the abandonee is faced with - - rejection, isolation, and a profound loss of love. In other words, the Abandoners aren't suffering in the recovery room, because for THEM it wasn't major surgery. They're 'out and about' in a new life.

Both sides, however, are on an emotional roller coaster; both feel regret, confusion, remorse, and anger. But the one who was left behind bears the brunt of the tear. The fact that it is more painful to be the abandonee than the abandoner is rarely acknowledged by the latter, because both sides want to be considered 'the injured party.' Long Term Relationships: If the couple's lives had been intertwined for a long time and they had grown to count on each other for security and support, the one choosing to end the relationship will struggle with the agony of guilt. Abandoners are often themselves survivors of childhood losses and separations, and have their own abandonment issues to deal with. This makes it particularly difficult for them to acknowledge the full extent of the pain that is caused by their decision to end the relationship. It threatens their idealized self images when they witness their former partners' (understandable) reaction of anger and grief, and of not wanting to 'let go.'

They feel they are being thwarted and mistreated by these reactions. They resent the 'control.' They feel 'punished' for trying to start a new life. They begin to perceive their former partners as 'the bad mothers.' This development suggests that rather than feel less about themselves, abandoners have attempted to project rather than internalize their negative feelings, They've exercised the 'victor's option' to blame the victim. Many begin to rewrite the history of the relationship, distorting facts, blocking out emotional memories, negating the original basis of the connection -- all in an effort to justify their decision to leave someone who still wants and needs them. This causes abandonees to feel completely erased and even more isolated. They don't even have memories to hold onto; their entire emotional reality has been disqualified.

[exiled]

This article describes my situation and my feelings precisely.
The Siamese metaphor is perfect.  Yes, I feel like a Siamese twin in the recovery room,
still feeling the other's presence like an amputee feeling the missing limb.
Yet I'm the only one who hangs on to our memory while my W has moved on.
Thank you WGH for posting this.

[limitless]

WGH,
Thanks for posting the article.
It's very accurate to how I feel and how I felt when my H left.
Unfortunately, it all sounds sooooo hopeless when you read it.

Hugs,

L

[With Gods Help!]

Yes it does when you read it thats why its important to understand the reasons behind abandoment, Laursecan what happens when you take control of the abandoment and not let the abandoment control you xxx

[In this for ME]

Excellent information

I also read in the Journey from Abandonment that in a long term relationship your heart beats and bio rythems are meshed and in that separtaion the shattering and ripping of that connection is unbearably painful.

 I remember that feeling well. And it went on for the first couple of months for me. Nothing I'd ever want to have happen again. But the strength I gained is awesome.

[xyzcf]

Thanks for posting this...it's all so one sided...I think some marriages break apart "mutually" but in our case, that wasn't so..still isn't after 19 months for me. He can run, he can hide, he can work and he's able to emotionally block out his feelings...I'm not quite so lucky.

But over time, over time we begin to feel better...I find I block memories of what we used to do, who we once were..it's as though I am trying to "forget" 35 years of our life..for it's still too painful to go there for me..I don't even know if it was real..it was for me, not sure it was for him.

[TooBigToFail]

This was very well written and concise - it presents the rational description of our emotions - which helps soften the emotional pain.

I found more info on abandonment and steps to deal with it in a book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.  She relates it well to childhood abandonment resurfacing.

But I find this topic very theraputic, so I would love to read more if anyone has any other links or experiences working through it.  I guess that is really the general topic of the forum, but the word "abandoment" really describes what I am feeling and what is holding me down.

[Red Star]

Well, I took a chance and passed this along to H.

His response:

"This is interesting. It's accurate for me, except for the new love-interest"

(BTW, H is attached to EA. I guess he is not calling it a "love-interest")

[With Gods Help!]

Hi everyone not been able to post much my laptop kept crashing had a blinking virus, could read for awhile but then it would turn off........anyway my son sorted it for me YIPPEE!!! Heres another article to had to your list....will update on my sitch tomorrow hopefully xxxxxxxxxxx

Attraction -- physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual --
is important, really important. None of us wants to hang out
with a person who makes our stars fizzle or our minds yawn, but 
attraction must be healthy to create a great, or even a good, relationship.
 And the only way to determine if your attraction is of the 
healthy variety is to get downright honest about what inspired the connection. Of course no person wants to jump up and down
 exclaiming, "Look at me over here! I am dying to expose my 
messed up relationship!" but if we don't get real about the health 
of our attractions, we risk losing what's more important than
 anything else -- our selves.

One reason we often mistake unhealthy attraction for the
 healthy connections found in authentic partnerships is that most 
of us have never thought about it. When was the last time you sat
 down for a cup of tea and said, "I think I'll define what 'authentic
 connection' means to me today"? Even among those who have
 considered the source of their connection, most haven't been 
truthful about how healthy their attraction is or isn't. So, ignorant,
blind, or in denial, we end up living in the grips of unhealthy attraction, 
feeling like something is missing or wrong, lacking the words
 to articulate what that something is. If we're lucky, after lots of 
pain and suffering caused by the times we engaged in unhealthy
 attraction, we finally free ourselves and learn about our desire for
 a true, healthy connection.

I have met more smart and successful women than I care to 
admit who've lost their minds, and themselves, in the throes of 
unhealthy attraction, dare I say insane infatuation? Same goes for nice, solid men who have a penchant for dating crazy women. I've watched many a wise woman or man lodge a person so deep in their wounds that they mistake the resulting feelings for the authentic, deep, loving connection they were waiting for.

Maybe for some the unhealthy attraction feels so fabulous because their catch comes with a first-class ticket to social status and financial security, filling their holes that come from the absence of self-worth or the fear of lack. Or maybe the person they meet seemingly gives them permission to be the wild child they always wanted to be but their parents never allowed, filling in their holes caused by never feeling like 
they fit with their family. Or maybe it is as simple as they crave love and attention so bad, that they are willing to take what they can get... or maybe even too afraid to end it for fear of how the other person will respond.

Regardless of our individual stories and corresponding wounds, when in the clutches of an unhealthy attraction, we are too entangled in our feelings to see the truth. You need to know the warning signs beforehand. Commit the following signals to memory and keep them for future reference.

WARNING SIGNS OF AN UNHEALTHY ATTRACTION

HOLE-STUFFING JUNKIE.
 Without a doubt, it's our emotions, hormones, and emotional wounds that control the show here. The feelings swirling inside our bodies and psyches are so intense that it seems impossible to control our actions or stop making self-destructive decisions. Convinced that this person is the love of our life, we experience the relationship as if it were a drug, and we 
become like a junkie. The person becomes the fix for our external
 needs and gaping holes, and the bigger our emotional holes, the 
more intensely we feel drawn to and attached to this one human being.

The physical connection is usually undeniable, like a gravitational pull we can't control. And our emotional and intellectual fantasies 
run rampant, which is why most people mistake these unhealthy 
relationships for authentic partnerships. But unlike healthy connections,
which support us and encourage us to be our full and
 authentic selves, the unhealthy bonds lead to devastating and life-draining
 lows.

While the ride may feel good at times, in the end
 we are too often left unsatisfied, sad, and empty, with our desires 
and needs unmet. The cycle is always the same: we give in to the 
intense attraction, fall totally into it and enjoy the highs, plummet to the depths of despair, and then start the cycle all over again.
 While it may feel fantastic at times to be intertwined with the other,
 using another person to avoid healing our wounds is unhealthy.

COTTON BALLS IN YOUR EARS
 This person is "the one," and we will vehemently profess to those closest to us that "HE/SHE is the love of my life, I don't care what you say! . . . If you really loved me, you would be happy for me. . . . You just don't understand." Convinced that we know the real deal even if our friends and family think otherwise, we won't listen to what anyone has to say.

Sure, the relationship isn't perfect -- they've got a girlfriend, they lie, they have an addiction problem, or they are not committing anytime soon -- but because we have great chemistry or some other "special" connection,
 we're convinced that the rest of the world just doesn't know
what they're talking about. What most of us need when we're in
 this state is a bucket of cold water in the face to wake us the hell up!
 If our friends and family scream, "Stop!" and we don't listen, it's
 almost a sure bet that our relationship is not a healthy influence.

THE DERANGED LOVE TRAIN.
 Our heads fill with thoughts like "Who cares that we just met three weeks ago? He/she told me that they love me, and I love them." We believe without a glimmer of doubt that we are in LOVE. Sure, the feelings are undeniably powerful, and the sex fantastic, so how could it be anything but love?

Warning!

When we start asking ourselves questions like "How would
 his last name sound with mine?" "What will our babies be 
named?" and "Where will we live?" weeks into our relationship,
we have just entered fantasyland. Even if this person is playing
 along, and even if you really are meant to be life partners, questions
 like this do not belong anywhere near the beginning of a relationship.
There is no getting around the fact that we cannot be in 
love with someone we don't really know. Intensely attracted, you 
bet, but in love, no. Love and authentic partnership take time.

ANTIDOTES FOR UNHEALTHY ATTRACTION
 While unhealthy attraction may feel great, liberating, and even 
life-giving at times, in the end the great feelings are not sustainable.
They may, however, keep us in a relationship for years, preventing 
us from finding the kind of relationship we really desire. 
Luckily for us, there are extremely powerful antidotes to the 
unhealthy attraction syndrome, which all entail being truthful to 
ourselves -- and admittedly, this is usually easier said than done.

One of the most effective ways to snap ourselves out of the
 unhealthy delusions of our attraction is to stop and question ourselves. 
Automatically, whether we're in a relationship or single, it 
forces us to turn our focus away from HE, SHE and WE, and place it
 directly on ME. The only way we can create what we want is to be real with ourselves, even when it isn't easy. So if you find yourself in a WE, even if things are going great, stop and answer the following questions from time to time.

Challenge yourself to be 100 percent honest, even if -- especially if --
you don't like the answers.

ANTIDOTE 1:
 Why do you want a HE/SHE and a WE in your life?

ANTIDOTE 2: 
What kind of HE/SHE and WE do you currently have? 
Does what you have fit what you want?

ANTIDOTE 3:
 If it fits, great. If what you have doesn't fit, what line of 
bull are you feeding yourself to make it okay to stay?

In what ways are you settling? Write the ways you are settling out on a piece of paper and stare at them for a while. Play your life forward based on what you are currently settling for. Ask yourself, is this what you want for YOUR life? If not, it's time to take a stand for loving the most important partner in your life - yourself!

Every person deserves a dynamic, life-affirming partnership, 
but many of us settle for less, and as a result, we get a relationship, 
not a partnership. We stay with people we connect with or are 
attracted to, but who are not walking with us down life 's path as
 authentic partners -- we aren't supporting each other, enriching
 each other's experiences, and nourishing each other's spirit and 
heart.

When the relationship moves past the dating stage and in to
 the more serious living-life-together phase, unless it's a partnership, 
you will find yourself dealing with life's demands 
alone. Because we can, we forge ahead, attempting to carry the 
burden of the entire load, putting our own needs last and ending
 up tired as hell. My experience of doing it alone while in a relationship
 was that it had far too great a cost to my soul. No matter
 how attracted we are to a person, if they are dead weight, an emotionally 
empty vessel, or toxic sewage in our energy streams, then they 
have no place in our lives.

[Mermaid]

Thanks for posting. Interesting! Although our MLCers, who would benefit from reading this, probably wouldn't.