[superdog]

e avoidant personality disorder describes my h to a t. Even down the the control freak accusations during the worst of replay. I obviously said shut up silly man and do as your told. ;-)

I also showed my h the traits of passive aggressive and he took it really badly. He actually st and wrote down the list and confirmed or denied them. He really soul searched that day and did not like what he saw.

He described to me how he avoided conflict with his parents. His father was violent when angry and the mother retaliated throwing things. He Was scared and did all he could to avoid getting into trouble.

My s8 has this also as he became very fearful of my h diuring tthe mad at the dirt stage. Now he sucks up to h to the point he compromises himself in order to avoid it. History repeats itself.

SD
X

[BirdSoul]

Thanks WGH for posting that article. I thought the article was so good, I ordered Stan Tatkin's book Wired for my Kindle. My H is def. avoidant. This article describes his breakdown/withdrawal to a T. It also provides me with a lot of comfort, oddly, in that it helps me really accept that it was not my fault. Have to learn that lesson over and over, I'm afraid. The uncomfortable, scary part is that I may be the ambivalent-angry type. An avoidant AND an ambivalent? A marital firekeg for sure. But I never wanted to run away from the marriage. That was him.

BirdSoul

[Mamma Bear]

  Thanks WGH very insightful. I do believe that they can work through this. Actually I think it's good they're purging it all by running and doing something. Sounds crazy but the alternative could be to just drink down the basement for 40 years instead.
  Our MLCers are shot out of the cannon at BD and the race is on. Avoidants maybe trying to escape and be normal like everyone else. Wearing masks blah blah blah.
  Fog, lying, erratic behavior, abandonment, immoral behavior, accusations, rewritten history    Can these people even pass a simple psych eval?
  MC sounds crazy now. While they're run away trains.
  IC down the road when they want help! Ats a fo' sho'!
  My H is both. Avoidant and ambivalent....probably another spectrum
  Anyway his Mom had him when she was 43 and had a tough life. She had escaped Stalin and Hitler and she and her H moved here and he was the last baby. 17 years younger than his oldest brother.
 With the motel and the cultural parties at their resort I think he got left in the playpen. Everyone around him getting drunk and eating and partying!
  He still gives the Ds a hard time for asking for ice cream after a day trip. He says "I never got ice cream!" 
  He actually said that the other night. Father's Day...freak!
  And he harrassed the clerk that ALL the ice cream should be FREE for Fathers Day!  The store offered free ice cream to the Dads only. The Ds were embarrassed.
  Great article for food for thought. Thanks again.

[With Gods Help!]

This site is great if you need motivation to let go and look after yourself ..............take a look..........some great ideas and brilliant quotes xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


http://www.marcandangel.com/

[sdgisawt]

so true   has helped  me alot

[learning and growing]

I can see this site is going to b done of my favorites! Thanks you so much for sharing!

[With Gods Help!]

Thought i would post this for the newbies or the ones who are struggling..........I have read it before and think what he says is what RCR recommends xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



http://www.midlife.com/index.php/check-it-out/411-marriage-testimony-from-the-man-who-left-his-wife-and-returned-for-good

[SavingGrace]

Ok, I am a slow learner or just am incredulous as to this MLC syndrome. I read the article and I am struck with more questions than answers. The overriding question I have that continues to plague me is this:

If we did not cause it, if we are not to blame for our spouse's MLC, why is it then after I read this article that I feel our (LBS) weaknesses were the things that make the OW/OM more attractive and needed for our MLCer so much so that if we were to be attractive again to our spouse, we have to become more like the OW/OM? Why is that we need to fixate on their needs (make them feel better about themselves) as we go about changing ourselves?

During my M, my H was incredibly selfish. Nothing has changed now that he is in the midst of his MLC. He is just über-selfish. He rarely, if ever, met my needs but I never looked outside of my M to have my needs met. I sought him out and waited, longed for him to see me as important as he now sees the OW. 

This article doesn't make me feel good at all... I guess I'm still deluded or hurting from the pangs of a recent BD. I just don't get how if we didn't cause it, why do we need to change to be more like the people they cheat with so they can come back home to us? I know I have to do my own self discovery and changing. I am fully embracing this reality. But I refuse to compromise who I am to be more like the woman who stole my life and my marriage so I might have the off-chance of getting a returned broken selfish man who may or may not want me. Am I missing something??

[ascending]

If we did not cause it, if we are not to blame for our spouse's MLC, why is it then after I read this article that I feel our (LBS) weaknesses were the things that make the OW/OM more attractive and needed for our MLCer so much so that if we were to be attractive again to our spouse, we have to become more like the OW/OM? Why is that we need to fixate on their needs (make them feel better about themselves) as we go about changing ourselves?

That is not what I read from the article. I think that along with the craziness of MLC, some of us can see that we may fall into a rut where we take eachother for granted. I think my Dh is hot. Do I tell him? Rarely. Do I tell him I love him? Rarely. Why... because he already knew. And my Dh is guilty of the same. I also am finding thru my journey that just like his wife, I felt weird voicing good lovey dovey feelings but had no prob voicing dissatisfaction. That could wear someone down. Someone that needs that validation every once in a while. Especially someone that doesn't have that internal locus of control yet (something MLC is probably about...).

My dh has been guilty of the same thing.

I now know that if we get the chance, this is something we need to discuss and come to an agreement on. I know my Dh probably likes the ego boost that OW gives him. I am a strong personality and sometimes a bulldozer. Not an easy personality for a weak person to deal with. She is easy and while I don't want to be like her (don't know her), I do now see some ways in which I could be a softer human being and not be afraid to be more "vulnerable" from a "real" love kind of way. Expressing unconditional love instead of leaving my marriage to assumptions.

[underpressure]

I love Saving Grace's comments. And also ascendings. You ladies are bright and engaging. I have a third position on this that is almost completely sure to not be identified with by anyone I guess...What if the OW is a copy of myself?

My husband went on match.com and found someone whose photo looked so much like one of me that I actually got a little sick when I saw it. Then he proceeded to ply her with the same lines he used on me, and the whole shibang. [Someone here posted (I read it today and I can't remember who) about her H going back in time and finding a 23 yr old and starting over just as if it were her and him at that age...]. I guess what I am angling at is what if the OW is a poorer reflection of us, not something we need to model, but something we can measure ourselves against, in that, he is projecting us onto HER. and does not need to project HER onto us.

Just thinking out loud.